Bug's Bleat - - July 4th

Volume 13, Issue 26 Monday, July 04, 2011

Hello All,

Special 4th of July issue!
~~~~~
With the times we’re in, I felt that this was a day that we need to pay a little extra attention. So here’s “Da Bleat’s” Independence Day Special Issue. Some serious comments and a lot of humor, because we all need to smile while we reflect on our history.
~~~~~
Rosemary Cragan Dolliver - Happy Birthday!!! Flags all put up on the square in Magnolia this morning...go by a take a look-see.
~~~~~
GCF: Independence Days (Serious, Not Humor)

Dear GCF,

Those of you who have been around this list for awhile know that there are a few times during the year that I post something serious. 99.9% of what is sent to the Good Clean Fun mailing list is humor, however tonight I need to be serious for a moment.

Most of us, and by that I mean most of us in the United States, know that the Fourth of July is the "birthday" of the United States of America. It actually marks the anniversary of the adoption of the Declaration of Independence by the Second Continental Congress. Often marked by parades and community celebration, it is a symbolic time for American families to gather and reflect on their heritage.

Most of us take for granted that this day and all the other U.S. holidays are "national" holidays. Did you know that the United States observes no national holidays? Specifically, that means holidays mandated by the Federal Government. The United States Congress and/or President can only legally establish an "official" holiday for the District of Columbia and for federal employees. In fact, it wasn't until the 20th Century that an order was issued giving federal employees a "day off" from work. A public holiday can only be established at the local level. Typically the observance of holidays happens at the state level with the enactment of a state law or by an executive proclamation by a state governor.

I first started posting this piece in July 2000. After I posted it, I received an email from Jen in Alberta, Canada. She asked me why I only mentioned the U.S. holidays. She surmised that it was because I was from the U.S. and to that extent, she is right. The U.S. holidays, especially the ones dealing with independence, veterans, and those who died for this country, are special to me. And since Good Clean Fun is 99.9% humor, I certainly don't want to veer from that basic premise and turn this into a history site. But Jen did start me to thinking, so I did a bit of research about my neighbors: Canada and Mexico.

Look back at the subject of this email. It is Independence "Days", plural. So let me take a moment and briefly honor my neighbors:

1. Canada celebrates its Independence on July 1st. The British North America Act created the Canadian federal government on July 1, 1867. This Act proclaimed "one Dominion under the name of Canada," hence the original title of the holiday as "Dominion Day." July 1st has also been known in Canada as "Confederation Day." On October 27, 1982, the Canadian Parliament officially renamed the holiday as "Canada Day."

2. Mexico celebrates many national and religious holidays. I must admit that I always thought that Cinco de Mayo, the Fifth of May, was Mexico's Independence Day, but a bit of research proved me wrong. While Cinco de Mayo is a national holiday, it honors the Mexican defeat of the French army at Puebla in 1862. September 16th is Mexican Independence Day and it celebrates the day that Miguel Hidalgo delivered "El Grito de Dolores", and announced the Mexican revolt against Spanish rule.

3. Let me add a third "neighbor" albeit one a bit farther away than just north or south of the US. A ways back, Michelle emailed me to tell of Australia Day which is celebrated down under on January 26th. That is the day Australia became a nation in its own right.

So, let's all be proud of and reflect on our heritage.

Have a great holiday,
Tom

PS: Don't forget to fly the flag!

As an added thought, why not visit "Don't Get Me Started," written by Former Sergeant of Marines, Andrew C. "Andy" Hefty. Andy's column comes from Jacksonville, Florida via Jacksonville.Com. In 2004 he wrote a piece about the Star Spangled Banner where his thoughts include breaking the lyrics down into individual phrases and explaining what each one meant. That piece can be found at:

http://www.jacksonville.com/community/cc/hefty/stories/062804/062804075059.shtml

My favorite piece of this genre was done many, many years ago by Red Skelton where he broke the Pledge of Allegiance down into individual words and phrases in order to explain the meaning of each one. The piece can be found at:

http://kcbx.net/~tellswor/redskel1.htm

It also contains a link where you can hear Red's comments in his own voice. I highly recommend it.

Finally, let's remember that patriotism is NOT a sin, and the Fourth of July is more than beer, picnics, and baseball games.

