Friday, October 12, 2012

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Magna Carta

Volume 14, Issue 40 Friday, October 12 2012

Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat”

Annette's plants, now (thanks to Brenda and Verna) inside our living room.

Center Point Digging to replace our gas line. Annette is still dealing with them to properly fix the area between our homes. They left it rough and sunken in places and this is Annette's path on her morning gardening rounds. I don't think these folks appreciate that they are dealing with "The Unstoppable Force" here. They've promised to fix the excavation all week and haven't yet done it. I pity the next company representative she talks to.

Our street, showing a large, dead tree that our neighbors had to have removed this week.

Annette's favorite flower,

and ...

Ethan looking over his new room

Hello ALL,

It’s been a mixed week. Annette’s brother Mike is still mostly sedated though they did move him to “Long Term Care” at Wadley in Texarkana. He’s battling pneumonia and the effects of the stroke. We’re making the trip over there every other day.
Dusty had his right elbow dislocated at football practice but is expected to be fine. They put it back in place that evening and now he just needs to let it heal.
Our special niece, Dorothy had her third child Thursday, a 9 lb 2 oz little tike named Trey.
Annette’s back is responding to steroid injections, though she’s moving carefully.
My Sugar and Heart doctors have changed my medications again, seeking a balance that benefits my kidneys and heart. It’s frustrating but I appreciate their attention.
One of the drugs they took me off of was my arthritis medication. But so far the pain hasn’t been a big thing.
And …. I started using a CPAP machine. Now we both have our own mask on either side of the bed. And I have to admit, after avoiding this for years, I’m sleeping better than I can ever remember.

Did you ever play a game as a child where you offered a playmate something and then jerked it away at the last moment? This game could be played over and over F O R E V E R.

One of the secrets of a long and happy marriage is keeping the “games” going in your lives. One of Annette’s favorites is the same sort of “offer and snatch” game that she likes to play with me at bedtime.

She pretends that she’s gonna let me go to sleep, and then she stops me from sleeping. You see, I’m one of those folks that (except for naps) need to prepare for sleep. I have a little routine that ends in me laying my head on the pillow and drifting off into that great dream sleep, you know the kind I’m talking about when the Oakridge boys are in the living room but it’s o.k. because you have the spatula?

Annette complains that I practically order her to go to sleep and then I stay up “puttering” around. The truth is, I’ve learned to make sure she’s asleep before starting my bedtime routine. Otherwise, she’ll usually interrupt my ritual and, as a result of the interruption, I don’t get to sleep when I wanted (or needed) to.

For instance, last night, I thought she was asleep so I prepared for bed, then, just as I was laying my head down, she popped awake and asked me if the crock pot had enough liquid in it to cook through the night. So I got back up, put on my house shoes (diabetics are not allowed to walk around barefoot) and went into the kitchen. The crock pot was fine but now I was reawakened and ended up tossing and turning, waiting for her to ask me something else before finally drifting off to sleep.

Another version of this involves her asking me questions about things we’re planning so I’m kept awake trying to remember if I did whatever I was supposed to. For instance, I’ll be drifting off when she suddenly asks; “Did you pay the water bill?” Of course I paid the water bill. … Didn’t I? It usually takes me a while to realize that I’m gonna have to get up and check to see if I did pay the bill or not before I can get to sleep.

Another favorite of hers is the appliance / fixture gambit. This includes asking if that’s the front bathroom toilet she hears “running”? (I don’t hear anything but she claims that she does, in spite of the fact that she is almost deaf to most spoken language. I know this because she’s always asking me to repeat my mumbles.) Eventually I’ll have to give in and go check that toilet.
Or she’s convinced that she left the stove on or the iron plugged in or any of hundreds of other reasons that I need to get up and go check.

As I explained, my defense is to get her to sleep first. Which is actually easier said than done. Though I have developed a method for turning her brain “off.”
I have a set of wireless head phones connected to the living room TV. At bedtime, I put on one of her favorite old movies and give her the phones. The dialogue of a movie that she knows by heart gently leads her to peaceful sleep. Of course “Pride and Prejudice” works better for this than her other favorite romantic movie … “The Terminator.” What, you didn’t know that “The Terminator” was a love story?
This week’s “Blast From The Past” is a "Bud" story titled "The Graveyard."

My mother had a favorite story that she loved to tell to youth groups and young people in general. It was the story of Uncle Joe who had passed away
before WWII.
Supposedly you could visit his grave on the night of a full moon and ask him questions. You could ask him; "What you doing Uncle Joe?" and he'd say nothing. You could ask him; "What you got to eat Uncle Joe?" and he'd say nothing, etc.

The joke was perpetrated by telling the kids the story, then taking them to Uncle Joe's grave on a moonlit night and standing there asking the questions. Of course, he'd say nothing, literally. He wouldn't say anything. This was considered a real knee slapper.

During the late 40s, she had a girl scout group and one evening they had a sleep over at our home. My dad knew that mom intended to tell them the story of Uncle Joe and to take them to the graveyard for the payoff.

My dad's best friend was Howard Pierce. He called Howard and arranged to pick him up that evening. Bud told my mom that he was going over to Howard's (the truth) and left her with the girl scouts.

