Saturday, November 3, 2012

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: School Math vs. Household (Reality) Math

Volume 14, Issue 43 Friday, November 02, 2012

Annette preparing our yard for Tevin who is was coming to work in the yard. Yes, she also cleans before Brenda comes to clean house.

Ethan and Josiah find a better way to spend the afternoon (than staring at an electronic screen)

The Yucca plant Annette brought in from the cold. Now gracing our foyer.

Annette won this Mum at our last couples party. Verna and Gary Carter are truly gracious hosts.

Annette's Fall Porch Decorations. She's worked hard to use the small corner of our small porch.

Centerpoint personnel repair the path between our homes (under Annette's direction.) They had installed a new meter and left the path in poor condition. Annette got them back to fix the work.

Since the weather has started to cool, many of Annette's plants have moved in from the patio.

Tevin planting Annette's New Pansies.

Hello ALL,

What is joy? Well, for me today, it’s sitting at the dining room table, sipping a strong cup of Community coffee with “This Old House” playing in the background on the living room flat screen while I watch Annette put out the flag, check on her plants and straighten up her porch display of pumpkins, sweet potatoes and corn stalks.

We’ve had a few rough weeks (months?) We lost Mike, and both of us have had health issues. But, we’re both feeling better (both Annette’s back, my heart and my foot are much improved.) It’s nice to take a breather and just watch my beloved enjoy herself.
On the other hand there is no joy in the areas devastated by hurricane Sandy. The news is full of people angered by what they perceive as slow response by emergency management and the politicians. And there are many areas that have not yet been reached by basic supplies.

A major issue with the survivors is lack of contact from FEMA or misdirection. They have been told to go to the FEMA folks to get forms to file for help. But they can’t find the FEMA folks. Then they were told to monitor Twitter or the online website for up to date information. These folks don’t have a way to charge their cell phones, much less have cell coverage in their area. And without power or cell service it’s awful hard to monitor the FEMA web site.

I’m left to wonder; where are the FEMITES? I worked as a FEMITE after the major tornado devastation in central Arkansas years ago. We were charged with going into the devastated areas; personally contacting the survivors and helping them apply for aid. Do they still have FEMITES? Are they shorthanded?

Of course, I worked under the James Lee Witt FEMA administration. James Lee was probably one of the best if not the best FEMA director this country has ever had. He fostered an atmosphere of family among workers and believed in getting the job done for the folks in need. He made sure we did the paperwork, but didn’t object if sometimes we completed the paperwork after we helped the people.

And, I know that you probably haven’t seen any reporting about the National Disaster Medical Teams [] on scene, but those folks are there and working long long hours to help those in need. They don’t ask for recognition, just the chance to run toward the disaster, helping those who desperately need a hand. []

I strongly encourage you to pray for the Sandy victims as well as the emergency response personnel striving to help them.
It’s also been a tough this year as I’ve seen the loss of several former coworkers. J P Clark, Bill Cozart, Henry Fletcher, Gary Foreman, Rex Thompson, and Ed Woods all passed away this year.

Gary’s funeral is scheduled for 10 am Monday at First Baptist. His visitation will be from 6 to 8 pm at Lewis Funeral Home. His obituary is now up at Magnolia Reporter []. His death hit me pretty strong just because Gary was a great friend and a person you always liked to be around.

Gary was a very smart, hard working electrician who loved his family and loved his off time activities such as hunting, sports, reloading, etc. He had a great sense of humor which enabled him to withstand those at work or elsewhere who exhibited the need to have their own personal sign (thanks Bill Engdall.)

Gary also invested a considerable amount of his free time doing work for his church as well as others who needed his expertise. After retirement, you could usually find him having lunch or coffee with friends or hanging out at Olson’s Gun Shop if he wasn’t at home taking care of Mrs. Barbara’s Honey Do List.

God Speed Gary Foreman.
Annette has hinted that I need to concentrate on stories about someone else if I want to stay on her “good side.” I’ve learned to listen when this woman speaks so this week we’re sharing stories of the three Taylor musketeers.
Our free time was spent roaming the streets of the town as well as the adjoining fields and woodland. Required summer attire was shorts. That’s it. No shoes. No shirt. In the fall, we donned long pants, shirts and shoes but continued to play after school and on weekends.

The North West corner of grandmother’s home lot was graced by a HUGE pecan tree that we often played around. Being dedicated kids we also enjoyed walking to town (about a block) and getting a coke, some ice cream or candy. However, those items each cost a nickel and money wasn’t free as our parents often told us.

So, one fall day, after discussing several semi legal schemes to raise some candy and coke funds, we decided to harvest the pecans from around grandmother’s tree and sell them to the neighbors.

But our plan had one problem; few of the neighbors had any money to buy pecans. However, Miss Nobie, who lived on the corner by the highway. Had a fine home that had rooms you couldn’t even go in. We’d all been invited in her kitchen from time to time for a cold drink but none of us had ever been past that portal into the riches of her living room or dining room. We’d seen them through the door, fine furniture with a cloth on the dining table and dollies on the chair arms. But we knew better than to ask to go in there, much less actually go in. Surely anyone that could afford all that could afford a sac of pecans.

