Saturday, November 14, 2009

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Yes, Sir!

Volume 11, Issue 46 Friday, November 13, 2009

Hello All,

My three months of 12 hours a day x 7 days a week working the Lion Oil turnaround are over. I’ve gone back on 40 hour work weeks at Lion so Annette moved me back home to Magnolia and I’m commuting to El Dorado to work. About the only thing I miss about my 12 hour work days was the GREAT sausage biscuit I got each morning at the Dixie Mart in Parker’s Chapel. That’s a little out of my way coming from Magnolia so I’m having to settle for a McDonald’s sausage McMuffin.
My job with Lion Oil is temporary; it was supposed to end when we got the plant back up and running. However they’ve kept five of us for special projects till the end of the year.
Like I’ve said before, Lion Oil is a great place to work and my particular job as a Safety Technician is a load of fun. Usually I start the day doing safety orientation for contractors coming into the plant, then help out with permits until we get caught up. After that I spend the day working on Safety Audit issues, helping with permitting when needed and maintaining safety equipment.
David, Bobbie, Dustin and Zac have moved to the Racquet Club area in El Dorado. They have a great home in a great neighborhood and Bobbie and the kids don’t have to drive to El Dorado each weekday. Now it’s David’s turn to commute down US 82. He and I are enjoying visiting via cell phone each morning as we head in opposite directions to work. We usually meet around the truck stop on the west side of El Dorado.
Speaking of fuel . . . and massive tax increases . . . “The Clean Energy Jobs and American Power Act” commonly known as “Cap and Trade” is likely to be the biggest tax increase in American history. And, it’s method of reducing pollution is not by reducing emissions but by driving many companies and families to bankruptcy. Therefore the companies will no longer contribute greenhouse gases, since they will no longer exist. And the families will be unable to afford fuel for their vehicles or to heat their homes so they will pollute less.
This bill will result in fuel prices skyrocketing due to both increased taxes and an artificial oil shortage caused by the demise of many domestic refineries. The net result will be an exponential increase in our reliance on foreign oil and fuel sources. ...
Do you think that will make our nation more secure? And I haven’t even addressed the fact that the writers of the bill have rewarded big campaign contributors by giving them massive “carbon credits” while small, independent businesses are gutted by the taxes in the bill.
Isn’t that the American way? Rewarding the big guy while beating the little guy to death?
If you want to know the real facts, check out Steve Cousins testamony before congress [].
Annette and I had our “Pig Flu Shots” Wednesday. We’d previously gotten our regular flu shots at the Community flu shot clinic held at the Magnolia Panther Arena a couple of weeks ago.
Now, I’d like to know why you haven’t gotten yours?

Here’s an explanation of Vaccine Priority Groups;

The following groups are listed as “High” priority to get the H1N1 (Swine Flu) vaccine:
Pregnant women
Household contacts and care givers for children younger than 6 months of age
Healthcare and emergency medical services personnel
All people from 6 months through 24 years of age
Persons aged 25 through 64 years who have health conditions associated with higher risk of medical complications from influenza. (e.g. diabetes, asthma, congestive heart failure, lung disease)

The following groups are considered “High” priority to get the Seasonal flu vaccine:
Those age 65 and older
Children younger than 2 years old
People of any age who have chronic medical conditions (e.g. diabetes, asthma, congestive heart failure, lung disease)

The benefits of immunization outweigh the risks. Each year, millions of Americans safely receive seasonal flu vaccines. The H1N1 vaccine is made the same way as seasonal flu vaccine by the same companies that make seasonal flu vaccine. The National Institute of Health (NIH) conducted clinical trials for the H1N1 vaccine. The vaccine has been tested and safely used in children, pregnant women and adults The H1N1 vaccine can prevent serious illness or even death, particularly for those who seem most vulnerable to the H1N1 flu. Not getting vaccinated could result in disease or putting others, such as babies or people with cancer, at serious risk for illness. If you care for a young baby, it’s important that you get vaccinated so you can protect your baby. ~
Flu Myths and Realities - Thanks to Assistant Surgeon General Dr. Anne Schuchat

“Vaccines that contain thimerosal are unsafe for children and pregnant women.”

It is safe for children and pregnant women to receive a flu vaccine that contains thimerosal.

Thimerosal is a very effective preservative that has been used since the 1930s to prevent contamination in some multi-dose vials of vaccines. There is no convincing evidence of harm caused by the low doses of thimerosal in vaccines, except for minor reactions like redness and swelling at the injection site.

The 2009-H1N1 influenza vaccines that FDA has licensed will be manufactured in several formulations, including pre-filled, single-dose syringes and nasal sprayers along with multi-dose vials. Only multi-dose vials of seasonal influenza vaccine will contain thimerosal to prevent potential contamination after the vial is opened. Single-dose units, however, will not require the use of thimerosal as a preservative. You may request this form of the vaccine if it is available. In addition, the nasal spray version of the 2009 H1N1 vaccine is produced in single-units and will not contain thimerosal.

“The H1N1 vaccine includes adjuvants, such as squalene.”

None of the H1N1 vaccines currently distributed by the U.S. government contain adjuvants.

All H1N1 vaccines used in the United States are licensed by the FDA and are made in the same way as seasonal influenza vaccines are made. Currently, seasonal flu vaccines in the United States are also made without adjuvants.

If needed, an adjuvant is a component that can be incorporated into a vaccine to help to generate a stronger immune response to the vaccine and help prevent disease. Squalene is a compound found in many natural sources, such as olive oil, that can act as an adjuvant and is used as an adjuvant in vaccines in many countries.

The evaluation of any vaccine by the Food and Drug Administration considers the safety, effectiveness, and the immune response and includes consideration of all components of the vaccine.

“The federal government is running a mandatory vaccination campaign.”

The federal government’s vaccination program for H1N1 flu is VOLUNTARY. Some hospitals and localities are requiring that health care workers get vaccinated for the flu, but that is a local decision. HHS and the CDC have included health care workers as one of our top priority groups to receive the vaccine, and several places across the country began offering H1N1 vaccination to health care workers this week.

The petition on a few selected internet sites protesting the federal government’s “mandatory” vaccination campaign is simply false in its claims. Vaccination is highly recommended as a protective measure against the flu, but is absolutely voluntary.

“It costs too much money to get an H1N1 vaccine.”

The federal government has purchased the H1N1 vaccine and is providing it to the states free of charge. This is different in many places from the seasonal flu vaccine.

Public vaccination clinics (sponsored by local health departments at schools or other places) will offer vaccine at no charge. Some private providers may charge a small fee to administer the vaccine, but cost should not be a barrier to getting immunized. Many, many people and businesses have stepped up to the public health challenge we all face and are working together for the overall public good to make this vaccine free – or at least affordable – for all those who want it.

“You need to get two doses of the H1N1 vaccine, and it takes a month between each dose.”

There is really good news that has come out of our clinical trials being run by the National Institutes of Health and the flu vaccine manufacturers. The H1N1 vaccine is a really good match with the H1N1 virus currently circulating across the country, and healthy adults and children 10 and older will need only one dose of vaccine.

Though scientists initially thought that two doses might be required, information from clinical trials has since demonstrated the H1N1 vaccine works faster than we expected and works well against the H1N1 virus, which is making millions of Americans sick.
It’s also fine to get the seasonal flu shot and the H1N1 shot at the same time. It is true that if you get the nasal spray form of the vaccine, you need to wait three to four weeks before getting another nasal spray vaccine.
“This new vaccine is not safe and is untested.”

Clinical trials conducted by the National Institutes of Health and the vaccine manufacturers have shown that the new H1N1 vaccine is both safe and effective. The FDA has licensed it. There have been no safety shortcuts.

It is produced exactly the same way the seasonal flu vaccine is produced every year. It is simply a new virus strain. In fact, had H1N1 struck this country earlier than this spring, the H1N1 strain probably would have been included as part of this year’s seasonal flu shot.

Millions of Americans get the seasonal flu vaccine each year without any problems. Still, understanding that some Americans have concerns about “new” vaccines, the National Institutes of Health and the vaccine manufacturers have conducted more rigorous tests on the H1N1 vaccine than they do on other flu vaccines, and there have been no red flags from these clinical trials.

Also, CDC has stepped up surveillance efforts to track the H1N1 vaccine and any possible adverse events. Since it is so closely related to the seasonal flu vaccine, we do not expect to see serious side effects. But we are taking all the necessary steps to promote and monitor safety.

Our top doctors and scientists believe the risk of the flu, especially for pregnant women, children, and people with underlying health conditions, is higher than any risk that might come from the H1N1 vaccine.
“I got an email that tells the story of someone who got a flu shot and had a miscarriage two days later.”

Tragically, every day in the U.S., people suffer from heart attacks, miscarriages, strokes, and other health-related events. Some result in serious illness, even death. For example, there are approximately 8,700 deaths from heart attack, 140 cases of Guillain-Barre, and 14,000 miscarriages in the U.S. every week. These events are no more common among people who have received seasonal flu vaccine than in people who have not.

