Saturday, November 17, 2012

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Traffic Violation


Sim Baily, enjoying the conversation at the last JOY fellowship.



The Pecan Orchard west of Garland has opened their store. We bought 10 Lbs of cracked Pecans for $24.



Gas prices are down. The lowest since July.



There were several truck convoys moving north on I-30 this week.



Verna, Gary, Kelly and Annette at JOY (Just Older Youth) fellowship.



Annette's posies along the back fence are still hanging in there.



It's fall and the trees in our neighborhood are showing off before dumping tons of leaves on our yards.


















Volume 14, Issue 45 Friday, November 16, 2012

Hello ALL,

Annette and I attended the Arkansas Heart Hospital “Diabetes BootCamp” at Magnolia Regional Medical Center last Saturday.

It was the best education on diabetes issues we’ve ever experienced. The topics included: Carbohydrate Counting, Blood Glucose Monitoring, Meal Planning, Healthy snacks, Exercise, Medications and Diabetic Complications.

I encourage you to attend one of these when they come to your area. Or, you can contact the Arkansas Heart Hospital for information on the next class.
~~~~~
Our Favorite Missionary Family, Brandt, Pam, Austin, Tyler, Ben and Julianna Prince, is headed back to Zambia. It’s been great to have them back in the states but their work is in Africa.
~~~~~
Lynn Barnhart reminds us that Duck season has opened on Lake Columbia!
~~~~~
The Pecan Orchard west of Garland has opened their store. Pecans in the shell and cracked for sale again this fall. A 5 Lb bag of cracked pecans is $12.
~~~~~
Annette isn’t going to be happy that I’m sharing this, but we all need to smile.
~
You know how folks our age have sounds? I mean our body makes noises that younger folks aren’t familiar with. Our bones creak and crack. Our flesh flaps against our bodies. We snore and wheeze and burp. And our internal organs can sometimes be heard.

Annette and I were lying in bed, watching TV when suddenly my stomach “grumbled.” Then, a few seconds later, Annette’s stomach “grumbled” too. Within a few minutes both of our stomachs had made this same type of sound several times.

Finally, Annette asked; “What do you suppose they’re saying to each other?”
~~~~~
The cooler weather has reminded me of an incident that happened on the way to church one Sunday. I was driving Annette’s blue Yukon when she suddenly said; “It’s cold this morning, don’t roll down the window.” Now I didn’t ever remember rolling the window down when headed to church, I hadn’t said anything about the window and didn’t have any intention of rolling it down, but her words peeked my curiosity and I said “What do you mean?” She replied. “Don’t roll down the window.”
I racked my brain for anytime I’d ever just rolled down the window on the way to church but I couldn’t come up with one. So I asked again; “What do you mean?” She said more empathetically; “Don’t roll down the window!”

So I rolled her window down.

She said; “Not mine, yours!” So I rolled the driver’s window down. Boy, it was cold. So I quickly rolled it back up. Or ... I tried to roll it back up. It wouldn’t budge.

And Annette said; “See. I told you not to roll the window down. It won’t roll up when it’s below 50F.”
~
When will I ever learn?
~~~~~
Stephen Whalen commented on the failure of Hostess Bakery. "What's that you say?" NO TWINKIES!!!!!! Oh Jesus help us all, the world is collapsing as I write this! what will I ever do without Twinkies???? I'm doomed from here on out! Life as we know it will never be it's sweet self again without the Twinkie!!!!!!

Everyone is pointing the finger on this deal. The facts are probably that both the Unions and Company Management and The Investors all share the blame. The Unions because they decided to let 17,000 jobs go away instead of further compromise. Company Management because they were unable to address a changing market. And The Investors because they were unable to deal with both sides of the issue.

Like many many issues this day, it ain’t all black and white.

[http://finance.yahoo.com/news/hostess-failed-hedge-funds-vs-164815209.html]
~~~~~
As for the Petraeus Affair / FBI investigation. This has become an endless witch hunt. Everything I've seen says that NO security breaches by either Allen or Petraeus were found. But they're still digging. On the other hand, I worry about the innate intelligence of General Staff who apparently didn't realize their unsecured emails would probably be published to the world.
~~~~~
Since we had aunts, grandmother and Miss Ida at our mercy on West Hearn Street, we often involved them in our "adventures." One day we found a dead snake on the gravel street and someone (couldn't have been me) decided it would be funny to "plant" it in aunt Gertrude's house.

She was the first choice due to her guaranteed reaction. Aunt Gertrude was one of those folks who always screamed when surprised. Sometimes she'd even leap and run.

So, we casually came in the house and laid the deceased snake (a small one) on the stove in the kitchen. Then it was just a process of asking aunt Gertrude for a glass of water so she'd go into the kitchen.

Charles asked for water and she got it for him. Rats! She didn't look at the stove. So, I asked for one. She again returned with the water without looking at the stove.

