Saturday, July 13, 2013

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Term Paper

Some of Annette's "Backyard" posies

Da Boys helping put up our neighbors trash cans

Ethan with "play" tattoos and a strawberry sundae

Annette enjoying her new lawn furniture

Josiah "Chillin"

our neighbors posies

Volume 15, Issue 27 Friday, July 12, 2013

Hello ALL,

The “Incredible Wife Of My Youth” is a never ending fount of surprise. Thursday morning, I was eating breakfast while Annette did her “Walk About” (as she refers to her daily patrol of the neighborhood, picking up trash and debris in the yards, checking on the plants and trees and generally looking after our friends.) Suddenly, I saw Annette running through the yard, toward the front door.

She burst into the house and shouted; “Is there water in the frig?” “No.” I replied. She ran past me and out the back door, returning momentarily with a bottle of water from storage in the garage.

She again ran past me and got to the front door just as the mailman stepped up on the porch. She exchanged the bottle of water for our mail and he thanked her profusely, declaring; “You’re a life saver.”

When she stepped back into the house, I gave her a questioning look and she told me; “I heard him coughing like he had something caught in his throat while he was putting the mail in our neighbor’s box. So I got him some water.” She said this as if I should have known what was happening without asking.
“A new species, Robo sapiens, are emerging,” one robots industry leader said.

Wednesday, the navy successfully landed a drone fighter on the deck of an aircraft carrier for the first time. We are officially in the future of unmanned warfare. Up till now, drones required an air base on land to function. Now, they are shown to be able to attack from any ocean, expanding our coverage of drones hugely.
But the Navy isn’t just using Robots to fly. In a race against one another and the clock, robotic boats are battling it out at the 6th International RoboBoat Competition, which began 8 July and ends 14 July. The Office of Naval Research (ONR)-co-sponsored competition takes place on a pond at the Founder’s Inn and Spa in Virginia Beach, Virginia. The event features fifteen student teams racing their custom-designed and built boats.
Not to hold artificial intelligence to drone aircraft and ships, a Pentagon-financed humanoid robot named Atlas made its debut Thursday in Boston, where it was displayed publicly for the first time. Atlas is hydraulically powered, has stereo and laser vision systems, and dexterous hands. Made of aluminum and titanium and weighing 330 pounds, the robot will be able to learn until it has the approximate human functioning of a 2-year-old child. The robotics firm working on it says it could replace human rescuers in various hazardous disaster zones like the wildfire in Arizona that killed 19 firefighters.
Anybody remember HAL? []
HAL: I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

[on Dave's return to the ship, after HAL has killed the rest of the crew]

HAL: I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.
Someday, I need to discuss my opinion of total reliance on programming and CPUs to protect a system against failure. Too many times the question; “What if ____ happens?” is answered by; “____’s protected by a failsafe computer system.” Or “_____ would be prevented by the programming.”
While we’re on the subject of misunderstood systems, I noticed today that Exxon concluded that the “Root Cause of a 150,000 gallon crude oil spill in Mayflower, AR was a manufacturing defect in the pipeline (specifically hook cracks near a seam.)”
Hummm …
So the “Root Cause” was that the pipe was incorrectly built and it WASN’T that the pipeline owner failed to properly inspect and certify the initial construction, much less failed to perform proper routine inspections and preventive maintenance?
Speaking of the government and how it helps or hurts us … The Plundering of NASA: an Exposé
R.D. Boozer
Available via kindle copy & Paperback. ASIN: B00CQQ3MQK

At last, here is a book peering behind the veil of Congressional politics which force NASA to do the bidding of regional interests that cripple the nation’s capabilities in both exploring outer space and exploiting its enormous economic potential.

America stopped doing ambitious human space exploration missions four decades ago. The general press and technical publications have yet to adequately publicize the political causes behind the lack of great spaceflight accomplishments that everyone once expected would occur by the Twenty-First Century.

Presenting the opinions of astronauts, prominent “rocket scientists” and space policy analysts while also revealing unpublicized studies conducted by NASA, industry and universities, The Plundering of NASA: An Exposé combines into one book many of the facts the major media have either ignored or not discovered. Expert sources explain modern and economically practical solutions that can allow NASA to exceed its former Apollo glory within its current budget. In short, the book relates how honest misconceptions, greed, and an outdated faction within NASA itself cause our nation to get less for its space agency tax dollars than it could and should.
Rasmussen Reports

56% Favor Delaying Individual Health Care Mandate, 26% Opposed
Now that President Obama has delayed implementation of the employer mandate portion of his new national health care law, most voters think he also should delay the requirement that every American buy or obtain health insurance.

