Tuesday, December 29, 2009

GCF: Ship's Mess

Volume 11, Issue 52 Friday, December 25, 2009

Hello All,

I tripped and fell on Friday, 12/11. My right eye didn't hurt. Pretty much everything else did especially left wrist and ribs. Cut left eyebrow, left elbow and left knee. I was doing "warp" mosey and tripped over a normal door threshold, landing on the sidewalk.
Seven days after I tripped and fell my left wrist and ribs were still vvveeerrryyy tender, though each day seemed to bring some improvement. The biggest problem was lack of sleep since, due to sore ribs, I couldn’t really lie down. I still couldn’t use my left hand, but I thought my wrist was just “jammed.”
That weekend, Annette insisted that I “get it looked at”, because, though the initial “gross” swelling in my wrist had gone down, my fingers were still numb and my knuckles were very swollen. So ... on Monday, 12/21, 10 days after falling, I showed Shelly at Dr. Murphy’s. She sent me straight to the hospital for x-rays. Turns out my wrist was badly broken.
Shelly set me up with an appointment with Dr. Geti, who comes to Magnolia hospital on Tuesdays. I was still thinking, “They’ll just realign the bones and put it in a cast.”
Tuesday morning, Dr. Geti spent a little time telling me I should have had this x-rayed and treated sooner, then told me it would need surgery and he could do it Christmas Eve. He ordered a series of “pre op” tests and did a cat scan of the wrist to help guide the surgery. (These tests could all be done at Magnolia Hospital but the surgery would be done in El Dorado.)
Then he sent me to get fitted for a splint/brace. The lady fitting me asked; "didn't you notice that your thumb was sideways? Didn’t it hurt?” I explained that I don’t have a high pain threshold. I just don’t move very much or very fast so it didn’t hurt too badly.
Annette and I got up at 4:30 am on 12/24 and drove to the surgery center. When they were prepping me for surgery, the nurse noticed that I was shaking and asked if I was cold. I replied; "no. I’m terrified." she told me that she would get Annette and the next thing I remember is Annette telling me we were ready to go home.
Annette is pouring on TLC. The wrist hurts a little but feels lllloooootttttsss better since surgery and I’m enjoying the strong pain meds Dr. Geti gave me. He says I should get out of the cast in six weeks.
This update was typed with one hand. I haven’t had to use the “hunt and peck” method since the ninth grade.
My strongest memory of my Uncle Fort is him sitting by the counter at the packing house with a stenson on his head and a smile on his face. It has always amazed me that he could put up with us kids and still smile. I remember how mad Bane got when Jimmy Young and I mixed all the pigs up. They were separated by owner but we opened the gates and let them all get together... So we could take turns riding them.
As the new decade dawns, lets discuss things that irritate us. #1 on my list is CHEATING MONEY GRUBBING retailers. Specifically Wal-Mart and Verizon. I like to pay my bills electronically and both those company’s require you to “jump through hoops” to pay the bill and avoid extra fees.
Verizon sends the bill out a few weeks early, no problem, I’d just schedule the payment for the due date. EXCEPT Verizon doesn’t let you choose the due date on their web site when you click on the Ebill to pay it. Remember, they send out the bill 3 weeks before the due date, but their web site only allows you to schedule a payment a week in advance. So, you either have to pay them two weeks early or risk forgetting to schedule the payment (either way, they get to have more of your money.) I get around them by adding a reminder to my computer calendar to pay Verizon on time.
Wal-Mart uses a different method of getting more money out of you. When you try to pay your bill on line, their system defaults to the minimum payment (in our case $15) so they can charge you interest on the unpaid balance. It takes some effort each month to pay the total amount due instead of the minimum payment.
Both of these companies present to me as unethical, trying to get EXTRA money from the consumer over and above what is owed. They are in stark contrast to most other companies that make on line payments simple and convenient.
With advances in hydraulic fracturing techniques requiring more water and higher volumes of chemicals, Congress is mulling legislation that would repeal its 2005 decision to exempt the drilling technique from the Safe Drinking Water Act. That decision was based on a 2004 report from the Environmental Protection Agency that said hydraulic fracturing poses no threat to drinking water -- a report that has been criticized for being incomplete. The Politico (Washington)/ProPublica [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1209/30978.html]
I think Newt is right on. Excellent. The presentation is about 9 minutes long but worth seeing. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtjfMjjce2Y]
Tom Broom
Raymond Robertson is running for state representative in 2010. Raymond is well known in Taylor as a fine businessman, and community leader. He would do a GREAT job for us in Little Rock.
Under the Obama administration, the country's long-standing policy towards the regulation of pharmaceutical residues in drinking water has shifted dramatically as various federal agencies, including the Environmental Protection Agency and the Food and Drug Administration, issued directives to reduce the contamination. Peter Silva, the EPA's new water administrator, said, "I think we are trying to be as aggressive as we can. We understand it's a major national issue." The Fresno Bee (Calif.)/The Associated Press [http://www.fresnobee.com/national/story/1757878.html]
You’re missing a feast for the mind and spirit if you’re not reading Jimmy’s blog [http://jhmalone2.wordpress.com/]
DarynKagan.com - - Baseball Player Surprises Dad With Trip Of A Lifetime!
You think professional baseball players are just focused on the batting average and on base percentage. Sure, that's important. New York Mets outfielder had a special project in mind this past year: planning the trip of a lifetime for his dad and 6 of the other important men in his life. And he did it all as a surprise. This is more than a sports story. It's a father-son love story, as well. Read More [http://darynkagan.demo.nimbussoftware.com/sports/stories/sp_091222_francoeur.html]
America is not at war. The military is at war. - - America is at the mall, or watching the movie stars.
Each week the Defense Department highlights military personnel who have gone above and beyond in the war. [http://www.defenselink.mil/heroes/] - - Brent Clemmer - - Hometown: San Diego, CA - - Awarded: The Silver Star

U.S. Army Major Brent Clemmer, a soldier who served with the 3rd Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division (Stryker Brigade Combat Team) during its 15 months in Iraq, received the Silver Star, the third-highest military award for combat valor.

