Bug’s Bleat - - GCF: Opinion Poll

Volume 14, Issue 35 Friday, August 30, 2012

This is a photo from the '70s of the Methodist? Church (no longer there) west of Brister.

Another '70s Photo, this one of the Farmer's Bank Drive Through which was located at the corner of Jackson & Main.

And a last photo from that time period of my photography studio in the attic of my parents home which was located at 301 Calhoun Road. I combined this photo with one of the Stamps pond foot bridge.

We both like photos of Aspens.

Annette's latest "Back Door Decorations."


Hello ALL,

I spent a day at Baptist Hospital in Little Rock recently, with a buddy getting some outpatient surgery. As I expected, the worst for him was having to lay there for several hours after the procedure. He came out of surgery at 1 pm and they didn't release him till 9 pm.
That wasn’t a problem as I had a good Grisham book, my droid and my buddy’s tablet to entertain me when I wasn’t napping.
But I'm not sure the hospital understood that I was "just" his friend. After I’d sat in the recovery room for 8 hours with him, the nurse came in to give him his discharge information and get all the forms signed. He signed most of them but the nurse turned to me and said that she'd need me to sign some of the paperwork.
You know the drill, they make little check-marks on piles of paper at the locations you’re supposed to sign and you start signing. I was about half way through when I noticed that the sections I was signing were marked "Spouse or Significant Other!"
~~~~~
Public Restroom Rant
~
Why do most public restrooms come equipped with either of two different types of sink faucets; Either a mixture of one regular and one that sprays you below the belt line ... or ... Those "electronic motion detector faucets that encourage you to wave your hands uselessly around the sink?
... and ...
Why do stall doors only "appear" to latch? Thereby giving you and the person having an "emergency" that singular "uh-oho" moment whenever you're doing #2.
... and ...
Why do the paper towel dispensers dispense either little giblets of a towel or a handful of towels?
... and ...
Why do the soap dispensers almost never dispense anything?
... and ...
Who travels around the nation ensuring that the GIANT industrial toilet paper dispensers (the ones that are designed to contain our nuclear secrets) that are designed to dispense tissue FROM THE BOTTOM, are mounted 4" from the floor! ???

Does anybody know?
~
Rosemary Cragan Dolliver asks; Why do they always put on the stall doors to open inward? When you are "in" there, there is no room to open the door to get OUT!!! Especially when you are in an airport bathroom and have to go into a stall with carry-on luggage. Very hard to maneuver. Oh well, at least here in the USA we have toilets, unlike those in Japan that are just a hole in the floor. :)
~
Pastor Paul had a story of his first encounter with the "hole" type public toilet. He was in an air terminal in the Ukraine and was confronted with the "hole" when he stepped into the stall. Not being sure how to "cleanly" squat, he decided to lean backwards with his feet at the front of the stall and his back against the wall, carefully positioning himself over the "hole." It looked like that was going to work until, about halfway through “finishing his business" his feet started slipping! ...
~
Nancee Davis Law has a definite dislike for those motion faucets! “They take forever to finally come on and then go off before you get your hands completely wet.”

Another thing Rosemary Cragan Dolliver hates about some public bathrooms; “... the door to the bathroom opens to the inside. So, when your hands are clean, you have to open the door instead of push on it to get out. They could at least provide a trash can by the door so you can use them to open the door with your paper towel....well, that is it they even have paper towels; now most have dryers.”
~
Knowing that the majority of men in public restrooms DON'T wash their hands before opening the door and leaving, if the restroom doesn't have a trash can by the door, I do the Michael Jordan thing with the paper towel after I've opened the door. Sometimes, I even score 3 points!
~~~~~
There is a God and there are Heroes and this news item proves both. [http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-18563_162-57504593/even-in-dementia-korean-war-medic-cares-for-his-men/?tag=showDoorLeadStoriesAreaMain%3BENLeadHero]
~~~~~
By the way, contrary to almost all the MSM, I liked Clint's speech at the Republican Convention. I thought it was both timely and funny. And ... it was a welcome escape from the typical "canned" presentations of the conventions. [http://www.cagle.com/news/clint-eastwood/page/3/?utm_source=daily&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_content=feature&utm_campaign=090112]
~~~~~
I find myself deeply affected by Neil Armstrong's death. I guess this is one hero I thought would always be there. Part of my problem may be the lack of real acknowledgement of his life, contributions and death by the media.
The living need a funeral to process the loss of another human being. It looks like we'll have to provide our own private memorials because there doesn't appear to be much chance of the national media really covering the story.
~
On TV, a quiet exit for first man on the moon - Aug 26, 7:30 PM (ET)

By DAVID BAUDER - NEW YORK (AP) - By the yardstick of history, Neil Armstrong was among the most accomplished men ever to walk on the planet that he looked upon from afar one magical week in July 1969.

Television news didn't seem to fully recognize the importance of the first human to walk on the moon on the weekend he died.

