Saturday, October 27, 2012

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Required Course

Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include:

Air Life MedEvac Crew moves Mike to the Helipad at Magnolia Regional Medical Center. Annette and Lou Murphy are in the background.

Pall Bearers (Robert Davison, Brandon Clark, Mark Simon, Sim Baily, David McClellan and Undre Ellis) carry Mike's flag draped casket.

Rev. Jimmy Malone delivers the message.

Local American Legion members present the flag to Dorothy.

American Legon members salute the casket as it's brought into the graveyard.

Josiah at the graveyard (checking on "Bug" who was watching from the car.)

Volume 14, Issue 42 Friday, October 19, 2012

Hello ALL,


Dorothy, Mike, Jackie and JoAnn A happy dad with his girls.

Michael Kelley, 61, of Magnolia, passed away Monday, Oct. 22, 2012, at Dubuis Health System in Texarkana, Texas. He was born Feb. 9, 1951, in Magnolia. Mike served 21 years and retired as a chief gunners mate in the United States Navy. While serving in the Navy he received several Naval awards and was known as the “go to guy” for the repair of large caliber guns. He served on several ships during his career and was stationed around the world with Greece, the Philippines and Hawaii being his favorite duty stations.

His last duty post was the Battleship “New Jersey” which was decommissioned on Feb. 8, 1991 in Long Beach, Calif. Mike’s youngest daughter, Jackie, has the distinction of being the last child born to an active duty crewmember of the “New Jersey”. After his military discharge Mike worked as a truck driver until his full retirement. He then spent his time with his children and grandchildren, playing chess with his friend Jim and helping his neighbors and most anyone else who needed a hand.

He was preceded in death by his father, Harry W. Kelley of McNeil, and his mother, Dorothy Jean Green Kelley Montgomery of Magnolia.

Mike is survived by his three daughters, Dorothy Kelley of Springdale, JoAnn Clark and husband Brandon of Rogers, and Jackie Simon and husband Mark of Rogers; two sisters, Beth Waller and husband Gary of Byron, Ga., and Annette McClellan and husband James of Magnolia; three brothers, Wendell Kelley and wife Donna of Santee, Calif., Shawn Kelley and wife Jan of San Diego, Calif., and Danny Kelley ; two grandsons, Trey and Undre Ellis of Springdale; one granddaughter, Lila Shea Ellis of Springdale; step-son, Rey Quiosay and his wife Alex of Moore, Okla.; mother of children, Abelita Williams of Camden; his chess friend, Jim Williams of Camden; and numerous nieces, nephews and friends.

