Sunday, November 29, 2009

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: At the Vet's Office

Volume 11, Issue 48 Friday, November 27, 2009

Hello All,

Pastor Billy Joe Daughtery, of Victory Christian Center, a Tulsa "Mega Church" passed away Sunday morning, November 22, from lymphoma. Billy Joe was a '70 MHS Graduate. []
One of my favorite Missionaries, Paul David Troquille, said; "... Pastor Billy Joe. A great man has gone on to be with the Lord. I served on his international board with T.L. Osborn. We should not allow what we don't understand to steal from us what we do. GOD IS A GOOD GOD. In honor of him I am choosing not to sorrow as those without hope."
Billy Joe and Sharon are examples of what Christianity is all about. Their life has been spent sharing Christ through all types of ministry. Victory Christian Center not only preached the Word of God but went out into the community and ministered to the needy.
Their Christian School gave scholarships to needy kids and they have supported missions all over the world as well as in the U.S. You can learn more about what God did through them at []
Billy Joe came to know the Lord in SAU’s Green Hall while in college here in Magnolia. But he was always known as a nice guy with integrity. In the first school assembly of my senior year, Billy Joe, who was the Jr. Class President, was one of the student officials who spoke. His speech was so impressive that the High School principal decreed that all future assemblies would be recorded. This would enable him to share our genius with future generations.
The problem with that plan was the need to haul a HUGE wollensak reel to reel tape recorder from the school administration building down to the gym each time there was an assembly. But Principal Clemens had a solution. He appointed George Ingram and me as permanent sound technicians (at least for our senior year) and it was our responsibility to get that BEAST of a machine down to the gym each time. And we did our job well, with not too much complaining. However, no other rousing speeches were given that year and I’m pretty sure that the tapes we recorded at great labor and technical effort are all gone now.
But, you can see how Billy Joe was indirectly responsible for my entry into the audio business.
Billy Joe and Sharon (whose father was also a well known pastor in South Arkansas) returned to Magnolia in the late ‘70s to hold a revival for Bethel Church. The church’s building had burned and they rented the local American Legion building (then called the “Legion Hut” and located on Columbia Street across from the hospital.) The meeting was originally scheduled for two weeks but was extended several times. I believe the meetings ended up going for several months.
Again, Billy Joe started something. Those meetings spawned a hunger for God’s Word in Magnolia that eventually resulted in the founding of Magnolia Christian Center.
I’ll miss Billy Joe, but I know this is an opportunity for us to see God’s incredible provision in our lives. His mother, Iru, was the secretary at KVMA radio station when I worked there in the late ‘60s. Then, when we were young Christians, she mentored Annette in the local Women’s Aglow chapter. We sincerely missed Iru when she moved to Tulsa to be with Billy Joe and Sharon but we were proud to see how God had expanded her ministry.
Now, we get to see how God will expand Victory’s ministry.
And speaking of ministers, here’s an update from missionary Paul Troquille;
Thanks for the bleat. It helps me not be so lonely out here. I just have to tell you the Lord has been so good to me. we are about to graduate 62 on fire students. I could fill a book with all God has done this year. There are so many testimonies but I just wanted to share one in particular.

We have students that come from all over. One young lady (and it's a big deal for a lady to study in a bible school in Africa) came from the bush. She is what we call mshamba; that means a for real country girl. Her clothes were so poor and with no education she struggled so much to even read the scripture. She could not so much as look you in the eye but seemed to walk with a sense of shame around her.

The transforming power of the word of God knows no limits. The other day I encouraged her to share during devotion. She came down and began preaching and immediately you could feel the electricity in the room. She was standing tall although she may not even make five feet. She shared about the importance of prayer and even though her hands shook and she struggled to find the passage the most overwhelming thing was the other 61 students sitting on the edge of their seats hanging on every word and shouting compliments of encouragement to her. When she was through she turned, looked me in the eyes and smiled. I knew that she knew she was loved, by the Lord and by us. And for me, I realized the price is not greater than the glory.

Your servant in Christ,
Paul D. Troquille
Officials at Olin in Charleston, Tenn., and three other chlorine manufactures said a congressional bill that would order them to convert within two years from mercury to a cleaner technology does not give enough time to redesign and reconstruct their facilities. "Essentially, we would have to tear down this facility," said Olin spokeswoman Elaine Patterson.
Hummm . . . This reminds me of my favorite George Fisher Cartoon (Fisher was the editorial cartoonist for the Arkansas Gazette.) It showed a street scene with the state capital in the background. All the Civil Defense Sirens (remember “Civil Defense?”) were sounding and the citizens were all in a panic grabbing their kids and rushing into shelter. The caption was “Legislature Convenes Today.”
You see, our legislative bodies would better serve us if they left us alone for the most part. Or, if they must, pass laws that would encourage us to improve (i.e. tax breaks for energy saving activities, for reducing pollution or for having health insurance.) Instead, they’ve morphed into “Godzilla” groups that stomp through our lives, destroying our economy and poking their “group think” idiocy into all parts of our lives.
Our country has been bankrupted by their willingness to spend our money to get our votes. Most of their efforts to improve our lives have proven counterproductive as well as their responses to the problems they have created.
Don’t misunderstand, I’m for a government that can step up when there’s a national emergency. And many of the things they have done have improved our lives. (i.e. without Medicare there would be almost no paramedic service outside major cities and the Civil Rights bill was necessary to jumpstart needed changes in our society.)
But, unfortunately, the members of congress (like most committees) don’t stop at the needed or necessary, they start reaching out to “meddle” and push their own agendas.
Thus we have legislation like “Cap and Trade” and “Healthcare Reform.” Cap and Trade has been discredited lately after the revelation that much of the global warming argument was made up by a group of scientist that didn’t have real data but did have an agenda. []
As for “Healthcare Reform” this bill doesn’t get insurance for all the uncovered but it does reduce Medicare payments and penalize those who currently have insurance. Another thing it does, in an attempt to offset it’s staggering cost, is to cut “Flex” reimbursements currently used by the ill and disabled to pay for things like wheelchair ramps and medications. “Flex” money is not provided by the government but is set aside by the individual as “pre tax” funds to be used for medical expenses. If the individual doesn’t use all the money they’ve personally saved, it’s lost at the end of the year. So this isn’t some “give away” program. It’s a way for the government to encourage folks to save for needed expenses. The new bill would reduce the amount of this money that could be set aside without being taxed.
How about we give congress a vacation, say for a couple of years and see if the nation is better or worse off in 24 months?
Nigel Lawson: Climate science has turned into religion
Why a think tank? Why now?
By Andrew Orlowski • Get more from this author
Posted in Environment, 25th November 2009 14:25 GMT
Interview One thing is missing from the Global Warming Policy Foundation, launched at Westminster on Monday, chairman Lord Lawson admitted. Mrs. Thatcher's Chancellor for six years acknowledged that there aren't many young people on board. The average age of the Trustees is 74. You could almost say it pits the Old Aged vs. the New Agers.
We got a brief opportunity to talk to Lawson at the launch event - more below.

