Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Raccoons

 

You have to unload the trucks to build a tent city or "BoO"

 

And most of the labor was manual.

 

You have to train to get these tents up on time.

 

But, with everyone working togeather, it gets done.

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Raccoons

 

"Bug" at the end of the drill.

 

Cathy and Kathie often worked into the evening helping everyone do their paperwork.

 

The last afternoon, we all met to "debrief."

 

No one can say that we left a mess at Disaster City.

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Raccoons

 

"LJ" Adjusts to the heat.

 

Ricky Shepherd and Steve Savoy enjoy the AC in the "Rehab" tent (after I made them quit work for 15 minutes.)

 

The three musketeers?

 

The temperature and tempers can rise.

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Raccoons

Volume 11, Issue 28 Friday, July 10, 2009

Hello All,

I've been in College Station, TX working for Health and Human Services in a "Swine Flu" response drill. We had National Disaster Medical Teams from Alaska, Ohio, Maryland, Oklahoma, Iowa, Texas, California, Nevada, Arkansas and others as well as a large contingent of National veterinary Disaster Team members, all working together to be prepared to respond to a Pandemic.

Disaster Medical Teams can respond to an area within 12 hours of being activated and are self sufficient for 72 hours to 14 days. Our own Arkansas AR-1 team has worked the World Trade Center, the Superdome after Katerina (as well as many other hurricanes), the Olympics, National Political Conventions, etc.

Our teams set up a Base of Operations to treat patients, then we conducted multiple drills June 30th and handled the surge of patients as well as their pets and service animals.

I was pleased to be able to work with these fine folks in the hottest weather we'd ever deployed in. A&M said we set a record for water and ice usage.
~~~~~
The Arkansas Lottery is growing bigger every day. Not the winnings, the bureaucracy. Off the bat, the state is committed to about 1 million $$ in salaries to the director and his assistants. Now I hear that it won’t just be a lottery but the law also provides for other “games of chance” to be set up in convenience stores and other venues.

"Everybody doesn't agree, but at the end of the day it's going to make it possible for a lot of Arkansans to attend school that wouldn't otherwise have had the opportunity, and that's going to start in the fall of 2010 with the first scholarships," Arkansas Lottery Commissioner Joe White of Conway said.

To hear another opinion, we read last Monday’s editorial in “The Leader” [www.thearkansasleader.com] They explained; “... The Arkansas lottery will expand the legal options to gamble far beyond what we suspect most voters expected. Only two years ago, Arkansas ranked among the two or three states where gambling was most scarce. In another two years, it will be among the states where it is most plentiful. ... It turns out that Ernie Passailaigue, who was the director of the South Carolina lottery, had privately helped the Arkansas team draft the Arkansas law. He chafed at the restrictions that the conservative South Carolina legislature put on the lottery there. ... you can be sure that eventually it will authorize every game that the law can be construed to permit. That is the history of lotteries. When lottery participation and revenues sag, the lottery will seek more glamorous games to keep the money coming in. . . . Passailaigue also would like to give Arkansans a chance to play Texas Hold ’Em, a form of poker on the web. He foresees the day soon when people can sit in front of monitors in a restaurant or a bar anywhere in Arkansas, little casinos every one, and bet on the numbers every five minutes. Isn’t that what everyone in Arkansas wanted?
Progress on every front.”
http://www.arkansasleader.com/2009/06/editorial-what-lottery-really-means.html
~~~~~
Our Classmate, Tom Broom shared this with us. I agree with him wholeheartedly.
~
Please watch the YouTube link in the email below. If the ACLU wins this one the next to go will be the Crosses and Stars of David on every serviceman's grave in every public cemetery.
...
We should do everything we can to prevent this memorial from being torn down.

ACLU insanity every AMERICAN should see this video. You Tube- Veterans' Fight to Keep 75- yr. old Mojave Desert Memorial Cross. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeuBB_mOFIA]

The only way to truly defeat the ACLU is to get a "loser pays" law in place to stop these types of lawsuits AND the only way to get a "loser pays" law in place is to vote out the current crop of sorry politicians (especially the lawyer politicians) -- from the local to national level lets vote them all out.

On a related point -- we have given our local politicians a pass far too long. They are part of the problem because they are part of the national party that is doing so much harm to this country -- especially the Democrat Party. I am hopeful the Republicans have learned their lesson and will help turn things around but I am watching them closely 'cause I am not sure there are enough freedom loving, God fearing Republicans left to make a difference.

Please forward this link to others. Especially to those that may not be politically active. Let's get them engaged and pointed in the right way or we are going to lose our country. Tom

PS: Remember God have us a participatory type of government hear in this great United States. We, the participants, have been and are allowing this to slip away. Please before it is to late let’s do our part to turn it around.
~
P.S. I believe in the basic premises of the ACLU. However, they have obviously reached their Peter Principal point and have become an organization of persecution instead of a defender of the persecuted.
~~~~~
Cap-and-Trade: All Cost, No Benefit - - The “Energy” bill currently before the senate would supposedly help reduce greenhouse emissions and reduce global warming. In reality, the best estimates of its impact are that emissions would only decrease 4% while the US economy would be devastated.
We’re in a worldwide economic crisis. About half a million US citizens are losing jobs each month. And we haven’t seen the hard bottom yet.
Is this the time to further discourage business and raise costs for industry and the consumers?
If we want to improve the environment, do it through tax incentives that reward individuals and companies that make improvements. A fraction of the “stimulus” bill could pay for that and it would have an actual positive benefit on the economy and the environment.
Instead congress has removed the incentives to improve our personal and corporate “greenhouse footprint” while at the same time raising taxes on all Americans.
If Cap-and-Trade passes, I’ll be one of those folks out of a job, so this is personal. At the same time, I’d really like to see some actual improvement in our energy and environmental policies. But not at the cost of this bill. It might just be the action that finishes driving our economy into the “dark ages.”
~
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/31/AR2009053102077.html
~
Having promised to pass a comprehensive climate bill this year, Senate Democrats are now looking for consensus on what they need to do to win 60 votes for passage. Sen. Sherrod Brown, D-Ohio, says the bill has to protect manufacturing in the Midwest. The New York Times/ClimateWire (7/8) [http://www.nytimes.com/cwire/2009/07/08/08climatewire-senate-democrats-begin-drawing-road-map-to-6-58899.html]
~~~~~
Don’t forget to use GoodSearch [http://www.goodsearch.com/] when you search the Internet!
~~~~~
DarynKagan.com - - Today's news is dedicated to all the folks who make this a better world for kids. Buy Great Shoes; Save A Kid's Life Jeremy Courtney is living quite an unusual life. He and his wife are raising their young family in northern Iraq. They've discovered there's a large number of Iraqi children who need heart surgery, but there's no medical resources there to treat them. Leave it to the Courtneys to make a special kind of shoe work for these kids. [http://darynkagan.demo.nimbussoftware.com/world/stories/jw_090629_buyshoessavelives.html]
~~~~~
America is not at war. The military is at war. - - America is at the mall, or watching the movie stars.
~~~~~
Each week the Defense Department highlights military personnel who have gone above and beyond in the war. [http://www.defenselink.mil/heroes/] - - Aaron Davis - - •Hometown: Kilgore, TX - - •Awarded: The Silver Star - - When Army Specialist Aaron Davis found out he was receiving the Silver Star for his outstanding bravery on the battlefield, he tried to turn it down.

“I felt like I didn’t want all the attention because I didn’t do anything for attention,” said Davis.

Davis, who was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 503rd Infantry, 173 Airborne Brigade Combat Team, was serving as an infantryman during his deployment in Afghanistan.

On July 13, 2008, Davis and his unit were attacked by 200 or more Taliban fighters while they were patrolling an area. During the ensuing firefight, Davis was hit with shrapnel to his right leg from a rock-propelled grenade.

Although injured, Davis remained focused on the battlefield and provided critical assistance to three severely injured soldiers until the arrival of a medical evacuation team.

“I wanted to help those who had more severe injuries than I did,” said Davis.

When he returned from the evacuation helicopter, Davis was hit again. This time, the shrapnel impacted his body, arms and face.

“Blood was everywhere, I couldn’t see, I was hurting everywhere. I didn’t want to leave the premises or leave my comrades, but this time I had no choice,” Davis continued.

After his second injury, Davis was evacuated from the battlefield for treatment and was soon transferred to a hospital in Germany. Davis went on to receive more treatment in Washington, D.C., followed by further rehabilitation in San Antonio, Texas.

“Although it is hard to think about what happened in the battlefield, I am glad I was there to help my comrades,” said Davis.

For his heroic actions, commitment to his fellow soldiers and unflinching bravery under fire, Davis was recently awarded the Silver Star and the Purple Heart by Brig. Gen. James Gilman, Commander, Great Plains Regional Medical Command and Brooke Army Medical Center.

Davlyn Davis, mother of Davis, emphasized the ceremony was not only about her son but also for the ones that didn’t make it.

“They are the true heroes; I’m proud to be a mom of a Soldier. Everyone involved in this journey took extraordinary measures to ensure my son and my family was in good hands,” added Mrs. Davis.

Davis has continued to receive treatment, but has lost about 50 percent of his vision in his right eye. He hopes that when he makes full recovery he can return to be a squad leader with the Warrior Transition Unit.

Undeterred by his injuries, Davis has also been studying for a promotion to sergeant and will soon go before a promotion board.
~~~~~
Bug recommends . . . Kit Lange [http://www.thenextright.com/blog/200]
~~~~~
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.
~
Greetings,

When I hit the ground in Afghanistan in 2006, it was flatly obvious that we were losing the war. The prevailing thoughts in the media and Washington held that we were winning in Afghanistan but Iraq was hopeless. I was saying nearly the opposite during many dozens of interviews and articles.

And so amid torrents scathing criticism, during 2006, I wrote a series of one dozen dispatches saying in the clearest terms that we were losing the war in Afghanistan. I have been warning for a long time that this war shows every sign that it will overshadow anything we saw in Iraq when it comes to danger to our troops.

The warnings are over. Here we are. There is little doubt that the Afghanistan war, at least on a per capita basis, will become far more deadly for our troops than even the darkest days in Iraq. People still scoff when I say these things, but they do not see clearly. This is a "no kidding" war. Don't be fooled by the slow buildup. The dark potential of AfPak is enormous.

Please read today's dispatch, which I published in the Washington Times [http://www.michaelyon-online.com/girl-with-no-future.htm].

And please support this mission.

Very Respectfully,
Your correspondent,
Michael Yon

Http://www.michaelyon-online.com/index.php
~~~~~
We’ve Watched [Ratings are my own]:
New In Town 2009 [5.5]
The Last of Sheila 1973 [7.3]
Emma: 1996 [6.8]
March of the Wooden Soldiers 1934 [7.5] Stan Laurel ... Oliver Hardy
~~~~~
We’ve recently read;
Spider Mountain : P.T. Deutermann.
Terminal freeze : Lincoln Child.
Plague ship : a novel of the Oregon files: by Clive Cussler ; with Jack Du Brul.
We recommend: Heart of the game : life, death, and mercy in Minor League America / S.L. Price.
~~~~~
http://www.shelfari.com
http://www.shelfari.com/bugsbleat/shelf
~~~~~
Recipe(s) of the week - - Chicken and Cranberry Salad Source: Food Stamp Nutrition Connection
Chicken cubes with a light vinaigrette dressing and tart cranberries. Prep Time: 15 minutes - - Difficulty: Easy

Makes 4 servings

Amount Per Serving
Calories 371.3
Total Carbs 28g
Dietary Fiber 2.1g
Sugars 22.1g
Total Fat 14.2g
Saturated Fat 1.8g
Unsaturated Fat 12.4g
Potassium 272.8mg
Protein 33g
Sodium 535.9mg

Dietary Exchanges
2 1/4 Fat, 1 ½ Fruit, 1 1/4 Meat, 4 ½ Very Lean Meat

Ingredients
12 oz cooked chicken breast, diced
½ cup red wine vinaigrette
1 cup dried cranberries (or cherries)
2 tbsp sliced almonds
1 Lettuce, butterhead, head, fresh, 5" , chopped (or other lettuce variety)

Directions
1 Toss chicken, cranberries, and almonds with dressing.
2 Serve on a mound of chopped lettuce.
http://www.dlife.com/diabetes/diabetic-recipes/Chicken-and-Cranberry-Salad/r855.html
~~~~~
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include our friend Jim Wanser - Nevada 1 DMAT Safety Officer, Bug working safety at this week’s Field Training Exercise. And AR-1 DMAT members Debbie Nash, Ricky Shepherd, Aaron Gardner and Lesley Phillips-Reed.
~~~~~
We’ve now got several addresses on the web for "Da Bleat." For the latest issue, go to http://www.bugsbleat.blogspot.com. Last quarter’s issues can be seen at http://www.bugsbleat1q09.blogspot.com.
Our photos are posted at http://www.bugsbleatphotos.blogspot.com.
If you want to see photos of Last April’s train wreck in Magnolia, go to http://www.bugsbleattw.blogspot.com/
~~~~~
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
~~~~~
Dr. Pat Antoon’s Address:
Pat Antoon 06669-010
Federal Prison Camp
P.O. Box 9300
Texarkana, TX 75505
Be sure and keep him in your prayers.
~~~~~
BreakPoint
Hackles and Hacks
Religious Freedom and the Media
By Chuck Colson: July 10, 2009

When the world’s largest democracy refuses to allow a commission on religious freedom to visit its shores, that should be news. So why haven’t you heard about it?