The CDC has received no reports of serious adverse events from people who have received the H1N1 vaccine to date in the clinical trials or in the few places across the country where vaccinations have begun. We have created a strong new surveillance system that will allow us to track adverse reactions and quickly analyze whether there is a link to the vaccine.
“You can get infected with H1N1 virus from eating pork.”

False. The 2009-H1N1 virus is not spread by food. Eating properly handled and cooked pork products is safe.
“You can get flu from drinking water or swimming pools.”

Chlorinated tap water and swimming pool water does not put you at risk for flu. To date, we don’t know of anyone who has acquired flu from drinking water or from a swimming pool.
“A 14-year old girl in the United Kingdom died after being vaccinated with the HPV vaccine.”

British scientists report this particular event was unrelated to the HPV vaccine and definitely unrelated to the H1N1 flu vaccine.

Public health officials in the UK have said the safety of the HPV vaccine was not in question, and no link can currently be made between the girl’s death and the vaccine. According to the Medicines and Healthcare Products Regulatory Agency—their counterpart to the FDA—the girl had a rare serious underlying medical condition that was likely to have caused her death.

Licensed seasonal flu vaccines have a long track record of safety based on use in hundreds of millions of people. H1N1 vaccines are being manufactured by the same methods as the seasonal flu vaccines administered every year.
[] []
It's 'Go Time' on Health Care, the various proposals in Congress still include higher taxes, dangerous mandates and a government-run 'public option' that threatens access to quality, affordable health care and puts taxpayers on the line.
However, members from both sides of the aisle are also beginning to voice their hesitancy.
As Sen. Joe Lieberman says in the Politico:

"To put this government-created insurance company on top of everything else is just asking for trouble for the taxpayers, for the premium payers and for the national debt."

After months of debate, a the bill is moving through congress, but the bill's passage is not guaranteed. You can help defeat government-run health care by sending a letter to Congress now. As you know, we support real health care reforms that lead to lower costs and higher quality for all Americans.
But despite rigorous debate, it's apparent that the reforms being considered would do the opposite. [ feature=player_embedded] Email Congress today to oppose these flawed proposals. Please keep up the pressure -- because now is when it really matters.
Thanks for your continued support.
Bill Miller
Senior Vice President and National Political Director
U.S. Chamber of Commerce
If you haven't heard this, the White House is accusing Fox News of not being a legitimate source of news, calling them biased, etc. They have tried to block Fox reporters from news conferences, etc., but the other news networks are fighting back (in favor of Fox) and caused the White House to back down. NPR has put a survey online for us to voice our opinion. If you want to vote in this survey, go to the link below and cast your vote. Let's show them how we feel about honest conservative news reporting.