We were getting desperate. If she didn't see the snake soon, we'd have to eventually leave and would miss the fireworks. Dinah Sue was our last chance. She asked for a big glass of water, knowing that aunt Gertrude kept the large drinking glasses in the cupboard above the stove.

We held our breath as she went back into the kitchen. ... Then, we heard the blood curdling scream. It was great.

Charles ran into the kitchen and "saved" aunt Gertrude by grabbing the snake and throwing it out the back door.

We'd originally planned on using the snake for more than one prank, but the reaction of aunt Gertrude was so GRAND that we decided to lay low for a while and go onto other pursuits. However, the next day, our snake prank almost resulted in injury to grandmother.

We were playing in grandmother's yard when we heard and angry call and then a scream. Grandmother yelled; "JAMES FORT ... IIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Between her kitchen and dining room was a long dark hall. She'd headed down the hall when she saw a snake lying on the floor. Assuming it was the same snake we'd used to scare aunt Gertrude (our antics were obviously discussed up and down the street) she hollered for me and bent over to pick it up. But this wasn't our dead snake. It was a live ground rattler and it started rattling when she bent toward it. That's when we heard the scream.

By the time we got into the house, grandmother had recovered and managed to kill the snake by pummeling it with the wooden broom handle. Fortunately she hadn't been bitten.
~~~~~
Age, diabetes and Anemia have left me prone to falling. (That didn't sound as funny as I meant it to.) I’ve managed to avoid most of them by grabbing nearby objects and people but a couple have resulted in injury.

At the end of ’09, I tripped and fell, resulting in an injury that required a doctor to fix.

In ’07 we were having a GIANT crawfish fry at the church and, as everybody was preparing to leave, I decided to start cleaning up the equipment. I tripped on something (my son said it was the line on the sidewalk) and started to fall. In an effort to avoid the inevitable, I lurched, hopped, skipped and finally came down like a great sequoia in the forest. My son said that I actually stumbled for about 25 yards before hitting the concrete. He also concluded that my attempts to avoid the fall just resulted in my body picking up speed and a resulting greater force of impact.

As I finally realized that I was going down I remember thinking “this is gonna hurt.” Then I was amazed at how flimsy the “spaghetti noodles” that I called arms were. They just folded up with little or no resistance at all as my face bounced off the concrete.

Immediately, I noticed blood spraying all over the place. Fortunately, my son thought quickly and grabbed one of the tow sacks that the crawfish had come in. Since we’d used these sacks to cover the crawfish with seasoning, they were “pre-medicated”. The peppers and other spices seemed to have a coagulant effect and dramatically slowed the bleeding as David applied them to my face. And the pain from the spices also partially took my mind off of the injury.

David drove me to the hospital where Annette met us. Seeing the blood and smelling the crawfish, the triage nurse immediately put us in a room where we were quickly forgotten.

Annette gently picked away the pieces of sack from my wounds and used the antiseptics and dressings in the ER room to begin cleaning my face up. It seems that the worst actual injury was where my glasses had been driven down my nose, slicing it apart. Of course this didn’t prevent me from complaining about the numerous abrasions to my hands, arms, knees, etc. which she also cleaned up and dressed.

Then, with me whining, crying and protesting, Annette proceeded to put my nose back together while attempting to calm me down.

After an hour or two, the ER doc came in to see me. He said that normally he would stitch up a laceration like that on my nose but since the “nurses” had done such a good job cleaning it up and since I was a diabetic he thought he would leave well enough alone. So he sent me home.

I looked like WC Fields for a few weeks but there were no lasting ill effects except the abuse I suffered at the hands of my fellow church members who continue to share the story of the “Great Fall” at the crawfish boil. And the "rest of the story?" When Annette brought me back to the church, bandaged and sort of groggy, Brandon DuPont declared "It ain't a real Cajun Crawfish Boil until someone gets a bloody nose."
~~~~~
When I was seven years old, I spent several months in Little Rock at St. Vincent's Hospital. (In fact, I spent most of the first grade there.) They thought I had leukemia (this was before they discovered that I had McClellan’s Disease.)

To this day, I’ve got a warm spot in my heart for the nuns there. But no matter how well your treated (and we were cared for by the finest humans on the earth) there's just so much a kid can stand. One morning, they came in to take more blood, check my vitals, etc. When they put the thermometer in my mouth, I ate it.

Now, this isn't considered proper food for a growing boy and the nurse jerked me out of the bed and started cleaning out my mouth all the while yelling for help. After they got all the glass out of my mouth and (hopefully) all the mercury, Sister Maria came in and asked me why I’d done that. I told her I was tired of the whole “hospital” thing and wanted to go home.

I didn’t get to go home, but the next day, they let me sneak out to the Zoo, located just south east of the hospital.
~
Another time, all the kids on the eighth floor were visited by their Fairy Godmother. We were down in the common area, playing when they told us to go back to our rooms.