In 1998, Congress created the United States Commission on International Religious Freedom. Its mandate was to “monitor the status of freedom of thought, conscience, and religion or belief abroad.”

Part of this monitoring involves visits to the countries where violations of religious freedom are alleged to have occurred.

That’s why the Commission planned to visit India in response to reports about the killing of Christians in the Indian state of Orissa. The killings were part of a larger campaign of violence and intimidation that has left 100 people dead and thousands of Christians homeless.

As the word “planned” suggests, the Commission never traveled to India. The Indian government never issued the required visas and hasn’t explained why. This gives India the dubious distinction of being the only democracy to have refused a visit by the Commission.

While there has been no official explanation, the reasons for the refusal are well known, at least in India. Hindu nationalists had demanded that the Commission not be allowed to visit India. One leader called the Commission an “intrusive mechanism . . . interfering with the internal affairs of India.”

One government official told the Times of India that the visit “would have raised hackles in India.”

Fear of raised hackles is unworthy of a country that takes pride in being the world’s largest democracy. Respecting human rights, after all, requires raising the hackles of those violating those rights.

The most shameful performance, however, wasn’t the Indian government’s but, instead, the American media’s. Terry Mattingly of the Washington Journalism Center noted that “all of the coverage” of what he calls this “amazing, even stunning news” is “on the other side of the world.”

As if to emphasize this point, the details quoted in this commentary and Mattingly’s blog post are from Baptist Press. If Christians were not following the story, few if any Americans would know that their government was snubbed on a matter of religious freedom and human rights by an ally.

It is difficult to imagine a clearer example of what Mattingly calls the “blind spot” of the media when it comes to religion. In the recent book of the same name, Mattingly and other writers show how this “blind spot” causes the media to get important stories wrong or, in cases like this one, miss the story altogether.

In a profession where “diversity” borders on an obsession, religion is the exception. People who “identify with the lives of believers” and “treat religion with respect” and, when warranted, skepticism, are rare in our newsrooms. In the absence of such people, religion is often viewed through the lens of politics, which does a disservice to both the subject of the stories and to the readers.

That’s why stories about “human-rights issues linked to religion” are ignored by the media—and why they wind up in what Mattingly calls that strange nowhere land called “conservative news.”

And whether the media’s ignorance of religion is willful or not, it remains ignorance. And that should raise all our hackles, as should India’s intransigence.

Further Reading and Information

Terry Mattingly, “Got News? Religious Freedom and India,” GetReligion, 3 July 2009.

“India Blocks Religious Watchdog Group,” Baptist Press, 2 July 2009.

Paul Marshal et al., Blind Spot: When Journalists Don't Get Religion.

Copyright © 2009 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved - - http://www.breakpoint.org/
~
Residents of Columbia CountyArkansas are represented in Congress by:
Senator Blanche Lambert Lincoln (D- AR)
Phone 202-224-4843
FAX 202-228-1371
http://lincoln.senate.gov/contact/email.cfm
~
Senator Mark Pryor (D- AR)
Phone 202-224-2353
FAX 202-228-0908
http://pryor.senate.gov/contact/
~
Representative Michael A. Ross (D - 04)
Phone 202-225-3772
FAX 202-225-1314
http://ross.house.gov/?sectionid=77§iontree=7677
Other states congresspersons can be found at: [http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/]
~~~~~
Words of the Day:
ebullient: high-spirited.
tutelary: guardian; protecting.
copse: a thicket of small trees.
pule: to whimper; to whine.
daedal: skillful; artistic; ingenious.
sough: to make a soft, low sighing or rustling sound.
encomium: expression of praise.
quidnunc: a gossip; a busybody.
orotund: full in sound; also, bombastic.
clandestine: kept or done in secret, often in order to conceal an illicit or improper purpose.
badinage: light, playful talk.
penury: extreme poverty; also, insufficiency.
vagary: an extravagant, erratic, or unpredictable notion, action, or occurrence.
doughty: valiant; brave.
rampart: fortification.
affray: a tumultuous assault or quarrel; a brawl.
verdant: green.
shibboleth: a word, pronunciation, saying, belief, practice, etc., that distinguishes one group from another.
apogee: the highest point.
fervid: marked by great passion or zeal.
bravura: a showy display.
from http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/
~~~~~
"There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side." - Oscar Levant

"It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him." - Mark Twain

"Cynicism is the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence. It is the dishonest businessman's sub writer, for self-respect." - Russell Lynes

"Clear your mind of cant." - Dr. Samuel Johnson

"A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled." - Barnett Cocks

"An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not the invasion of ideas." - Victor Hugo

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."- Bertrand Russell

"We never do anything well till we cease to think about the manner of doing it." - William Hazlitt

"Nothing will ever be attempted, if all possible objections must be first overcome." - Samuel Johnson

"Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in." - Andrew Jackson

"We're drowning in information and starving for knowledge." - Rutherford Rogers

"One never knows what each day is going to bring. The important thing is to be open and ready for it." - Henry Moore

"There is no great genius without a tincture of madness." - Seneca

"The greater the ignorance the greater the dogmatism." - Sir William Osler

"Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security will not have, nor do they deserve, either one." - Benjamin Franklin

"I prefer the errors of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom." - Anatole France

"Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most." - American Proverb

"Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them." - Oscar Wilde

"Women prefer to talk in two's, while men prefer to talk in three's." - Gilbert Keith Chesterton

"A gentleman who had been very unhappy in marriage, married immediately after his wife died: Johnson said, it was the triumph of hope over experience." - Samuel Johnson