The think tank is really Benny Piesar's show. The Liverpool anthropologist and policy academic, widely known for founding the CCNet mailing list, is the Foundation's director. The body may disappoint people who want the scientific controversies tackled head on. It's not going to look for the scientific 'smoking pistol' that skeptics crave. What's the point, then?
As with Lawson's book An Appeal To Reason, which dissected the Stern report, it is going to take a look at the policies - and ask whether they're worth it. Lawson resents the assumption, which he said was expressed by state broadcaster the BBC, that if you accepted the majority view of scientists in the field then you had to accept the policies they proposed, too. That's for a democracy to decide.
But speaking to Lawson later, it was clear he didn't think some of the wilder predictions made for man-made global warming had any rational basis.

"There is no scientific basis for some of the alarmism. I'm talking about the predictions of warming, and the measurement of the impacts. There's huge alarmism there."
He referred to what he called a "a disgraceful television advertisement" from the Department of Energy and Climate Change. He means the one with the drowning dog.
"We will certainly be actively involved in monitoring what is being said, in correcting errors where they are errors. The only thing we will not be actively engaged in is what are the causes of the temperature changes on the planet: how much is CO2, how much is solar radiation, how much is cosmic rays. We won't be getting into all that."
Lawson was Chancellor when Crispin Tickell, then British Ambassador to the UN, convinced Prime Minister Thatcher that man-made global warming was a problem. Despite Tickell lacking any scientific background (he read history at university) Mrs. Thatcher took the population campaigner's views seriously enough to make a landmark speech on global warming. This led to the foundation of a branch of the Met Office, the Hadley Centre at Exeter, to study the issue. It remains one of the three leading climate institutes.
"[Global Warming] wasn't really getting a head of steam back then. It did after I left in the 1990s. I left in 1989," he cautions. But did Lawson anticipate, back then, that it would become this all-encompassing movement?
two Irish journalists -- Phelim McAleer and Ann McElhinney – released a documentary in which they gather evidence outlining the damage of global warming hysteria. In "Not Evil Just Wrong," they challenge the claims made in Gore's film and conclude that the film is not worth screening in schools because it is shown there as "an article of science, not faith."
Support COL (ret) Conrad Reynolds as Republican candidate for Senator Lincoln's seat
He is running against 5 or 6 others Republicans in the Republican primary for Senator Lincoln's seat. He needs your assistance and support. COL Reynolds is a candidate that believes as I do -- the importance of our Constitution, limited government, 1st and 2nd Amendments, balanced budget (via reduction in spending not increased taxes), etc. He is pro-life, pro-business, a veteran and retired from the US Army.
Take a look at his web site. []
You’re missing a feast for the mind and spirit if you’re not reading Jimmy’s blog []
Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone! Enjoy the holiday!

Daryn's Thanksgiving Message
If only I could share Thanksgiving dinner with each and every one of you. Since that doesn't seem practical from a traveling nor caloric point of view, I'll do it here with my Thanksgiving blogideo.
Watch Video []
America is not at war. The military is at war. - - America is at the mall, or watching the movie stars.
Remember 9/11

Every one of the thousands of people who perished too suddenly has left behind a legacy in their friends and families. For the millions who bear witness to their memory, life will never be the same.

At 8:45am on Tuesday, September 11, 2001, the first of what would be two passenger jetliners slammed into One World Trade Center in Manhattan, New York. Shortly after, a second passenger jetliner slammed into Two World Trade Center. Passenger jetliners were also hijacked and crashed into the pentagon and near Pittsburgh, PA. Both World Trade Center towers then collapsed causing the worst peacetime tragedy in our country's history.

These events have touched the lives of millions on the net both at home and abroad.

You can also download the movie for yourself there.

You can find the flash movie commemorating these events at's Remember 9/11 Main Page. You can also download the movie for yourself there.

Received from Various Internet sources.

Each week the Defense Department highlights military personnel who have gone above and beyond in the war. [] - - Philip Crosby - - •Hometown: Boiling Springs, SC - - Awarded: The Bronze Star with ‘Valor’

Staff Sergeant Philip Crosby exhibited extraordinary leadership and courage during his deployment from November 2007 to October 2008 in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Crosby, assigned to 10th Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, was serving as the assistant effects advisor for Military Transition Team 133, Multinational Force West.

His Military Transition Team and he were embedded with the 3rd Battalion, 3rd Brigade, 1st Iraqi Army Division, and were assigned to protect the Iraqi people and support the local government in the Diyala and Baghdad provinces.

“Our main role was to support the Iraqis by controlling air assets, gathering intelligence, planning operations and organizing support from units, such as AH-64 Apache helicopters and explosive ordinance disposal,” said Crosby.

On February 17, 2008, Crosby was assigned to a group of 20 Iraqi scouts when their unit was ordered to join 20 members of a U.S. Army team to conduct a combined raid on the Iraqi village of Bodija.