“I’m very humbled,” Clemmer said. “Most soldiers don’t think what we do is in any way special. We’re doing our jobs.”

Clemmer added that the award is a reflection of the performance of the nearly 170 soldiers in his company.

Clemmer received the award for his actions on Jan. 28, 2007 when he commanded Charger Company of 2nd Battalion, 3rd Infantry Regiment.

Clemmer was notified that a helicopter had been shot down near Najaf, south of Baghdad, and coalition forces responding were receiving significant gun and mortar fire, according to the award’s citation.

After moving his company about 60 miles, he linked up with a Special Forces team that had suffered casualties and established a perimeter between the wreckage and insurgents.

He then directed the recovery of the wreckage and the bodies of the two pilots who died in the crash.

“I’m really proud we didn’t let anything happen to those guys,” Clemmer said.

According to the award’s citation:

“During the night, Clemmer directed his unit to repel several enemy counterattacks as the fighters were based in a nearby fortified town surrounded by a deep trench. Air Force gunships and Army attack helicopters assaulted the town.

At daybreak, Clemmer again moved his company to support a sister company’s ground assault of the town. Wounded women and children emerging from the town signaled the insurgents’ surrender.”

The imminent assault transformed into a humanitarian mission, Clemmer said.

He accepted the surrender of several hundred people, insurgents and civilians. He established a landing zone for medical evaluation and the delivery of medical supplies, water and other supplies.

The actions of Clemmer and his soldiers resulted in about 250 insurgents being killed, 81 being wounded and more than 400 being captured. They recovered stockpiles of enemy ammunition, medical supplies, food and hundreds of weapons.

Clemmer was promoted to major in February 2007 and transferred to a job in brigade headquarters. He has deployed to Afghanistan and twice served in Iraq.
This website is the product of an Iraqi girl: [http://www.livesstrong.blogspot.com/]
I used to read it while in Iraq -- and Gary Sinise used to read it, too. Then "Sunshine" went offline, but Sunshine emailed this morning that she is back online. Please check it out. Very smart kid. “Days of My Life”
Michael Yon
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.
Many people know that General Petraeus is one of finest Americans ever minted. To me, General Petraeus is a strategic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. If General Petraeus didn't show up, we likely would have flown our Iraq efforts into a mountain. We now have a solid chance for success in Afghanistan.
I emailed asking for General Petraeus to say something to our folks for Christmas. General Petraeus responded with this excellent message:
As you know, our troopers are doing magnificent work in Afghanistan, Iraq, and a host of other places throughout the Central Command area and, indeed, throughout the world. Many of them will celebrate the holidays while deployed on combat and contingency operations, defending our nation's freedoms far from home and far from loved ones. They - and their families - have made enormous sacrifices in recent years, in many cases deploying multiple times and enduring long separations from those at home while carrying out important missions in challenging conditions against tough enemies.
As we all remember our many personal blessings this holiday season, we should also take a moment to remember how truly fortunate our country is to have the remarkable men and women of our armed forces who serve so courageously and so selflessly. They truly are America's new greatest generation.
To our troopers overseas and to those here at home: thank you for all that you have done to help keep America safe and to protect the values for which generations of Americans have fought in the past. We are deeply grateful for your extraordinary service in recent years and we are equally thankful for all that we know you will do in the years ahead. It remains the greatest of privileges to serve with each of you.
Best wishes to all of you for a wonderful holiday season and a great year in 2010. May God bless our great country and each and every one of you, and may God bless our troopers serving around the world and their families at home. Thank you very much!
GEN David H. Petraeus
Commander, US Central Command

Actor Gary Sinise and NBC Anchor Brian Williams emailed to me with well wishes for the troops. Both men are Great Americans.

Brian's email can be seen on the main website. [http://www.michaelyon-online.com/brian-williams-to-the-troops.htm] I was in Afghanistan about two months ago, and as usual the best part of the trip were the Americans in uniform who we met along the way. I think about all of you every day. I tell my civilian friends about you, and about what I've seen. They all know that you are the people I admire most. We toasted all of those deployed overseas at our Thanksgiving table, and we will on Christmas Day and on New Year's Eve. I appreciate your service, and we appreciate our freedom.
We owe you all a staggering debt.
For now, Happy Holidays and the blessings of the season to you all.
Brian Williams

Gary's email is published on [http://www.facebook.com/MichaelYonFanPage/posts/379818055103].
A reader asked about the crescent symbol on MRE boxes. I didn't know the meaning -- lost in a sea of other symbols -- and so I asked CSM Jeff Mellinger. CSM Mellinger knew instantly and emailed links:

Merry Christmas, America!
Your Writer,
Michael Yon

Please remember that this website accepts no advertisement and is dependent on your support.
Very Respectfully,

PS Please sign up for my Twitter.com updates at "Michael_Yon" [http://twitter.com/Michael_Yon] (not Michael Yon).

We’ve Watched:
Imagine That [2009] (6.5) Eddie Murphy
Campion: Mystery (7.6)
Dorothy L. Sayers Mysteries (8.7)
Julie & Julia [2009] (8.5) Meryl Streep ... Amy Adams ... Stanley Tucci
We’ve recently read: Shadow of the sword : a Marine's journey of war, heroism, and redemption / Jeremiah Workman [7.5]
Meg : a novel of deep terror / Steve Alten. [7.5]
Engaging the enemy : book three of Vatta's war / Elizabeth Moon [9]
Whiplash : a Dreamland thriller / Dale Brown [8.5]
Where men win glory : The odyssey of Pat Tillman / Jon Krakauer [9.1]
Open season / C.J. Box [8]
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include photos of Josiah’s birthday party.
We’ve now got several addresses on the web for "Da Bleat." For the latest issue, go to http://www.bugsbleat.blogspot.com. Last quarter’s issues can be seen at http://www.bugsbleat1q09.blogspot.com.
Our photos are posted at http://www.bugsbleatphotos.blogspot.com.
If you want to see photos of Last April’s train wreck in Magnolia, go to http://www.bugsbleattw.blogspot.com/
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
Dr. Pat Antoon’s Address:
Pat Antoon 06669-010
Federal Prison Camp
P.O. Box 9300
Texarkana, TX 75505
Be sure and keep him in your prayers.
Recipe(s) of the week - - Holiday Appetizer Wreath - - Makes 16 servings - - Dietary Exchanges
1 Fat, ½ Starch - - Prep Time: 20 minutes Cook Time: 15 minutes