As we started to gather the pecans, we realized that the pecan tree in Miss Nobie’s yard was much more prolific than ours (or her pecans were still largely on the ground because there wasn’t a herd of kids there to keep them thinned.) So we decided to pick up Miss Nobie’s pecans and sell them to her.

We gathered a full sac (one of those little sacs they put penny candy in at Pickler’s store) and marched up to Miss Nobie’s back door to make our sales pitch. To our delight, she gave us a whole dollar for the sac of pecans and we headed to town. All of us got a coke and a cup of ice cream and a candy bar and headed home to sit on grandmother’s front porch and enjoy the warm fall afternoon and the fruit of our labor.

We were just digging into our bounty when grandmother stepped out and asked where we got the money for our “sugar feast.” We explained that we’d sold Miss Nobie a sac of pecans. “And where did you get the pecans?” grandmother asked? “From her yard.” We replied.

Wrong answer.

It seemed that it wasn’t polite nor Christian to pick up someone’s pecans and sell them to them. Dinah Sue pointed out that you could look at it as payment for our labor of picking up Miss Nobie’s pecans for her instead of selling them to her. This was soundly rejected by grandmother when she asked if Miss Nobie had asked us to pick up the pecans? We had to agree that she hadn’t asked.

Grandmother pulled a dollar out of her pocket and traded it to us for the change from Miss Nobie's dollar. Then she pointed us across the street and told us to head on over there and give Miss Nobie her dollar back.

On the way across the street, Charlie pointed out that if Miss Nobie refused to take the dollar back; we’d be home free and have our dollar and our sweets too.

Alas, it wasn’t to be so. Miss Nobie smiled when we explained that grandmother wanted us to give her money back. Then she took the dollar from us and put it in her apron pocket. Thus ended our first business. But we did get to finish eating the fruits of our scheme.
My thirty three years as a professional Safety Man didn’t just start in 1977. It began long long ago in a small town. I just always felt it was my duty to protect people. When we were building tree houses, I was the one pounding the nails flat so they didn’t stick out of the boards.

Why, once I noticed a stone sticking out of the ground at the base of the steps on the front of my Grandmother’s house. Now these steps led from the wide front porch to the front yard where everyone parked and I saw immediately that someone coming down the steps might trip over that stone and be injured. So, I got Grandmother’s giant silver serving spoon and dug the stone up and moved it around to the side of the steps where no one would trip on it.

Of course, being only five years old, I hadn’t totally thought the whole operation through from start to finish. I didn’t think of filling in the hole until my mom stepped into it and broke her ankle. Shesh! You’d have thought they would have given me credit for trying?
This week, Annette and I enjoyed "The Magic Of Belle Isle" with Morgan Freeman and Virginia Madsen. It’s a quiet little film that will leave you with a smile.
Favorite Quotes:

Men have feelings too.
For example,
We feel hungry.
The following wisdom is shared by our friends.
Lynn Cloud Barnhart - - Believing a Lie is more dangerous than a loaded Gun!
Sherrie Rogers Carter - - Whatever thoughts or words that are in your heart, at some time, they will eventually make it to your mouth.
Jim Ford - - In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing - Theodore Roosevelt

Those who want to reap the benefits of this great nation must bear the fatigue of supporting it - Thomas Paine
Nancee Davis Law - - People only do to you what you let them...

The measure of a person is not on how well they prepare for everything to go right: but how gracefully they stand up and move on when everything goes wrong.
Jimmy Malone - - Every step out of love is a step into sin. ~ Kenneth E. Hagin
David Ashby's Article: "Stock Market Returns in Election Years" - - Mustard Seed Financial - - Nov 2
Does it matter who wins the election? At least 90 percent of us by now probably have a strong opinion on that. We’ve certainly been presented with two polar opposites on the choice of candidates. Let’s narrow the question down a bit: will the stock market be affected according to who wins? You may be convinced for, example, that if your candidate wins, it will be good for the market and if the other candidate wins there will be a severe correction.

Certainly, this is a pivotal election and the closeness of the race creates uncertainty. Investors prefer certainty to uncertainty and this tight race makes investors nervous to say the least. Not only is there uncertainty about the presidential race, but also about tax law. As of now, late October, we don’t know what the rates will be for income taxes, payroll taxes, or estate and gift taxes come January 1. But heck, it’s only late October. Surely employers can turn on a dime and adjust their payroll withholding tables at the last minute. After all, they had to do it last year so they’ve had practice.

So back to the stock market and how it behaves in election years. What does the historical data show? Let’s look at results using the S&P 500. We have good data here going back to 1927, or an 84 year period. Taking all those years under consideration, it turns out that 24 years saw negative returns in the S&P 500. That’s slightly less than 30 percent. But what about election years? Election year returns seem to fare much better. 1928 was an election year and from that point forward we have had 21 elections, not counting this year. Only four of the 21 had negative returns, roughly 19 percent of the years. So election years appear more likely to be positive return years than all years in general.

Furthermore, election years also average higher returns. Election year returns average 11 percent while the long run average for the S&P 500 over the same period is 9.9 percent. One might speculate as to why this is. It could be that investors become somewhat exuberant over the promises made by candidates and bid up the prices of stocks. As Will Rogers once said, “If we got one tenth of what was promised to us in acceptance speeches, there would be little inducement to go to heaven.” We could modify that statement to campaign speeches instead of acceptance speeches based on what we’ve been hearing.