-Tom

Thomas S. Ellsworth - tellswor@slonet.org

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~
Here’re the “4th” thoughts of some of my Face book Friends.
~
Michael Yon
An American to be admired and thanked.
[http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/video/military-draft-draftee-service-us-13990692]

Daryl Cagle
Cartoonists are all about symbols, and there is no more memorable symbol of our country, especially on Independence Day, then the stars and stripes.
Cagle Post » American Flag Cartoons
blog.cagle.com [http://blog.cagle.com/2011/07/american-flag-cartoons/]
Political cartoonists are a patriotic lot. You may not think it as they bash every politician that passes by and criticize nearly every aspect of the apparatus of our government, but their ultimate goal is to embarrass our current crop of Washington inhabitants into living up to the promise.

Norma Kay Rowe
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION, UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

Judy White Scott
Happy 4th of July everyone!

Paula Johnson Porter
Happy 4th to everyone. I'm proud to be an American. I am thankful for those who serve and have served our country. I am hopeful that Freedom will ring for the USA forever!

Tawana Robertson Staten
Wishing everyone a blessed and happy 4th of July!!:)

Brian Lester Bohrer
Happy Independence Day! Lev. 25:10 Proclaim Liberty!

Michael E. Dunn
Happy 4th of July America. Because Americans of 1776 insisted on being free, we celebrate our continued freedom today. God bless all who serve to protect that freedom.

Jimmy Malone
The great forces which threaten our liberties this Fourth of July are from within, not from without. God-given rights are always stripped away by the godless. What are we willing to risk to preserve America the way it was delivered to us? A city on a hill, the beacon of freedom to mankind.

Larry Lyons
Thanks to the Soldiers who fought near and far!

The Mission
It's Independence Day! Thank God for the freedom to worship without fear.

Darrell Walker
Have a GREAT 4th of July everyone !

Ozark EMS
Wishing all a Safe and Happy 4th of July.

Joshua Wines
The Declaration of Independance; July 4, 1776
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of ...

Debra Nash
HAPPY 4TH OF JULY Hope you all have a Great day !!!!!!

Linda Mitchell
Happy 4th of July! I am thankful for our God-given gift of freedom and all the men that have fought for our one nation under GOD.

Nancee Davis Law
John Wayne "America - Why I Love Her"
www.youtube.com [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQM1oLnMLNU&feature=share]

Martha Chapman via Edmund Roush
watch ALL THE WAY TO THE END, just like it says -
The Muppets: Stars & Stripes FOREVER! 720p HD
www.youtube.com [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAaMKsOziD8&feature=share]

Ron White
Happy 4 th of July to all AND thank you to all those past and present military who have afforded us this privilege!

Nancee Davis Law
Thank You!!!
American Soldier- Toby Keith (tribute)
www.youtube.com [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctVI5baftFo&feature=share]
This is a tribute movie that I made for one of my english classes. Hope you like it, feel free to comment.

Peggy Bertrand
A great BIG THANK YOU to all the men and women in service past and present. Their unselfishness and sacrifices are the reason we can celebrate our freedom today. If I could, I'd hug them all. So here's to our men and women in service!!! GOD BLESS YOU and GOD BLESS THE USA!

Nicole Peace Coarsey
"The longer I live,
the more convincing proofs I see of this truth:
'that God governs in the affairs of men.'
And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice,
is it probable that an empire can rise without His aid"-Ben Franklin
Happy 4th of July every one!!!-

Mindy Phillips Lawrence
Happy 4th of July to everyone!

Michael Yon
Happy Birthday America!

This morning over chow in Kandahar, one trooper said to another, "Happy birthday". July 4th.

Anita Brant Lyons
Happy and Safe 4th of July to all my FB friends and a special thank you to all of our soldiers past, present and future!

Tonja Kelly
Happy Independence Day! Thanks to all those that made it and keep it that way!!!

Martha Chapman
You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. ~Erma Bombeck

Phil Lester
40 burgers later,,,,and a dozen hotdogs,,,,,I am COOKED,,,,,,(no I didn't eat them,I cooked them),,,,,,,Happy 4th of July ,,,,,at all my friends,,,,,,yes,even you,,,,:)

Jo Cromwell
Have a blessed 4th of July.
~~~~~
We’ve now got several addresses on the web for "Da Bleat." For the latest issue, go to http://www.bugsbleat.blogspot.com.
Our photos are posted at http://www.bugsbleatphotos.blogspot.com.
~~~~~
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
~~~~~
BreakPoint - - The American Creed
''We Hold These Truths...''
By: Chuck Colson | Published: July 4, 2011