At the appointed hour, she took the girl scouts to the grave yard, stood at the foot of Uncle Joe's grave and said; "What you doing Uncle Joe?" Whereupon, Howard Pierce, who was hiding behind a gravestone, answered in a gravely, haunting voice; "NOTHING."

Bud and Howard had to take the girl scouts back to town. My mother had left them in the graveyard when she fled.
Speaking of the Graveyard, here's a link to one of my favorite poems, The Cremation of Sam McGee by Robert W. Service:
I first read this poem when Jolly Higdon and Dinah Sue were studying it for their 9th grade literature class. Dr. Jerri Nielsen mentioned the poem in her biography; "Ice Bound.".
Favorite Quotes:
2001: A Space Odyssey
"I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you." -HAL
And … a quote from my Son-In-Love, a pastor, "God takes care of the impossible, all we have to do is the possible. God parted the Red Sea, all Moses had to do was pick up a stick."
The following wisdom is shared by our friends.
Sandra Blanchard
Watching America's Test Kitchen - Classic line: "Vegetarian dishes are better with bacon!"
John Britton
Pray like it's up to God, work like it's up to you. M.Batterson (the Circle Maker)
Michael Caldwell
“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.”
Jim Ford
Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on to them to do the same - Ronald Reagan
Chuck Jackson
Some (I ain´ naming names) see government as a series of courtroom battles: I win, or I lose; to keep my post, I have to show my constituency a winning record or convincingly demonize the opposition. Others see government as a series of business negotiations: I hope to get most of what I want in any one negotiation at not too high a cost; to keep my post, I have to convince those in my constituency I´m making the best deals possible for them. Neither model is perfect, but the latter leads to greater accord and results more palatable to both sides. Our Constitution is one such result.

Not doing too good. Forgot my underwear this morning and have felt out of shorts all day. :0)
Nancee Davis Law
When Satan comes knocking tell him to hold on while you go get your Father and see how quickly he leaves.

You can respect someone you do not like but you will never like someone you do not respect

I would never want to be without my family. They make my life worth living.

God created you on purpose for a purpose.

Every day might not be a good day, but you can always find something good in every day! :)

Worrying does not take the stress out of tomorrow, it takes the strength out of today.

I'm starting this morning off on a positive note. I'm positive that I hate mornings. lol

we should always listen to our heart ... because even though it's on our left, it'll always be right

It's not WHAT we are handed in life, but how we handle it that makes a difference.
Jimmy Malone
The world has lost the power to blush over it's vice; the Church has lost her power to weep over it. ~ Leonard Ravenhill

When Jesus hits you where you live, it's gonna leave a mark. #neverthesame

Small boy, upon seeing my LSU hat:"Are you from Louisiana?"


"I don't watch that show, but I've seen it."
Beth Anne Rankin
QUOTE OF THE DAY -- "The supreme quality for leadership is unquestionably integrity. Without it, no real success is possible, no matter whether it is on a football field, in an army, or in an office." -- President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Waneta Reardon
If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have?
That's right, a black eye and broken hand.
Norma Kay Rowe
When a wise man has a controversy with a foolish man, the foolish man either rages or laughs, and there is no rest. Proverbs 29:9
A good old semi accurate story - - When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent years and almost $100,000 to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.
NOTE: This is substantially true, however, the Russians eventually switched over to the NASA pen because using pencils resulted in tiny pieces of pencil lead floating in the cabin air.
Ask Bob Rankin - - Is a Paperless Office Really Possible?

The year was 1984. I was a newly-hired programmer at IBM, listening to a lecture on the future of technology. At the end, someone asked the presenter about the notion of the paperless office. I'll always remember his reply: 'We will sooner see a paperless bathroom than a paperless office.' Almost 30 years later, have we made any progress toward the goal of going paper free?

LADA Awareness Week - - October 15-22, 2012 - - To help increase understanding and reduce misdiagnosis of latent autoimmune diabetes in adults (LADA), Diabetes Hands Foundation (DHF) and dLife united to create LADA Awareness Week to be recognized each year starting on the third Monday in October.

Recipe of the week: Quick Chicken Fricassee - - From America's Test Kitchen Season 12: Simply Chicken
Why this recipe works:

In search of a streamlined technique that would give this classic French braise weeknight potential and a brighter, more complex sauce, we replaced the bone-in chicken parts with convenient boneless, skinless breasts and thighs. We found two ways to add back the richness that we’d lost when we opted for boneless chicken: We browned the meat in a combination of butter and oil, and we browned the vegetables until they developed their own fond to serve as the base of the sauce. Increasing the amount of glutamate-rich mushrooms boosted the fricassee’s meaty flavor. As a final step, we finished the sauce with sour cream, which added body and a pleasant tang. Whisking an egg yolk into the sour cream thickened the sauce and made it incredibly silky.
This classic French dish of poached chicken in cream sauce would have a lot going for it, if we could streamline the recipe and punch up the flavors.

Serves 4 to 6

Two tablespoons of chopped fresh parsley leaves may be substituted for the tarragon in this recipe.