What about differences in Democrats versus Republicans? Of 20 completed presidential terms in the period, 10 are Democrat and 10 are Republican. Only 4 of the 20 presidential terms saw negative stock market returns over the 4 year period and three of those are owned by Republicans. That leaves 16 terms with positive returns, 9 being Democrat and 7 being Republican. So the incidence of positive return terms slightly leans toward the Democrats. What about the magnitude of returns? Is there any significant difference here between Republicans and Democrats? It turns out there is, though the results will surprise some of you. The average positive return for Democrat terms in office is 16 percent while the average positive return for Republican terms is 12 percent. Keep in mind that these return numbers are so high because we excluded the four negative presidential term periods.

The largest positive return occurred in the first term of the Great Depression, where stocks had been depressed to extremely low values. In FDR’s first term, the market was up 32 percent. If we throw out that term as an unusual occurrence, the Democrats still average 14 percent to the Republicans 12 percent.

You’ve probably heard it said that this is the most important election of our lifetime. And I really believe that to be the case. We’ve never had a $16 trillion debt before and it will catch up with us. Just ask Greece. Somebody has to deal with that situation. But in case your candidate doesn’t win, life will go on and so will the markets.

As we near the end of an intense campaign, I’m reminded of Reagan’s quote: “Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” I hope you are thankful you have the right to vote and that you exercise that right next week.

Published in the Texarkana Gazette on October 28, 2012.
Psa 7:17, 2 Cor 8:1-3, Mat 26:52-56, Acts 20:34-35
Recipe of the week: Lighter Chicken and Dumplings
From America's Test Kitchen Season 11: Dutch Oven Classics

Why this recipe works:

Chicken and dumplings make chicken pot pie look easy. There’s no disguising a leaden dumpling. One goal was to develop a dumpling that was light yet substantial, and tender yet durable. The other was to develop a well-rounded recipe that, like chicken pot pie, included vegetables, therein supplying the cook with a complete meal in one dish. Dumplings can contain myriad ingredients, and there are just as many different ways to mix them. We tried them all—with disastrous results. But when we stumbled on a unique method of adding warm liquid rather than cold to the flour and fat, our dumplings were great—firm but light and fluffy. The reason? The heat expands and sets the flour so that the dumplings don’t absorb liquid in the stew. The best-tasting dumplings were made with all-purpose flour, whole milk, and the chicken fat left from browning the chicken.
A stew as thick and heavy as pot-pie filling was fine for our forebears, but we wanted a lighter broth and dumplings that wouldn’t sink to the bottom of the pot.

Serves 6

We strongly recommend buttermilk for the dumplings, but it’s acceptable to substitute ½ cup plain yogurt thinned with ¼ cup milk. If you want to include white meat (and don’t mind losing a bit of flavor in the process), replace 2 chicken thighs with 2 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves (about 8 ounces each). Brown the chicken breasts along with the thighs and remove them from the stew once they reach an internal temperature of 160 degrees, 20 to 30 minutes. The collagen in the wings helps thicken the stew; do not omit or substitute. Since the wings yield only about 1 cup of meat, using their meat is optional. The stew can be prepared through step 3 up to 2 days in advance; bring the stew back to a simmer before proceeding with the recipe.

6 bone-in, skin-on chicken thighs (about 2 1/2 pounds), trimmed of excess fat (see note)
Table salt and ground black pepper
2teaspoons vegetable oil
2 small onions, chopped fine (about 1 1/2 cups)
2 medium carrots, peeled and cut into 3/4-inch pieces (about 2 cups)
1 celery rib, medium, chopped fine (about 1/2 cup)
1/4cup dry sherry
6cups low-sodium chicken broth
1teaspoon minced fresh thyme leaves
1pound chicken wings (see note)
1/4cup chopped fresh parsley leaves


2cups unbleached all-purpose flour (10 ounces)
1/2teaspoon baking soda
1teaspoon sugar
1teaspoon table salt
3/4cup buttermilk, cold (see note)
4tablespoons (1/2 stick) unsalted butter, melted and cooled about 5 minutes
1 large egg white


1. FOR THE STEW Pat chicken thighs dry with paper towels and season with 1 teaspoon salt and ¼ teaspoon pepper. Heat oil in large Dutch oven over medium-high heat until shimmering. Add chicken thighs, skin-side down, and cook until skin is crisp and well browned, 5 to 7 minutes. Using tongs, turn chicken pieces and brown on second side, 5 to 7 minutes longer; transfer to large plate. Discard all but 1 teaspoon fat from pot.

2. Add onions, carrots, and celery to now-empty pot; cook, stirring occasionally, until caramelized, 7 to 9 minutes. Stir in sherry, scraping up any browned bits. Stir in broth and thyme. Return chicken thighs, with any accumulated juices, to pot and add chicken wings. Bring to simmer, cover, and cook until thigh meat offers no resistance when poked with tip of paring knife but still clings to bones, 45 to 55 minutes.

