Saturday, November 24, 2012

Bug’s Bleat - - GCF: An Irish Toast

Ethan tasting the fruits of his labor (why did he choose to eat the one he'd decorated to look like "PaPaw"?)

Josiah shows off his artwork

One of Annette's plants slowly starts taking over the living room

MCC's Prison Ministry Team (Annette, Sim Baily, Robert Davison and Jimmy Malone) leave for their monthly Wade Prison service

Ethan and Josiah decorating gingerbread men.

And last, What is It?

Volume 14, Issue 46 Friday, November 23, 2012

Hello ALL,

Did you remember to set your scales back 10 pounds Thanksgiving night?
In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these. - - Paul Harvey
Thanks to Joe Tudor
Speaking of trying times, Stephen Whalen shared the following with us.

NEWS FLASH!!! To all you Twinkie lovers out there, "Don't give up just yet!" It was reported on the news that most likely, our favorite cream filled delight is being bought out by a company in Mexico! Isn't that exciting??? Just think, Jalapeño filled Twinkies! And just maybe, not real sure at this point, but it's possible a new idea that will take the country by storm; "Spicy Twinkies with Guacamole Dipping Sauce" Now if that doesn't get your ole' taste buds a tingling, I don't know what will!!!!! LOL!!!!! ( I think I'll pass on this idea)
Annette is always one of the first people to read “Da Bleat”. She told me that she likes to see what she supposedly said or did the previous week.
Here’s a story from our cousin Shannon to kick off the Christmas Season;

“When I read this I thought it would be great for your newsletter. Hope you and your family have a great Christmas.” Shannon
The "W" in Christmas

Each December, I vowed to make Christmas a calm and peaceful experience. I had cut back on nonessential obligations extensive card writing, endless baking, decorating, and even overspending. Yet still, I found myself exhausted, unable to appreciate the precious family moments, and of course, the true meaning of Christmas.
My son, Nicholas, was in kindergarten that year. It was an exciting season for a six year old. For weeks, he'd been memorizing songs for his school's "Winter Pageant." I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd be working the night of the production. Unwilling to miss his shining moment, I spoke with his teacher. She assured me there‘d be a dress rehearsal the morning of the presentation. All parents unable to attend that evening were welcome to come then. Fortunately, Nicholas seemed happy with the compromise.
So, the morning of the dress rehearsal, I filed in ten minutes early, found a spot on the cafeteria floor and sat down. Around the room, I saw several other parents quietly scampering to their seats. As I waited, the students were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by their teacher, sat cross legged on the floor. Then, each group, one by one, rose to perform their song.
Because the public school system had long stopped referring to the holiday as "Christmas," I didn't expect anything other than fun, commercial entertainment songs of reindeer, Santa Claus, snowflakes and good cheer. So, when my son's class rose to sing, “Christmas Love," I was slightly taken aback by its bold title.
Nicholas was aglow, as were all of his classmates, adorned in fuzzy mittens, red sweaters, and bright snowcaps upon their heads. Those in the front row center stage held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of the song. As the class would sing "C is for Christmas," a child would hold up the letter C. Then, "H is for Happy," and on and on, until each child holding up his portion had presented the complete message, "Christmas Love."
The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we noticed her; a small, quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter "M” upside down totally unaware her letter "M" appeared as a "W". The audience of 1st through 6th graders snickered at this little one’s mistake. But she had no idea they were laughing at her, so she stood tall, proudly holding her "W".
Although many teachers tried to shush the children, the laughter continued until the last letter was raised, and we all saw it together. A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen. In that instant, we understood the reason we were there, why we celebrated the holiday in the first place, why even in the chaos, there was a purpose for our festivities. For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and clear: "CHRISTWAS LOVE" And, I believe, He still is.
Have you noticed the difference between men and women when it comes to handling money? Guys will arrange the bills in order of denomination and even make sure they’re all facing the same way.

Women will hand you a “wad” of bills out of the bottom of their purse.

I can’t help but feel that there’s some deeper meaning here, but Annette is reading this and I can’t comment any more.
Annette usually spends the first part of holiday weeks cleaning and decorating the house in preparation for our Holiday activities. By Tuesday, she’ll have the kitchen spic and span and the table set with her holiday dishes.

This presents a bit of a dilemma, since I still get hungry but there was no way she’s going to let me cook in the kitchen or eat off her decorated table before the family gets here. I feel like a guy dying of thirst in the middle of Lake Columbia.
Speaking of family, Vanessa was supposed to be named “Merry Ann.” A play on my mother and grandmother’s names (Mary) and Annette’s. But at the hospital, both of us came to the misunderstanding that the other had changed their mind and wanted to name her Vanessa.

It wasn’t till three or four days later that Annette asked me why I’d decided to name our daughter Vanessa. I replied; “I didn’t decide to name her Vanessa. I just went along with you when you wanted to name her Vanessa.” Annette said; “Well I didn’t want her named Vanessa. I thought that’s what you wanted.”

It seems like most of our lives have been like that. ... Mostly random chance in appearance but obviously God’s hand is there. Anyway, here are Vanessa’s comments on her name;
“Mom and Dad, I have been very curious about the meaning of my name. I have heard that Vanessa's meaning is "butterfly", but I didn't believe it. I found a website on the history and origins of names. I compared some of the definitions with Jimmy's men of the Bible book, and found it to be reliable.
This website stated: author Jonathan Swift invented the name, Vanessa. He arrived at it by rearranging the initial syllable of the first name and surname of Esther Vanhomrigh, his close friend. Vanessa was later used as the name of a genus of butterfly. (So that's why the baby name books decided to say the name meant "butterfly".)