Wow! We all had presents.

Len had a fire truck. Russell had Lincoln Logs. Jamey had a doll and I got a new shirt. … A SHIRT! I’m in the hospital. Where’ am I going to wear a shirt?

To this day, don’t you let me catch you giving any of my kids or grand kid’s cloths for Christmas or their Birthday. Clothes are not a toy and kids ought to get toys for presents.
~~~~~
My grand dad was a farmer and a trader. The trading part involved buying or trading for things, and then selling or trading them for items of greater value. He was also called a “Mule Trader.”

The farm part, involved raising food and cotton. With seven kids, it was expected that everyone would share the work. No watching cartoons on Saturday mornings. A farm is work. But work can be fun.

My mother often told stories of her brothers and sisters. Like the time they decided to build a fire. This was no easy task since they were forbidden to play with matches. The solution seemed to be to hide the fire from prying adult eyes. They thought for a few days and then decided that the one place the adults never went was under the house. So, they built their fire under the house. They just forgot to consider what the adult’s reaction would be when smoke started coming through the floor.

Some of her favorite stories featured her brother Fort. For instance;

There was the time that Fort suggested they have a cussing contest. All the kids agreed and he suggested my mother go first. She looked around and then saw a fly. She whispered “Look at that D___ Fly.” Whereupon Fort went running to my grandmother shouting “Iris said a bad word, Iris said a bad word.”

My grandmother, being a fair-minded lady, didn’t immediately take the strap to my mother. First, she held an investigation. She called all the kids together and asked; “Is this true? Did Iris say a word?”

Nobody, except Fort, said anything. She asked again, and my mother started trying to explain. Grandmother stopped her and said; “Did you say D___?” My mother said “yes, but…” That’s all she got out. The rest of that tale involved the wood shed.

Another time, She thought she could get Fort’s Saturday evening money away from him. She challenged him to a dare. He agreed and they bet their allowance over it. She thought she had the perfect dare and told him; “I dare you to eat a worm.” He took the dare. Walked over to the kitchen porch and selected an apple off the table. He cut the apple open, picked a worm off a nearby leaf, put it in the apple and then, ate the apple. She had to hand over her money.

Like I said at the beginning, the kids were expected to share the farm work. However, Fort had devised a plan that resulted in his share, of work, being less than the others.

On the farm, they ate breakfast before daylight, and then were in the fields at sunrise. You worked in the fields until noon, when dinner was served, then returned to the fields until sundown.

Not a lot of fun for kids. Then Fort had the brainstorm. There was a well between the house and the barn. Located behind a large hedge on the west side of the house, at the edge of the fields. One day at lunch, Fort lagged behind the others as they filed out of the field. He paused at the well and poured a bucket of water over his head. Then he “drug” around the hedge and up to the back door where his mother was waiting for the kids to come in to eat.
She took one look at Fort, obviously exhausted and drenched in sweat and told him to take the rest of the day off.

My mother and the other kids were incised. But how could they expose him? The unwritten rule that none of them would ever break was; Never Rat on Family.

So, they didn’t tell. However, they did jump him when they had a chance. It was a fair fight. But my mother always claimed that she made up for the extra work as well as the swearing contest.
~~~~~
Favorite Quotes:

Corrie Ten Boom - - “Are you afraid to die? Remember that for a child of God, death is only a passing through to a wonderful new world...”
~~~~~
The following wisdom is shared by our friends.
~
Nancee Davis Law

definition of Character: Doing what’s right when no one is watching

My life isn't perfect, but it does have perfect moments.

Look at the good in life and every day you can find something to smile about. :)

when you wonder how in the world you're surviving, simply take a look at who's by your side
~~~~~
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call 877-815-9176.

This offer is available to only CenterPoint Energy residential natural gas customers with natural gas hot water heating.
~~~~~
AskBob - - Bob Rankin - - The Five Most Common Internet Security Mistakes

A reader says: 'I have anti-virus protection but somehow I got a virus anyway. How did this happen?' That's hard to say without knowing more, but chances are, this person made one of the five Internet security mistakes on my list. Any one of them can lead to malware infection or even identity theft. Are YOU vulnerable? See the list now...
[http://askbobrankin.com/the_five_most_common_internet_security_mistakes.html?awt_l=HZr.N&awt_m=JdWgOsA9q8P6SL]
~~~~~
Americans Favor a New Approach to War on Drugs
A Commentary By Scott Rasmussen

More than 40 years ago, the federal government launched a war on drugs. Over the past decade, the nation has spent hundreds of billions of dollars fighting that war, a figure that does not even include the high costs of prosecuting and jailing drug law offenders. It's hard to put a price on that aspect of the drug war since half of all inmates in federal prison today were busted for drugs.