"To cheat one's self out of love is the greatest deception of which there is no reparation in either time or eternity." - Soren Keirkegarrd
~~~~~
BREAKING CHRISTIAN NEWS
http://breakingchristiannews.com/

Obama Nominates Well-Known Scientist—a Strong Believer—to Head National Institute of Health
Aimee Herd (July 11, 2009)
"Would not God who gave us this glorious creation of His, and who gave us the intelligence to be able to try and understand it, would He not be worshipped by our applying those tools to appreciate what He has done for us?" –Dr. Francis Collins
According to a CBN report, President Barack Obama recently chose Dr. Francis Collins, the mastermind of the Human Genome Project, to lead the National Institute of Health. Dr. Collins is an outspoken Christian.
Described by research director of the Van Andel Institute, Dr. Jeffrey Trent, as having "inherent brilliance," Dr. Collins is credited with cracking the genetic code. An article on MLive.com states that he "developed a technique…that allowed researchers to scan large segments of the human genome in search of disease-producing genes…"
Later on, he and his team of researchers used that same technique to identify genes for Huntington's disease, among others, including those of the "M4 type of adult acute leukemia." (Photo: Wikipedia)
Dr. Trent, who worked with Collins on the Human Genome Project, noted that Collins—in his new position—would be a voice of reason when it comes to the issue of Health Care.
"Francis will play a major role in the development of aspects related to the health care debate," said Trent. "He will be one of those unique individuals to usher out the one-size-fits-all medicine and usher in the 'putting the patient first in our treatment' decisions."
In an interview several years ago with CBN News, Collins said, "Would not God who gave us this glorious creation of His, and who gave us the intelligence to be able to try and understand it, would He not be worshipped by our applying those tools to appreciate what He has done for us? That draws me closer to Him in a way I really can't quite put into words. But it gives me a sense of just how grand and awesome His mind must be."
Collins' appointment must still be confirmed by the US Senate.
To watch the CBN News interview with Dr. Collins, follow the link provided.
Source: The Brody File – CBN News, MLive.com

310 2nd Ave SE
Albany, Oregon 97321
541-928-2642
E-mail editor@breakingchristiannews.com
US Orders: 1-866-358-7426
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
GCF: Raccoons

Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Michael) -Tom

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

While driving my young daughter to pre-school one day, I saw that a family of dead raccoons were on the road ahead of me. I sped up hoping that she would not notice them.

"Mommy," she asked, "what was that?"

Thinking quickly, I told her that some wood must have fallen from a truck.

"Oh," she said. "Is that what killed all those raccoons?"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (My Clean Humor) - Tom To subscribe to My Clean Humor, send a blank email to: mycleanhumor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: My Name is Daniel

One weekend, my friend, who was a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head.

Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night.

Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"

Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.

When she went in at 5:00 A.M., she saw something white on his face.
Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead.

It read: "My name is Daniel."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to: Daily-Humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: Shopping List

I was ill and my husband volunteered to go to the supermarket for me. I sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

He returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two cartons of eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: Statistics

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Karen) -Tom
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GCF: Roast Beef

My girlfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, California. Our waitress appeared to be a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my girlfriend asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied, "Well, no.
We have it, like, just about every day."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Timothy) -Tom
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GCF: Change of Address

I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I finally used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.

"Why do you ask?" I responded.

"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Timothy) -Tom
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GCF: Football Pool

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won one million dollars on the football pools. Her family was extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.

"I think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news," suggested the eldest son.

The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.

"Now, you don't have to worry about anything," said the doctor. "I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me."

The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million dollars?"

"Why," replied the old lady, "I'd give half of it to you, of course."

The doctor fell down dead with shock.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Sean) -Tom
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GCF: Sunday School

The Kindergarten Sunday School class was discussing prayer and the children seemed aware that the way you end a prayer was with the word "Amen."

"Does anyone know what 'Amen' means?" the teacher asked.

There was a long silence. Then one little boy piped up, with appropriate, computer-age gestures, and said, "Well, I think it means, like, 'Send'."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: At the Bar

I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: Heirloom

I noticed a hand-painted gold and burgundy brandy snifter at my in-laws where we were celebrating their wedding anniversary. My father-in-law explained that it had been a wedding gift from Ireland that they had received 50 years earlier.

My brother-in-law picked it up and passed it around the dinner table. My heart was in my mouth as it went from one person to another because my in-laws seemed to habitually drop things. Finally it reached me and I put it back on the display case.

"How had this fragile keepsake lasted so long in this family?" I wondered aloud.

"It's the last of a set of eight," my father-in-law replied.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to: Daily-Humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: Do It Now!

After hearing a speech on how to motivate employees, the business owner posted signs that read "Do It Now" in every department. It was impossible for the employees not to see them all through the day.

A friend dropped by a week later. Seeing the signs, he asked if the scheme really worked.

"Well," said the business owner, "not exactly the way I thought it would. My accountant ran off with $250,000, the office manager eloped with my secretary and the rest of the employees asked for raises."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Allyson) -Tom
----------------------------------

GCF: Jeans

A wife had suffered for a week from a really nasty virus and it left her feeling completely wiped out. On the first day that she could crawl out of bed, she discovered a "silver lining."

Pulling on a pair of jeans, she called out to her husband, "These jeans fit! They finally fit!"

"That's great," the husband replied, "but they're mine."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: The Older Player

Now that I'm over 40, younger teammates have begun to tease me about my declining abilities as a softball player. During one game, I was playing third base when a batter ripped a shot over my head. I leapt as high as I could, but the ball tipped off the end of my glove and fell safely for a hit.

At the end of inning, I was heading for the dugout when our left fielder caught up with me. "That much!" he called, holding his thumb and forefinger a few inches apart.

"I know." I replied. "I almost had it."

"No," he said. "I mean that's how far you got off the ground."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Good Clean Funnies List) -Tom To subscribe The Good Clean Funnies List, (not to be confused with this list, which is Good Clean Fun) send an email to: gcfl-request@gcfl.net with subject = add
----------------------------------

GCF: Last Minute Gift

A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair.

When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That'd be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I'm taking out the trash."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: At the Casino

Matt was on vacation in Atlantic City, playing the slot machines. It was his first time in a casino, and wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me," he said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" asked Matt.

"Usually at the ATM."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: The Burglar

A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of night in Brooklyn and the police arrived just in time to collar the burglar, Morris Spiegel, as he was leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot. Soon, he was in court facing a grim-looking judge.

"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.

"What's an accomplice?" replied Morris.

"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"

"What else?" demanded the culprit. "Who can get honest and reliable help these days?"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

----------------------------------

GCF: Parent-Teacher Conference

When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk."

"I don't understand," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable.

Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Hallinan, our appointment is tomorrow."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: The Duel

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"
_ ____________________________ _
Found at another humor website (Funny Jokes) -Tom http://www.jokesfunny.wordpress.com
----------------------------------

GCF: Truth

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
_ ____________________________ _
Found at another humor website (AhaJokes.Com) -Tom
----------------------------------

GCF: Writing Home from College

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

He didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Good Clean Funnies List) -Tom To subscribe The Good Clean Funnies List, (not to be confused with this list, which is Good Clean Fun) send an email to: gcfl-request@gcfl.net with subject = add
----------------------------------

GCF: The Sergeant-Major's Circle

During a training session at an artillery unit the sergeant-major was busy describing how the sophisticated aiming device of the artillery weapon system is used:

"As you all know, there are 180 degrees in a circle."

One of the soldiers put up his hand and said: "But there are 360 degrees in a circle, sergeant-major."

"You idiot," replied the sergeant-major, "I am obviously speaking about a small circle!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

----------------------------------

GCF: Passport Rules

At 82 years old, a man applied for his first passport. He was told he'd need a birth certificate, but his birth had never been officially registered.

When he explained his dilemma to the passport agent, the response was less than helpful: "In lieu of a birth certificate," the agent said, "you can bring a notarized affidavit from the doctor who delivered you."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: "Take Your Kids to Work" Day

I'd like to know who came up with "Take Your Kids to Work Day."

Is this really necessary? Aren't we already surrounded by immature people who need constant supervision?
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to: Daily-Humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: The Perfect Prom Dress

The teenager had been in the boutique for several hours and finally chose the "perfect" prom dress.

The saleswoman was surprised when the girl returned the next day with the outfit. "Can I exchange this for something else?"

"What seems to be the problem?"

"My parents like it."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: The Skeleton

A very large old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings, it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They called the police.

When the police arrived, they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton, fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: Getting Things Done

The new bride went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, but he keeps putting it off."

"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for thirty-eight years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Good Clean Funnies List) -Tom
To subscribe The Good Clean Funnies List, (not to be confused with this list, which is Good Clean Fun) send an email to: gcfl-request@gcfl.net with subject = add
----------------------------------

GCF: Windshield Wiper

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side.

This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm. Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear.

Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, James) -Tom
----------------------------------

GCF: One Thing I Learned in Life.....

...if at first you don't succeed, look in the wastebasket for the directions. - Tim, Age 26

...the older I get, the smarter my parent's get. - Janetta, Age 31

...never to beam down to the planet if you're wearing the red shirt! - Chris, age 37

...breath in, ...breath out... - Kevin, Age 34

...there's nothing better than to be loved. ...well, maybe eating chocolate! - Vivien, Age 42

...the only person I have to be better than, is the person I was yesterday. - Debbie, Age 37

...don't let a restaurant serve your food cold. - Ellen, Age 39

...never to let your kids find out your age. - Barrie, Age 41

...becoming an adult was painful -- Being an adult is the BEST!!! - Robert, Age 52

...the guy at the door of Wal-Mart DOESN'T say that to everyone. - Alan, Age 28

...OLD is always at least 15 years more than my current age. - Saucke, Age 42

...that computers can always crash and make our lives miserable. - Shewolf, Age 36

...some things never change, some things should be changed, some things can't be changed, and sometimes after you change things, you wish you hadn't! - Doreen, Age 34

...if you ever get in a fight with a woman, plead insanity. They will not argue with that. - Kevin, Age 15
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to: Daily-Humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: Chores

Mother: "When I was your age, my mother used to hide money around the house for me that I would find only if I performed my chores particularly well. One time when I was cleaning out the cupboards for her, I found $20 under the old shelf paper."

Daughter: "Wow! What a cool idea! Why didn't you ever do that with me?"

Mother: "But my dear ... I have been."

_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------

GCF: Not Smoking

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."

"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Becky) -Tom
----------------------------------

GCF: Math Dyslexia

A worker returned from his visit to the doctor and a colleague asked him how he made out.

"Not bad. The doctor told me that I have Math Dyslexia."

The other fellow said, "Gee, that sounds bad."

"Actually, the Doctor told me not to worry, because 17 out of 5 people have it."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Jon) -Tom
----------------------------------

GCF: The Speaker

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.

Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."
_ ____________________________ _
Found posted in a humor newsgroup (rec.humor.funny) -Tom
----------------------------------

GCF: Small Town Law

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Jake) -Tom
----------------------------------

GCF: Skip-A-Day Diet Plan

Mr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Charles) -Tom
----------------------------------

GCF: Security Code

No, I didn't make this up. I recently purchased a digitally-controlled bass preamp. It's a good unit. But I cracked up uncontrollably upon reading in the manual about the security code feature. Perhaps this was a version 1.1 solution to a version 1.0 problem.

The MB-1's SECURITY CODE feature enables you to lock out the front panel functions. The MB-1 is shipped from the factory with the SECURITY CODE OFF. To set your personal security code and lock the front panel:

1. Press the STORE button. It will light.
2. Press the BANK button and while holding the BANK button down press the number 3 button.
3. The display will read SEt CodE _ _ _ _.
4. Enter a four digit number which you will easily remember.
5. Press the STORE button. Your MB-1 is now in lock-out mode and your personal security code must be entered upon prompt to unlock the MB-1 and permit any front panel operations.

NOTE: In the event that you forget your personal security code, you may unlock the MB-1 by entering the default security code. The default security code is: 2009.
_ ____________________________ _
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Someone who thinks logically \ /
\ _/ is a nice contrast \_ /
/ / to the real world. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / All that glitters \ /
\ _/ has a high refractive index. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / The hardness of the butter \ /
\ _/ is in direct proportion \_ /
/ / to the softness of the bread. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / \ /
\ _/ Don't judge a book by its movie. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / It's hard to be nostalgic \ /
\ _/ when you can't remember anything. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Hard work never killed \ /
\ _/ anybody . . . but why \_ /
/ / take chances? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / "Quidquid latine dictum \ /
\ _/ sit, altum viditur." \_ /
/ / (Anything in Latin sounds profound.) \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / \ /
\ _/ A good pun is its own reword. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / How come wrong numbers \ /
\ _/ are never busy? \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Hospitality: \ /
\ _/ Making your guests feel at home, \_ /
/ / even though you wish they were. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I just got lost in thought. \ /
\ _/ It was unfamiliar territory. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If knees were backwards, \ /
\ _/ what would chairs look like? \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Little known facts... \ \_/ ////
\ / The full name of Los Angeles, \ /
\ _/ California is "El Pueblo de \_ /
/ / Nuestra Senora la Reina de los \ \
Angeles de Porciuncula."
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Death and taxes are inevitable; \ /
\ _/ at least death doesn't \_ /
/ / get worse every year. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / It doesn't matter what \ /
\ _/ temperature a room is, \_ /
/ / it's always room temperature. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / WWWDWOA? \ /
\ _/ (What would we do \_ /
/ / without acronyms?) \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Imagine if birds were \ /
\ _/ tickled by feathers... \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Everywhere is within walking \ /
\ _/ distance if you have the time. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / It's bad luck \ /
\ _/ to be superstitious. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / What is a "free" gift? \ /
\ _/ Aren't all gifts free? \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Knocked; you weren't in. \ /
\ _/ -- Opportunity \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / One must wait until evening \ /
\ _/ to see how splendid \_ /
/ / the day has been. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I went to a general store \ /
\ _/ but they wouldn't let me \_ /
/ / buy anything specific. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Conscience is what hurts \ /
\ _/ when everything else feels good. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Summer is the time when \ \_/ ////
\ / it is too hot to do \ /
\ _/ the jobs it was too cold \_ /
/ / to do in winter. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / For every action \ /
\ _/ there is an equal \_ /
/ / and opposite criticism. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Which came first -- \ /
\ _/ the chicken, or the various \_ /
/ / things that taste like chicken? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If a cow laughed, \ /
\ _/ would milk come out her nose? \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Light travels faster than sound.\ /
\ _/ This is why some people appear \_ /
/ / bright until you hear them speak. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If the shoe fits, \ /
\ _/ buy another one just like it. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / A synonym is a word you use \ /
\ _/ in place of one you can't spell. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / All computers wait \ /
\ _/ at the same speed. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Why does "slow down" \ /
\ _/ and "slow up" \_ /
/ / mean the same thing? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / The sooner you fall behind, \ /
\ _/ the more time you'll have \_ /
/ / to catch up. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I think it's wrong \ /
\ _/ that only one company \_ /
/ / makes the game "Monopoly." \ \
_ ____________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | tellswor@slonet.org | \ \
_( (_ | http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor | _) )_
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_| ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS:

See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6 Uneven
7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try...
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is clever....

MY ANSWER WAS THAT THE SECOND AND LAST LETTER WERE ALL THE SAME. WHILE THAT IS TRUE, ---

Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....

Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out?

Thanks to David Lamb
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
TWo medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.
One of the students said to his friend, 'I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'

The other student said, 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class.'

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, 'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?'

The old man said, 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think.'

One of the students said, 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.'
The old man said, 'You thought... but you are wrong.'
Then the other student said, 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.'
The old man said, 'You thought...... but you are also wrong.'

So they asked him, 'Well, old timer, what do you have?'
The old man said, 'I thought it was GAS... but I was wrong too.'

Thanks to David Lamb
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, 'Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'..'
'Oh, is that so? Tell me....' replies God.
'Well', says the scientist, 'we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.'
'Well, that's interesting. Show Me. '
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
'Oh no, no, no...' interrupts God, 'Get your own dirt.'

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
"Who will help me grow my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. She planted her crop, and the wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the duck..
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said 20th century little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."
"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. ( Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy..."
"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.
"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But, under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.


That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Thanks to Waneta
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Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

Thanks to Waneta
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Understanding a Southerner

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, sir."

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Charleston (Chawl'stn)
Savannah (S'vanah)
Fort Worth (Foat Wuth)
New Orleans (N'awlins)
Atlanta (Addlanna)

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course!

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, .. as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," . we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.
_____
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Thanks to Waneta
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The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'PIG.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating NAZI.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a 'moron in blue'.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

Thanks to Waneta
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You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
__________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
____________________________________________________
Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

Thanks to Gary Foreman
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he first testicular guard ("Cup") was used in Hockey in 1874. The first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Thanks to Alita Ingram
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Wow this is not so easy!! This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers
1.. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole And ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
THIS IS PRETTY COOL. HAVE A GREAT DAY! Answers To Quiz:
1. Boxing
2. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year Because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over It every minute.)
3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. Strawberry.
5. It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)
6. dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
7. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. Lettuce.
9. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART.... Today is "National Mental Health Day." You can do your part
by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. Well, my job's done!
LIFE IS A JOURNEY. ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW AND
ENJOY THE BREEZE.

Thanks to Buzzy
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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target..

Dear Mrs.Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking .

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away?.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

Thanks to Claiborne
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Sewing Lesson

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.

After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

Up

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this: How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English?