Thanks to Daphne Roberts
Check out this blog. It’s eye opening. [ ]
You’re missing a feast for the mind and spirit if you’re not reading Jimmy’s blog []
~~~~~ _ _ Google Gives Great Gift: Free WiFi!
Starting Monday, Google will foot the bill for free WiFi at 47 airports around the US. It lasts through the holidays. Meanwhile, the world's largest search engine has figured out a way that you can pay the love forward. Check it out. []

How Far Would You Go To Return A Lost Wallet?
What if it all it took to turn around your bad day was doing a good deed for someone else? That's what one man in Australia figured out as he found a traveler's lost wallet. Check out the lengths this one man went to to turn around someone else's bad luck and the joy that it spread all the way around. Read More []
America is not at war. The military is at war. - - America is at the mall, or watching the movie stars.
Each week the Defense Department highlights military personnel who have gone above and beyond in the war. [] - - Robert Nesbit, Jr. - - •Hometown: DuPont, WA - - •Awarded: The Bronze Star
In the military you adapt to the mission and the hours. For Army MAJ Robert Nesbit Jr., that meant performing about 99% of his missions at night. He was deployed to Iraq from June 2006 to September 2007, as a troop commander.

"Over the course of the tour there were more than a few tough nights,” said Nesbit. "But there was one single night that stands out.” That incident led to him being awarded both an Army Commendation Medal with Valor device and a Purple Heart. It also was part of the reason he received the Bronze Star.

In October 2006, Nesbit was stationed in Baghdad with the 1-14th Cavalry. His squadron was in a neighborhood known as Abu-Dichir, and his mission was to "create a ‘safe neighborhood’ in the squadron’s battle space.”

"At the time there was a lot of violence directed by the insurgents against the local population and we were trying to protect them,” explained Nesbit.

One of the things Nesbit and his team of about 80 soldiers did was place concrete barricades across streets to prevent vehicle access.

"Emplacing concrete barriers always attracted a lot of attention which was part of why we normally operated at night,” he continued.

"On Oct. 22, 2006, we [the Troop Team Task Force] were en-route to start our mission for the night when the Stryker I was on was blown up in an ambush. There were four of us on board who were wounded, said Nesbit.

"Long story short, I got the other three soldiers medivaced off of the battlefield. Even though I was hurt, I chose to stay in the fight. Not for any sense of heroics, but rather, I felt as the commander as long as I physically could still move the soldiers deserved for me to stay and command,” Nesbit continued.

"A lot went into it, and it was a long night, but we got the ambush defeated,” he said.

All of the unit’s equipment was recovered, and they were able to return to their Forward Operating Base.

"The next night I was back out leading the mission. I was awarded the Purple Heart for being wounded that night, and I was awarded the ARCOM w/V for continuing to fight while wounded,” he stated. "There were other nights and other fights, but that one certainly stands out for me personally,” Nesbit concluded.

He received the Bronze Star for his service, work ethic and leadership as the troop commander during this deployment.
Bug recommends . . . []
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.

Just landed back in Laos, this time doing research on an important dispatch regarding energy sources for Afghanistan. Much research on this piece.

Meanwhile, just published a short piece at National Review. Please read "Colors." []

Probably will land back in Afghanistan next week, but might delay that slightly for an energy conference in Kathmandu, Nepal. In any case, will be back in Afghanistan soon.
Today started off very badly. An email came from London from a BBC correspondent saying that Staff Sergeant Olaf "Oz" Schmid had been killed in Afghanistan. Oz was one very good soldier who stood out even among excellent men. He was killed on his last mission. Some photos of one of his very dangerous missions were still on my hard drive. These photos were made during a bad time but Oz inspired much confidence. He would get you laughing on the battlefield. Please read: Great Britain Loses one of its Finest []

Insofar as the growing "scandal" about my Twitter comments on New York Times making payoffs to recover David Rohde, that issue is trivial in the face of this war. I'm happy that a good man is safe. My excellent sources are insistent that money was paid, but that truly is irrelevant and is muddying the waters on the more important topic. Extremely relevant is that the New York Times and others have been publishing information about British hostages that could get their heads cut off. That is the bigger topic, but less likely to take the spotlight because major media are blowing this story out of proportion, right alongside the New York Times. The media kept quiet about one of their own, which was fine, but they should respect other lives as well.

The Coalition lost nearly 80 people last month in Afghanistan. The war might eclipse anything we saw in Iraq. That's a far bigger concern.
Smithsonian Air&Space asked to publish photos of the Kopp-Etchells Effect []. Smithsonian is an incredible venue to honor a U.S. and a British soldier who each gave their lives this year in Afghanistan. It looks like the names Benjamin Kopp and Joseph Etchells will be remembered for many years to come.

Your Writer,
Michael Yon

PS Please sign up for my updates at "Michael_Yon" [] (not Michael Yon).

We’ve Watched:
The Man They Could not Hang 1939 [7.5] Starring Boris Karloff
The Black Room 1935 [7.3] Starring Boris Karloff
The Inheritance 1997 [7.8] Starring Cari Shayne ... Brigitta Dau ... Paul Anthony Stewart ... Brigid Brannagh ... Michael Gallagher ... Max Gail ... Thomas Gibson ... Tom Conti ... Meredith Baxter
Due South 1994 [7.5] Starring Paul Gross ... David Marciano ... Catherine Bruhier
We’ve recently read;
Cemetery dance / Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child.
Blindman's bluff : A Decker and Lazarus novel / Faye Kellerman.
The return, bk.4 / Ben Bova.
Spartan gold / Clive Cussler with Grant Blackwood.
We recommend: Horse soldiers : the extraordinary story of a band of U.S. soldiers who rode to victory in Afghanistan / Doug Stanton.
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include a 90 ton and 500 ton crane, clouds over Sand Hill, my landlord’s home in Parkers Chapel, the apartment I lived in there, the B-17 “Aluminum Overcast”
We’ve now got several addresses on the web for "Da Bleat." For the latest issue, go to Last quarter’s issues can be seen at
Our photos are posted at
If you want to see photos of Last April’s train wreck in Magnolia, go to
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
Dr. Pat Antoon’s Address:
Pat Antoon 06669-010
Federal Prison Camp
P.O. Box 9300
Texarkana, TX 75505
Be sure and keep him in your prayers.
Recipe(s) of the week - - African Fried Spinach - - An African recipe of spinach fried with mushrooms, onion, and garlic.

Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 15 minutes Difficulty: EASY Nutrition Facts - - Makes 3servings

10oz fresh baby spinach, rinsed
1cup fresh shiitake mushrooms, stemmed and quartered
1yellow onion, coarsely chopped
1tbsp olive oil
1pinch garlic powder (to taste)

1 Heat the olive oil in a wok, or large frying pan over medium-high heat. Add the mushrooms and onion, and sauté until they are about halfway done.
2 Add the spinach, and liberally sprinkle with garlic powder.
3 Sauté until the spinach has wilted, about 5 to 7 minutes.

Additional Information - - Don't be shy with the garlic powder in this recipe, it adds a lot of flavor.

Amount Per Serving
Calories 100.5
Total Carbs 16.9 g
Dietary Fiber 5.5 g
Sugars 2.2 g
Total Fat 4.6 g
Saturated Fat 0.6 g
Unsaturated Fat 4 g
Potassium 53.6 mg
Protein 3.6 g
Sodium 153 mg

Dietary Exchanges - - 1 Fat, 2 1/4 Vegetable

Former Player Agent Wants to Help Prisoners’ Kids
By Chuck Colson
Published: November 13, 2009
A famous NFL player agent landed himself in prison. And now he wants to help prisoners’ kids.

It’s the kind of story I know very well. A talented, driven young man of modest means fights his way to the top of his profession. He makes his mark among the powerful and the elite.

And then, through pride, or carelessness, he “takes his eyes off the ball,” and everything he worked for crumbles around him.

He goes to prison. And when he is released, he seeks to redeem himself. He even writes a book about his downfall.

Sound familiar? Well, I’m not talking about my own story of Watergate and my time in prison. I’m talking about Tank Black, a man who was the agent for many top NFL stars—players like Sterling Sharpe, Andre Rison, Carl Banks, and Jevon Kearse.

Tank’s newly released book, Tanked: Behind the Scenes with the NFL’s Biggest Stars by the Games Most Infamous Super Agent, details his life as a high school football player, college coach, and as a groundbreaking African-American player agent.

I can’t recommend the book for young people because it’s a real-life, gritty picture of what can happen to young athletes who rise from poverty and obscurity and suddenly become superstars—loaded with cash, surrounded by plenty of drugs, women, and no-good hangers-on.

But here’s why I can recommend that you consider purchasing and reading the book. Tank visited our Prison Fellowship headquarters recently to tell our staff that he will donate part of the book’s proceeds to Angel Tree, our ministry to the children of prisoners.

He’s doing it because Angel Tree touched him and his family when he went to prison. Tank served eight years for laundering drug money and defrauding his players of millions of dollars. Tank insists he was innocent of the charges, but he admits to being involved with criminals in a business venture, to lying to investigators, and to violating NFL and NCAA rules.

Tank says that prison was “difficult beyond imagination.” “It is especially heart wrenching,” he says, “when you have young children who don't understand your absence—and they want and need your love and your presence so badly.”

In September of 2000, Tank wondered how he would be able to get a Christmas gift for his son, Matthew. Then he learned about Angel Tree, and how Prison Fellowship volunteers would deliver Christmas gifts and the Gospel message to his son—all on his behalf.

Tank says, “This was one of the few bright moments of my prison experience. It warmed my heart that Angel Tree cared enough about prisoners and their families to provide such a special service.”

Well, Matthew received the gifts from his dad. And as Tank says, “Over the next seven years I would benefit from the Angel Tree program as a prisoner. And now that I am out of prison I will support the Angel Tree program for the rest of my life.”

So come to our website,, if you’d like to order a copy of Tank’s book, knowing that a portion of the proceeds will help prisoners’ kids through Angel Tree.

And I’d like to ask you also to pray for Tank, as he rededicates his life to the Lord and seeks to redeem the years lost in prison. As an ex-prisoner myself, I know that a skeptical world will be watching his every move—and that can be a heavy burden to bear.

Further Reading and Information

Tanked: Behind the Scenes with the NFL’s Biggest Stars by the Games Most Infamous Super Agent Tank Black []

Learn More about Angel Tree [] Angel Tree

Copyright © 2009 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved _ _
Residents of Columbia County Arkansas are represented in Congress by:
Senator Blanche Lambert Lincoln (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_4843
FAX 202_228_1371
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314§iontree=7677
Other states congresspersons can be found at: []

Words of the Day:
1.irenic: promoting peace.
2.truculent: fierce; savage; ferocious.
3.sommelier: a waiter, as in a club or restaurant, who is in charge of wines.
4.skulduggery: devious, dishonest, or unscrupulous behavior or activity.
5.maunder: to talk or wander aimlessly.
6.felicitous: apt or appropriate; also, delightful.
7.abeyance: suspension; temporary cessation.
8.billet: to quarter, or place in lodgings.
9.fungible: interchangeable.
10.soporific: causing sleep; also, something that causes sleep.
11.forfend: to avert; also, to protect or preserve.
12.asseverate: to affirm or declare positively or earnestly.
13.carapace: a shell; a protective covering.
"I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act." - Gilbert Keith Chesterton

"Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler."- Albert Einstein

"You raise your voice when you should reinforce your argument." - Samuel Johnson

"You do not get a second chance to make a first impression." - Anonymous

"In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take." - Adlai Stevenson

"Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem." - John Galsworthy

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives." - Abba Eban

"Public opinion in this country is everything. " - Abraham Lincoln

"The Great Depression, like most other periods of severe unemployment, was produced by government mismanagement rather than by any inherent instability of the private economy." - Milton Friedman

"A man who is good enough to shed his blood for his country is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards. More than that no man is entitled to, and less than that no man shall have." - President Theodore Roosevelt

"We always weaken whatever we exaggerate." - Jean Francois de La Harpe

"Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized." - Albert Einstein

Remembering the Fall of the Berlin Wall, November 9, 1989
