Sunday, November 22, 2009

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Homework

Volume 11, Issue 47 Friday, November 20, 2009

Hello All,

I taught my first CPR course of ‘09 today. It was a great group of friends and co-workers. I’d forgotten how much I enjoy teaching.
Speaking of education, I promised some of y’all I’d update you on what I’ve been doing this year. As Thanksgiving approaches, it’s truly amazing that we started the year off being forced to retire from my job of 33 years and we’re finishing the year working for Lion Oil with a group of GREAT folks.
At first, I was angry about being retired. But, after a week or so, when I realized that I was sleeping and feeling better, I became thankful that I hadn’t stayed in my old job. And, even though I wasn’t allowed to “turn over” my job duties, Albemarle did financially ease my transition.
However, we had to address the issue of having enough money to live off the rest of the year. Thanks to Darla Williams of Mustard Seed Financial, we made plans to protect our savings, reduce our taxes and, if necessary, use our IRAs as “back up” if our income fell short.
Then, I reached out to my safety and health friends and let them know I was looking for work. Lynda Richardson with South Arkansas Community College hired me part time as well as spreading my resume around the area.
As a result of Lynda’s efforts, Ron Palculict, Lion Safety and Security Manager, called and I began working as a temporary Safety Technician for Lion on February 23. Lion was preparing to complete a $350,000,000 plant expansion and needed extra safety personnel for the 3,000 plus construction workers that were coming into the plant.
Since that time, we’ve completed the plant turnaround and brought all the units back on line. In the process, I ended up working 12 hours a day for 90 days straight. During that time, Annette moved me into a garage (or barn) apartment on Greer Road in Parkers Chapel, just six miles from Lion Oil. That saved me 90 minutes a day commuting time but it was a new experience for an old married guy living by myself in the country with three horses and two dogs.
Annette came over from Magnolia every couple of days to bring me food and clean laundry. But it was still strange living alone.
Working straight “12s” there wasn’t time to do anything except work, eat and sleep. I was assigned to the Crude Unit construction with Rick Rainwater, Lloyd Phelps, and Larry Lyons on the day shift. They are a great bunch of guys who took good care of the welders, pipefitters, carpenters, steel workers, scaffold builders, insulators, mechanics, etc. as well as me.
We finished up the construction and initial startup in late October and my job was supposed to end there. But Lion kept five of us (out of the 21 temporary safety guys they had for the expansion) and we are providing special projects support through the end of December.
So I’m back home now, commuting to El Dorado and working a 40 hour a week safety job. In January, I hope to start teaching at SACC again and possibly pick up work at other plants as a temporary safety tech or provide safety consulting services.
Both of our Senators (Blanche Lincoln, Fax: 202-228-1371, & Mark Pryor, Fax: 202-228-0908, are voting with Harry Reid to advance this disaster of a health care bill.
I’m for recalling both of them immediately!
I agree that America needs some reform of its health care system, but all of the current Congressional proposals are, too much, too soon, and too costly. I believe better reform can be accomplished by taking incremental, manageable steps.
One of the ways meaningful health care reform can be accomplished in a much less costly manner is through incremental changes in the insurance system. Some of the areas where changes could help include: pre-existing condition clauses, guaranteed issue, and 90-180 day eligibility periods in automatic enrollment clauses. I also believe more people currently without insurance would obtain insurance if there were subsidies for those who cannot afford it and an individual obligation to be covered.
Health savings accounts coupled with high deductible insurance coverage are just now beginning to produce their promised consumer behavior changes; better individual decisions based on cost awareness and market-based information. This progress will be forfeited under any of the current bills proposed.
It will be disastrous to pass a bill to address 15 percent of the population at the expense of the other 85 percent. I’m for finding a way to help those who need coverage without limiting access and raising costs on those who have health coverage.
The current legislation does just the opposite.
The federal government is on the verge of destroying our economy in the name of going green and they don't even have time to look at the facts.

LONDON – Computer hackers have broken into a server at a well-respected climate change research center in Britain and posted hundreds of private e-mails and documents online — stoking debate over whether some scientists have overstated the case for man-made climate change.
How to Recall a U.S. Senator

Senators who do not vote as their constituents would like may be “recalled” in 18 states. [Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Georgia, Idaho, Kansas, Louisiana, Michigan, Minnesota, Montana, Nevada, New Jersey, North Dakota, Oregon, Rhode Island, Washington and Wisconsin.] The rest of us will have to push for a state constitutional amendment to allow Senator recall.

Step 1 - - Consider your location. Few states allow for a recall of a senator—only 18 and the District of Columbia. If you're not living in one of these states you have no constitutional rights to recall.

Step 2 - - Determine the grounds for recall. You'll need this information to make your case to the population but in 7 of the 18 states specific grounds are actually required. In these states, if your reasons don't measure up, you won't be allowed to proceed with the recall.

Step 3 - - Get signatures. You'll need a petition to get a recall election. The number of signatures is usually a percentage of the voters at the last election but this differs by state.

Step 4 - - Prepare for a response. At some point during the process, the senator will be notified that a petition for recall is being circulated. She will then have a chance to respond to the allegations.

Step 5 - - Get voters to the recall election. Once the recall election is granted, alert the community and get them out to vote. The ballot will ask whether or not the senator should be recalled and the state may hold an election at the same time to elect the next person for that office.

Tips & Warnings - - A website or a phone campaign are good ways to get your petition going. Going door-to-door is also an option although it is more time consuming than the other two. This is important since you only have a set number of days to obtain the correct number of signatures—anywhere from 30 to 180 days. You will be fighting an uphill battle to recall a U.S. Senator. No member of Congress has ever been recalled in the history of the United States.

~~~~~ - - This is the A&M Bonfire memorial page. It’s been 10 years since this tragedy.
You’re missing a feast for the mind and spirit if you’re not reading Jimmy’s blog []
~~~~~ Okay, folks. Here we go. About to jump into the crazy holiday season. Before you lose your mind and the real meaning of the holidays, I hope you stop by on a regular basis (uh, daily :)) to experience stories that will remind you what the holidays are really all about.

