v1.jpg)
Annette has moved this display from the backdoor to the frontyard to the edge of our tiny front porch. We may have to expand the porch footprint so she has room for her porch displays. She filled up a 4' x 12' porch each holiday and or season in our former home.
Reverend Marvin Gorman’s jet at Magnolia Airport (he was at Life Church.)
Annette’s latest Hibiscus Bloom. They just keep getting bigger and bigger.
In Columbia County, we store our Forestry Service Fire Plows at the Magnolia Airport. This enables the Forestry folks to be able to land their plane after spotting the fire, get in the trucks and respond to plow around the fire.
Annette had my Apollo Coins framed. These coins, from Apollo missions 7, 9, 11 and 15 as well as Skylab 3, were given to me by a "Taylor" cousin who worked at Cape Kennedy.
Installation of this sign was one of the last items to finish before The Mission Church's Grand Opening last Sunday.
We're proud of this new AG church in Magnolia. I had the privilege of helping them wire their sound system as folks from the new church as well as those from other churches in Magnolia and Congregations all over the ArkLaTex pitched in to build this facility. Like Jimmy said; "As long as there are more people in Walmart on Sunday morning than in any church in Magnolia, I'd say we have room for a few more churches."
Robin Hennessy posted this photo and explained; "James, ran across this Letter to Santa in the December, 1956 Banner News yesterday at the CCL - just had to share!"
Since this was published when I was five, couldn't read, and my middle name is actually spelled "Fort", I'd guess this was typed by someone at the newspaper. Though it's possible that I "typed" it with the help of one of my older cousins.
The statement is obviously mine. It reads like I would have said it and that's what I called my two grandmothers.
Hello ALL,
Sometimes, Annette likes to move faster than I do. Well … just about all the time she wants to get things done … NOW. I, on the other hand, tend to think awhile, consider the job, how I’m going to do it, what tools I’ll need, what’s on TV, can I clear another level in “Angry Birds,” do I need to recheck this book or can I get it read before it’s due back at the library, etc.
On occasion, this conflict in techniques can generate some friction, which Annette uses to light a fire underneath me.
But I’m not always at fault. There are times when it would be better to slow down and … well … wait for your place in line … so to speak.
Or, to actually wait till you have all your groceries before you get in line.
Recently, we were in Shreveport for an appointment with the best endocrinologist (sugar doctor) in the south, Dr. Donna Rushing. As usual, Dr. Rushing was exuberant in her praise for what a great job Annette is doing, maintaining control over diabetes. And the good doctor was glad that I was keeping track of my glucose levels.
Anyway …
When we got out of the Drs. Office, Annette was eager to get to SAMS and pick up some vital supplies such as Mentos and hand soap so we headed over and I dropped her off at the front door while I found a parking spot. Annette has been fighting a pinched nerve and walking very far on concrete can be pretty painful right now so she got a cart to ride in. I’ve been dealing with some heart issues that also make walking long distances difficult so I also picked up a cart at the door. We met in the bakery and she gave me my orders as to what we needed to pickup in the store and I headed out.
I’d just finished my assignment when she phoned that she was at checkout stand #18 and was tired and wanted to get our stuff and get on the road. I was instructed to meet her at #18, post haste. I only ran over two little older ladies in my mad dash to get to Annette. But I couldn’t find her.
Now lately, I’ve been having a little problem not seeing the obvious things around me. Like yesterday when Annette told me to get a jug of distilled water out of the laundry room for her. In an effort to have me actually complete the task on the first try, she told me to enter the room, look to the left, by the door and bring out the jug of water.
I spent 15 minutes diligently searching the laundry room, never finding the water. Finally Annette came to see what was holding me up and I told her I couldn’t find the water. She said “I don’t know how you could miss it? Here it is on the top shelf above the door behind the kids easy bake oven and above the folded clothes.’
So, you can understand that I don’t have confidence in my ability to see things right in front of my face (behind multiple blinds.) But I was sure I’d be able to see Annette at that checkout counter. So I continued looking around #18 when my phone rang and she told me that she’d moved to #12 as there were fewer people waiting there. So I headed off to #12.
Yep. You guessed right. I couldn’t find Annette at #12 either. But, as I circled that checker, my phone again rang and Annette told me she was WAITING at #6 where she’d gotten to the head of the line.
I burned rubber down the straightaway past checkers 11-7 to find Annette at #6. She told me to hurry on up and add my items to hers and pay out, she needed to go get a fruit smoothie.