Aimee Herd (Nov 9, 2009 )
"I noticed words crudely spray-painted upon the wall, perhaps by a young Berliner: 'This wall will fall. Beliefs become reality.' Yes, across Europe, this wall will fall. For it cannot withstand faith; it cannot withstand truth. The wall cannot withstand freedom." –President Ronald Regan

Amid Tragedy, Fort Hood Community Turns to God
Aimee Herd (Nov 11, 2009)
"The overwhelming theme at Ft. Hood over the weekend was not so much anger over the senseless and brutal murders—but a commitment to overcome evil with good." –CBN News
...Read Full Story

Incredible Medical Miracle Gives Girl with Cerebral Palsy Her Movement Back
Teresa Neumann (Nov 12, 2009)
"Her life is completely normal, she doesn't drag her right foot, she can use her right hand. She rides a bike, a scooter…we're taking her skiing this year. She's fabulous."
...Read Full Story

The Enduring Beauty of Handel's Messiah
Aimee Herd (Nov 13, 2009)
"It's just really fun to be with people singing their hearts out. And I am a Christian so I am singing what I believe."

310 2nd Ave SE
Albany, Oregon 97321
US Orders: 1_866_358_7426

><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Emailed to me from another humor list (A Joke A Day) -Tom Subscription info is at the website

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an
email to:

GCF: Yes, Sir!

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother, it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".

"You would say, 'Yes Sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say
'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said.

To quiz him on his lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"

"Yes Sir!" was the reply

"Then what would you say to Mama?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"

He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: The New Baby

I was the nurse caring for a couple's newborn first child, a son, after his cesarean birth. Since the mother was still asleep under general anesthesia, we took our tiny charge directly to the newborn nursery to introduce him to his daddy.

While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears conspicuously standing out from his head. He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like "Dumbo."

The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy and the ears could be easily corrected during childhood. The father still worried about his wife's reaction to those large protruding ears. "She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.

By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son. I placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.

She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and gasped, "Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

GCF: Extra Supervision

When hiring new staff at the public library, the head librarian always asks applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most comfortable with.

One guy answered, "I've always thought Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."
_ ____________________________ _
From the collection of Flem Winders.
Shared with to me by a friend (Thanks, Martha) -Tom

GCF: The Baby's Name

"I've decided on a name for the baby," said the young mother. "I shall call her Euphrosyne."

Her husband did not care for the selection, but being a tactful fellow, he was far too wise to declare his objection.

"Splendid," he said cheerfully. "The first girl I ever loved was called Euphrosyne, and the name will revive pleasant memories."

There was a brief period of silence, then: "We'll call her Elizabeth, after my mother," said the young wife firmly.
_ ____________________________ _
Found at The Shark Tank (Computerworld) -Tom
GCF: Nothing is Impossible

A customer calls Tech Support with an improbable story: She says she dropped her mouse and her PC shut down.

The tech makes the trip to her desk. No question, her computer is off. And when he punches the PC's power switch to restart it, nothing happens.

He asked her where she dropped her mouse. She replied, "Behind the desk."

Sure enough, she had managed to hit the on/off switch on the power strip.

The tech told her, "Good shot."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

GCF: The Tip

My sister-in-law works as a waitress at an Atlanta restaurant. One day, a large family came in to eat.

In accordance with the restaurant's policy of serving large parties, the tip was automatically added to the bill.

After she presented the bill to the father, she heard him bellow, "Gratuity? Who ordered the gratuity? I told you kids that we weren't going to order any dessert!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

GCF: A Unique Home

I took a real estate client to a "handyman special." The place was great, and we couldn't understand why it was so cheap, until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling. Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: "Nice house," he said. "It's even self-cleaning."
_ ____________________________ _
Shared with to me by a friend (Thanks, Bud) -Tom

GCF: Calls to the Golf Course

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late.
Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a "driving range"?
Caller: No, that's not it...

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock.
In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to:


Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store.

While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, "Lost satellite contact."

I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, "Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Chemistry Demonstration

During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm going to drop this pure silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"

"No sir," one student called out.

"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why you're so sure that the silver won't dissolve in this particular acid."

"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to:

GCF: Do You Sing?

"Do you sing?"

"Of course I do."

"What kind of music?"


"Don't you mean 'a cappella', singing without accompaniment?"

"Nope. I mean 'aquapella,' singing accompanied only by the water coming out of the shower head."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (The Jokester) -Tom Subscribe to The Jokester's list send an email to:

GCF: Airline Wine

Sitting in coach during a lengthy flight, my wife and I heard a flight attendant ask the high-paying passengers in first class, "Would you care for Chardonnay or Burgundy?"

A few minutes later, the curtains between the two sections parted, and the attendant wheeled the wine cart back to our aisle. "Excuse me," he said, looking down at us, "would you care for a glass of wine? We have white and red."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (The Jokester) -Tom Subscribe to The Jokester's list send an email to:

GCF: Navy Quartermaster

Few people outside the military know what a Navy Quartermaster does (several duties include the watch-to-watch navigation and the maintenance of nautical charts and navigational instruments as well as duties that used to be part of the Signalman rating: visual communications).

So during my aircraft carrier's Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore. I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat. When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, "Now do you know what I do?"

"Yes," she answered. "You're a cheerleader."
_ ____________________________ _
From the collection of Flem Winders.
Shared with to me by a friend (Thanks, Martha) -Tom

GCF: Negative Words

The counselor was giving advice: To gain self-confidence, you must avoid using negative words, such as "can't" and "not." Do you think you can do that?

The young man responded:
Well, I can't see why not.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (The Jokester) -Tom Subscribe to The Jokester's list send an email to:

GCF: Unusual Name

Since I was a new patient, I had to fill out an information form for the doctor's files. The nurse reading it over noticed my unusual name.

"How do you pronounce it?" she asked.

"Na-le-Y-ko," I said, proud of my Ukrainian heritage.

"That sounds real nice," she said, smiling.

"Yes, it is melodious," I agreed.

"So," she asked sweetly, "what part of Melodia is your family from?"
_ ____________________________ _
From the collection of Flem Winders.
Shared with to me by a friend (Thanks, Martha) -Tom

GCF: Lawyer's Handshake

After the two lawyers agreed on a matter and proceeded to shake hands, one said, "It's a deal, but just to be on the safe side, let's have our lawyers look at the handshake."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (The Jokester) -Tom Subscribe to The Jokester's list send an email to:

GCF: Satellite Dish

When Dad's satellite dish conked out, I found him on the phone with the help desk. The TV set was pulled away from the wall, and he was staring at the mass of tangled wires spilling out the back of it. He looked absolutely overwhelmed.
"Tell you what I'm going to do," Dad said to the technician. "I'm going to hang up now, go to college for a couple of years, and then call you back."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (The Jokester) -Tom Subscribe to The Jokester's list send an email to:

GCF: Old Veteran

When I worked as a medical intern in a hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent. It took a while before I understood that he had no health insurance. Since he was a World War II veteran, I had him transported to a VA hospital, where he'd be eligible for benefits.
The next day, my patient was back, along with this note from the VA admitting nurse: "Right war, wrong side."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to:
GCF: Astrology in the Morning

Every morning, one of the secretaries in our office opens the newspaper and reads everyone's horoscope aloud.
"Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal, level headed person. Do you really believe in astrology?"
"Of course not. You know how skeptical we Capricorns are."
_ ____________________________ _
From the collection of Flem Winders.
Shared with to me by a friend (Thanks, Martha) -Tom

GCF: Scratch Golfer

"What's your handicap these days?" one golfer asked his companion.

"I'm a scratch golfer ... I write down all my good scores and scratch out all the bad ones."
_ ____________________________ _
Found at The Shark Tank (Computerworld) -Tom

GCF: Special Phone

Flashback a decade or two to when this IT technician works for a college as it moves professors from typewriters to computers and networks.
"My boss was a retired teacher who considered herself an expert on the phone system, as she was the one who called the phone company to have phones added or maintenance done," says the tech.
"She was good in her subject area and was often asked to speak as a guest lecturer at other schools."
And he notices that whenever she's leaving on a trip, she always leaves the office carrying a box. And her parting words are always "If you need me, just call! You have the number!"
The tech doesn't actually have a cell phone number for his boss, but he can't think of any reason he'd need to call her on the road, so he doesn't worry about it.
But one day, the boss does her usual pre-trip routine and emerges from her office without the box -- just her desk phone -- and says, "If you need me, just call! You have the number!"
"Why are you carrying your phone?" he asks.
"Well, so people can call me, of course!" the boss says. "I always take my phone and plug it into the jack at my room so people can reach me!"
Tech's jaw drops. "It doesn't work that way," he tells her. "The phone number stays with the phone jack, not the phone."
"These are special phones that I paid a good price for," boss replies haughtily. "They most certainly do work that way!"
Tech asks to see the phone. As she watches, he plugs the boss's phone into his phone jack, then carries his own phone into her office and plugs it in.
Then he tells her that he will call his number, and then steps into an adjacent office and dials his number. Not surprisingly, the boss's phone rings.
Sighs the tech, "She turned very red-faced but exclaimed that I was playing a trick and didn't have time to discuss the matter. She grabbed her phone and marched out."
When she returned, he overheard her making numerous calls to the phone company. When her next trip came, she left the phone behind.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (The Jokester) -Tom Subscribe to The Jokester's list send an email to:

GCF: Baby Brother

While my husband was stationed overseas, our four-year-old daughter decided that she needed a baby brother.

"Good idea," I told her. "But don't you think we should wait until your father's home?"

She had a better idea. "Why don't we just surprise him?"
_ ____________________________ _
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I love cooking with wine. \ /
\ _/ Sometimes I even put \_ /
/ / it in the food. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Is the kidney a bean shaped \ /
\ _/ object, or is the bean a \_ /
/ / kidney shaped legume? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / MapQuest really needs to start\ \_/ ////
\ / their directions on #5. I know \ /
\ _/ how to get out of my neighborhood.\_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If it's free, it's advice; \ /
\ _/if you pay for it, it's counseling;\_ /
/ / if you can use either one, \ \
it's a miracle.
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Broken guitar for sale. \ /
\ _/ No strings attached. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / You can take a horse to water, \ /
\ _/ but a pencil must be lead. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Shouldn't there be a \ /