Special Boy Inspires Early Christmas
It's not even Thanksgiving yet, but you might want to think about getting those Christmas decorations up early. Why? It's all for one special little boy in Washington, IL. He and his family remind us not to wait to celebrate and how we can take difficult times and make them about something more than ourselves.
Watch Video >> []
Inmate Saves Prison Guard's Life
Inmate attacks prison guard. That's probably not news. Other prisoners pile on. That probably wouldn't be news either. Except in this case, the prisoners jumped on their fellow inmate to save the guard's life. Amazing story and video.
Watch Video >> []
America is not at war. The military is at war. - - America is at the mall, or watching the movie stars.
Each week the Defense Department highlights military personnel who have gone above and beyond in the war. [] - - Patrick Jordan - - •Hometown: Blairsburg, IA - - Awarded: The Silver Star

When U.S. Army Reservist Staff Sergeant Patrick Jordan took control of the C66 tank he was riding in on April 4, 2004, he had never served as tank commander before.

It was during a long day of constant attacks by the Mahdi Army in Sadr City, Iraq. Nineteen Infantrymen had been isolated and in constant contact with the enemy for over three hours, when Jordan and his company traveled across the city to reach and evacuate them.

When the company commander moved to another tank due to communications problems, he left the then- Sergeant to take the lead.

Despite no prior experience and though he had no radio communications, Jordan "commanded his tank during a brilliant four-hour attack against elements of the Mahdi Army," according to the award citation of the Silver Star he earned for his actions that day.

The company was fighting through densely urban terrain as they tried to reach the isolated soldiers.

Jordan's tank was constantly assailed from both sides by hundreds of enemies firing both small arms and rocket propelled grenades (RPGs). But he commanded the tank from its open hatch throughout the entire attack and evacuation. He ensured that his gunner fought the tank properly, and provided security at the rear of the combat column they were fighting in.

While commanding the tank and checking his gunner's work for proper fire control, Jordan also fought with every weapon at his disposal, through the extremely close quarters of the urban terrain.

In all they traversed over four kilometers to reach the 19 soldiers.

As his company commander coordinated the evacuation, Jordan provided cover from the enemy attacking the evacuation effort. And as the company moved towards safety, Jordan's tank again took up the rear.

When the Humvee traveling in front of him was hit and lost multiple tires as well as its engine, Jordan, of his own initiative and without orders, loaded the remaining infantrymen into his tank. He then pushed the damaged Humvee at speeds as slow as five kilometers-per-hour for over a kilometer. All the while they were still in heavy contact with enemy forces attacking from buildings on his immediate right flank.

Jordan remained out of the hatch throughout this journey, engaging and eliminating enemies with the array of weapons at his disposal.

Jordan persevered until he pushed the damaged Humvee back to camp, and safely delivered the infantrymen riding in his tank back to their base camp, as well.

Jordan was awarded the Silver Star in 2004 for his leadership and bravery which were key in evacuating those 19 men, and ensuring they all reached safety.

"I might've got the Silver Star, but we're all heroes," said Jordan, who has since been promoted to staff sergeant.

"Everyone who served. They're all heroes. No matter what war they fought in or if it was peacetime. They took time out of their lives to serve. Not everybody does that."
Bug recommends . . . []
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.

This research into biogas for Afghanistan has turned out to be a mountain. A first draft of the piece is finished. It will be a relief when published and I'll dive straight back into the war.

I made some "tweets" [] (from Twitter) recently which caused a great stir at New York Times and elsewhere. Some parties wanted clarification from me, and so have published just now. Please read "Hostages." []

Very Respectfully,
Your Writer,
Michael Yon

PS Please sign up for my updates at "Michael_Yon" [] (not Michael Yon).

We’ve Watched:
Up (2009) [8.5] Starring Edward Asner ... Christopher Plummer ... John Ratzenberger
The Hound of the Baskervilles (2000) [7.5] Starring Matt Frewer ... Kenneth Welsh
"Cranford" (2007) [8.7] Starring Judi Dench
"The Penguins of Madagascar" (2008) [9.5] Starring Jeff Bennett ... Kowalski / ... John Di Maggio ... Rico / ... Tom McGrath ... Skipper James Patrick Stuart ... Andy Richter
We’ve recently read and recommend: Shadow of the sword : a Marine's journey of war, heroism, and redemption / Jeremiah Workman with John R. Bruning.
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include; some of Dinah Sue’s paintings and a candid shot of Dinah Sue.
We’ve now got several addresses on the web for "Da Bleat." For the latest issue, go to Last quarter’s issues can be seen at
Our photos are posted at
If you want to see photos of Last April’s train wreck in Magnolia, go to
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
Dr. Pat Antoon’s Address:
Pat Antoon 06669-010
Federal Prison Camp
P.O. Box 9300
Texarkana, TX 75505
Be sure and keep him in your prayers.
Recipe(s) of the week - - Curried Winter Squash - - Makes 4servings

Amount Per Serving
Calories 100.4
Total Carbs 17.8 g
Dietary Fiber 4.2 g
Sugars 7.2 g
Total Fat 3.1 g
Saturated Fat 0.3 g
Unsaturated Fat 2.8 g
Potassium 267 mg
Protein 2.7 g
Sodium 19.1 mg

Dietary Exchanges - - 1/2 Fat, 1/4 Starch, 2 Vegetable
This low-fat curry dish omits the coconut milk yet retains a lot of flavor.

Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes

1/2tsp mustard seed (black)
1/2tsp fenugreek seed
2tsp canola oil
1cup fresh chopped onion
1tbsp fresh ginger root , grated
1/2tsp ground turmeric
1/2tsp ground cumin
1/2tsp ground coriander
1/2tsp cardamom, ground
1pinch ground cayenne (red pepper)
3/4cup water
2cup chopped tomato , chopped
3cup winter squash, cubed
1medium red bell peppers , cut into 1-inch pieces
1pinch salt and pepper , to taste

1 In a medium skillet, gently sauté the black mustard seeds and fenugreek seeds in the oil on low heat for several minutes, until they begin to pop.
2 Add the onions, increase the heat to medium, and sauté for 5 minutes, until the onions begin to soften.
3 Stir in the ginger, turmeric, cumin, coriander, cardamom, and cayenne; sauté them for 1 minute, being careful not to let them burn.
4 Add the water, a cup of the tomatoes, and the squash cubes and simmer for 10 to 15 minutes, until the squash is barely tender, stirring occasionally.
5 Add the bell peppers and the rest of the tomatoes, cover, and cook until all of the vegetables are tender. Add salt and pepper to taste.
The Manhattan Declaration
Defending Life, Marriage, and Freedom
By Chuck Colson|Published Date: November 20, 2009

Today I will tell you how you can take a stand for the sanctity of life, traditional marriage, and religious freedom.

Today at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C., I and a dozen evangelical, Catholic, and Orthodox leaders face the microphones to announce the release of an historic document—one of the most important documents produced by the American church, at least in my lifetime.

It is called the Manhattan Declaration, and signed by over 140 leaders representing every branch of American Christianity.

The Manhattan Declaration is a wake-up call—a call to conscience—for the church. It is also crystal-clear message to civil authorities that we will not, under any circumstances, stand idly by as our religious freedom comes under assault.

The Declaration begins by reminding readers that for 2,000 years, Christians have borne witness to the truths of their faith. This witness has taken various forms—proclamation, seeking justice, resisting tyranny, and reaching out to the poor, oppressed, and suffering.

Having reminded readers about why and how Christians have spoken out in the past, the Declaration then turns to what especially troubles us today—the threats to the sanctity of human life, the institution of marriage, and religious freedom.

The Declaration notes with sadness that although “public sentiment has moved in a pro-life direction,” pro-abortion ideology “prevails today in our government.” Both in the administration and in Congress, there are many “who want to make abortions legal at any stage of fetal development, and...provide abortions at taxpayer expense.”

The Declaration isn’t a partisan statement. It acknowledges that since Roe v. Wade, “elected officials and appointees of both major political parties have been complicit in giving legal sanction to the ‘Culture of Death.’”

The result of this bipartisan complicity is an increasingly prevalent belief that “lives that are imperfect, immature, or inconvenient are discardable.” This lethal logic produces such evils as euthanasia and the “industrial mass production of human embryos to be killed” for their stem cells.

The response to this kind of assault on the sanctity of human life requires what the Manhattan Declaration calls the “gospel of costly grace.” This starts with the willingness to put aside our comfort and serve those whom the broader culture would deem outside the scope of its concern and legal protection.

The cost may be higher. Christians may have to choose between the demands of what St. Augustine called the “City of Man” and the “City of God”—which, for the Christian, is really no choice at all.

This kind of principled non-cooperation with evil won’t be easy—there are signs of a reduced tolerance for that most basic of American values, religious freedom. As we’ve discussed many times on BreakPoint, Christian organizations are losing tax-exempt status for refusing to buy in to homosexual “marriage.” Some are going out of business rather than cave into immoral demands—such as placing children for adoption with homosexual couples. Conscientious medical personnel are being sued or being fired for obeying their consciences.

I say, enough is enough. The Church must take a stand. And with the release of the Manhattan Declaration, that’s exactly what we are doing.

I am asking Christians by the thousands to come to, where you’ll be able to read and sign the document.

Please stand with us today. Tell the world you stand for the sanctity of life and traditional marriage—and that you cherish your God-given freedom.

Copyright © 2009 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved _ _
Residents of Columbia County Arkansas are represented in Congress by:
Senator Blanche Lambert Lincoln (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_4843
FAX 202_228_1371
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314§iontree=7677
Other states congresspersons can be found at: []

Words of the Day:
quiescent: at rest; still; inactive.
agog: in eager desire.
hoi polloi: the common people; the masses.
perseverate: to repeat something insistently or redundantly.
exegesis: critical explanation or analysis, especially of a text.
obfuscate: to make obscure or unclear; also, to darken.
billingsgate: foul, abusive language.
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose application of the word. Consider the flea! - incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage." - Mark Twain

"Anger as soon as fed is dead. 'Tis starving makes it fat." - Emily Dickinson

"When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty." - Thomas Jefferson

"No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave." - Calvin Coolidge

"There is no such thing as a great talent without great will power." - Honore de Balzac

"There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life." - Unknown

"Give me a man or woman who has read a thousand books and you give me an interesting companion. Give me a man or woman who has read perhaps three and you give me a dangerous enemy indeed." - Anne Rice

“Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others." – Jonathan Winters,

Sarah Palin Describes Her Strong Faith in CBN Interview
by Aimee Herd : Nov 20, 2009 : David Brody – CBN News