At Books A Million, I found a butterfly guide that listed about six different types of butterfly in the genus Vanessa. My favorite is the 'Vanessa virginiensis.' It's very colorful with soft hues of blue, yellow, pink, brown, and gray.

On a website about Jonathan Swift, I read this: Jonathan Swift met Esther Vanhomrigh in 1708. She was 22 years younger than Swift, who nicknamed her Vanessa. In the poem 'Cadenus and Vanessa' from 1713, Swift wrote about her. In the poem, Swift said that the "graces" who served the goddess Venus, created Vanessa.”
Years ago when my old “B” Shift PL, Mike, was driving around the Magnolia Square, pulling a brine field “flare” trailer. When he veered left to clear the Courthouse, the trailer came off the hitch and headed south on Washington Street.

Mike hit the brakes, however there was nothing he could do but watch the trailer as it traveled on south. There was a car coming north, and when they saw the trailer wobbling down the street, they stopped and started honking their horn, presumably to warn the unmanned trailer.

I don’t know if the trailer didn’t hear the honking or if it attracted the trailer, but in any case, the trailer rolled straight into the car. After the impact, the driver finally stopped honking.
A friend told Vanessa;

“My husband refused to learn how to operate a computer. I tried to get him to realize how important it is, since all our financial records are stored on disks.

What if something happens to me? I asked him. You wouldn't know what our assets are.

Honey, he replied, if something happens to you, I wouldn't need any money.”
Chances are you will overeat and have indigestion during the holiday season. A new study shows you are not alone. In a study of 1000 American adults it was determined that 66% had heartburn most often on Thanksgiving and Christmas. These holidays seem to be a 24-hour food fest. The more you eat the more acid your stomach produces, increasing your chances of heartburn. It's not just how much you eat, but also the food choices you make, that increase your risk. Rich foods such as pecan pie, creamed vegetables, cookies, etc. tend to loosen the valve that keeps acid where it belongs. Chocolate, alcohol and citrus can also affect the valve that keeps acid out of your esophagus. If you do over indulge don't recline right away or bend over a lot. Avoid the couch and recliner. Gravity is your friend! Staying upright helps keep stomach acid where it belongs. Try helping with the clean up or taking a walk, just stay on your feet. Holidays are stressful. Stress unsettles your GI tract and may contribute to heartburn. Keep your holiday expectations realistic.
Favorite Quotes:

"When the almighty made women, he made a strange creature. They have to cry to be happy and they all have to go to the bathroom together." - Phil Robertson
The following wisdom is shared by our friends.
Jesus loves you. For real, though. ~ Sim Bailey
Nancee Davis Law
If you invite trouble, don't complain when it accepts.

The best place to look for someone to make you happy is in the mirror! Accept who you are and be content. God made you who you are.

We have two choices in life; we can complain about things we don't have or be thankful for things we do have.
Jimmy Malone
Josiah prayed tonight that he would not have another bad day like when he cried because Alabama beat LSU. Even so, Lord Jesus...
River Jordan Rice
OK, I’m not saying I'm Batman...all I'm saying is no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room together!
Lisa Ivey Wooten
Thankful for a God who has always patiently worked in my life, sometimes without my cooperation.
MCC's prison ministry hosted a total of 60 people Monday night, November 19. Sim Bailey spoke on “Not Leaving Your First Love” and the prisoner praise and worship team was AWSOME. Brother Jimmy Malone greeted the men and read the night’s scripture.
At the end of Brother Sim’s teaching, eight men came forward for prayer to come back to their first Love of The Lord.
The MCC Prison Ministry team includes Brother Robert Davison, Sister Annette McClellan, and Sister Verna Carter. Brother Sim Bailey, and Pastor Jimmy Malone of the Mission Church are also vital team members.
MCC’s meetings at Wade prison regularly have 2 to 4 times as many inmates attending as the other groups. This is probably due to their use of humor, love, and WORD based teaching.
We’re very appreciative of the guard who stays after her 12 hour shift to enable us to have these meetings. Without her sacrifice, MCC’s team would be hard pressed to have successful meetings.
Please don’t forget to pray for this team and their work. God is making a difference through them.
Also this season, as every Christmas, the team welcomes donations to help defray the costs of the annual Christmas party, scheduled for Monday, December 17. Last year 125 men out of a possible 150 attended the Christmas Party.
Mustard Seed Financial - - Do Bi-Weekly Mortgage Payments Add Up?

You might have heard about this idea before. Assume you borrow $150,000 at 4 percent for a 30 year period. Your monthly mortgage payment comes out to be $716. However, instead of making the regular $716 mortgage payment each month, you make payments of $358, half that amount, every two weeks. This means you make a total of 26 payments a year, which equates to 13 monthly payments or one extra payment per year. Does this make any difference in the long run? Yes, actually, it does. The bi-weekly payment pattern can result in the mortgage note getting paid off 6 to 8 years earlier, depending on the interest rate! So if you bought a house at age 25, instead of having the note paid off at age 55, you might have the debt gone at age 47 or so. That’s that many years sooner that you could redirect payments to a retirement account or some other resource. Plus, by paying the note off early, you saved thousands in interest payments.