I didn’t see how I could get to her as there were quite a few folks in line behind her, none of them looking as patient as her. So I told Annette; “I can’t get to you honey. Why don’t you just get your stuff and I’ll pay my stuff out when I get up to the checker.”
At this point, she gave me that “why are husbands so helpless?” look and simply ordered everyone in line to back up and let me in.
Have you ever felt that there were 6 or 7 folks with knives looking at you? That’s how I felt as all those folks backed up and let me in to add my stuff to Annette’s. Before I even got to the checker, Annette had disappeared down the front of the store to get her smoothie, leaving me to feel the wrath of all those folks who had been backed out of the line by the little Wife Of My Youth.
Another case of “waiting till I got there before getting in line would have been better.”
~~~~~
Our daughter Vanessa was visiting when she complained of a pain in her leg. I asked her to set down and let me look at the painful area. After examining her leg, I asked her to reach in the drawer beside her chair and get out the bag of medicines. Once she had the bag, I told her to get out the Neosporin Plus antibiotic cream and hand it to me.
At that point Vanessa asked me why I wanted the antibiotic as her pain was internal and there was no open wound.
“Oh I didn’t ask for it for you.” I replied. “I have a paper cut on my finger.”
~~~~~
Another short story: Our kids love reading as much as we do. When David was about 8 or 10, a playmate rang the doorbell one Saturday to ask if David could come out to play. Annette explained that David was at the library with his dad but should be back shortly. The little fellow was SHOCKED! He told Annette; "He's at the library on a SATURDAY!?"
~~~~~
No pair of clams in the world will ever leave a tip no matter how much money they have; they´re just two shellfish. Thanks to Chuck Jackson
~~~~~
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Tex Guinan
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators. ~ Will Rogers
~~~~~
Mike Gee asks; “James, on the question of perspective, you, me, Martha - we all grew up in the same place, went to the same school, experienced more or less the same environment. I am a very proud liberal, not "progressive" but liberal. How did we all turn out so differently??”
~
Truth be told, I was a liberal. I led SSCs first (and I think last) protest march, with the theme "Americans Kill Americans. Why?" after Kent State. Also organized the first Earth Day at SSC in 1970, Worked with the "War On Rats" program (cleaning up neighborhoods and organizing) in Washington DC that summer. Voted for George McGovern in the '72 Presidential Race. Got in a little trouble at work for wearing a "Berkly Free Speech Movement" button as a 10th anniversary recognition in '74. But by the spring of '75, I was more into the conservative camp. Though, I still espouse my own personal brand and it doesn't really fit in either party. ... What happened? ... Now, here's where I might step on some toes. ... I accepted Christ. Wait. Wait. I'm not saying you can't be liberal or a Democrat or whatever and also be a Christian. But, in my case, the more I studied and read the bible, the more I concluded that many of the "standard" liberal solutions weren't going to work to solve the problems I saw locally and nationally. We were trying to address spiritual problems by human means and it just wasn't working. Wasn't going to work, in my opinion. So, over time, I began to lean more toward a more conservative outlook. Like I said, I still haven't drunk the Kool-Aid. My beliefs are more right center than far right. For instance, I'm Pro Life and Anti Capital Punishment. A stand, which to me would seem to be rational but, in modern political terms, is a dichotomy.
~~~~~
If only we could stick to the facts. …
~
David Ashby's Article: "Income Mobility in the United States"
Mustard Seed Financial newsletter@mustardseedfinancial.com
~
Income Mobility in the United States
We’ve been hearing a lot about the rich and the poor in this country the last few years. There’s a strong pitch out there that the “rich” ought to be paying their “fair share” of taxes. The rich, in this case, are defined as those making over $250,000 per year.
I’m not sure what a “fair share” tax liability for the rich is. But to put things in perspective, the top 1 percent of households in this country currently pays almost 40 percent of personal income taxes. The top 10 percent pay 70 percent. At the other end of the spectrum, roughly half of all households in America today pay no income taxes. This distribution has changed significantly over the last 30 years or so. In 1981 when Ronald Reagan took office, the top 1 percent was paying about 18 percent of the total. And in 1981, only 20 percent of households paid no income tax. Given this shift in tax burdens, how will we know when we satisfy the “fair share” argument? No doubt you have your own opinion about that issue.