In the hours after Armstrong's death was announced, news networks were airing canned programming - jailhouse documentaries, a rerun interview with Rielle Hunter, Mike Huckabee's weekend show. Menacing satellite pictures of Tropical Storm Isaac had much more air time than Armstrong's dusty hops on the lunar surface. Talk of the upcoming GOP national convention sucked up the air.
...
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20120826/DA0TB2V82.html
...
Late in the week, President Barack Obama issued a proclamation directing that the United States flag be flown at half-staff upon all public buildings and grounds, on Friday, August 31, as a mark of respect and an expression of public sorrow for astronaut Neil Armstrong who’s funeral was that day. Armstrong died last Saturday at age 82.
~~~~~
And … I’ve lost three of my Dow Chemical coworkers over the last few months. My friend, Billy Glenn Cozart, is the latest to pass away. His Obituary paints a true and colorful story of him so I'm sharing it here.
~
Billy Glynn Cozart was born February 2, 1929 in Flynn, Texas to Glendon and Mary Louise McDuffie Cozart and died August 30, 2012 in Little Rock, Arkansas.

In 1935, he became a big brother to his only sister, Dorothy (Dot). While growing up in the Depression years in East Texas, he lived in many little towns, most notably for him, Bedias. In the early 1940’s, his family moved to Freeport, Texas. He was very active in Boy Scouts and he was a Sea Scout, an Eagle Scout, and enjoyed many trips with his troop out in the Gulf of Mexico on a boat that the Coast Guard had given to his troop after World War II had ended.

He graduated from Freeport High School in 1946 and worked one year for Dow Chemical. In 1948, he enrolled at Sam Houston State College in Huntsville, Texas, receiving a bachelor’s degree in sociology in 1951. One of his dreams was to become a professional Scoutmaster.

The day after he graduated from college, he enrolled in the United States Navy. He was a radar man and served on the U.S.S. John Hancock and the U.S.S. John Boles. He did enjoy his ventures to many foreign ports in the Korean War and he made some wonderful lifelong friends during his service. When he returned from the service, he returned to Freeport where he began dating his future wife Drusilla Priestly. He always liked to say that he and Drusilla were never properly introduced -- they had always just known each other. He also thought that she was well off because she had new furniture in her apartment and money in the bank and she would take him to the ballet and opera in Houston, Texas. Only later did he realize that her furniture was all bought on credit and she had just enough money in the bank to pay it off. Nevertheless, he decided she was the woman of his dreams and they were married April 27, 1956 in Velasco, Texas and they promptly started their family, eventually having five children together: James Glyndon, George Mason, David Glynn, Angela Sue and William Andrew. They lived in a house about a mile from the Gulf of Mexico. He was one of those men who fit the saying, “Any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy.”

In September 1961, Hurricane Carla struck the Texas Gulf Coast and Billy worked 80-hour weeks for many months helping to rebuild the Dow Chemical plant in Freeport, all the while also working on rebuilding his home which had suffered major damage in the storm. On December 26, 1966, Billy and Dru uprooted from Lake Jackson, Texas and moved to Magnolia, Arkansas where Billy helped to build a new bromine plant for Dow Chemical. He retired in 1987 and was proud of the fact that Dow Chemical was the only employer he ever had.

Billy loved his many years in Magnolia. He was a Scoutmaster, president of the Optimist Club and president of the Habitat for Humanity and a lifelong member of the Methodist Church, having been a member of the First United Methodist Church in Magnolia since 1967. He loved to work in his yard and prided himself on his Saint Augustine grass and his many flower beds. He loved to work his compost bed and built his own greenhouse in his backyard. He and Dru enjoyed attending Naval reunions across the country, traveling from California to Virginia to Florida to Mount Rushmore and many points in between. He spent hundreds of hours in his workshop making things out of wood, working on his lathe and repairing things for others. He was very proud of making little stools, Easter Baskets and trunks for his grandchildren. He was an avid reader. He loved to watch and observe people. One of his favorite sayings was, “How do you know that the red that I see is the red that you see?”

He was a man of great integrity who instilled in his children of the value of hard work and the love of a good joke. He laughed a lot and could find the humor in any situation. He enjoyed his mealtimes immensely and as soon as one meal was over, he was already looking forward to the next.

He is survived by his wife of 56 years, Drusilla; his sons, James (Rena) of Kennett Square, Pennsylvania; Mason (Robin) of Little Rock; David of Fayetteville; Andrew of Little Rock; and his favorite daughter, Angela (Phillip) of Fayetteville. He is also survived by his grandchildren, Mary Katharine McKnight of Fayetteville; Elizabeth (Joseph) McKnight Courtney of Champaign, Illinois; Glyn Ellen Cozart of Washington, D. C.; and Jack Dial Cozart of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. He is also survived by his sister, Dorothy Oden of Granbury, Texas; a sister-in-law, Virginia (Grady) Joiner of Houston, Texas; and niece and nephews, Doug Oden, Donna Hohon, Susie Zulch, Karen Kemp, Kim Anderson, and Mike Oden. He will be greatly missed.

Visitation was at Lewis Funeral Home in Magnolia, Arkansas 7-9 p.m. Saturday, September 1.

Funeral services will be 2 p.m. Sunday, September 2 at the First United Methodist Church. Graveside services will follow at Magnolia Memorial Park under the direction of Lewis Funeral Home, Inc., of Magnolia.

Memorials may be made to the Billy and Drusilla Cozart Scholarship at Southern Arkansas University in Magnolia, Arkansas. Address is P.O. Box 9174, Magnolia, Arkansas 71754.
~
Bill Cozart was one of the first folks I met when I started work at Dow Chemical. He had the safety job at the time and spent several days training the three of us who were coming on shift. He made me feel welcome and gave me confidence that I’d survive in this new job.
Later, Annette and I would also get to know Drusilla, his lovely wife. Their humor and kindness were always on display. They’re the kind of folks that give you faith in the folks God has put in your life.
God Speed Billy G.
~~~~~
Money Saving Tips and More from Entergy
[http://members.questline.com/Article.aspx?articleID=23402&accountID=3487&nl=13257&userID=6861211]
~~~~~
Quotes from some of my favorite folks:
~
JoAnn Kelly Clark
I miss the Olympics...when we reported on the successes of men versus the evil they succumb to.
~
Donah Dumas
My wife says I never listen to anything she says. At least I think that's what she said?
~
Chuck Jackson
I believe in reducing government and increasing employment in the private sector; I hold this belief especially high for Democrats.
~
Nancee David Law
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest.

A wise man said to his grandson "there are two wolves inside you.. a good and a bad" the grandson said "which one wins?" the man said "the one you choose to feed."

Coffee: Jet fuel for the morning impaired.

What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?
~
Jimmy Malone
God specializes in the impossible. He delegates the possible to us. God parted the Red Sea. Moses just picked up a stick.
~
Rick Pavick
The only people who are mad at you for speaking the truth are those people who are living a lie.
Keep speaking the truth.
~
Norma Kay Rowe
God speaks to those who take time to LISTEN and He listens to those who take time to PRAY.
~~~~~
Out of the mouths of Babes - We who have taught, or love children who have been taught, know this is funny! From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher

My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickan' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...

" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful? Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.
~
Thanks to my cousin Polly, who retired after teaching more years than she’d want me to share.
~~~~~
Two 50-person National Disaster Medical System, Disaster Medical Assistance Teams (from Georgia and Virginia) deployed in response to Hurricane Isaac. Additional NDMS personnel from California, Florida, Massachusetts, and Texas are on alert to deploy if needed.
~~~~~
Obama administration increases energy-efficiency targets - - President Barack Obama on Thursday issued an executive order to set higher energy-efficiency targets for U.S. manufacturers. Such goals will spur about $40 billion to $80 billion in investments and boost combined heat and power capacity to 40 gigawatts by 2020 while reducing energy expenditure by $10 billion a year, according to the administration. The Hill/E2 Wire blog (8/30) [http://thehill.com/blogs/e2-wire/e2-wire/246673-obama-sets-new-energy-efficiency-goal]
~~~~~
AskBob - Geekly Update - Firefox 15 was released recently. It seems to have a couple of cool new improvements. It might even be good enough to make you want to switch. Should you install it? Here are the pros and cons... [http://askbobrankin.com/should_you_download_firefox_15.html?awt_l=HZr.N&awt_m=JKkC6RirR8P6SL]
~~~~~
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.
~
Michael Yon shared this moving video of hundreds of New Zealand Defence Force troops performing a Maori funeral Haka for three New Zealand troops killed in Afghanistan by an IED strike On 19 August. The IED took the lives of Corporal Luke Tamatea, 31, Private Richard Harris, 21, and Lance Corporal Jacinda Baker, 26, medic.

I've never heard of this ceremony before, and I was moved by the emotion of it. [http://www.michaelyon-online.com/2nd-1st-farewell-their-fallen-comrades-with-a-huge-haka.htm#.UD5aLIBMQgU.facebook]
~
You can sign up for Michael’s Twitter.com updates at "Michael_Yon" [http://twitter.com/Michael_Yon] (not Michael Yon).

You can sign up on his Face book [https://www.facebook.com/MichaelYonFanPage] for daily updates.

Please remember that this website accepts no advertisement and is dependent on your support.
~
www.michaelyon-online.com
~~~~~
If you would like to encourage US Troops overseas, but are not sure just how to begin, visit www.anysoldier.com for ideas.
~~~~~
Sometimes breaking barriers is a good thing; sometimes it means you need some help from brave neighbor.