So why does the bi-weekly mortgage work? Besides the extra payment each year, by paying every two weeks the mortgage company gets the funds quicker, so not as much interest has accrued and more of your payment goes to principal. While this may save you only a few bucks a month in interest initially, over time those differences add up to significant savings in total interest payments made.

A bi-weekly mortgage payment works well for employees who get paid every two weeks, resulting in more level budgeting. What if you are paid semi-monthly and make a payment twice a month. That still works but in this case you aren’t making an extra payment as in the bi-weekly payment system. So the effects are not as dramatic. But semi-monthly payments can still knock a few years off a 30 year mortgage.

What if neither system fits your schedule because you are paid on a monthly basis? There’s still an opportunity for you to shave time off the mortgage by simply making an extra payment that gets applied to the principal. Returning to the earlier case of the $150,000 mortgage at 4 percent, if you tack an extra $25 on to the payment each month, the payoff goes from 30 years down to 28 years. An extra $50 would reduce it to 26.5 years. You can examine different scenarios yourself by using an online mortgage calculator such as the one found at

Are there any downsides to prepaying your mortgage? There can be. First, mortgage interest on your home is generally tax deductible, within limits, if you itemize deductions. If your income tax rate is 25 percent, that means a 4 percent mortgage has an effective after tax cost to you of only 3 percent (75 percent of 4 percent). That’s pretty cheap money by most standards. If you can invest funds in other sources and earn a better return, you may want to consider that rather than paying extra on the mortgage. If paying extra on a mortgage keeps you from funding a Roth IRA account, consider that alternative carefully. It’s nice to get the mortgage paid off early but it’s also nice to have a basket of tax free funds available in retirement.

Mortgage service units may also charge fees for enrolling and processing the extra payments. author Dana Dratch reports that four of the five largest mortgage servicers do charge such fees, which eat away at the assumed savings. So be sure to check the fees that may apply to your situation.

If you are in the process of getting a new mortgage in the near future, either because of a purchase or a refinance, consider a 15 year mortgage instead of a 30 year mortgage. Rates on 30 year mortgages at are averaging 3.43 percent this week. But the rate on a 15 year mortgage is only 2.82 percent. There is normally about a one half percent spread between 15 and 30 year mortgages. With the shorter mortgage, you get the benefit of a lower interest rate and you are effectively paying down the mortgage quickly anyway, without using the bi-weekly payment option. Again, you can use an on-line calculator to see if you can stomach the higher payments.

Even in today’s world of cheap interest rates, there is money to be saved with a disciplined prepayment plan and its worth your time to investigate the options.

Published in the Texarkana Gazette on November 11, 2012.
AskBob - - Bob Rankin - - Which AntiVirus Has the Best (and Worst) Protection?

Internet security suites have become exceedingly complex over recent years. That’s partly due to the ever-increasing number of vectors via which hackers and malware attack. It’s also due to feature-bloat, as anti-virus vendors add new bells and whistles to differentiate their products. But one bedrock feature of a security suite remains the same: how well does it detect virus-infected files? Here are some real-world test results you won't want to miss...

Continue reading Which AntiVirus Has the Best (and Worst) Protection? // Got Computer Questions? Ask Bob Rankin for Free Tech Support. []
Job 8:5-7, Matthew 5:43-47, Matthew 27:12-14
We didn’t produce our annual “Party Mix” last year due to moving into our new home. This year production is still up in the air. Maybe we will and maybe we won’t. But, if you'd like to make your own, here's our version of the recipe.


6 to 8 tablespoons butter (I use 1 stick)
(at least) 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 ½ (or more) teaspoons seasoned salt
3/4 teaspoon garlic powder
½ teaspoon onion powder
½ (or more) teaspoon chili powder
2 or 3 cups Corn Chex® cereal
2 or 3 cups Rice Chex® cereal
1 to 3 cups Wheat Chex® cereal
1 or 2 cups mixed nuts
1 or 2 cup bite-size pretzels
1 to 3 cups "Bugles" funnel shaped snack chips

[As you note above, I vary the amount of the ingredients. Just make sure that your total amount of cereal, nuts, pretzels, chips, etc is around 12 cups. That will match up your spices and other ingredients.]

Preparation Directions:
1. Heat oven to 250̊F. In ungreased large roasting pan (I use a large “turkey” roasting pan), melt butter in oven. Stir in seasonings (including the Worcestershire sauce.) Gradually stir in remaining ingredients until evenly coated.
2. Bake 1 hour, stirring every 15 minutes. Spread on paper towels to cool, about 15 minutes. Store in an airtight container.

If you want the official recipe without my changes, you can find it at []
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.

[Re: Gaza and Israel] From a distance, it can be hard to know who is wrong or right, or if all parties are wrong/right, etc., etc. But from up close, you know you can travel in Israel without problems, or concern for being kidnapped by Israelis. And their freedom of speech and to travel is pretty doggone broad. Can that be said for the neighbors?

Interesting technology to link bullet with target.

Very Respectfully,
Michael Yon
Your Writer,

Please remember that this website accepts no advertisement and is dependent on your support.