One thing often overlooked in the rich vs. poor argument is the ability of households to move up the economic ladder in the United States. The term for that is income mobility. Suppose we take all the households in the U.S, roughly 120 million of them, and divide them into five buckets. The bottom bucket contains the 20 percent of all households in the U.S. that are on the bottom of the income scale. In 2010, they averaged about $11,000 in income. The top bucket of households averaged $170,000 in income. Note that each bucket contains an equal number of households, not an equal number of people. Lower bucket households are often singles while the top bucket is dominated by married couples. In 2007, the lowest bucket of families received only 3.4 percent of all household income. The highest bucket received almost half (49.7 percent) of all income. By the way, if you look back 40 years to 1967, the bottom bucket number was 4.0 percent of all income. So that has been fairly constant.
You might assume that the same people are stuck in the bottom bucket group, i.e., if you are born poor, you are doomed to stay poor. To some extent, there is intergenerational poverty present in the U.S. I’ve certainly known people that fit that condition. But in fact, there is also considerable income mobility, movement out of the poverty level and up the economic ladder. Consider a young adult, living in an apartment, working part time and going to school. This person qualifies as a household and may well fall in the bottom bucket. But there is a good chance this person will move up the economic ladder as they complete their education and begin a career.
The University of Michigan has looked at this issue of income mobility. They tracked 50,000 people over a 17 year period, from 1975 through 1991. The findings are quite fascinating. Of the people that were in the bottom bucket in 1975, only 5 percent of them were still there in 1991. The other 95 percent had moved up the ladder. In fact, 29 percent had moved all the way to the top bucket! By definition, we will always have a bottom bucket in income. But the surprising fact is that there’s considerable turnover in that bottom bucket.
So how does a person in the bottom bucket climb the ladder? Education and time are major factors. Post secondary education gives your earnings potential a boost. And as time goes by, your income normally goes up due to increased skills or responsibility. A more interesting question is what keeps some families locked in the bottom bucket? In other words, what prevents income mobility from occurring in some families? Family background is certainly a factor. For example, if parents don’t have postsecondary or even high school, education, there is an increased chance their kids won’t get the educational tools needed to succeed. If one or more parents are substance abusers, there is evidence the kids will have the same issues.
Looking back over the last three decades, it appears there has been a significant redistribution of wealth with higher wage families picking up more of the tax burden. But there is also evidence that this is still a land of great opportunity given the considerable upward mobility in the incomes of American families. Families currently at the bottom of the income pile are not destined to stay there, at least in the United States.
Published in the Texarkana Gazette on August 19, 2012.
~~~~~
Want to save some money? How about reduce carbon emissions? You can do both and get paid for doing it. Here’s a short list of 2012 Natural Gas Water Heater rebates, available from our friendly federal government.
Type of natural gas water heater Energy Factor Rebate
Storage tank (40 gallons or more) .62 or greater EF $75
Storage tank (less than 40 gallons) .64 or greater EF $75
Tankless .80 or greater EF $500
~
http://www.centerpointenergy.com/services/naturalgas/residential/efficiencyrebatesandprograms/waterheaterrebates/AR/
~~~~~
Quotes from some of my favorite folks:
~
Barbra Daniels
I desperately need a "Hide political posts" button on facebook so I can still like all my friends after the election year is over.
~
Nancee Davis Law
Friday has entered the building but looks like rain followed it.
Important things are worth fighting for, but not everything we are fighting for is important.
I may rise but I don't shine till after coffee
~~~~~
AskBob - Geekly Update - The New iPhone 5 is Here Read more: http://askbobrankin.com/the_new_iphone_5_is_here.html#ixzz26VPpnBEv
~~~~~
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.
~
Greetings,
Much has happened since the 9/11 attacks. Last year at this time, US combat troops were fighting hard in Zhari District, Afghanistan. This is the birthplace of the Taliban. Did you know that US forces refurbished Mullah Omar's mosque there in 2011?
There was some progress for that brief period when we got almost serious about Afghanistan, but those days are over. We can all see that this war is going to end badly. Time to end the Afghanistan war and concentrate on the home front.
I am in Norway with the Norwegian Army undertaking some counter-IED training, but last year I was in Zhari District, and nearby our people were spending your money refurbishing Mullah Omar's mosque [http://www.michaelyon-online.com/one-night-in-zhari.htm].
Respectfully,
Michael Yon
Norway
~
You can sign up for Michael’s Twitter.com updates at "Michael_Yon" [http://twitter.com/Michael_Yon] (not Michael Yon).
You can sign up on his Face book [https://www.facebook.com/MichaelYonFanPage] for daily updates.