Daily Presidential Tracking Poll: 48% Approve of Obama's Job Performance
Americans Want to Exercise Their Rights – Reasonably -- -- A Commentary By Scott Rasmussen

As Americans, we tend to believe we have the right to do whatever we want, so long as it doesn't interfere with the rights of others. But sometimes the lines get a little blurry.

For example, what happens if the owner of a bar in a college town wants to avoid some of the problems that come with college drinking? Should the bar owner be allowed to set a rule so that only those 25 and older are allowed in his bar? Or since 21-year-olds can legally drink, should the bar owner be forced to admit anyone who is 21 and older?

Just over half (53 percent) of all Americans say the bar owner should be allowed to set a 25-year-old age limit. About one out of three disagree.

This is consistent with a longstanding tradition in America that the owner of a house gets to write the house rules. It builds upon an old English attitude embraced in common law that a man's home is his castle.

The same public attitudes prevail in a situation where the owner of a Brooklyn deli requires that its patrons dress modestly. Sixty-eight percent believe the owner has the right to impose such a rule, but New York City officials disagree. The owners are Orthodox Jews, and the city views their action as religious discrimination.

Most Americans also think it's OK for real estate developers to restrict some properties to people 55 and above or to let bars offer half-price drinks to women during happy hour.

Shifting gears, some colleges have rules requiring that leadership in campus organizations be open to anyone. But by a 2-to-1 margin, Americans disagree. A solid majority believes Christian campus organizations should be allowed to select only Christian leaders. A similar number believe that gay and lesbian groups should be allowed to select only leaders who support equal rights for gay and lesbian Americans.

That sounds like common sense, but it's been the source of legal action in recent years.

That's because in the cases mentioned, somebody's rights are technically being violated by the decisions of someone else. A 54-year-old who wants to buy a home in a restricted development is denied the opportunity. Those who don't want to dress modestly are denied the chance to patronize a deli. An atheist who wants to lead a Christian organization is banned from doing so.

There are some who believe that the rights of the consumer must triumph absolutely over the rights of the business owner. The American Civil Liberties Union holds this view. It believes that if you open your doors to serve the public in any way, you forfeit all right to set terms and conditions on whom you will serve.

There are others who hold that if someone owns a business, they can do whatever they want. While this sounds right to most Americans, it can lead to problems if carried to an extreme. Hardly anybody, for example, believes that a restaurant should be allowed to deny service to someone simply because they are black.

At the end of the day, most Americans don't believe that either consumers or business owners have absolute rights. They believe business owners can establish reasonable restrictions on whom they will serve, and consumers always have the right to take their business elsewhere.

To find out more about Scott Rasmussen, and read features by other Creators writers and cartoonists, visit


See Other Political Commentaries.

See Other Commentaries by Scott Rasmussen.
Jeanne Robertson "Don't go to Vegas without a Baptist” is worth watching. []

Thanks to Joe Mullins.
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy."

The Guarneri family soon followed suit and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world."

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.
EarthSky News - - July 12, 2013 - Another Supermoon

Another supermoon coming up on July 22. It's the third full supermoon this year.

Washing your hair in space: Video: Astronaut Karen Nyberg – currently aboard the International Space Station – demonstrates.
dLife Foodstuff - - Diabetes Drug Dilemmas

Weighing Diabetes Drugs - - Risk and Benefits
By Ilene Raymond Rush

June 2013 — I've written before about how I find type 2 diabetes the ultimate DIY, or do it yourself, disease.

While most of us visit an endo every few months to check our weight, blood pressure, heart, and A1C readings, the hard work of taking care of diabetes really falls on daily care as you monitor sugars, take your medications, exercise, watch your carb and calorie intake, and stay alert to the latest diabetes news.