"How in the world would I sum up my life except to say 'God, at the end of the day I have really nothing but my faith, my reliance on You Lord…'"
The anticipated enthusiasm over former Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin's new autobiography, Going Rogue, has only heightened as the book was released this week.
Along with the book release, Palin has granted several interview requests, including one by CBN News.
Palin spoke with CBN's David Brody about one of the less-talked-about subjects in Going Rogue—her very evident faith in God.
"How in the world would I sum up my life except to say 'God, at the end of the day I have really nothing but my faith, my reliance on You Lord,' and I wanted to articulate that," says Palin.
The former Governor of Alaska makes it clear that she is not shy about her trust in God, even as she realizes attacks will come from her critics. Brody notes that at the end of her book, Sarah encourages readers to put their faith in the Lord.
Palin explains, "My very last paragraph there sums it up and invites people, encourages people to do what I did and that's put their life in God's hands, our Creator, who knows probably better than we know what the perfect path is for a person."
London Mayor Praises Street Pastors for Transforming the British Capitol
Michael Ireland (November 20, 2009)
"We can't just transform the physical infrastructure because that's not what really counts. What counts is the human capital of London...Street Pastors are already doing what you can and I think it is high time London knew more about what you did and the whole of London followed your example."
(London, England)—A key British political figure has praised the work of Street Pastors at their first annual conference, and downplayed his role in rescuing a film director from a gang of youths.
According to Maria Mackay, writing for Christian Today, hundreds of Street Pastors and supporters are in London for the ministry's inaugural conference to share their experiences and consider how they can minister more effectively to the people out and about on Britain's streets each weekend.
Mackay says the inaugural Street Pastors conference opened November 12 with a keynote address from London Mayor Boris Johnson who praised their work in transforming the capital.
He said: "We can't just transform the physical infrastructure because that's not what really counts. What counts is the human capital of London. It's the young people of London that we need to invest in if this city is to lengthen its lead as the greatest city on Earth. Street Pastors are already doing what you can and I think it is high time London knew more about what you did and the whole of London followed your example."
Mackay says Johnson admitted that red tape was making it "too difficult to do good" for many organizations, including Street Pastors, but said he had no difficulty with Christian organizations sharing their faith through their work.
"Faith groups who want to slip in the odd cogent message in favor of salvation, I have absolutely no problem with that. Why not!" he quipped. "That's one of the things I think has been going wrong in the last few years—we've got a slightly politically correct super-sensitivity to anything remotely cast as religious advocacy. I've got no difficulty with it whatsoever."
Mackay says Johnson played down his recent rescue of film director Franny Armstrong from a group of young girls brandishing an iron bar in London recently.
"I was doing none other than what you do, what Street Pastors do every night on the streets of London, people with the courage and the sense of public spirit to intervene with our kids who may be about to do something stupid or possibly even something fatal," he said.
Mackay explains the Mayor admitted that there was "apprehension" in the minds of adults that often prevented them from intervening when they saw crime on the streets or, in the case of teachers, from exerting control over youngsters in the classroom.
"I want to see a clear and unambiguous statement from the Government that the law will give the benefit of the doubt to adults who responsibly and reasonably try to restrain children who are making life miserable for others," he said, to the applause of conference delegates.
Source: ASSIST News []

310 2nd Ave SE
Albany, Oregon 97321
US Orders: 1_866_358_7426

><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom
To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own
subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an
email to:
GCF: Homework

Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log," which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.

The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.

Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.

The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away.

"Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast."

Beth rushed to gather up more ingredients and hurry them to school, with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened.

"Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Humor_G) -Tom To subscribe to Humor_G, send a blank email to:
GCF: Cowboy Rules

These are the Cowboy Rules in effect for: Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Idaho and the rest of the Wild West.

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 go north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have an $80,000 car. We're impressed. We have $350,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applies to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no '"vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in the North East call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring "Coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website: Subscribe
GCF: New Name

My eldest daughter got married at the end of last summer and is now in the process of contacting various agencies to update their records with her new last name. Yesterday she e-mailed and shared with me the notice she sent to the government's student loan agency.

To Whom It May Concern:

You have me in your records as Alyssa Davis, Social Insurance Number
### ### ###

I got married this summer and am assuming my husband's last name. Please update your records to reflect my new name: Alyssa Sampson. I am including a copy of my marriage certificate, and if there is anything else you need please contact me to let me know.

I met my husband at university, so in a way Student Loan played a role in our meeting, and we are very grateful. If you would like to send money in lieu of a gift to congratulate us both, you may use the banking information you currently have to do so.


Alyssa Sampson
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:
GCF: The Old Days - 45's

A few years back, I had my old 45 RPM records out to look through and my daughter asked what they were. I explained that back in the 1960s, before CDs were invented, this was how we listened to music. I further explained how all the bands issued singles on these "45s," and radio stations would rate the top 40 songs every week.

She was quite impressed as I continued describing how one used a phonograph to play them. I burst out laughing when she asked -- perfectly straight faced -- "Daddy, how many megs of RAM does one of these hold?"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:
GCF: Vacation Bible School

The Vacation Bible School theme for the day was "God's All-Star Champions," so they had sports-related activities. To get in the sports spirit, and since Denver has several professional sports teams, the minister asked "What is the name of the place where the Colorado Avalanche play hockey?"

One of the children answered, "Pepsi Center."

"And where do the Denver Broncos play?"

"Invesco Field at Mile High."

"And where do the Colorado Rockies play?"

"Coors Field."

"And finally, where do the Nuggets play?"

_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Joanie) -Tom
GCF: Share the Housework

When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner.

The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. "It comes equipped with all the newest features," he assured them.

The husband was not convinced. "Don't you have a riding one?" he asked.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (A Joke A Day) -Tom Subscription info is at the website
GCF: Warranty

A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.

"I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car," he said.

"That's right, sir," the salesman answered. "During the warranty period we will replace anything that breaks."

"Fine, I need a new garage door."
_ ____________________________ _
Shared with to me by a friend (Thanks, Nancy) -Tom
GCF: Frank Feldman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ... I'm married to his widow."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:
GCF: A Well-Planned Retirement

(From The London Times:)

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant .

"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err ... no!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (presumably), is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!