After capturing multiple enemy suspects, Crosby and the Iraqi scouts set out on foot with U.S. Army soldiers in pursuit of possible insurgents that had been spotted by U.S. air assets.

After a two-kilometer chase, the U.S. and Iraqi forces encountered a fierce ambush from insurgent forces.

During the ensuing battle, Crosby demonstrated unwavering heroism by exposing himself to enemy fire all the while maintaining constant communication with his forces

Ultimately he organized and coordinated a counter-attack with the U.S. Army forces.

While the team continued to receive sporadic enemy attacks, Crosby once again exposed himself to enemy fire, assisting wounded soldiers and transporting them to a helicopter landing zone for evacuation to a medical facility.

“He stepped up to the occasion, and exhibited some incredible bravery that day,” said Lt. Col. John Orille, who worked with Crosby in Iraq. “He intuitively thinks on his feet and executes with confidence. His judgment is spot-on at the snap of a finger. No matter what you throw at home, he’s able to assess the situation and take action.”

“The last time I’d been to Iraq was during the invasion,” said Crosby. “I saw a lot of differences from before. Mostly with the people in the towns we went and cleared. You could see the difference two or three days later, because there would be kids playing in the street that weren’t there before.”

For his outstanding bravery, Crosby was awarded the Bronze Star with combat distinguishing ‘V’ device.

Profile written from 6/16/2009 article by LCpl. John Faria, II MEF, Marine Corps Base, Camp Lejeune, N.C.
Bug recommends . . . []
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.

British Member of Parliament Adam Holloway emailed this PDF last night. Mr. Holloway is well informed on Afghanistan and always worth listening to [].

I first met Mr. Holloway in Afghanistan in 2006 in Helmand. He was not in the cocoon but was free-ranging like I was.

Will land in Dubai on Thanksgiving evening. From there will push to Afghanistan with the Stryker brigade. They are seeing much combat. Please sign up for my Twitter account [] to receive more timely updates from the war.

Very Respectfully,
Your Writer,
Michael Yon

PS Please sign up for my updates at "Michael_Yon" [] (not Michael Yon).

We’ve Watched:
"Cranford" (2007) [8.7] Starring Judi Dench
Wilderness Love (2000) [7.6] Valerie Bertinelli
Tender Mercies (1983) [7.6] Robert Duvall ... Tess Harper ... Wilford Brimley
Sherlock Holmes: Terror by Night (1942) [6.7] Basil Rathbone ... Nigel Bruce
We’ve recently read and recommend: Hardball / Sara Paretsky. &
Where men win glory : The odyssey of Pat Tillman / Jon Krakauer.
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include Bobbie, Gerry and Vanessa Cooking, our families playing Bingo before sharing Thanksgiving Lunch, David, Claiborne, and Vanessa, The “Spread” on Thanksgiving, Bobbie and David in their new home.
We’ve now got several addresses on the web for "Da Bleat." For the latest issue, go to Last quarter’s issues can be seen at
Our photos are posted at
If you want to see photos of Last April’s train wreck in Magnolia, go to
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
Dr. Pat Antoon’s Address:
Pat Antoon 06669-010
Federal Prison Camp
P.O. Box 9300
Texarkana, TX 75505
Be sure and keep him in your prayers.
Recipe(s) of the week - - Almond Macaroons - - Source:
Light and airy cinnamon and almond cookies.

Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Difficulty: EASY
Makes 36 servings

Amount Per Serving
Calories 33.4
Total Carbs 5.4 g
Dietary Fiber 0.3 g
Sugars 4 g
Total Fat 1.1 g
Saturated Fat 0.1 g
Unsaturated Fat 1 g
Potassium 20.7 mg
Protein 0.8 g
Sodium 8.7 mg

Servings Ingredients
8oz whole almonds , lightly toasted
1/4cup potato starch (or matzo cake meal)
3egg whites , at room temperature
2/3cup packed light brown sugar
1tsp vanilla extract
1/2tsp ground cinnamon
1pinch salt
1cooking spray

1 Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F.
2 Place the almonds in a food processor, and process until they resemble a coarse meal.
3 Beat the egg whites until quite stiff. Beat in the sugar, vanilla, cinnamon, and salt.
4 Gently fold in the ground almonds.
5 Drop by tablespoonfuls on baking sheets which have been coated with a vegetable spray.
6 Bake for 15 minutes, or until the edges are golden.
7 Remove carefully with a spatula and set gently to cool on plates. The cookies will be soft at first, but become crisp once cool. Store in an airtight container.

Macaroons are traditional to Passover, but don't limit the use of these light and crisp cookies to Passover only. When making them at other times, you can use regular flour instead of the potato starch or matzo cake meal.
Go a Little Nuts: A Handful a Day Boosts Heart Health
Posted by dlife - - November 12, 2009 (Newswise) - Walnuts, almonds, pistachios -- almost any kind of nut -- pack a lot of nutrition into a small shell.
The November issue of Mayo Clinic Women’s HealthSource covers why nuts are a good addition to a heart-healthy diet.

Most nuts contain some nutrients that can benefit heart health and help with cholesterol control. They include unsaturated fats, omega-3 fatty acids, fiber, 1-arginine and plant sterols. Nuts have been shown to reduce low-density lipoproteins (LDL, or “bad” cholesterol) levels in the blood. Eating nuts also can reduce the risk of developing blood clots and improve the health of the lining of the arteries. These benefits suggest that eating nuts, in limited amounts, may reduce the risk of heart disease, though studies haven’t yet proved this conclusively.

Almost any type of nut is nutritious -- and high in calories. It’s best to eat nuts in moderation, no more than a handful a day.

Consider that 1 ounce of almonds contains 169 calories and 15 grams of fat. Calorie and fat content for other nuts is similar. Also, choose unsalted or low-salt versions and use nuts as a substitute for saturated fats, such as those found in meats, eggs and dairy products.