BTW - - Although Juice Plus claims its products' efficacy is backed by research, critics have argued that there is no scientific proof that Juice Plus offers significant health benefits and that deceptive claims are used in the product's marketing information. Some marketing claims made about Juice Plus products have been disputed by consumer watchdog organizations and governmental agencies as misleading

Sloan-Kettering Cancer Clinic referred to Juice Plus as a “pricey supplement” that is “distributed through a multi-tiered marketing scheme with exaggerated value and cost."
Favorite Quotes:

"Words are timeless. You should utter them or write them with a knowledge of their timelessness." - Kahlil Gibran

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep our mind young. ~ Henry Ford

I used to wonder what it would be like to read other people's minds. Then I got a Face book account and I got over it.
It is truly a decadent society when those with the most are those complaining the most.
The following wisdom is shared by our friends.
Nancee Davis Law

God never says "oops, didn't see that coming"

God has transformed you into a new person. Live like it.

The only limitations that we face in the pursuit of our goals are the ones that we place upon ourselves.

another scorcher day but when I start to complain, I remember all those deployed uniformed military sporting all their necessary equipment in heat hotter than here.

When you hear the birds singing or animals making their natural sounds throughout the day remember the scripture, Let everything that has breath Praise the Lord. I like to think that's what they are doing.

I may have to rise but not sure about the shine part this early

You can't wait until everything becomes better before you decide to have a good attitude. be the best you can be right where you are

my job is like a box of never know what you gonna have from one day to the next. Lol

No Weapon Formed Against me Shall Prosper!

Being a mother means that your heart is no longer yours, it wanders wherever your children do
Robert Lyons

"The First Amendment (Amendment I) to the United States Constitution prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion, impeding the free exercise of religion, abridging the freedom of speech, infringing on the freedom of the press, interfering with the right to peaceably assemble or prohibiting the petitioning for a governmental redress of grievances." I would say that a sort of "politically correct mob rule" is about to toss this amendment out the door. What happened to the saying that I will defend your right to say things that I don't agree with? We as a nation are on a dangerous precipice and most don't realize the danger.
Jimmy Malone

Going to record The Mission Minute! It comes on at noon Mon-Fri FM 99.1
Norma Kay Rowe

Beth Moore will be in Bossier City August 22-23 @Century Tel!!!! I want to go!!!!
1 John 3:18-20, Psa 14:1-2, Psa 17:6, Luke 10:40-42
AskBob - - Bob Rankin - - HOWTO: Clone Your Hard Drive

