Friday, September 28, 2012

Bug’s Bleat - - GCF: Tornado Warning

Volume 14, Issue 38 Friday, September 28, 2012

Running Video at MCC in the old building.

On the "Hard Hat Tour" at Hoover Dam.

My favorite Brayton Fire Field Photo.

Our Fire Brigade ID tags.

Pat Hammock doing his "Fire" dance at A&M.

Med Chopper takes off from St. Michaels.

Resurfacing US82 between Garland City and the hills.

Hello ALL,

Annette claims that all my stories are "fiction" (lies) Here's what her daughter thinks: "Daddy, ROBL (that's rolling on the bed Laughing)
Love mama's games! The Chinese one is completely true!
Annette’s “Day Of Rest” - - We’ve been fairly busy what with Mike in the hospital in Texarkana, Dusty in the ElDorado hospital, Vanessa and Jimmy moving, MCC women preparing to leave for a Women Of God conference and performing myriad other tasks that seem to be “immediately necessary” in our lives.

So, after going to Texarkana to check on Mike again on Wednesday, and, while we were there, Annette getting her lower back injected to stop some nerve pain (a procedure which required her to be anesthetized,) Then returning to Magnolia and, again handling numerous other necessary jobs, Annette decreed that Thursday would be a day of rest.

We had a rough night as Annette was in significant pain from the injection. Sometime in the wee hours she finally fell asleep but she woke with greatly reduced pain. And she again announced that Thursday would be a day to rest and recharge. … At least until she woke up fully.

We had breakfast, then visited with Jimmy and Vanessa as they came over to eat waffles and eggs since they have already boxed up their kitchen.

After they left, around 9:00 am, we retired to the bedroom to catch up on our TV viewing. About 9:15 am Annette announced that she felt good enough to get her nails and feet done at “Lovely Nails.”
She’d been thinking that I could drop her off, take an item back to Radio Shack, deposit the book store money, cash another check we’d received and pick up my book at the library.

Since when does a day of rest include a chores list?
But, I told her o.k. and went to take my bath. At 9:45, Annette was asking if I was ready to go yet.
I finally got dressed and out the door a little after 10 am.

After dropping her off, I did the errands and finally got back to the house about noon. I’d been there about 15 minutes when Annette called with another list of folks to be called and things to be done. She had time to think on this while they were working on her feet.

So I again headed out and started working off the list. It was almost 1 pm when David called and asked if I could bring him some lunch as he couldn’t get away from work. No problem, I’m still waiting on Annette anyway.

I’d just dropped David’s lunch off when Annette called to say she was ready to be picked up. I was already headed that way, in hopes I could be ready when she was and we could get a very late lunch.
So we went to Cancun and enjoyed lunch but Annette was still working on her “jobs list.” After lunch, she declared that we needed to go by Wal-Mart to get a Southwest salad to have for supper. … An hour and half later and $160 poorer, we left Wal-Mart with the salad and a “few” other things (which I noticed didn’t include milk which we’ll need tomorrow.)

On the way home, we made a couple of more “necessary” stops and then we unloaded the car. We’d just finished that when the kids called for help hooking up their stove. I headed out and fortunately intercepted Robert Davison who followed me over to the kid’s house and helped Jimmy hook up the stove.

So, about 8 pm we finally finished our “day of rest” and were able to sit down.

I’m not sure how many more of Annette’s “days of rest” I can stand.
Annette asked if I could tell some stories on someone else this week. So I’ve dug up a “Blast From The Past” This story first appeared in the July 29, 2000 “Bleat” but I’m figuring there’s plenty of you who haven’t heard it.
At the Plant one day, we were discussing snake encounters. As Jessie George once said "I don't have any use for anything with no shoulders." Glenn Brian told me that he'd quit picking up Mayhaws because of "Mr. No Shoulders."

Now, I'm not a fan of snakes, but they don't absolutely terrify me. My mother told the story of fishing with my father once. He was holding onto a cypress limb to steady the boat when a water moccasin crawled onto his arm. Bud just held still while trying to keep my mother from upsetting the snake. Eventually, the snake crawled off his arm and back onto the limb.