And no one even knows his name.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:
GCF: Lawyer's Questions

As a young lawyer working on my first big case, I was sitting in Federal District Court watching a prominent attorney question a witness. The attorney was trying, unsuccessfully, to elicit certain information. Finally the judge turned to the witness and asked a question that prompted the appropriate response. "Thank you, your honor," the attorney said. "How is it that you were able to get to the crux of the matter with one question after I had tried three times?"

"Easy," replied the judge. "I'm not paid by the hour."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:
GCF: Personal Service

My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, "I love my new garage-door opener."

"I love mine too," my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:
GCF: Failing with Style

We all fail sometimes, but there's something about failing with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders from the most clueless - and inventive - of students.

* Classical Studies *

Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin

* Biology *

Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie

* Classical Studies *

Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones

* Biology *

Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease.
Answer: Early death

* Biology *

Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television

* Religious Studies *

Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony

* Physics *

Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.
Answer: Fire

* Geography *

Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar

* Geography *

Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria

* Geography *

Question: Name one famous Greek landmark.
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse

* History *

Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:
GCF: Usual Suspect

While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: "Did you see the defendant at the scene?"

"Yes, from a block away," the officer answered.

"Was the area well lit?"

"No. It was pretty dark."

"Then how could you identify the defendant?" I asked, concerned.

Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, "I'd recognize my cousin anywhere."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (The Jokester) -Tom Subscribe to The Jokester's list send an email to:
GCF: Wiggins

Short and baby-faced, my buddy Wiggins had trouble being taken seriously in the Army. A mustache, he assumed, would fix that. He was wrong.

"Wiggins!" bellowed our drill instructor after spotting the growth during inspection. "What's so special about your nose that it's got to be underlined?"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (The Jokester) -Tom Subscribe to The Jokester's list send an email to:
GCF: Emergency Clinic

It was an absolutely crazy evening at our emergency clinic. The doctor on duty was being bombarded with questions, given forms to fill out, and even asked for his dinner order.

I was in the next room, cleaning up a sutured wound, when I realized the doctor hadn't given instructions for a bandage.

"What kind of dressing do you want on that?" I shouted through the door.

"Ranch," he yelled back.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Satindra) - Tom
GCF: Native Tongue

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (The Jokester) -Tom Subscribe to The Jokester's list send an email to:
GCF: At the Mechanic

I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. A car nut, he told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair.

At the shop, I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves."

As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, "Lady says it makes a funny noise."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (The Jokester) -Tom Subscribe to The Jokester's list send an email to:
GCF: At the Bookstore

For some reason, the bookstore clerk couldn't get the computer to recognize my preferred customer card. Peering over her shoulder at the screen, I said, "There's part of the problem. It shows my birth date as 12/30/1899."

"That's right," my husband chimed in. "She was born in June, not December."
_ ____________________________ _
Found at The Shark Tank (Computerworld) -Tom
GCF: Network Outage

A Network Technician tells this user that IT is taking the network switch down, which will affect the user's PC and printing connections for about half an hour.

Three minutes later, he sees the user pop her head out of her cubicle.

User: "Are you bringing anything else down?"

Tech: No, why?

User: "Because my coffee pot just went out."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Clean Joke of the Day) -Tom Subscribe to Clean Joke of the Day by visiting the website:
GCF: Hot Coffee

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.
_ ____________________________ _
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Why do psychics have to \ /
\ _/ ask you for your name? \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If it weren't for electricity \ /
\ _/ we'd all be watching television \_ /
/ / by candlelight. - George Gobel \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I totally take back all those \ /
\ _/ times I didn't want to \_ /
/ / nap when I was younger. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / The trouble with the rat race \ /
\ _/ is that even if you win, \_ /
/ / you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / One can never know for sure \ /
\ _/ what a deserted area looks like. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I went to the Missing \ /
\ _/ Persons Bureau. \_ /
/ / No one was there. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Don't knock on Death's door. \ /
\ _/ Just ring the bell and run. \_ /
/ / He hates that. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If Ginsu knives can cut \ /
\ _/ through anything, \_ /
/ / how do they keep them in the box? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / The people should not \ \_/ ////
\ / be afraid of the government. \ /
\ _/ The government should \_ /
/ / be afraid of the people. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / \ /
\ _/The spell-checker is hear two stay.\_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Golf got its name because all \ /
\ _/ of the other four letter words \_ /
/ / were taken. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If you think advertising doesn't\ /
\ _/ work, consider the millions of \_ /
/ / people who now think that \ \
yogurt tastes good.
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / How did I get so round \ /
\ _/ from eating square meals? \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Most people work just hard \ /
\ _/ enough not to get fired and \_ /
/ / get paid just enough not to quit. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Mechanic: "I couldn't \ /
\ _/ repair your brakes, \_ /
/ / so I made the horn louder." \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Education is what remains \ \_/ ////
\ / after one has forgotten \ /
\ _/ everything one learned in school. \_ /
/ / --Albert Einstein \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / I have CDO. It's like \ \_/ ////
\ / Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, \ /
\ _/ only in alphabetical order \_ /
/ / like it should be. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / The amount of time required \ \_/ ////
\ / to complete a government project\ /
\ _/ is exactly equal to the length \_ /
/ / of time already spent on it. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Never put off until tomorrow \ /
\ _/ what you can put off \_ /
/ / until the day after tomorrow. \ \
_ ____________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | | \ \
_( (_ | | _) )_
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_| ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in email, but this one is important. It has been circulating for months. Please keep it going.

Before forwarding to your entire distribution: To show your support for Obama's health care reform, please go to the end of the list and add your name.

1. Nancy Pelosi

Thanks to Daphne Roberts
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Thanks to Gary Foreman
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read.."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.."
11 Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Thanks to Ron Huett
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Hot Air

As a lobbyist in Washington, DC, I'd just finished up a meeting with a Congressman when I stopped to use the restroom.