To clone a hard drive means to make an exact copy of it. This is more than simply backing up data files; even hidden, protected operating system files are copied in a clone operation, and the exact position of every file on the original drive is preserved. Hard drive cloning (also called imaging) is useful for backup, disaster recovery, and other applications.
ACC SmartBrief - - The U.S. needs to support industry's growing energy advantage. Cheap shale natural gas production, compared with energy costs overseas, is a significant advantage for the U.S. chemical sector, said AC&S CEO Dean Cordle, who spoke at a House hearing last month. "We use energy inputs, mainly natural gas and natural gas liquids, as both our major fuel source and raw material, or feedstock," Cordle said. "U.S. crackers are producing ethylene for less than $400/ton compared to about $1,000/ton in Europe and even more in Asia," he added. Oil & Gas Journal (7/8) []
~~~~~ - -

Actor Zach Braff Helps Musician Propose--One of Sweetest Proposals Ever!

How could she say anything but yes?
Musician Matt Hulbert enlisted some A-list help to propose to his girlfriend Janice.
In what appears to be an office, Hulbert asks Janice to push play on a computer – and that's when she gets a big surprise.
That's when actor Zach Braff pops up on the screen on the screen and he's jamming out to Hulbert's song about how he's a regular guy and not a rock star.
I just love this video!
You can read more about this sweet proposal here.

5 Things New Veterans Expect From All Political Candidates

1. Defend the New GI Bill

2. Employ the New Greatest Generation

3. Prevent suicide among troops and veterans

4. Build a truly 21st Century VA

5. Improve Care for Female Veterans
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.

Freelancing and Independence are two different things

No species of reporter is as threatened as the independent war reporter, whom everyone wants at a dinner party, but nobody wants to pay. What will become of journalism, if misogyny and competition puts an end to good freelance war reporting?

Very Respectfully,
Michael Yon
Your Writer,

Please remember that this website accepts no advertisement and is dependent on your support.

PS Please sign up for my updates at "Michael_Yon" [] (not Michael Yon).
If you would like to encourage US Troops overseas, but are not sure just how to begin, visit for ideas.
Please remember ... America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the MALL.

For the latest issue of "Da Bleat.", go to
Our photos are posted at
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include - - Some of Annette's "Backyard" posies, Da Boys helping put up our neighbors trash cans, Ethan with "play" tattoos and a strawberry sundae, our neighbors posies, Josiah "Chillin", and ... Annette enjoying her new lawn furniture.
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
Break Point - - Lifted by Angels
Understanding the Agents of God
By: John Stonestreet

What do you know about angels? I mean real angels, not the type our popular culture likes to imagine.

Nearly seven in ten Americans believe in angels, while almost half believe they have their own guardian angel. And one in three say they have felt an angelic presence some time in their life. But before we break out the champagne and celebrate our culture’s return to a more spiritual worldview, let’s consider the fact that much of what we know—or think we know—about angels is probably wrong.

Most Americans get their information about celestial spirits from movies and TV rather than from the Bible; we learn more from Michael Landon than from Ezekiel; more from Victoria’s Secret than from Revelation.

Well, these popular descriptions of angels are nothing like the awe-inspiring reality. And if you’re interested in the real thing, I highly recommend the new book “Lifted by Angels: The Presence and Power of Our Heavenly Guides and Guardians” by my friend Joel Miller.

Miller did his research: He pored through the Bible, ancient Jewish literature, and an impressive array of writings of the early Church fathers. And Miller paints a gloriously comprehensive, and even surprising, portrait of these heavenly beings.

My first surprise was realizing just how much Scripture is filled with angelic encounters. Sure, I know the texts, but I’ve got to admit that I haven’t been on the lookout for angels through the pages of the Bible. But Miller does a great job of opening our eyes to the presence of angels in Scripture—and in daily life.

Here’s how Miller describes angels: “Scripture says they are like wind and fire, winged, and in some cases many-eyed. They are spirits. In the language of the church they are ‘the honorable bodiless powers of heaven.’” I like that!

Miller continues: “Because they lack physicality like our own, they are described as incorporeal, rational, and noetic. Gregory Nazianzen called them ‘nimble intelligences’ . . . Sometimes the ancient writers spoke of them as fiery, as did Basil [the Great,] who identified their substance as ‘an ethereal spirit . . . an immaterial fire’ … The psalmist spoke of angels as winds and flames.”

Yet Miller says believers actually have a lot in common with angels—at least the unfallen kind! Augustine thought we should consider them very much a part of our own world, even as our own neighbors.

Though we do not normally see angels, they are nearer than we think, intensely interested in what is going on here on Earth, charged by the Lord with helping Christians when we’re tempted, when we face opposition to our faith, when we share the hope of the gospel, and—perhaps most encouragingly—when we die.

Amazingly, “Lifted by Angels” makes clear that the Lord uses angels to bring our prayers before his throne (Rev 5:8 and 8:3-4) and to send us messages. Angels aid us in worship, protect us from dangers, and help us cultivate holiness in our lives. “Let us,” said John Chrysostom, “exemplify the life of angels, the virtue of angels, the conversation of angels.”

And, yes, according to Miller and many of the Church fathers, we actually do have guardian angels. But Miller also warns against an unhealthy fixation on angels, knowing that they exist not to bring attention to themselves, but to God.

Friends, we’ve recently talked about the fact that the devil is real, and that he’s an active agent of evil in God’s world. Part of being equipped as Christians is to take note of his schemes so we can pray with alertness, since he goes around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.

But shouldn’t we also take note of the fact that there are active agents of good, too, given by the Lord so that we can know and serve Him better? I think so, and that’s why “Lifted by Angels” by Joel Miller is a great summer read. Come to the online store at and we’ll tell you how to get one.

And be sure to check out my recent conversation on BreakPoint This Week with Dr. Cornelius Plantinga and Joel Miller to discuss angels, demons and the unseen world. It’s a great show.
Further Reading and Information