\ _/ shorter word for \_ /
/ / "monosyllabic"? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ /One of my credit cards was stolen\ /
\ _/ but I decided not to report it \_ /
/ / because the thief was spending \ \
less than my wife.
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Red meat is bad for you. \ /
\ _/ Fuzzy green meat is even worse. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / The pen is mightier than \ /
\ _/ the sword, \_ /
/ / if the sword is very small, \ \
and the pen is very sharp.
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I went for a drive today \ /
\ _/ in the country \_ /
/ / and passed a camouflage store. \ \
But you couldn't see it.
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Eagles may soar, but weasels \ /
\ _/ aren't sucked into jet engines. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / My ship came in, \ /
\ _/ but I was at the train station. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Why is lemon juice mostly \ \_/ ////
\ / artificial ingredients but \ /
\ _/ dishwashing liquid \_ /
/ / contains real lemons? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Who edits fishing shows? \ /
\ _/ How do they decide \_ /
/ / what's too boring? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / How many times is it \ /
\ _/ appropriate to say "What?" \_ /
/ / before you just nod and \ \
smile because you still didn't
hear what they said?
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Crime wouldn't pay \ /
\ _/ if the government ran it. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I am willing to make \ /
\ _/ the mistakes if someone else \_ /
/ / is willing to learn from them. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I used to have an open mind, \ /
\ _/ but my brains kept falling out. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Golf was once a rich man's \ /
\ _/ sport, but now it has \_ /
/ / millions of poor players! \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / I hate when I just miss a \ \_/ ////
\ / call by the last ring \ /
\ _/ (Hello? Hello?), but when I \_ /
/ / immediately call back, it rings nine \ \
times and goes to voicemail.
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / \ /
\ _/ I always finish what I sta \_ /
/ / \ \
_ ____________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | | \ \
_( (_ | | _) )_
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_| ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

What do you call someone who puts poison in a his victims' corn flakes? A cereal killer.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.

Who did Frankenstein's monster take to the prom? His ghoul friend

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.

All ogres can be divided into three kinds; the good ogres, the bad ogres, and the mediogres.

A perfectly spherical pumpkin makes good pi.


Why does the little moron save burned-out light bulbs? So he can use them in his darkroom.

What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish? Tweetie Pie!

What did the boy shoe say to the girl shoe? "You will always be in my sole!"


Define "Coffin ": What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Use "Benefactor" in a sentence: His fasting for a day before the fight might have BENEFACTOR in his being knocked out.

1st Grade Proverbs: You can't teach an old dog new ...... math.


A lot of trees were dying. We needed to figure out the root of the problem.

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you must be are built upside down.

An empty purse is always the same because there is never any change in it.

A girl was visiting her blond friend (Angie) who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. Angie responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hello," answered Angie "They're watch dogs.

Horses have six legs because they have forelegs in front and two legs behind.

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a king." "What's your name? Joe. You must be Joe King!"

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven!" Suzy cried out. "And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher. "Dead!", yelled Little Johnny.

Math Conversions: 1000 aches = 1 megahertz

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
The Story of the Christmas Angel

Santa was almost ready to swear that Christmas Eve had come on Friday the 13th that year. Everything had gone wrong. Seventeen elves down with the Caracas Croup. They had all fallen ill just before the November push. Still, a little extra Christmas magic and everything except cleaning and maintenance was on schedule right up until take-off.

That’s when the unexpected blizzard hit. You guessed it - the weather-monitoring elf was one of the seventeen aforementioned casualties. With the state the workshop was in, just finding the foul-weather lighting was difficult. The sudden drop in temperature gave Rudolph a chill, he sneezed, and another search was on to replace the special bulb for his nose he had blown out. The sleigh froze to the ground, and all the little elves had out their cigarette lighters trying to free up the runners.

The Great Sack had been misfilled because the apprentice filling elf had held the filling plans upside down. By the time it was emptied, refilled, and hoisted back onto the sleigh, Santa was in a pretty foul mood. That’s when the left runner on the sleigh broke. I won’t repeat what the jolly old elf said.

Finally, everything was set for take-off. Santa raised his whip, and, suddenly, out of the workshop came the Christmas Angel shouting, "Wait, Santa, wait! Where do you want me to put this Christmas tree?" Santa turned and, through clenched teeth, muttered, "I’ll show you where to put it." And that’s why, to this very day, the Christmas Angel SITS on top of the Christmas tree.

Thanks to Chuck Jackson
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"

Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.' You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou."

Thanks to David Childs
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Holiday Eating Rules: Better To Start Early Rather Than Later!

10. CARROT STICKS - - Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

9. EGGNOG - - Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare ... you cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

8. GRAVY - - If something comes with gravy, use it.. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

7. MASHED POTATOES - - As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

6. PRE-EATING - - Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? - -

5. EXERCISE - - Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a ten-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

4. SANTA COOKIES - - If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

3. PIES - - Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin, mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

2. FRUITCAKE - - Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

1. MOTTO - - One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOOHOO! What a ride!"

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily Newspaper in Starkville , MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already".
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, “My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program..

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Limit all US politicians to two terms.
One in office
One in prison
Illinois apparently already does this!
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
This is some of the philosophy of a popular Chinese doctor. His practice has no room for new patients! Now, he's a medical wizard!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign ..
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"--A congressional candidate in Texas ...
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."--Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California .. I practically grew up in Phoenix .."-- Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Southern women know their summer weather report:

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know everybody's first name:

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Foat Wuth

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them..
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Now...Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been! If you're a Northern transplant,bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Some of you may think that you are immune, but you should read this warning!


To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you...









Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

What do you call someone who puts poison in a his victims’ corn flakes?
A cereal killer.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.

Who did Frankenstein's monster take to the prom?
His ghoul friend

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.

All ogres can be divided into three kinds; the good ogres, the bad ogres, and the mediogres.

A perfectly spherical pumpkin makes good pi.


Why does the little moron save burned-out light bulbs?
So he can use them in his darkroom.

What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
Tweetie Pie!

What did the boy shoe say to the girl shoe?
"You will always be in my sole!"


Define "Coffin ": What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Use "Benefactor" in a sentence: His fasting for a day before the fight might have BENEFACTOR in his being knocked out.

1st Grade Proverbs: You can't teach an old dog new ...... math.


A lot of trees were dying. We needed to figure out the root of the problem.

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you must be are built upside down.

An empty purse is always the same because there is never any change in it.

A girl was visiting her blond friend (Angie) who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. Angie responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hello," answered Angie "They're watch dogs.

Horses have six legs because they have forelegs in front and two legs behind.

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a king." "What’s your name? Joe. You must be Joe King!"

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven!" Suzy cried out. "And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher. "Dead!", yelled Little Johnny.

Math Conversions: 1000 aches = 1 megahertz

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

Then my wife said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
A woman was standing looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently

with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses.

You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let

'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right

back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and

then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'OK', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers,

but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South,

but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
In honor of the late Charles Schultz

Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though they've been around almost 50 years the members of the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us?

Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic-depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.

Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. Only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.

Serving her seventh term in Congress. Never married. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but her ringtone is Beethoven.

After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.

Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Baboo. Sells Mary Kay.

Women's athletic director at a midwestern university. Her fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."

In dog years, he'll be 350. What do you think would've happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy farm in Snoopy's memory.

tell them where you got it!
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Spread the Stupidity

Only in America drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

We all need to smile every once in a while.
Gregory D. Sittner, Sr. Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys.. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:


#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman -'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" !!!!! )

And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set us off.

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Importance of Walking

1. Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
2. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we haven't a clue where he is.
3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
4. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
5. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
6. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.........apparently you have to actually go there.
7. Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
8. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
11. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill was enough.
12. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our skulls..........That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
13. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,...............I look just fine.

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whisky.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room..

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's gonna run for Congress.'