After washing my hands, I stepped over to the hand dryer and noticed that someone had taped a note to the machine.

The note said, "Push button for message from Congress."

Received from Ed.



A young man was caught going almost double the speed limit through a small town. As the police officer walked up to the car, he said to the young man, "I've been waiting for you all day."

The young man replied, "Don't worry! I got here as fast as I could!"

He got off with a verbal warning.

This is a true story.

Received from castle91.


Bad Golfer/Skydiver

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A golfer goes *SMACK* "Dang!" and the skydiver goes "Dang!" *SMACK*

Received from Dalton Green.


Employee Reference

At times I was asked to provide references for former employees by companies considering hiring them.

On one firm's form was the question: "Was this person a steady worker?"

Since the guy was a well-known do-nothing, I entered, "Not just steady, but motionless" in the space provided.

Received from Ed.


Blonde Cookbook

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Received from Larry.


Bubbles and Barbie

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

In due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles said, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side. Finding the water only knee deep, she said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they rowed a little farther out.

Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, "No, this will never do; the water is only up to my chest."

So on they rowed and rowed and rowed, and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time went by, and poor Bubbles was really getting worried when suddenly Barbie broke the surface, gasping for breath.

"Well, is it deep enough yet, sis?"

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."

Received from dean0.



The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. He finds lots of little snakes, and everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly," say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."


Bad Day and the Dwarf

I rear-ended a car this morning. I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.

Received from BROOKSBY1.



"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, appreciate gourmet cooking and classical music, and even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Army Training

Our army physical-training program requires us to run two miles every other day in platoon formation. Being somewhat older than the other soldiers, I have trouble running faster than a ten-minute mile.

During a recent run, I was finding it difficult to complete the two miles without stopping, so I raised my hands high above my head to expand my diaphragm and gain my second wind.

Suddenly I heard a voice from behind me say, "Forget it, sergeant, we don't take prisoners."

--Contributed to Reader's Digest, "Humor In Uniform," by Lorrie Coffman

Received from Ed.


Bluenecks: Northerners (Opposite of Rednecks)


- Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

- You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

- You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY SPICY.

- You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road.

- You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

- You don't know what a moon pie is.

- You've never had an RC Cola.

- You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.

- You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

- You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

- You have no idea what a polecat is.

- You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.

- You don't have bangs.

- You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

- You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato sandwich.

- You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

- You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

- You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

- You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)

- You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie)

- None of your fur coats are homemade.

Received from Laugh & Lift.


Chemist Memory

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it; I can never remember that word."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Rough Country Road

I was driving my father and grandfather down a rough country road. My inexperience in handling Grandpa's four-wheel-drive vehicle made for a particularly bouncy ride. Embarrassed, I offered a lame excuse, "The sun shadows through the trees make it hard for me to see all the potholes."

"Don't worry, Matt," Grandpa said. "You're gettin' most of 'em."

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Mathew Walker


Break In

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


She's Out for a While

A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point; he really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn't home.

"Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the front room and left her there for more than three hours.

The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called out to the man in the other room and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she returning?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Dead Last

Last year I entered the New York City marathon. The race started, and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied, "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



Brenda's six-year-old daughter was explaining to the other kids what "extinct" meant:

"Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore. That's why they call them exstinked."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Dressed Alike

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


A Guessing Game

/* GCFL now has a page on Facebook. If you use Facebook, look us up and become a fan by following the URL below. Thanks!

GCFL on facebook: */

To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.

After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement:

"The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."

Received from Ed.


College Funds

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money.

Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid.

So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?

Mom said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Shaking Hands

"Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot of coffee?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


A Great Singer

"What kind of music do you sing?"


"Don't you mean 'a cappella,' singing without instrumental accompaniment?"

"Nope. I mean 'aqua-pella,' singing accompanied only by the water coming out of the shower-head."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Fill the Tank

After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas.

A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Church Bloopers

~ For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school. When their meeting was cancelled one week: There will be no Moms who care this week.

~ A woman's blouse was found at a table in the middle of the usher appreciation dinner. If you lost your blouse, please come to the church office.

~ A worm welcome to all who have come today.

~ Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."

~ Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

~ Diana and David request your presents at their wedding.

~ Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

~ We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

~ Hymn of Response: Crown Him With Many Cows.

~ Child care provided with reservations.

~ Tonight, Pastor will preach on "Diving Healing."

~ Were you there when they laid Him in the bomb?

~ Christ is a member of Boy Scout Troop 36.

~ Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.

~ My joke is easy and my burden is light.

~ I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty and you gave me drink.

~ We are an autonomous body, operating under the hardship of Jesus Christ.

~ The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.

~ The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Baines.

~ Boars of Trustees meet after church today.

~ We are always happy to have you sue our facility.

~ Hymn: I Need Three Every Hour.

~ All children are requested to bring fresh followers to decorate the cross for Easter Sunday.

~ The King's Bras will present a concert at our church this evening at 6:00 pm.

Received from FranCMT2.


Rate this funny at
Brought to you by The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
To print or email this funny to others, go to
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - - - - The Price Of Facebook Friendship
Are you suffering from Facebook friend envy? Do you have a few hundred spare bucks lying around? Then uSocial, an Australian marketing company, is eager to help you buy thousands of “targeted” Facebook friends and fans and Twitter followers.

Are you as creeped out about this as I am?

The Price Of Facebook Friendship (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Feeling lonesome? Don’t have enough friends?
You can try out this latest of trends:
Buy pals by the litter
At Facebook and Twitter.
Pay cash and your loneliness ends.