Graveside services were held at Lydesdale Cemetery with Bro. Jimmy Malone officiating, under the direction of Lewis Funeral Home, Inc. of Magnolia. Music was be provided by the family.
We were fortunate to have Mike move in a couple of blocks from us this spring. It enabled us to enjoy his company and share our lives in what turned out to be his final months of life.
He enjoyed visiting with us, with the gang at Farmers Insurance and playing chess with his friend Jim in Camden.
He suffered a “minor” stroke on September 14 and, as his condition worsened, was flown to St. Michaels in Texarkana on the 18th of September. He was basically unconscious from that point on, though there were periods where he “woke up” somewhat.
When he was “awake” he did recognize us and even mouth things like “Hi.” But it was tough seeing him in a hospital bed that long. After a few weeks, he was transferred to the Dubuis Long Term Care unit at Wadley. We really appreciate the care they gave him. It was reassuring to us.
His daughters live in northwest Arkansas and visited him as they were able. Up until the last few days, we were all expecting him to eventually recover. When his condition worsened, the girls came down and were with him when he passed.
God Speed Mike Kelley.
Mike loved to “pick” at folks. No visit to the doctor, insurance agent, car dealer, etc. would be complete unless he could playfully poke fun at folks. And his sister was no exception. For instance, he’d say; “You know that Moma loved me most.” Then he and Annette would compare Dorothy stories to prove who she loved the most.
He also liked my “Annette Stories” so here’s one more for Mikey.
Among the games Annette likes to play with me was the “Find the A&W” game. She loves A&W root beer and is ever vigilant to find an open A&W root beer stand. One afternoon, while we had been to Texarkana, visiting Mike, we were both a little sad as he had not been awake that day. As we were leaving Texarkana, Annette said; “A root beer would be nice, let’s stop at the A&W on the way out.” I was more than willing to get a root beer … but I didn’t know of any A&W root beer stands in Texarkana and said so. Annette replied; “We pass it every day when we’re coming into town.”
Now I admit that I’m sometimes unaware of things like A&W stands. But I had no earthly idea what she was talking about. So she started directing me to the location. For those who don’t know, Texarkana is full of one way streets and it takes some maneuvering to cover all the streets you can travel on coming into town.
So we wove back and forth through town looking for the A&W, after a while, I had to admit that they must have moved the stand because it wasn’t where “we” thought it was. Annette was a little put out that I couldn’t find something as simple as that root beer stand but she agreed that we needed to go on back to Magnolia.
And then we pick up the next Annette game. Having me order things from Sonic that aren’t on the menu.
As we drove into Stamps, she said, “We could stop at Sonic and get a root beer.” So, I stopped at Sonic and asked her what size root beer she wanted. This is where it got interesting. She told me; “Since we’re not at A&W, I’d prefer a diet root beer shake instead of just a root beer.” So I looked on the menu and didn’t see any kind of root beer shake, much less a diet one. But Annette explained; “It doesn’t have to be on the menu, just tell them we want a Diet Root Beer shake.”
Have any of y’all ever tried to order items not on the menu at Sonic or Burger King or McDonalds, etc.? It usually doesn’t work too well, but, as I had the “unstoppable force” sitting next to me, I pushed the button and ordered a diet root beer shake.
There was a pause on the speaker and then the lady explained; “We don’t have a root beer shake. Do you want a root beer float?”
Annette leaned over and said; “No. We want a shake.” The lady paused again and then, to my surprise replied; “Would you like me to mix the root beer float into a shake?” “Yes.” Annette replied.
So, no problem. If you want something off the menu, just bring Annette with you and it will get done.
She has the same effect on Wal-Mart folks when she’s returning an item. I can buy and item, keep it for a day or so before discovering it isn’t what I wanted or it doesn’t work properly and then attempt to return it. I’ll have the receipt, the item in the original packaging and certified witness affidavits and still be tied up for hours with the service desk before they “may” accept the return.
Annette will find an item laying on the closet floor, beat up and scratched up and carry its remains into Wal-Mart, with no packaging or receipt. The service desk staff will leap all over each other giving her a refund or exchange.
She does operate outside the normal laws of physics and WallyWorld.
A classmate of mine, Larry Joe Kingsbury, commented: … This election can't be over soon enough, but I fear the tone and tenor set by some in the campaigns will last long, long after the results are in. I think we are more divided, as a nation, today, than we were even during the Viet Nam War. …
Larry, I agree and Gerrymandering is one reason for our extreme political divisions.
Halen Allison has commented on “ Gerrymandering: The Radicalization of Politics and the Stifling of Democracy”

He writes: … the radicalization of politicians, is somewhat more nuanced, but it can be explained in part by asking a simple question. What incentive does a politician have to be politically moderate and appeal to a wide-range of voters if his entire constituency is ideologically homogeneous? The answer, of course, is that he has no incentive; he doesn’t need to appeal to voters ideologically different or even independent voters. He has a reliable base which will reelect him for as long as he seeks reelection. But at the same time, this politician may be forced to prove his ideological bona fides in order to appease the hard-line members of his constituency and so must drift further from the center. Project this across the entire nation and you can see why there are so few ideologically moderate politicians. You can also begin to understand why hot-button issues like abortion and gun control are the primary topics in any given election. Conservatives must be pro-life and pro-gun (and unequivocally religious; preferably Christian); liberals must be pro-choice and pro-gun control (and appearing religious doesn’t hurt). Most other issues, many pertaining to your freedoms, are relegated to secondary status….
You can read the whole article at:
Thus, Gerrymandering over the years has resulted in a storm of hardliners in the Senate and House. As each party has further refined their voting districts, it becomes harder to elect anyone who is not a rabid party hack.

And, even if elected, such hardliners have no use for cooperating in budgeting or other lawmaker functions. It’s not known how many billions of dollars it costs us for the incoming party to totally cancel the other parties’ projects and institute their own. We’ve seen this here for years as competing politicians took the Arkansas Fire Training Academy and moved its functions around the state to satisfy their constituents.
On a national scale, NASA is a great example of what’s wrong with not cooperating. Programs are started, funded then canceled and restarted in other districts. Even the Apollo moon missions were affected when Nixon canceled the last three missions, primarily because he didn’t want the democrats to bask in the light of a successful program that they started and sponsored.

I’d like to see a push to move election districts to the control of non partisan committees.

Hope springs eternal.
All the activity this week left me sort of short on humor so I decided to bring back a “Blast From The Past.” These items are from the December 28, 2001 issue of “Da Bleat.”
Few things are better at bringing a smile to folks than a visit to the Spud Nut shop here in Magnolia. Over the years I’ve had the privilege of going by there many morning to pick up spuddies, pigs and cinnamon rolls for safety and emergency team meetings. I also occasionally stop by to pick up a half dozen to share with the “Vampire” at Doc Murphy’s office. Always be nice to folks with needles.