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers, and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ... Time to shut UP!

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

Caught on the Job

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 A.M. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 A.M. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"

Received from Barbara Hesse.

(-:][:-)

Burnt Potato

Laura and Freddy are cousins, and their grandma is babysitting them for the day.

Although Freddy's mom is the renowned chef in the family, Laura's mom prepared lunch earlier, including potatoes in the oven. But one fell and got badly burnt. Grandma jumped on the occasion to show the kids how to draw with it on a piece of paper.

Sad, Freddy observed: "My mom would NEVER burn potatoes for me!"

Received from William.

(-:][:-)

Boudreaux and Clarence

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"

Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.'

You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou."

Received from Wayne Shelton.

(-:][:-)

Do Not Touch!

Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"

Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.

Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

Priest Retirement

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed debating the "bail-out packages," so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

Received from Becky Day.

(-:][:-)

Argument

A guy was telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

"What did she say?" asked the friend.

The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

New Use for Windex

I haven't checked snopes.com to see if this actually works or not . . .

But they say that if you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking!

Received from Sharon Whalen.

(-:][:-)

What Would He Pay?

While waiting in line to check out at a Christian bookstore, a man in front of me asked the clerk about a display of hats with the letters WWJD on them. The clerk explained that WWJD stands for "What would Jesus do?" and that the idea is to get people to consider this question when making decisions.

The man pondered a moment, then replied, "I don't think he'd pay $17.95 for that hat."

Received from Todd Ash.

(-:][:-)

Graveside Service

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Received from Becky Day.

(-:][:-)

Centipede

This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

Received from Sandy.

(-:][:-)


A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

Easy Operation?

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair just before his operation.

A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, so don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

Scout Survival

A scout master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the scout master.

Davey replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why is that, Davey?" asked the scout master.

"Well," answered Davey, "the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the scout master impatiently.

Davey replied, "Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten.'"

Received from Becky Day.

(-:][:-)

Confession

A man went into confession one day. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," said the man.

"What have you done?" asked the priest.

"I housed a refugee during the second world war."

"That is not a sin," replied the priest.

"You don't understand," replied the man. "I made him pay rent."

To which the priest replied, "Well, that wasn't very charitable, but I wouldn't say it's a sin."

"Then, Father, may I ask your opinion of something?"

"Of course," said the priest.

"Should I tell him the war is over?"

Received from Plage du jour.

(-:][:-)

Expensive Doctors

A young woman wasn't feeling well, so she asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced, "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good. Just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

Last Minute Gift

A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair.

When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That'd be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I'm taking out the trash."

Received from Andre F. Payson II

(-:][:-)

Buying a Cow

A farmer had been taken advantage of several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer priced his cow as follows:

* Basic cow........................... $499.95
* Shipping and handling................. 35.75
* Extra stomach......................... 79.25
* Two-tone exterior.................... 142.10
* Produce storage compartment.......... 126.50
* Heavy-duty straw chopper............. 189.60
* Four-spigot/high-output drain system. 149.20
* Automatic fly swatter................. 88.50
* Genuine cowhide upholstery........... 179.90
* Deluxe dual horns..................... 59.25
* Automatic fertilizer attachment...... 339.40
* 4 x 4 traction drive assembly........ 884.16
* Pre-delivery wash and comb............ 69.80
* FARMER SUGGESTED LIST PRICE:........ 2843.36
* Additional dealer adjustments:....... 300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $3143.36

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

Daylight Saving Time

Yesterday, Sunday, was the day most of our nation went on "Daylight Saving Time." In Sunday School one of the class members told that during the night he "woke and remembered that no one had changed the time on the clock" so he got up and advanced the time one hour.

Some time later during the night his wife "woke and remembered that no one had changed the time on the clock" so she got up and advanced the time one hour.

Needless to say they got to church early!

Received from Bob Bailey.

(-:][:-)

Dance on the Grave

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

(-:][:-)

Close Enough for Government Work

This insurance company's contract with a government agency had just expired, and a technician fielded the call from an agency bureaucrat reminding him that he needed to destroy the agency-provided software.

"I agreed that we would delete the software from the mainframe computer," said the tech.

The reply? "That's not good enough -- the software must be destroyed."

"How do you destroy software?" the tech asked. But the agency guy couldn't give specifics. "He just kept insisting that deleting the software was not enough -- we must destroy the software!"

The tech finally suggested that he copy the software onto a tape cartridge, have a steamroller roll over it, and send the flattened tape cartridge to the agency.

The steamroller was on site because a company was repaving the parking lot. The tech suggested the idea because of frustration with the construction in the parking lot -- and frustration with the government employee who did not seem to have a clue about the nature of software.

He put the flattened cartridge, at least all the pieces worth picking up, and the crushed tape into a padded envelope and mailed it to the government agency, to the bureaucrat's attention.

The tech received a sincere thank you from the agency.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

Looking for a Parking Space

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.

"Going out?" I called to them.

"No," said the man. "Just friends."

Received from George Tobin.

(-:][:-)

Applause at the Theater

A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine. When they walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me all the way up here."

Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming. They won't start the movie unless we have ten customers or more."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

Doctor On Call

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Received from Paula Sanning.

(-:][:-)

Mouse Trap

My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he couldn't see over the panels to find his way out, so he waited until he saw someone else leaving and followed him. He did the same the next day. On the third day he had to work late, long after his colleagues had left. He wandered around lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors, but then, just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle.

"How do you get out of here?" Jim asked.

The fellow looked up from his desk, smiled and said, "No cheese for you."

from Reader's Digest

(-:][:-)

Glass of Water

One night a father sent his son upstairs to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''

''No. You had your chance. Be quiet and go to sleep.''

A minute later the boy screamed, ''Dad!! Can you PLEASE get me a glass of water?''

''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''

A minute later the boy yelled, ''Dad, when you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass of water?''

Received from Mikala.

(-:][:-)

Why Are We Here?

So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, "Dad, why are we here?"

And this is what I said:

"I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt or eat sunflower seeds without using his hands.

"We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up, and then find the ball in the hole.

"We're here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt, and the Converse sneakers we lettered in on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be.

"We're here to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing, and still call it a perfect morning.

"We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying.

"I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn't.

"I don't think we're here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red 327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible, and an unopened map of Vermont's backroads.

"None of us will find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, 'I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account.' We're going to say, 'That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!'

"See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy, when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven.

"Does that answer your question, son?"

And he said, "Not really, Dad."

And I said, "No?"

And he said, "No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

Counting the Days

A fellow cop from our precinct had only a few months left on the job, and he could always be heard ticking off the weeks, days, hours, and minutes.

Our chief was not amused. "I've been on the job for 43 years, and I've never counted off the days until I'm outta here," he said to me.

I couldn't help agreeing with him. "That's because everyone else is counting for you."

Received from Jesse Thatcher.

(-:][:-)

Actors

Two actors who haven't seen each other in several weeks run into each other on the street.

1st actor: Haven't seen you in a while. How's everything going?

2nd actor: Pretty good. Two weeks ago I got a call from a lawyer in Florida. It seems I had an aunt that I never knew about that died and left me $2,000,000.

#1: That's great!

#2: Yeah. And then last week I hit the lottery and won $7,000,000.

#1: That's wonderful!

#2: Yeah, but this week, nothing!

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

Going Fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and fishing equipment, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house and slipped back into bed, where my wife was turned away from me. I whispered to her, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?"

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

Received from Vickie Freeland.

(-:][:-)

-=+=-
Rate this funny at http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20060113
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
To print or email this funny to others, go to http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20060113
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - - http://www.madkane.com/madness/2009/06/23/steele-dea/ - - Steeley Plan For Health Care
Life would be ever so much easier, if only RNC Chairman Michael Steele had Barack Obama’s gig. For instance, we’d be able to solve our health care problems in a nanosecond:

STEELE: So if it’s a cost problem, it’s easy: Get the people in a room who have the most and the most direct impact on cost, and do the deal. Do the deal. It’s not that complicated.

If it’s an access question, people don’t have access to health care, then figure out who they are, and give them access! Hello?! Am I missing something here? …

And so it’s time for yet another Michael Steele limerick:

Steeley Plan For Health Care
By Madeleine Begun Kane

U.S. health reform’s easy, says Steele.
Simply get in a room — do the deal.
Whether access or cost
Is the problem, accost
Those involved, do the deal, and get real.

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
http://www.madkane.com/
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This is something we should all read at least once a week! Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written." My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Remember that I will always share my spoon with you!
Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.

Thanks to Waneta
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TOURBUS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -:) - :)- :)
Vol 14, Number 18
08 Jul 2009
80,000 Riders in Over 100 Countries

Free AntiSpyware / Blu-Ray Death / TomTom Loathing / Windows 7 / Adobe Alternatives / Ubuntu Linux Update Today's TOURBUS is packed with goodies from the front row, and all the way down the aisle! First, I've got a roundup of Free AntiSpyware Programs that will protect you from cybernasties, and then a prediction: Five Reasons Blu-Ray Will Fail. You'll also learn Why I Hate My TomTom GPS and how to Download Windows7 for Free. Get the scoop on how to Customize Your Windows 7 Desktop, and learn about some Alternatives to Adobe Reader and the latest Ubuntu Linux release. Read on!
+ ------------------------------------- +
Free AntiSpyware Programs

A reader asked: "Everyone seems to recommend a different free antispyware program. Which is the best for protecting me against spyware?" There are several anti-spyware applications that you can use to monitor your computer for suspicious activity, identify known malware and fix problems that develop because of malware.

The best part is that many excellent anti-spyware programs are free! Here's a roundup of the ones I think are effective...

FREE ANTISPYWARE PROGRAMS [http://askbobrankin.com/free_antispyware_programs.html]
+ ------------------------------------- +
Five Reasons Blu-Ray Will Fail

It's been more than a year since the backers of Blu-ray triumphed in the Format Wars, sending HD-DVD to the technology scrap heap. But consumers don't seem to care. A recent survey indicated that 93 percent of Americans have no plans to buy a Blu-ray player. It's my opinion that sales of Blu-Ray players and Blu-ray discs will not reach the critical mass required to make it a longterm commercial success.

See my five reasons why I think Blu-ray will fail...

BLU-RAY WILL FAIL [http://askbobrankin.com/five_reasons_bluray_will_fail.html]
+ ------------------------------------- +
Why I Hate My TomTom GPS

I bought a TomTom GO 720 GPS almost a year ago, and I've had nothing but trouble with it. I've owned a few other GPS units, and they all could tell me how to get to Philadelphia, or where the nearest coffee shop was located. But not this one. When I expressed my frustration to a TomTom customer service rep, she basically told me to go buy a Garmin!

Read on to learn how Camden, heavy cream, and the movie "Airplane" convinced me she was right...

I HATE MY TOMTOM [http://askbobrankin.com/why_i_hate_my_tomtom_gps.html]
+ ------------------------------------- +
Windows 7 Desktop Tweaks

I recently downloaded Windows 7 RC (Release Candidate). It's the final test version before the October 22 release, and it runs great on my 4-year-old Sony Vaio laptop. I've also been trying out all the cool new desktop customization features that enable you to customize the Win7 desktop, as well as helping you navigate more easily between open windows and programs.

Here's a link for the Win7 RC download, and some tips for tricking out your Windows 7 machine with backgrounds, themes, gadgets and other cool stuff...

WIN7 DESKTOP TWEAKS [http://askbobrankin.com/windows_7_desktop_customization.html]
+ ------------------------------------- +
Download Win7 for FREE or Pre-Order at Half-Price

As I mentioned above, you can download Windows 7 RC and try it out today. It's free, but you can only use it through March 1, 2010, at which time it will begin shutting down every two hours. On June 1, 2010, the RC will expire and cease to function, so you'll need a paid Win7 license.

Fortunately, you can pre-order your copy of Windows 7 Home Premium for $49, or Professional for $99. That's about half off the estimated retail prices...

FREE WIN7 OR 50% PRE-ORDER [http://askbobrankin.com/windows_7_half_price_offer.html]
+ ------------------------------------- +
Alternatives to Adobe Reader

Lots of people have been unhappy with the slow launch time of Adobe Reader, and the large amount of system resources it uses. As a result, several alternative PDF viewers have arisen, and they're all free.

If you have to deal with a lot of PDFs, and Adobe Reader just isn't doing it for you, check out these free alternatives for PDF viewing...

ADOBE READER ALTERNATIVES [http://askbobrankin.com/alternatives_to_adobe_reader.html]
+ ------------------------------------- +
Jump Up to Jaunty Jackalope

Ubuntu is a free Linux-based operating system, with a web browser, office tools, games and a ton of other software. Ubuntu 9.04 (aka Jaunty Jackalope) is the newest version, released in April 2009. Once a toy for geeks, I now rank Ubuntu even with Windows and OS X. It offers everything most people need, for free, in a user-friendly package.

Check out the recent Ubuntu updates, and see if you're ready to make the switch to a Linux desktop...

UBUNTU LINUX v9.04 [http://askbobrankin.com/ubuntu_jaunty_jackalope.html]

+ ------------------------------------- +

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• Free Satellite TV? [http://askbobrankin.com/free_satellite_tv_on_pc.html] Can this software download really give you free satellite TV broadcasts on your PC?

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Use Promo Code TOURBUS to Save 10% on your order!

That's all for now, see you next time!
-- Bob Rankin

That's all for now, see you next time! -- Bob Rankin
+ ------------------------------------- +
====[ Tourbus Rider Information ]====
The Internet Tourbus - U.S. Library of Congress ISSN #1094-2238
Copyright 1995-2009, Rankin & Crispen - All rights reserved
Be Smarter & Better Looking Than [-99.959040-] Percent of Users
Hop On the Bus and Join 80,000 Others Around the World!
============================
Best of Everything - http://www.InternetTourbus.com/best.html Subscribe, Signoff, Archives, Free Stuff and More at the Tourbus Home - http://www.InternetTourbus.com
========================
.~~~. ))
(\__/) .' ) )) Patrick Douglas Crispen
/o o \/ .~
{o_, \ { crispen@netsquirrel.com
/ , , ) \ http://www.netsquirrel.com/
`~ -' \ } )) AOL Instant Messenger: Squirrel2K
_( ( )_.'
---..{____} Warning: squirrels.
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The Pump Handle. A water cooler for the public health crowd.
Pandemics and research funding
July 9, 2009 in Funding, Research

I’ll soon be at the end of my career, funding-wise, although I plan to continue as an active scientist for as long as my neurons will process information in a logical order. I mention this so you won’t take this as special pleading. I’m not going to benefit from it. But if we want to continue to make advances in science and health (as well as other things), we’re going to have to invest more heavily in basic research. And when we do, we’ll have to do it smarter than we’ve done it before. Notice I didn’t say anything about competing economically as a nation, although any nation that fails to invest in science will fall behind. Science doesn’t care about national borders and neither do I. I’m talking about learning enough about how the world works that we can deal with major threats like influenza pandemics — to take an example not at all at random.

Read the rest of this entry » [http://thepumphandle.wordpress.com/2009/07/09/pandemics-and-research-funding/#more-5778]

http://thepumphandle.wordpress.com/
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Weekly Toll - - http://weeklytoll.blogspot.com/
Death In The Workplace w/News & Updates
John Donne - ...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Construction worker's death blamed on heat - - June 25, North Little Rock, - A 44-year-old North Little Rock man has become the first person in Pulaski County to die because of the heat. Frank Goy died Wednesday afternoon at a North Little Rock hospital after becoming ill while doing construction work at a home Wednesday morning. Goy's body was sent to the state Crime Laboratory for an autopsy but Pulaski County Coroner Garland Camper says the death fits the profile of being heat related.

WVa worker dies after being pinned by equipment - - June 1, Pleasant Valley, West Virginia - A Fairmont man has died after being pinned between an aerial lift's platform and a crane. Police say 48-year-old George Green was standing on the platform as he backed the lift out of a United Rentals garage Tuesday morning. The lift backed into a crane parked behind it, pinning Green between the platform and the crane. Marion County sheriff's Detective Sgt. Chip Phillips says Green died at the scene.

1 Dies, 2 Injured After Fall From Construction Site - - June 1, Dublin, Ohio —A Columbus construction worker fell to his death Wednesday at a Dublin construction site after a scaffolding collapsed, injuring two co-workers as well...The three workers fell different distances from the scaffolding: one fell to the ground, a second worker fell two stories and a third worker fell one story, according to Dublin Public Information Officer Mike Racey. Wilbert Johnson, 52, of Columbus died after he fell an unknown distance.

Electric Boat worker killed on job - - June 1, North Kingston, Rhode Island - An Electric Boat worker injured on the job Wednesday morning has died from his injuries, according to a company news release. In a bulletin sent to employees, the company said the victim was a rigger at the plant. The accident happened at 7:25 a.m. at the company's Quonset manufacturing facility in North Kingstown. The 31-year-old worker was then taken to Kent Hospital in Warwick, where he was pronounced dead, the release said. Company officials said the victim worked for Electric Boat for 10 years.

http://weeklytoll.blogspot.com
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NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed weekly. These records can be found at http://www.defenselink.mil/releases/

The Department of Defense announced the death of three soldiers who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died May 21 near Baghdad, Iraq of wound sustained when their unit was attacked by enemy forces using improvise explosive devices while on dismounted patrol. Killed were:
01. Maj. Jason E. George, 38, of Tehachapi, Calif. He was an Army Reservist assigned to the 252nd Combined Arms Battalion, Fayetteville, North Carolina.
02. 1st Lt. Leevi K. Barnard, 28, of Mount Airy, N.C. He was a National Guardsman assigned to the 252nd Combined Arms Battalion, Fayetteville, North Carolina.
03. Staff Sgt. Paul F. Brooks, 34, of Joplin, Mo. He was a National Guardsman assigned to the 935th Aviation Support Battalion, Springfield, Missouri.

04. Chief Warrant Officer Brent S. Cole, 38, of Reedsville, W. Va., died May 22, when his helicopter went down in Tarin Kwot, Afghanistan. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 82nd Combat Aviation Brigade, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, North Carolina.

05. Sgt. 1st Class Brian Naseman, 36, of New Bremen, Ohio, died May 22 in Taji, Iraq of a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 108th Forward Support Company, attached to 2nd Battalion, 127th Infantry, 32nd Infantry Brigade Combat Team, Sussex, Wis.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two airmen who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. They died May 26 near Bagram Air Field, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained from an improvised explosive device. Killed were:
06. Lt. Col. Mark E. Stratton II, 39, of Houston. He was assigned to the Joint Staff, Pentagon, Washington, D.C.
07. Senior Airman Ashton L. M. Goodman, 21, of Indianapolis. She was assigned to the 43rd Logistics Readiness Squadron, Pope Air Force Base, N.C.

08. Cmdr. Duane G. Wolfe, 54, of Port Hueneme, Calif., died May 25 from injuries suffered as a result of an improvised explosive device attack on his convoy southeast of Fallujah. Wolfe was assigned to the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers’ Gulf Region Division in Iraq.

09. Army 1st Sgt. Blue C. Rowe, 33, of Summers, Ark., died May 26 in Panjshir Province, Afghanistan, when an improvised explosive device detonated near his vehicle. He was assigned to the 426th Civil Affairs Battalion, Upland, Calif.

10. Maged M. Hussein, 43, of Cairo, Egypt, died May 25 in Al Taqaddum, Iraq, of wounds suffered when an improvised explosive device detonated near his convoy vehicle in Fallujah, Iraq. He was employed by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, Jacksonville District, Jacksonville, Fla.

11. Spc. Chad A. Edmundson, 20, of Williamsburg, Pa., died May 27 in Baghdad of wounds suffered when an improvised explosive device detonated near his unit while on a dismounted patrol. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 112th Infantry, 56th Stryker Brigade, Pennsylvania Army National Guard.
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. - - George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" - - Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
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Scheduled Activities
Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there.
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234-5655
(Non - Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance - 234-7371 (24 Hour)
Jail - 234-5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control - 800-222-1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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Interested in getting in touch with the Banner-News through e-mail?
E-mail addresses for communicating with the newspaper’s various departments are: news@bannernews.net For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events.
advertising@bannernews. net For retail and classified advertising.
circulation@bannernews. net To start, stop or cancel newspaper delivery or for comments about delivery.
outfitters @bannernews.net For Office Outfitters, the office supply division of the Banner-News.
[http://www.bannernews.net/]
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." -- "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" -- "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." -- "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." - - "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." - - Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. - Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day - James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
~~~~~
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" --"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
Phil 1:27-28 Isa 60:15-17 Jude 1:3-4 1 Pet 1:6-9 Num 32:20-23 Jer 1:4-8 1 Cor 3:16-17 Psa 133 Gal 4:4-7 Psa 119:57-62 Luke 17:1-3 Gal 2:7-8 Prov 26:6-11 Luke 17:3-4 Luke 15:17-19 Psa 40:13-17 Luke 16:10-12 Prov 26:12-16 Prov 5:20-23 Hosea 10:12 Hosea 1:2-3 Prov 26:20-23 Isa 44:16-17 1 Cor 2:9-11 Prov 26:17-21 1 Cor 3:11-15 Acts 9:32-34 Gal 3:15-16 Prov 26:24-26 Prov 27:5-6 http://www.e-min.org/
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT-I KC5HII