Despite the enormous expense and growth of the prison population, only 7 percent of American adults now think the United States is winning the War on Drugs. Eighty-two percent disagree. The latest statistics on drug usage support that conclusion.

[http://campaign.r20.constantcontact.com/render?llr=zmzggocab&v=001iXIUy3Vz-XwMzSeFhHIV_7cPMijpGeV1xiiU5mT-l_TmD9QLzKjizF6LL2DGAjnUBOOPbFo-JUGr9z5tOpLF7FvOqBrn7VjC1qDYIpOASqSaKOfdjXAr7Q%3D%3D]
~~~~~
dLife dBrief (dlifenews@dlife.com)
Diagnosed with Diabetes. Now What?

Top Tips for the Newly Diagnosed
It’s important to take control of your diabetes as soon as you’re diagnosed, and that begins with
early detection. Symptoms of both type 1 and type 2 may include:
• Excessive thirst and frequent urination
• Extreme hunger
• Fatigue, or a feeling of being "run down" and tired
• Blurred vision
• Dry, itchy skin
• Tingling or burning pain in the feet, legs, hands, or other body parts
• High blood pressure
• Mood swings or depression
• Frequent infections, such as urinary tract infections, yeast infections, and skin infections
• Slow healing of cuts and bruises
While these symptoms usually develop over time in individuals with type 2, they can set in
very rapidly in individuals with type 1.

[http://www.dlife.com/diabetes/information/slide_show_pdf_files/new_pdfs/Top_Tips_for_the_Newly_Diagnosed.pdf]
~~~~~
SpecialFork What to Cook Now!

A Simple Fall Salad
By Marilyn Hunter

With Thanksgiving around the corner, it’s time to indulge in our favorite comfort foods. And with a large, decadent meal like Thanksgiving, a simple salad makes the perfect accompaniment.

This salad is simplicity defined. It was inspired by our friend, Vicki, who’s a pro at tossing a little of “this and that” together to make a healthy, delicious dinner in a snap.

Since there’s very little vinegar in the dressing, it also makes a wonderful companion to wine. Use caution when seasoning with salt as different brands of pecorino cheese have varying degrees of saltiness.

Pomegranate, Pecan and Pecorino Salad

1/4 cup walnut oil
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
Kosher salt, to taste
Freshly ground black pepper, to taste
2 heads butter lettuce
2 cups mâche
1/2 cup pecan halves, toasted
4 ounces Pecorino Romano cheese, thinly sliced
1 cup pomegranate seeds

Whisk together the walnut oil, balsamic vinegar, salt, and pepper and set aside.

Cut the bottom core from each butter lettuce head and separate into leaves. Gently rinse and dry them. Place the lettuce in a large salad bowl, keeping as many of the leaves whole as possible. Add the mâche, pecans, Pecorino cheese and pomegranate seeds and toss together. Dress with the vinaigrette.

Makes 6 to 8 servings

[http://about.specialfork.com/blog/2012/11/15/a-simple-fall-salad.html?utm_source=Special+Fork+account&utm_campaign=55fdbbd13c-Special_Fork_Blog_Digest_wk_4_8_124_12_2012&utm_medium=email]
~~~~~
Psa 9:9-11, Exo 23:1-3, Neh 8:18-9:1-2, Job 38:1, Psa 116:17-18
~~~~~
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.
~
Greetings,

This is an interesting guest post about an Iraqi war veteran I knew from the 2007 Surge. As with many veterans (and people in general), he has had employment challenges [http://www.michaelyon-online.com/keeping-promises.htm].
~
In 2007, during heaviest fighting in Iraq, I wrote this dispatch called SECOND CHANCES.
Please read this story. [http://www.michaelyon-online.com/second-chances.htm]
~
The recent revelations were disappointing. Some personal thoughts on the matter. [http://www.michaelyon-online.com/petraeus-a-sad-day-for-the-united-states.htm]

Very Respectfully,
Michael Yon
Your Writer,

Please remember that this website accepts no advertisement and is dependent on your support.

PS Please sign up for my Twitter.com updates at "Michael_Yon" [http://twitter.com/Michael_Yon] (not Michael Yon).

http://www.facebook.com/#/MichaelYonFanPage?ref=sgm
~
www.michaelyon-online.com
~
Http://www.michaelyon_online.com/index.php
~~~~~
If you would like to encourage US Troops overseas, but are not sure just how to begin, visit www.anysoldier.com for ideas.
~~~~~
Please remember ... America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the MALL.
~~~~~
DarynKagan.com - - Here's to the inspiring things young people are doing. Have a great Monday!

Two Sisters Lead Volunteer Sandy Relief Effort
Jaime and Jillian Jordan, born and bred in the Rockaways, organized volunteers to help reclaim their Sandy-ravaged community. Their spirit has spread like wildfire.
[http://darynkagan.demo.nimbussoftware.com/heroism/2012/he_121112_sisters_lead_sandy_relief.html]

Harvard Students Send Burger Into Space
A group of five bored Harvard University students put their $40,000-a-year Ivy League education to good use by launching the first ever hamburger into the upper reaches of the atmosphere.
[http://darynkagan.demo.nimbussoftware.com/heroism/2012/he_121112_burger_in_space.html]
~~~~~