3. Remove pot from heat and transfer chicken to cutting board. Allow broth to settle 5 minutes, then skim fat from surface using wide spoon or ladle. When cool enough to handle, remove and discard skin from chicken. Using fingers or fork, pull meat from chicken thighs (and wings, if desired) and cut into 1-inch pieces. Return meat to pot.

4. FOR THE DUMPLINGS Whisk flour, baking soda, sugar, and salt in large bowl. Combine buttermilk and melted butter in medium bowl, stirring until butter forms small clumps; whisk in egg white. Add buttermilk mixture to dry ingredients and stir with rubber spatula until just incorporated and batter pulls away from sides of bowl.

5. Return stew to simmer; stir in parsley and season with salt and pepper to taste. Using greased tablespoon measure (or #60 portion scoop), scoop level amount of batter and drop over top of stew, spacing about ¼ inch apart (you should have about 24 dumplings). Wrap lid of Dutch oven with clean kitchen towel (keeping towel away from heat source) and cover pot. Simmer gently until dumplings have doubled in size and toothpick inserted into center comes out clean, 13 to 16 minutes. Serve immediately.

Technique Tips - - No More Broken Sinkers. Here's how we lightened up our dumplings and kept them intact.

ADD AN EGG WHITE - Adding an egg white helps develop light-as-air dumplings that don't disintegrate.

LET LIQUID SIMMER - Waiting to add the dumplings until the broth is simmering sets their bottoms and keeps them whole.

CATCH CONDENSATION - Wrapping the lid with a towel absorbs excess moisture that can turn dumplings soggy.

Technique - - Best Parts for Broth

NATURAL THICKENER - The multiple joints in chicken wings contain lots of collagen that converts into gelatin during cooking—a better broth thickener than flour, which masks chicken flavor.

FULL O' FLAVOR - Pound for pound, chicken thighs impart richer flavor to broth than any other part of the bird. Plus, they require far less cooking time than eking the flavor out of a whole bird or carcass.

© 2012 America’s Test Kitchen. All rights reserved.
AskBob - Free Remote Access and Screen Sharing Tools - November 2, 2012

If you need to access your own computer or someone else's from a remote location, you probably already know about GoToMyPC, which is often advertised on radio and TV. GotoMyPC's remote access service costs $20/month. But did you know that you can do the same thing for free? Here's how...[]
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.

Painting the Target [].
We have lost more than fifty people to insider attacks this year, with no end in sight.
Afghanistan: Green-on-Blue Attacks in Context []
President Obama Fumbled Afghanistan - Please see why.[]
5 Smart Ways to Respond To a Blackout - This man always has something interesting.[]

Very Respectfully,
Michael Yon
Your Writer,

Please remember that this website accepts no advertisement and is dependent on your support.