P. S. If you'd like to be added to the distribution, just drop us E-mail at kc5hii@suddenlink.net
. We offer "Da Bleat" as text, a "Blog" and as a newsletter with pictures in Word and PDF format. The latest issue is usually updated sometime Saturday. For the "Blog" version just go to one of the several addresses on the web. For the latest issue, go to http://www.bugsbleat.blogspot.com. Older issues can be found at http://www.bugsbleat_q__.blogspot.com, where _ is the quarter (1, 2, 3, or 4) and __ is the year (05, 06, 07, 08 or 09). We also have a site [http://bugsbleatphotos.blogspot.com/] where we post photos that I like.
Let us hear from you if we can switch you over to the "Word" or "PDF" version of "Da Bleat".
If you'd prefer to read "Da Blog" version, just drop us a note at kc5hii@suddenlink.net and we'll switch you from e:mail delivery to "Da Bleat" Blog. We appreciate your encouragement. We also appreciate your communication when you desire to be taken off our mail list. If you are on this mail list by mistake or do not wish to receive "Da Bleat," please reply back and tell us to discontinue service to you. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2009 before it was sent.
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Bug's Bleat - - GCF: The Sergeant - - Photos

 

'69er MHS Cheerleaders Revisited

 

How did they get me to do this?

 

But, our cheer was original.

 

I home no one was traumatized.

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: The Sergeant

 

Our "bench" at the High School

 

Some of our classmates during a tour of the school.

 

Annette and I at the reunion dinner

 

My classmates and me at the Friday evening "Meet and Greet"

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: The Sergeant

Bug's Bleat
The Internet Version of The Ed Sullivan Show
“We never let the truth stand in the way of a Good Story"

Volume 11, Issue 25 Friday, June 19, 2009

Hello All,

Thanks to my kids for a GREAT Father’s Day. They more than fulfilled my wishes for the day.
~~~~~
The Magnolia, Arkansas Senior Class of 1969 celebrated their 40th reunion June 19 & 20. It was really great to visit with “OLD” classmates again. Though I didn’t get to talk with everyone I wanted too. We all had a great time.
It’s really amazing that so many of us enjoy being together. This reunion was our biggest to date (over 70 classmates of 165 graduates.) That’s a lot of folks willing to travel from all over the US to see each other.
Like many others our age, we find that we are happier today than when we graduated. Thanks to my classmates for making my reunion so much fun.
~~~~~
Diabetes is an evil, deadly disease. It will kill you unless you are aggressive in dealing with it. I know many diabetics (as I'm sure y'all do) and they range from those who have the disease completely under control to those who, in denial, are being ravaged by this killer.

Do NOT treat this lightly. Find a good doctor (one who doesn't goof around and who really checks you and your records out each time you see them. My first rule of thumb is that the doctor should look at your feet every time you see them. If they don't, find another doc.) Resolve in your heart to do what is necessary to keep this killer under control.

Do NOT think that you will lose the battle if you don't immediately begin exercising and losing weight. You do need to do those things, but first, find out what you CAN do successfully NOW and DO IT!

I first started small changes in my eating. Then working with my GREAT Doctor (Donna Rushing in Shreveport) we got my medications lined out. Then I started working on losing weight and exercising and modifying my medications as necessary.

If you'll do the things you HAVE to do now and work on the stuff that it would be good for you to do, you can live a LONG FULL LIFE.