Father/Son Team Rescue 120 Flooding Victims Jesse Schaffer and his son, also named, Jesse, stayed behind in their south Louisiana town to help rescue their neighbors caught in rising flood waters.
[http://darynkagan.demo.nimbussoftware.com/heroism/2012/he_120831_father_son_rescue_120.html]

Rising Quarterback Star Is a Girl! 17-year-old girl is breaking barriers on the football field.
[http://darynkagan.demo.nimbussoftware.com/sports/2012/sp_120831_rising_quarterback_girl.html]

DarynKagan.com
~~~~~
http://www.shelfari.com
http://www.shelfari.com/bugsbleat/shelf
~~~~~
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include - - What was at the time (mid 1970s) Farmer's Bank Drive Through. A montage of the attic room in the old Duke house and a foot bridge at Stamps Pond. Colorado Aspens. Annette's back door decorations. Methodist? Church west of Brister, AR.
~~~~~
For the latest issue of "Da Bleat" go to http://www.bugsbleat.blogspot.com.
Our photos are posted at http://www.bugsbleatphotos.blogspot.com.
~~~~~
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
~~~~~
BreakPoint - - Lessons from the Akin Fiasco
Principles and Facts
By: John Stonestreet: August 31, 2012

Is there anything we can learn from the Todd Akin fiasco? I think there is, and that it’s important.

Trust me. I had very much hoped to avoid this train wreck scenario surrounding the comments of Republican Senate nominee Todd Akin from Missouri.

But there’s something about this whole event, and especially its aftermath, that has troubled me enough to comment: how Akin’s stance on abortion in cases of rape or incest has been all mixed together with his comments about rape itself. That needs to be addressed and clarified, especially in light of the embarrassment otherwise pro-life candidates have shown about their own views on abortion in cases of rape or incest.

Look, I quickly join my voice with the legions of others that despite our intentions, we should never use this phrase “legitimate rape” again. No rape is legitimate; all rape is devastating, evil, and dehumanizing. I also join with others in condemning the profoundly unscientific idea that a woman’s body prevents pregnancy in cases of rape.

Mr. Akin was apparently drawing from an old pro-life argument that the trauma of rape somehow makes female victims far less likely to conceive a child. But research by the Journal of American Obstetrics and Gynecology suggests that the incidence of rape-related pregnancies is about 5 percent. That may sound like a low percentage, but that translates to more than 32,000 rape-related pregnancies every year. That doesn’t sound rare to me, especially when what hangs in the balance are at least 64,000 moms and babies who bear the image and likeness of God.

Clearly the first lesson to be learned is, we need to know our facts. This is true whether we’re talking about abortion or something like evolution. We’re too quick to jump to an argument or quote some statistics simply because it seems to work for our cause at that time. And that creates a huge problem when those stats or facts change with new data. Plus, this points directly to the second lesson we should learn from this whole fiasco.

Let me explain. Akin was being asked about abortion in cases of rape and incest. His position, which he went on to clarify later, is that abortion should be illegal in cases of rape or incest because it creates a second victim from the initial evil act. But he jumped out with a pragmatic argument for what is essentially a moral dilemma.

Even if his argument about rape pregnancies being rare was true, though clearly it wasn’t, the frequency of rape-related pregnancies has nothing to do with whether aborting a baby in cases of rape is right or wrong. The fundamental moral question, as my friends at Pro-Life Training Institute often point out, is “what is the unborn?”

If the unborn is a distinct, whole, living human being, then abortion is always taking of innocent life. Abortion in cases of rape and incest is creating a second victim of what is already an evil, terrible dehumanizing crime.

We must continue to appeal to people on the basis of moral truth, good and evil, even in our increasingly postmodern society. Truth is not based on statistics, opinion polls, or frequency. Truth, even hard truth like this one, reflects the way that the God of the Bible designed the world we live in.
I am thrilled to host Megan Almon and Scott Klusendorf of the Life Training Institute on BreakPoint this Week to talk about this very difficult issue. How can we love victims of rape enough to not only care for them, but to also help them protect the unborn? Scott’s book The Case for Life is the most practical resource available for being consistently pro-life in our day. Come to BreakPoint.org, click on this commentary to find out more about it and to listen to this important interview.

Further Reading and Information

Todd Akin Is Not a Victim - Review and Outlook | Wall Street Journal | August 29, 2012
[http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390444506004577617732439175996.html?mod=WSJ_Opinion_LEADTop]

Akin and His Critics
Mona Charen | NationalReview.com | August 23, 2012
[http://www.nationalreview.com/articles/314718/akin-and-his-critics-mona-charen]

Todd Akin not alone in adhering to bogus rape theory
Kim Geiger | Chicago Tribune News | August 20, 2012
[http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/la-pn-todd-akin-rape-theory-origins-20120820,0,2396186.story]

Link between rape and pregnancy
BBC News | Health | June 20, 2001
[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/1398894.stm]

BP this Week: The Tough Questions about Abortion
John Stonestreet | BreakPoint.org | August 31, 2012
[http://www.breakpoint.org/features-columns/discourse/discourse-archive/entry/15/20190]

The Case for Life: Equipping Christians to Engage the Culture
Scott Klusendorf | Crossway Books | March 2009
[http://www.colsoncenterstore.org/product.asp?sku=1433503204]

[http://www.breakpoint.org/bpcommentaries]
Copyright © 2012 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved
~~~~~
Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:
~
Senator John Boozman (R_ AR)
1 Russell Courtyard
Washington DC, 20510
Phone: 202-224-4843
http://boozman.senate.gov/
~
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
http://pryor.senate.gov/
~
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314
http://ross.house.gov/
Other states congresspersons can be found at: [http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/]
~~~~~
"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." - T.S. Eliot

"There is no power on earth that can neutralize the influence of a high, pure, simple and useful life." - Booker T. Washington

"Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are." - Malcolm Forbes

"Words ought to be a little wild for they are the assaults of thought on the unthinking." - John Maynard Keynes

"Some people have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can." - Willis R. Whitney

"Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." - Mark Twain

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus
~~~~~
BREAKING CHRISTIAN NEWS
http://breakingchristiannews.com/