The Spud nut shop is one Magnolia's prime town meeting places. You'll usually see a fine group of Magnolian's in there every morning, drinking coffee and discussing the world's problems. I've often wondered how it would work if the White House had a conference with those in the Spud Nut Shop every morning before the cabinet meetings in Washington.
I thought it would be a good time to remember an incident from the last century. This incident involves the
infamous "Taylor Boy" gang and their experience in;

"How to Wreck a Train"

Growing up in Taylor, I can remember sitting in Grandmother's yard and watching the "Arkansas and Louisiana" passenger train roll north through Taylor. My mother told about catching this train in Taylor and riding it to Shreveport on Saturdays to go shopping. Then, riding it back home that evening.
One day when I was about four years old, my mother bought tickets for me to ride this train from Springhill to Taylor. At that time, the train was pulled by a shining "F" unit engine. However, I was afraid of the big noisy contraption and Ricky Barnard ended up taking the ride in my place.
On other occasions, Dinah Sue, Charlie and I would play in the Cotton Gin down by the railroad (an activity strictly prohibited by our parents.) On many afternoons, we'd walk down the tracks looking for animals, loose spikes and anything else of interest to young children.
[My mother, in an attempt to dissuade us from playing on the tracks, used to tell a story of "Ollie", the guy who lost his head when hit by a train he didn't hear while walking on the tracks. We thought that was a "neat' story and retold it with relish to other kids, along with the story about the drunk hobo who fell asleep on the tracks and had his arms cut off.]
Another thrill for us kids was watching the men come through on their little inspection car. It was about 5' square, powered by a little lawnmower sized engine and had a bench across the front for the men to sit on. They'd travel up and down the tracks, inspecting the roadbed and making minor repairs.
When I was young, they stored the inspection car in a little shed on the south side of Taylor. The shed doors were secured with a big padlock on a large chain. I always assumed (or maybe I hoped) that the railroad men were better at repairing the rails than they were at building sheds. The doors didn't really fit together and we could squeeze between them and explore inside the shed.
I guess my uncles were just as enthralled with the train as I was. My mother told several stories about the railroad when she was young.
There was the story of the escaped convict that had a shoot out with the Taylor Marshall and County Deputies. One of the bullets from that exchange made a hole in the Norwood house down by the railroad tracks.
Then there was the story of how uncle Bob fell in a gondola car parked on the "Tram" siding and his brothers ran home afraid they'd get a whipping for playing around the railroad. By the time they got up the nerve to go back and see about him, the train had picked up the car and headed north. So they all when home and behaved themselves the rest of the day.
When Mrs. Mary asked them where Bob was, they all denied any knowledge of his whereabouts. Meanwhile, the train continued north with "hobo" Bob aboard. He was discovered by a railroad worker at Hope and taken out of the car.
He knew he was already in trouble so he started walking home, catching a ride every so often. It was late at night by the time he drug up into the yard.
Mrs. Mary asked him where he'd been all evening and he explained that he'd been playing on some railroad cars and fell in one and ended up being taken to Hope before he could get anyone's attention and then he had to walk back from there.
She whipped him for lying and told him he could go to bed without supper since he didn't want to tell where he'd really been.

On another occasion, the boys decided to wreck a train. So they piled up rocks on the track and took up positions in the field between the Masonic lodge and Mrs. Mable's house to watch the show.
Luckily(?) The inspection car came along before the train. It hit the pile of rocks while traveling at its full speed of five or ten miles per hour. The inspection car was derailed and the men were thrown off, into the ditch.
It was at this point that the boys decided that this hadn't been such a good idea after all and they all jumped up and ran home. The sight of four boys running full blast from the "scene of the crime" helped the railroad men recover from their shock quickly enough to note which house the kids ran into.
After they cleared the rocks off the rack and rerailed the inspection car, they paid a visit to my grandparents. Mrs. Mary was able to "persuade" the boys to never try to derail a train again. Of course, they had a constant reminder of their sin each time they tried to sit down for the next several days.
At last, an explanation: Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

It's not aging, it's the door!

Thanks to Waneta

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can’t stop singing “The Green, Green Grass of Home.” " That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, ………..It’s Not Unusual."

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Déjà-Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any

I went to a seafood disco Last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish With no eyes? A fsh.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, She tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of her other son. Her husband responds, "They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Thanks to Waneta
Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower, Cooter, Dale and K.C.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed

As the ambulance takes the body away, Dale says, "Well, someone should go and tell Cooter's wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Dale says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff.