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Support COL(ret) Conrad Reynolds as Republican candidate for Senator Lincoln's seat
I met COL(ret) Conrad Reynolds last night at a Republican meeting in Magnolia. He is running against 5 or 6 others Republicans in the Republican primary for Senator Lincoln's seat. He needs your assistance and support. COL Reynolds is a candidate that believes as I do -- the importance of our Constitution, limited government, 1st and 2nd Amendments, balanced budget (via reduction in spending not increased taxes), etc. He is pro-life, pro-business, a veteran and retired from the US Army.

Take a look at his web site. To access it double click on this address:

Regardless how Senator Lincoln votes concerning upcoming issues i.e. Obama's National Healthcare Rationing Program, Cap and Steal Fuel Tax or the upcoming "slight of hand" legislation to create 12-30 million new Democrats by making illegal aliens legal immigrants or whatever the issue --- she MUST be defeated.

We need someone in office we can trust and believes as we do. We shouldn't have to worry about how our Senators will vote all the time. Our Senators need to be like us, Americans/Arkansans and not someone that places "party" first with party blood running through their veins. COL Reynolds holds our values, has the leadership skills and has the vision to lead our country out of the mess we are getting into. Arkansans need to be represented and I believe COL Reynolds will do this. Please consider him. Your active support is appreciated.

CSM(ret) William T. Broom

PS: I know I have sent this to several that aren't residents of Arkansas but you have influence in Arkansas. Please pass this to Arkansans you know.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
The Holy Alphabet... This is Beautiful

Whoever came up with this one must have had some Divine guidance!

Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanks giving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of 'Camp Complaining'
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To 'thank' is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!

Thanks to Ricky and Sarah
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
TOURBUS _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _:) _ :)_ :)
Vol 15, Number 57
19 Nov 2009
80,000 Riders in Over 100 Countries

External Backup Drives / Free Teleconferencing / Geekly Update / Fax Broadcasting / Win7 Libraries / Fake Antivirus / Consolidate Email Accounts In today's TOURBUS, I'm touting the benefits of External Hard Drives for backing up your files, and I've got a list of websites that offer Free Teleconferencing. And if you read this week's Geekly Update, I guarantee it'll make you smarter and better looking. In addition, you'll get the scoop on Fax Broadcasting and how to use Windows 7 Libraries to win friends and influence people. Also don't miss my article on Fake Antivirus Software, and learn how to Consolidate Your Email accounts. Read on!

External Hard Drives for Backup - - Making frequent backups of your critical data is important, everyone agrees. But often it doesn't get done regularly because it's a hassle. The easier you make backing up data, the more reliably you will do it. When it comes to backups, the easiest way is often an external hard drive.
Even better, many external drives come with free software that makes automatic backups as simple as a few clicks... Teleconferencing

Voice teleconferencing remains a staple of business despite the proliferation of alternatives such as email, instant messaging, and webinars. The problem is that teleconferencing can get expensive. Fortunately, many free teleconference services are available.
You'll be surprised at the features that some of them offer, including unlimited call time, muting and free call recording. Here's my list...

Geekly Update November 17 - - Is Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" the new iPhone theme song? Does Magellan's new RoadMate GPS with 7-inch display automatically order Kung Po Chicken when you pass a Chinese restaurant? And is diagnosis-by-cellphone really part of the healthcare reform bill?
Get answers to these burning questions and more, in the most recent installment of the Geekly Update...

Fax Broadcasting - - You need to send a weekly fax update to a large group of people. But it's tedious to stand at the fax machine and enter each number. Fax broadcasting, the ability to send a fax message to multiple recipients, is the answer.
Here's how to do fax broadcasting with Windows or Mac software, your own in-house fax server, or an online fax service provider.

Windows 7 Libraries - - When you open Explorer in Windows 7 you will see a tree of "Libraries" in the left sidebar. Libraries are a new feature of Windows 7 and may cause confusion among users of earlier versions. But Libraries are quite handy, easy to understand, and fun to work with.
Here's the scoop on how to use Libraries Windows 7...

Fake Antivirus Software - - Con men have always known that the easiest way to deceive a mark is to offer what he wants most. So it's no surprise that cyber crooks are offering false protection against dangerous viruses. Yes, that free antivirus program you were so glad to discover and installed so eagerly may be a virus in disguise!
Here's my advice on how to protect yourself from fake anti-virus programs...

Consolidate Email Accounts - - A reader asks: "I have three email accounts, and it's a nuisance to check each one. I also have trouble keeping my address books in sync, and when I'm looking for a certain message, I have to check in three places. Is there an easy way to consolidate all my email accounts in one place?"
Yes! It is possible to consolidate all those email accounts, even your address books. Here's how...

That's all for now, see you next time!
-- Bob Rankin

===[ Tourbus Rider Information ]=======
The Internet Tourbus - U.S. Library of Congress ISSN #1094-2238
Copyright 1995-2009 - All rights reserved
Be Smarter & Better Looking Than [-99.959048-] Percent of Users
Hop On the Bus and Join 80,000 Others Around the World!
====[ Tourbus Rider Information ]====
The Internet Tourbus _ U.S. Library of Congress ISSN #1094_2238 Copyright 1995_2009, Rankin & Crispen _ All rights reserved Be Smarter & Better Looking Than [_99.959040_] Percent of Users Hop On the Bus and Join 80,000 Others Around the World!
Best of Everything _ Subscribe, Signoff, Archives, Free Stuff and More at the Tourbus Home _
.~~~. ))
(\__/) .' ) )) Patrick Douglas Crispen
/o o \/ .~
{o_, \ {
/ , , ) \
`~ _' \ } )) AOL Instant Messenger: Squirrel2K
_( ( )_.'
___..{____} Warning: squirrels.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
The Pump Handle. A water cooler for the public health crowd.