Calories 89.5
Total Carbs 8.7 g
Dietary Fiber 0.7 g
Sugars 1.7 g
Total Fat 5.1 g
Saturated Fat 2.7 g
Unsaturated Fat 2.4 g
Potassium 60.5 mg
Protein 2.1 g
Sodium 206.7 mg

A fun and festive Christmas "wreath" topped with and cream cheese mixture and broccoli.

16oz refrigerated buttermilk biscuit dough (whole grain, if available)
8oz Cream Cheese , softened
1/2cup sour cream
1tsp dried dill weed
1/8tsp garlic powder
1 1/2cup fresh broccoli florets , blanched, chopped well
1cup fresh chopped celery
1/2cup chopped red bell peppers
1medium celery stalks , leaves

Take crescent dough out of package, but do not unroll. Slice each tube of dough into 8 pieces and lay in a circle on a pizza pan. Bake at 375 degrees F 15-20 minutes or until golden. Let cool 5 minutes, then place on a serving platter and let cool more.
2 Using electric beaters, combine cream cheese, sour cream, dill weed, and garlic powder until smooth.
3 Spoon evenly over dough circle. Place broccoli, celery, and red pepper overtop. Use celery leaves to make a bow.

It's Not about the Manger
Christmas and the Incarnation
By Chuck Colson

The manger scene inspires a sense of awe and comfort to the hearts of Christians everywhere. But we often forget the staggering implications of Christmas.

What image does the mention of Christmas typically conjure up? For most of us, it is a babe lying in a manger while Mary and Joseph, angels, and assorted animals look on.

Heartwarming picture, but Christmas is about far more than a Child’s birth—even the Savior’s birth. It is about the Incarnation: God Himself, Creator of heaven and earth, invading planet earth, becoming flesh and dwelling among us.

It is a staggering thought. Think of it: The Word—that is, Logos in the Greek, which meant all the knowledge that could be known—the plan of creation—that is, ultimate reality—becomes mere man? And that He was not born of an earthly king and queen, but of a virgin of a backwater village named Nazareth? Certainly God delights in confounding worldly wisdom—and human expectations.

Thirty years after His humble birth, Jesus increased the Jews’ befuddlement when He read from the prophet Isaiah in the synagogue at Nazareth: “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor...to proclaim release to the captives...to set free those who are downtrodden...” Jesus then turned the scroll back and announced, “Today, this scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing.”

In effect, the carpenter’s Son had just announced that He was the King.

So yes, the birth of Jesus is a glorious moment, and the manger scene brings comfort and joy and Christmas cheer. But it should also inspire a holy terror in us—that this baby is God incarnate, the King who came to set the captives free, through His violent, bloody death on the cross as atonement for us, His unworthy subjects.

It is through the Incarnation God sets His grand plan in motion. He invades planet earth, establishing His reign through Christ’s earthly ministry. And then Christ leaves behind an occupying force, His Church, which is to carry on the work of redemption until His return and the kingdom’s final triumph.

Do we get this? I am afraid most of us are so preoccupied, distracted by last-minute Christmas shopping and consumerism, that we fail to see God’s cosmic plan of redemption in which we, as fallen creatures, are directly involved.

The average Christian may not “get” this announcement, but those locked behind bars do. Whenever I preach in the prisons, and I read Christ’s inaugural sermon, Luke 4:18, and when I quote His promise of freedom for prisoners, they often raise their arms and cheer. The message of Jesus means freedom and victory for those who once had no hope. They are not distracted by the encumbrance of wealth and comfort.

People in the developing world get it, too. Whenever I have shared this message with the poor and oppressed people overseas, I see eyes brightening. Stripped of all material blessings, exploited by earthly powers, they long for the bold new kingdom of Christ.

Today is Christmas. Go ahead and enjoy singing about, and celebrating, the birth of the Savior. Set up a manger scene in your home. But do not forget this earth-shaking truth: The birth of the Baby in the manger was the thrilling signal that God had invaded the planet. And that gives us the real reason to celebrate Christmas.

This commentary originally aired December 25, 2007.

Copyright © 2009 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved _ _ http://www.breakpoint.org/
Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:
Senator Blanche Lambert Lincoln (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_4843
FAX 202_228_1371
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314
Other states congresspersons can be found at: [http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/]
Words of the Day:
capricious: whimsical; changeable.
iota: a very small quantity or degree.
dolorous: marked by, causing, or expressing grief or sorrow.
collude: to act in concert; to conspire.
clinquant: glittering; tinsel-like; also, tinsel.
lambent: playing on the surface; flickering.
embonpoint: plumpness of person.
from http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/
"He that leaveth nothing to chance will do few things ill, but he will do very few things." - George Savile Halifax

"Let all the learned say what they can, 'tis ready money makes the man." - William Somerville

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us." - Herman Hesse

"A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues." - Cicero

"Eyes are more accurate witnesses than ears." - Heraclitus

"Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love!" - Hamilton Wright Mabie

"Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind." - Mary Ellen Chase

How 2-Year-Old Mason—at Death's Door—Recovered from Infection and Multi-Organ Failure, Doctor Calls it "Nothing short of a miracle" Aimee Herd (Dec 21, 2009 )
Mason's 4-year-old sister, Brooke, told her worried grandma, "It's okay, John 14:14 will help you. Ask anything in His name and it shall be done."
...Read Full Story [http://www.breakingchristiannews.com/articles/display_art.html?ID=7423]

Audience Breaks Into Silent Night After School's Secular Holiday Program
Teresa Neumann (Dec 22, 2009 ) "Really, the complaint should go the other way: The program was too darned secular. To change that program for one person is almost a violation of everyone else's rights." ...Read Full Story [http://www.breakingchristiannews.com/articles/display_art.html?ID=7426]

310 2nd Ave SE
Albany, Oregon 97321
E_mail editor@breakingchristiannews.com
US Orders: 1_866_358_7426
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GCF: Ship's Mess

Emailed to me another humor list (Clean Joke of the Day) -Tom Subscribe to Clean Joke of the Day by visiting the website: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line.