ACC: Regulatory efforts must support U.S. innovation and growth
The American Chemistry Council expressed uneasiness about the potential effects of a tighter regulatory landscape in President Barack Obama's second term. "We of course remain concerned about overaggressive and unbalanced regulatory efforts that could stifle U.S. innovation and growth in the chemical sector, whether those be chemical regulations, environmental regulations, such as pending air and ozone rules, or federal regulatory encroachment into hydraulic fracturing practices," said ACC spokeswoman Anne Kolton. Royal Society of Chemistry [http://www.rsc.org/chemistryworld/2012/11/barack-obama-election-chemical-industry]
~~~~~
http://www.shelfari.com
http://www.shelfari.com/bugsbleat/shelf
~~~~~
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include - - The Pecan Orchard west of Garland has opened their store. Gas prices are down. The lowest since July. There were several truck convoys moving north on I-30 this week. Sim Baily at the last JOY fellowship. Annette's posies are still hanging in there. It's fall. Verna, Gary, Kelly and Annette at JOY (Just Older Youth) fellowship.
~~~~~
For the latest issue of "Da Bleat.", go to http://www.bugsbleat.blogspot.com.
Our photos are posted at http://www.bugsbleatphotos.blogspot.com.
~~~~~
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
~~~~~
BreakPoint - - Yearning for His Coming
Advent Is Soon upon Us
By: Eric Metaxas

You’ve no doubt heard of “Black Friday,” the day after Thanksgiving that features, along with countless sales, the more-than-occasional trampling of shoppers by their frenzied peers.

In many ways, “Black Friday” has become a bigger deal than Thanksgiving. So much so that many major retailers have announced that they are opening their doors on Thursday.

The hope is that the possibility of buying something you don’t really need for a little less than you would pay a few weeks later will help people work off the turkey and pumpkin pie and get down to some serious Christmas shopping.

The problem is that it isn’t Christmas yet—at least not for Christians.

The weeks leading up to Christmas day are properly called Advent in Western Christianity, from the Latin word adventus, meaning “coming.”[i]

Adventus was the Latin translation of the Greek word parousia, which the New Testament most often used to refer to Jesus’ second coming. In antiquity, parousia was usually associated with the arrival of royalty: the leaders of a city went outside the city gates to meet the Emperor and escort him back into the city.

Thus, for the Christian, Advent is about preparing to greet our King. And it is a time for both looking back to Jesus’ first coming and looking forward to His second coming in glory.

Like Lent, Advent is a penitential season, a time for reflection and repentance. If we’re honest with ourselves, what Titus 2 calls “our blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ,”—should provoke both joy and a bit of dread. It’s a time for asking ourselves whether we truly are “a people that are [Christ’s] very own, eager to do what is good.”

If this doesn’t put you in the mood for shopping, well, congratulations! You are starting to “get” Advent.

The other emotion associated with Advent is yearning. Specifically, yearning for God to fulfill His promises to His people and to set right what has gone terribly wrong.

This yearning permeates perhaps the greatest of all Advent hymns, “O Come, O Come Emmanuel.” It’s a paraphrase of parts of the liturgy dating back to at least the Middle Ages. Each verse invokes biblical titles for Christ—Emmanuel, Root of Jesse, Day Spring, etc.—and then rehearses why His people yearn for His presence among them.

Another Advent hymn, “Creator of the Stars of Night,” which dates from the seventh century, captures the season’s emphasis on both Christ’s first and second comings. After expressing the yearning at the heart of the season, it proclaims “Thou, grieving that the ancient curse, should doom to death a universe, hast found the medicine, full of grace, to save and heal a ruined race.”

It then goes on to say, “At whose dread Name, majestic now, all knees must bend, all hearts must bow; and things celestial Thee shall own, and things terrestrial Lord alone.”

There’s a lot going on in these hymns, which is why my colleague John Stonestreet has produced a marvelous DVD and CD teaching series on the hymns of Advent. It’s called “He Has Come,” and contains John’s “Two-Minute Warning” videos, study guide by T. M. Moore, “BreakPoint” commentaries by Chuck Colson on Advent, and a bonus CD with some of the great Advent hymns. We have it for you at BreakPoint.org. I hope you get a copy for you and your family.

This year, Advent begins on Sunday, December 2. Embrace the season! But whatever you do, do not let the culture define this most Christian of times for you. That would be a truly black Friday.

[i] In Orthodox Christianity, the equivalent of Advent is called the “Nativity Fast.” It runs for six weeks instead of four.
~
Further Reading and Information

He Has Come: The Worldview of Advent DVD
John Stonestreet | the Chuck Colson Center for Christian Worldview | December 2012
[http://www.colsoncenterstore.org/product.asp?sku=2191_HHCAdvent]

The Promise: A Celebration of Christ's Birth CD
Michael Card
[http://www.colsoncenterstore.org/product.asp?sku=2191_TPCARD]

The Promise of Advent Special Gift Set
John Stonestreet, Michael Card | the Chuck Colson Center for Christian Worldview | December 2012
[http://www.colsoncenterstore.org/product.asp?sku=2191_ADVENTGIFT]

[http://www.breakpoint.org/bpcommentaries]

Copyright © 2012 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved

~~~~~
Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:
~

Senator John Boozman (R_ AR)
1 Russell Courtyard
Washington DC, 20510
Phone: 202-224-4843
http://boozman.senate.gov/
~
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
http://pryor.senate.gov/
~
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314
http://ross.house.gov/

Other states congresspersons can be found at: [http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/]
~~~~~
THOUGHT OF THE DAY:

"Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity." - George S. Patton

"We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude." - Cynthia Ozick

"How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!" -Maya Angelou

"A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage." - Sydney Smith

"If you want to make enemies, try to change something." - Woodrow Wilson

"A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary." - Fred Allen

"If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first invent the universe." - Carl Sagan
~~~~~
Breaking Christian News

Calling Forth Revival on "God Day": 12-12-12
Aimee Herd (Nov 12, 2012) - - "This gathering is a movement of people that are looking to restore honor to God and to father the fatherless. I received this mandate long ago from the Lord and we are seeing it through to its fruition. We want show our love for Him and to throw God a God-sized party." -Joshua Fowler
Read Full Story [http://www.breakingchristiannews.com/articles/display_art.html?ID=10737]

Fighting Human Trafficking with Lemonade
Aimee Herd (Nov 14, 2012) - - "I believe that compassion is not compassion without action, that's why I am MAKING A STAND every day." –Vivienne Harr
Read Full Story [http://www.breakingchristiannews.com/articles/display_art.html?ID=10749]

editor@breakingchristiannews.com

><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

GCF: Traffic Violation

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
----------------------------------------------------------

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: PA Announcement

Heard over a public address system:

"Will the person who lost the roll of $100 bills tied with a rubber band please come to the office. We've found the rubber band."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Never Forget

One day in school.....

How do you spell elephant?
E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t
That's not how the dictionary spells it.
You didn't ask me how the dictionary spells it!
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Wired for Sound

(Note: This is set before wireless was popular)

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several more turns and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Octogenarian Golfer

An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.

The 80 year old said " I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

They both played well. Coming into the par three 18th they were even. The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following play.

The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!

The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps."

"I do, replied the octogenarian. "Give me a hand."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Prospective Juror

Judge to prospective juror: "And why do you wish to be excused from serving on this jury?"

"Your honor, it's because I don't believe in capital punishment and I don't want my personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course."

"Madam, this is not a murder trial. It's a civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $25,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay. I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Truck Driver

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Airline Safety Talk

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying "In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device," when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Sometimes I Wonder.....

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice.

"Ken," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"

Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Clean Bathroom?

Constant nagging didn't seem to provide any relief from having to clean up the bathroom after each of my three teenage children. After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a sign that read: "Please leave the bathroom as you found it."

I noticed the bathroom was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called, "Brian, how did you find the bathroom?"

After a brief pause, he replied, "Straight down the hall, first door on the right."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Caught in the Act

Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter.

"Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded.

"No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: At the Clothing Store

A man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store.

After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room again.

He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one."

"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Weighing In

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.

One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Razor Request

Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says, "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"

The barber replies, "Well, yes sir, I do. Would you prefer shaving yourself?"

Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I could defend myself."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Personalized Plate

One of my customers at the Department of Motor Vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can't forget the date."

A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application." _ _______________________________ _
GCF: About Two Miles

A unit of soldiers was on a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles."

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."

"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "as least we're holding our own!"
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Shhhh...

A woman, employed as a telemarketer, was making phone calls to different households.

A little boy answered and whispered, "Hello". The woman asked if his mother was there. The little boy whispered, "Yes". The woman asked if she could speak with her. The little boy whispered, "No, she's busy."

The woman asked if his father was there. The little boy whispered, "Yes". The woman asked if she could speak with him. The little boy whispered, "No, he's busy too." The woman asked if anyone else was there and the little boy whispered, "Yes, the fire department is here". The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?" The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy."

The woman asked if anyone else was there, the little boy whispered, "Yes, the police department ". The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?" The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy too." The woman said, "May I ask what they're all doing?" The little boy whispered, "They're all looking for me."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: The Physical

During my physical yesterday, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday morning, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be some outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Contingency

An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency.