PS Please sign up for my updates at "Michael_Yon" [] (not Michael Yon).
If you would like to encourage US Troops overseas, but are not sure just how to begin, visit for ideas.
~~~~~ - - How about some love stories to brighten your day!

Teen Sweethearts During Holocaust Reunited 70 Yrs Later - Imagine their surprise as they find each other living close by each other. Happiness at last. []

Broken Back Can't Stop Wedding - When Chad Dennis suffered a broken back the day before his wedding, doctors told him the big day would have to be postponed. He and his bride had other plans. []
ACC SmartBrief - - Misinformation about flame retardants threatens safety, experts say
Fire-science experts are questioning possible changes to California's fire-safety regulations for upholstered furniture, saying it could be dangerous and unprecedented to relax existing standards. "What's the evidence that flame-retardant chemicals don't work? ... Flame-retardant materials work when properly used," says Gordon L. Nelson, an author and past president of the American Chemical Society. A revision could be "the first time in the U.S. that the law lowers safety. That never happens. We always go in the opposite direction," says Marcelo M. Hirschler, a chemist and fire-safety consultant. Chemical & Engineering News (10/29) []
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include - - Ethan and Josiah enjoying their ability to "play" without electronic enhancements, Annette's fall porch display, Her plants now residing in our foyer, and the mum Annette won at our last couples party. Verna and Gary Carter are truly gracious hosts.
For the latest issue of "Da Bleat.", go to
Our photos are posted at
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
BreakPoint - - Get Your Church Involved - Volunteer for Angel Tree
By: John Stonestreet|Published: November 2, 2012

Chuck Colson always said that the Church’s task was to make the invisible kingdom visible. And your church can do that this Christmas.

How do people know when the Kingdom of God is in their midst? Most often, it’s when they see love in action. But how we do this needs careful thought.

I remember as a kid going with my family to deliver Thanksgiving turkeys to needy families. The families were genuinely grateful, but in so many homes, the dad either wasn’t at home or refused to come out of the back room. I figured, and it’s probably true, that the dad felt ashamed that the family had been given what he couldn’t provide.

Now these families needed the food and a reason to be thankful at Thanksgiving. But I always walked away a little sad, and even uncomfortable.

I thank God churches around the country step out of their comfort zone to do works of charity like food delivery. And I hope your church will be involved somehow this holiday season. But let’s be sure our good intentions don’t have unintended consequences of dividing family relationships, or even enabling destructive behaviors.

The Gospel offers a framework for helping others by clearly identifying the human condition and our deepest needs. In fact, the Apostle Paul described the Gospel and its impact most often by using “re” words like repentance, renewal, restoration, redemption, and my favorite: reconciliation.

Reconciliation has to do with repairing relationships that have been broken—both with God and with others. This Christmas, you and your church can make the invisible kingdom visible for families of the incarcerated through Prison Fellowship’s Angel Tree program. Angel Tree is about so much more than providing gifts. It’s about reconciling the families of prisoners, and we need your help badly this year.

Angel Tree is simple: Incarcerated parents sign up their children to receive Christmas gifts. Church volunteers in the name of Jesus, and on behalf of the parents, deliver these gifts. What makes Angel Tree so distinct is not only that children, many of whom would have no Christmas otherwise, receive a basketball or a doll. It’s because the gift they receive is from daddy or mommy. These kids know that even though mom or dad is behind bars, they are loved and not forgotten.

And for many men and women in prison, Angel Tree is their one shot to show love to their kids in a tangible way at Christmas. It’s no wonder so many of them begin attending Bible studies or worship services. They see what the Kingdom looks like, and they want to see more.

Chuck Colson loved to tell how hardened prisoners, moved by the love and generosity of Angel Tree volunteers for their kids, repented and embraced Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.

And the benefit for churches? If your church signs up to deliver Angel Tree gifts, you will see first-hand the fruits of the Kingdom: restoration, renewal, and reconciliation. You’ll see transformed lives.

To sign up your church or to volunteer, call 1-800-55-ANGEL. Or go to My wife and I just signed up our own church for Angel Tree this Christmas.

And I want you to hear more about the Kingdom work of Angel Tree. This weekend, listen to “BreakPoint This Week.” I talk with Prison Fellowship President Garland Hunt about the power of reconciliation. And I talk with the former bank robber who started Angel Tree almost 40 years ago, Mary Kay Beard. She’s an absolute trip, and she once decorated the FBI most wanted posters. Thanks to her vision, some nine million children of prisoners have received a Christmas gift through Angel Tree.

That’s on “BreakPoint This Week.” Come to, click on the “This Week” tab, and listen in.

But most of all, please, sign up your church for Angel Tree. Call 1-800-55-Angel.
Further Reading and Information []


Copyright © 2012 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved
Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:
Senator John Boozman (R_ AR)
1 Russell Courtyard
Washington DC, 20510
Phone: 202-224-4843
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314

Other states congresspersons can be found at: []

"Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor." - Francis Bacon

"To be capable of embarrassment is the beginning of moral consciousness. Honor grows from qualms." - John Leonard

"It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good-humor." - Charles Dickens

"Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness." - George Sand

"You don't lead by pointing and telling people some place to go. You lead by going to that place and making a case." - Ken Kesey

"Little progress can be made by merely attempting to repress what is evil. Our great hope lies in developing what is good." - President Calvin Coolidge

"Creativity can solve almost any problem. The creative act, the defeat of habit by originality, overcomes everything." - George Lois

Egyptian Christian Evangelist Packs Out Westminster - Peter Wooding (Oct 29, 2012)

"I believe that if the Believers unite together in prayer and commitment we could see a great revival. We need to stop running to the hills in white robes, but do everything we can to tell the world about Christ before He returns." -Dr. Michael Youssef

Read Full Story []
Huge Victory for Canadian Pastor's Freedom of Speech - Thaddeus Baklinski (Oct 29, 2012)

"This was a watershed case. Very important, in terms of freedom of expression and religious liberty. Going forward, it will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for religious or political debate to be found in breach of Alberta's current human rights laws." -Gerald Chipeur, ADF lawyer
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GCF: School Math vs. Household (Reality) Math

We all learned School Math, and we know that the results never change. For instance, 2 + 2 will always equal 4, and 10 X 10 will always equal 100.

While School Math is very useful, it doesn't always apply to real life situations because the world actually runs according to what you might call Household, or Reality, Math. Below are a few examples of story problems, with the answer according to School Math (what you would write to pass a test in school) and Household, or Reality, Math (what you need to know in order to function in the real world, and usually find out the hard way).

You volunteered to bring 6 dozen cookies to the school carnival. If the cookie recipe states "makes 5 dozen medium size cookies", will you have enough cookies if you double the batch?

