Saturday, April 21, 2012

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Tennis Camp

Volume 14, Issue 16 Sunday, April 22, 2012

Hello All,

It’s been a long time since I was able to publish a “Bleat”. I’d have never guessed that being retired would be so busy. Besides our expected retirement activities, we’ve had quite a few medical issues that we didn’t expect. In the last 12 months, Annette has had 8 surgeries and we’ve both experienced some heart issues.

Fortunately, diabetes has been one disease that we’ve maintained in tight control (though we both did go through a period of problems with Hypoglycemia.) In fact, Dr. Rushing has cut Annette’s “sugar” meds by a third.

And, due to the surgery to correct ruptured disks in Annette’s neck, she no longer needs any blood pressure meds. After years of chronic neck and back pain, she can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Family wise things are going well.
David, Bobbie, Dustin and Zac are doing well. David has added Jeep mechanic to his work and off the job skills. Bobbie has a reputation as a “go to” teacher for difficult situations. Zac got into horse riding to go with his academic activities and Dustin has added a football championship ring to his “bling.”
Jimmy, Vanessa, Josiah and Ethan are progressing with the Mission Church plant in Magnolia. Jimmy is also managing the Magnolia Airport and Vanessa is working in the high school cafeteria. Josiah is learning to box and Ethan constantly demonstrates his command of the Taylor / McClellan brand of extremely dry humor (an example Jimmy was watching “The Princess Bride” with the boys and Ethan didn’t like it. Jimmy commented; “Boys, the older I get the more I like this movie.” Ethan replied; “Well, it’s obvious that I’m way too young to watch it.”)

Now … on to Earth Day.
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day -_- James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
In '72, EPA battled pollution; now it's politics - []


WASHINGTON (AP) - A polluted drainage ditch that once flowed with industrial waste from Lake Charles, La., petrochemical plants teems with overgrown, wild plants today.

A light-rail line zips past the spot where a now-defunct Portland, Ore., gasoline station advertised in 1972 that it had run out of gas.

A smoking Jersey City, N.J., dump piled with twisted, rusty metal has disappeared, along with the twin towers of the World Trade Center in lower Manhattan that were its backdrop.

Forty years after the Environmental Protection Agency sent an army of nearly 100 photographers across the country to capture images at the dawn of environmental regulation, The Associated Press went back for Earth Day this year to see how things have changed. It is something the agency never got to do because the Documerica program, as it was called, died in 1978, the victim of budget cuts.

AP photographers returned to more than a dozen of those locations in recent weeks, from Portland to Cleveland and Corpus Christi, Texas. Of the 20,000 photos in the archive, the AP selected those that focused on environmental issues, rather than the more general shots of everyday life in the 1970s.

Gone are the many obvious signs of pollution - clouds of smoke billowing from industrial chimneys, raw sewage flowing into rivers, garbage strewn over beaches and roadsides - that heightened environmental awareness in the 1970s, and led to the first Earth Day and the EPA's creation in 1970. Such environmental consciousness caused Congress to pass almost unanimously some of the country's bedrock environmental laws in the years that followed.
I’m not a Libertarian. But ... I do agree with them that many laws and regulations are counterproductive (see “War On Poverty”.) However, when we sponsored the first Earth Day activities at Southern State College, there was a glaring need for regulatory guidance in the US.

Here in South Arkansas, SO2 emissions were practically unregulated. You could see the ruined land from careless salt water discharges and garbage was dumped along county roads.

The clean water and clean air acts did much to help turn those situations around. But like most government programs, the bureaucrats felt that they had to continue to write regulations to justify their jobs. Now the EPA has created a nightmare of regulations that siphon capital and manpower into activities that don’t really protect the environment. But they do hinder production and job creation.

They also drive jobs out of the US since folks in other countries don’t have to comply with our regulations. So a “widget” made in the US often cost 2 or 3 times what one made in an unregulated country costs. That wasn’t a problem when we had tariffs on incoming products. But under “free trade” the laws and regulations here just enable other countries to take our business.

As for the success of current environmental regulation, one of the first Environmental Science graduates in the US, Chuck Van Meter, said it best; “You can either comply with environmental regulations or protect the environment, you can’t do both.”
RIP Prison Fellowship's Chuck Colson

According to the Christian Post, Jim Liske, CEO of Prison Fellowship Ministries, Chuck Colson suffered a brain hemorrhage in late March, while at a conference in the Washington DC area. He was taken to the hospital and underwent surgery to remove a clot on the surface of his brain.