APHA urges Obama to require N95s for healthcare workers
November 20, 2009 in Confined Space @ TPH, Healthcare, Infectious diseases, Occupational Health & Safety, Regulation | by Celeste Monforton | Leave a comment

The American Public Health Association (APHA) sent a letter to President Obama urging support from the White House on CDC guidelines on N95 respiratory protection for healthcare workers from the H1N1 virus. APHA OHS Section members learned last week that three organizations—Society for Healthcare Epidemiology of America (SHEA), Infectious Disease Society of American (IDSA), Association of Professionals in Infection Control and Epidemiology (APIC)—-asked President Obama to intervene in federal OSH policy, specifically to:

modify the federal PPE guidance to allow the use of surgical masks (instead of N95’s) for routine H1N1 patient care; and
institute an immediate moratorium on the enforcement of OSHA’s requirements for healthcare facilities related to the use of N95 respirators in relation to H1N1 influenza.
APHA politely rebutted these ideas:

“We support the efforts of public health agencies such as HHS, CDC, NIOSH, DOL and OSHA to engage the National Academy of Sciences’ institute of Medicine to full examine the evidence that has lead to sound federal public health policy. Thank you for your support for sensible, evidence based policies for protecting healthcare workers and the public.”

The APHA letter was signed by the organization’s executive director, Georges Benjamin, MD, FACP, and Kate McPhaul, PhD, RN, chair of the APHA OHS Section.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Weekly Toll _ _
Death In The Workplace w/News & Updates
John Donne _ ...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

16 Deaths Per Day
Brave New Foundation (BNF) released a video called 16 Deaths Per Day!

BNF has made it easy to view the PAWA, Protecting American Workers Act, and also sign a petition endorsing the act. It features our very own Mrs. Debi Fergen interviewed and at the start of the video. (Way to go girl)

We met one of the gals that helped produce the video at the National COSH Health and Safety Summit, Ms. Myra Donnelley. Myra has also been very helpful and gracious with her advice. So a big public thank you to Myra!

16 deaths per day cant tell you the whole story but it does help explain why we need the PAWA. I can't stress enough how monumental, how historic the PAWA is. So if you haven't taken a look at what the PAWA really is please take a few moments to do so.

><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed since November 01. These records can be found at

01. Staff Sgt. Stephen L. Murphy, 36, of Jaffery, N.H., died Nov. 9 as a result of a non-hostile incident in Anbar province, Iraq. He was assigned to 2nd Intelligence Battalion, II Marine Expeditionary Force Headquarters Group, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

02. Lance Cpl. Shawn P. Hefner, 22, of Hico, Texas, died Nov. 13 while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to 2nd Amphibious Assault Battalion, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

03. Spc. Christopher J. Coffland, 43, of Baltimore, Md., died Nov. 13 in Wardak province, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked his unit with an improvised explosive device. He was assigned to the 323rd Military Intelligence Battalion, Fort Meade, Md.

The Department of Defense today announced the identity of a soldier currently listed as Duty Status Whereabouts Unknown (DUSTWUN) and the death of a soldier who were both supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. The two soldiers were members of the 1st Battalion, 508thParachute Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C. Sgt. Brandon T. Islip, 23, of Richmond, Va., has been unaccounted for since Nov. 4 in Bala Murghab, Afghanistan, when he went missing while involved in a resupply mission.
04. Sgt. Benjamin W. Sherman, 21, of Plymouth, Mass., has been identified as having been killed while participating in the Nov. 4 resupply mission.

05. Staff Sgt. Ryan L. Zorn, 35, of Upton, Wyo., died Nov.16 in Tal Afar, Iraq, of injuries sustained during a vehicle roll-over. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 34th Armor Regiment, 1st Brigade, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Riley, Kan.

06. Spc. Joseph M. Lewis, 26, of Terrell, Texas died on Nov. 17 in Kandahar, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked his vehicle with an improvised explosive device. He was assigned to the 8th Squadron, 1st Cavalry Regiment, 5th Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division, Fort Lewis, Wash.

07. Petty Officer 2nd Class Brian M. Patton, 37, of Freeport, Ill., died Nov. 19 in Kuwait in a non-combat accident.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Scheduled Activities
Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance _ 234_7371 (24 Hour)
Jail _ 234_5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control _ 800_222_1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Interested in getting in touch with the Banner_News through e_mail?
E_mail addresses for communicating with the newspaper’s various departments are: For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events.
advertising@bannernews. net For retail and classified advertising.
circulation@bannernews. net To start, stop or cancel newspaper delivery or for comments about delivery.
outfitters For Office Outfitters, the office supply division of the Banner_News.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
Acts 13:50-52, 1 Cor 12:4-7, Psa 55:1-7, Acts 4:27-28, Acts 5:16-17, 1 Ki 18:41-45, Psa 69:2,3,5,13,16, Deu 9:16-17, 10:1,4, Rom 12:18-21, Acts 28:30-31, Deu 12:2-4, Mark 6:3-4, Mark 7:14-15, Deu 12:30-32
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

P. S. If you'd like to be added to the distribution, just drop us E_mail at
. We offer "Da Bleat" as text, a "Blog" and as a newsletter with pictures in Word and PDF format. The latest issue is usually updated sometime Saturday. For the "Blog" version just go to one of the several addresses on the web. For the latest issue, go to Older issues can be found at, where _ is the quarter (1, 2, 3, or 4) and __ is the year (05, 06, 07, 08 or 09). We also have a site [] where we post photos that I like.
Let us hear from you if we can switch you over to the "Word" or "PDF" version of "Da Bleat".
If you'd prefer to read "Da Blog" version, just drop us a note at and we'll switch you from e:mail delivery to "Da Bleat" Blog. We appreciate your encouragement. We also appreciate your communication when you desire to be taken off our mail list. If you are on this mail list by mistake or do not wish to receive "Da Bleat," please reply back and tell us to discontinue service to you. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2009 before it was sent.
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> >

No comments:

Post a Comment