2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts, thighs, or a combination
Table salt and ground black pepper
1tablespoon unsalted butter
1tablespoon olive oil
1 pound cremini mushrooms, stems trimmed, caps wiped clean and cut into 1/4-inch slices
1 medium onion, chopped fine (about 1 cup)
¼ cup dry white wine
1 tablespoon unbleached all-purpose flour
1 medium garlic clove, minced or pressed through garlic press (about 1 teaspoon)
1 ½ cups low-sodium chicken broth
1/3 cup sour cream
1 egg yolk
½ teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
2 teaspoons juice from 1 lemon
2 teaspoons minced fresh tarragon (see note)


1. Pat chicken dry with paper towels and season with 1 teaspoon salt and ½ teaspoon pepper. Heat butter and oil in 12-inch skillet over medium-high heat. When foaming subsides, place chicken in skillet and cook until browned, about 4 minutes. Flip chicken and continue to cook until browned on second side, about 4 minutes longer. Transfer chicken to large plate.

2. Add mushrooms, onion, and wine to now-empty skillet and cook, stirring occasionally, until liquid has evaporated and mushrooms are browned, 8 to 10 minutes. Add flour and garlic; cook, stirring constantly, 1 minute. Add broth and bring mixture to boil, scraping bottom of pan with wooden spoon to loosen browned bits. Add chicken and any accumulated juices to skillet. Reduce heat to medium-low, cover, and simmer until instant-read thermometer registers 160 degrees when inserted in breasts and 175 degrees when inserted in thighs, 5 to 10 minutes.

3. Transfer chicken to clean platter and tent loosely with foil. Whisk sour cream and egg yolk together in medium bowl. Whisking constantly, slowly stir ½ cup sauce into sour cream mixture. Stirring constantly, slowly pour sour cream mixture into simmering sauce. Stir in nutmeg, lemon juice, and tarragon; return to simmer. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Pour sauce over chicken and serve.

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Family Circle - - 10 Favorite Macaroni and Cheese Recipes

Try one of our delicious takes on the classic dish.
By Julie Miltenberger and Melissa Knific

Local “Ham” Radio News - - Here's the preliminary results of our efforts in putting K5PEA on the air September 08 in the Arkansas QSO Party:

In the 12 hours of the contest, we made 259 QSOs (probably a few dupes in there, though). Worked 39 states (including Hawaii), three Canadian provinces and Cuba.

Don't know if that's enough win, but that should put us up there in the top five in the estimation of K5MUO.

As usual with these things, Murphy struck. But fortunately he struck on setup day, Friday. After years of faithful service, both my TS-680s and my Kenwood 30A power supply just died. Joe came through and we used his TS-450 for the entire contest, and Tommy retrieved a power supply. Fortunately, I had another power supply, too, so we were good there.

We had three antennas up in the oak trees behind the church: a fan dipole for 10, 15 and 20; an inverted vee combo for 75 and 40; and a 20 meter dipole angled in a different direction from the fan dipole.

All contacts were either on 20 or 40.

Thanks to everyone who came out. It was fun. Anxious to see how we did compared to everyone else.


I think Gov Beebe has done some good things for the state by cutting through the political nonsense and just doing the right thing. Here is an editorial about him from the Hot Springs Sentinel-Record.

‘Well said, Gov. Beebe’

By Melinda Gassaway, Executive editor of the Hot Springs Sentinel-Record

There are times when a public official’s display of ire might seem disingenuous or all for show.

But, Gov. Mike Beebe’s obvious pique on Wednesday at televised advertisements he feels are “trashing Arkansas with absolutely false information” appeared absolutely a matter of personal conviction.

We say that because Beebe, like any other politician in such a high-profile position, is scrutinized to the maximum on a daily basis. Yet seldom, if ever, do we hear that the head of our state government is playing to the media or attempting to bring undue attention to himself.

So when Beebe showed his anger at the $1 million negative ad campaign before and during his address to the Arkansas Rural Education Association’s fall conference in Hot Springs, we feel he spoke for many of the state’s citizens, who, at some time or another, have been denigrated by outdated stereotypical views of our and other small states in the South.

According to a Washington Post report, Americans for Prosperity, an out-of-state conservative political action group funded by billionaires Charles and David Koch, seeks a conservative Republican takeover in both houses of the Arkansas Legislature in the Nov. 6 general election.

To that end, the Americans for Prosperity advertisements assail Arkansas’ educational system, tax rates, business opportunities and lack of jobs, which they claim has sent “thousands fleeing from the state.”Beebe on Wednesday countered these assertions by noting that Arkansas is one of only four states that “never had a budget shortfall throughout the recession; that Arkansas ranks fifth in the nation in education — a “top priority in state government” — and that Arkansas, during his term as governor, has cut more taxes (a net of $730 million) than anybody in the state’s history.

He candidly acknowledged that Arkansas, like “the rest of the country,” experienced considerable job loss due to the recession, but he also pointed out that as of June 30, “there were 27,000 more civilian labor force jobs than there were when the recession hit us in 2009.”