Thanks to Gary Foreman
The following wisdom is shared by our friends.
Jim Ford - - There are two ways to capture and enslave a country. One is by the sword and the other is by debt. - John Adams
Nancee Davis Law

When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand, Jesus will be your friend.

You can't have a positive future, looking at a negative past

you can't change the past so don't live in it. It's a new Day!!

Be the umbrella in someone's storm.

God will become more in us when we become less in ourselves.

It's not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings. Ann Landers

A balanced breakfast is very important - therefore we should have a cup of coffee in BOTH hands!!

God doesn't owe us anything which makes the fact that He gives us everything even more awesome.

"Latte" (noun) Italian for "You paid too much for that coffee."
Jimmy Malone - - What if smart phones make people dumber?
Wendell Franks - - Although it felt like opening Christmas presents on Dec. 23, I just joined all of you who voted early. I'm quite proud to say that, for the first time I remember, I was careful to split my ticket, voting both for R and D. In the days of George McGovern (R.I.P.) and J. William Fulbright, I voted Democrat. In my middle age, I voted Republican. At 60, I've finally realized that politicians of neither party give a (kindly insert your favorite pejorative or simply default to "darn") about this great nation or its citizens, and neither deserve loyalty. Democracy is, by nature, a process of negotiation and compromise, and the slash-and-burn extremists of both fringes are equally a threat to our nation. End of speech. I'm through now. Okay, really, that's it. For a printed transcript, visit

Recipe of the week: Recipe — Lemon Mustard Lamb Chops

Broiled lamb chops with lemon juice and a parsley, mustard, garlic, lemon zest, and rosemary sauce.

Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 8 minutes

2 parsley sprigs
2 tbsp Dijon mustard
1 cup garlic cloves, chopped , minced
1 tsp fresh lemon peel , grated
1/2 tsp dried rosemary , crushed
1 lb lean lamb loin chops , trimmed (4 - 4oz. pieces)
2 tbsp fresh lemon juice
1 cooking spray
1 medium lemons , quartered

1 In small bowl, blend parsley, mustard, garlic, lemon zest, and rosemary.
2 Place lamb chops in shallow baking dish.
3 Spoon lemon juice over chops, and let stand for 15 minutes.
4 Preheat broiler. Coat broiler pan and rack with cooking spray.
5 Place lamb chops on the prepared rack. Spread half of mustard mixture evenly over chops.
6 Broil chops 4" from the heat for 4 minutes. Turn and spread remaining mustard mixture evenly over the chops.
7 Broil for 4 to 5 minutes, until slightly pink in the center.
8 Garnish with lemon wedges.

Bob Rankin - - AskBob - - Geekly Update - 26 October 2012 - - Are those stories about alien abductions really true? Can spending an entire day without your Smartphone make you dumb? And if you thought the Internet was made of wires, you need to see this shocking newly-discovered evidence to the contrary. Get answers to these burning questions, and the scoop on the latest tech news, in this edition of the Geekly Update. It's guaranteed to make you 146% smarter, read on...
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.

Please see this Excellent Article by Bing West on the Libya Debacle. []

Please see the latest Army Story From Afghanistan. []

Very Respectfully,
Michael Yon
Your Writer,

Please remember that this website accepts no advertisement and is dependent on your support.