True Thanksgiving
What Are We Teaching Our Kids?
By Chuck Colson: November 26, 2009
What are you thankful for this day? More importantly, to whom are you giving thanks?

This Thanksgiving Day recalls another Thanksgiving many years ago—the happy hours I spent with my children and grandchildren. Over turkey and dressing, I decided to quiz my then 8-year-old grandson, as proud grandparents often do.

I leaned over and said, “Charlie, why did the Pilgrims celebrate the first Thanksgiving?”

Charlie resorted to the obvious answer. He said, “They wanted to give thanks.”

“And who did the Pilgrims give thanks to?”

Charlie squirmed a little bit. “I don’t know,” he said. “I guess they were thanking the Indians. That’s what we learned at school anyway.”

I was aghast. We were celebrating a major holiday with deep Christian roots, and my own grandson didn’t know its significance!

The real Thanksgiving story starts in 1621, in Plymouth Colony, Massachusetts. Life was hard for the Pilgrims, and through the first winter the tiny colony endured hunger and privation. Nearly all of them fell ill, and only half survived the winter.

But spring came, the crops were planted, and the first harvest proved bountiful. Governor William Bradford called a special feast to give thanks to the Creator. They celebrated for a week, along with 100 Native Americans they invited to join them.

The Pilgrims did not give thanks to the Native Americans; they invited them to join in giving thanks to God—the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the God made known in Jesus Christ.

Days set apart for thanksgiving were a common feature of colonial life. In 1631, a Puritan colony faced starvation when a ship carrying food supplies was delayed. Governor Winthrop declared a day of prayer to God. On the appointed day, as they were praying, the ship sailed into the harbor. The day of petition was turned into a day of feasting and thanksgiving.

Other thanksgiving days were held in Florida, Maine, and Texas. Virginia colonists wrote into their charter that the day of their arrival was to be “kept holy as a day of thanksgiving to Almighty God.”

Today we don’t hear much about thanking Almighty God. Instead we are urged to conjure up a generic gratefulness directed to nobody in particular.

When I realized my own grandson had lost sight of the Christian meaning of Thanksgiving, I knew I had to do some homework myself. I pulled together information about George Washington, who declared a day of national thanksgiving in 1789. I tracked down literature on Abraham Lincoln, who declared Thanksgiving an annual holiday in 1863. And I sat down for a good, long talk with Charlie.

As Christian parents, we need to make sure we are passing on our religious heritage to our children. The recent Religious Landscape survey by the Pew Forum showed that 18 percent of Protestants and 30 percent of Catholics who had some faith as a child are now unaffiliated with any religion. We’ve got to do better passing it on.

So today don’t assume everyone knows why you are gathering together over turkey and cranberry sauce. Teach your children and grandchildren that generic gratefulness isn’t enough. Thanksgiving means giving thanks to the one true God.

Copyright © 2009 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved _ _
Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:
Senator Blanche Lambert Lincoln (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_4843
FAX 202_228_1371
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314§iontree=7677
Other states congresspersons can be found at: []
Words of the Day:
germane: appropriate or fitting; relevant.
affable: easy to speak to; also, gracious.
benison: blessing; an utterance of good wishes.
martinet: a strict disciplinarian.
Brobdingnagian: gigantic; enormous.
provender: food or provisions.
gourmand: one who enjoys good food in great quantities.
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.' - - Thomas Jefferson

"The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." - Henry David Thoreau

"Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody." - Franklin P. Adams

"However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results." - Winston Churchill

"A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life." - Charles Darwin

"The efforts which we make to escape from our destiny only serve to lead us into it." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity." - Irving Kristol

Growing "Thankful" Children—a Few Good Pointers
by Aimee Herd : Nov 26, 2009 : Sarah Beldo – Guideposts Magazine

"A similar activity might see children and parents choosing old games and toys to donate to underprivileged families…"

Instilling that desired "attitude of gratitude" in your children seems to work best when it's practiced by parents early on, so it becomes a way of life to them.

Child Development expert, Chuck Smith, from Kansas State University has some good ideas for nurturing a thankful heart in kids.

One of those ideas is to have your children pick out some food at the grocery store to help stock your local food bank or pantry. Smith suggests the children bring the cans of food in to the food bank to help foster the act of giving to others.

Says Smith, "Then, at dinner that night, talk about what you did that day. The parent's role is to help the child imagine the pleasure of cooking and eating that food."

310 2nd Ave SE
Albany, Oregon 97321
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From the collection of Flem Winders. Shared with to me by a friend (Thanks, Martha) -Tom
If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to:

GCF: At the Vet's Office

A little boy and his dog were waiting outside a veterinary clinic. When asked if he was there to see the doctor, he replied, "Yes, I'm having my dog put into neutral."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: I Am Thankful.....

...for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.

...for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

...for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

...for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

...for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.

...for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech.

...for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.

...for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.

...for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.

...for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.

...for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive.

...for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me.
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Grandfather Turkey

Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

GCF: Self Defense

Paul was not the brightest guy around. Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.

One day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.

"Well," explained Paul, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat up those guys who used to steal my money."

His instructor said, "What happened?"

Paul replied, "They jumped me before I could get my socks and shoes off!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

GCF: Cutting Board

My in-laws gave us a beautiful knife set -- top quality. The accompanying cutting board, however, was a different story. On the wrapping around it was printed this warning: "Opening with sharp object may damage this product."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Oldies Radio

While driving in the car with my son, I had an "oldies" radio station on. It played a song that I remembered from the 1960's.

"You know, Ron, this song was on when I was in bed with a broken leg when I was young."

"Gee, Mom, that's too bad," he replied. "You couldn't even get up to turn it off."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website: Subscribe

GCF: Babies at the Mall

A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six-month-old baby and her sister's three-month-old baby.

Two elderly women approached the mother. "Are they twins?" one asked.

"No, they're three months apart."

"My! You sure had them close together."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website: Subscribe

GCF: Yellow Canaries

A lady went to a pet shop.

"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.