"A smile, a cheerful comment, and a willingness to serve, will all reap great benefits," he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.

A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat," he asked.

The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"

The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
GCF: Jogging Shoes

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.

While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a feature and asked the clerk about it.

"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Clean Joke of the Day) -Tom Subscribe to Clean Joke of the Day by visiting the website: http://www.cleanjokeoftheday.com

GCF: Laws of the Universe

Consider these newly discovered laws of the universe...

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of any itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Variation Law: If you traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Warm Water Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

GCF: Freckles

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Nancy) -Tom

GCF: The Night Before Christmas (On the Ranch)

'Twas the night before Christmas & out on the ranch The pond was froze over & so was the branch. The snow was piled up belly-deep to a mule. The kids were all home on vacation from school, And happier young folks you never did see- Just all sprawled around a-watchin' TV.

Then suddenly, some time around 8 o'clock, There came a surprise that gave them a shock! The power went off, the TV went dead! When Grandpa came in from out in the shed With an armload of wood, the house was all dark. "Just what I expected," they heard him remark. "Them power line wires must be down from the snow. Seems sorta like times on the ranch long ago."

"I'll hunt up some candles," said Mom. "With their light, And the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right." The teenagers all seemed enveloped in gloom. Then Grandpa came back from a trip to his room,

Uncased his old fiddle & started to play That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh. Mom started to sing, & first thing they knew Both Pop & the kids were all singing it, too.

They sang Christmas carols, they sang "Holy Night," Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight. They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth, And Pop read a passage from God's Book of Truth.

They stayed up till midnight-and, would you believe, The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve. Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn; And when the kids wakened, the power was on.

"The power company sure got the line repaired quick," Said Grandpa - & no one suspected his trick. Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun, He had pulled the main switch - the old Son-of-a-Gun!

_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (A Joke A Day) -Tom Subscription info is at the website http://www.ajokeaday.com/

GCF: Dirty Hands

A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom ... his hands were very dirty.

She stopped him and said, "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"

Smiling the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it."
_ ____________________________ _
From the collection of Flem Winders. Shared with to me by a friend (Thanks, Martha) -Tom

GCF: Diet Scale

"Darn!" the man said to his friend while weighing himself at the local drug store scale.

"I started on a new diet but the scale says I'm heavier than I was before."

Turning to his friend, he said, "Here, hold my jacket."

The scale still indicated that he had not lost any weight.

"OK," he said to his friend. "Hold my Twinkies."

GCF: The Dangers of Bread

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF BAKED BREAD MAY BE HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice .....

1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of "dough" can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread, exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's Disease and osteoporosis.

7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two days.

8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1: No sale of bread to minors.

2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to young children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Please pass this message on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to: Daily-Humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

GCF: The Minister's Butler

The minister and his wife place an ad for a butler. Early the next morning a nicely dressed young man appears at their front door. The minister asks him, "Can you fix breakfast by 7:00 a.m. every day?"

"Well ... I guess I can."

"And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the grass, and polish the silver also?"

"Gee, Sir, I just came by to see about getting married. But if it's going to be that much work, you can count me out!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

GCF: Focus on Schoolwork

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son pointed out, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

GCF: High School Reunion

My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits ... and their bulging stomachs.

Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."

She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me and said, "You're the only one who HAS to."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to: Daily-Humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

GCF: Problem Child

Psychiatrist to the mother of a problem child: "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I'm going to prescribe some tranquilizers for you. I suggest you take them regularly."

On the next visit: "So, have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes, they have."

"And how is your son now?"

"Who cares?!?"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

GCF: Oil and Flowers

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

GCF: Break Up 2

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said it's because I was always correcting her.

She came over to my house and said, "Eddie, we need to talk."

I said, "My name is Eric."

She said, "See? I can't say anything right around you!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to: tickledbytony_clean-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

GCF: Under the Lights

Halfway through a romantic dinner at a cozy little restaurant, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights."

I was falling in love with him all over again, until he added, "We gotta get some of these lights for home."

_ ____________________________ _
From the collection of Flem Winders. Shared with to me by a friend (Thanks, Martha) -Tom

GCF: Dress Shop Burglary

"You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, your honor," replied the suspect.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"

"Yes, your honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."

GCF: Scavenger Hunt

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

GCF: Air Museum

At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in. When my five-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Gramma, could I have a quarter?"

GCF: Bad Language

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means."

"I do, too," Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."

GCF: Chore List

My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that.

"Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off!"

GCF: Vanishing Dinosaurs

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.

GCF: Payback!

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and he would get her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of wine. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girlfriend, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.

GCF: Oil on Fish

Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish.

One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."

From the GCF Archives

GCF: Emergency Landing

Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.

"Don`t Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I`ll land this baby!"

Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground.

Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!"

Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the breaks, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.

"Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"

"Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is."

From the GCF Archives

GCF: Fastidious Housekeeper?

My mom admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper.