Hot Springs and Garland County residents can attest to the fact that between 2009 and today, and unlike many other areas in the region, this community added several new small businesses to the commercial mix, passed a public safety tax to fund a larger detention center, continued to attract retirees from all across the country, saw increasing enrollment at National Park Community College, and ongoing academic progress in Garland County schools.

It was apparent from the tenor of Beebe’s remarks that he finds the attack ads especially galling and patently unfair to the people of Arkansas. He said, “They’re trashing our teachers, our superintendents, our firemen, our policemen, our state employees, our large businessmen, our farmers, our ranchers — all the folks who have caused Arkansas to stand out in the midst of the worst recession in my lifetime, (a recession) caused by a bunch of greedy folks on Wall Street...”The governor’s comments drew applause from attendees at the AREA meeting and we give him a tip of the hat for standing up for all Arkansans and for their hard work, persistence, and their continuing efforts to improve the economic outlook of our state.
Once again, I see folks are sharing vaccine rumors. This is face: CDC says to assume 1 in every 100,000 vaccine recipients will suffer serious side effects, and the death rate from the disease itself is 1 in 100,000.

However, 22 in every 100,000 persons who get the flu will end up being hospitalized. So, your chance of serious side effects from the vaccine may be the same as your chance of death from the disease. But your chance of being hospitalized due to the disease are 22 times higher than your risk of side effects.

Experts estimated that H1N1 killed 294,500 people and the WHO said that the death toll may actually have been much higher.

As before, I strongly encourage you to discuss vaccines with your medical provider. Medical School and experience really do trump rumor.
Another “soapbox” of mine: if you have water heater problems, please consider replacing it with a tankless or mini tank version. If you are "green" and / or you like saving utility bill money, a tank type water heater is a HUGE waste of your money and natural resources.
A tankless water heater comes with electronic ignition so there is ZERO gas used until you actually need hot water. This normally results in a savings of 75% to 90% of the cost of operating a normal water heater. A normal tank type heater runs ALL the time, keeping that tank of water hot for you. And you probably use it less than 90 minutes a day. Maybe only 30 minutes or less. But it sits there 24x7x52 burning gas to keep that water hot. It's like never shutting your car off, just pull in the garage and leave it idling until you’re ready to use it again. What do you think your cost of motor vehicle fuel would be if you did that?
But the bigger advantage of tankless is endless hot water. You never run out. It just keeps producing hot water on demand. That was the only problem we saw when we went tankless, our water bill went up because we'd hang out in the shower, letting that hot water massage all our muscles.
So, if it looks like you may need to replace that old heater, please don't replace it with an old wasteful model, use one of the new tankless or mini tank versions. I'll bet your state will pay you to do it in addition to the federal tax credit you can get for saving gas and money.
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.

It must among the most important letters to come out of the Afghanistan war. It is worth the time to read.[]

Very Respectfully,
Michael Yon
Your Writer,

Please remember that this website accepts no advertisement and is dependent on your support.

PS Please sign up for my updates at "Michael_Yon" [] (not Michael Yon).
If you would like to encourage US Troops overseas, but are not sure just how to begin, visit for ideas.

Uplifting with a twist of the bittersweet tie today's stories together.

Cancer Patient Gives Birth To Quadruplets []
Ashley Adams and her husband, Andy, were shocked to discover they were expecting quadruplets in March. 4 months into the pregnancy they also found out she had cancer. How do you fight for your life and deliver 4 healthy babies? This young mom shows how.

Nightly Taps Makes Neighbor Take Notice []
Residents of a quiet little neighborhood in Tacoma have been hearing something wonderful for the past couple of years just as the sun begins to set over Puget Sound. That something is the song, "Taps." Here's why.

ACC SmartBrief

Shale-driven chemical activity is fueling related economic growth
Active and planned expansion in chemical manufacturing is also generating benefits for boutique chemical companies, the metals sector and other industries, according to multiple analyses, including an American Chemistry Council study. "This is a big part of a bigger story," says Bob McCutcheon, a lead contributor to a PricewaterhouseCooper study examining shale gas and U.S. manufacturing. "It is a major contributing factor to a competitive environment that could lead to a resurgence of manufacturing." Kevin Swift, ACC's chief economist, agrees, stating that the effect across industries may lead to "a whole manufacturing renaissance in this country."

Area Development magazine (Fall 2012), []

Pittsburgh Tribune-Review (9/26), []

San Antonio Express-News []
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include - - Center Point Digging to replace our gas line. Our neighbors large, dead tree, Annette's flower, Ethan looking over his new room and Annette's plants now inside our living room.
For the latest issue of "Da Bleat.", go to
Our photos are posted at
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
BreakPoint - - Restraining Leviathan - - What to Make of the HHS Mandate
By: John Stonestreet|

How in the name of “freedom” does the government restrict religious liberty?

John Stonestreet - A recent episode of the “Diane Rhem Show,” one of the most listened-to public radio programs in the country, featured a conversation with Sandra Fluke. Fluke, as you may recall, is the former Georgetown Law School student who testified before Congress in favor of the HHS mandate. She was then turned into a kind of “martyr” when Rush Limbaugh made outrageous comments about her personal life.

Not surprisingly, Fluke defended the HHS mandate on the “Diane Rehm Show” as well. Nothing especially noteworthy here.