PS Please sign up for my updates at "Michael_Yon" [] (not Michael Yon).
If you would like to encourage US Troops overseas, but are not sure just how to begin, visit for ideas.
Please remember ... America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the MALL.
~~~~~ - - Barbara Bush and Her "Angel Daughter" in Heaven - - Teresa Neumann (Nov 23, 2012)

"Robin to me is a joy. She's like an angel to me. She's not a sadness or a sorrow. Those little fat arms around my neck … She's still with us. We need her and yet we have her. We can't touch her, and yet we can feel her." -Former First Lady, Barbara Bush

Barbara Bush and Robin (New York, NY)—Former first lady Barbara Bush was recently interviewed by her granddaughter Jenna Hager on the Today Show. In the interview, she spoke candidly about losing her little daughter Robin to leukemia decades ago. (Photo: Robin and Barbara Bush)

Mrs. Bush shared of the horror she and her husband, former president George H. W. Bush (called "Gampy" by their grandchildren), experienced when the doctor first told them in 1949 that 3-year-old Robin only had a few weeks to live.

Actually, Robin died seven months later, so peacefully that Mrs. Bush said: "[Robin] was quiet and gentle, and she had lovely little blond curls. I was combing her hair and holding her hand [and] I saw . . . her spirit go."

The former first lady also noted that her husband said recently that when he passes away it will be his daughter Robin who he will see first.

GW Bush and Robin St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital was founded about ten years after Robin Bush's death, and advances since then have given children today with the disease a 90 per cent survival rate. (Photo: Robin Bush and George W./Today Show)

Said Mrs. Bush: "What on earth could be better in the eyes of God than a hospital that saves children's lives? George and I do talk about it. Maybe more recently in the last two or three years than before. We're getting older and . . . and Robin to me is a joy. She's like an angel to me. She's not a sadness or a sorrow. Those little fat arms around my neck."

"She's still with us," she added. "We need her and yet we have her. We can't touch her, and yet we can feel her."

Source: Today Show

ACC: Natural gas to be world's leading fuel by 2030, IEA report says
The U.S. is expected to begin exports of natural gas by 2018, while the fuel will overtake oil as the world's most-produced fossil fuel by 2030, the International Energy Agency said in a report. "Before we get too excited about the report, it's worth remembering that IEA's numbers have long been suspect," writes Loren Steffy. Bloomberg (11/12) [], Los Angeles Times (tiered subscription model) (11/13), Houston Chronicle/Loren Steffy blog (11/12), Business Insider (11/12)
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include - - Ethan tasting the fruits of his labor (why did he choose to eat the one he'd decorated to look like "PaPaw"?), Josiah shows off his artwork, One of Annette's plants slowly starts taking over the living room, MCC's Prison Ministry Team (Annette, Sim Baily, Robert Davison and Jimmy Malone) leave for their monthly Wade Prison service, Ethan and Josiah decorating gingerbread men. And last, What is It?
For the latest issue of "Da Bleat.", go to
Our photos are posted at
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
BreakPoint - - BreakPoint's Youth Reads Book List
Find the Perfect Gift
By: John Stonestreet|Published: November 23, 2012 7:00 AM
Topics: Books, Colson_Links, Stonestreet_Links, Youth Issues

Right now, many of us are in the throes of buying Christmas gifts for our loved ones. And I say “throes” advisedly. It’s become a cliché to say that Christmas has become too commercialized. And just reading the newspaper about the near riots on Black Friday over things like waffle irons and electronic games, it’s enough to make me want to skip buying presents all together.

But, I’ve got to admit, I’ve always had a soft spot for the grandkids. When they were young, I didn’t want them thinking Grandpa was a scrooge, but at the same time I didn’t want to spoil them either. Once they were grown, however, we started giving them meaningful gifts—like donations to Angel Tree in their names.

So if your younger children or grandchildren or teenagers are expecting Christmas gifts from you, what are you going to do? Sure, the newest gadget or toy will titillate them for a little while. And they will also soak up otherwise valuable hours and, in most cases, leave them with little of lasting value.

Wouldn’t you rather give kids a gift that will reflect what you want them to become? Gifts that will shape their minds, their hearts, and their character?

That’s why I've always liked giving good books as Christmas gifts.

But when buying books for younger children and teens nowadays, adults can quickly run into some big problems. You may not even know what to look for—or what to avoid.

As I’ve said before, the Young Adult section of your local bookstore can be a pretty daunting place these days. Most people want their kids to read, but an increasing number of us are worried about the dark themes and messages and the generally inappropriate content that permeate so many teen books.

Well, I’ve got good news for you. The book reviewers at our Youth Reads page here at have produced a new list of “books to buy your kids for Christmas.”

If there’s a young person in your life aged anywhere from 9 years to 18 years, you’re going to want to go to the website,, and take a look at our list. It’s full of books that our reviewers have read, enjoyed, and judged appropriate for young people.

There are plenty of books on this list that will interest both boys and girls, and there’s something for those at different reading levels. There are lots of classics, including "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes," "The Screwtape Letters," "To Kill a Mockingbird," and "Oliver Twist."

And there are also several contemporary books and series as well. Some of the books are explicitly Christian, some are not; but all of them are good books that will fortify your child’s mind and worldview while providing entertainment at the same time.

With the knowledge you have of your kids’ tastes and what they are old enough to handle, you ought to have no trouble picking just the right gift from this list. And we’ve got links to help you buy them online, either from our own BreakPoint Store or from Amazon. And there’s nothing wrong with going out and supporting your local Christian bookstore either; that’s a good idea!

When you find the right book—a book that may even end up changing a kid’s life—it’s more than worth the effort. Which is why we’re here to help. So go today to and click on Youth Reads Christmas book list.

I hope you enjoyed hearing from Chuck Colson again. And he’s so right; what could be better than giving the important young people in your life a good book for Christmas—a gift for the mind and the soul? Our Youth Reads Christmas list for 2012 is ready and available at

Another great gift to help your family see through the glitz and the schmaltz of the shopping mall this Christmas is BreakPoint’s “He Has Come” DVD and audio CD teaching series. It’s all about the great hymns of Advent, and how they can help us to prepare spiritually and prayerfully to celebrate the birth of Jesus. That too, is available at
Further Reading and Information

Books to buy your kids for Christmas 2012 [] | November 2012

He Has Come: The Worldview of Advent DVD []
John Stonestreet | the Chuck Colson Center for Christian Worldview | December 2012

The Promise: A Celebration of Christ's Birth CD []
Michael Card

The Promise of Advent Special Gift Set []
John Stonestreet, Michael Card | the Chuck Colson Center for Christian Worldview | December 2012


Copyright © 2012 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved

Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:

Senator John Boozman (R_ AR)
1 Russell Courtyard
Washington DC, 20510
Phone: 202-224-4843
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314

Other states congresspersons can be found at: []

"Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

"He who is afraid to ask is ashamed of learning." - Danish proverb

"Adapt or perish, now as ever, is nature's inexorable imperative." - H. G. Wells

"To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; to be credible we must be truthful." - Edward R. Murrow

"Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; an argument an exchange of ignorance." - Robert Quillen

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was 'thank you,' that would suffice." - Meister Eckhart

"The purpose of life is not to be happy --- but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you have lived at all." - Leo Rosten
Breaking Christian News

Dying Man Finds Life in Dying Church - - Teresa Neumann

"There's been a lot of tears shed on these [church] steps, and they've been tears of joy, tears of pain, but tears of blessings too." -Greg Thomas

(Montgomery, MN)—When Greg Thomas was diagnosed with advanced Stage 4 cancer, his doctor told his family to start planning his funeral. That was three years ago.

What happened?

During the "dark nights of the soul" that Thomas experienced after his diagnosis, he began taking long walks in the country. One day, a sort of spiritual serendipity led him to a little church which had been built in 1868 by Czech settlers, but abandoned for the last 100 years. (Photo: KARE 11 News)

As reported on KARE 11 News, "the foundation [of the church] was crumbling, the paint peeling, but it was there on the church steps, a man crumbling himself came to pray."

Subsequently, Thomas contacted the foundation responsible for the upkeep of the church cemetery and told them he wanted to repair the church. The foundation called Thomas' offer "a godsend."

Today, as Thomas works, he also prays inside the church. "There's been a lot of tears shed on these [church] steps, and they've been tears of joy, tears of pain, but tears of blessings too." (Photo: KARE 11 News)

Miraculously, as the tiny church's exterior was restored, it seemed Greg's body was being restored as well.

"The old church is newly clothed in white," narrates KARE 11 News' Boyd Huppert in a video report, "And Greg's cancer is now in remission."

"It's what He's done for me," Greg explains, referring to the Lord Jesus, "and this is my way of saying thank you."

Source: Boyd Huppert - Kare 11 News

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GCF: An Irish Toast

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A guy raises his glass and toasts his girlfriend. "May you be in Heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead!"

"What's that mean?"

"That is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. In that case, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"

"That's French toast."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: How to Cook a Thanksgiving Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Martha Stewart Thanksgiving (NOT!)

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

5. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

6. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table ... in a separate room ... next door.

7. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

8. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

9. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of you diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

10. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Frozen Turkeys

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Shades of Tanning

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective goggles I wore left a big white circle around each eye.

Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown."

I had almost convinced myself that I was over-reacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.

He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Professional Animal Trainer

As a professional animal trainer, I was disturbed when my own dog developed a bad habit. Every time I hung my wash out on the clothesline, she would yank it down.

Drastic action was called for.

I put a white kitchen towel on the line and waited. Each time she pulled it off, I scolded her. After two weeks the towel was untouched. Then I hung out a large wash and left to do some errands.

When I came home, my clean clothes were scattered all over the yard. On the line was the white kitchen towel.
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Lawyer Fees

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill,
replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: My Cat

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24x7x365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for a check-up, and during the year whenever any medical needs arise. For all this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses or responsibilities whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me: My cat is a Congressman!!
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Visiting Grandchildren

There was a grandmother who was so tickled to learn that her grandchildren were coming for a week-long visit that she put a $10.00 bill into the collection plate at church. When they went home at the end of the week, her joy must have been double because that Sunday she put a $20.00 bill into the plate.
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: The Folded Napkin - A Truck Stop Story

I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie. His placement counselor assured me that he would be a good, reliable busboy. But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and wasn't sure I wanted one. I wasn't sure how my customers would react to Stevie.

He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and thick-tongued speech of Downs Syndrome. I wasn't worried about most of my trucker customers because truckers don't generally care who buses tables as long as the meatloaf platter is good and the pies are homemade.

The ones who concerned me were the mouthy college kids traveling to school; the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their silverware with their napkins for fear of catching some dreaded "truck stop germ"; the pairs of white-shirted business men on expense accounts who think every truck stop waitress wants to be flirted with. I knew those people would be uncomfortable around Stevie so I closely watched him for the first few weeks...

I shouldn't have worried. After the first week, Stevie had my staff wrapped around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck regulars had adopted him as their official truck stop mascot.

After that, I really didn't care what the rest of the customers thought of him. He was like a 21-year-old in blue jeans and Nikes, eager to laugh and eager to please, but fierce in his attention to his duties. Every salt and pepper shaker was exactly in its place, not a breadcrumb or coffee spill was visible when Stevie got done with the table.

Our only problem was persuading him to wait to clean a table until after the customers were finished. He would hover in the background, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, scanning the dining room until a table was empty. Then he would scurry to the empty table and carefully bus dishes and glasses onto his cart and meticulously wipe the table up with a practiced flourish of his rag.

If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with added concentration. He took pride in doing his job exactly right, and you had to love how hard he tried to please each and every person he met.

Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer. They lived on their Social Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck stop. Their social worker, who stopped to check on him every so often, admitted they had fallen between the cracks. Money was tight, and what I paid him was probably the difference between them being able to live together and Stevie being sent to a group home. That's why the restaurant was a gloomy place that morning last August, the first morning in three years that Stevie missed work.

He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or something put in his heart. His social worker said that people with Downs Syndrome often have heart problems at an early age so this wasn't unexpected, and there was a good chance he would come through the surgery in good shape and be back at work in a few months.

A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when word came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine.

Frannie, the head waitress, let out a war hoop and did a little dance in the aisle when she heard the good news.

Bell Ringer, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the sight of this 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy beside his table.

Frannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Bell Ringer a withering look.

He grinned. "OK, Frannie, what was that all about?" he asked.

"We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay."

"I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him. What was the surgery about?"

Frannie quickly told Bell Ringer and the other two drivers sitting at his booth about Stevie's surgery then sighed: "Yeah, I'm glad he is going to be OK," she said. "But I don't know how he and his Mom are going to handle all the bills. From what I hear, they're barely getting by as it is."

Bell Ringer nodded thoughtfully, and Frannie hurried off to wait on the rest of her tables. Since I hadn't had time to round up a busboy to replace Stevie and really didn't want to replace him, the girls were busing their own tables that day until we decided what to do.

After the morning rush, Frannie walked into my office. She had a couple of paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face.

What's up?" I asked.

"I didn't get that table where Bell Ringer and his friends were sitting cleared off after they left, and Pony Pete and Tony Tipper were sitting there when I got back to clean it off," she said. "This was folded and tucked under a coffee cup."

She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk when I opened it. On the outside, in big, bold letters, was printed "Something For Stevie."

"Pony Pete asked me what that was all about," she said, "so I told him about Stevie and his Mom and everything, and Pete looked at Tony and Tony looked at Pete, and they ended up giving me this."

She handed me another paper napkin that had "'Something For Stevie"' scrawled on its outside. Two $50 bills were tucked within its folds. Frannie looked at me with wet, shiny eyes, shook her head and said simply: "Truckers!!"

That was three months ago. Today is Thanksgiving, the first day Stevie is supposed to be back to work.

His placement worker said he's been counting the days until the doctor said he could work, and it didn't matter at all that it was a holiday. He called ten times in the past week, making sure we knew he was coming, fearful that we had forgotten him or that his job was in jeopardy.

I arranged to have his mother bring him to work. I then met them in the parking lot and invited them both to celebrate his day back.

Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn't stop grinning as he pushed through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and busing cart were waiting.

"Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast," I said. I took him and his mother by their arms. "Work can wait for a minute. To celebrate you coming back, breakfast for you and your mother is on me!"

I led them toward a large corner booth at the rear of the room.

I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we marched through the dining room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw booth after booth of grinning truckers empty and join the procession. We stopped in front of the big table. Its surface was covered with coffee cups, saucers and dinner plates, all sitting slightly crooked on dozens of folded paper napkins.

"First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess," I said. I tried to sound stern.

Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of the napkins. It had "Something for Stevie" printed on the outside. As he picked it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table.

Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from beneath the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it. I turned to his mother. "There's more than $10,000 in cash and checks on that table, all from truckers and trucking companies that heard about your problems. Happy Thanksgiving."

Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and shouting, and there were a few tears, as well.

But you know what's funny? While everybody else was busy shaking hands and hugging each other, Stevie, with a big, big smile on his face, was busy clearing all the cups and dishes from the table....

Best worker I ever hired.

Plant a seed and watch it grow.
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Airport Mistletoe

It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."


"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."


"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Christmas Turkey

One year at Christmas, Mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, Mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, Mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, then re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, Mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Liturgical Response

In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you." The congregation used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit."

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you."

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong with this!"

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And also with you."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Living Large

We were four frugal young teachers. But a couple times a year we treated ourselves to the best Manhattan had to offer. As we approached the famous restaurant Lutece, we questioned whether we were dressed perfectly. Could we pass as urban sophisticates?

The maitre d' met us at the door, all smiles and bows. When he took my raincoat, I began to look over the cozy little bar and anticipate the charming basket of pastry that was our appetizer. Then the maitre d' returned to our group, gingerly holding a fabric softener sheet that had fallen from my coat sleeve.

"Madam," he said, "Your Bounce."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Earth Science Class

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Carrier Landings

Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings.

Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"

Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."

"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because this will be our first."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Seatmate Choice

The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight.

"Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously. "And you look just like my dad."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Pet Bills

While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.

"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.

"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Christmas Carol (A true story)

I recently got out the boxes of Christmas decorations and I told the children (ages 10, 8 and 5) that they could start setting them out. They were very excited and each got to pick out favorite ornaments or figurines. Maria, the youngest, wanted to set up the Nativity scene and happily set to her task. As she concentrated on carefully unwrapping Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, I overhead Maria singing this:

"Angels We Have Heard Online".....
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Under the Bed

Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.

Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.

It was a card, on which was written, "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Old Shotgun

Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Carol found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.

"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added....

"And, Carol?"

"Yes, mom?"

"Call them first and let them know you're coming."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Rattlesnakes

Felix was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: DUI Checkpoint

One snowy evening my brother, a regional police officer, stopped a car at a roadside check for drunk drivers. "Good evening, ma'am," he greeted the lady. "How are you this evening?"

"Fine, thank you," she replied.

My brother continued, "Anything to drink this evening?"

Surprised, the lady answered, "No, thank you."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Discount Shopping

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Grandmother's Drink

At a family party, my sister's date asked if he could bring our grandmother a drink. "Yes, a Manhattan," Grandmother said.

"Okay, but you can't be our designated driver," the young man joked.

"Oh, I don't drive. Never did."

"Why is that?"