SCHOOL MATH: Yes - doubling the batch will make 10 dozen cookies, you'll have plenty to take and some to eat at home.

HOUSEHOLD MATH: No. A cookie recipe that states "makes 5 dozen medium size cookies" actually makes 2 dozen very small cookies. You will need to triple the batch. Better yet, just pick up 5 dozen chocolate chip cookies from a bakery or your local warehouse store. No one will care whether you baked them, and chocolate chip cookies are always appreciated.

You have 4 people in your family, who each wear one pair of socks per day. When you do the weekly laundry, how many socks are you washing?

SCHOOL MATH: 2 socks per person X 4 people X 7 days = 56 socks in the hamper.

HOUSEHOLD (REALITY) MATH: 2 socks per person X 4 people X 7 days = 160 socks in the hamper.

If you ask the family, no one changed socks more than once per day; in fact, it takes vigilance to make sure your eight-year old son doesn't try to wear the same pair every day.

What’s puzzling about laundry is that the answer can change several times, depending on the stage in the laundry process. For instance:

Removed from the washer:
HOUSEHOLD MATH: 159 socks come out of the washer.

Removed from the dryer:
HOUSEHOLD MATH: 157 socks, which you fold and put in each person’s sock drawer.

In any given family member’s sock drawer on Monday morning:
HOUSEHOLD MATH: 3 socks, none of which match, one with a hole

It’s also interesting that what we consider to be natural "laws" can be very different in the world of Household (Reality) Math. For instance:

You clear the breakfast table and place the dishes in the sink. You ate a container of yogurt and an apple, your husband had only a mug of coffee and toast; your two children each had a glass of milk, one had a bowl of cold cereal and the other requested chicken nuggets with ketchup. You decide that since there are so few dishes, you'll do them by hand when you get home. Everyone leaves the house for work or school. How many dishes will be in the sink when you get home?

SCHOOL MATH: 2 spoons, 1 butter knife, 2 milk glasses, 1 cereal bowl, 1 Tinkerbell plate and 1 coffee mug = 8 dishes to wash up, no problem.

HOUSEHOLD (REALITY) MATH: 7 spoons, 3 butter knives, 2 milk glasses, 3 bowls, 1 Tinkerbell plate, 5 water glasses, 1 coffee mug, 11 forks, 4 saucers, 1 of your “best” china dinner plates that no one admits to using, 1 sippy cup and 2 plastic dinosaurs = 39 dishes to wash up and 2 dinosaurs to remove and ask a child to put away; Or, better yet, 39 dishes to put in the dishwasher and give up the idea of doing them by hand.

Your 12 lb. puppy uses piddle pads that state they absorb up to 16 oz. of liquid. According to the Vet Answerman website, a normal dog drinks 1 oz. of water per pound per 24 hour day. You’re leaving for work and will return in 9 hours; will one piddle pad be enough?

SCHOOL MATH: Yes, one will be enough. Even if the dog piddled out every ounce of water she drank, she could not create more than 12 oz. of piddle in a 24 hour day. You can expect her to produce around 4-6 oz. of piddle while you’re at work, and the pad absorbs twice that.

HOUSEHOLD MATH: You will need at least 4 piddle pads, placed in several strategic locations. Though the puppy drinks 12 oz. of water, she will seem to produce several gallons of piddle. Some of it will hopefully be on the piddle pads, but she will also piddle on the carpet, the new rug in the family room, the mail including the latest issue of your favorite magazine and a letter from the IRS stamped URGENT, and in the center of your bed.

Your husband proudly informs you that he can press 100 lbs. at the gym. Will he be able to remove his 30 lb. 3-year old from the neighbor’s newly poured cement driveway?

SCHOOL MATH: Yes, if he can lift 100 lbs., he
should be able to lift 30 lbs. quite easily.

HOUSEHOLD MATH: Well, yes, eventually, after the child has run up and down the driveway, sat down in the wet cement, covered his father’s pants and shirt with it and screamed till the neighbor comes out to see what’s going on. As any parent knows, a 30 lb. child who has gone limp with resistance weighs a lot more than any 100 lb. barbell.

A 1" x 1" Lego is lying in the center of a 10' x 10' room. What are the chances of you stepping on the Lego in your bare feet in the dark?

SCHOOL MATH: 1:14,400 chance = .006944% probability of stepping on the Lego.

HOUSEHOLD MATH: 99.9% probability, which is about the same chance you have of tripping over the cat who is able to see you stepping on the Lego in the dark and so can calculate the best strategic moment to dash in front of you in order to cause maximum chaos, the most entertaining language and the greatest damage to surrounding furniture, before retiring to the laundry room to calmly lick the underside of its hind leg.

Suppose you are the mother of 9 month old twins. You are dressed nicely and ready to go to a special event. It takes you 10 minutes to diaper and dress one baby. You are due to be there in 40 minutes and your destination is only 10 minutes away. Will you be on time?

SCHOOL MATH: Yes. (10 min X 2 babies) + 10 min drive = 30 minutes, you may even be a few minutes early.

HOUSEHOLD (REALITY) MATH: Not a chance. (10 min X Baby 1) + (10 min X Baby 2) + (20 min to find another clean outfit and re-change Baby 1) + (10 min to change your own clothes again) + (15 min to calm screaming meltdown and stuff resisting Baby 2 into carseat2) + (10 min to stuff wriggling Baby 1 who is determined to grab Baby 2’s pacifier into carseat 1) + (20 min to pack all the baby paraphernalia into the back of the car) + ( . . . You'll be late. Or, consider whether the trip is really worth it. If not, change into sweats, give each baby a cracker and start a batch of laundry.

So, do study your school math ­ you'll need it in the workplace, and you can also use it to add up groceries, subtract medical co-pays from your checkbook, count each child’s M&M’s so they won't fight over the extra one, etc. etc.

But keep in mind that the real world doesn't always follow the rules of math or science we learned in school.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Senior Safety

I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

Apparently, "Big Ones" was the wrong answer.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Basic Training

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march.

We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," he continued, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Children's Sermon

Yesterday at church, a lady from the congregation was presenting the children's sermon. She walked up to the front of the church and said, "May I have all of the children?"

As the children walked forward, several parents responded, "Yes."

One quick-witted father asked, "For how long?"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: On Company Time

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.

Worker: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.

Worker: I didn't get it all cut.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Parking Space Sign Language

After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Car Ads, Translated

Two tone paint -- Original color and rust.

One careful owner -- But the other nine were clumsy as anything.

10,000 trouble-free miles -- Crashed in the last 20 feet.

Heated rear window -- So you won't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter.

Very clean -- Only washed when it rains.

Clean interior -- All the rubbish is under the floor mats.

Immobilizer -- The gear shift comes off in your hand.

Anti-theft device -- I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap.

Drives beautifully -- in a straight line; the steering is all over the place.

Low mileage -- The odometer is on its third time around.

Full service history -- Charlie in the garage around the corner checked it over last week.

Economical -- Doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Dining Out

The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.

"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: St. Peter's Basilica

On a spring break trip to Italy, my friends and I were standing just inside St. Peter's Basilica, one of the largest Christian churches in the world. The tour guide explained, "This church is so large that no man on earth could hit a baseball from one end to the other, not Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron or even Mark McGuire."