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Larry's proverbs....................

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
The graveside service had just barely finished when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
One little old man looked up at the clouds, then at the pastor and said calmly, "Well, she's there."
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Do Not Touch!

Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "DANGER! Do not touch!"
Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.
Inside were 25 signs that read: " DANGER! Do not touch!"
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Bat Story

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.

"OK!" he said with exasperation. "Follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river, and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down, and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Halloween Humor

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? - To improve his bite.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? - Frostbite.

Why do witches use brooms to fly on? - Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? - With scare spray.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? - No, they eat the fingers separately.

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? - Because they don't have any body to go out with.

What is a vampire's favorite sport? - Casketball.

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called? - Shrinkenstein.

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? - A cereal killer.

What kind of streets do zombies like the best? - Dead ends.

What type of dog do vampire's like the best? - Bloodhounds.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? - A stake sandwich.

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument? - A trombone.

What do birds give out on Halloween night? - Tweets.

Why do vampires need mouthwash? - They have bat breath.

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal? - He heard it had great circulation.

Why don't mummies go on vacation? - They are afraid that they might relax and unwind.


Brain Twisters

1) The Elder Twin

One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?
2) Manhole Covers

Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.
3) The Deadly Party

A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
4) Trouble with Sons

A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
5) The Man in the Bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says, "Thank you" and walks out.
This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling, and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one, yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.

1) At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was traveling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed the International Date Line (or any time zone line) and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. In a leap year, the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.
2) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
3) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
4) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets, etc.). This simple little puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available?
5) The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups, so the man no longer needed the water.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Census Taker

An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."

Received from George B.


Best Marksman

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


British Military

The British Military writes EPRs and officer fitness reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are ACTUAL EXCERPTS taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Rate this funny at
Brought to you by The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
To print or email this funny to others, go to
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - - - - Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Texting?
Brace yourself for a large dose of libertarian outrage: Texting while driving may soon be outlawed.

An organization of state highway safety officials on Monday plans to call for a ban on texting while driving, joining a growing chorus of legislators and safety advocates endorsing such a policy.

The group, the Governors Highway Safety Association, whose members are appointed by state governors to lead highway safety agencies, said it adopted the policy in light of a growing body of research showing the increased crash risk posed by texting motorists.

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Texting?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If you text while you drive, you’re insane.
You’re a hazard like snow, ice, and rain.
And if govs have their way,
You will soon have to say:
“BRB, AFK, must refrain.”

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
'Some people!' snorted a man standing behind me in the Long line at the grocery store.

'You would think the manager would pay attention and open another line, 'said a woman.

I looked to the front of the line to see what the hold up was and saw A well dressed, young woman, trying to get the machine To accept her credit card. No matter how many times She swiped it, the machine kept rejecting it.

'It's one of them welfare card things. Damn people Need to get a job like everyone else,' said the man standing behind me.

The young woman turned around to See who had made the comment.

It was me,' he said, pointing to himself.

The young lady's face began to change expression. Almost in tears, she dropped the welfare card onto the counter and quickly walked out of the store. everyone In the checkout line watched as she began running to Her car. Never looking back, she got in and drove way.

After developing cancer in 1977 and having had to use food stamps; I had learned never to judge anyone, Without knowing the circumstances of their life. This turned out to be the case today.

Several minutes later a young man walked into the store. He went up to the cashier and asked if she had seen the woman. After describing her, the cashier told him that she had run out of the store, got into her car, and drove away.

'Why would she do that?' asked the man. Everyone in the line looked around at the fellow who had made the statement.

'I made a stupid comment about the welfare card she was using. Something I shouldn't
have said. I'm really sorry,' said the man.

'Well, that's bad, real bad, in fact. Her brother was killed in Afghanistantwo years ago. He had three young children and she has taken on that responsibility. She's twenty yearsold, single, and now has three children to support,' he said in a very firm voice.

'I'm really truly sorry. I didn't know,' he replied, shaking both his hands about.

The young man asked, 'Are these paid for?' pointing to the shopping cart full of groceries.

'It wouldn't take her card' the clerk told him.

'Do you know where she lives?' asked the man who had made the comment.

'Yes, she goes to our church.'

'Excuse me,' said the man who had made the comment as he made his way to the front of the line. He pulled out his wallet, took out his credit cardand told the cashier,
'Please use my card. PLEASE!' The clerk took his credit card and beganto ring up the young woman's groceries.

Hold on,' said the gentleman. He walked back to his shopping cartandbegan loading his own groceries onto The belt to be included. 'Come on people. We've got three kids to help raise!' he told everyone in line.

Everyone began to place their groceries onto the fast moving belt. A few customers began bagging the food and placing it into separate carts..

'Go back and get Two big turkeys,' yelled a heavyset woman, as she looked at the man.

NO,' yelled the man. Everyone stopped dead in their tracks. The entire store became quiet for several seconds. 'Four turkeys,' yelled the man. Everyone began laughing and went back to work.

When all was said and done, the man paid a total of $1,646.57 for the groceries. He then walked over to the side, pulled out his check book, and began Writing a check using the bags of dog food piled near the front of the store for a writing surface. He turned around and handed the check to the young man. 'She will need a freezer and a few other things as well,' he told the man..

The young man looked at the check and said, 'This is really very generous of you.'

'No,' said the man. 'Her brother was the generous one.'

Everyone in the store had been observing the odd commotion and began to
clap. And I drove home that day feeling very American.

We live in the land of the free, because of the Brave!

Remember our troops of yesterday and today!

This is a great example of why we should be kind and patient. Kindness is the language the blind can see and the deaf can hear.

Thanks to Daphne Roberts
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Tough to argue with this one regardless of political persuasion.

545 vs. 300,000,000
Charley Reese has been a journalist for 49 years..
By Charlie Reese

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does.

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash.
The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes.

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes.. Who is the speaker of the House? Nancy Pelosi. She is the leader of the majority party.
She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million cannot replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red.

If the Army and Marines are in IRAQ , it's because they want them in IRAQ .

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way.

There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation," or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people and they alone, are responsible.

They and they alone, have the power.

They and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses.

Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees.

We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!
Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
I think I've learned the secret to a long life............I ain't gonna turn left anymore!!!
This is a wonderful piece by Michael Gartner, editor of newspapers large and small and president of NBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing.

It is well worth reading and a few good chuckles are guaranteed and a great perspective on Life .
My father never drove a car. Well, that's not quite right. I should say I never saw him drive a car.
He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.

'In those days,' he told me when he was in his 90s, 'to drive a car you had to do
things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it.'

At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in:
'Oh, bull----!' she said. 'He hit a horse.'

'Well,' my father said, 'there was that, too.'

So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors all had cars.
The Kollingses next door had a green 1941 Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street, a gray 1936 Plymouth , the Hopsons two doors down, a black 1941 Ford -- but we had none.

My father, a newspaperman in Des Moines , would take the streetcar to work and, often as not, walk the 3 miles home. If he took the streetcar home, my mother, brother and I would walk the three blocks to the streetcar stop, meet him and walk home together.
My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner, we'd ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none. 'No one in the family drives,' my mother would explain, and that was that.

But, sometimes, my father would say, 'But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we'll get one.' It was as if he wasn't sure which one of us would turn 16 first.

But, sure enough , my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown.

It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts,loaded with everything, and since my parents didn't drive, it more or less became my brother's car.

Having a car but not being able to drive didn't bother my father, but it didn't make sense to my mother. So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive. She learned in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where, a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving. The cemetery probably was my father's idea. 'Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?' I remember him saying more than once.

For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps -- though they seldom left the city limits -- and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.

Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn't seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of marriage.
(Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.)

He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so, he
would walk with her the mile to St. Augustine 's Church. She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back until he saw which of the parish's two priests was on duty that morning. If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile walk, meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.

If it was the assistant pastor, he'd take just a 1-mile walk and then head back to the church. He called the priests "Father Fast" and "Father Slow."

After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If she were going to the beauty parlor, he'd sit in the car and read, or go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. In the evening, then, when I'd stop by, he'd explain: 'The Cubs lost again. The millionaire on second base made a bad throw to the millionaire on first base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored.'