"I knew that if you drink, you shouldn't drive. So I made the only sensible choice."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Pulled Over

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Not My Boots

The nursery school teacher had spent half an hour dressing her charges for outdoor playtime, pulling on boots, zipping and unbuttoning coats, matching mittens and gloves. As she finished struggling with Jennifer's boots, she let out a sigh of relief. Then Jennifer tugged on her arm. "These boots aren't mine, teacher."

With a groan the teacher knelt down and pulled off the boots. "Do you know whose boots these are, Jennifer?"

"Sure. They're my sister's. Mom makes me wear them anyway."
_ _______________________________ _
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OMG, I’m older than dirt.

Definitely a trip down Memory Lane.

Some of you may remember all of these....some may remember most....some may remember only some. But this is the way it was "back then in the olden days".

'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.

'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears &Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.

I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 4. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem; it came back on the air at about 6 a..m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 18 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie' and came from the “Pizza Q.” When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had. A small Pizza was $1 and a dime for delivery to our dorm room.

I never had a telephone in my room until I was in high school. The only phone in most houses was in the living room or the hallway. Many folks were on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers -- my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week.. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend :

A friend was cleaning out an old house and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.
How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

Real ice boxes.

Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes

6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines on the telephone

8 Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11.. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels.. )

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S& H greenstamps

16. Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with lever

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulb

20. Packards

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand On the watch Called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled In the dictionary, How would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, Where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" Mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" When we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" When they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" When it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" Make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and A "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" Mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" Not spelled The way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, Why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, Where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, Why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed And have dyslexia, Can you read all right?

21. Why do you press harder On the buttons of a remote control When you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags And garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated Is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue Stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set When you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year Do you sit in front of a dead tree And eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway And park on a driveway?

Thanks To Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Face Lift

A 75-year-old woman went into life or death surgery, and she wasn't sure she would make it through. During the surgery, she had a vision. She saw and spoke to God. She asked him,
"How much time do I have to live?"

He said, "You have 35 years left."

So that following year she had all kinds of cosmetic surgery. She a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction -- she completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years, she was going to look young again. After all this was done and she was discharged from the hospital, she was hit by a cab and was killed instantly.

When she entered eternity she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years. Why did you let that cab hit me?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

Received from otchurch.


Redneck Thanksgiving

/* Happy Thanksgiving! */

You might be a redneck if ....

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.


Thanksgiving Forecast

THANKSGIVING OUTLOOK by Elliot Abrams, excerpted from the book, "Weather Prognosticators and the Media: Fallacies, Facts, and Fun in Forecasting," by Norm MacDonald

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34 F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.

"You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Joe asked.

"The one who stands around and watches the other men work?" the nephew asked. "What's that got to do with it?"

"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.


Fishing Bait

My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law's garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm."

"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Easy New Year's Resolutions

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....

I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).

I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, and Instant Messages while on the phone at the same time with the same person.

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

I will read the manual ... just as soon as I can find it.

I will think of a password other than "password."

I will not tell the same story at every get together.

I won't worry so much.

I will cut my hair.

I will grow my hair.

I will be more imaginative.


Three Mice

Three mice are sitting at a table in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

Received from HAND!.


Why Chemical Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books


532.35 cm3 gluten

4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

4.9 cm3 refined halite

236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 BTU/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two, and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

~Author Unknown

Received from Julie DiCarlo.


A Visit to the Doctor

Last week when I went to the doctor, the kindly gentleman asked the question I knew he was going to ask: "Now, what are we planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?"

"I don't know, doc. You want to haul it around for a while?"

"Be serious."

"I am serious. Look, it just must be an overactive thyroid."

"No, your thyroid's perfectly normal. If there's anything overactive, it's your fork!"

Received from Steve Sanderson.


Charitable Contribution

Father O'Malley answers the phone...

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000.00?"


"He will."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


A Few Nights Before Christmas

/* Merry Christmas from GCFL! */

A few nights before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Just me and my mouse.

My shopping not done,
I had flown to my chair.
I'd get on the Internet,
And buy my gifts there!

"On Visa! On MasterCard,
Amex! Discover!..."
Double click here!
Buy one or the other!

Load up your shopping cart,
Away with the mall!
Now click away, click away,
Click away, all!

I had finished my list,
"That was easy," I thought,
"But how do I get all this
Stuff I just bought?"

I must have dozed off,
When I heard such a clatter.
I arose with a start
To see what was the matter.

I threw open the door...
Is this some sort of trick?
The guy on the porch-
"You must be St. Nick!"

"You wish," said the guy,
"It's the Fed Ex, you old coot.
Who else do you think
Could schlep all this loot?"

I thanked him again
As he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all,
And to all a good night!"