But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Farmer and Hired Hand

After giving the hired man a dressing down for being late in returning with supplies, the farmer demanded, "Okay, now let's hear how it happened, Miller."

"Well, I picked up a minister along the road," explained the hired hand, "and from there on the mules couldn't understand a word I said."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Tying Shoes

There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her 6 year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."

"Well, Honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognized his victory in the struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"

"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Clean Joke of the Day) -Tom To subscribe to Clean Joke of the Day, just visit the website:

GCF: Learner's Permit

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit for driving offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

"Thank you!" said the mother as she got out of the car and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Anytime," her daughter replied.

As the mother closed the door she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to:

GCF: Puritans

The American History teacher was lecturing the class on the Puritans. She asked, "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"

A small voice from the back of the room responded, "Small investors."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Clean Joke of the Day) -Tom To subscribe to Clean Joke of the Day, just visit the website:

GCF: Big Fish

Two men went fishing. One was an experienced fisherman, the other wasn't. Every time the experienced fisherman caught a big fish, he put it in his ice chest to keep it fresh. Whenever the inexperienced fisherman caught a big fish, he threw it back.

The experienced fisherman watched this go on all day and finally got tired of seeing the man waste good fish. "Why do you keep throwing back all the big fish you catch?" he asked.

The inexperienced fisherman replied, "I only have a small frying pan."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Marie) - Tom

GCF: Tastes Like Chicken

A man is caught sitting at a make-shift campfire by a forest ranger, and to the ranger's horror, the man is eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while I consider your testimony."

(15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.)

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

(No "hands" right now. Sorry)
_ ____________________________ _
GCF: Diapers

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
_ ____________________________ _
GCF: The Necklace

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
_ ____________________________ _
GCF: The Library

Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter.

Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."

The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library."

Judi nods.

Then she *whispers*, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke...."

_ ____________________________ _
GCF: It's Fixed!

My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this
notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk".
_ ____________________________ _
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Aibohphobia, \ /
\ _/ n., The fear of palindromes. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ /Success always occurs in private,\ /
\ _/ and failure in full view. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Life is like an onion. \ /
\ _/ You live it one layer at a time \_ /
/ / ... and sometimes you cry. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Energizer Bunny arrested, \ /
\ _/ charged with battery. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / How do you tell when you \ /
\ _/ run out of invisible ink? \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / The two biggest problems in \ /
\ _/ America are making ends meet \_ /
/ / and making meetings end. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / \ /
\ _/How does one expect the unexpected?\_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / \ /
\ _/ Carpe Denim - Jeans For Fish \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Knowledge is knowing that a \ \_/ ////
\ / tomato is a fruit. \ /
\ _/ Wisdom is NEVER putting it \_ /
/ / in a fruit salad. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I am grateful that I am not \ /
\ _/ as judgmental as all those \_ /
/ / censorious, self-righteous \ \
people around me.
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Help Wanted: Telepath. \ /
\ _/ You know where to apply. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / There is absolutely \ /
\ _/ no substitute for \_ /
/ / a genuine lack of preparation. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I have to take my \ /
\ _/ paycheck to the bank. \_ /
/ / It's too little to go by itself. \ \
_ ____________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | | \ \
_( (_ | | _) )_
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_| ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
OT: In case you though our clients were the only folks who are trouble-report-challenged

I've probably(?) already whined about the fact that I am the part time IT guy at the office... on the other hand job security today sometimes requires extra measures!

One of the sales folks is standing, not too patiently I might add, ad my desk when I arrived yesterday morning. "What can I do for you?" I ask, in the hopes that he has a really cool project for me. "Make my stupid (expletives deleted) laptop work!!!" he replies.
The trouble-shooting process went almost exactly like this (I cleaned up the language):
me: what changed?
him: nothing!
me: what's the problem then?
him: I can't send email!
me (displaying uncharacteristic optimism): ok, did something change?
him (displaying a complete lack of patience): NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At this point I have decided to stop asking questions, so I check all the account settings, the device settings, etc - everything appears to be correct.
me: can you receive email:
him: no.
So I check those settings.
me: where do you have problems?
him: everywhere
me: it's working now
him: I meant everywhere but here... you broke my computer!
So I go through all the rest of the settings, but it's really difficult to diagnose a problem when everything is working.
me: can you connect to the internet:
him: no
me (to myself): AHA!
Now I check all the internet settings, and once again everything appears to be ok
me: is anything else not working?
him: I don't know
me: well did you try your office applications?
him: no
me: (scratching my head) can you think of anything else that's out of kilter?
him: NO! For heaven's sake can't you fix this?
me: I can't find anything wrong, can you tell me exactly what happened last night?
him: this has been going on for about a week now, it wasn't just last night.
me (tempted to ask why he waited a week, but no, I need a better question): did you notice if your laptop connected to your wireless network at home, it's this little icon right here...
him: how am I supposed to see the icon when the battery is dead? Every time I go to send an email the computer shuts down because the battery is dead.
me: huh? him: I leave the charger here at work, so the laptop only works for a few minutes when I get home - it usually isn't enough time to start the email program, but even when it is the computer dies before I get to read my email. So I can't send email!
at which point I resist the urge to strangle him, since he is (a) bigger than me and (b) a very productive sales person...
Last night he took the charger home and much to his surprise, everything worked properly.
Now you may think I made all of this up, but trust me, if I could write good fiction I'd have written the great American novel by now!
So next time someone tells you that there sound system isn't working and it takes 20 questions to discover that the building burned down keep this one in mind...

Syn-Aud-Con Discussion List

Thanks to Claiborne Sharp
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If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet Syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story Below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his Room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into His bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, Looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to Reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she Inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most Loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she Informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
Tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d 's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In Fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .. . Um .. . .. Rub themselves. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just . Just . . . Excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just ..that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

Thanks to Gary Foreman
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A lot of truth here plus some laughs……………………. with a few exceptions this about say's it all

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?

What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!