Following the surgery Colson was said to have been resting comfortably, but was listed in "critical condition." He is 80-years-old.

"We are so thankful for the prayers of many friends from around the world," said Colson's wife, Patty.

Colson succumbed to his illness on Saturday, April 21.
Too many managers, NOT enough Leaders. Managers try to do things RIGHT. LEADERS do the RIGHT THINGS!
Ethan: Mom, I don't like school.
Vanessa: I thought you loved school?
Ethan: Well, I like Shakyria.
Vanessa: Don't you like Ms Smith, too?
Ethan: yes, I like Ms Smith, but it's complicated. It's just that they make me work ALL day.
Stories from days gone by at Dow Chemical. One night, we got a call from a guy in town. Seems one of our coworkers had a date and decided to show her the beauty of one of our pipeline roads down through the swamps. He'd got his truck stuck (at 1 am) and used his CB to call a friend who called the plant. We had a motor pool at work so we jumped in one of the trucks and headed down the pipeline to pull him out. We got stuck so we called the plant on the radio to have them send out the winch truck. It got stuck. This was serious, we couldn't let management know we'd been using company vehicles to get out private vehicles. So we proceeded to get more equipment. ... The next morning, management was surprised to find all the company vehicles lined up in the mud along the Right Of Way. And absolutely no one knew how it had happened????????
The American Chemistry Council on Thursday praised Dow Chemical's plan to build an ethane cracker in Texas. "Dow's announcement is further evidence that the chemistry industry is a growth engine helping to revitalize America's manufacturing sector," said ACC President and CEO Cal Dooley. "Thanks to abundant, affordable natural gas, the nation's chemical companies have entered an era of renewed global competitiveness, which can help generate new domestic investment, jobs and manufacturing exports."
AskBob - Microsoft Office Alternatives April 20, 2012

Microsoft Office is the gold standard for business productivity suites. But it can cost a lot of gold, even at today's low street prices. The Office Home and Business edition costs $200, and the Professional edition goes for $350. Fortunately, there are plenty of good alternatives to Office; many are free, and even those that do cost money cost less than Office. Here are some of the best alternative office suites...
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.

At some point we must recognize that a few service members hand out bad news gift certificates [] to the media.

Please sign up on my Face book [] for daily updates.

Very Respectfully,
Michael Yon
Your Writer,

Please remember that this website accepts no advertisement and is dependent on your support.

PS Please sign up for my updates at "Michael_Yon" [] (not Michael Yon).
If you would like to encourage US Troops overseas, but are not sure just how to begin, visit for ideas.
Music Brings Joy In Congo - - - - Today's stories remind me that joy and what's possible can pop up in the most unsuspecting places. []
Hands down, one of the best stories I've ever seen on 60 Minutes. Want to smile? Watch this.
On this day, 04/19/1874, the athletic "cup" made its debut in the professional hockey league as standard safety equipment.
On this day, 04/19/1974, the safety helmet became standard equipment in the professional hockey league.
Apparently, it took the men 100 years to decide their brain was also important.

Thanks to Daphne for this insight.
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include - - Dorcheat Bayou, Fire Training at TEEX, our new home.
We’ve now got several addresses on the web for "Da Bleat." For the latest issue, go to
Our photos are posted at
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
BreakPoint - - Chuck Colson Passes Away April 21 - - []

Thank You, Chuck
The Next Chapter
By: John Stonestreet|Published: April 20, 2012 8:03 AM
Topics: Apologetics, Chuck Colson, Transformed Lives

Loss is difficult and even disorienting, but we can be certain of a few things. I’m John Stonestreet. Stay tuned to BreakPoint.

Even as I record this, our friend and leader Chuck Colson is near death. After early hopeful news about his recovery from surgery, we now face the reality that short of a miracle, Chuck will soon enter the presence of the Lord. Please pray for Chuck and his family.

Quantifying his impact would be impossible, but you know I meet those who have been impacted by him all the time – they read his books, or they listen to BreakPoint, or maybe their children were loved by Angel Tree volunteers while they were incarcerated, or they found Jesus Christ after hearing his story of redemption.

My friend Greg launched an internationally recognized public policy think tank in New Zealand after reading the book How Now Shall We Live? that Chuck wrote with Nancy Pearcey.