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and said, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Well, darling, that's why I married a college graduate."
_ ____________________________ _
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Lecture: The art of \ \_/ ////
\ / transferring information from \ /
\ _/ the notes of the lecturer to the \_ /
/ /notes of the students without passing \ \
through the minds of either.
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / It's a shame that \ /
\ _/ stupidity isn't painful! \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / "They laughed at Joan of Arc, \ /
\ _/ but she went right ahead \_ /
/ / and built it." \ \
- Gracie Allen
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / A road map will tell us \ /
\ _/ everything we need to know... \_ /
/ / except how to fold it up again. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / \ /
\ _/ If I'm not back in 5 minutes, \_ /
/ / wait longer... \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / I joined a health club last \ \_/ ////
\ / year, spent about 400 bucks. \ /
\ _/ Haven't lost a pound. \_ /
/ / Apparently you have to show up. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If you are going to try \ /
\ _/ cross-country skiing, \_ /
/ / start with a small country. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / The trouble with doing \ \_/ ////
\ / something right the first time \ /
\ _/ is that nobody appreciates \_ /
/ / how difficult it was. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / I don't exercise at all. \ \_/ ////
\ / If God had meant me to touch \ /
\ _/ my toes, He would have put \_ /
/ / put them on my knees. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I want less work and \ /
\ _/ more money for not doing it. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Always remember to pillage \ /
\ _/ BEFORE you burn. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Character is built out of \ /
\ _/ adversity, not diminished by it. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / \ /
\ _/ The best antiques are old friends.\_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Golf is a game in which \ \_/ ////
\ / the slowest people in the world \ /
\ _/ are those in front of you, \_ /
/ / and the fastest are those behind. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I make my own water: \ /
\ _/ two glasses of H, one glass of O. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / \ /
\ _/ A closed mouth gathers no feet. \_ /
/ / \ \
_ ____________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | tellswor@kcbx.net | \ \
_( (_ | http://www.kcbx.net/~tellswor | _) )_
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_| ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Politically Correct 12 Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my significant other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens, and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas.
Happy Chanukah/Hanukkah.
Good Kwanzaa.
Blessed Yule.
Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)

Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Do You Hear What I Hear?

Said the mother to her little child, "Do you see what I see?
Yonder in the floor, little child. Do you see what I see?
A toy, a toy, lying on the floor.
Exactly where it was lying before.
Exactly where it was lying before."

Said the little child to her brother near, "Do you hear what I hear?
Someone spoke. Was it Mother dear? Do you hear what I hear?
A voice, a voice, talking now to me.
About toys that I did not see.
About toys that I did not see."

Said the tattle brother to the mighty dad, "Do you know what I know?
Little sister has been very bad. Do you know what I know?
The child, the child, has been very bold.
It is now your turn to go scold.
It is now your turn to go scold."

Said the dad to all the children there, "Listen to what I say!
I pray for peace, children in my care. Listen to what I say!
God forgives. Accept Him; He's the light.
And with prayer, you will turn out all right.
And with prayer, you will turn out all right."

written by: Marty Hawks


Top 10 Reasons Hanukkah is Better than Christmas

10. There's no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special."
9. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
8. No need to clean the chimney.
7. There's no latke-nog.
6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
5. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
4. You won't see, "You're a Schlemiel, Charlie Brown."
3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."
2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.

and the Number 1 reason why Hanukkah is better than Christmas...

1. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Remember This At Christmas Time

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa 's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag an overweight man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Received from Paula K Workman.


Four-Letter Surgery

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm OK, but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answers.

"What did he say?" asks the nurse.


Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


At Peace in the Playpen

Mary was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend Judy, "They're driving me nuts! They give me no rest! I'm half way to the funny farm!"

"What you need," said Judy, "is a playpen."

So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, Judy called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"

Received from Ed.


Medical Condition

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, Patty, my co-worker, came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, Patty double checked with the doctor.

After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Benefit Options

Employees are counseled by our benefits department in their choice of the various options regarding the benefits available to them (medical, dental, vision coverage, life insurance, etc.).

I had just spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our new employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided on $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question. "Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect the money?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


A Bun in the Oven

A four-year-old little boy was at the doctor's office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walked over to her and inquisitively asked, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he replied, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question: "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." At this point the woman was thinking the little boy was incredibly cute and looked forward to what he had to say next.

And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Paying the Bill

A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.

"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag, and proceeded to pay in cash.

Received from FranCMT2.


Get Me Out!

My husband David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock.

When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called.

A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"

"Don't worry," David replied, "maintenance should be sending somebody."

"They did," said the voice.

Received from Debby.


Defensive Driving Course

One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from his license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"

The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


London Cabbie

The tourist in London climbed into a cab and noticed by the license that his cab driver's name was Winston Churchill. Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is Winston Churchill."

The driver simply said, "Right. That's my moniker."

The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter, said, "That's a pretty famous name."

The driver responded, "As well it should be, too. I've been driving a cab here for over forty years."

Received from FranCMT2.


The Good Old Days

A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.

"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

Received from Ed.


Improper Response

I was on the phone trying to set up a furniture delivery. "If you would like to arrange a delivery date, please press one," the automated voice prompted me. "If you would like to confirm delivery, please press two."

At that moment my three-year-old daughter let out an ear-piercing shriek. "I'm sorry," the automated voice said, "that is not a valid response."

Received from Clean Laffs.


My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.

We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"

My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."

Received from FranCMT2.


Misunderstanding What He Said

When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore. She asked, "What are the age and make of the vehicle?"

Mark replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added, "It's an old fossil."

Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned. "Is there a problem?" asked Mark.

"Mr. Evans, our computers have a lot of automotive data," she explained, "but it's never heard of a Ford Fossil."

Received from Teddi's Humor.


Bible Story

James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Received from Chris Keniston.


I put some turnips, my eleven-year-old son's least-favorite vegetable, on his dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.

I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.

Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."

Received from Ed.


Not a Sensitive Response

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man, but there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him: his height, or rather, his lack of it. He was very short and apparently sensitive about the subject.