PS Please sign up for my updates at "Michael_Yon" [] (not Michael Yon).
If you would like to encourage US Troops overseas, but are not sure just how to begin, visit for ideas.
~~~~~ - - Friendly is the theme of today's featured stories. Enjoy!

And The World's Friendliest Country Is...? []
Forbes Magazine ranks the countries where it is easiest to befriend locals, learn the local language, and fit into a new culture. Where does the USA rank?

Gorgeous Injured Owl Appreciates Rescuer []
You have to see this gorgeous owl and how he lets a man pet him and get him the help he needs.

ACC SmartBrief - - U.S. will continue to hold competitive advantage from shale gas - - The U.S. chemical sector is taking advantage of the cheap natural gas supply from shale formations through $40 billion in planned petrochemical investments in the next few years, said Owen Kean, senior energy-policy director with the American Chemistry Council, at an energy forum Thursday. Natural gas and natural gas liquids from shale are key building blocks for a lot of products. The U.S. "will continue to enjoy a decisive competitive advantage" as long as it continues production of shale-derived gas and NGLs, Kean said. (10/25)
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include - - Pall Bearers (Robert Davison, Brandon Clark, Mark Simon, Sim Baily, David McClellan and Undre Ellis) carry Mike's flag draped casket. Rev. Jimmy Malone delivers the message. Local American Legion members present the flag to Dorothy and members salute the casket as it's brought into the graveyard.
For the latest issue of "Da Bleat.", go to
Our photos are posted at
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
BreakPoint - - Better Microbes - - Nature Abhors Promiscuity
By: John Stonestreet | Published: October 26, 2012

Since the sexual revolution, the “enlightened” have viewed chastity and monogamy as “unnatural.” But, what’s really unnatural is promiscuity.

My colleague Eric Metaxas recently told BreakPoint listeners about a new strain of gonorrhea “that is resistant to the only class of drugs that can ‘reliably treat’ the disease.”

What’s true of bacteria like Neisseria gonorrhoeae is also true of virtually every other microbe: They are very adaptable and they change faster than our ability to develop treatments that will kill them.

But in order to adapt, they often need—and get—a helping hand from humans.

Let me explain. As Laurie Garrett chronicled in her book, “The Coming Plague: Newly Emerging Diseases in a World Out of Balance,” the four decades between Alexander Flemings’ discovery of penicillin and the mid-1960s were the most optimistic time in the history of medicine.

The development of more-effective antibiotics and breakthroughs in genetics and cancer research led many in the medical profession to look forward to the day when even old killers like cancer would be considered chronic, but not fatal, conditions.

Nowhere was this optimism more keenly felt than in the area of sexually-transmitted diseases. The incidence of STDs had dropped precipitously, and cases were easily treated with antibiotics. Resources previously devoted to keeping STDs in check were being shifted elsewhere.

But in less than a decade, this optimism was gone. Why? The Sexual Revolution. As Garrett tells us, changing sexual mores during the 60s and 70s acted as a kind of growth medium for STDs like gonorrhea to evolve into the “superbugs” that have public health officials worried today.

The combination of promiscuity, drug use, and the overuse of antibiotics as a kind of “backup plan” didn’t create the better world some promised: What it created were “better” microbes, or as in the case of HIV/AIDS, the transformation of a previously-unheard of virus into the source of a global pandemic.

The drug-resistant gonorrhea is only the latest chapter in a story that began with the Sexual Revolution.

The connection between “lifestyle” and adaptable microbes is well-documented. Equally well-documented is the unwillingness on the part of public health officials to admit it.

I’m not talking about “blaming the victim” here. I’m referring to what, in other contexts, has been called “the soft bigotry of low expectations.” In virtually every book or article about the emergence of antibiotic-resistant STDs, the inability of people to modify or even moderate their sexual practices, even in the face of life-threatening illnesses, is a given.

Somehow New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s restriction on soft drink sizes is hailed as social justice, but pointing out the dangers to public health posed by promiscuity is a big no-no.

Look, nature is obviously indifferent to our ideas about “freedom.” As the philosopher Joseph John Rickaby wrote a century ago, “nature abhors promiscuity.” He called promiscuity “suicidal” and added that a society where it was acceptable would be plagued by infertility and disease.

Time has proven him right, even if those entrusted with public health refuse to say so.

And it’s not just our physical health that’s at stake. Our mental and societal health is being decimated by the visual promiscuity that is pornography—something I discuss with Josh and Sean McDowell on this weekend’s BreakPoint this Week. This is easily one of the most stunning interviews I’ve ever conducted, and if you’re a parent, you simply must take a look at Josh’s new website: That’s "just," the number 1, click And come to to listen to the broadcast.
Further Reading and Information

Moral Philosophy
Joseph Rickaby | Echo Library | March 2007 []

Just 1 Click Away
A resource of Josh McDowell Ministries []

Sean McDowell Worldview Porn for Vimeo Preview
| Summit Lecture Series []


Copyright © 2012 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved

Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:

Senator John Boozman (R_ AR)
1 Russell Courtyard
Washington DC, 20510
Phone: 202-224-4843
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314

Other states congresspersons can be found at: []

"Every great mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied." - Pearl S. Buck

"The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind." - H. L. Mencken

"You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind." - Irish proverb

"Give me the liberty to know, to utter and to argue freely according to conscience, above all liberties." - John Milton

"Has fortune dealt you some bad cards. Then let wisdom make you a good gamester." - Francis Quarles

"Things don't turn up in this world unless somebody turns them up." - James A. Garfield

"It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good-humor." - Charles Dickens
Today's Seed from E-MIN via

Oct 26 - - Acts 12:7,9,11

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10,000 Egyptian Youth Gather in Desert to Worship
Jerry Dykstra (Oct 22, 2012)

"To sit among over 10,000 young people, worship with them in a roaring holy noise, listen to powerful and challenging messages and pray for God's powerful presence in our lives; really, it is hard to describe in words."

Read Full Story []

40 Days for Life: 341 Babies Saved So Far
Shawn Carney (Oct 23, 2012)

A second woman walked up to vigil participants to thank them for their witness. She said that a few days earlier, she was driving to the facility to have an abortion. She prayed for a sign to convince her not to go through with it. When she saw the 40 Days for Life prayer team on the sidewalk, she recognized the sign she had prayed for.

Read Full Story []

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GCF: Required Course

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to:
In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course.
The first day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was working - some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major.