BP-Takeaction_71213Lifted by Angels: Understanding the Agents of God - Next Steps

Pick up a copy of Joel Miller’s Lifted By Angels. It is an informative read and will provide helpful insight and answers to questions you might have pertaining to angels.

Another great resource is John Stonestreet’s discussion on angels, demons, and the unseen world with Joel Miller and Dr. Cornelius Plantinga on BreakPoint This Week.

Lifted by Angels: The Presence and Power of Our Heavenly Guides and Guardians
Joel Miller | Thomas Nelson Publishers | October 2012

Yes, Christians, There Is a Devil
John Stonestreet | | June 4, 2013

Angels Among Us
Nancy Gibbs | Time Magazine | December 27, 1993,9171,979893-9,00.html#ixzz0gavW9pJj
Other Resources:

The Unseen World
John Stonestreet, Dr. Cornelius Plantinga, Joel Miller | BreakPoint This Week | June 7, 2013
Copyright © 2013 Colson Center. All Rights Reserved

Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:

Senator John Boozman (R_ AR)
1 Russell Courtyard
Washington DC, 20510
Phone: 202-224-4843
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
Representative Tom Cotton (R )
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314

Other states congresspersons can be found at: []

"Beware the fury of a patient man." - John Dryden

"Words are timeless. You should utter them or write them with a knowledge of their timelessness." - Kahlil Gibran

"Divide and rule, a sound motto. Unite and lead, a better one." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"If money be not thy servant, it will be thy master. The covetous man cannot so properly be said to possess wealth, as that may be said to possess him." - Francis Bacon

"One good teacher in a lifetime may sometimes change a delinquent into a solid citizen." - Philip Wylie

"Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility." - James Thurber

"It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final." - Roger Babson
Breaking Christian News

Malala's Bravery: "Taliban will not silence me"
Aimee Herd (July 12, 2013)

"This frail young girl who was seriously injured has become such a powerful symbol not just for the girls' right to education, but for the demand that we do something about it immediately." –UN Special Envoy for Global Education, Gordon Brown.

Malala UN(New York, NY)—Marking her 16th birthday, Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani teen who was shot by members of the Taliban last year and survived, addressed the United Nations on Friday.

She told a UN Youth Assembly, "They thought that the bullet would silence us, but they failed."

Malala, a student in Pakistan who had been known for speaking out for children and women's educational rights, was shot in the head by a Taliban member while she was in a vehicle on her way to school.

Amazingly, after extensive surgery in the UK, she recovered; today was Malala's first public speech since the attack.

Malala hospital Addressing the audience of young people from some 80 different countries, Malala said, "Today is for every woman, boy and girl raising their voice for human rights."

The courageous young woman presented UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon with a petition signed by 3 million people, calling for support from the UN for educational rights of children around the world.

Click [] to read the petition.

Malala is also reportedly writing a book about her life and the attempt to end it a year ago by the Taliban.
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GCF: Term Paper

One of my classmates struggled to complete a major term paper on time. He had selected a topic that required considerable background research, and he was running out of time to present the results in a polished form.

When he finally turned his paper in, past the deadline, it was diffuse and longer than the number of pages assigned.

"Why did you write such a long paper?" asked the professor.

"Because I didn't have enough time to write a short one," the student replied.
_ _______________________________ _

When the pastor of a conservative small-town congregation received the gift of a white suit from a friend, he was a bit reluctant to wear it. But since it was so attractive and a perfect fit, he decided to put it on one warm Sunday.

As he was leaving for church, he asked his wife, "What do you think of this suit?"

After giving him the once-over, she replied, "It depends. Are you going to preach or sell chicken?"
_ _______________________________ _

While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."
_ _______________________________ _

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull the car out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud day and night."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
_ _______________________________ _

Purely by coincidence, I ran into my husband in our local grocery store.

He was carrying a beautiful pink azalea, and I joked, "That better be for me."

From behind, a woman's voice: "It is now."
_ _______________________________ _

From halfway across the store, I could hear a mother calling for her son: "Jimmy, Jimmy!"

I turned a corner into another aisle and found a six-year-old by himself playing with some umbrellas. "Are you Jimmy?" I asked.

"Yes, I am."

"Didn't you hear your mother call?"


"Aren't you going to go to her?"

He shook his head. "No, she's not hysterical yet."
_ _______________________________ _

Members of the Methodist Women's Church Circle in one Wisconsin town some years ago were disturbed because a widowed church member and her three small daughters were staying away from services. Finding the reason to be a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies' group corrected the situation in a generous manner.

When the little girls still failed to appear at Sunday School, some of the ladies called to inquire about their absence.

The mother thanked them sweetly for the clothing and explained, "The girls looked so nice, I sent them to the Presbyterian Church!"
_ _______________________________ _

Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German Shepherd. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cashbox to pay. Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."
_ _______________________________ _

For their retirement vacation, my mother and father decided to drive through Alaska. Dad, who loves to fish but never had the time, was especially looking forward to breaking in all the gear my brother and I had given him, including the graphite pole that came in its own leather case.

After driving for a few days, they found a perfect spot where Mom could read in the shade and Dad could fish. After he had struggled down the bank with all his gear, Mom was surprised to see him lugging it back up a few minutes later. He had just discovered that what he had packed was his leather-encased pool cue.
_ _______________________________ _

The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor. Most necks were craned. One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up.