One day he stormed through the kitchen doors and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

Everyone was speechless, except for one waitress who couldn't help herself as she blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

Received from Ed.


Junk Science

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Name Confusion

Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."

"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?"

"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."

Received from FranCMT2.


New Beauty Pageant

In an attempt to draw more attention to their products during this season of low consumer confidence, executives at Wal-Mart, Exxon, GE, Ford, and others have decided to sponsor a beauty pageant.

The Miss Fortune 500 will air tonight at 7 PM.

Written by Chris Saundle.


A Parent's Obvious Pride

A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.

"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.

The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."

"Oh, I see," the psychologist said. "It's YOUR child!"

Received from Marty's Joke of the Day.


The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting their ordeal.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Welcome to
'What's My Fine?'"

Received from W. W. Mcfarland (via Reader's Digest).


Tuesday's Special

Sign in a store window:

"We would rather do business with 1,000 Al Qaeda Terrorists than one single American."

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. But we pride ourselves on being a society that holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it IS just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians have no sense of humor?)

Received from FranCMT2.


New Priest's Ideas

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell,' cannot stay on the church roof."

Received from FranCMT2.


Wedding Organist

Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband Burk were participating, with her on organ and him singing. During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me."

Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. The opening line of the hymn: "Shackled by a heavy burden..."

Received from Robert.


Pet the Babies

My great-grandson, age 5, spends a lot of time with us on our small farm. His big delight is finding the new "babies," whether they be birds or mammals. He also knows the rule, "New babies cannot be petted." He usually waits impatiently until the new babies have grown for a week or so and then he can pet them.

Recently our neighbors brought home their firstborn, a beautiful little boy. When I told my great-grandson they had a new baby, he immediately began to ask to go visit them.
The second day, very early in the morning, he began to ask to go visit again. I explained to him that it was too early to visit, and that the baby was probably still sleeping.

Hands on his hips and head cocked to one side, he informed me, "But Grandma! I don't want to pet him; I just want to look at him."

Received from Joy Mayo.


Blonde vs. the Telemarketer

A blonde was eating her dinner when there was a ring at her phone. She answered it to find a telemarketer on the line. She told him politely that she didn't want it and hung up.

She went back to dinner, and not long after, the telemarketer called again. "Take me off your list and have a nice day," she told him.

Ten minutes later, the same telemarketer called back. "Listen, stop calling me and take me off your list!" she screamed into the phone.

She returned to the phone a moment later with a note that she stuck to the phone. It read, "NO SOLICITING."

Received from Nivella.


Cherokee 180

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for a second one."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Walking to Town

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again.

After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, "About 20 minutes."

"Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Didn't know how fast you could walk."

Received from Ann F..


I Differentiate You!

A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying, "I differentiate you!"

One day he met a new patient, and true to form, he stared at him and said, "I differentiate you!" but for once, his victim's expression didn't change. Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient, and said loudly, "I differentiate you!" but still the other man had no reaction.

Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out, "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like; I'm e to the x."

(For those that haven't had calculus, if you differentiate e to the x, you get e to the x.)

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Bear Warnings

While vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers, and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.

My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Being Truthful

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - - http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/2009/09/30/buy-facebook-friend/ - - The Price Of Facebook Friendship
Are you suffering from Facebook friend envy? Do you have a few hundred spare bucks lying around? Then uSocial, an Australian marketing company, is eager to help you buy thousands of “targeted” Facebook friends and fans and Twitter followers.

Are you as creeped out about this as I am?

The Price Of Facebook Friendship (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Feeling lonesome? Don’t have enough friends?
You can try out this latest of trends:
Buy pals by the litter
At Facebook and Twitter.
Pay cash and your loneliness ends.

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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A Word In Due Season


Scripture: Proverbs 13:7 (Living Bible) "Some rich people are poor, and some poor people have great wealth."

King Solomon, who wrote this proverb, was the wisest and richest man who ever lived. People traveled from distant lands just to see his grandeur and to listen to his words of wisdom. Yet, with all the riches that he had obtained in this world, he understood the concept of true wealth. He knew that true wealth was not wrapped up in earthly possessions and riches and he declared that a person could be poor in earthly things and yet have a great storehouse of wealth. True wealth can be yours because you have family, friends, and health.

As time has passed, I have come to realize that my favorite things and most prized possessions are not my most expensive things. The things that I treasure the most are the things that revolve around people and have been touched by a special relationship in my life. If you were to visit my home, you would wonder why I have such a hodgepodge of stuff sitting around. It looks like I'm an eclectic collector of sorts because things do not match. I would like for my home to look like a model home where everything is designer perfect, but in reality, I am just a sentimentalist who has saved nearly everything that everyone has ever given to me. The results are that I often display things that are not of my own personal taste. Yet, these are my treasures because they were given to me in a spirit of love and are a reminder that someone cared enough to share their life with me.

My most treasured possessions are the hand made items from my children and grand-children. One of these items is the thirty-seven year old paper angel who lost one of her wings many years ago. It is placed on the top of the Christmas tree each year. Every year when I put the angel on the tree, I remember how proud my four-year-old son was when he presented it to me. Our tree is full of similar decorations and my closets are filled with boxes of other mementos that my children have made throughout the years. Of course another favorite thing is the family photos, which are a reminder of days past. These are the items that fill my life with joy and could never be replaced by any amount of money. I would be devastated if these precious items were destroyed. Also, I could not forget to mention my tear-stained Bible with the underlined and highlighted verses and side notes with dates scribbled in the margins. These markings all speak of the intimate moments when the Lord spoke something special into my life; a promise, a word of encouragement, and yes, sometimes a correction or a rebuke.

As we travel life's journey, let us look at the stuff that is most dear to our heart and remember what King Solomon said, "Some poor people have great wealth." Regardless of your financial state in life, look at your storehouse of blessings and remember that wealth is not defined by expensive earthly possessions. True wealth is not having all that you want. It is being able to enjoy all that you have. +++

We invite you to visit us online at www.widsonline.com Contact by email : mpadgettministries@msn.com

Copyright © 2009 Mary Padgett Ministries. All Rights Reserved

Well said...we should all be a bit more aware of what is important in life...