[From the comic strip "Shoe"]

Received from Timothy Anger.


Murphy's Laws on Work

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail (same applies to emails, especially global emails).

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

Success is just a matter of luck; just ask any failure.

Received from Andychap.


Walkin' in a Doggie Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white, I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know that it's

Straight from me to the fence post,
Flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off my turf, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland."

Received from BENNETnKIM.


Why Jesus Is Better than Santa Claus

Santa lives at the North Pole ...
JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh ...
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is an ever-present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart when invited.

You have to wait in line to see Santa ...
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name; all he can say to the little boy or girl is, "What's your name?" ...
JESUS knew your name before you did. Not only does He know your name, He also knows your address. He knows your history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on your head.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...
JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS offers health, help, and hope.

Santa says, "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says, "Cast all your cares on me, for I care for you."

Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes, and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle, but ...
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.

It's obvious there is really no comparison. We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about. We need to put Christ back in CHRISTmas. Jesus is still the reason for the season.

Yes, Jesus is better, he is even better than Santa Claus >>

Received from DGJPARSONS.


Musical Instrument

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Name Your Benefits

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks' vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Received from Timothy Anger.


Mortgage Payment

Finally, our last mortgage payment. To make a ceremony of it, we went to the bank and paid in person.

The teller processed everything and handed me the closing papers.

Heading for the door, I suddenly remembered a rebate check I'd brought along to cash.

I went back to the same teller. "Sorry, we can't do that," she explained. "You don't have an account here."

- from William Tamalis (via Reader's Digest)

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Name Change Needed

Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.

"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.

"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.

"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin!"

Received from Ed.


Fire Department

A woman frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood.

The dispatcher asks, "Well, lady how do we get there?"

Confused she replies, "Don't you still have those big red fire trucks?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Flight School

I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation (when a material changes directly from a solid to a gas without becoming liquid). He gave as an example water vapor in the air condensing on a plane's windshield to form ice.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas. He was expecting "dry ice" as the answer.

One of the students blurted out, "Burritos."

Received from Nick.


Growing Boy

Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson was constantly hungry. I went to the refrigerator to find something he might like. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili.

I called out to him excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. "Look! I found some chili."

Struggling to be polite, he said, "If you're that surprised, I'm not really sure I want it."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



Just think: If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Live and Learn

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.

"Sadness," he replied.

"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.

"Elation," he replied.

"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



Two goobers were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

He climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The goober took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss's hand. At the last second, the boss removed his hand and the goober hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The goober went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The goober put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Received from Pastor Tim.


International Rules of Manhood

- Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

- It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) when a heroic dog dies to save its master; (b) after wrecking his boss's car; or (c) one hour, twelve minutes, thirty-seven seconds into "The Crying Game."

- Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

- Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within twelve hours.

- If you've known a guy for more than twenty-four hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

- Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

- No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering his buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, he must celebrate at a bar of the birthday boy's choice.

- On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

- When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

- It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach, it's delivered by a gorgeous woman, and it's free.

- Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy.

- Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

- If a man's fly is down, that's his problem; you didn't see anything.

- Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

- A man in the company of an extremely attractive woman must remain sober enough to fight.

- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just greedy.

- Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours.

- It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

- Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange, or sky blue.

- The woman who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a PS3. End of story.

- There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men's gymnastics. Ever.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Column - - Limerick Ode To Espresso & Cappuccino - - November 23rd, 2012

I was alarmed to learn that I missed National Cappuccino Day on November 8th. Then again, every day is Cappuccino Day in my house. (If I didn’t have my own machine, I could never afford my cappuccino habit.)

But all is not lost: Today, November 23rd, is National Espresso Day.

Close enough.

Limerick Ode To Espresso & Cappuccino
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Espresso alone doesn’t please me.
You must add something more to appease me:
Steamed milk, lots of foam,
And you’re just about home.
Just make sure it’s not bitter. Don’t tease me!

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance _ 234_7371 (24 Hour)
Jail _ 234_5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control _ 800_222_1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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Interested in getting in touch with the Banner_News through e_mail? For the editor, For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events. []
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

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James F. McClellan
Editor/Publisher "Bug's Bleat"
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"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via "Fuzzy" Thurman

Remember McClellan's Rules

1. Rejoice in that this is the will of the Lord concerning you.
If that doesn't seem to be working, remember;
2. All things work together for the good of them who love the Lord.
If that doesn't seem to be working, remember;
3. All things are subject to change.
And finally;
4. Don't let the son of a guns get you down!

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