What is noteworthy, although not surprising, is the grounds on which Fluke justified the infringement of religious freedom: the right of women to bodily autonomy and the benefits to society from universal, subsidized contraception.

It’s noteworthy not because it represents something new, but on the contrary, it represents something as old as the modern state itself.

This is the conclusion of a fascinating and important article on the "First Things" website written by Patrick Deneen, a professor of Political Science at Notre Dame.

The title of the article, “President Obama’s Campaign for Leviathan,” a reference to philosopher Thomas Hobbes’ book of that name, does the piece a disservice by suggesting that the problem is of recent vintage. That’s not at all the case.

As Deneen tells us, “the origin of the [HHS] mandate lies in an impulse that can be dated back to the beginnings of the modern era and the rise of the state.” If your history is a bit rusty, the beginnings of the modern era date back to the early-to-middle seventeenth century.

The “impulse” Deneen is referring to is the way that the modern state, as described by Hobbes, poses as a kind of “liberator.” In this case, the one being “liberated” is the individual. What he—or in this case, she—is being liberated from is interference, or even the fear of interference, from other individuals. The “liberation” offered by the modern state is the freedom to “pursue his or her own ends” as he or she sees fit.

In other words, personal autonomy.

Of course, there’s a catch: in exchange for being liberated, individuals must pledge their primary allegiance to the state. Every other traditional allegiance—to family, church and community—is seen as secondary and voluntary. They have no authority over us apart from what we choose to let them have, which, practically-speaking, means none at all, since we can always change our minds.

In this telling, religion is less than a private matter—it’s an individual one. Religious teachings about, well, anything, can bind the individual’s conscience, but any larger applicability is dependent on whether it meets the state’s interests.

It was this vision of the modern state that set in motion the forces that, over time, led to what the late Richard John Neuhaus called the “naked public square.” I say “over time,” because the kind of secularization Deneen wrote about unfolded gradually. But while the American founders, for the most part, viewed religion and religious freedom as vital for the maintenance of self-government, the seeds of secularization were present at the birth of the republic.

Those seeds have sprouted in full. Fluke’s justification for the HHS mandate is, consciously or not, straight out of Hobbes’ playbook: religious freedom sacrificed in the name of personal autonomy and allegiance to the state.

What should our response be? Well, that’s the subject of Monday’s broadcast. And this weekend please listen to BreakPoint this Week, where my guests and I tackle American education, another area where Leviathan can be seen.

In the meantime, please come to, click on this commentary, and read Professor Deneen’s insightful "First Things" article.
Further Reading and Information

President Obama’s Campaign for Leviathan []
Patrick J. Deneen | On the Square, "First Things" | October 3, 2012

BreakPoint This Week []


Copyright © 2012 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved

Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:

Senator John Boozman (R_ AR)
1 Russell Courtyard
Washington DC, 20510
Phone: 202-224-4843
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314

Other states congresspersons can be found at: []

"Believe in those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." - Andre Gide

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." - Leo Tolstoy

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." - Albert Einstein

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." - Henry David Thoreau

"Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least." - Robert Byrne

"In all debates, let truth be thy aim, not victory, or an unjust interest." - William Penn

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost

"When every day seems the same, it is because we have stopped noticing the good things that appear in our lives." - Paulo Coelho

"Choose a profession you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." - Confucius

"I am not a liberal, not a conservative, not a gradualist, not a monk, not an indifferentist, . . . I have no partiality either for gendarmes, or butchers, or scholars, or writers, or young people. I regard trade-marks and labels as a kind of prejudice. My holy of holies is the human body, health, intelligence, talent, inspiration, love, and absolute freedom - freedom from violence and falsehood, no matter how the last two manifest themselves." - Anton Chekhov

"A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent upon arriving." - Tao Te Ching

"The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavor." - Vince Lombardi

"Know your enemy and know yourself; in a hundred battles, you will never be defeated. When you are ignorant of the enemy but know yourself, your chances of winning or losing are equal. If ignorant of your enemy and yourself, you are sure to be defeated in every battle." - Sun-Tzu, The Art of War

"Life must be lived forwards, but can only be understood backwards." - Kierkegaard

"For every complex problem, there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." - H. L. Mencken

Christian Broadcasters Preparing for Jesus' Return
Aimee Herd (Oct 11, 2012)

"In that day His feet will stand on the Mount of Olives, which is in front of Jerusalem on the east . . . Then the LORD, my God, will come, and all the holy ones with Him!" –Zech. 14:4-5

TBN Webcam (Jerusalem, Israel)—According to news reports, America's two biggest Christian broadcasters have positioned themselves to catch any Messianic action on the Mount of Olives, such as is described in the Bible of Jesus' return. (Edmund Sanders, Los Angeles Times / October 1, 2012)

Daystar Television Network—based in Texas—already had a live webcam in place, fixed on the Mount of Olives, and broadcasting a continuous live stream from the terrace of its Jerusalem studios.

Last month, Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN)—based in Costa Mesa—purchased the building next door, and has set up their own continuous live feed webcam trained on the same spot.