Please remember that this website accepts no advertisement and is dependent on your support.
~
www.michaelyon-online.com
~~~~~
If you would like to encourage US Troops overseas, but are not sure just how to begin, visit www.anysoldier.com for ideas.
~~~~~
Two people who are literally taking steps that will take your breath away. - -
Man Walks The Streets To Save His Wife
Larry Swilling is looking for a life-saving kidney for his wife and has found the incredible kindness of strangers. [http://darynkagan.demo.nimbussoftware.com/heroism/2012/he_120914_walks_save_wife.html]
Aimee Copeland Inspires With Recovery
I love following the story of Aimee Copeland, the amazing young woman who has lived through a horrendous battle with a flesh-eating bacteria. See her share her triumphs. [http://darynkagan.demo.nimbussoftware.com/overcoming/2012/he_120914_aimee_copeland_recovery.html]
DarynKagan.com
~~~~~
http://www.shelfari.com
http://www.shelfari.com/bugsbleat/shelf
~~~~~
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include - - Reverend Marvin Gorman’s jet [http://www.marvingorman.com/site/] at Magnolia Airport (he was at Life Church here. My poor excuse for corn bread. Annette’s latest Hibiscus Bloom [http://www.aces.edu/dept/extcomm/specialty/feb28kgard.html]. The Arkansas Forestry fire plows stored at the Magnolia Airport.
~~~~~
For the latest issue of "Da Bleat" go to http://www.bugsbleat.blogspot.com.
Our photos are posted at http://www.bugsbleatphotos.blogspot.com.
~~~~~
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
~~~~~
BreakPoint - - Front Line Work Saying and Doing
James says we should be doers of the word, not just hearers -- that applies to our behavior, but also our work in shaping culture.
John Stonestreet
Last night I spoke at a fundraising banquet for a Northern Virginia Crisis Pregnancy Center. I’m privileged to speak at a few of these events each year, and it’s a highlight for me. Here’s why: How often can Christians celebrate real cultural wins?
Now, abortion is still legal. And as we’ve discussed many times here on BreakPoint, the HHS Mandate is forcing coverage of it on everyone (not to mention putting religious liberty at risk). But the fact remains that in most places in America not named the Democratic National Convention, abortion is actually unpopular. According to most studies, it’s even more unpopular among younger generations than among older.
There’s no doubt that pro-life apologetics, like that of my friend Scott Klusendorf of Pro-Life Training, is one reason for that. But cultural change requires more than just ideas. Cultural change also requires artifacts and champions. Let me explain.
When abortion on demand was legalized by one very terrible Supreme Court decision, pro-abortion arguments barely mentioned scientific definitions of human life. Rather, the arguments were if abortion is not legal, no one would step up to take care of women caught in unplanned pregnancies. They would be forced to have unsafe, back-alley abortions. Also, the babies born would not be wanted, so they would be subjected to abuse, poverty, or neglect.
While it is now well-known that the numbers claimed for back-alley abortions were inflated, the answer to these arguments wasn’t counter arguments, but actions. You see, the question was: Who’s going to take care of these women and these babies? Are you going to take care of them?
Over the last several decades, thousands of people, mostly Christian women, answered, “Yes, we will.” And they have. In nearly every town in America, women have a place to go when they find themselves in a crisis pregnancy. If they need a shoulder, a car seat, or diapers, they can get them. If they need an ultrasound, advice, a Bible, or a support system, they can find them.
Pro-life women, a group of champions, created safe places. And these places are tangible cultural artifacts that embody the ideas of the pro-life movement. Now there’s lots more work to be done. These centers must continue to be excellent, honest, careful, and the advice they offer must be sound, thoughtful, and loving. If they do, their contribution to changing this culture of death will be huge.
In his excellent book “Culture Matters,” my friend T. M. Moore describes this as “forging new culture.” Historically, Christians have always done more than merely critique or complain about the culture; they created culture. Using things like books, institutions, laws, medicine, or inventions they embedded better ideas into the society around them. And, like the Crisis Pregnancy Center movement, they often did it courageously, in the face of great opposition.
Over the last four weeks in my YouTube series on culture, I’ve discussed using culture courageously in quick, 2- to 3-minute teaching videos. You can find this “Two-Minute Warning” series by going to BreakPoint.org and clicking on this commentary. Send it to your pastor, post it on Facebook, or use it in your small groups or at the family dinner table as discussion fodder.