Preventing Child Trafficking: Cutting Off the Supply Line of Kids
B2F Staff (Aug 27, 2012)
Born2Fly Project announces new child trafficking prevention program designed to reach kids before the traffickers do. Available as free download from www.born2fly.org.
[http://www.breakingchristiannews.com/articles/display_art.html?ID=10479]

Poll Shows Who Christian Women Believe They Are
Teresa Neumann - Commentary (Aug 27, 2012)
Maybe I'm being a cry baby, or in denial, but this reporter believes the results are flawed.
[http://www.breakingchristiannews.com/articles/display_art.html?ID=10481]
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
GCF: GCF: Opinion Poll

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
--------------------------------------------------

An opinion poll was taken recently among citizens in local high-rise retirement condos. The questions were direct and simple. The poll produced few surprises. The questions and answers follow...

What's the most important right guaranteed us by the Constitution?
The senior citizen discount.

What is the greatest invention of the century?
The plastic in my new knees, hips, and heart valve.

What is the surest sign society is in decline?
Those neighbors carousing after 8 PM.

What is your favorite dinner entree?
Early birds.

Do you have trouble eating steak or corn on the cob?
Only when I misplace my teeth.

What's the cheapest way to lower winter heating bills?
Hot flashes.

What are your most bothersome medical problems?
Those not covered by Medicare.

What are the hardest-to-find fashion accessories?
White shoes and belts.
_ __________________________________ _

GCF: Customer Guide to Supermarket Checkout

1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.

2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!

3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says
"no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!

4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.

5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed. Get it right. If you're not sure just say, "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.

6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.

7. Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt. Don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.

9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

10. Don't forget rule NO. 8

11. After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.

12. When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite -- but you don't have to.

13. When the store is not busy and there is only one check-stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.

14. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.
_ _______________ _

GCF: Newly Rich

The nouveau-riche real-estate developer splurged on a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow and couldn't wait to show it off. So after a meeting with the bank, he offered one of the senior officers a ride home.

"Whaddaya think?" he couldn't resist asking his passenger after a mile or two. "Pretty classy, eh? I bet you've never ridden in one of these before."

"Actually, I have," replied the banker graciously, "but this is the first time in the front seat."
_ _______________ _

GCF: New Glasses

A woman walks into the optometry store to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased the week before.

"What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" the optometrist inquired.

"Well, I bought these glasses for my husband last week and they're just not working," the woman complained.

"Perhaps the lab made an error in filling the prescription."

"I'm sure they must have," the woman confirmed. "My husband's still not seeing things my way."
_ _______________ _

GCF: Cold Air

One afternoon, while touring the Canyonlands of southern Utah, my husband and I pulled into the only hotel in a small town. While signing the register, we asked the young woman behind the desk if our room was air-conditioned.

When she shook her head no, we hesitated, wondering if we should push on to the next town.

Sensing our doubt, she brightened as she came up with a solution. "Just turn on the heater," she suggested. "Our customers tell us all that comes out is cold air anyway."
_ _______________ _

GCF: Driving Test

It was just another day at the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles). I had just left with a client as part of her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind us -- sirens wailing, lights flashing.

"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after we pulled over.

"No," said the officer. "But you are driving a stolen vehicle."

Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. "Does this mean I failed my test?"
_ _______________ _

GCF: Fitness

I was walking to lunch with my friend Tristan and discussing the need to start an exercise program. A mutual friend, Chris, joined us on the walk and after listening to Tristan and I talk about fitness, Chris said, "I'm exercising every day."

"You're exercising?" we asked. "Daily?"

"Yeah!" he replied. "I swim after work on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. And I run on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

We stopped walking, and I asked Chris, "How long have you been doing this?"

"Oh, I don't start until next week!" he replied.
_ _______________ _

GCF: Penguins

Reported in Audubon Society Magazine:

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and turn directly to the penguin colony and overfly it.

Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.
_ _______________ _

GCF: Give a Man a Fish

Give a man a fish and he will eat all day.

Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid-looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot and stand waist-deep in cold water so he can try to outsmart a fish.