"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music?"

"He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Menu Commands

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command...

Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?

Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.

Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me.

Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?

Caller: Yes, I sure do.

Agent: OK, now press Control-A.

Caller: I am, but nothing happens.

Agent: The text isn't highlighted?

Caller: No, there's no change at all.

Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening.

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Shopping Bags

My mother-in-law recently moved to a seniors' residence where they ask everyone to double-bag their garbage so it doesn't spill or break on the way down the garbage chute.

Since she does little shopping herself, she's asked us to bring her our used bags.

Living fifteen miles out of town, however, it isn't always convenient for us to boost her supply. So the next time we took her shopping, I explained the situation to the cashier, who kindly gave us a handful of extra bags.

The next day, my mother-in-law called. "Robert, can you please bring over some plastic shopping bags?"

"But, Mother," I said, puzzled, "you got 30 extra bags yesterday."

"Oh, no, dear," she replied. "I can't use those for garbage. They're brand new!"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Darn Cat

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab, "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Prayer Request

Our minister usually conducts an expanded altar call at the end of his sermon. He asks those with prayers or other requests, to come forward.

To the surprise and delight of the congregation, his three-year-old daughter, without a word to the mother, got up and made her way forward. She waited patiently while the others ahead of her made a request.

When her turn came, the minister leaned down to ask for her request.
She whispered, "Can we go to the restaurant after church?"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Magic Car

A mother gave her teenage daughter a car for her sixteenth birthday.
As she handed over the keys, she explained that it was a magic car.

The girl, of course, was very excited, and asked what it did.

"Well," said Mom, "Just get one ticket and you'll see how quickly it will disappear."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Officer Shortcut

A Navy officer, serving on an aircraft carrier, was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.

"Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded.

"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: DC Cabs

Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Washington DC knows they're some of the world's most brazen drivers. Oddly enough though, their current accident rate isn't all that bad. One day I asked one of the drivers the reason for that.

"Easy," he said. "all the really bad drivers are dead now."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Self-Employed

Many years ago, my friend worked for a large business. It was his lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy there. He wanted to go into business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough so that he could quit and start his own business.

A few years later, I was on vacation passing through the town where my friend's business was located. I stopped by for a visit. I said to him, "I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we're doing pretty well now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow! That's pretty nice! Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter which twelve hours you work."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Dollar

Rachel asked her mother for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park.

Kathy, impressed by her daughters's kindness, gave her the dollar.
"There you are Rachel," said Kathy. "But, tell me, isn't the little old lady able to work any more?"

"Oh she works!" was Rachel's reply, "She sells candy!"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Trix Are For Kids

Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only supposed to be for kids."

Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and not a person."

[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]

Man: "What's wrong?"

Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being wrong."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Jury Duty

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury selection process.
First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed into a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.

During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Rose

One morning I found a beautiful long-stemmed rose lying by the kitchen sink. Even though the flower was plastic, I was thinking how, after all the years we had been married, my husband could still make such a wonderful romantic gesture.

Then I noticed a love note lying next to it.

"Dear Sue," it read. "Don't touch the rose, I'm using the stem to unclog the drain."

_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Preposition

A gentleman wandered around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approached a student and asked, "Excuse me, young man. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at?"

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone, he replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, dummy?"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Baby Cry?

At 3 AM in the morning, a young wife shook her husband awake.

Groggily he asked "What is it?"

"The baby," she reminded him.

The husband sat up and listened intently.

"But I don't hear her crying," he protested.

"I know, and it's your turn to see why not!"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Check Your Bill

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Empty Cage

Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"

"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."

"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"

"Probably not," answers the keeper.

"Why not?" persists the visitor.

"Would you?"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Old Home

We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.

"If they could live here all those years, so can we," my husband confidently declared.

One November night, the temperature plunged to below zero and we woke up to find our interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.

After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he announced, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Fishing

A wife returning from a fishing trip with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbor.

"I did everything all wrong again today," she said. "I talked too loud, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Knowledge and Wisdom

The difference between Knowledge and Wisdom:

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting tomatoes in a fruit salad.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Small Town

Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.

"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Freedom Peppers

A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store.
He says, "Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?" He pronounces it "joe-la-pen-oh," not "ho-lo-peen-yo."

The cashier says, "Sir, that's not what those peppers are called."

The man replies, "Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce any word the way I please."

The cashier responds, "That may be, sir, but those are green peppers."
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Screwdriver