Both of the networks have targeted a portion of their programming toward those living in Israel, with the ultimate goal of supporting Messianic Jews, and bringing the Gospel to Orthodox Jews who will receive it.

According to the L.A. Times report, Christian Evangelical groups—such as TBN and Daystar—have "quietly and steadily expanded their footprint in Jerusalem."

Source: Edmund Sanders – L.A. Times

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GCF: Magna Carta

A bus full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Darn! Just missed it by a half hour!"
_ ___________________________________ _

GCF: Day's Catch

A fisherman accidentally left his day's catch under the seat of a bus.

The next evening, the newspaper carried an ad:

"If the person who left a bucket of fish on the No. 47 bus would care to come to the garage, he can have the bus."
_ ___________________________________ _
GCF: Speeding Ticket

A woman out driving with her husband was speeding along at about 60 MPH in a 50 MPH zone. A motorcycle cop appeared alongside and pulled her over. Deciding to give her a break, the cop said, "I'm going to put you down for fifty-five."

The woman turned to her husband. "See! I told you this dress makes me look old."
_ ___________________________________ _
GCF: Crazy News Tidbit

Anxious to "include" as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of (name removed to protect the innocent) has put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.

[This is brought to you by the same geniuses who put Braille instructions on the drive up window at the bank.]
_ ___________________________________ _
GCF: Not Hanging Around

O'Reilly was in a bit of a fix. He was filling in an insurance form and was asked to state how his parents had died. His mother was not a problem, she had died of a coronary at the age of 71, but his father had been hanged for murder at the age of 46.

He did not want to say this, though, so after a bit of thought came up with a solution and filled in the form:

"My father died at the age of 46 when a platform collapsed at a public occasion."
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GCF: Feeding the Animals

At a small zoo, visitors often ignored the many large signs that said, "Don't feed the animals!"

The zookeeper did not want to impose fines so he tried a different approach.

He posted signs saying, "Feed the animals for only twenty dollars!" and suddenly no one wanted to.
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GCF: Personalized Plate

One of my customers at the Department of Motor Vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can't forget the date."

A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application."
_ ___________________________________ _
GCF: Foreign Pizza

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he doesn't care for Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What on earth did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."
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GCF: Hooks

"What did you do this weekend?"

"I dropped some hooks into the water."

"How was the fishing?"

"I wasn't fishing; I was golfing."
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GCF: Flying United

A flight attendant on a United Airlines cross-country flight, about 30 minutes outbound from LA, nervously announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."

When the passenger's muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"
_ ___________________________________ _
GCF: The ABC Song

Customer in bookstore: Hey, can you help me find this book?

Clerk: Sure.

(He holds up a piece of paper with the title and author of a book on it. I find it on the shelves and hand it to him.)

Customer: Thanks! How'd you do that so fast?

Clerk: Well, I've worked here awhile, and the books are all in alphabetical order by author's name.

Customer: What do you mean?

Clerk: Alphabetical order. Like the alphabet song? You know, A's before B's?

(He looks confused, but then widens his eyes.)

Customer: The letters actually go in that order? I thought that song was just to remember them all.
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GCF: Semi-Pro Baseball

John was never shy about reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"My teammates used to call me James Bond," he was telling his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"That and he batted .007," his wife added.
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GCF: Mortgage Payment

Finally, our last mortgage payment came due. To make a ceremony of it, we went to the bank and paid in person.

The teller processed everything and handed me the closing papers.

Heading for the door, I suddenly remembered a rebate check I'd brought along to cash.

I went back to the same teller. "Sorry, we can't do that," she explained. "You don't have an account here."
_ ___________________________________ _
GCF: Iams Pet Food Hotline

The IAMS Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained customer service representatives at The Iams Company, handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country.

Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team's favorite calls this year:

"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering how many calories are in a mouse?"

"I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?"

"Does your dog food help with emancipation?"

"What should I feed a borderline collie?"

"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?"

"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?"

"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?"

"How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog food?"

"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?"

"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?"

"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?"

"Where can I get a six-toed cat?"
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GCF: Second Notice

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
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GCF: Driving Test

I'm a driving examiner for the Department of Motor Vehicles and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a red light without stopping. I told him that he had automatically failed the test. We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"
_ ___________________________________ _
GCF: Second Try

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just got home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"
_ ___________________________________ _
GCF: Dog Grooming

A lady took her dog to the groomer at pet store for a haircut and asked what it would cost.

The receptionist looked at her from behind the counter and told her that a bath and haircut started at around fifty dollars, but there were many options, so the price could vary.

Holding on to her dog's leash, the potential customer was visibly outraged.

"I only pay $25 for my own haircut!" said the woman indignantly.

The groomer replied, "That may be true, but then you don't bite, do you?"
_ ___________________________________ _
GCF: First Aid

After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR."

The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.

"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here!"
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GCF: Camping Tips

Q. What equipment will I need to go camping?

A. You need a tent. Tent sizes are measured in units of men, as in "a three-man tent"; this tells you how many men are required to erect the tent if they are all professional tent engineers. Even then, the tent will collapse under unusual weather conditions, such as nightfall. You will also need a hatchet, for the spiders, and a credit card, for the motel.