I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m. I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer. I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying. I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over... I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine. I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting in long lines, crowds, lawyers, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.....

I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

"Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up"
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Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left. When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner

/* We wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! */

(from David Letterman's Top Ten Lists)

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Thanksgiving Short Jokes

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy, I'm stuffed!

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of foul play!

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside!

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes. A building can't jump at all!

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

What type of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off!

What key has legs and can't open doors?
A turkey!

What's the best thing to put into pumpkin pie?
Your teeth!

Received from John.


Waiting in Line

I was waiting in line at my county clerk's office one afternoon and noticed a hand-lettered sign that read: "Any child left unattended will be given a free kitten."

Contributed to Reader's Digest, "Life in These United States," by Jeanne Maultsky

Received from Ed.


Well, Hellooooooooooooo!

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Received from FranCMT2.


Field Test

My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand. "Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Everything is Wonderful

My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty,
The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Sixteen Times

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies.

"Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!"

"Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.

The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"

"We ate about a third of the box on the way home."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Finest Equipment

Morris had been playing golf for years and he had the finest golfing equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.

"I've never had an old ball," Morris said.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Bucket o' Chicken

One day a state trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in, and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

So the trooper decided to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. He pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof, and offered it to the driver.

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "No thanks. I just bought some."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Excuses, Excuses

Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.

A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.

An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."

A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."

"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."

One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."

An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Dinner Party

My dinner party was headed for disaster.

One man, an insurance salesman, was monopolizing the conversation with a lengthy account of recent litigation involving himself. Since two other guests were lawyers, I was becoming increasingly uneasy.

"In the end," the salesman concluded, "you know who got all the money."

I cringed.

"The lawyers!" he shouted.

There was embarrassed silence at the table. My heart was pounding until the wife of one lawyer said, "Oh, I love a story with a happy ending."

- from Reader's Digest, "Life in These United States," by Jane Ghegan

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Aerobics Instructor

The first time I met my wife, she was an intense aerobics instructor at my health club and I was an out-of-shape new member. After one grueling workout, I gasped, "This is really helping me get toned." She looked me up and down. Feeling self-conscious, I added, "Big men run in my family."

She raised an eyebrow. "Apparently not enough."

-- Contributed to Reader's Digest, "Life in These United States," by John Parkerz

Received from Ed.



The detective was interviewing the man whose clothing shop had just been burglarized.

"It's bad," said the proprietor, "but it's not as bad as it could have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."

"Why is that?" the detective asked.

"Because today everything was on sale."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.



My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


You'll Get Your Quilt

Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared; you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming."

Received from Larry.


Will of the People

The president, tired of his low approval ratings, called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The president said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me. So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the president saw him immediately.

The president said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, express the will of the people," the president ordered.

So the agent stood up, made a fist, and punched him in the nose.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Doctor's Office

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Shin Guards

After I had injured one of my shins for the umpteenth time, my doctor suggested I wear some sort of protection. Remembering the shin guards I wore when I played soccer over 60 years ago, I went to a local sporting goods store.

I'm a petite, elderly woman, so when a young man came to help me, I said, "Don't laugh, but I'm looking for a pair of shin guards for soccer."

"Okay," he said with a completely straight face. "What position do you play?"
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest, "All In a Day's Work," by Naomi Schulman

Received from Ed.


A Woman, a Bus, and a Baby

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and give him a piece of your mind. Go ahead... I'll hold your monkey for you."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


You Know You're in a Small Town When ...

The city limits sign is printed on both sides of the same post.

You plug in your electric razor in a motel and the street lights dim.

The town square is actually a phone booth.

The sheriff, the deputy, and the street cop are all the same person and can be seen on Wednesdays only.

The Walmart, the local grocery, and UPS all have the same telephone number.

The local doctor, the veterinarian (same person) still makes house calls.

Received from Steven Wells.


Following His Instructions

An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem, and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix it for you."

About ten minutes later, she showed up at his door ... with only the electrical cord in her right hand.

Received from Ed.


Eye Exams

Eye-examination charts vary according to the manufacturer, but one thing they have in common is that they don't spell anything.

One day a patient came into my office for an ophthalmological exam. I asked him to read the 20/40 line of the eye chart, but obviously the letters FZBDE were mostly a blur to him. Finally he ventured a guess.

"I can't pronounce his name," the man said, "but I think he played football for Notre Dame."

Received from Ed.


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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - - - - PARENTAL PROPOSAL
The "help wanted" pages are filled with job descriptions that defy comprehension. This probably explains why so many parents can't quite figure out what it is their children do for a living. And it can lead to parental queries like this one from my mother-in-law to my husband Mark:

"Tell me exactly what your job is. Go slowly. I have to write it down."

Mark hadn't switched employers or secured a promotion; he's been doing essentially the same work for ten years. So why the sudden curiosity? Because his parents recently attended a wedding packed with inquisitive relatives. Relatives who appeared to be more interested in Mark's career than they were in the bride and groom.

"Jeff/Harry/Beth is doing great. He/she's a CPA/GYN/PHD," they reportedly said. "So how's Mark? What did you say he does?"

"Something with computers," my mother-in-law answered at first. "And banking, I think."

"That's sounds nice," they responded, "but what exactly does he do?"

"Well I'm not sure, but I know it's very important. So doesn't Sheila make a lovely bride?"

"How could you not know what your own son does for a living?" they prodded, refusing to be distracted by something as inconsequential as the bride's appearance. "What is he -- some kind of spy?"

"Everyone thinks you're with the CIA," Mark's mother complained the moment she came home. "They kept me so busy with their questions, I almost missed dessert. The only way I got to the ruggelah, was to promise to write and explain precisely what you do. So what do you do?"

For the next hour I listened as Mark tried to describe his job, and his mother grew more and more confused. Do other people have this problem, I wondered. So I decided to ask some friends.

"I just tell my folks I work with numbers," an econometrics expert told me. "It doesn't really satisfy them, but it's the best I can do."