While assembling furniture for a friend, I asked her five-year-old son to bring me a screwdriver.

He said, "Do you want a Daddy screwdriver or a Mommy screwdriver?"

"Which one can you get faster?"

"The Mommy screwdriver."

"Okay. Bring me a Mommy screwdriver."

The child came back and handed me a butter knife.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: The Rules of Bureaucracy

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard to understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Glass of Water

A father stayed home one night to watch his son while his wife went to a PTA meeting. Later in the evening he settled down to watch TV.

But his son repeatedly kept coming in and asking for a glass of water.

After the fifth glass,the dad lost his patience and yelled, "I'm trying to watch the TV. Go to Bed."

"But Dad", the boy wined,"my room is still on fire!"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Checking Out

I was checking out at a busy supermarket and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and then the cashier spilled a handful of coins.

When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself!"
_ _______________________________ _
GCF: Mexican Restaurant

A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem - it wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written.

"That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"
_ _______________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
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Ot Yet?

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex.

We often took our breaks in the kitchen and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients who had not wanted to eat them.

One night a woman brought a pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"

Another student and I devoured every delicious crumb!

Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?" (hot yet?)

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Penny for Your Thoughts

One morning Grandma was over at the doctor's house when her daughter called, who was sort of frantic because her son had swallowed a penny. The daughter wanted Grandma to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be seen.

When she asked the doc, he calmly replied, "I don't think it's necessary. Just watch him closely for any change."

Received from Timothy Anger.


One-Armed Consultant

The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one-armed consultant with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."

The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?"

The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase 'on the other hand.'"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Oneliners Part 2

Before the '60s, most teenagers used self-control.

Money talks, but credit has an echo.

Practice courtesy. You never know when it might become popular again.

One man's wage rise is another man's price increase.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.

The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.

When you're at school, you wish you were old enough to work.

Night falls . . . but . . . Day breaks.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

It's a new year, do you know where your credit cards are?

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once.

A hundred men may make an encampment, but it takes a woman to make a home.

A healthy male adult bore, consumes each year, one and a half times his weight, in other people's patience.

Whenever buying a gift for a couple celebrating their 60th anniversary, buy them something they will use right away.

I told my teenage son to enjoy this part of his life, that he would never again feel so secure in his ignorance.

I know that you're nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

Received from Irene A. Mystery.


Hotel Pets?

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


The Recession

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

* My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

* CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

* Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

* I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

* If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

* Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

* My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

* A picture is now only worth 200 words.

* McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

* The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

* When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

* A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Received from LeoDaVinci.



Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'"

Turning to the third gent, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age.'"

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.


Groaner: Endangered Species

My wife and I were flipping through TV channels the other night, and we settled for a while on one of those wildlife programs -- this one was about the cheetah.

A thought occurred to me. "You know why they're endangered, don't you?" I said.

She nodded. "It's that old saying, 'Cheetahs never prosper.'"

(from Joel Rosenberg)

Received from Stan Kegel.


Church Nevers

6. Never ask an usher to break a $20.

5. Never do a cannonball in the baptismal tank.

4. Never hold a church business meeting on Super Bowl Sunday.

3. Never tell the pastor, "We love your church, and we might even come back next Easter."

2. During youth group activities, never bungee jump off the church steeple or play chicken with the church buses.

1. After a soloist of impressive size sings "Love Lifted Me," don't follow with the hymn "It Took a Miracle."

From "Bible Humor Top Seven Lists" by Dave Veerman and Rich Anderson

Received from Mikey's Funnies.


Famous Last Words

What could possibly go wrong?

Don't worry, I've done it a million times!

Watch this.

Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.

Don't worry, it's not used any more.

Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.

Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.

Yes of course the elastic is strong enough.

I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.

I thought it tasted rather strange.

Well "I've" never seen one that big.

Go for it! What's the worst that can happen?

You have driven this before, haven't you?

And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?

I've never had one of these fail to open before.

Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?

It's ok, I saw them do it on TV.

Let's see what this baby can do.

My mom's at the mall, go ahead.

That was our turn back there...

It's peacetime, let's enlist.

How much worse could it get?

Received from George "I just sent GCFL a donation" Brown.


Buying Shoes

Each day when I came home from work, I would drop to my knees and ask my four-year-old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself. We would spar around for a few minutes before supper.

One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home, and he replied, "Yes."

The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, "Do you want a box?"

Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose. After grabbing our son, we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckily, our salesman was also the father of a four-year-old.

Received from Stan Kegel.


Birthday Party

A lady threw a party for her granddaughter. She had gone all out with a caterer, a band, and even a clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and he would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high into the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I've never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum said, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.