Q. Where should I go camping?

A. The United States has a spectacular national park system with millions of unspoiled acres where wildlife is protected by federal laws. Avoid these places. You want a commercial facility with a name like "The Stop 'n' Squat Kountry Kamp-ground," where large animals cannot fit through the 6-inch gaps between the Winnebagos.

Q. How much food should I take?

A. A lot. You'll be providing food not only for your family, but also for the entire raccoon community. When I was a boy in rural Armonk, our garbage cans were regularly terrorized by a gang of brilliant criminal raccoons. I recall being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud noises and looking out the window to see, by moonlight, my father, a peace-loving Presbyterian minister, charging around in the bushes, wildly swinging a baseball bat and saying non-Presbyterian words.

Of course, he did not get the raccoons; you NEVER get the raccoons.
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GCF: Helpful Mechanic

Taking my car to the mechanic, I was fearful that any needed repair might be too expensive. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.
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GCF: Eggplants

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
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GCF: Expensive Operation

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
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GCF: Luggage Check In

Busily checking in luggage for the large airline where I work, I have to ask every traveler, "Is this your suitcase?" At the peak of the afternoon rush one day, a man hesitated after my inquiry and then replied, "No, it's my brother-in-law's ... but he said I could use it."
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/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
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(((\ \>|_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_||_/ )_____________________( \_|<> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

Kevin had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Thanks to Corrine Reagan
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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Thanks to Buzzy Landry
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church
and Pastor Thibodeaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun
Now Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window, shook his fist and yelled,
'You religious nuts!'

From the curve, they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Tibodeaux and asks: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay....'Bridge Out'??"

Thanks to Joe Mullins
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Louisiana Story

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a Lafayette Street tavern. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally the man started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on and off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Received from Seymore Smyles & May Q. Chuckle.


Real Resume and Cover Letter Excerpts

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Its best for employers that I not work with people.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

Received from


Groaner: The Squaws

Three pregnant squaws go to the medicine man when their time comes to give birth.

He brings out an antelope skin and asks the first one to lie down on it.

Then he brings out a buffalo hide and asks the second one to lie on it.

The third one is the chief's wife, so he brings out an expensive imported hippopotamus skin and has her lie down on it.

The first one has a beautiful baby boy.

The second also has a beautiful baby boy.

The chief's wife has twin baby boys.

Which goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus equals the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Received from Stan Kegel.


Judge's Announcement

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel, and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.
"The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.

"In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



While in the Marine Corps, my husband, Greg, was a recruiter in Chicago. One morning he went to pick up a candidate at a crime-ridden high-rise building. He got into the elevator, and to his dismay, was joined by two tough-looking characters who demanded money.

My husband's training came to the rescue. Looking them in the eye, he began his recruiter's pitch. "This might be your lucky day," he told them enthusiastically. "We can use determined, forceful individuals like you in the Marines.
How would you like to serve your country?"

By the time he finished, the elevator had stopped at the candidate's floor, and the bewildered thugs quickly disappeared.

- from Reader's Digest, "Humor in Uniform"


Johnny and Math

Little Johnny was going to a public school and he was doing very badly in math. So his mother decided to put him into a Catholic school. When she got his report card at the end of the term, his marks in math had improved tremendously.

So she asked him why. He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"


Real Answers on Tests

These test answers were allegedly submitted by grammar school teachers around the country:

* One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

* Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.

* Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

* Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

* It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

* Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

* The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.


Groaner: Peas

Botanist Roy Noble had always dreamt of ending world hunger.
After years of research, his hard work paid off. He developed a strain of peas that would grow virtually anywhere. It grew fast, kept long without spoiling, and was more nutritious than even soybeans. He was an instant hero, world wide.

There were awards and parades, and naturally the new strain of peas was named Noble. After enjoying the fame and fortune for a while, Roy decided he wanted to do more, so he established a fund to award a monetary prize each year to botanists and horticulturists who were making significant contributions to their fields.

Thus was born the famous Noble Peas Prize.

(By Perfect Tommy)

Received from Stan Kegel.


Gray Hair

When I discovered my first gray hair, I immediately wrote to my parents:

"Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too."

I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.

My father's response was in the form of a poem:

It's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.

He signed off with this observation:

"That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Charity Better than Expected

Members of the Methodist women's church circle in one Wisconsin town some years ago were disturbed because a widowed church member and her three small daughters were staying away from services. Finding the reason to be a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies' group corrected the situation in a generous manner.

When the little girls still failed to appear at Sunday school, some of the ladies called to inquire about their absence.

The mother thanked them sweetly for the clothing and explained, "The girls looked so nice, I sent them to the Presbyterian church!"

Received from Steve Sanderson.


Government Office Rules

1) If it rings, put it on hold.

2) If it clanks, call the repairman.

3) If it whistles, ignore it.

4) If it's a friend, take a break.

5) If it's the boss, look busy.

6) If it talks, take notes.

7) If it's handwritten, type it.

8) If it's typed, copy it.

9) If it's copied, file it.

10) If it's Friday, forget it!

Received from Andychap.


Manservant Wanted

Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door.

"Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.

"I guess so," answered the man.

"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?"

"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married - but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


French Fries

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."