Average cost per fish: $395.68
_ _______________ _

GCF: Where It Lies

Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies ... "No matter what!"

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his ball and it ended up on the concrete cart path. As he reached down to pick up and move his ball, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"

"But I'm entitled to relief -- it's in the rules of golf!"

"Our agreement supersedes the rules. Not allowed."

Finally, in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. He stood near his ball and took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.

Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the cement again and sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight toward the green, landed softly, and rolled to a stop no more than two inches from the cup.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"

The man answered with a wry smile. "Your 7 iron."
_ _______________ _

GCF: Coffee Spill

The chef of an upscale restaurant collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over the computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds.

After sopping up the mess, everyone gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on again.

"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.

A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."
_ _______________ _

GCF: Firehouse Training Session

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit:

"You got the right place."
_ _______________ _

GCF: Sick Dog

When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog."

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."
_ _______________ _

GCF: Pizza Tip

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "Not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"
_ _______________ _

GCF: Overdue Bill

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."
_ _______________ _

GCF: New Neighbor

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"

"No."

"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."

"Some other time; I'm busy."

"Dad, you have to meet them now."

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.

"Where are they?" I asked.

"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"
_ _______________ _

GCF: Welsh Mat

An American was touring Wales, and upon entering a hotel in one town, noticed the words, "TAM" written on the mat.

"Ah!" he said, "I suppose that's Welsh for Welcome."

"No, sir," replied the doorman. "That's the bath mat upside down."
_ _______________ _

GCF: Curiosity

Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions ... lots of questions. Finally, one day, my wife had it.

"Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked.

"No," replied Terra.

"Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!"

Wide-eyed, Terra whispered: "What was in the hole?"
_ _______________ _

GCF: New Bicycle

Johnny was one of those holy terrors. You know, the kind of child that is into everything, can't keep still, and drives you crazy. His father was surprised when Johnny's mother suggested that they buy him a bicycle for his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior?" the father asked.

"Well, no," the mom admitted, "But it will spread it over a wider area."
_ _______________ _

GCF: Algebra Problem

Because my tenth grade math class had difficulty solving an algebra problem, I went to the blackboard to demonstrate how it was done. The solution required many steps, but finally we arrived at the answer: X = 0.

One of my students complained, "You mean to tell me we did all that work for nothing?"
_ _______________ _

GCF: Car Privileges

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
_ _______________ _

GCF: Overboard!

On a U.S. cruiser, the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"

"I'd yell 'Man overboard!'" answered the lookout snappily.

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"
_ _______________ _

GCF: Inner Peace

I think I have found the secret to inner peace.

I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of candy. I feel better already.
_ _______________ _

CF: Sorting Clothes

Helping her mom sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, the six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt.

"What's this?" she asked.

"It's a garter belt," the mom said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, mom added, "It's for holding up stockings."

"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we'll use it next Christmas Eve."

_ _______________ _

GCF: First Apartment

Our son lived at home all four of his undergraduate years. He moved out only when he went to grad school and got an apartment. The first time my husband and I went to see his new place, he greeted us, saying, "I'm glad to finally be the host."

As we walked in the door, my husband whispered to me, "Instead of the parasite."
_ _______________ _

GCF: Healthy Place

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

"Say, is this really a healthy place?"

"It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."
_ _______________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | tellswor@kcbx.net | \ \
_( (_ | http://www.kcbx.net/~tellswor | _) )_
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Second Act

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he needed to use the restroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the men's room.

He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage. Since nobody was watching and his need was becoming more urgent, he decided to relieve himself right there.

When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said indignantly. "You were in it!"

Received from Joke du Jour.

(_:][:_)

Marinate

One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"

She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"

As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"

Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

Received from Clean-Laffs.

(_:][:_)

Lost Paper

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown, say, "That's not it," and put it down again. This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said, "That's it."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

(_:][:_)

Selling a Policy

A man walked into an insurance office and asked for a job.

"We don't need anyone," the manager replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime anything."

"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell to. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed the manager two checks, one for an $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that?" the manager asked.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman. I can sell anyone anytime anything."

"Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked him.

"Why's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000, the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walked in with two 5-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He set the buckets down and reached in his shirt pocket, producing two bottles of urine. After setting them on the desk, he said, "Here's Mr. Brown's, and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," the manager said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention. I sold them a group policy!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

(_:][:_)

Lawyers and the Truth

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment. "Yes, son," he replied. "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(_:][:_)

Eggplants

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25(cents) each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(_:][:_)

Teenage Attire

A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti-string top.

An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young she had dressed the same way; it was the style.

He said, "Yeah! Well, if you remember right, I had something to say about that, too!"

"Yes dear," she said, "you did ... you asked me for my phone number!"

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.

(_:][:_)

Talk to God

During "children's time" in the worship service, the kids came forward and the pastor, wanting to teach about prayer, asked, "How can we talk with God?"