My group stared in silence at the beautiful marble sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious mosaics all around the enormous building.

Then one tour member interrupted the silence with an astonished question: "You mean, they actually let them hit baseballs in here?"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Home Early

Little Dewey burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?"

Dewey said, "They let me go early because I was the only one who could answer a tough question."

"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked.

"Who threw the eraser at the teacher?"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Falling Fossils

Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.

One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.

That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Bass Fishing

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well ... a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who's behind you.

* The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When you quit and walk out, there's no door to slam.

* Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box all day long.

* 23 power cords - 1 outlet.

* The carpet has been there since 1976 (or older) and shows more signs of life than your coworkers.

* If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say, "What? I didn't hear you."

* You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Caught Stealing

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Little Brother?

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?"

"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: First Breakfast

The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first breakfast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.

"How was it, Honey?" she asked when he'd finished.

"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the whole, it was a good start."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Broken Ribs

Scene: Patient laying on a gurney with the doctor standing next to
him holding up an x-ray.

Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Patient: Give me the bad news I guess.

Doctor: The bad news is your x-ray shows that you have three broken ribs. The good news is we fixed it with Photoshop.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Water Leak

A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747.

A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?"

Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up."

With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: The Wedding Dress

When my sister got married, she asked to wear our mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time, I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame.

Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her. "Don't cry, remember you're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a son."

"That's not why I'm crying. I used to fit into that dress!"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Cuisine

Stationed with the Army near Tokyo, I taught a conversational English class to a group of Japanese businessmen.

Wishing to acquaint me with their cuisine, my class took me to dinner at a local restaurant. I've never enjoyed seafood, and my hosts noticed my lack of enthusiasm when the odd assortment of raw and cooked fish was served.

Intent on saving the evening, one man asked if I'd like a pizza. I accepted with delight.

Soon a smiling waitress came to our table and placed before me a large, hot pizza - piled high with squid.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Sales Pitch

An eager salesman was trying to have a country storekeeper carry his product, and finally tried to bribe the fellow with a bottle of champagne.

"Oh, my conscience wouldn't let me take such a gift," the business owner protested.

"What if I sell it to you for a dime?" asked the salesman.

"In that case," replied the man, "I'll take two."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Missteps

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised and bleeding and had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally, for my child.

My fears were alleviated, though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Bank Loan

Wanting to borrow some money to make a six-month tour of Europe, a man went to the bank where he had done business for years. The bank refused the loan.

He went to another bank and obtained the loan without any difficulty. Then he bought a five pound fish, had it wrapped, and put it in his safe deposit box at the first bank as he joyfully left for his six month vacation.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Job Perks

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but asking why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Car Problems

Sandra was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection, and the traffic behind her starting growing.

The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Sandra continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Sandra got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her.

"I can't seem to get my car started," Sandra said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on the horn for you."
_ _______________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
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Stuffed Pockets

A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters.

Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where did you get all that money?"

"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

Received from


Perfect Pet

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay. I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.

By this point, the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it, and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?"

The centipede says, "I'm going! I'm going! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

Received from


A Halloween Fairy Tale

There lived a man who was very unhappy because he was deeply in love with a girl who didn't know he was alive. In desperation, he visited a coven of witches who lived nearby and presented his case before them.

Touched by his tale of woe, and impressed with the young man's appearance, manner, and bearing, they decided to help him. They worked their magic and eventually presented the young man with several small objects that looked like capsules. "Bury these under the window of your beloved under a full moon and she will love you," they instructed.

Doubtful, the young man resolved nevertheless to do as the witches instructed. On the very next full moon, he stealthily made his way over to his beloved's house and carefully buried the capsules in the rich loam beneath her window. Nothing happened right away, but, trusting the wisdom of the old ladies, he went home to see what the next day would bring.

The next morning, he walked hopefully over to the girl's house and rang her doorbell. She opened the door, saw it was him, and grabbed him. She hugged him, kissed him, and invited him in for lunch. Their courtship was short but passionate, and within a month they were happily married.

Late one night after they had been married, the young man visited the coven again. "I just want to thank you ladies for your help. My life is everything I could have desired."

"No problem, dearie," said one of the old ladies. "After all, nothing says lovin' like something from the coven, and pills buried says it best."

Received from C Addy.


Smart Lad

My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15-year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang, and the boy's mother reached over to pick it up. After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside, turned to her son and said, "Your dad is asking if you've got any cute nurses."

The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready for insertion. "Tell him," he replied, "they're gorgeous."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Successful Ice Fishing

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all, while the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secret is.

"Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," is the reply.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," the successful fisherman repeats.

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."

The man spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "You've got to keep your worms warm."

Received from


Economist School

An economist returns to visit his old school. He's interested in the current exam questions and asks his old professor to show him. To his surprise, they are exactly the same ones he had answered 10 years before!

When he asks about this, the professor answers, "The questions are always the same; only the answers change!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Cleaning Instructions

I bought a great new toilet seat recently.

On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Children's Sermon

During his children's sermon, our assistant pastor asked the kids, "What is gray, has a bushy tail, and gathers nuts in the fall?"

One five-year-old raised his hand. "I know the answer should be Jesus," he began, "but it sounds like a squirrel to me."

- from Rev. Richard E. O'Hara (via Reader's Digest)

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Son, Time to Get Up

About 8 o'clock one cold February morning, the young man was still in bed, sound asleep. His mother came into the room.

"Son, it's time to get up. You gotta get ready for church," she implored.

"I'm too tired. Leave me alone," he said.

"Son, you gotta get up and get ready for church."

"I'm not going to church. It's no fun! I don't want to go," he protested.

"Son, you gotta get up and get ready for church."

"The people stare at me! They talk about me behind my back! I don't wanna go to church," he protested.

"Son, you gotta get up and get ready for church."

"I'm not going to church. Give me one good reason why I have to go to church," he protested.

"I'll give you three good reasons: One -- it's Sunday. Two -- I'm your mother, and you'll do as I say! Three, you're the pastor -- it's your job!"

Received from Andychap.



A gentleman wandered around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approached a student and asked, "Excuse me, young man. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at?"

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone, he replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, dummy?"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Praying Boy

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD PLAYER..."

The older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.


Which Landing?

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Old Records

My friend's husband, responsible for the overall closing of a military base, was reviewing voluminous files. He found some old records that were of no possible value and sent a letter to Washington requesting permission to destroy them.

The reply he received read as follows: "Permission is given to destroy the records, but please make triplicate copies of them first."

- from Jeanie L. Sorensen (via Reader's Digest)

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Nursing Baby

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breastfeed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."

Received from Penny Bartnicki.



A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


She Don't Look So Good!

After examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, the doctor took the woman's husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither, doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook, and she's really good with the kids."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Old Man

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm just so in love with my twenty-five-year-old wife."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast and kisses me and tells me she loves me. At lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could want. And then after a gourmet supper, she gives ma a warm bath, and she cuddles up with me all night." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "Oh, I think I see. I bet you just found out she's with you for your money?"

"No," the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, "I forgot where I live."

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.


Old Age Is NOT For Sissies

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he
read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused. "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said. "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Received from Andychap.



Two accountants are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, the first accountant jams something in the second accountant's hand. Without looking down, the second accountant whispers, "What is this?"

To which the first accountant replies, "It's the $50 I owe you."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Nurse Pin

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several of nurses were wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified.

"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

Received from Sally Budack.



One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm and knocked. Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door. "Is your husband home, ma'am?" he asked.

"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn."

"Well, I've got something to show him, ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"

"Shouldn't have any difficulties. He's the one with the beard and mustache."

Received from


Road Closed

They've closed a road near where I live in order to repair a collapsed sewer-pipe. The construction workers have put up a sign saying:


But, since the actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, a lot of drivers go just to see if the road is *really* closed.

After they see that the road really is closed, they start making their way back. Their embarrassment is made worse by another sign right behind the ROAD CLOSED sign, but facing them on their return. The new sign reads:


Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Best Friend

Joe, the governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend. So, it was understandable that the governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job.

"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

Received from Steve Sanderson.


A Talking Horse

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey! Come over here, buddy!"

The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Were you talking to me?"

The horse replies, "Sure was. Man, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this stupid farmer bought me. Now all I do is pull a plow, and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money 'cause I can still run."

The jogger thinks to himself, "Boy, a talking horse!" Dollar signs start appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and finds the old farmer sitting on the porch. The jogger yells to the farmer, "Hey, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that broken-down old nag you've got in the field."

The farmer replies, "Son, this has happened before. You can't believe anything that horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky."

Received from Andychap.

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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Humor - -

Halloween Haiku (2012)
October 31st, 2012

Though schools remain closed,
trick-or-treat stash is untouched:
Halloween Sandy.

Hurricane Sandy
sure outpaces Halloween
in sheer spookiness.
© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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Two blonds were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.

"Do what?", asked Blond #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance _ 234_7371 (24 Hour)
Jail _ 234_5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control _ 800_222_1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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Interested in getting in touch with the Banner_News through e_mail? For the editor, For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events. []
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

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