The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Long Live The Cowboy

A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.

He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Received from dadiodio.



We were proud that no one had fallen out on our company's first long hike.

Completely exhausted, we sprawled on our bunks, too tired to move -- except for one private. He showered and was ready to go out on the town.

We asked him why he wasn't knocked out like the rest of us.

"You know the truck that was with us in case anyone fell out?" he replied. "Well, somebody had to drive it."

- from Reader's Digest, "Humor In Uniform"

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Get Well Quick

A little boy sent a "get well quick" card to his grandfather in the hospital. Inside the card he wrote:

Dear Grandpa,

Mama tells me that you went to the hospital for some tests. I hope you get an "A"!

Love, Billy


Going to Iraq

Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. "I'm going to be away for a long time," I told him. "I'm going to Iraq."

"Why?" he asked. "Don't you know there's a war going on over there?"



/* Follow GCFL on twitter @gcfl or on Facebook at */

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Why can't men just ask for directions?

Received from dadiodio.


Breaker, Breaker Dog Buddy

My son Ward owns a shiny green four-wheel-drive truck. He also owns a 110-pound black labrador named Tony.

On trips, the dog generally sits on a platform behind the driver's seat, resting his huge head on Ward's shoulder as they travel cheek-to-cheek. Ward did not give this cozy arrangement a second thought until the day he took Tony with him on a trip to Montana.

While listening to his CB radio, Ward overheard one trucker remark to another, "See the little green four-wheeler you're about to pass? When you go by him, take a good look -- see if that's really a dog driving."

Received from Pastor Tim.


Baby Sister

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.

"It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Newly Rich

The nouveau-riche real-estate developer splurged on a Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow and couldn't wait to show it off. So after a meeting with the bank, he offered one of the senior officers a ride home.

"Whaddaya think?" he couldn't resist asking his passenger after a mile or two. "Pretty classy, eh? I bet you've never ridden in one of these before."

"Actually, I have," replied the banker graciously, "but this is the first time in the front seat."

Received from Joke du Jour.


News Bulletin

An opinion poll was taken recently among citizens in local high-rise retirement condos. The questions were direct and simple. The poll produced few surprises. The questions and answers follow...

What's the most important right guaranteed us by the Constitution? The senior citizen discount.

What is the greatest invention of the century?
The plastic in my new knees, hips, and heart valve.

What is the surest sign society is in decline?
Those neighbors carousing after 8 PM.

What is your favorite dinner entree?
Early birds.

Do you have trouble eating steak or corn on the cob?
Only when I misplace my teeth.

What's the cheapest way to lower winter heating bills?
Hot flashes.

What are your most bothersome medical problems?
Those not covered by Medicare.

What's the best substitute for a hard drug trip?
Bending down, then standing up real fast.

What are the hardest-to-find fashion accessories?
White shoes and belts.

Received from Bob Neff.


Parking Confusion

After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Hotel Pets?

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

Received from Laugh & Lift.


Holding a Job

A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job.

After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo.

When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.

Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open.

"Where are the tortoises?" he asked.

"I can't believe it," said the new employee. "I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!"

Received from Crosswalk.


Hot Shot Pilot

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this, hot-shot."

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Hot Day

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle, said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

Received from Clean-Laffs.


Breaker, Breaker Dog Buddy

My son Ward owns a shiny green four-wheel-drive truck. He also owns a 110-pound black labrador named Tony.

On trips, the dog generally sits on a platform behind the driver's seat, resting his huge head on Ward's shoulder as they travel cheek-to-cheek. Ward did not give this cozy arrangement a second thought until the day he took Tony with him on a trip to Montana.

While listening to his CB radio, Ward overheard one trucker remark to another, "See the little green four-wheeler you're about to pass? When you go by him, take a good look -- see if that's really a dog driving."

Received from Pastor Tim.


Baby Sister

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.

"It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


News Bulletin

An opinion poll was taken recently among citizens in local high-rise retirement condos. The questions were direct and simple. The poll produced few surprises. The questions and answers follow...

What's the most important right guaranteed us by the Constitution?
The senior citizen discount.

What is the greatest invention of the century?
The plastic in my new knees, hips, and heart valve.

What is the surest sign society is in decline?
Those neighbors carousing after 8 PM.

What is your favorite dinner entree?
Early birds.

Do you have trouble eating steak or corn on the cob?
Only when I misplace my teeth.

What's the cheapest way to lower winter heating bills?
Hot flashes.

What are your most bothersome medical problems?
Those not covered by Medicare.

What's the best substitute for a hard drug trip?
Bending down, then standing up real fast.

What are the hardest-to-find fashion accessories?
White shoes and belts.

Received from Bob Neff.

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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Column - -
Just what we all need — yet another reason to eat chocolate!

Eat chocolate, win a Nobel Prize?

It may sound far-fetched, but a new study suggests it might not be bad advice.

The results show countries that eat the most chocolate also have the highest number of Nobel laureates per capita.

Yet Another Excuse To Eat Chocolate (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If you want yet another excuse
To engage in some chocolate abuse,
It seems eating those sweets
Will create smart elites
And can Nobel Prize winners produce.

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
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"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

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