"All my parents know is I work with lab rats," said a scientist friend whose job I can't begin to describe.

"I do junk bond work," replied a securities attorney. "How would you like to explain that to your parents?"

The solution to this job generation gap came to me as I listened to the tenth description of an indescribable job. From now on, at least once a year, we should take our parents to work with us. After all, there's already an annual Take Our Daughters To Work Day and a strong move afoot to include sons. But, shockingly, nobody has protested the exclusion of parents. Such blatant discrimination goes to the very essence of parenting -- parents' inalienable right to brag about their kids.

Imagine the educational benefit of parents sitting with their children at the conference table/laboratory/computer room. Witnessing their daughters' demos and their sons' presentations. Watching their offspring interact with bosses, clients, co-workers (both enemies and friends). Gazing as their progeny dodge phone calls, pound keyboards, glare at computer screens, and curse the invention of the fax machine.

There are risks, of course. Dad may cross-examine the boss about health insurance and the company's retirement plan. Mom may whip out a tape measure and compare office footage on her hands and knees. Both will conclude you're smarter than your boss and make sure to let him know it. And you can be sure that one of them will demand to know when you're getting a promotion.

But despite the risks, we owe it to our parents to expose them to our work environments. Besides, a discreetly whispered warning is usually all it takes to get parents to behave. The warning? "If you get me fired, I'll move back home."

Mark is very excited by my idea and plans to try it at his firm next month. What does Mark do? Something with computers. And banking, I think.

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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TOURBUS _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _:) _ :)_ :)
Vol 15, Number 57
23 Nov 2009
80,000 Riders in Over 100 Countries

Thanksgiving Flowers / Erase Your Hard Drive / PCTools Threatfire / GoToMyPC For Free? / HD Monitor In today's TOURBUS, I've got an exclusive Tourbus Rider discount code to help you Send Flowers For Thanksgiving, and the scoop on how to Completely Erase a Hard Drive.

Does your anti-virus provide enough protection? Consider adding PCTools Threatfire to boost security. Also, I've got a list of Free Alternatives to GoToMyPC, for those who need to access their computers remotely. And should you buy an HD Monitor? Find out if it's a toy or a tool. Read on!

Send Flowers For Thanksgiving - - Did you know... your fearless Busdriver has another job in addition to publishing the Internet Tourbus newsletter? Since 1998, I've operated FlowersFast, an online florist service. It's kind of like FTD or 1-800-Flowers, only with better prices and friendlier service. :-)
FlowersFast offers flowers, gift baskets and gourmet food items for delivery all over the world. And since Thanksgiving is approaching, this would be a great time to visit FlowersFast and send heartfelt thanks or greetings to a special someone in your life.
To make it even easier, I'm giving TOURBUS readers a special 15% discount if you use promo code TOURBUS at checkout time. I hope you'll visit FlowersFast and try our service!

Completely Erase a Hard Drive - - When you replace a hard drive, what do you do with the old one? Most people give their surplus drives away to friends or charities. Some just throw them in the trash. But what about all the data on that old drive? Even if you deleted files or formatted the drive, your data might still be readable.
Here's how to securely and completely erase every last bit of data from your hard drive...

Does PCTools Threatfire Boost Security? - - You don't need to know a burglar's name to know that he's a threat to your home security. Likewise, you shouldn't need to know a computer virus's name in order to stop it before it does damage to your computer. But ironically, that's exactly how most anti-virus programs work.
Threatfire anti-virus software works differently, and can significantly boost the virus detection rate of your existing security software...

Free Alternatives to GoToMyPC - - GotoMyPC allows you to log on to a remote computer, access the desktop, open files or run programs, just as if you were sitting at its keyboard. This screen sharing ability can be handy for techies solving a client's problem; people who are away from home or office; or just showing Grandma how to save photos on her hard drive.
But there's no need to pay $20 a month for remote access, when there are other tools that let you do it for free...

Should I Buy an HD Monitor? - - The fashionable thing in computer monitors these days is "HD" or High-Definition. If you don't have an HD monitor the geeks will look at you with puzzlement and pity. Naturally, HD monitors are the most expensive sort now, too. But in some situations, they can actually SAVE you money.
Find out if an HD monitor is just a geeky toy, or the right choice for you...

Click for Online Colleges [°reeID=&stateID=]

That's all for now, see you next time!
-- Bob Rankin
===[ Tourbus Rider Information ]=======
The Internet Tourbus _ U.S. Library of Congress ISSN #1094_2238 Copyright 1995_2009, Rankin & Crispen _ All rights reserved Be Smarter & Better Looking Than [_99.959040_] Percent of Users Hop On the Bus and Join 80,000 Others Around the World!
Best of Everything _ Subscribe, Signoff, Archives, Free Stuff and More at the Tourbus Home _
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The Pump Handle. A water cooler for the public health crowd.

November 27, 2009 in Confined Space @ TPH | by Liz Borkowski |

Over the weekend, an explosion ripped through the Xinxing mine in the northeastern China province of Heilongjiang. Five hundred workers were underground at the time, and 107 of them have now been declared dead. Marianne Barriaux reports for AFP:

Press reports quoted Zhao Tiechui, deputy head of the state work safety agency, as saying overcrowded shafts were among the factors in the disaster at the Xingxing mine in northeast China.

“Excessively large coal faces being mined, too many people below ground and insufficient ventilation were factors in the accident,” Zhao was quoted saying by various media. …

The state-run Global Times newspaper reported that safety authorities had recently granted the mine a clean safety record.

The head, deputy head and chief engineer of the mine have been removed from their posts, state press reports have said.

The death toll from this disaster surpasses that of the 2007 explosion at a Shanxi province mine, which killed 105.