When we were kids, Charlie, Dinah Sue and I delighted in killing small snakes and hiding them around our homes for the women to find. Aunt Gertrude was especially fun to play with. But we also left them in Grandmother's home. One afternoon, we were playing in Grandmother's front yard when we heard her shout "James Fort! I told you not to ... "

Then she just screamed. Running into the house, we discovered a baby "ground rattler" in the hallway between the kitchen and dining room.
Grandmother had assumed that it was another one of the snakes we'd left lying around. However, when she stooped over to pick it up, it started rattling. That's when she screamed. We were more than happy to dispatch the beast for her and bury it in our snake graveyard.

Steve tells a story about plumbing his house. He'd been working under the house for a couple of days when, while taking a break, he noticed a copperhead at the edge of the house. He got his 357, and loaded it with rat shot intending to dispatch the intruder. However, his first shot missed (the snake, not the house) and the snake slithered further under the house. Steve called for his wife and daughter and told them to watch where the snake went under the house (it was just below that new hole in the siding) while he crawled under the other side. Once under the house, he was able to see the snake and opened fire. After expending all his ammunition, reloading and emptying the gun again, he finally dispatched the snake ... as well as the sink drain line and the toilet water line. When he came out from under the house, his family was on the roof of the family truck. They told him that seemed to be the safest place.

Greg's friends relate the story of the slithering sound in the attic.

Greg heard it during supper one evening. He climbed into the attic and saw the insulation moving in time with the slithering noises. Not one to panic, he called for his wife to bring his gun and get the kids out of the house. Once his family was clear, he dispatched the snake with only minor damage to the house (three holes in the dining room ceiling.)

Then there's the famous story of Mike and Prentiss’s frog gigging trip.

Mike and Prentiss were working evening shift at the plant. They'd parked Mike’s truck and boat in front of the control room and were ready to go at shift change. They drove straight to Dorcheat bottoms where they unloaded the boat and related equipment. Imagine their disappointment when they discovered there were no flashlights in their supplies.
Somehow, they'd both forgotten this minor item. However, not to be held up, they simply removed the headlight and battery from the truck and used a pair of jumper cables to hook the light to the battery. Off they went down the creek, gigging frogs. Mike was handling the light and Prentiss was handling the gig. They noticed a large water moccasin on the creek bank but tried to ignore him. Anyway, when they looked again, he was gone. So they continued hunting frogs. Suddenly Prentiss heard something hit the boat and yelled for Mike to shine the light in the middle of the boat. Mike swung the light around and the light revealed that large moccasin crawling over the edge of the boat. Mike grabbed a paddle and stood up to do battle. That's when he inadvertently jerked the cables loose that were connecting the light and the battery. What do you do in the pitch dark in a boat with a large snake? Their answer was to wale away at everything within reach. Once they had run out of energy, Mike was able to hook the light back up. The snake was gone.

Almost everything in the boat was damaged or destroyed. But Mike and Prentiss had survived. ... Oh yeah, the battery was dead when they got back to the truck with it.
But, a week without an Annette story is a week without sunshine so here’s another, “The Supervisor.”
Annette has complained long and loud about me “bossing” her since I retired. And I admit that I’m used to supervising my team members so that attitude may have carried over to home when I was no longer working.

However, the real truth is that Annette is the boss of our home and the supervisor of all that goes on there.

For instance, several years ago she wanted to get rid of a tree on the east side of our home. She called the normal reputable folks and was quoted almost $2,000 to do the job (a large tree, located within 10 or 15 feet of two homes and with a utility line running through it.)

But Annette doesn’t buy anything that’s not on sale. She saw a flyer on the Kroger’s bulletin board, advertising reasonable rates on tree trimming and removal. So she called them.

They came out and gave her a quote and she called me and said; “They’ll do it for $250. Can we get them to take that tree down?” I asked the normal questions that would come to mind when faced with an offer of services at 1/8th what everyone else is charging; “are they insured?”

She assured me that they were licensed, bonded, insured and ready to go to work. So I said; “Have At It.”

An hour or so later she called again; “A little part of the tree hit the house but we’ve got the water off and they are fixing it.” Now many of you might rush home to see what was happening. But you’re not me and you haven’t been married to Annette for decades. I knew that she would handle it and the house would be livable when I got home, so I just continued working, while also wondering exactly how they’d managed to hit the house and how much damage had been done.

When I got home that afternoon, the crew was packing up their tools and the house was intact. The “Little Part” of the tree turned out to have been a 6’ section of a 12” diameter trunk piece that fell “wrong” and tore the outside faucet off the house, along with some siding. But all that had been repaired.