JFM

P.S. I have always hated getting shots. But the day Donna told me I needed to start injecting Insulin, I said; "I can do this." And I am. I take 29 shots a week and check my blood sugar 4 times a day. If this "Wimp" can do it, you can too.
~~~~~
What do Education, Healthcare and Small Business have in common? Two answers; 1) The US government is bumbling along inadvertently trying to ruin all three and . . . 2) All three are great examples of the problems of distance between management and production and the advantages in reducing that distance.
Over my lifetime, we’ve poured money into healthcare and education and seen both systems totter toward failure. It’s not the money, per se; it’s the federal and corporate oversight that comes with it.
As a “Safety Man” one of my skills is “Root Cause” investigation. And the root cause of our education system failures is supervision by bureaucrat located far far away from the school as well as being more concerned with political issues than education issues. Do you really believe that a Department of Education employee in Washington DC knows what is needed for the students in Columbia County? We’ve got to take back control of our kid’s education. Of course that’s just what parents who send their kids to private school are doing. A private school isn’t just a business for educating kids. It’s a community organization that combines students, parents and educators all working together.
Now, let’s look at health care. Our system of insurance (both private and public) has resulted in a widening divide between our healthcare providers and the patients they treat. A doctor can’t just diagnose a problem and treat it. He has to justify that treatment to someone with an insurance company or Medicare. The problem with this is that the person ruling on the treatment isn’t the person actually seeing the patient. Talk to any healthcare provider about the frustrations of trying to get needed treatment for patients while bureaucrat sit in judgment of that treatment. I remember my mother’s surgeon “venting” about the unnecessary and dangerous test he was required to perform to fulfill a Medicare requirement. Another Dr. told me of risking conviction for Medicare fraud by “lying” on the Medicare submittal to get a patient needed treatment because the government hadn’t caught up with state of the art treatment.
And private insurance isn’t that much different. Most of us have experienced having a treatment or a drug “refused” by our insurance company. In my case, a new drug promised to extend my life when my blood counts started dropping. My insurance company refused to pay for the treatment. After a few months, of back and forth negotiations between my doctor and the company, I wrote the insurer and asked “If you won’t pay for the drug, would you consider putting a little money toward my head stone?” That elicited a quick call from the company and they approved the drug.
Again, the root cause was that a person was making decisions about my health care while they knew next to nothing about me, my doctor or my condition.
But, what about controlling costs? Listen to me. Bureaucrats don’t control costs. They exacerbate costs. A study a few years ago found that removing most oversight from health care plans resulted in lower costs. Several fortune 500 companies instituted a 100% pay healthcare plan. No deductibles, no co pays, just go to the doctor and get treated. The result? 15% to 25% reduction in those companies healthcare costs when the doctor and patient were able to work together on the appropriate treatment without oversight from a third party. And a bonus was healthier employees.
Now, what do these have to do with small business? We’ll, small business is the best example of how things can go RIGHT when management is on the scene and working directly with employees to solve problems. Unlike the government or large health insurance companies or big business, small businesses respond quickly to changing conditions and, as a result, are the true driving force of our economy. They account for the majority of jobs in the U.S. and, at the same time, are being targeted for extinction by recent government policies.
So what can you do? Write, call, fax and email your representative and senators. Let them know that they will be taken out of office unless they stop trying to destroy our small business. Also tell them to work to return control of our schools to the local communities and demand that they work toward a healthcare plan that allows doctors and patients to decide on the appropriate treatment.
~~~~~
The President signed a new law that will “protect” us from credit card companies. For some reason, those of us who’ve paid our cards on time will be penalized by being charged more fees so those who can’t pay their bills will get off the hook.
Hummm ...
How about this? We repeal ALL laws passed in the last 10 years. Then give it a year and see how that works. If, as I suspect will happen, the economy improves and we all do better, then repeal another 10 years worth of laws.
You see, it’s my contention that 99% of the laws passed by congress don’t improve our lives, they harm us. We’d all do better if they just went home and left the country alone.
~~~~~
I’m a registered Democrat. Because, here in the south, if you don’t vote in the Democratic primary, you don’t get to vote for 85% of the elected offices. However, in real life, I vote as an Independent. I guess if you had to pin me down to a party, I’m a member of the “Tea” Party.
My basic political lean is for less government. I don’t think government is bad, just incompetent and corrupt. And I don’t think changing it will improve it. “Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” - - John Emerich Edward Dalberg Acton. As Will Rogers said; “Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.”
~
Don’t misunderstand. I believe we need government. There are things that only government can do and those it does well. For instance, we needed the Civil Rights Act. It wasn’t perfect by any means but it enabled the average citizen to reject raciest practices such as segregation of public establishments. Prior to this law, a small business couldn’t integrate because of the community backlash. The law gave business an excuse to do what was right.
And we need a national defense establishment, as well as some other concerns, mainly the ones granted in the Constitution. But we also need a citizenry that jealously guards their individual rights and objects to the enactment of laws that abridge those rights.
For instance, we don’t need a law to dictate how much water a toilet uses or whether we buy an incandescent or fluorescent light bulb. Both of those issues were being decided by cost and efficiency before the government stepped in and mandated inefficient, wasteful solutions.
~
But today, our most important need is for citizens to quit being stupid. Just as our email inboxes are filled with “spam” because a percentage of people are dumb enough to respond to it. Our congress is filled with crooks and incompetents because a large percentage of folks don’t take the time to investigate a candidate and the issues but instead respond to the political “spam” of TV attack ads.
Like Gibbs in NCIS, we need someone to swat the voters on the back of the head when they do stupid stuff. And that someone is you. Talk to your friends about the issues. Help educate folks on the candidates. Eventually, we’ll get an educated electorate. In the meantime, if your congress person does something stupid ... recall the idiots and put someone else up there. We need a “Darwin” method of getting rid of corrupt incompetents and replacing them with folks who will help us instead of themselves. ~~~~~
Memorial Day - - We spent more time thinking about Memorial Day this year than we have for some time. One reason was our youngest grandsons were visiting and we took time to explain what was going on to them.
Vanessa took them to the ceremony in Minden. She reminded me that I’d taken her to the dedication of Columbia County’s war memorial where she met David Wideman. Speaking of David, here’s a posting by another navy man.
~
This wasn't sent to me by another person or list, nor was it found posted elsewhere. It's just a few thoughts about a holiday which is special to me. It's one of those few times when I share something serious instead of humorous. -Tom

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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GCF: Memorial Day 2009

The joke for today has been sent. I want to be serious for a moment and talk about the holiday which will be celebrated here in the United States on Monday.

Memorial Day is on the last Monday in May and honors those men and women who lost their lives serving their country. What we celebrate as Memorial Day today began at the end of the Civil War. Family members of the many soldiers slain in battle would visit the grave sites of their fallen relatives or friends and decorate the graves with flowers.

On May 5, 1868, General John Logan proclaimed this day a holiday through his General Order No. 11. The day was entitled Decoration Day and was first observed on May 30, 1868. The northern states celebrated this day every year, but the southern states celebrated a day similar to this on a different day until sometime after World War I.

In 1882, the name Decoration day was changed to Memorial Day, and in 1971, Memorial Day was declared a national holiday to be held on the last Monday of May every year. Over the years it has come to serve as a day to remember all U.S. men and women killed or missing in action in all wars.

I am truly grateful for the freedoms which we enjoy today. Too often, we take these gifts for granted, little realizing the sacrifice which was involved in ensuring that these freedoms continue to be a part of all of our lives. Be honest, how many of us think of Memorial Day as just another chance for a three-day weekend? A chance to go the lakes or beaches or mountains? A trip to Disneyland or Six Flags or some other amusement park?

If you are here in the United States, please remember to display the flag, not just for the day but for the whole weekend. Let's not forget the real reason for having this holiday. The quote below says it all. Please take the time to read it.

Take care everyone.

Tom
(HM2, USN 65-69)

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"It is, in a way, an odd thing to honor those who died in defense of our country in wars far away. The imagination plays a trick. We see these soldiers in our mind as old and wise. We see them as something like the Founding Fathers, grave and gray-haired. But most of them were boys when they died, they gave up two lives -- the one they were living and the one they would have lived. When they died, they gave up their chance to be husbands and fathers and grandfathers. They gave up their chance to be revered old men. They gave up everything for their county, for us. All we can do is remember." -- Ronald Wilson Reagan – Remarks at Veteran's Day ceremony, Arlington National Cemetery Arlington, Virginia, November 11, 1985
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This time I wish to share with you a story I received a couple of weeks ago. It was relayed to me as a story from an airline captain about a recent flight.

My lead flight attendant came to me and said, "We have an H.R. on this flight." (H.R. stands for human remains).
"Are they military?" I asked.
"Yes", she said.
"Is there an escort?" I asked.
"Yes, I already assigned him a seat".
"Would you please tell him to come to the flight deck. You can board him early." I said.

A short while later, a young army sergeant entered the flight deck. He was the image of the perfectly dressed soldier. He introduced himself and I asked him about his soldier. The escorts of these fallen soldiers talk about them as if they are still alive and still with us. "My soldier is on his way back to Virginia," he said. He proceeded to answer my questions, but offered no words on his own. I asked him if there was anything I could do for him and he said no. I told him that he had the toughest job in the military and that I appreciated the work that he does for the families of our fallen soldiers. The first officer and I got up out of our seats to shake his hand. He left the flight deck to find his seat.

We completed our preflight checks, pushed back and performed an uneventful departure. About 30 minutes into our flight I received a call from the lead flight attendant in the cabin. "I just found out the family of the soldier we are carrying is on board," she said. She then proceeded to tell me that the father, mother, wife and 2-year old daughter were escorting their son, husband, and father home. The family was upset because they were unable to see the container that the soldier was in before we left. We were on our way to a major hub at which the family was going to wait four hours for the connecting flight home to Virginia . The father of the soldier told the flight attendant that knowing his son was below him in the cargo compartment and being unable to see him was too much for him and the family to bear. He had asked the flight attendant if there was anything that could be done to allow them to see him upon our arrival. The family wanted to be outside by the cargo door to watch the soldier being taken off the airplane. I could hear the desperation in the flight attendant's voice when she asked me if there was anything I could do. "I'm on it," I said. I told her that I would get back to her.

In-flight communication with my company normally occurs in the form of e-mail like messages. I decided to bypass this system and contact my flight dispatcher directly on a secondary radio. There is a radio operator in the operations control center who connects you to the telephone of the dispatcher. I was in direct contact with the dispatcher. I explained the situation I had onboard with the family and what it was the family wanted. He said he understood and that he would get back to me.

Two hours went by and I had not heard from the dispatcher. We were going to get busy soon and I needed to know what to tell the family. I sent a text message asking for an update. I saved the return message from the dispatcher and what follows is the text:

"Captain, sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. There is policy on this now and I had to check on a few things. Upon your arrival a dedicated escort team will meet the aircraft. The team will escort the family to the ramp and planeside. A van will be used to load the remains with a secondary van for the family. The family will be taken to their departure area and escorted into the terminal where the remains can be seen on the ramp. It is a private area for the family only. When the connecting aircraft arrives, the family will be escorted onto the ramp and planeside to watch the remains being loaded for the final flight home. Captain, most of us here in flight control are veterans. Please pass our condolences on to the family. Thanks."

I sent a message back telling flight control thanks for a good job. I printed out the message and gave it to the lead flight attendant to pass on to the father. The lead flight attendant was very thankful and told me, "You have no idea how much this will mean to them." Things started getting busy for the descent, approach and landing. After landing, we cleared the runway and taxied to the ramp area. The ramp is huge with 15 gates on either side of the alleyway. It is always a busy area with aircraft maneuvering every which way to enter and exit. When we entered the ramp and checked in with the ramp controller, we were told that all traffic was being held for us.

"There is a team in place to meet the aircraft," we were told. It looked like it was all coming together, then I realized that once we turned the seat belt sign off, everyone would stand up at once and delay the family from getting off the airplane. As we approached our gate, I asked the copilot to tell the ramp controller we were going to stop short of the gate to make an announcement to the passengers. He did that and the ramp controller said, "Take your time."

I stopped the aircraft and set the parking brake. I pushed the public address button and said, "Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. I have stopped short of our gate to make a special announcement. We have a passenger on board who deserves our honor and respect. His name is Private XXXXX, a soldier who recently lost his life. Private XXXXX is under your feet in the cargo hold. Escorting him today is Army Sergeant XXXXX. Also, on board are his father, mother, wife, and daughter. Your entire flight crew is asking for all passengers to remain in their seats to allow the family to exit the aircraft first. Thank you."

We continued the turn to the gate, came to a stop and started our shutdown procedures. A couple of minutes later I opened the cockpit door. I found the two forward flight attendants crying, something you just do not see. I was told that after we came to a stop, every passenger on the aircraft stayed in their seats, waiting for the family to exit the aircraft. When the family got up and gathered their things, a passenger slowly started to clap his hands. Moments later more passengers joined in and soon the entire aircraft was clapping. Words of "God Bless You," "I'm sorry," "Thank you," "Be proud," and other kind words were uttered to the family as they made their way down the aisle and out of the airplane. They were escorted down to the ramp to finally be with their loved one. Many of the passengers disembarking thanked me for the announcement I had made. They were just words, I told them, I could say them over and over again, but nothing I say will bring back that brave soldier.
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A final thought.....

Over the years the meaning of Memorial Day has faded too much from the public consciousness. From a solemn day of mourning, remembrance, and honor to the men and women who died in providing the freedoms we enjoy, it has been reduced to a weekend of BBQ's, shopping bargains and beaches where only token nods toward our honored dead is given, if at all. Too many don't know what the day stands for.

So, let's not forget those who made the ultimate sacrifice. They are remembered in all our prayers. Also, let's not forget a prayer for the safety of all service men and women, whether they serve at home or overseas. Finally, a heartfelt Semper Fi from this Hospital Corpsman is sent to all the Marines I knew. -Tom
~~~~~
To me, it wouldn’t be an issue about Memorial Day without a word from Joe Galloway.
~
Joe Galloway: A day to remember the price of freedom, 22 May 2009 - - By Joseph L. Galloway - - McClatchy Newspapers

Memorial Day is upon us, and for most Americans that means the first holiday weekend of a new summer. For most, it's time to dust off the barbecue pit or head to the nearest beach or hit the mall for the big sales.