Chuck Colson thought that applied Christianity had the best solutions for the world’s brokenness, specifically for the growing prison population. And when Eric Metaxas talked about Chuck’s idea of restorative justice recently on BreakPoint, he really struck a nerve with our listeners. This weekend on BreakPoint this Week, I sit down with Jim Liske, CEO of Prison Fellowship, and we talk about this idea of restorative justice. I hope you’ll be listening.
And remember, when it comes to culture, we’ve not only things to say, but things to do.
Further Reading and Information
Culture Matters [http://www.colsoncenterstore.org/product.asp?sku=1587431874]
T. M. Moore | Brazos Press | September 2007
Cultivating Cultural Courage [http://www.colsoncenter.org/twominutewarning/entry/33/20261]
John Stonestreet | "Two-Minute Warning" | ColsonCenter.org | September 12, 2012
BreakPoint This Week [http://www.breakpoint.org/features-columns/discourse/entry/15/20304]
John Stonestreet | BreakPoint.org
[http://www.breakpoint.org/bpcommentaries]
Copyright © 2012 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved
~~~~~
Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:
~
Senator John Boozman (R_ AR)
1 Russell Courtyard
Washington DC, 20510
Phone: 202-224-4843
http://boozman.senate.gov/
~
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
http://pryor.senate.gov/
~
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314
http://ross.house.gov/
Other states congresspersons can be found at: [http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/]
~~~~~
"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." - E.E. Cummings
"Catching people doing things right is a powerful management concept. " - Ken Blanchard
"Nulla dies umquam memori vos eximet aevo. No day shall erase you from the memory of time." - Quote by Virgil at the National September 11 Memorial and Museum
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
"One cool judgment is worth a dozen hasty councils. The thing to do is to supply light and not heat." - Woodrow Wilson
"The trust of the people in the leaders reflects the confidence of the leaders in the people." - Paulo Freire
~~~~~
BREAKING CHRISTIAN NEWS
http://breakingchristiannews.com/
Israel Grieves with America - - Teresa Neumann (Sep 14, 2012)
"If there's any people in the world that understands what Americans are going through, it's the people of Israel." -Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
PM Netanyahu(Israel)—In response to the murders of the American Ambassador in Libya and three consulate workers in Benghazi, Israel's prime minister has issued a statement of condolences to the U.S.
"If there's any people in the world that understands what Americans are going through, what they went through on 9/11, it's the people of Israel who've been standing at the forefront of the battle against terrorism, who've lost loved ones and who deeply, deeply sympathize with the people of America at this time," he said.
His statement of support came on the heels of being denied a meeting at the White House during the UN General Assembly Gathering in New York.
Source: Gil Rosen – Israel National News [http://www.israelnationalnews.com/News/News.aspx/159914#.UFC_tmt5mSM]
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
GCF: Water Beds
If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
-----------------------------------------------------
Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me,
"Can you deliver it filled with water?"
Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!"
After a short pause, he said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?"
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Signs You Might Be From New York City
You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.
You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.
You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.
You know what a "regular" coffee is.
It's not Manhattan...... It's the "city".
There is no north and south. It's "uptown" or "downtown." If you're really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where north and south are.... And east or west is "crosstown."
You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting your right to do it.
You move 3,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you're from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.
You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a "real" pizza and a "real" bagel.
A 500 square foot apartment is large.
You know the differences between all the different Ray's pizzas.
You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would
be able to actually understand a P.A. Announcement on the subway.
You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.
You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the major food groups which are: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.
You're not the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.
Your internal clock is permanently set to know when alternate side of the street parking regulations are in effect.
Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.
You pay "only" $230 a month to park your car.
The presidential visit is a major traffic jam, not an honor.
You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.
The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it's a beer.
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Nothing Personal
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer.
"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Hot Day
It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.
One man, popping his head out of his cubicle, said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."
A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not
wearing any."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Tofu Recipes
A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health food store and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly what she did with the tofu in her basket.
She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks at it for several weeks and then throws it away.
The man replied, "That's exactly what my wife does with it. I was hoping you had a better recipe."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Webster
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And what's that supposed to mean?"
Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Hospital Visit
In the admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling out forms,
others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms.
An elderly woman hesitantly entered my cubicle. She had completed her admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards.
I typed the necessary information and then asked her the reason for her coming to the hospital.