The gentleman in charge related how the trunk piece ended up hitting my house; “Your wife was supervising us, making sure we didn’t cut anything but the tree and watching us work. We had to protect the houses, the utility line and your wife each time we cut the tree. But she had walked away and we thought we were clear on this piece when, just as we finished the cut, we looked down and she was standing where the tree would hit when released to we pushed the piece the other direction as it fell and it struck the house instead of your wife.”

Well, I couldn’t fault the gentleman for taking care of Annette and the tree was gone and the house was repaired and Annette did just pay $300 for the job. I know, it was supposed to be $250, but I had her tip him for protecting her.
I have a short mental picture for you of her next “supervisory” incident when she had the tree stump “chipped.” By that time she was in a wheel chair due to breaking her ankle. She had the young men who lived next door, lift her down the back steps so she could roll around the yard watching the stump chipping operations.
Her latest foray with a tree was supervising John Cary this week as he cut down a tree that was leaning over our patio. I wasn’t aware of this activity until she complained about her arm hurting where a tree limb had hit her.

She’d forgotten to share that little detail when she showed me that the “ugly” tree had been cut back. I seems that the little woman who’s restricted from bending, lifting and twisting had somehow decided she could catch the smaller limbs and toss them over the fence to the wood pile.
Like I’ve said before; Annette is the unstoppable force.
After I posted Josiah's funeral home question, several folks sent me their stories;
Here's a little funny and it is true. A couple of weeks ago, I was at a funeral sitting with my niece, Cassie and BIL, George. George had his precious granddaughter sitting next to him...Sara. Their family had 2 funerals to attend that day so Sara, who is 4, was rather tired and had been at the funeral home all day. After sitting in the pews for about 15 minutes, Sara got fidgety and looked up at Cassie and asked, "When does this show start?" Out of the mouth of babes!!!
I love my kids. But I'd have skipped them if I could have gone straight to grandkids.
Joe's grandson was at a 'viewing' for his uncle, when he was about 7 or 8 and someone said, as they looked at his uncle in the casket,
"He looks just like he's sleeping."
(which people always say to make it seem better that a young man in the prime of life has died.)
And Jonathan very astutely said
"Well, he's not going to wake up - he's dead!"
Annette makes GREAT biscuits but occasionally liked to just drop by McDonald's for one. Until they quit making them fresh. At first they denied that these hockey pucks were any different. Then they admitted that corporate now sends out frozen biscuits for them to cook instead of the former ones that they mixed and rolled out at the local store. But they countered that their customers liked the new ones better. After a search around town, she found an acceptable biscuit at Dairy Queen. Not as good as hers nor as good as McDonald's used to be, but good enough in a pinch.
Quotes from some of my favorite folks:
Sherrie Rogers Carter
All it takes for evil to prosper is good men to do nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! unknown
Martha Chapman
"I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves." Anna Quindlen
Steve Ford
"There's always an Alien Battle Cruiser...or a Korlian Death Ray, intergalactic plague about to wipe out life on this planet, and the only thing that lets people get on with their hopeful little lives is that they don't know about it." --Agent Kay, MIB.
Ron Hazelton: The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.~ Ronald Reagan
Nancee Davis Law
If you are going through Hell, don't stop.

I may not be perfect but Jesus thinks I'm to die for.
Robert Lyons
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary." - Vince Lombardi.
Jimmy Malone
When Jesus hits you where you live, it's gonna leave a mark. #neverthesame
If you want to find God’s address, look inside!
Mark Hankins
Amanda Warren-Newton
"Sometimes we must decide not to give up on our self while we are trying to grow in our relationship with God...He isn't going to give up on us, so neither should we" Joyce Meyer
Norma Kay Rowe - Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it'll always get you the right ones.
Where would we be if we listened to our grand-kids instead of our politicians?
AskBob - Geekly Update -
Free Tools to Recover Deleted Files []
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.
Wither we should have fought a war in Afghanistan or not, the fact is that we have now abandoned our soldiers there. Bottom line, once we announced that we were going to go home, we should have gone ahead and brought our soldiers home.
Instead, they are hung out as targets in a lost cause (sound familiar?) Please read this letter from a soldier to his dad and I strongly encourage you to contact your senator and congressman.
These are brave men and women, willing to do the job for us, but to be forgotten and left to just stand and be targeted is not what they signed up for.

If they did not hate me before, this should do it. This needs to be said.

Check out this letter from a Soldier in Afghanistan. You might not believe it. (Unless you have been there.) The Soldier's father sent it to me. I verified authenticity and then asked permission to publish.