For those who wear, or have worn, the uniform and those who love them, however, it means something different: It's a time to remember those who've fallen in defense of our country in the 234 years since the first American soldier died in a rebellion against a king.

During this time, some 43 million Americans have served under arms in our wars, 655,000 have died in battle and more than 1.4 million have been wounded in combat.

Our two ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have claimed the lives of 4,963 American troops, and 34,000 others have been wounded in combat.

Those are just the numbers, the statistics. Every one of those numbers has a face and a name. Every one leaves behind someone, often many someones, whose hearts are forever broken and whose lives are forever changed.

For those who've served and are of a certain age, Memorial Day is also a time to think of comrades and brothers-in-arms who answered their last roll call during the past year.

For our remaining World War II veterans, the days dwindle down to a precious few. Some of their veterans associations held their last reunion this past year; too few are left to gather again. Fewer than 5 million are left of the 15 million who wore the uniform between 1941 and 1945, and they're disappearing from among us at the rate of 30,000 each day.

The passing years also take their toll among veterans of the Korean War, the forgotten war, and they've begun to thin the ranks of those who served and sacrificed in Vietnam.

Two who died this past year left holes in the ranks of my own small brotherhood, the veterans of the battles of the Ia Drang Valley, fought in Vietnam at the dawn of our war there in November 1965.

Maj. Ed (Too Tall to Fly) Freeman died last August in his hometown of Boise, Idaho. He belatedly earned a Medal of Honor in 2001 for flying his Huey helicopter through a storm of enemy fire 14 times in one hot afternoon, bringing in ammunition and taking out wounded Americans.

His wing man and boss, Lt. Col. Bruce (Old Snake) Crandall, who received the Medal of Honor in 2005, was beside Ed's hospital bed that last week saying his goodbyes and continuing their half-century argument over which of them was the "second-best pilot in the world."

Early this year, Medic Randy (Doc) Lose, one of the survivors of the "lost" platoon of Bravo Company, 1st Battalion 7th U.S. Cavalry in the Ia Drang, was buried in the National Cemetery in Biloxi, Mississippi.

Doc Lose earned a Distinguished Service Cross for his actions in saving the lives of a dozen wounded men who were trapped behind enemy lines for over 24 hours. He was wounded four times as he crawled from man to man, plugging their wounds with C-Ration toilet paper after he ran out of bandages.

Doc never got over the experience. The Vietnam War killed him just as certainly as it did the 79 other men of his battalion who died during those three days in the valley of death. May God rest his soul and grant him peace.

Yes, for the 20 million living veterans of America's wars, old and new, and for the families and friends of the fallen, Memorial Day has a very special meaning, and it is a time for reflection and silent tears.

This Memorial Day, 2009, America is mired in two wars. The one in Iraq is supposed to begin winding down this summer, even as the other, in Afghanistan, is building toward a new crescendo.

We have a new President, Barack Obama, who was elected on a promise of change. For those few who wear the uniform of our country, however, nothing has changed. They continue to serve and sacrifice in wars in distant lands whose purpose and goals and eventual end are as fuzzy now as they were when they began in the dawn of this new century.

However you celebrate Memorial Day this year _ however happy or solemn the occasion _ spare a thought and a moment of silence in memory of all those who purchased your freedom with their lives, and of all those who defend it still.

If you are given to prayer, pray that one day our soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines will know true peace somewhere short of the grave.
~~~~~
America is not at war. The military is at war. - - America is at the mall, or watching the movie stars.
~~~~~
Each week the Defense Department highlights military personnel who have gone above and beyond in the war. [http://www.defenselink.mil/heroes/] - - David Hutchinson - - •Hometown: Brenham, TX - -
•Awarded: The Silver Star

On June 6, 2009, the 65th anniversary of D-Day, SPC David Hutchinson became only the fifth Army Reserve Soldier to receive the Silver Star. While deployed in Afghanistan, he was instrumental in saving the lives of 16 fellow Soldiers.

It was the morning of May 21, 2008; the weather was eighty-nine degrees with unlimited visibility.

The 420th Engineer Brigade Personal Security Detail unit consisted of 17 Army Reservists traveling in a four-vehicle convoy southeast on an ASR jeep headed towards Forward Operating Base Orgun-E.

Then-Private First Class David Hutchinson was serving as a MK19 gunner in the third gun truck when suddenly they were ambushed by determined Anti-Afghan Forces (AAF).

Approximately 15-20 AAF opened fire with an arsenal of rocket propelled grenades, PKM machine guns, and AK-47s. Hutchinson’s unit was also being attacked by sniper rifles hidden in the surrounding Afghanistan mountains approximately 50 to 70 meters away.

The AAF fighters were bold in their efforts to destroy the convoy by attempting to disable the lead and trail gun trucks with RPGs.

Three of the four trucks immediately engaged in combat returning suppressive fire. Being the aggressors, the AAF moved from cover into the open to engage the gun trucks under devastating fire provided by Hutchinson and his fellow soldiers.

The AAF had fire superiority until Hutchinson quickly assessed the PKM machine gun nest on top of a hill. This position was most lethal to Hutchinson and his fellow soldiers in the convoy. His fire was so effective in disrupting the AAF’s efforts to destroy the convoy that they began focusing their wrath specifically on him and his MK19.

Hutchinson stayed in his position under intense fire, placing accurate effective fire on the remaining enemies with total disregard for his own life.

Members of his unit later counted well over 100 bullet strikes on his turret.

Hutchinson expended an entire ammo can destroying a fixed machine gun position and killing no less than five enemy insurgents before he was seriously wounded by a RPG that entered the crew compartment of his M1151 High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle.

Shrapnel from the RPG hit his right leg and caused him to collapse from his gunner position into the crew compartment.

After collapsing from his wounds, Hutchinson observed that his First Sergeant was severely injured with gaping shrapnel wounds to the face and head. With total disregard for his own serious injuries and his right leg going numb, he calmly administered first aid to his First Sergeant. His actions controlled the bleeding as the convoy proceeded out of the engagement area.

When the MEDEVAC arrived, despite his own serious wounds, Hutchinson refused to be carried on a litter so that others could carry the wounded First Sergeant. This act freed other soldiers to provide security and reduced the time the MEDEVAC spent on the ground.

Hutchinson was medically evacuated out of Afghanistan with a serious leg injury after being in theater only a week.

His actions contributed to the safety of 16 soldiers and showed extraordinary courage, loyalty and selfless-service under fire beyond expectation.
~~~~~
Bug recommends . . . Kit Lange [http://www.thenextright.com/blog/200]
~~~~~
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.
~
Greetings,

The excellent reporter David Rohde has escaped his kidnappers. My latest word on Mr. Rohde came on about June 1 during a trip with Secretary Gates, when a very well placed source told me in Singapore that the Pentagon had no word on the whereabouts or condition of David Rohde. I first heard about the escape this morning subsequent an interview request to me from the Washington Post.

I first heard about the kidnapping in late 2008. The initial information came to me in Afghanistan from a source close to Rohde. During a subsequent trip in December with Secretary Gates, I asked a well placed source about the whereabouts and condition of Mr. Rohde. I was told that the information suggested he had been moved from Afghanistan to Pakistan. News about the kidnapping continued to leak, though mainstream outlets kept it quiet. I published a small paragraph several months later, in March 2009, but then archived the paragraph based on a request from concerned parties. Through the months, interesting information about Mr. Rohde has come my way but was always followed by a request to keep it quiet.

Welcome home David Rohde. [http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/21/world/asia/21taliban.html?_r=1&em]

I'm heading to Afghanistan tomorrow. Your support will be crucial. This war is just getting started.

Very Respectfully,
Your correspondent,
Michael Yon

Http://www.michaelyon-online.com/index.php
~~~~~
We’ve Watched [Ratings are my own]:

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2009 [5.5] Kevin James
Bride Wars 2009 [6.5] Kate Hudson ... Anne Hathaway
Great Expectations 1946 [8.2] John Mills ... Tony Wager ... Valerie Hobson ... Jean Simmons
Summertime 1955 [7.5]
2001: A Space Odyssey 1968 [9.0]
The Visitor 2007 [5]
Strangers on a Train: 1951 [6.5]
Outsourced 2006 [5]
Swing Shift 1984 [7.5]
Flawless 2007 [5]
Let's Make Love 1960 [6.5]
Strike 2006 [5]
Julian Po 1997 [5]
Murphy's Romance1985 [7.5]
Guarding Tess 1994 [8.0]
Chariots of Fire 1981[10] Nicholas Farrell ... Nigel Havers ... Ian Charleson ... Ben Cross
~~~~~
We’ve recently read; Fugitive : a novel / by Phillip Margolin.
First family / David Baldacci.
Heart of the game : life, death, and mercy in Minor League America / S.L. Price.
Sacred stone / Clive Cussler and Craig Dirgo.
We recommend: Heart of the game : life, death, and mercy in Minor League America / S.L. Price.
~~~~~
http://www.shelfari.com
http://www.shelfari.com/bugsbleat/shelf
~~~~~
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include my classmates and me at our 40th Senior Class Reunion.
~~~~~
We’ve now got several addresses on the web for "Da Bleat." For the latest issue, go to http://www.bugsbleat.blogspot.com. Last quarter’s issues can be seen at http://www.bugsbleat1q09.blogspot.com.
Our photos are posted at http://www.bugsbleatphotos.blogspot.com.
If you want to see photos of Last April’s train wreck in Magnolia, go to http://www.bugsbleattw.blogspot.com/
~~~~~
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
~~~~~
Dr. Pat Antoon’s Address:
Pat Antoon 06669-010
Federal Prison Camp
P.O. Box 9300
Texarkana, TX 75505
Be sure and keep him in your prayers.
~~~~~
Recipe(s) of the week - - White Chocolate Pie - - Source dLife - - Yields 10 servings
Creamy pie of vanilla pudding and cookie crumbs in a homemade graham cracker crust.

Ingredients
20 Crackers, graham, cinnamon, low fat, crushed into crumbs
1/4 cup sweetener (sugar substitute) (such as Splenda)
1/3 cup margarine, melted
1 oz Pudding, white chocolate, fat & sugar free, instant, serving
2 cup fat free half and half
1/2 tsp almond extract (optional)
7 Cookies, sandwich, chocolate, with creme, sugar & sodium free, coarsely chopped

Nutrition Facts
Calories 155.2
Total Carbs 22.8g
Dietary Fiber 0.5g
Sugars 12.5g
Total Fat 7.7g
Saturated Fat 1.3g
Unsaturated Fat 6.4g
Potassium 20.6mg
Protein 2.4g
Sodium 267.5mg


Dietary Exchanges
1 1/2 Fat, 1/2 Other Carbohydrate, 1/2 Starch

Directions

1 Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.
2 In a medium bowl, mix together the graham crackers crumbs, sugar substitute, and margarine. Press the mixture into the bottom and up the sides of 9-inch pan. Bake for 10 minutes. Cool on a rack.
3 In a medium bowl, using an electric mixer on medium speed, beat the pudding mix, half-and-half, and almond extract (if using), until smooth, about 2 minutes. Stir in the chopped cookies.
4 Pour the filling into the crust, cover with foil, and refrigerate until set, about 3 hours.