"Just to visit a friend," she said, "but this had taken so long, I'm not sure I have time now."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Interpretation
Son to Mother: Aw c'mon, Mom. Don't be mad at me. I never said my room was clean. What I said was, "I'm done cleaning my room."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Similar Symptoms
Several months ago, my daughter and I had similar flu-like symptoms. She decided to consult a doctor so as not to lose any more time from her job.
I said, "Good. You see the doctor, then tell me what's wrong with both of us."
The next day she called to say, "Guess what, Mom! We're pregnant!" _ ________________________________ _
GCF: Celebrate
My mom called her friend May on her 100th birthday.
"How are you going to celebrate? she asked.
"My children are coming for the weekend," May said happily.
"You must be looking forward to that," Mom said.
"Yes," May replied, "but it's a lot of work, washing the floors and making up their beds."
"Why don't you wait and have the children do it?" Mom suggested.
"Oh, no, I couldn't do that," May countered. "They're in their 80s!"
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: How to Train a Cat
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Junk Science
A student won first prize at the local high school science fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO)."
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. sometimes called hydric acid, it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion and to the "greenhouse effect"
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills thousands every year.
8. prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage
Despite the danger, DHMO is often used:
1. as an industrial solvent and coolant
2. in nuclear power plants
3. in the production of styrofoam
4. as a fire retardant
5. in many forms of animal research
6. in the distribution of pesticides
7. as an additive in "junk-foods" and other food products
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
He feels the conclusion is obvious.
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Diagnosis
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" _ ________________________________ _
GCF: Bus Fare
Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"
"Sixty cents," said the driver.
The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?"
"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Wine Connoisseur?
When it comes to wine I'm very particular about what I buy. There are two things I look for before making my selection.
First, the word "Wine" must appear somewhere on the label. This is something upon which I insist.
Second, I look for a sign nearby that says "On Sale."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Need a Lift? (version 2)
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "These folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Need a Lift?
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.
The portiere (doorman) looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.
"You must mean the lift," he said.
"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."
"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".
"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."
"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language".
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: How the Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people: one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people: one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year and we are $38,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Preparation for Parenthood
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Counting in Church
Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my youngest son asked me what the highest number I had ever counted up to was.
I told him I didn't know. Then I asked him how high he has counted.
"5,372," came the prompt reply.
"Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?"
"The sermon was over."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Hashing It Out
I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order of hash browns, insisting they were cold. I replaced them several times, but still the customers were dissatisfied.
When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my second job. A server immediately handed me my first order.
"Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Accepting Authority
A woman in our office was promoted to supervisor and some of the older male workers were having difficulty accepting her authority.
While she instructed one such subordinate, he interrupted with, "Young lady, I'm old enough to be your father."
"And," she replied, "I'm old enough to be your supervisor."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Fore!
My 5-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game. "You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?"
"Five." answered the nephew.
"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: The Horn
One day, a man was driving with his four-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, daddy."
He replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Fancy Restaurant
We were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, "I'll have the 24."
"Uh, Jim," I whispered, "that's the price, not the meal number."
"Oh," he said. "In that case give me the 12."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: The Wedding Dress
Groom-to-be to his fiancée: "$6,800 for a dress that's only going to be worn ONCE? What's up with THAT?!"
"Who says it's only going to be worn once?"
"Oh? You're planning to get married again? Gee, thanks."
"That's not what I meant."
"You know you can't wear white the second time, anyway."
"No, but I do hope to have a daughter. She'll wear it on her wedding day. And she'll have a daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom."
"I'll bet your mother never bought such an extravagant dress."
"Oh yeah? Well, she did too, smarty!"
"Then why don't you wear hers?"
"Who wants to get married in THAT old thing?"
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Cactus Watering
During a tour at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, a New York City woman mentioned that she was raising a type of cactus in a pot on her apartment balcony.
Another tourist asked her how she kept from watering it too much, because the cactus would die if over watered.
"I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper," replied the New Yorker. "Every time I read that it rained in the desert, I give my plant some water."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Health Club Hours
The first day at my new health club I asked the person at the front desk, "I like to exercise after work. What are your hours?"
"Our club is open 24/7," was the helpful response, "Monday through Saturday."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Clarity
A "Life and Career" coach met with a prospective client one morning and asked the client what he wanted to get out of their sessions.
"Clarity," the client said very firmly.
"And on what issues are you looking for clarity?" the coach asked.
"Well," he said in a less confident tone, "I'm not sure."
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Non-Plumber's Helper
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture. That's no small feat for a non-plumber.
Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.
I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom.
I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.
"Did you get the green one, too"? he asked.