The pastor produced paper and envelope and said, "Maybe we can write God a letter. Does anyone know God's address?"

The group said no.

Then the pastor pulled out his cell phone and said, "Maybe we can telephone God. Does anyone know God's phone number?"

The response was again negative.

Then the pastor displayed his laptop computer and said, "Maybe we can send God an e-mail!"

A little five-year-old boy enthusiastically said, "Yeah, try www-dot-God-dot-com!"

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

(_:][:_)

Butcher Shop

A woman walks into a butcher shop and asks the butcher how much a pound of tenderloin is."$12 per pound," replies the butcher.

"Are you sure? That can't be," says the lady.

"Look, madam, it says right here on the card that it's $12 per pound."

"But that seems so high compared to other butchers in the area."

"Lady, maybe they gave you the price for a poorer cut of beef."

"No, the butcher across the street said it was $9 per pound," she says.

"Well, then, why don't you go buy it there?" asks the butcher.

"Because they are all out."

"Well, when I'm all out, I sell it for $8 per pound," retorts the butcher.

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.

(_:][:_)

Statues

A male statue on a museum pedestal watched with great interest as a female statue was placed beside him.

"Hello, I'm made of exotic brown marble," he introduced himself. "What is your background?"

"Oh, my background is impeccable," she answered. "I'm made of the finest ivory to be found anywhere on earth."

"You sure are beautiful! I know this is sudden, but I already care for you. Will you marry me?"

"How do I know you will always give me the respect that fine ivory deserves?"

"Oh, my dear, I love you so much already -- I could never take you for granite!"

Received from Louise Norman.

(_:][:_)

Spy Hunter

The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.

The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."

The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning."

The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(_:][:_)

Shoreside Labors?

A father and son saw a fisherman standing waist-deep in the water, repeatedly casting a net into the surging tide, but it seemed every time he pulled it in, the net was empty.

"Look how hard he works to support his family," Dad observed. "We can learn a lot from his perseverance."

"Aw, Dad," quipped his computer-savvy son, "he isn't working; he's just netting the surf!"

- Reader's Digest, July 1999

Received from gapope.

(_:][:_)

Bumper Stickers for Ladies

GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN, AND I HAVE A GUN.

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY ... I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

Received from FranCMT2.

(_:][:_)

Chaos

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

(_:][:_)

Crows

A farmer out plowing stopped for lunch under a big oak tree.
As he pulled out a big baloney sandwich, his wife called him, so he set it down and went to see what she wanted.

A flock of crows dropped out of the tree and started eating the farmer's sandwich. The biggest crow grabbed the baloney out of the sandwich, flew to the plow handle, and ate the whole thing. When the farmer came back, all the crows flew away except the one on the plow because he was too heavy to fly. Out of desperation, he leaped off the plow handle and fell to his death.

Moral: Don't fly off the handle when you're full of baloney!

Received from Bryan.

(_:][:_)

Hi Marve,

Thought I'd send a short e-mail to apologize about our lunch date yesterday ... I don't know what made me think we could chat and catch up with the baby there ... guess I've learned my lesson -- you just can't have any kind of sensible conversatii) ###yyt JJ9swwb3@@kkjnn xbbp $mmk??? zzllwwpzt#BBBp223# #jjjj(((dfsssw4 ---// ... -- with kids around.

Sandra Bell-Lundy in Reader's Digest

Received from Keith Sullivan.

(_:][:_)

Apply Locally

Customer gets a topical cream. Directions: Apply locally two times a day.

Customer says to the pharmacist: "I can't apply locally; I'm going overseas."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

(_:][:_)

Flying Home

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, but we can't do that."

"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(_:][:_)

Geneology Funnies

My family coat of arms ties at the back ... is that normal?

My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.

My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!

Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!

My hobby is genealogy; I raise dust bunnies as pets.

How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?!

I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap ...

I'm not stuck -- I'm ancestrally challenged.

I'm searching for myself; have you seen me?

If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help
...

Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem leads to two more!

It's 2012 ... Do you know where your G-G-Grandparents are?

A family tree can wither if nobody tends its roots.

A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.

After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.

Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.

Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?

FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.

Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease but I love it.

Genealogists are time unravelers.

Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide ... I seek!

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.

"Crazy" is a relative term in my family.

A pack rat is hard to live with but makes a fine ancestor.

I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand.

I should have asked them BEFORE they died!

I think my ancestors had several "bad heir" days.

I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNE flower.

Only a genealogist regards a step backwards as progress.

Share your knowledge -- it is a way to achieve immortality.

Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!

It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the
evening nor a thief.

Many a family tree needs pruning.

Shh! Be very, very quiet ... I'm hunting forebears.

Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!

That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!

I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes.

Genealogists live in the past lane.

All right! Everybody out of the gene pool!

Always willing to share my ignorance ...

Documentation ... the hardest part of genealogy.

Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!

Genealogy ... will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?

That's the problem with the gene pool: NO lifeguards.

I researched my family tree ... and apparently I don't exist!

Received from Andychap.