Perfect example, Mamaw Mackey! She didn't have a lot when it came to money/worldly/material possessions. Yet she always gave more than what was expected or required. To my knowledge, she never wanted or needed anything. She was ALWAYS taken care of & loved. She was the definition of happy. My Mamaw lived the way a Christian is supposed to live...acted the way a Christian is supposed to act...and for that God provided her the life he promises us all.
Kinda funny how that works huh? We just have to do our part.

Scott Rowe
Depuy Orthopedics
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Defend our right to practice Christianity!
Our religious freedom is under attack. Each day we hear about another attempt to stop us from exercising our right to practice our religion. The latest assault is a ruling by the Third District Court that prohibits schoolchildren from singing "Silent Night" or any other religious song during the annual Christmas Concert (now called Holiday Concert).
The school district in South Orange, New Jersey had banned any religious music and the Court has upheld that ban.
Most school districts across the country will not allow a minister, priest or Rabbi to offer a Benediction or other prayer at graduations. More and more the courts are saying the freedom to exhibit religious beliefs in public is limited. Although a simple reading of the Constitution says otherwise.
Today, political leaders just pay lip service to the teachings of the Bible and ignore the advice and guidance of church leaders.
Even worse, they appoint judges who bar religion from public places. These same judges then issue rulings that allow displays showing the crucifix in a jar of urine and Mary, the mother of Jesus, covered in cow dung- and call it art!
AMAC, the Association of Mature Americans, has issued a statement condemning the latest ruling and is organizing an action committee to raise public awareness of the issue.
AMAC (pronounced A-Mack) is the conservative organization for citizens aged 50+. Unlike AARP and other secular groups, AMAC supports the traditional values of Faith, Family and Freedom.
Dan Weber, President of AMAC has said, "During this time, when our nation is facing economic turmoil and terrorist threats, we should not be ignoring God, instead we should be reaching out to Him".
AMAC would like to be your advocate in this cause, but we need your help. Please get involved by becoming a member. Membership is $12.50/yr per family. [Visit www.amac.us]
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TOURBUS _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _:) _ :)_ :)
Vol 15, Number 57
03 Dec 2009
80,000 Riders in Over 100 Countries

eSATA Hard Drives / Cheap HDTVs / Malicious Software Removal / Geekly Update / DVD Burning / Download Accelerators / Copying DVDs In today's TOURBUS, you'll learn about eSATA Hard Drives, why they're good for backups, and where to find HDTVs Under $500. I've also got the scoop on Microsoft's Malicious Software Removal Tool and a Geekly Update that is guaranteed to win friends and influence people.
You'll also find my advice on Free DVD Burning Software, how to use Download Accelerators to speed up your surfing, and tips on Copying a DVD to Your Hard Drive. Read on!

eSATA External Hard Drives
If you're thinking about buying an external hard drive for backups, but you're confused by all the terminology when it comes to connecting the drive, you're not alone. USB... Firewire... or eSATA? If you're not jargon-savvy, connecting your external drive boils down to guesswork.
Learn about the pros and cons of eSATA external drives for file storage and backup...
ESATA EXTERNAL HARD DRIVES [http://askbobrankin.com/esata_external_hard_drives.html]

HDTVs Under $500
HDTVs are fast becoming the rule when it comes to home entertainment, and interest is high during the holiday buying season. And while the number of different models to choose from has increased, prices on high definition televisions are dropping.
I've got some quick reviews of four great HDTVs that are priced under $500, and some HDTV buying tips as well...
HDTVS UNDER $500 [http://askbobrankin.com/hdtvs_under_500.html]

Malicious Software Removal Tool
If you already have a firewall, anti-virus, and anti-spyware protection, do you really need the Malicious Software Removal Tool (MSRT) that Microsoft always recommending when you do your Windows Update?
Find out why the MSRT was created, what it does, and whether or not it's needed to protect your computer from malware...
MALICIOUS SOFTWARE REMOVAL [http://askbobrankin.com/malicious_software_removal_tool.html]

Geekly Update
Oxford's word of the year for 2009 is "unfriend" -- but I would have voted for one of the runners-up. Should you send a Death Ray to your erstwhile Blackberry? Why is AOL's CEO saying no to his $1.5 million bonus? And what in the world is a teraflop?
Get answers to these burning questions and more, in the most recent installment of the Geekly Update...
GEEKLY UPDATE [http://askbobrankin.com/geekly_update_november_30.html]

Free DVD Burning Software
Remember CDROMs? Soon they'll join floppy discs in the pages of technology history, filed under "obsolete." The new removable medium for long-term storage of data is the DVD disc, which can hold at least 8 times as much data as a CD.
Get the scoop on free DVD burning software for Windows, Mac and Linux systems. I'll even tell you why they call it "burning"...
FREE DVD BURNING SOFTWARE [http://askbobrankin.com/free_dvd_burning_software.html]

Free Download Accelerators
In the dialup days, people downloaded documents and software packages measured in kilobytes. Then came programs and music files in the multi-megabyte range. Now we have full-length high-definition movies measured in gigabytes. These can take hours to download, even over a high-speed connection.
Aside from upgrading your Internet connection, what can you do to accelerate downloads? Here's the answer...
FREE DOWNLOAD ACCELERATORS [http://askbobrankin.com/download_accelerator.html]

Copy DVD to Hard Drive
Have you run out of slots in your DVD storage tower? Do you find DVDs in the wrong cases, or find a case you've been seeking only to learn it's empty? Many movie buffs have such problems. You can solve this by copying all your DVD movies to a digital library on a hard drive.
Learn about free software to copy DVDs, even those with "Digital Rights Management" copy protection...
COPY DVD TO HARD DRIVE [http://askbobrankin.com/copy_dvd_to_hard_drive.html]

That's all for now, see you next time!
-- Bob Rankin

===[ Tourbus Rider Information ]====
The Internet Tourbus _ U.S. Library of Congress ISSN #1094_2238 Copyright 1995_2009, Rankin & Crispen _ All rights reserved Be Smarter & Better Looking Than [_99.959040_] Percent of Users Hop On the Bus and Join 80,000 Others Around the World!
Best of Everything _ http://www.InternetTourbus.com/best.html Subscribe, Signoff, Archives, Free Stuff and More at the Tourbus Home _ http://www.InternetTourbus.com
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(\__/) .' ) )) Patrick Douglas Crispen
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The Pump Handle. A water cooler for the public health crowd.