_ ________________________________ _
GCF: Will it be Long?
When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded.
I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book.
I asked again, "How much of a wait?"
The woman looked up from her book and said, "About ten minutes."
A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is now ready."
_ ________________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \/ | tellswor@kcbx.net | \ \ _( (_ | http://www.kcbx.net/~tellswor | _) )_
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Terrible Company Policy
Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days - We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days - Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave - This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use - Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break - Skinny people get thirty minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get fifteen minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get five minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
(_:][:_)
On Friends and Countrymen
Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal
immigration. "I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants," commented one of my colleagues.
"That can't be true," another said.
"No," agreed a Native American co-worker. "There's a lot more of you than that."
(_:][:_)
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.
A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, "That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle."
Blank stares.
"Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton."
An eight-year-old girl perked up. "How long was he missing?"
(_:][:_)
Navy Serviceman
It seems that a young man volunteered for Navy service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola, skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola, he soloed and was the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down six Japanese zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found nine more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier, and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out, and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
(_:][:_)
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition,
eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plate with bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
(_:][:_)
Thomas, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with an absolutely gorgeous and breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old brunette. She is hanging on to his arm and listening intently to his every word.
His usual golf-playing partners and fellow members of the club are baffled and shocked. At their very first chance, they come to him and ask, "Thomas, how did you get the amazing trophy girlfriend?"
Thomas replies, "Girlfriend? She's not my girlfriend --
she's my wife."
Disbelieving him, they ask, "So how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age," he replies.
"What? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Thomas smiles and says, "Nope, I told her I was 90."
(_:][:_)
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question that everyone should answer with no trouble. If there is hesitation, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
(_:][:_)
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And, he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So, he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him. To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But, you're an expert. Andy, I really need your help," said the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
(_:][:_)
In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3:00 one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call about a car that was off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver woke up when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into "drive" and hit the gas.
The car's speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40, and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver totally freaked out, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 30 seconds, and then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!"
The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.
Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?
(_:][:_)
Barb's granddaughter was in kindergarten. There was a boy in her class that wasn't listening to the teacher.
The teacher said to him, "Since you don't want to listen, you sit at that table by yourself."
After a few minutes, Barb's granddaughter raised her hand and said, "I don't want to listen either. Can I sit with him?"
(_:][:_)
A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking with him. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has really gone south when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what the heck are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
(_:][:_)
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the little girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's tail.
"Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
(_:][:_)
Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. "I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants," commented one of my colleagues.
"That can't be true," another said.
"No," agreed a Native American co-worker. "There's a lot more of you than that."
(_:][:_)
Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. "I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants," commented one of my colleagues.
"That can't be true," another said.
"No," agreed a Native American co-worker. "There's a lot more of you than that."
(_:][:_)
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug, and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her, and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago. It had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her, and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
(_:][:_)
Employment Form
My sense of humor always gets me into trouble, but I just can't help it.
Applying for a job one time, the employment form clearly said: "Age of Father, if living" and the same query for my Mother.
I put down the figures 119 and 117 in the spaces provided, and the interviewer asked if my parents were truly that old.
I replied, "No, but they would be if they were still living."
(_:][:_)
Three men were sitting in a bar lying about how under their thumb they had their wives.
The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.
They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so under my thumb that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."
Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.
The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, 'Come out and fight like a man!'"
(_:][:_)
A young child was having a physical examination before entering school.
The doctor asked him, "Have you ever had any trouble with your ears and nose?"
"Sure," answered the boy. "They always get in my way when I'm taking off my T-shirt."
(_:][:_)
My friend's wife returned from a tour of duty in the Middle East. To celebrate, he decided to take her out for a night on the town. Proud of her service record, he suggested she wear her uniform.
Not only did a patriotic taxi driver refuse to accept money from them, but an appreciative citizen paid for her meal at the restaurant, and the theater manager upgraded their balcony seats to the orchestra.
At the end of the evening, my friend turned to his wife. "I still get credit for taking you out, right?"
(_:][:_)
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
(_:][:_)
A middle-aged man wasn't feeling well, so he went to the doctor for a check-up. After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."
The man said, "Well, to be honest with you, Doc, I don't deserve the best. What's the second best?"
(_:][:_)
On my birthday I was cutting the lawn when my teenage son came home from a baseball game. Seeing me behind the mower, he exclaimed, "Oh, Dad, you shouldn't have to mow the lawn on your birthday." Touched, I was about to turn the mower
over to him when he added, "You should wait until tomorrow!"