When the client asked what "contingency" was, the lawyer replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Lesson in Marketing

I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old boat, a trailer and a motor from me. "Thanks," he said as he loaded them up. "I'm planning to resell them."

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd sold everything.

"How did you manage that?" I marveled.

"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.' When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage. He bought that, too."
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Quality Assurance

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get mad and buy another brand instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints and they were gaining market share. "That's some money well spent!" he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out the number of defects picked up by the scales was zero after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers. "One of the guys put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Mixed Signals

My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him.

One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the device started to beep. Surprised, my niece looked up at him.

"Grandpa," she said, "you've got mail."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: You Look Tired

A coworker told me that I looked tired.

"I am," I said. "I just finished 100 push-ups."

"Oh really? When did you start doing push-ups?"

"Well, I did the first one in 1986."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: The Amateur Photographer

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Finding the Tea

My poor wife was sick in bed with the flu. Being a dutiful husband, I offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea. I couldn't find the tea though and went back upstairs to ask where it was.

She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked "matches."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Pre-Flight Announcement

I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, which was:

"We're going to be taking off in a few ... Whoa, here we go!"
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Crocodile

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"

JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_ _______________________________ _

GCF: Problem in New York

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied.
_ _______________________________ _

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Wife's Diary / Husband's Diary

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

Received from Elvis.

(_:][:_)

Church Bulleting Bloopers

Everyone is asked to bring a jar of peanut butter which will be forwarded to Potter's House for distribution as part of the Food Baskets for greedy families during the month of June.

The new parking area looks great. Thanks to the men who turned out Saturday to help with the groveling.

A special thank you is extended to the members of the congregation who supported the dinner at the Community Outreach Center on Friday, May 11. Thank you for the generous amounts of food and to the shavers who came.

We "raised the roof" both in monetary donations and excitement to help get started on construction effort. Thank you to the over 100 people who filled the Community Center to help us with our destruction fund for the new fellowship hall.

Are you ready for this? Invite some neighbors and come along for the Vacation Bible School picnic! Please register so we will have enough food on the clipboard in the fellowship hall.

The new landscaping looks wonderful. Special thanks to the ladies who have been working in beds around the church grounds.

Received from otchurch.

(_:][:_)

Career Change

When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."

Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"

Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(_:][:_)

Encyclopaedia Britannica

Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. $500 or best offer.

Reason for sale: No longer required. Son turned fourteen last week. Now knows everything.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

(_:][:_)

The Silent Ranks

I wear no uniforms, no blues or army greens. But I am in the military in the ranks rarely seen. I have no rank upon my shoulders. Salutes I do not give. But the military world is the place where I live.

I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get. But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget. I'm not the one who fires the weapon, who puts my life on the line. But my job is just as tough. I'm the one that's left behind.

My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man, and the call to serve his country not all can understand. Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free. My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me.

I love the man I married. Soldiering is his life. But I stand among the silent ranks known as the Military Wife.

--Author Unknown

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(_:][:_)

Big Fish

A class was taken on a fishing boat for a field trip, and the teacher, in an attempt to lessen fears of big fish, stated, "There are no fish big enough to swallow people."

"But how about the fish that swallowed Jonah I learned about in Sunday school?" asked one little boy.

"You can't believe everything you're told," responded the teacher.

"I'll ask Jonah when I get to heaven," he replied.

"What if Jonah didn't go to heaven?" prodded his teacher.

"Then you ask him," was the reply.

Received from jonathan.skinner.

(_:][:_)

Braving the Falls

The Niagara Falls tour group crowded into the large elevator, and as the elevator doors closed, I turned to the group and introduced myself. "Hi, I'm Ellie, your guide. Generally we sing a song going down. What would you like to sing?"

A gentleman suggested a familiar song, and the entire group was soon belting it out.

The doors opened and I stepped out leading the group. In moments I turned and smiled at the sightseers. "People, I'm not really your tour guide, but have a great day!"

There followed three seconds of silence, then laughter and light applause. With the ice broken and a shared sense of adventure, we went to see the Falls.

by Ellie Braun-Haley

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

(_:][:_)

Coupon Heaven

While handing a 25 cents-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed so the woman said, "That's OK - it's in coupon heaven now."

"Coupon heaven?" the checker said.

"Yes," the woman said. "That's where coupons go when they die."

"Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.

Received from Pastor Tim.

(_:][:_)

Army Nurse Corps

During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to spend one week in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We arose daily in our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from our helmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obviously, our personal appearance frequently left much to be desired.

The final blow to our feminine pride occurred while we waited in the mess line in the mud and rain. A young private came by with a camera and asked to take our picture. "It will prove to my girl," he said, "that she has NO reason to be jealous!"

Received from Clean-Laffs.

(_:][:_)

Animal Crackers

A mother walks into the kitchen and sees her daughter with the whole box of animal crackers spread on the counter top.