Michael Yon
You can sign up for Michael’s updates at "Michael_Yon" [] (not Michael Yon).

You can sign up on his Face book [] for daily updates.

Please remember that this website accepts no advertisement and is dependent on your support.
If you would like to encourage US Troops overseas, but are not sure just how to begin, visit for ideas.
Here's hoping today's stories make you go, "Oh, Wow!"

Gold Medalist Kerri Walsh Was Pregnant At The Olympics []
Yup, the Gold Medalist Volleyball star was pregnant while wearing those itty bitty bikinis and striking gold for the 3rd time.

Dad Sends Toy Into Space []
A dad and his young son give a favorite toy the ride of a lifetime. Cool adventure. No doubt you will smile. I know I did.
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include - - On the "Hard Hat Tour" at Hoover Dam.
Running Video at MCC in the old building.
Resurfacing US82 between Garland City and the hills.
Pat Hammock doing his "Fire" dance at A&M.
Med Chopper takes off from St. Michaels.
My favorite Brayton Fire Field Photo.
Our Fire Brigade ID tags.
For the latest issue of "Da Bleat" go to
Our photos are posted at
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
BreakPoint - - Religious Freedom & Democracy
The Sine Qua Non, Part 3 of 3
By: Eric Metaxas

When Benjamin Franklin emerged from the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia in 1787, a lady asked him, “Well, Mr. Franklin, what kind of government have you given us?” The old patriot gave his immortal reply, “Madam, we have given you a republic—if you can keep it.”

On Tuesday and Wednesday, we looked at the critical issue of whether we have what it takes to keep the American republic, through the lens of Os Guinness’s provocative and powerful new book, A Free People’s Suicide: Sustainable Freedom and the American Future.

The Constitution that Franklin and the Founders produced is dependent on what Guinness calls the Golden Triangle, which says that freedom requires virtue, and virtue requires faith, and that faith requires freedom.

The Founders knew this well. “We have no government armed with powers capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion,” John Adams said. “Avarice, ambition, revenge or gallantry would break the strongest cords of our Constitution as a whale goes through a net. Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.”

Virtually all of the Founders thought the same thing—whether they were Christians or not. As the non-Christian Ben Franklin said, “If Men are so wicked as we see them with Religion, what would they be without it?” For the Founders, the answer was crystal clear.

Thus, it’s no surprise that these men enshrined freedom of religion in the First Amendment. Religious liberty, commonly known as the “first freedom,” is absolutely at the heart of our republic, and without it, we lose everything.

While the Founders knew all this, we seem to have forgotten it. I’m shocked that we who claim to follow Christ are not focused on this issue as the elections approach. We’re more focused on economic and fiscal issues, which are also important, but our problems in these areas are symptomatic of deeper issues—in our leaders and in the American people.

The current administration apparently doesn’t understand, or doesn’t care to understand, the crucial importance of religious freedom to our experiment in ordered liberty. Maybe that’s why it has taken very definite steps to assert the primacy of so-called “sexual freedom” over religious freedom. This is not merely a matter of redefining marriage or forcing religious institutions to violate their consciences and pay for contraception, sterilizations, and the morning-after pill.

It’s a matter of a culture slowly but surely destroying itself—or, as Guinness says, “a free people’s suicide.”

But even a bare “freedom” is not enough. Guinness talks about two kinds of liberty. Negative freedom frees us from external constraint, such as overweening government. And that’s important. But Guinness says we also have to focus on positive freedom—the freedom to live out our highest ideals. It’s not just freedom from, but freedom for, that our republic desperately needs.

A Free People’s Suicide, is a superb book. You can get a copy at the BreakPoint bookstore online—please read it, and share it.
And folks, this weekend on “BreakPoint This Week,” you can listen to Os Guinness talk about “A Free People’s Suicide” with me and John Stonestreet. It’s a great discussion. If you can’t tune in on radio, you can listen by going to and clicking on “This Week.” Please, don’t miss it.