Healthcare Legislation Worth Passing
December 21, 2009 in Healthcare | by Liz Borkowski

In a historic achievement, 60 Senators have agreed to a healthcare bill that will dramatically expand health insurance coverage and curb some of the insurance industry’s worst practices. Getting agreement between the Senate and the House, which has passed its own healthcare bill, will still be an arduous process, but the chambers agree on most essential elements, and this is the farthest Congress has come in decades towards fixing our healthcare system’s serious problems. (If you want to compare the House and Senate bills, the Kaiser Family Foundation has a handy comparison tool.)

Here’s a quick summary of what the Senate bill does and why it’s worth passing:

Read the rest of this entry [http://thepumphandle.wordpress.com/2009/12/21/healthcare-legislation-worth-passing/#more-7734]

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Weekly Toll _ _ http://weeklytoll.blogspot.com/
Death In The Workplace w/News & Updates
John Donne _ ...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Charley Richardson
To the COSH Network and Protecting Workers’ Alliance:

As you may know Charley Richardson’s battle with cancer has intensified. His family and friends have established a great way to thank and remember Charley. Please read about Military Families Speak Out and how to contribute to the legacy fund in Charley’s name www.mfsotribute.org. If you make a donation – please give on behalf of “COSH” so he will know this is from his vast network of labor health and safety activist allies.

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NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed since November 01. These records can be found at http://www.defenselink.mil/releases/

01. Pfc. Serge Kropov, 21, of Hawley, Pa., died Dec. 20 as a result of a non-hostile incident in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to Marine Aircraft Group 16, 3rd Marine Aircraft Wing, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Marine Corps Air Station Miramar, Calif.

02. Sgt. Albert D. Ware, 27, of Chicago, Ill., died Dec. 18 in Arghandab River Valley, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked his vehicle with an improvised explosive device. He was assigned to the 782nd Combat Support Battalion, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C.

03. Lance Cpl. Omar G. Roebuck, 23, of Moreno Valley, Calif., died Dec. 22, as a result of a non-hostile incident in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to 2nd Combat Engineer Battalion, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

04. Staff Sgt. David H. Gutierrez, 35, of San Francisco, Ca., died Dec. 25 at Kandahar Air Field, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked his dismounted patrol with an improvised explosive device in Howz-e Madad. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 1st Infantry Regiment, 5th Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division, Fort Lewis, Wash.
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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Scheduled Activities
Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there.
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance _ 234_7371 (24 Hour)
Jail _ 234_5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control _ 800_222_1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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Interested in getting in touch with the Banner_News through e_mail?
E_mail addresses for communicating with the newspaper’s various departments are: news@bannernews.net For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events.
advertising@bannernews. net For retail and classified advertising.
circulation@bannernews. net To start, stop or cancel newspaper delivery or for comments about delivery.
outfitters @bannernews.net For Office Outfitters, the office supply division of the Banner_News.
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
Luke 2:8-16 Luke 2:12-14 Luke 7:31- 35 Luke 22:45-46 Mark 14:10-11 Deu 11:18-20 Acts 27:23-26 Acts 28:3-5 Deu 11:5-7 Mark 8:1-3 Acts 26:24-25 Rom 1:20-22 Deu 9:15-17 Mark 5:33-34 Mat 19:16,21-22 Mat 14:15-18 Rom 11:33-36 Mark 9:20-24 Acts 26:6 Deu 9:4-5 Micah 7:5-7 Eph 6:18-20 http://www.e_min.org/
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

P. S. If you'd like to be added to the distribution, just drop us E_mail at kc5hii@suddenlink.net
. We offer "Da Bleat" as text, a "Blog" and as a newsletter with pictures in Word and PDF format. The latest issue is usually updated sometime Saturday. For the "Blog" version just go to one of the several addresses on the web. For the latest issue, go to http://www.bugsbleat.blogspot.com. Older issues can be found at http://www.bugsbleat_q__.blogspot.com, where _ is the quarter (1, 2, 3, or 4) and __ is the year (05, 06, 07, 08 or 09). We also have a site [http://bugsbleatphotos.blogspot.com/] where we post photos that I like.
Let us hear from you if we can switch you over to the "Word" or "PDF" version of "Da Bleat".
If you'd prefer to read "Da Blog" version, just drop us a note at kc5hii@suddenlink.net and we'll switch you from e:mail delivery to "Da Bleat" Blog. We appreciate your encouragement. We also appreciate your communication when you desire to be taken off our mail list. If you are on this mail list by mistake or do not wish to receive "Da Bleat," please reply back and tell us to discontinue service to you. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2009 before it was sent.
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  1. After last post on marketing without search engines, I decided to follow up with a strategy you can use to get quality free traffic. One of the easiest ways to get visitors to your web site is to spend money. Nothing is more effortless then paying for traffic. But if you can’t afford it or don’t want to pay, there’s an equally simple but free way to get traffic: ad swaps.


  2. After last post on marketing without search engines, I decided to follow up with a strategy you can use to get quality free traffic. One of the easiest ways to get visitors to your web site is to spend money. Nothing is more effortless then paying for traffic. But if you can’t afford it or don’t want to pay, there’s an equally simple but free way to get traffic: ad swaps.