Mother: "Why did you pour out the whole box?"

Daughter: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken.' I'm looking for the seal."

Received from Earl Ashworth.

(_:][:_)

Cute Baby

When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking."

"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.

"He looks just like you."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(_:][:_)

Irish Taxi Driver

A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still-shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the devil out of me."

The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.

The driver replied, "Will the saints in Heaven forgive me -- it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Received from Tory Bennett.

(_:][:_)

Life's Truths for Adults

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. There is nothing worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. Really, how ARE you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Shoot!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given
Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry ten over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me, or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

31. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Received from dadiodio.

(_:][:_)

Phrases of Wisdom

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Received from Andy Chap.

(_:][:_)

Places I've Been and Haven't Been

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

Received from Marvn Barnes.

(_:][:_)

Photo

When my husband visited our son, Michael, at boot camp, he found him marching smartly with his unit.

Michael's father proudly approached the soldiers and began to snap photo after photo. Embarrassed and worried about getting into trouble, Michael looked straight ahead and didn't change his expression.

Suddenly his drill sergeant barked, "Comito, give me 25 push-ups. And the next time your daddy wants your picture, you smile!"

- from Edythe Comito (via Reader's Digest)

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

(_:][:_)

Thunderstorm

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed.

Glimpsing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining enthusiastically, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(_:][:_)

Piano Tuner

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.

"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."

The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."

The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

(_:][:_)

Tipping the Dealer

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. And, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with it. So, why should I tip him?"

The dealer replied, "When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes, sure I do," responded the player.

"Well then, he serves you food, and I'm serving you cards. So you see, you should tip me."

"Okay, I see your point," agreed the player. "But, the waiter gives me what I ask for ... I'll take an eight."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

(_:][:_)

Walking on Water

Two preachers and a deacon decided to go fishing. The deacon looked up to these men of God, thinking that they were so holy that they could walk on water. They gathered at the lake and shoved off from the shore in the boat.

When they arrived at the middle of the lake, one pastor asked the other, "Where's the bait?" The other pastor said that he didn't bring any, and the deacon replied the same. "That's okay," the first pastor said, "I'll just walk over there to the bait shop and buy some worms." He then stepped out of the boat and walked across the lake to the little store, bought some worms, and returned, walking on the lake.

"Wow," thought the deacon, "he really can walk on water. I hope to have faith like that some day." Later the other pastor asked if anyone was thirsty. They both replied with a yes. "I'll be right back with something to drink for us all." He stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to the store and returned with drinks for everyone.

The deacon again thought, "Wow, I hope to have faith like that some day." As he fished, the deacon thought much about his faith. He then jumped to his feet, informing the two pastors that he was going for some snacks and he'd be right back. He stepped over the boat and sunk to the bottom.

As he came up gasping for air, the one pastor said to the other, "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"

Received from Jimmy.


(_:][:_)

Useful Work Culture

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.

People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.

People with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom.

Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

Received from Andychap.

(_:][:_)

Ten Years

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?"

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

(_:][:_)

This World Is Full of Complete Idiots

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington, DC, and then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

9. A Los Angeles man, who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steam roller and led police on a 5-mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Received from Shannon H. Williams.

(_:][:_)

They're Using Flashlights

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.

Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

Received from Ed.

(_:][:_)

Two Hearts

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck -- two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's heart!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

(_:][:_)

Three Texans

Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped into the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words.

He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words: "I am from the University of Texas School of Law, and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.

(_:][:_)

Three-legged Chicken

Bernard was driving along a country road when he realized he had to make a phone call. He was miles from a pay phone, so he decided to stop in at the next farmhouse he found. As he was approaching a house, he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road. He followed the chicken and clocked it at 40 MPH.

Well, when Bernie got to the farmhouse, he asked the farmer about this wonderful chicken. The farmer replied, "Well, now, when I was at the college, I took up a'studyin' at there gee-netics. 'Round here we love chicken, and we're all mighty partial to the drumstick, so I thought I'd see if I could make me a three-legged chicken. So, there 'tis."

Now Bernie was quite impressed. He asked, "How does it taste?"

The farmer replied, "Well, that's the durndest thing. Ah don't know. Ain't none of us been able to ketch one a the varmints yet."

Received from shawn.

(_:][:_)

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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Column - - http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/

Limerick Ode To “World Kindness Day”
November 13th, 2012

Happy “World Kindness Day,” which is celebrated on November 13th.

Limerick Ode To “World Kindness Day”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It’s “World Kindness Day.” Try to be nice.
Put your mean inclinations on ice.
Be pleasant and sweet—
A warm smile would be neat.
Please don’t hurt me — it’s only advice.

(Linked at DVerse Poets.)
© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
http://www.madkane.com/
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
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http://www. aapcc. org/
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
~~~~~
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
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