Further Reading and Information

A Free People’s Suicide []
Os Guinness | IVP Books | August 2012

Os Guinness, author of A Free People's Suicide []

Renewing Virtue []
1G Flash Drive containing video and text lessons on the Cardinal virtues | Chuck Colson, T.M. Moore, John Stonestreet, Dr. Timothy George | Colson Center

Copyright © 2012 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved
Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:
Senator John Boozman (R_ AR)
1 Russell Courtyard
Washington DC, 20510
Phone: 202-224-4843
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314
Other states congresspersons can be found at: []
"Today's Seed" from E-MIN - Jonah 3:1-5-10
"The only test of leadership is that somebody follows." - Robert K. Greenleaf

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

"Education is for improving the lives of others and for leaving your community and world better than you found it." - Marian Wright Edelman

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood." - Daniel Burnham

"He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me." - Thomas Jefferson

"Believe in those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." - Andre Gide

Denzel Washington's "Tremendous" Holy Spirit Experience - - Teresa Neumann (Sep 24, 2012)

"It did frighten me. I was slobbering, crying, sweating. My cheeks blew up. I was purging. It was almost too intense. It almost drove me away." -Denzel Washington

Denzel and PauletteIn a recent interview with GQ magazine, outspoken Christian Denzel Washington shared about a spiritual experience he had during a service at West Angeles Church of God in Christ, the church he still attends.

It happened thirty years ago when the preacher was preaching about just "letting go," and Washington decided to do just that.

"I had this tremendous physical and spiritual experience," said Washington. "It did frighten me. I was slobbering, crying, sweating. My cheeks blew up. I was purging."

Denzel Washington “It was almost too intense," he said. "It almost drove me away. I called my mother, and she said I was being filled with the Holy Spirit. I was like, 'Does that mean I can never have wine again?'"

Click on the link provided to read more about Washington, his career, his family, and his politics.

Source: Michael Hainey – GQ []
Marriage: Best Antidote to Child Poverty
Robert Rector (Sep 24, 2012)

Marriage remains America's strongest anti-poverty weapon, yet it continues to decline. Just as government discourages youth from dropping out of school, it should clearly and forcefully articulate the value of marriage.

A lengthy report from The Heritage Foundation verifies what many people of faith have long known: Marriage is key to family and attempts to circumvent it or replace it are failing. The following are just excerpts from the report. Follow the link provided to read it in its entirety and view several detailed charts:

Child poverty is an ongoing national concern, but few are aware that its principle cause is the absence of married fathers in the home. Marriage remains America's strongest anti-poverty weapon, yet it continues to decline. As husbands disappear from the home, poverty and welfare dependence will increase, and children and parents will suffer as a result. Since marital decline drives up child poverty and welfare dependence, and since the poor aspire to healthy marriage but lack the norms, understanding, and skills to achieve it, it is reasonable for government to take active steps to strengthen marriage. Just as government discourages youth from dropping out of school, it should provide information that will help people to form and maintain healthy marriages and delay childbearing until they are married and economically stable. In particular, clarifying the severe shortcomings of the "child first, marriage later" philosophy to potential parents in lower-income communities should be a priority.

Marriage graph Critically, almost none of the lower-income women who have a child out of wedlock feel that it is important to be married before having children. Although roughly half of non-married mothers were cohabiting with the father at the time of birth (nearly 75 percent were in some sort of romantic relationship with the father), these relationships are usually of short duration and unstable. Mutual understanding and commitment are lacking, and although the couples usually think and speak favorably about marriage, most tend to drift apart after the child is born.

However, low-income non-married parents are not hostile to marriage as an institution or a life goal. Ironically, most highly esteem marriage and, in fact, tend to over idealize it. Most low-income young women have traditional family goals; they hope to have a husband, children, a minivan, and a house in the suburbs "with a white picket fence." Tragically, few have a life plan that will enable them to realize their goals.

A major obstacle is that most low-income women plan to marry after having children, not before. Their life plan is the exact opposite of the normal sequence in the upper middle class. In the upper middle class, men and women still follow the traditional pattern: A man and woman become attracted to each other; a relationship develops; the couple assess each other and at some point deliberately choose to become lifetime partners; emotional bonds deepen; they marry and after a few years have children. The lowest-income third of the U.S. population, this traditional sequence of family formation and childbearing is now explicitly reversed. Women first have children and then seek to find or build a stable relationship that will eventually lead to marriage. Typically, low-income single mothers do not see marriage either as an important part of childrearing or as an important element of financial security or upward social mobility. Instead, marriage is seen as a symbolic event that should occur later in adult life. Marriage is regarded as an important ceremony that will celebrate one's eventual arrival in the middle class rather than as a vital pathway that leads upward to the attainment of middle-class status.