And it’s fitting that this weekend’s “BreakPoint this Week” broadcast features Gabe Lyons, an innovative Christian thinker and collaborator. Like Greg, Gabe points How Now Shall We Live? as the book that changed his understanding of Christianity and led to the work of cultural restoration that he’s leading today. I’ll be talking with Gabe this weekend on “BreakPoint This Week.” I hope you can tune in or catch it at our website,

I’ve been impacted by Chuck, too. For years I heard him on this daily broadcast BreakPoint, but I’ve gotten to know Chuck personally, and worked with him on projects like the Doing the Right Thing tour, the Manhattan Declaration, and I’ve co-hosted with him on “BreakPoint this Week.”

I first met Chuck just before speaking on worldview to a class of Centurions. Chuck launched the Centurions Program to train adults around the country in Biblical worldview, and I was honored just to have the invitation to be a part of the teaching faculty. I’ll be honest: I didn’t expect Chuck to stay in the room when I spoke! My knees were knocking so loudly, I was just hoping people could still hear my words.

These last two weeks, I’ve been honored to host BreakPoint along with Eric Metaxas, another person whose life was impacted by Chuck.

You know, Chuck spoke often recently about the next generation and what he hoped to see from those of us who follow his lead. In an age when so many young Christians find their passion in causes of social justice and are skeptical of Truth, it’s worth mentioning that Chuck was doing social justice before it was cool. He went from prisoner, to prison minister, to prison reformer.

And yet Chuck taught us that social justice, and any cultural work, must be undergirded by Truth, Truth with a capital T – something he learned from the late Francis Schaeffer. For Chuck, Biblical worldview is more than theoretical posturing, it’s embracing and living out Truth with courage. And that Truth sets us free.

Chuck knew that personally.

Of course, what set Chuck’s life apart was that it was not his own. It had been bought, by Christ, and returned to Chuck, redeemed.

You know once in a sermon, Dietrich Bonheoffer said, “Death is hell and night and cold, if it is not transformed by our faith. But that is just what is so marvelous, that we can transform death.”

What transformed Chuck’s life is now what transforms his death. I’m reminded of what C. S. Lewis wrote to close the Narnia adventures. I think it applies here: “now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."

For BreakPoint and my friend Chuck Colson, this is John Stonestreet.

Further Reading and Information

How Now Shall I Live? - - Chuck Colson & Nancy Pearcey | Tyndale | 1999

BreakPoint This Week: Gabe Lyons - - John Stonestreet | | April 21, 2012 []

Doing the Right Thing []
Centurions Program [] []

Copyright © 2012 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved
If you haven’t discovered Chuck’s books, I strongly encourage you to pick up any of his works and see what a difference it makes in your understanding of God’s plan here. My favorite is “The Body.”

(This is not a complete list. Colson had a long list of publications and collaborations, including over 30 books which have sold more than 5 million copies. He also wrote forewords for several other books.)

1976 Born Again
Chosen Books ISBN 978-0-8007-9459-0
1979 Life Sentence
Chosen Books ISBN 0-8007-8668-8
1983 Loving God
HarperPaperbacks ISBN 0-310-47030-7
1987 Kingdoms in Conflict (with Ellen Santilli Vaughn)
William Morrow & Co ISBN 0-688-07349-2
1989 Against the Night: Living in the New Dark Ages (with Ellen Santilli Vaughn)
Servant Publications ISBN 0-89283-309-2
1991 Why America Doesn't Work (with Jack Eckerd)
Word Publishing ISBN 0-8499-0873-6
1993 The Body: Being Light in Darkness (with Ellen Santilli Vaughn)
Word Books ISBN 0-85009-603-0
1993 A Dance with Deception: Revealing the truth behind the headlines
Word Publishing ISBN 0-8499-1057-9
1995 Evangelicals and Catholics Together: Toward a Common Mission
(co-edited with Richard John Neuhaus)
Thomas Nelson ISBN 0-8499-3860-0
1996 Being The Body (with Ellen Santilli Vaughn)
Thomas Nelson ISBN 0-8499-1752-2
1998 Burden of Truth: Defending the Truth in an Age of Unbelief
Tyndale House ISBN 0-8423-3475-0
1999 How Now Shall We Live (with Nancy Pearcey and Harold Fickett)
Tyndale House ISBN 0-8423-1808-9
2001 Justice That Restores
Tyndale House ISBN 0-8423-5245-7
2004 The Design Revolution: Answering the Toughest Questions About Intelligent Design
(with William A. Dembski)
Inter Varsity Press ISBN 0-8308-2375-1
2005 The Good Life (with Harold Fickett)
Tyndale House ISBN 0-8423-7749-2
2008 The Faith (with Harold Fickett)
Zondervan ISBN 0-310-27603-9
2011 The Sky Is Not Falling: Living Fearlessly in These Turbulent Times
Worthy Publishing ISBN 978-1936034-543

Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:

Senator John Boozman (R_ AR)
1 Russell Courtyard
Washington DC, 20510
Phone: 202-224-4843
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314

Other states congresspersons can be found at: []
10 Things Your Dentist Can See - - By Charles W. Martin, DDS, Founder, - -

There are many diseases that your dentist may spot the early symptoms of while you're in the
chair – long before you notice any other symptoms. Here is a list of 10 diseases that may be
spotted during a routine dental exam. The original list was compiled by the American Dental
Association and Dr. Joseph Kravitz of the Center for Dental Health in Washington, D.C.

Oral Cancer – Typically this shows up as a white spot on the gums or anywhere in the mouth. It
can be a tiny growth or sore that just doesn’t go away.

Heart Disease – Inflamed gums, cavities and missing teeth are clues to heart ailments.
Sometimes it's linked to an infection around the third molar or related to root remnants of decayed teeth.

Type 2 Diabetes – Bad breath, bleeding gums, dry mouth and receding gums have all been linked to diabetes.

Kidney Disease – If you have a metallic or otherwise nasty taste in your mouth that could
indicate kidney problems.

Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disease (GERD) – This is not heartburn. GERD is when acid
backflows from the stomach into the throat, or esophagus.

Osteoporosis – If your jaw doesn't look as dense at it should, this could be a first indication of
osteoporosis (bone loss). Rapidly progressing gum disease or tooth loss are symptoms too.

Leukemia – Swollen gums, bleeding gums, bad breath and impacted teeth are all symptoms of
this cancer of the blood cells.

Stress – You know the symptoms – a sore or stiff neck, aching jaw or teeth and headaches.
Sometimes poorly aligned bites or missing teeth can be a problem as can nightly tooth grinding
and clenching.

Sleep Apnea – You may actually stop breathing for a few moments and wake gasping for air.

Bulimia – An eating disorder characterized by binge eating followed by purging. Repeated
exposure to acid from your stomach can eat away at your tooth enamel.

Good health care starts with your active involvement and leadership. If you haven't seen your
physician within the last six months, there's no better time to schedule an appointment. If it's been a while since your last dental check up you may want to call and schedule a special consultation.
Your good health may depend upon it.
For more information about dental care for people who have diabetes, visit and Dr. Martin's blog, To learn more about the two-way connection between diabetes and gum disease, check out Dr. Martin’s other columns on dLife or Dr. Martin's book, Don't Sugar Coat It.

NOTE: The information is not intended to be a replacement or substitute for consultation with a
qualified medical professional or for professional medical advice related to diabetes or another
medical condition. Please contact your physician or medical professional with any questions and
concerns about your medical condition.
Americans to Unite on May 3 for National Day of Prayer
Press Release (Apr 17, 2012)

"One Nation Under God" is the theme for the 61st annual event.
Read Full Story []
Prayer Alert: Update on Chuck Colson
Aimee Herd/PF Staff (Apr 18, 2012)
"As Chuck would say, 'Remain at your posts and do your duty—for the glory of God and His Kingdom.'"

Read Full Story []

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GCF: Tennis Camp

Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to:

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to:

At the start of a tennis camp for youngsters, the instructor asked, "Can anyone tell me what a good sport is?"

A 5-year-old raised his hand and said, "Baseball."
_ ___________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to:

GCF: Diamond Necklace

A wife calls her husband on his cell phone and asks, "Where in God's green earth are you?!?"

"Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"

"Oh, yes!! I remember that, my love!!"

"I'm in the bar right next to that shop ..."
_ ___________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (ArcaMax Jokes) -Tom To subscribe ArcaMax Jokes, visit the website:

GCF: What's Your Secret?

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."
_ ___________________________ _
Found on the web at Daily Clean Jokes

GCF: Retirement Quiz

Ready to retire?

Take this quiz to find out.

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
_ ___________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Clean Laffs) -Tom Subscribe to Clean Laffs at the website: Subscribe

GCF: Gym Application

My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application. For the question "To what do you attribute your fitness issues?" the woman wrote, "Horrendous eating habits."

"What makes you answer that?" my friend asked.

The woman replied, "I can't spell atrocious."
_ ___________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to:

GCF: At the Bar

Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend, I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us. I said, "That's us in ten years."