(_:][:_)

Jest For Kids

Riddles and Puns for the 8- to 14-year-old

RIDDLES

What can rabbits have that no other animal can have?
Baby rabbits.

What would a barefoot man get if he steps on an electric wire?
A pair of shocks.

What game did the cat want to play with the mouse?
Catch.

Why shouldn't you throw plastic bags into the swamps in Louisiana?
Because the bags are not bayou degradable.

What do you get if you cross a Hawaiian dancer with an Indian brave?
A Hula-whoop.

Where do seahorses sleep at night?
In barn-icles.

What do you get when you cross a dog with a daisy?
A collie-flower.

SCHOOL WORK

Define "Stagecoach": The Theater Arts teacher.

Use "Justice" in a sentence: It JUSTICE not right that she gets all the breaks.

Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.

Warning label for Bic Lighter: "Ignite lighter away from face."

"You have the right to remain silent," said Tom arrestingly.

PUNS & OTHER HUMOR

Knock, knock,
Who's there?
Yukon
Yukon who?
Yukon never get bored of geography.

It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended.

CRIME SCENE

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.
"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," says the detective as he took a drag from his cigar. "This is the work of a cereal killer."

Received from Stan Kegel.

(_:][:_)

Higher Prices

There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street.
Smith had a sign in his window: "Avocados, 50 cents each." A woman went in and asked for some. "Sorry, love," said Smith, "I haven't got any in just now; come back on Wednesday."

So she went on up the street to Jones. But his avocados were $2.00 each! But at least he had them in stock.

"That's a bit steep, isn't it? Smith's are only 50 cents each."

"Yeah," said Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock, mine also are only 50 cents a piece!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

(_:][:_)

Fishing License

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the game warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of a cave. The game warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the game warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy!" the warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the game warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.

(_:][:_)

It's So True

- Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!

- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

- The Bill of Rights (Void where prohibited by law)

- A fool and his money can throw a great party.

- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

- Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Losing a wife/husband can be hard. In my case it was nearly impossible.

- The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

(_:][:_)

Fly Right!

My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger with overloaded bags tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead bin of the plane.

Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't
have this problem."

My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(_:][:_)

Groaner: The Twins

A fellow and his wife in Muskogee, Oklahoma, where the people are all patriots, were blessed with the birth of twins, two identical girls. These twins were born on the 4th of July, and the father, being patriotic, said to his wife, "We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the Pledge of Allegiance."

His wife said, "Are you nuts? You can't have girls going through life with names like Liberty and Justice. We're going to name them regular girl's names like Mary or Jane."

Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compromise was reached. They would each name one of the girls. The man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth.
As the girls grew, they were so identical, they kept pulling tricks on people who couldn't tell them apart.

Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took interest in them. He would take one or the other out on a date but he was never sure which one he was with. He decided he would marry one of them, or both if he could get away with it, but he wasn't sure which one he would marry if he could only get one.

He went to the girls' father and explained his quandary. "I love your daughters and want to marry one of them, but I can't tell them apart, so I will leave it up to you. Give me Liberty or give me Beth."

(By Bob Welsh)

(_:][:_)

Letter of Resignation

Asked why she was leaving her position, a secretary
explained in her letter of resignation:

Dear Boss,

My reason for leaving will soon be apparent - and so will I.

Signed,
Mary

Received from Clean-Laffs.

(_:][:_)

Last Words

"Ha! You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

"No, honey, that dress does not make you look fat. YOU make that DRESS look fat."

"This vest is totally bullet-proof. I'd bet my life on it."

"Whoops."

"Hey, everybody, watch this!!!"

"Sure I know how to fly a plane. I just don't know how to land one."

"Oh yeah? You don't look so tough."

"Yes, I'm sure it's perfectly safe."

"No worries. Those cannibals are vegetarians."

Received from Lizzy Wernert.

(_:][:_)

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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Column - - http://www.madkane.com/madness/

Reid v. Romney (Limerick)
August 6th, 2012

I’m pleased that Harry Reid’s doubled down on his claim that Mitt Romney may not have paid taxes for ten years. And I agree with Nancy Pelosi: If Reid says he has a good source on this, Reid has a good source on this. Unlike Mitt Romney, Reid isn’t a liar.

Instead of making assertions about what’s in his tax returns, Romney needs to follow custom and release his returns. If Romney’s lying about his tax returns now, it wouldn’t be the first time: He was caught lying about his tax returns back in 2002 regarding the critical issue of residency.

Reid v. Romney (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m glad that Reid’s on the attack
And is giving Mitt Romney some flak.
I just wish Harry Reid
In the Senate would lead
With a similar street-fighting knack.

UPDATE: Here’s a second limerick related to this topic:

Harry Reid is not up for election,
So his jab in Mitt Romney’s direction
Is fail-safe of course:
If Reid’s wrong, then his source
Just misled him. Reid’s plan is perfection.

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
http://www.madkane.com/
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“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
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Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
~~~~~
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Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

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