He then asked, "Did anyone drop a half dollar?"

"I did," answered three men at once.

"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."
_ _______________________________ _

\ / Why isn't there \ /
\ _/ mouse-flavored cat food? \_ /

\ /I didn't believe in reincarnation\ /
\ _/ the last time, either. \_ /

\ / It's not an optical illusion. \ /
\ _/ It just looks like one. \_ /

\\\\ \_/ / When you open a new bag \ \_/ ////
\ / of cotton balls, \ /
\ _/ is the top one meant \_ /
/ / to be thrown away? \ \

\ / Little Known Fact: \ /
\ _/ Mel Blanc, the voice of \_ /
/ / Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots. \ \

\\\\ \_/ / TV news people have \ \_/ ////
\ / the hardest job in the world \ /
\ _/ ...trying to cram 10 minutes \_ /
/ / of news into a two-hour show. \ \

\ _/ A good pun is its own reword. \_ /

\ / How come wrong numbers \ /
\ _/ are never busy? \_ /

\ / Hospitality: \ /
\ _/ Making your guests feel at home, \_ /
/ / even though you wish they were. \ \

\ / If knees were backwards, \ /
\ _/ what would chairs look like? \_ /

\ / If knees were backwards, \ /
\ _/ what would chairs look like? \_ /

/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | | \ \
_( (_ | | _) )_

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to:
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Two Mischievous Brothers

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous.

They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew if any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8-year-old in the morning, and the older boy was to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher then shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?"

The boy screamed, bolted from the room, ran directly home, and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Received from Dean Suhr.


The Soccer Stars

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game." They stop for a rest break and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

"We made a special ball with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it, too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those darn blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being referred to. "What about it? You got something against blind kids?"

"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the heck out of my best milk cow!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


The Return

After fifty years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were, son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."

Received from Andychap.


The Truth About Nutrition

Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


True Southerner

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a "hissie fit" and a "conniption," and that you don't "have" them, so much as you "pitch' them.

Nobody but a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up a mess.

A true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in "Going to town, be back directly."

Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

True Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'.)

True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far' piece." They know that "just down the road" can be one mile or twenty.

True Southerners both know and understand the differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

True Southerners know that "fixin" can be used both as a noun, verb, and adverb.

A true Southerner knows how to understand Southern: a booger can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive ("That ol' booger!") or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you spitless.

True Southerners make friends standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines." And when we're in line, we talk to everybody.

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, if only by marriage.

True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; that fried green tomatoes are not breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I called myself lookin'," you know you're in the presence of a genuine Southerner.

Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened; "sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 on the freeway. You say, "Bless her heart" and go your way.

Received from RevTonyAG.


A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Received from Lisa Fisch.


The Economy is So Bad

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds,
etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

Received from Janice Beasley.



After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later, he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, toothpaste, and paper items.

"Well, what do you think?" his wife asked, smiling.

"Next time," he replied, "I'm writing to General Motors!"

Received from Thorn Shunt.


Arguments to Jesus' Ethnicity

My Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.
2. He could make his own wine.
3. He wasn't afraid of water.

My Black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that
Jesus was a Californian:
1. He had a beard.
2. He walked around barefoot or in sandals all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But, my women friends have the most compelling evidence that Jesus, though NOT a woman, certainly could relate to women:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And, even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.

Pastor Ed Bowman
First Presbyterian Church of Waskom
Waskom, TX

Received from Amy Palasz.


Silk Worms

Did you hear about the two silk worms who were in a race?

They both ended up in a tie.

Received from C or R Gadway.


Redneck Lunch

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too. The redneck opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death also.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He made his own lunch!"

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.


Almost Perfect Life

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire. I have a great big house and the fastest car in the world, and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Beautiful Woman

Husband: I just saw a very beautiful woman.

Wife: Really? Then what happened?

Husband: I just kept on admiring her, on and on...

Wife (getting irritated): WHAT happened then?

Husband smiled and said: You're still here!

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle and edited beyond recognition by the GCFL editing staff.


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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Column - -

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

You could plead, if you sat on the board
Of GM or Chrysler or Ford,
That they set as their bar
A dependable car,
But you never would reach an Accord.

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
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http://www. aapcc. org/
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

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