Give Bubba a Chance

It was graduation night at Cox High School. They were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a problem. Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."

Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team. When the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance! Give Bubba another chance!"

The football coach and the principal had a quick conference. Afterward, the principal announced that they decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba was told that he will be given a "One Question" math test, and if he passed, he could graduate.

The question was, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thought for a couple of minutes and finally said, "I have it! The answer is 5!"

There was complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds, and then the entire Cox High School football team jumped up and began to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance! Give Bubba one more chance!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Psychology Course

In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was working - some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major.

"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music?"

"He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology."

Received from Clean-Laffs.


Petty Argument

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Gladly the Bear

A young boy attended his first Sunday school class, and he was relating the events of the day to his mother. "We sang a song about a bear," he proudly said.

"You sang a song about a bear?" his mother asked.

"Yes," he piped up. "We sang a song about a bear that was cross-eyed."

His mother blinked. "You sang a song about a bear that was cross-eyed?" she asked, wondering what this had to do with Sunday school.

"Uh-huh. We sang a song about a bear that was cross-eyed, and his name was Gladly," her son explained.

His mother pressed. "What do you mean?"

With a big smile, he said, "We sang 'Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear.'"

/* For those that don't know, this is a mondegreen ( of the church hymn "Keep Thou My Way" by Fanny Crosby. */

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.


C-130 Versus F-16

The C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about five minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said, "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."

When you are young, speed and flash may be great. When you get older and smarter, comfortable and dull are not so bad!

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Camping Trip

/* Happy Pi Day! */

The loaded mini-van pulled into a campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Blind Animals

Two animals meet in the woods, both blind since birth. Neither one knows what kind of animal it is, so they decide to feel each other to try to figure it out.

"What do I feel like?" the first animal asked.

"You have soft fur all over you, strong back legs, big back feet, a puffy little cotton tail, two long ears, and a twitchy little nose."

The first animal, full of joy, exclaimed, "I know what I am! I'm a bunny rabbit."

"Now it's my turn," said the second animal.

The bunny felt him, describing, "You're very long, narrow, and low to the ground. You're cold and slimy. You have long, sharp fangs and a little forked tongue that keeps darting out of your mouth."

"Darn," sobbed the second animal. "I'm a lawyer."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Beautiful Ego

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and she didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him.

"Really?" asked the boyfriend. "And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

Received from Andychap.


40-Year Difference

When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility between us.

"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.

"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone who's 104?'"

Received from You Make Me Laugh.



Heard over a public address system:

Will the person who lost the roll of $100 bills tied with a rubber band please come to the office. We've found the rubber band.

Received from Alden P Lewis.



Pastor Jim was driving along one day and saw a little boy trying to reach a doorbell. He stopped the car and got out to help the boy. He pressed the doorbell for him and said, "Now what do we do?"

"Now," the boy said, "we run!"

Received from Kellen Pechacek.



"Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again." - Anonymous

Received from Clean-Laffs.


Department of Lowered Expectations

During a road trip, I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a sign on the wall advising: "Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts.

After visiting several homes, she commented on the different styles of doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled. We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound like.

At the precise moment she touched the doorbell at one house, the church tower began to chime. She wheeled around with a look of amazement on her face. "Now that's a doorbell!"

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Cherry Brandy

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration: that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "Appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

Received from Clean-Laffs.

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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Humor - - A Limerick For National Chocolate Day

October 28th, is National Chocolate Day. (Okay, every day is chocolate day in my house. But still…)

A Limerick for National Chocolate Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Oh, no! Did I make a mistake
While baking that chocolate cake?
An ingredient doubled?
Or tripled? I’m troubled!
I should have bought something from Drake.
© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance _ 234_7371 (24 Hour)
Jail _ 234_5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control _ 800_222_1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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Interested in getting in touch with the Banner_News through e_mail? For the editor, For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events. []
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

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. We offer "Da Bleat" as text, a "Blog" and as a newsletter with pictures in Word and PDF format. The latest issue is usually updated sometime Saturday. For the latest issue, go to We also have a site [] where we post photos that I like.
We appreciate your encouragement. We also appreciate your communication when you desire to be taken off our mail list. If you are on this mail list by mistake or do not wish to receive "Da Bleat," please reply back and tell us to discontinue service to you. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2012 before it was sent.
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James F. McClellan
Editor/Publisher "Bug's Bleat"
418 North Jefferson Street
Magnolia, Arkansas 71753
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"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via "Fuzzy" Thurman
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Remember McClellan's Rules

1. Rejoice in that this is the will of the Lord concerning you.
If that doesn't seem to be working, remember;
2. All things work together for the good of them who love the Lord.
If that doesn't seem to be working, remember;
3. All things are subject to change.
And finally;
4. Don't let the son of a guns get you down!
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