He said, "That's a mirror, you idiot!"
_ ___________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Doc's Daily Chuckle) -Tom Subscribe to Doc's Daily Chuckle at the website: Subscribe

GCF: Piano Tuner

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.

"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."

The lady exclaimed, "Why? I didn't send for a piano tuner."

The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."
_ ___________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Andrew) - Tom

GCF: Caddy Advice

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under estimate his game.

So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one long putt..."
_ ___________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Clean Laffs) -Tom Subscribe to Clean Laffs at the website: Subscribe

GCF: At the Amusement Park

My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. "Excuse me," said the woman, pointing to a pond. "What is that water made out of?"

Bemused, my friend replied, "Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen."

"See?" she said to her boyfriend. "I told you it wasn't real."
_ ___________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (ArcaMax Jokes) -Tom To subscribe ArcaMax Jokes, visit the website:

GCF: Helmsman Training

A young man, who wants to see the world, signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
_ ___________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Doc's Daily Chuckle) -Tom
Subscribe to Doc's Daily Chuckle at the website: Subscribe

GCF: Picking Up

Carl listened from the other room as his wife Holly patiently said to their five-year-old, "Please pick up your toys, Maureen."

After a few minutes, Holly again reminded their daughter.

Finally Holly asked, "Why aren't you picking your things up?"

Carl rolled his eyes when he heard Maureen answer, "I'm playing house and I'm the dad, so I don't know where anything goes."
_ ___________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Doc's Daily Chuckle) -Tom Subscribe to Doc's Daily Chuckle at the website: Subscribe

GCF: Staff Meeting

The boss always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained.

"I will tell you why… I've learned that's the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me."
_ ___________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Doc's Daily Chuckle) -Tom Subscribe to Doc's Daily Chuckle at the website: Subscribe

GCF: Good Work

My wife is a teacher; it's really weird to live with a teacher. I'd be on the phone, doodling on a piece of paper, leave the house, come back in two hours and that same piece of paper is now on the refrigerator with the words "Good work!" and a big smiley face on it.
_ ___________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Clean Laffs) -Tom Subscribe to Clean Laffs at the website: Subscribe

GCF: Fast Bugs

Heading down the interstate, our car passed through a huge swarm of gnats so dense that their bodies made popping noises as they hit the windshield. "I can't get over how loud they are," my wife said.

"Well, we are hitting them at 65 miles an hour," I pointed out.

Her reply left me speechless. "There's no way bugs can fly that fast!"
_ ___________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Camile) - Tom

GCF: Getting a Passport

Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please." The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?"

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, "Well, I guess so, but ... will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?"
_ ___________________________ _
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Words to live by.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE.. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye..

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE.... Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast. Oscar Wilde

(/. .\) (/. .\) (/. .\)

(_*_) (_*_) (_*_)

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From a Child's Mouth...

Several years ago, when I lived in New York and flew to customer sites often, my wife would usually drop me off at Newark (N.J.) airport and pick me up when I returned. On one trip, I was only going to be gone for a few days, so I drove myself and parked the car at Newark.

When I returned, the weather was lousy, and it was late at night. I wanted nothing more than to get home to the comfort of my wife and my own bed. When I arrived, the storm was very loud, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children, Alex (3) and Cindy (12), in bed with my wife, Carolyn, apparently scared by the loud storm.

I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, Alex saw me and came running, shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "Hi, Alex! And what is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his mom was.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Wal-Mart Shoppers

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband snorts: "'So does a case of 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's only half the price."

On the PA system: "'Cleanup on aisle 25. We have a husband down."

Received from Rick Widdison.


Shampoo Alert!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. SHOCK---The shampoo that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume & body." Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Now I understand why I am so "full-figured."

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

(via my friend, Pam T.)

Received from Paula.


Jealous Eve

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. "You're running around with another woman... admit it!" she demanded.

"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You're it!"

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest. "What are you doing?"

"Counting your ribs."

William Halliday takes credit for this joke.

Received from nobody special.


Pay Your Taxes

The other day, my little brother, Clay, and little sister, Laura, were waiting in the truck with my mom when my brother got a worried expression on his face. He asked, "What does the government do if you don't pay your taxes?!"

My mom replied, "Well, they'll send you a letter that says that if you don't pay your taxes, you'll go to jail."

My brother got very upset at this thought and said, "We don't pay our taxes."

My mom quickly explained that you only have to pay your taxes once per year, and he just hadn't ever noticed my dad when he was paying ours.

"But no! I and Laura have never paid our taxes!!"

Received from D. Barley Riggs.