(_:][:_)
Things Dad Will Never Say
10. Well, how about that! I'm lost. Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know, Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain negative attitude. I like that!
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. Go crazy!
6. What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies. You know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now, quit your belly aching and let's go to the mall.
2. What do you want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? Ah, don't worry about that. It's no big deal!
(_:][:_)
It's Good to Be a Man!
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's too "yucky."
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5,000; tux rental $100.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars and bottles.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
You underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your house if the maid is coming.
You don't mooch off other's desserts; you order your own.
You don't split small salad orders with your buddies – you often order two salads.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyles last for years - no, make that decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes equals one color for ALL seasons.
You can "do" your nails with your pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
It's good to be a MAN ... and don't you forget it!
(_:][:_)
A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."
"Well you're in luck," said the farmer. "As it happens, there's a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. In fact, my name is Murphy."
"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret code: "The sun is shining ... the grass is growing ... the cows are ready for milking."
"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy. He's in the village over the other direction."
(_:][:_)
A pastor and his family (including two children) were invited to attend a cousin's high school graduation. He thought he'd prepare the kids, knowing how fidgety they can get.
"Graduations are sometimes long, boring events," he said. "I want you guys to behave and not ask constantly when it's going to be over."
"Don't worry, Dad. We'll live," the daughter replied. "We last through all your sermons, don't we?"
(_:][:_)
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old. -Ed Howe
(_:][:_)
We recently had a guest speaker at our church. He is from India, part of an organization that our church supports.
Before he started his sermon, he asked if anyone had called any customer support numbers recently. When several people in the congregation raised their hands, he said, "That's good. That means you won't have too much trouble understanding my accent."
(_:][:_)
One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.
Sure enough, we had only gone a short way up the Hoh Rain Forest road when we saw a sign that read, "Ice: 10 Miles." Five miles farther on, there was another sign that said, "Ice: 5 Miles." The next one read, "Ice: 1/2 Mile."
We practically crept that half-mile. We finally came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery store and it said, "Ice: 75 Cents."
(_:][:_)
One newlywed couple was planning to visit Hawaii. "It's pronounced Havaii," said the husband.
"No, it's Hawaii," argued the wife.
They argued about it the whole flight until they deplaned in Oahu. The husband approached a man at the gate and asked, "Can you settle an argument for us? Is this Hawaii or Havaii?"
"This is Havaii," the man said.
"Ha!" said the husband to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you I'm always right?" The husband turned back to the man, shook his hand, and said, "Thank you."
"You're velcome."
(_:][:_)
A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't just want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please? That's a very unusual request."
Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"
She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber -- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals today. Her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he's going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."
The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."
She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor tells me nothing!"
(_:][:_)
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount.
As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your
account overdrawn in excess of $5000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
(_:][:_)
* I much prefer being over the hill to being under it.
~Bruce Lansky
* At my age I don't care if my mind starts to wander - just as long as it comes back again. ~Mike Knowles
* Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. ~Glenn Dorenbush
* When you can finally afford the rings you want, you'd rather no one noticed your hands. ~Lois Muehl
* A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. ~Henny Youngman Rate, print or email this funny at http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20120831
http://GCFL.net - The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) Facebook: http://facebook.com/gcfl.net Twitter: http://twitter.com/gcfl Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Column - - Congratulations to Bill Klein who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:
A farm wife was peeved at her mate
And his personal hygiene of late.
The stench so extended,
The pigs were offended
And threatened to move out of state.
Congratulations to Jim Delaney who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
A woman was peeved at her mate,
So she packed all his stuff in a crate
In the dark before dawn,
Set it out on the lawn,
And abandoned it all to its fate.
http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/
© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
http://www.madkane.com/
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance _ 234_7371 (24 Hour)
Jail _ 234_5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control _ 800_222_1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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Interested in getting in touch with the Banner_News through e_mail?
E_mail addresses for communicating with the newspaper’s various departments are:
editor@bannernews.net For the editor, news@bannernews.net For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events.
advertising@bannernews. net For retail and classified advertising.
circulation@bannernews. net To start, stop or cancel newspaper delivery or for comments about delivery.
outfitters @bannernews.net For Office Outfitters, the office supply division of the Banner_News.
[http://www.bannernews.net/]
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
~~~~~
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII
P. S. If you'd like to be added to the distribution, just drop us E_mail at kc5hii@suddenlink.net
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