If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out -- and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, 'Do you want to know the secret of a long life?'

'I guess so,' I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.

'No left turns,' he said.

'What?' I asked.

'No left turns,' he repeated. 'Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic.

As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn.'

'What?' I said again.

'No left turns,' he said. 'Think about it. Three rights are the same as a left, and that's a lot safer. So we always make three rights.'

'You're kidding!' I said, and I turned to my mother for support 'No,' she said, 'your father is right. We make three rights. It works.' But then she added: 'Except when your father loses count.'

I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing.

'Loses count?' I asked.

'Yes,' my father admitted, 'that sometimes happens. But it's not a problem. You just make seven rights, and you're okay again.'

I couldn't resist. 'Do you ever go for 11?' I asked.

'No,' he said ' If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day. Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put off another day or another week.'

My mother was never in an accident, but one evening she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving. That was in 1999, when she was 90.
She lived four more years, until 2003. My father died the next year, at 102.

They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid $8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom -- the house had never had one.

My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times what he paid for the house.)

He continued to walk daily -- he had me get him a treadmill when he was 101 because he was afraid he'd fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to keep exercising -- and he was of sound mind and sound body until the moment he died.

One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of us that he was wearing out, though we had the usual wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers and things in the news.

A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, 'You know, Mike, the first hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred.' At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, 'You know, I'm probably not going to live much longer.'

'You're probably right,' I said.

'Why would you say that?' He countered, somewhat irritated.

'Because you're 102 years old,' I said.

'Yes,' he said, 'you're right.' He stayed in bed all the next day.

That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him through the night.

He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said:

'I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet.'

An hour or so later, he spoke his last words:

'I want you to know,' he said, clearly and lucidly, 'that I am in no pain. I am very comfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have.'

A short time later, he died.

I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I've wondered now and then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long.

I can't figure out if it was because he walked through life, Or because he quit making left turns.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it.'

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Terrorist Groups Operating in Churches

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Osama Bin Lucifer, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy.

However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along.

Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return..

Which cell group do you belong to?

And guess what.... no church is exempt!
However, you can spot them if you "bin lookin".
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Please read, it was written by respected, Lou Prichett, formerly of Proctor and Gamble. Lou Pritchett is one of corporate America's true living legends- an acclaimed author, dynamic teacher and one of the world's highest rated speakers. Successful corporate executives everywhere recognize him as the foremost leader in change management. Lou changed the way America does business by creating an audacious concept that came to be known as "partnering." Pritchett rose from soap salesman to
Vice-President, Sales and Customer Development for Procter and Gamble and over the course of 36 years, made corporate history.

Dear President Obama:

You are the thirteenth President under whom I have lived and unlike any of the others, you truly scare me.
You scare me because after months of exposure, I know nothing about you.
You scare me because I do not know how you paid for your expensive Ivy League education and your
upscale lifestyle and housing with no visible signs of support.
You scare me because you did not spend the formative years of youth growing up in America and culturally you are not an American.
You scare me because you have never run a company or met a payroll.
You scare me because you have never had military experience, thus don't understand it at its core.
You scare me because you lack humility and 'class', always blaming others.
You scare me because for over half your life you have aligned yourself with radical extremists who hate America and you refuse to publicly denounce these radicals who wish to see America fail.
You scare me because you are a cheerleader for the 'blame America' crowd and deliver this message
You scare me because you want to change America to a European style country where the government
sector dominates instead of the private sector.
You scare me because you want to replace our health care system with a government controlled one.
You scare me because you prefer 'wind mills' to responsibly capitalizing on our own vast oil, coal and shale reserves.
You scare me because you want to kill the American capitalist goose that lays the golden egg which
provides the highest standard of living in the world.
You scare me because you have begun to use 'extortion' tactics against certain banks and corporations.
You scare me because your own political party shrinks from challenging you on your wild and irresponsible spending proposals.
You scare me because you will not openly listen to or even consider opposing points of view from
intelligent people.
You scare me because you falsely believe that you are both omnipotent and omniscient.
You scare me because the media gives you a free pass on everything you do.
You scare me because you demonize and want to silence the Limbaughs, Hannitys, O'Relllys and Becks who offer opposing, conservative points of view.
You scare me because you prefer controlling over governing.

Finally, you scare me because if you serve a second term I will probably not feel safe in writing a similar letter in 8 years.

Lou Pritchett

This letter was sent to the NY Times but they never acknowledged it. Big surprise! Since it hit the internet, however, it has had over 500,000 hits.

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

For those who need a picture, to the Congress:

The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775 - you have had 234 years to get it right; it is broke.

Social Security was established in 1935 - you have had 74 years to get it right; it is broke.
Fannie Mae was established in 1938 - you have had 71 years to get it right; it is broke.
The "War on Poverty" started in 1964 - you have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor"; it hasn't worked and our entire country is broke.
Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965 - you've had 44 years to get it right; they are broke.
Freddie Mac was established in 1970 - you have had 39 years to get it right; it is broke.
Trillions of dollars were spent in the massive political payoffs called TARP, the "Stimulus", the Omnibus Appropriations Act of 2009... none show any signs of working, although ACORN appears to have found a new source: the American taxpayer.

And finally, to set a new record:

"Cash for Clunkers" was established in 2009 and went broke in 2009! It took cars (that were the best some people could afford) and replaced them with high-priced and less-affordable cars, mostly Japanese. A good percentage of the profits went out of the country. And the American taxpayers take the hit for Congress' generosity in burning three billion more of our dollars on failed experiments.

So with a perfect 100% failure rate and a record that proves that "services" you shove down our throats are failing faster and faster, you want Americans to believe you can be trusted with a government-run health care system?

20% of our entire economy?

With all due respect,

Are all of you crazy..??

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

Why is President Barack Obama in such a hurry to get h his socialized medicine bill passed?

Because he and his cunning circle realize some basic truths:

The American people in their unimaginable kindness and trust voted for a pig in a poke in 2008.

* They wanted so much to believe Barack Obama was somehow better and different from other ultra-leftists that they simply took him on faith.
* They ignored his anti-white writings in his books.
* They ignored his quiet acceptance of hysterical anti-American diatribes by his minister, Jeremiah Wright.
* They ignored his refusal to explain years at a time of his life as a student.

They ignored his ultra-left record as a "community organizer," Illinois state legislator, and Senator.

The American people ignored his total zero of an academic record as a student and teacher, his complete lack of scholarship when he was being touted as a scholar.

Now, the American people are starting to wake up to the truth. Barack Obama is a super likeable super leftist, not a fan of this country, way, way too cozy with the terrorist leaders in the Middle East, joining them in the active destruction of our interests, our allies and our future. The American people have already awakened to the truth that the stimulus bill was really an immense bribe to Democrat interest groups, and in no way an effort to help all Americans.

Now, Americans are waking up to the truth that ObamaCare basically means that every time you are sick or injured, you will have a clerk from the Department of Motor Vehicles telling your doctor what he can and cannot do.

The American people already know that Mr. Obama's plan to lower health costs while expanding coverage and bureaucracy is a myth, a promise of something that never was and never will be -- a bureaucracy lowering costs in a free society. Either the costs go up or the free society goes away.

These are perilous times.. Mrs. Hillary Clinton, our Secretary of State,has given Iran the go-ahead to have nuclear weapons, an unqualified betrayal of the nation. Now, we face a devastating loss of freedom at home in health care. It will be joined by controls on our lives to "protect us" from global warming,itself largely a fraud if believed to be caused by man.

Mr. Obama knows Americans are getting wise and will stop him if he delays at all in taking away our freedoms. There is his urgency and our opportunity. Once freedom is lost, America is lost. Wake up, beloved America .

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Here's to US!!!!
No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,

To Those of Us Born 1930 - 1979

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight.. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
This 2-minute video should be mandatory viewing for every US citizen. If you have never passed anything on before, pass this on! Every American should be outraged!
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
TOURBUS _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _:) _ :)_ :)
11 NOV 2009
80,000 Riders in Over 100 Countries

Computer Upgrades / Overheating / Geekly Update / Windows Password Reset / AVG9 Review / Droid Phone In today's TOURBUS, I'll show you five Inexpensive Computer Upgrades that you can do yourself, to breathe new life into older computers. You'll also learn how to detect if your Computer is Overheating, why that's bad, and what to do about it.

Also, I promise that if you read the latest Geekly Updates, your teeth will be 27% whiter. I've also got answers if you need a Windows Password Reset, a review of the new AVG 9 anti-virus software, and the scoop on the very cool Droid Phone. Read on!

Inexpensive Computer Upgrades - A reader asks: "My computer is showing signs of age, but I can't afford a new one. What hardware upgrades do you recommend to improve speed and usability for those with older computers?" Okay, you can't buy a new computer. But that doesn't mean you can't breathe some new life into your old boat anchor. Whether your goal is to upgrade without breaking the bank, or just burn through a wad of cash, I can help you spiff up your existing computer.

Here are five computer upgrades that you may enjoy, justify as productivity enhancements, even write off as business expenses...

Computer Overheating - Electronic components in your computer and other devices generate heat. The harder they work, the more heat they generate, and too much heat can damage the components. Sudden, inexplicable shutdowns of your computer are often due to overheating. So how can you tell if your computer is overheating, and what can you do to keep it from frying like an egg?
Read on for my tips on detecting overheating conditions, and how to correct the problem before it's too late...

Geekly Update - Will the infamous scammer "Spamford" Wallace pay Facebook $711 million, or go to jail? Was Bob really attacked by droids while in San Francisco last week? Is your laptop's power adapter likely to short circuit and catch fire? And what does it mean if you're getting odd phone calls where the caller id says "Darth Vader"?
Get answers to these burning questions and more, in the most recent installment of the Geekly Update...