Low-income single mothers "believe that marriage, not children, is what requires the years of careful planning and preparation and [that] childbearing is something that happens along the way." While conceiving a child with a man you have known only a few months is not a problem, most non-married mothers believe they should get to know a man steadily for four or five years before marrying him. The idea that you should carefully select a suitable partner and diligently build a successful relationship with him before conceiving a child is a foreign concept.

In many communities, the pattern of children first and (hopefully) marriage later is so entrenched that couples have difficulty understanding an alternative; but as a means for building long-term loving relationships and nurturing homes for children, this pattern is a disaster. While low-income young women earnestly dream of having children, a husband, and a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, they have no practical plan to make this dream a reality. Sadly, their choice to have children before marriage and before forming a stable committed relationship with the child's father usually leads to the opposite outcome, dooming mothers and children to lives of poverty and struggle.

In summary, the strong desire to have children coupled with the belief that it is not important to be married before having children explains the dramatic rise in out-of-wedlock childbearing in lower-income communities. While most non-marital pregnancies are not deliberately planned, they are also not seriously avoided. The unfortunate reality is that children are usually born haphazardly to couples in unstable, uncommitted relationships that fall apart within a few years after their children are born.

Marriage is highly beneficial to children, adults, and society; it needs to be encouraged and strengthened. Under current government policies, however, marriage is either ignored or undermined. This needs to change.

Source: The Heritage Foundation
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GCF: Tornado Warning

A family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. The father told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead.

He didn't return for the longest time, so the wife went looking for him. She was upstairs calling his name, when she heard the answering machine click on.

"Hi," a voice said. "This is Dad. I'm locked out of the house."
_ _______________ _
GCF: The Boss

A group of men at the office were talking when one man said, "In my house I am the boss, and I say when the laundry is done, when the cooking is done and when the dishes are washed."

One of the other guys asked, "How long have you been married?"

The man says, "Oh, I'm not married!"
_ _______________ _
GCF: CD Player

I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked,
"What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"

He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."

"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."


_ _______________ _
GCF: The Message

Mother to four-year-old: "How did you get that big bruise on your leg?"

"It's not a bruise, Mommy. It's a message."

"How did it happen?"

"Well, I was jumping on the couch even though you told me not to, and I fell off and hit the table. That's when I finally got the message."
_ _______________ _
GCF: Croutons

To make ends meet, I wait tables at a popular restaurant on weekends.
After ordering the lunch special, one couple requested extra croutons on their salads, so I complied.

But returning to the table to refill their coffee cups, I noticed they had set all the croutons aside. Thinking I had misunderstood their request, I apologized for giving them so many.

"There's been no mistake, we did ask for extra," the man replied. "They're a favorite of our goats."
_ _______________ _
GCF: Flashlights

Flashlights used by my National Guard unit can withstand almost anything. And to prove it, they come with a lifetime warranty.

Nevertheless, nothing is indestructible, which is why the warranty also cautions, "Void with shark bites, bear attacks and children under the age of five."
_ _______________ _
GCF: Outdoor Gear

Duck decoys, fishing rods, boots -- outdoor gear of all kinds was piled high in the garage. One day I found my wife staring at the mess. "I hope I die first, so I don't have to get rid of all this," she sighed.

"Look on the bright side," I suggested. "If I go first, you can put an ad in the paper. When all the men come by to check out the stuff, you can pick out a replacement for me."

Still staring at the pile, she said, "Nah. Whoever would want all this stuff wouldn't be my type."
_ _______________ _
GCF: Favorite Candy

Our phone rang late one night, and my wife Nancy picked it up. She said, "KitKat," and hung up.

"Who was that?"

"Some boy for Carolyn," she said, referring to our daughter.

"What now?" I asked.

"He plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and wanted to know what her favorite candy is. He's going to put the invitation into a candy basket."

The next morning a basket of candy was on our porch.

"But, Mom," our daughter protested when she heard the story, "KitKat isn't my favorite candy."

"I know," Nancy said. "It's mine."
_ _______________ _
GCF: You Stink!

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge.
The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touchdown and a field goal.
When the official called yet another close one in the visitor's favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

"How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed.
"You were wrong on the out-of-bounds call, you were wrong on that last holding call, and you failed to say anything about a late hit in the first quarter."

The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he tried to suppress language that might get him tossed out of the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that YOU STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

"And how do I smell from here?" he asked.

_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: First Day of Psychiatry Class

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.

"Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.

"Sadness," was the replied.

"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.

"Elation," he replied.

"The opposite of woe?" the professor asked a young woman from Texas.

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."
_ _______________ _
GCF: Stuck in an Elevator

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you. I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"
_ _______________ _
GCF: Being Polite

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter brought out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you complaining about? The smaller piece is what you got, right?"
_ _______________ _
GCF: Paying Bills

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time.

"Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge.

"No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."
_ _______________ _
GCF: Late to School

The father said " My son used to be late to school every day. I fixed that when I bought him a used car!"

"Now, he is there early every day, to get a parking spot!"
_ _______________ _
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I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that's the definition of "old"
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine, take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands
and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour… But, by the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, 'For fast relief.'
Always REMEMBER this:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing...
I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings
I wore in high school
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Pilot’s Check List

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
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Loving Parents

As Gayle was getting to know Jim and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

"They're so thoughtful," Gayle said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Gayle and Jim were engaged, and then they married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Gayle again remarked on Jim's loving parents and even the coffee in bed.

"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied Jim. "And I take after my mom."

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.


Chore List

My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that.

"Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off!"


Groaner: Retiring Cop

A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.

"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.

"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.

"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.

"Because," answered the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of undercover crops."


Dear ...

Dear Ugly People, You're welcome.

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma stinks.
The Titanic

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it." Just saying...

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish dirtbags invaded our country and we got a little busy, OK?
The Mayans


Pit Crew

The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of car wheels in less than four seconds without proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage.

However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads changing the tires in under four seconds, but within another ten seconds had also repainted, renumbered, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.


Economics Exam

Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?

Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."


Farmer Jones

Farmer Jones was telling a story about milking cows by hand.
On one occasion as he was milking, a fly was flying around his head. As he shewed it away it flew up to the cows head and right into her ear.

And as he was milking he seen a fly drop in to the bucket. He figured it must have gone into one ear and out the udder.


Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Stupid man!


Old Man

When I joined the Army at age 23, I didn't realize I was that much older than most recruits until we had our first physical-training test. The maximum score for the five events was 500 points, and I was the only trainee in our platoon to get 400.

The drill sergeant called me to stand alone in front of the assembled platoon, and I thought I was about to be praised.

But, turning to the other trainees, he barked, "If that old man can get 400 points, just think what the rest of you should have scored!"


Honesty Quotes

Regardless of policy, honesty is easier on the nerves.

The whole art of government consists in the art of being honest. - Thomas Jefferson

The badge of honesty is simplicity.

It matters not what you do;
Make a nation or a shoe;
For he who does an honest thing
In God's pure sight is ranked a king. - John Parnell

Even a little lie is dangerous; it deteriorates the conscience. And the importance of conscience is eternal, like love. - Pablo Casals

Not keeping an appointment is an act of clear dishonesty.
You may as well borrow a person's money as his time.

It takes an honest person to admit if he's tired or just lazy.

He who loses honesty has nothing else to lose.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest--ask him. If he says yes, you know he is a crook. - Groucho Marx

An honest man is the noblest work of God. - Alexander Pope


Father of the Bride

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice.

During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."


Groaner: Horse for Sale

An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbor's lawn: "Horse for Sale."
Curious, he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine-looking stallion.

"Hello, friend. I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale."

Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but he manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."

"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer. "Why, he's a fine horse! Why-ever would you sell him?"

"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "he no looka so good anymore."

The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall. "That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer.

He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse, you ol' cheat, and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.

"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer. "I say, 'He no looka so good anymore!'"



A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


Hiccups Cure

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

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A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA

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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Column - - Fight Firewalls With Kindle [] "My humorist pal Rose Valenta recently created a Kindle version of her blog and inspired me to do the same. Why? Because many employers are getting strict about web access, blocking employees from reading their favorite blogs and sites ..."

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance _ 234_7371 (24 Hour)
Jail _ 234_5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control _ 800_222_1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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Interested in getting in touch with the Banner_News through e_mail? For the editor, For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events. []
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

P. S. If you'd like to be added to the distribution, just drop us E_mail at
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Remember McClellan's Rules

1. Rejoice in that this is the will of the Lord concerning you.
If that doesn't seem to be working, remember;
2. All things work together for the good of them who love the Lord.
If that doesn't seem to be working, remember;
3. All things are subject to change.
And finally;
4. Don't let the son of a guns get you down!
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