Good Tax Accountant

/* GCFL hopes that you find lots of (legal) tax deductions!

How do you know you've met a good tax accountant?

He has a loophole named after him.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



After Sunday school two little boys were standing in the church lobby. As they were talking a pretty little girl from their class walked by them.

One of the little guys said to the other, "When I quit hating girls, she's the first one I'm going to quit hating."

Excerpt from _The 10 Commandments of Love_ by Larry Wynn.

Received from Dennis Sierawski.


Password Audit

/* Despite the slowing economy, our donation drive was a great success! Thank you all so much for your continued generous support of GCFL! You guys are awesome! */

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:


When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."

Received from Dennis.


Animal Noises

Some young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"

"It goes 'moo.'"

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"

"It goes 'meow.'"

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

"It goes 'baaa.'"

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

"Errr..., it goes... 'click!'"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Smoke Rings

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to the local cafe. He sat at the end of the counter, ordered a Coke, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped his drink, he was quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll bust you in the mouth!"

Received from Andychap.


Not Hanging Around

O'Reilly was in a bit of a fix. He was filling in an insurance form and was asked to state how his parents had died. His mother was not a problem, she had died of a coronary at the age of 71, but his father had been hanged for murder at the age of 46.

He did not want to say this, though, so after a bit of thought came up with a solution and filled in the form:

"My father died at the age of 46 when a platform collapsed at a public occasion."

Received from darksplash via


Groaner: Talkers

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?

It's called On & On Anon.

(from Beckie Shiles)

Received from Stan Kegel.


Can't Swim

I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.

"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"

"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Bank Robbery

As we all know, April 1st is that day we traditionally play practical jokes on each other. In this particular town, it was the custom for such jokes to end at noon.

Last April 1st, John and Big Hoss, two rookie policemen, were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop in the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut.

The time was 11:55 AM.

Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio: "33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana."

Well, there was only one bank in town; in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop.

And a "33" was an armed robbery, but it was also just 11:58 AM. John and Big Hoss decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them.

They continued on enjoying their coffee break.

At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio: "Repeat, urgent, 33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana."

Realizing it was past noon, they rushed across the street, but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.

Received from Bill Rayborn.
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Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA

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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Column - -

A horseback-riding reader asked me to write a tax-related limerick. Here’s what I came up with:

Reining In Your Returns (Limerick)

To the folks who find horseback transcendent,
Please beware, you could be a defendant,
If when doing your tax,
You err to the max
By declaring your horse a “dependent.”

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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"In war, you can only be killed once, but in politics, many times." - Winston Churchill

"At first, dreams seem impossible, then improbable, and eventually inevitable."- Christopher Reeve

"If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, then what am I? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder

"There is only one thing people like that is good for them; a good night's sleep." - Edgar Watson Howe

"Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world." - Arthur Schopenhauer

"Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Some people grumble because roses have thorns; I am thankful that the thorns have roses." - Alphonse Karr

"It still holds true that man is most uniquely human when he turns obstacles into opportunities." - Eric Hoffer

"A man can't be always defending the truth; there must be a time for him to feed on it." - C. S. Lewis

"Shared laughter creates a bond of friendships. When people laugh together, they cease to be young and old, teacher and pupils, worker and boss. They become a single group of human beings." - W. Lee Grant

"Someone's boring me. I think it's me."- Dylan Thomas

"The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel." - Horace Walpole

"Vigorous writing is concise. Omit needless words." - William Strunk Jr. and E. B. White

"Be moderate in all things, including moderation." - Oscar Wilde

"Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything." - Mary Hemingway

"Three-tenths of a good appearance are due to nature; seven-tenths to dress." - Chinese Proverb

"Subdue your appetites, and you've conquered human nature." - Charles Dickens

"When most the world applauds you, most beware: 'Tis often less a blessing than a snare." - Edward Young

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those, who in times of moral crisis, do nothing." - Dante Alighieri

"No matter how big and tough a problem may be, get rid of confusion by taking one little step toward solution. Do something." - George F. Nordenholt

"No one could make a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little." - Edmund Burke
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance _ 234_7371 (24 Hour)
Jail _ 234_5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control _ 800_222_1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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Interested in getting in touch with the Banner_News through e_mail?
E_mail addresses for communicating with the newspaper’s various departments are: For the editor, For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events.
advertising@bannernews. net For retail and classified advertising.
circulation@bannernews. net To start, stop or cancel newspaper delivery or for comments about delivery.
outfitters For Office Outfitters, the office supply division of the Banner_News.
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

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