Windows Password Reset - You try to login to Windows and see "The username or password is incorrect." Aaaacck, what to do? It's a sickening, powerless feeling to be locked out of your own computer. Sometimes people forget passwords. Sometimes the stored password on your hard drive gets corrupted in a system crash. Maybe malware changes your password without your knowledge.
Whatever the cause, you CAN reset your password and get back into your Windows system...

AVG 9 Review - It's hard to believe that AVG Anti-virus has been around for 18 years. In that time, they've built a solid reputation by offering quality anti-virus and anti-spyware solutions, including one of the most popular free security tools, AVG Free Edition, which they claim has been downloaded by 80 million users. The latest release is version 9.
Let's take a look at AVG9 and see how it measures up to the security challenges looming online...

Verizon's Droid Phone: iPhone Killer? - The Droid, a slick new Verizon mobile phone, is based upon Google's Android operating system for smartphones, and runs on Motorola hardware. Droid has a full QWERTY flip-out keyboard, in addition to a large touchscreen with a spiffy graphical interface. Verizon is tweaking Apple with their 'Droid Does' video and the more informative Droid website of the same name, which tout all the things that Droid does and iPhone doesn't.
See my review of the cool new Droid phone here...



• Send a Free Fax []
Learn how to send and receive faxes for free, using online fax services.

• Free Credit Reports []
Protect yourself from Identify Theft -- here's how to get three free credit reports each year.

• Make Windows Run Faster []
My special recipe to clean the goo out of your computer's pipes, so Windows will start quicker and run more reliably.

• Online Backup []
Online backup services help you create an off-site backup copy of your important files.

• Free Anti-Virus Software []
Staying safe online doesn't have to cost big bucks. Here are my picks for the best FREE anti-virus software.


Free PC Matic - Performance & Security Scan
Run a Free PC Matic Scan Now!
PC Matic is a collection of award winning PC Pitstop technologies in one integrated architecture.
No other product on the market today will do as much to improve the overall performance, security & stability of your PC.


Featured Online Colleges [°reeID=&stateID=]

That's all for now, see you next time!
-- Bob Rankin

===[ Tourbus Rider Information ]=======

The Internet Tourbus - U.S. Library of Congress ISSN #1094-2238
Copyright 1995-2009 - All rights reserved

Be Smarter & Better Looking Than [-99.959048-] Percent of Users
Hop On the Bus and Join 80,000 Others Around the World!
+ _______________________ +
That's all for now, see you next time! __ Bob Rankin
+ ____________________ +
====[ Tourbus Rider Information ]====
The Internet Tourbus _ U.S. Library of Congress ISSN #1094_2238 Copyright 1995_2009, Rankin & Crispen _ All rights reserved Be Smarter & Better Looking Than [_99.959040_] Percent of Users Hop On the Bus and Join 80,000 Others Around the World!
Best of Everything _ Subscribe, Signoff, Archives, Free Stuff and More at the Tourbus Home _
.~~~. ))
(\__/) .' ) )) Patrick Douglas Crispen
/o o \/ .~
{o_, \ {
/ , , ) \
`~ _' \ } )) AOL Instant Messenger: Squirrel2K
_( ( )_.'
___..{____} Warning: squirrels.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
The Pump Handle. A water cooler for the public health crowd.

Peer review needed on NIOSH firefighter reports
November 14, 2009 in Confined Space @ TPH, Occupational Health & Safety, Safety | by Celeste Monforton | 1 comment

Jay Lowry, the editor of is calling on NIOSH to obtain the input of front-line firefighers before publishing its investigation of firefighter deaths. In “NIOSH Firefighter Reports Need Overhaul”, Lowry writes:

While the [NIOSH] team does a fine job of gathering facts the presentation [of information], and how it can relate to firefighting on the ground leaves much to be desired.”

The reports subject to Lowry’s critique fall under the NIOSH program “Fire Fighter Fatality Investigation & Prevention”. Over the last two months, NIOSH has posted 15 reports covering fire fighter fatalities occurring in November 2006 through June 2009.
A loyal reader of The Pump Handle reminded me of a 2007 letter from the HHS’s Inspector General to Senator John Kerry reporting on recommendations made to NIOSH to improve the firefighter fatality investigation program’s effectiveness. Impetus for the IG’s report stemmed in part from an MSNBC report “Fire chiefs call for action on firefighter deaths.”

Depending on the nature of the fatality incident, Lowry recommends the NIOSH seek reviews from individuals skilled in different firefighting areas of expertise: urban, suburban, rural and wildland. Jay Lowry is a former firefighter and fire marshall, and a current or past member of the South Carolina State Firefighters Association, National Fire Protection Association, and the Society of Professional Journalists.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Weekly Toll _ _
Death In The Workplace w/News & Updates
John Donne _ ...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Worker Falls Off Maryland Roof, Dies

October 30, New Carrollton, Maryland - New Carrollton Police say a construction worker was killed when he fell off of a roof on Friday afternoon. It happened on Chestnut Avenue in New Carrollton. Prince George's County Fire officials say someone who was working on the roof fell off and died. No other details were immediately available. Another person was being treated at the scene of the fall, but there's no word yet on who that person is or what their injuries are.
Construction worker falls to his death in church building

October 30, Bullard, Texas - An East Texas man falls to his death Friday morning while working on a construction project at a church. Justice of the Peace James Morris said 41-year-old Hermilo Pimentel died instantly when he fell around 7:45am at the First Baptist Church in Bullard. According to Pastor Scott Brown, Pimentel was hanging sheet rock in what will soon be a family life center at the church. However, according to Morris, Pimentel stepped back into a construction hole on the second floor and fell to the ground. Emergency officials were called immediately.
Construction Worker Dies At Texas Roadhouse Site

November 3, Dallas, Texas - The construction worker who died from injuries sustained at the Texas Roadhouse construction site has been identified as 31-year-old Robert Gotschall of Mentor, Ohio. Gotschall worked for Roth Painting LLC of Bellaire, Ohio. Police say evidence suggests the man fell. The Duluth Fire Department responded to the call at 1101 Mall Drive at 5:41 p.m. on Saturday evening. Assistant Fire Chief Eric Simonson says when the crew arrived, they found the man at the bottom of an interior stairwell, which led to the roof. Simonson says the man was unconscious, not breathing, and had no pulse.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed since November 01. These records can be found at

01. Spc. Adrian L. Avila, 19, of Opelika, Ala., died Oct. 29 at Khabari Crossing, Kuwait, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related accident. He was assigned to the 1343rd Chemical Company, 151st Chemical Biological Radiological and Nuclear Battalion, 115th Fires Brigade of the Alabama Army National Guard, in Fort Payne, Ala.

02. Pfc. Lukas C. Hopper, 20, of Merced, Calif., died Oct. 30, southeast of Karadah, Iraq, of injuries sustained during a vehicle roll-over. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 505th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C.

03. Spc. Christopher M. Cooper, 28, of Oceanside, Calif., died Oct. 30 in Babil province, Iraq, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 28th Infantry, 172nd Infantry Brigade, Schweinfurt, Germany.

04. Spc. Jonathon M. Sylvestre, 21, of Colorado Springs, Colo., died Nov. 2 in Kut, Iraq, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 10th Field Artillery Regiment, 3rd Heavy Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division, Fort Benning, Ga.

05. Sgt. Cesar B. Ruiz, 26, of San Antonio, Texas, died Oct. 31 while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to Marine Forces Reserve, New Orleans.

06. Spc. Julian L. Berisford, 25, of Benwood, W.V., died Nov. 4 in Paktika province, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked his unit using small arms and rocket-propelled grenade fires. He was assigned to the 3rd Battalion, 509th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team (Airborne), 25th Infantry Division, Fort Richardson, Alaska.

07. Staff Sgt. Amy C. Tirador, 29, of Albany, N.Y., died Nov. 4 in Kirkush, Iraq, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident. She was assigned to the 209th Military Intelligence Company, 1st Squadron, 14th Cavalry Regiment, 3rd Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division, Fort Lewis, Wash.

08. Spc. Tony Carrasco Jr., 25, of Berino, N.M., died Nov. 4 in Ad Dawr, Iraq, of a gunshot wound suffered when enemy forces attacked his unit. He was assigned to 2nd Battalion, 32nd Field Artillery Regiment, 4th Infantry Brigade Combat Team, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Riley, Kan.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. They died Nov. 5 in Jelewar, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked their vehicle with an improvised explosive device. The soldiers were assigned to the 1st Battalion, 17th Infantry Regiment, 5th Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division, Fort Lewis, Wash. Killed were:
09. Spc. Aaron S. Aamot, 22, of Custer, Wash.
10. Spc. Gary L. Gooch Jr., 22, of Ocala, Fla.

11. Sgt. Charles I. Cartwright, 26, of Union Bridge, Md., died Nov. 7 while supporting combat operations in Farah province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to 1st Marine Special Operations Battalion, U.S. Marine Corps Forces Special Operations Command, Camp Pendleton, Calif.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died Nov. 8 in Tikrit, Iraq, of injuries sustained when their OH-58D helicopter crashed. They were assigned to the 2nd Squadron, 6th Cavalry Regiment, 25th Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division, Schofield Barracks, Hawaii. Killed were:
12. Chief Warrant Officer Mathew C. Heffelfinger, 29, of Kimberly, Idaho; and
13. Chief Warrant Officer Earl R. Scott III, 24, of Jacksonville, Fla.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. They died Feb. 10 in Salerno, Afghanistan, of injuries suffered when an improvised explosive device detonated near their vehicle. The soldiers were assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 506th Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault), Fort Campbell, Ky. Killed were:
14. Cpl. Peter J. Courcy, 22, of Frisco, Texas.
15. Pfc. Jason R. Watson, 19, of Many, La.

16. Lance Cpl. Justin J. Swanson, 21, of Anaheim, Calif., died Nov. 10 while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to 1st Battalion, 5th Marine Regiment, 1st Marine Division, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Pendleton, Calif.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Scheduled Activities
Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance _ 234_7371 (24 Hour)
Jail _ 234_5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control _ 800_222_1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Interested in getting in touch with the Banner_News through e_mail?
E_mail addresses for communicating with the newspaper’s various departments are: For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events.
advertising@bannernews. net For retail and classified advertising.
circulation@bannernews. net To start, stop or cancel newspaper delivery or for comments about delivery.
outfitters For Office Outfitters, the office supply division of the Banner_News.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
Psa 23:1-3 Psa 29:3-5, 7-9 Exo 2:11-14 Psa 27:10, 13-14 Acts 23:11-12 Job 13:2-5 Psa 13:1-5 1 Cor 9:25-26 Gen 45:4,5,8 Psa 81:10-14
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

P. S. If you'd like to be added to the distribution, just drop us E_mail at
. We offer "Da Bleat" as text, a "Blog" and as a newsletter with pictures in Word and PDF format. The latest issue is usually updated sometime Saturday. For the "Blog" version just go to one of the several addresses on the web. For the latest issue, go to Older issues can be found at, where _ is the quarter (1, 2, 3, or 4) and __ is the year (05, 06, 07, 08 or 09). We also have a site [] where we post photos that I like.
Let us hear from you if we can switch you over to the "Word" or "PDF" version of "Da Bleat".
If you'd prefer to read "Da Blog" version, just drop us a note at and we'll switch you from e:mail delivery to "Da Bleat" Blog. We appreciate your encouragement. We also appreciate your communication when you desire to be taken off our mail list. If you are on this mail list by mistake or do not wish to receive "Da Bleat," please reply back and tell us to discontinue service to you. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2009 before it was sent.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

1 comment:

  1. Importance of Horoscopes and Astrological Predictions

    A horoscope is precisely, the assembly of basic placements of planets at the time of birth. Effective astrological techniques are applied to assess horoscope and to make astrologers able to give accurate predictions pertaining to astrological issues. It can also be referred to as a map of the sky and the planets at a certain moment of a person's birth. The concept of horoscope in the UK Vedic system is by far the most accurate and sophisticated method of astrological predictions.