In other news:

Read the rest of this entry []

Worker death in my hometown, Arlington County Virginia
November 27, 2009 in Confined Space @ TPH, Occupational Health & Safety, Regulation, Safety | by Celeste Monforton | Leave a comment

Early in the morning on Thanksgiving eve, just a few miles from my house in Arlington County, Virginia, Mr. James Bea, 59, was killed on the job. Mr. Bea and his county-employee co-worker were working at the site of a water main break. They were removing a set of temporary lights that had been erected to allow others workers to proceed through the night with the sewer line repairs. Mr. Bea, who had been a county employee for 24 years, was electrocuted and his co-worker suffered serious burns.

Arlington County issued a news release (11/25/09) and a video story through its AVNetwork called ““Power Line Tragedy.” The video release features Mr. James Bea’s boss, Bob Griffin, the director of the Department of Environmental Services (DES), reminding us that public sector employees are often hidden from view, unrecognized for the work they do, and working in conditions that most people would find “deplorable.” From the county’s video release, I’ve posted at the end of this post the text of director Bob Griffin’s remarks.

Mr. James Bea’s death is being investigated officially by the Virginia OSH, and hopefully they will help provide the Bea family and his co-workers some answers. His death gave me the chance to explain to my husband, Jim, that the death of a public sector employee in 27 other States would not result in any official investigation.

“That’s a big gap…a big loophole, isn’t it?” he said.

Read the rest of this entry []

Thanksgiving and swine flu
November 25, 2009 in Influenza | by revere | 1 comment

by revere, cross-posted from Effect Measure

In the US we are about to embark on the Thanksgiving holiday, a 4 day period where families get together for a celebratory meal (at least celebratory unless you are one of the original inhabitants of the continent). There is lots of intergenerational visiting (grandparents to great grandchildren and lots of mingling of people from disparate geographic areas). In the midst of a swine flu pandemic, the obvious question is the epidemiologic implications. Ordinarily there is some effect. Ordinarily.

Read the rest of this entry []
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Weekly Toll _ _
Death In The Workplace w/News & Updates
John Donne _ ...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

St. Paul firefighter's death is declared in line of duty - - November 21, St. Paul, Minnesota - As a St. Paul firefighter, Ramon "Ray" Hain came in contact with a patient's body fluids in 1997. Doctors think he contracted a rare disease that weakened his heart. Hain, of Roseville, got a heart transplant in 1998 but had to retire in 2000 from the job he loved. In recent months, the 50-year-old Hain's heart began failing. He died last Saturday. Despite the years that have passed, the St. Paul Fire Department considers his death to be in the line of duty — its first such death in 20 years — and his name will be inscribed at the National Fallen Firefighters Memorial in Emmitsburg, Md.

Corrections officer dies in collision on U.S. 95 - - November 21, Las Vegas, Nevada - A corrections officer with the Metropolitan Police Department died early this morning when the van he was driving was involved in a collision on U.S. Highway 95 near Searchlight. Daniel Leach, 49, a 25-year veteran of the department, died after his southbound van clipped the second trailer of a 10-wheel dump truck that was making a left turn to head north on 95, police said. He was the only occupant in the vehicle. Two occupants of the dump truck were uninjured. Leach was beginning his shift at the time of the 5:45 a.m. accident, en route to Searchlight, about 50 miles south of Las Vegas, when the accident occurred.
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NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed since November 01. These records can be found at

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. They died Nov. 19 in Zabul province, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when a suicide car-bomber attacked their unit. They were assigned to the 782d Brigade Support Battalion, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C. Killed were:
01. Staff Sgt. John J. Cleaver, 36, of Marysville, Wash.; and
02. Sgt. Daniel A. Frazier, 25, of Saint Joseph, Mich.

03. Lance Cpl. Nicholas J. Hand, 20, of Kansas City, Mo., died Nov. 22 while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to 2nd Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

04. Sgt. Briand T. Williams, 25, of Sparks, Ga., died Nov. 22, in Numaniyah, Iraq, of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked his unit using small arms fire. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 10th Field Artillery Regiment, 3rd Heavy Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division, Fort Benning, Ga.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. They died Nov. 22 in Zabul province, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when enemy forces attacked their vehicle with an improvised explosive device. They were assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 508th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C. Killed were:
05. Sgt. James M. Nolen, 25, of Alvin, Texas; and
06. Pfc. Marcus A. Tynes, 19, of Moreno Valley, Calif.

07. Staff Sgt. Matthew A. Pucino, 34, of Cockeysville, Md., died Nov. 23 in Pashay Kala, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when enemy forces attacked his unit with an improvised explosive device. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 20th Special Forces Group of the Maryland Army National Guard in Glen Arm, Md.

08. Sgt. Jason A. McLeod, 22, of Crystal Lake, Ill., died Nov. 23, west of Pashmul, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked his unit with mortar fire. He was assigned to the 704th Brigade Support Battalion, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, Fort Carson, Colo.
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
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Scheduled Activities
Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there.
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance _ 234_7371 (24 Hour)
Jail _ 234_5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control _ 800_222_1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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Interested in getting in touch with the Banner_News through e_mail?
E_mail addresses for communicating with the newspaper’s various departments are: For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events.
advertising@bannernews. net For retail and classified advertising.
circulation@bannernews. net To start, stop or cancel newspaper delivery or for comments about delivery.
outfitters For Office Outfitters, the office supply division of the Banner_News.
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
Psa 64:6-8 1 Cor 10:19-21 Deu 17:18-19 Rom 4:18-21 Acts 27:7-8 Rom 8:1-4 Mat 18:7-9 Deu 29:2-4 Mark 6:22-24 Mark 6:45-47 Acts 27:10-11 Deu 13:16-18
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

P. S. If you'd like to be added to the distribution, just drop us E_mail at
. We offer "Da Bleat" as text, a "Blog" and as a newsletter with pictures in Word and PDF format. The latest issue is usually updated sometime Saturday. For the "Blog" version just go to one of the several addresses on the web. For the latest issue, go to Older issues can be found at, where _ is the quarter (1, 2, 3, or 4) and __ is the year (05, 06, 07, 08 or 09). We also have a site [] where we post photos that I like.
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