from dLife.com
~~~~~
Don’t forget to use GoodSearch [http://www.goodsearch.com/] when you search the Internet!
~~~~~
DarynKagan.com - - Students Donate Meal Plans; Get Life Lessons
This sure turned out to be a big learning year for UPenn freshman Ricky Oxenhandler. Like a lot of students, he figured out that he didn't want to eat every meal in the dining hall. Ricky, however, is one young man who figured out a way to do something with those extra meals: give it to families who need it. Watch Video >> http://darynkagan.demo.nimbussoftware.com/charity/stories/ch_090603_studentsdonatemealpalns.html
~~~~~
BreakPoint
Insight into Reality
By Chuck Colson
6/19/2009
Chesterton's 'Orthodoxy'

Go into any bookstore and you are sure to find books that insist that “religion poisons everything,” that faith is a “failed hypothesis,” and that God is a “delusion.” Readers are promised tools that will enable them to “break the spell” of religion, in particular Christianity.

What has been called the “new atheism” has become an important publishing niche. These books sold more than a million copies in a single year, making their authors quite rich.

But there is nothing really new here. The only thing that has changed from a century or so ago is the caliber of the atheist. In G.K. Chesterton’s time, the atheists included the likes of George Bernard Shaw, H.G. Wells, and Clarence Darrow—men whose way with words matched their way with an argument.

In books like Heretics, and especially Orthodoxy, Chesterton more than held his own. He achieved his goal of demonstrating that “the central Christian theology (sufficiently summarized in the Apostles’ Creed) is the best root of energy and sound ethics.”

Needless to say, this is a book you ought to read. But it helps to have a guide in your exploration of Chesterton’s ideas—and I can’t think of a better one than my friend Ken Boa.

Boa is correct when he describes Chesterton as an “extraordinary man who defended ordinary things.” Far from being a dry tome filled with lofty ideas, Orthodoxy is as practical and down to earth as it gets. That’s because, Boa observes, Chesterton addresses the one subject most writers and thinkers avoid: that is, who God is. Because once you get your thinking straight about God, that illuminates our thinking about the rest of life.

That’s why in Chesterton’s famous mystery novels, Father Brown always could solve the mystery. He understood God and the way God created us.

By addressing what others have avoided, Boa tells us, Chesterton acquired the “correct insights into reality” that made him a “complete thinker” whose works almost constitute a complete education in themselves.

As Ken points out, Chesterton anticipated the bad ideas and false worldviews that eventually would come to hold our culture in their thrall—relativism and what he called the “insane simplicity” of materialism.

He foresaw the weakening of the family, and that this weakening would pave the way for an ever-growing role for the state. He warned that the growing acceptance of birth control would inevitably lead to promiscuity and the widespread practice of abortion. He was right, of course, on both counts.

The alternative to all of this is Christianity, which Chesterton regarded as the religion most in tune with “common sense.” Is it the “best root” of “energy and sound ethics” because it sees the world and the people in it as they really are.

It was realism that was behind one of Chesterton’s most famous writings. When the Times of London invited leading intellectuals to write about what was wrong with the world, Chesterton’s contribution was a short letter that simply read: “Dear Sirs: I am. Sincerely, G.K. Chesterton.”

It’s difficult to imagine a more succinct articulation of the Christian worldview. Which is why Orthodoxy is one of the 10 best books I’ve ever read and ought to be on your reading list, and why Ken Boa should be your guide.

For Further Reading and Information
G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy.

© 2009 Prison Fellowship - - http://www.breakpoint.org/
~
Residents of Columbia CountyArkansas are represented in Congress by:
Senator Blanche Lambert Lincoln (D- AR)
Phone 202-224-4843
FAX 202-228-1371
http://lincoln.senate.gov/contact/email.cfm
~
Senator Mark Pryor (D- AR)
Phone 202-224-2353
FAX 202-228-0908
http://pryor.senate.gov/contact/
~
Representative Michael A. Ross (D - 04)
Phone 202-225-3772
FAX 202-225-1314
http://ross.house.gov/?sectionid=77§iontree=7677
Other states congresspersons can be found at: [http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/]
~~~~~
Words of the Week:
cosset: to treat with excessive indulgence; to pamper.
hortatory: serving to encourage or incite.
espy: to see at a glance.
pother: a commotion; a disturbance; also, a cloud of smoke or dust that chokes or smothers.
abstemious: temperate; abstinent; refraining from indulgence.
mores: customs; habits; ways.
oneiric: pertaining to or suggestive of dreams.
tergiversation: evasion; also, desertion of a cause, party, etc.
paragon: a model of excellence or perfection.
disport: to frolic; to amuse (oneself).
redivivus: living again; revived; restored.
megrim: a migraine; also, a fancy or whim; in the plural, low spirits.
prestidigitation: performance of or skill in performing magic or conjuring tricks with the hands; sleight of hand.
aver: to assert as true.
effulgence: the state of being bright and radiant.
salutary: beneficial; also, healthful.
gravid: pregnant.
prescience: knowledge of events before they take place.
nimiety: excess.
equanimity: calmness; composure.
depredation: an act of plundering or ravaging.
fillip: a snap; also, a stimulus.
pejorative: disparaging; belittling.
sagacious: having or showing keen discernment.
avoirdupois: weight; heaviness.
sybarite: a person devoted to luxury and pleasure.
taciturn: not inclined to talk.
venerate: to regard or treat with reverence; revere.
from http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/
~~~~~
“Don't bother much about your feelings. When they are humble, loving, brave, give thanks for them; when they are conceited, selfish, cowardly, ask to have them altered. In neither case are they you, but only a thing that happens to you. What matters is your intentions and your behavior.” C.S. Lewis - - Thanks to Janet Holiman Dickinson

"All of our final resolutions are made in a state of mind which is not going to last." - Marcel Proust

"No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor." - Samuel Coleridge

"To endeavor to forget anyone is a certain way of thinking of nothing else." - Jean de La Bruyere

"The greater intellect one has, the more originality one finds in men. Ordinary persons find no difference between men." - Blaise Pascal

"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it." - Henry David Thoreau

"Almost all rich veins of original and striking speculation have been opened by systematic half-thinkers." - John Stuart Mill

"There are people who believe everything is sane and sensible that is done with a solemn face." - Georg Lichtenberg

"The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye; the more light you pour upon it, the more it will contract." - Oliver W. Holmes, Jr.

"A neurosis is a secret that you don't know you are keeping." - Kenneth Tynan

"The inner fire is the most important thing mankind possesses." - Edith Sodergran

"I am extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end." - Margaret Thatcher

"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument." - William G. McAdoo

"Men are born with two eyes, but only one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say." - Charles Caleb Colton

"Patience is the companion of wisdom." - St. Augustine

"People, when they first come to America, whether as travelers or settlers, become aware of a new and agreeable feeling: that the whole country is their oyster." - Alistair Cooke

"You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question." - Albert Camus

"The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. Accept life, and you must accept regret." - Henri-Frederic Amiel

"The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority." - Thomas Huxley

"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook." - William James

"The mind's direction is more important than its progress."Joseph Joubert

"Man is what he believes." - Anton Chekhov

"To have doubted one's own first principles is the mark of a civilized man." - Oliver W. Holmes, Jr.

"Very simple ideas lie within the reach only of complex minds." - Remy de Gourmont

"Colleges hate geniuses, just as convents hate saints." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"To want to forget something is to think of it. - French Proverb

"A wise man will live as much within his wit as his income." - Lord Philip Chesterfield

"There is a kinship, a kind of freemasonry, between all persons of intelligence, however antagonistic their moral outlook." - Norman Douglas

"Our most important thoughts are those which contradict our emotions." - Paul Valery

"Dogma does not mean the absence of thought, but the end of thought." - Gilbert Chesterton

"Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively." - Voltaire

"It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish." - Aeschylus

"Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." - Oscar Wilde

"We are less hurt by the contempt of fools than by the lukewarm approval of men of intelligence." - Luc de Clapiers de Vanvenargues

"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought." - Alert von Szent-Gyorgyi
~~~~~
BREAKING CHRISTIAN NEWS
http://breakingchristiannews.com/

Father's Day Began from a Daughter's Admiration for her Father
Aimee Herd (June 21, 2009)
A single dad's devotion to his six children was the inspiration for this day honoring the role of a father.
Skeptics occasionally complain that some holidays' origins must be part of a marketing conspiracy by the greeting card companies. However, upon looking into the beginnings of Father's Day, I was happy to find that the holiday is routed in a daughter's desire to publicly honor her father, and his important role in his family.

According to several sources which agree, the idea to set aside a day solely to celebrate dads began in the heart of Sonora Louise Smart Dodd, of Spokane, Washington. (Photo: Inspirationline.com)

Sonora was the only daughter—with 5 brothers—of William Jackson Smart, a Civil War Veteran. Her mother had died giving birth to her last brother, and Sonora shared the task of helping her father raise his children as a single parent.

As the story goes, Sonora had heard a Mother's Day message, and wondered why there was no special day to honor fathers. She reportedly embarked on an ardent lobbying campaign to institute a Father's Day holiday.

According to sources, the first official Father's Day in Spokane happened on June 19th, 1910, with the help of the local YMCA and the Spokane Ministerial Association.

The special day caught on and in 1966, President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the third Sunday of June as Father's Day. Then, in 1972, President Nixon established a permanent national observance of Father's Day to be held on the 3rd Sunday of June each year.

310 2nd Ave SE
Albany, Oregon 97321
541-928-2642
E-mail editor@breakingchristiannews.com
US Orders: 1-866-358-7426
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GCF: The Sergeant

Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, John) -Tom

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
---------------------------------

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Drawing Blood

Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
---------------------------------

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn.

The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale

Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Vicki) -Tom
---------------------------------

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner ... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off ... to your advantage.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: A Woman's Week at the Gym

Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Nancy) -Tom
---------------------------------

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband gave me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god -- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other stuff too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Christo was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late -- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny girl to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that jerk Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say, if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Found Money

Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Victor) -Tom
---------------------------------

#1: "Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church."

#2: "Did you give it back?"

#1: "Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Oops!

Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Lena) -Tom
---------------------------------

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear," said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear," he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. " And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
_ ____________________________ _
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Be thankful we're not \ /
\ _/ getting all the government \_ /
/ / we're paying for. \ \
- Will Rogers
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Originality is the art of \ /
\ _/ concealing your source. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Dilbert is not a comic strip, \ /
\ _/ it's a documentary. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If the shoe fits, \ /
\ _/ it's ugly. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / A journey of a thousand miles \ /
\ _/ begins with a cash advance. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Any moron can write Haiku. \ /
\ _/ Just stop at the \_ /
/ / seventeenth syllab. \ \
_ ____________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | tellswor@slonet.org | \ \
_( (_ | http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor | _) )_
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_| ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
The first joke I can remember was the one every kid I met in Swifton told me the summer we moved there in 1959: We have a six-foot weevil in the cotton patch. The town of Swifton surrounded a five-acre cotton patch with an old dog-run house in the middle of it. In the house was a six-foot "weevil" - Branfort Wieville.

Daddy came home from work one night that summer and told us the history of the Wieville brothers. Branfort and Arliss Wieville owned half the cotton acreage in Jackson County in the 1920s. They were popular young men and often entertained at parties where Branfort played ragtime on the piano, and Arliss would sing, dance and tell jokes.

They were so good at entertaining that Arliss insisted they play Vaudville. Brantford refused, and so the two split their plantation.

Arliss sold his half. Played Vaudeville. Was a big success. He used his popularity to enter politics. In 1964, when we were living in Swifton, Arliss Wieville was senior senator to Edmond Muskie from Maine,

Branfort stayed with his half of the plantation, and it failed miserably. Drought, pestilence, flooding, late frost - anything that could ruin a crop - ruined the cotton on Branfort́s land. Piecemeal he sold it to pay for taxes and ended up with the five-acre cotton patch in Swifton.

But Branford did receive the international recognition that was never accorded his more successful sibling: everyonés heard of the lesser of two Wievilles.

Thanks to Chuck Jackson
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Are You Hiring?

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.

"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."

"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

Toy Computer

I was recently attending a birthday party for my mother-in-law, when my three-year-old grandson came to me with a Strawberry Shortcake toy computer that can help with spelling and some other things. He wanted me to turn it on for him. I opened it up, looked around for an on/off switch, and slid a couple of switches left and right, but it wouldn't come on. I gave it back to him saying that I couldn't help him.

He took the computer and gave it to the mother of the little girl it belonged to. She opened it up and pushed a button, it came on, and she gave it back to him.

I asked her what she had pushed to get it to come on. She replied, "On/Off." When I said I couldn't figure it out and I work on computers for a living, she replied, "I wouldn't tell that to anyone."

Received from Bob Maitland.

(-:][:-)

Are They Cheating?

/* Feel free to substitute your favorite rivalry. */

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest.

The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Vikings had caught 100 fish and the Packers had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Vikings had caught 200 fish and the Packers 0.

That evening the Packers coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." So the next morning he dressed one of his players in purple and gold and sent him over to the Viking camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked, "Well, how about it, are they cheating?"

"They sure are!" the player reported. "They're cutting holes in the ice."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

Cannibals Talk

Two cannibals were sitting around the campfire talking. One of the cannibals said, "You know, I can't stand my mother-in-law."

To which the other replied, "Then just eat the noodles."

Received from Ed Buckner.
~
Two Cannibals captured a clown. That evening, when they were eating supper, one said to the other; “Does this taste funny to you?”

(-:][:-)

Music To My Ears

I was a percussion major when I was in college, and during a rehearsal of the student orchestra, my section kept making mistakes.

"When you're too dumb to play anything," the professor conducting us sneered, "they give you a couple of sticks, put you in the back, and call you a percussionist."

A friend next to me whispered, "And if you're too dumb to hang on to both sticks, they take one away, put you in the front, and call you a conductor."

Received from Jim Lopardo.

(-:][:-)

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