Today is the great American holiday: The Fourth of July. But do we Americans truly understand what we are celebrating, and why it so important?

The great British intellectual G. K. Chesterton wrote that “America is the only nation in the world that is founded on [a] creed.”

Think about that for a moment. Other nations were founded on the basis of race, or by the power of kings or emperors who accumulated lands -- and the peasants who inhabited those lands.

But America was -- and is to this day -- different. It was founded on a shared belief. Or as Chesterton said, on a creed.

And what is that creed that sets us apart? It is the eloquent, profound, and simple statement penned by Thomas Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

I’ll never forget when I graduated from Brown University during the Korean War. I couldn’t wait to become a Marine officer, to give my life if necessary, to defend that creed. To defend the idea that our rights come from God Himself and are not subject to whims of governments or tyrants. That humans ought to be free to pursue their most treasured hopes and aspirations.

Perhaps some 230 years later, we take these words for granted. But in 1776, they were earth-shaking, indeed, revolutionary.

Yet today, they are in danger of being forgotten altogether. According to Gallup, 66 percent of American adults have no idea that the words, “We hold these truths . . .” come from the Declaration of Independence. Even worse, only 45 percent of college seniors know that the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are proclaimed in the Declaration.

As America grows more and more diverse culturally, religiously, ethnically, it is critical that we embrace the American creed. Yes, America has always been a “melting pot.” But what is the pot that holds our multicultural stew together? Chesterton said the pot’s “original shape was traced on the lines of Jeffersonian democracy.” A democracy founded on those self-evident truths expressed in the Declaration of Independence. And as Chesterton remarked “The pot must not melt.”

Abraham Lincoln understood this so well. For him, the notion that all men are created equal was “the electric cord in that Declaration that links the hearts of patriotic and liberty-loving men together, that will link those patriotic hearts as long as the love of freedom exists in the minds of men throughout the world.”

So go to the Fourth of July parade. Go to the neighborhood barbecue and enjoy the hot dogs and apple pie.

But here’s an idea for you. Why not take time out at the picnic to read the Declaration of Independence aloud with your friends and neighbors.
Listen -- and thrill -- to those words that bind us together as a nation of freedom-loving people: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

These are the words that Americans live for -- and if necessary, die for.
Further Reading and Information

"What Is America?" [http://www.gkc.org.uk/gkc/books/27250-h.htm#What_is_America]
G. K. Chesterton | What I Saw in America | 1922

Link to The Declaration of Independence [http://www.ushistory.org/declaration/document/]

"Electric Cord" [http://www.vindicatingthefounders.com/library/index.asp?document=47]
Abraham Lincoln | Speech in Chicago | July 10, 1858
~~~~~
Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:
~
Senator John Boozman (R_ AR)
1 Russell Courtyard
Washington DC, 20510
Phone: 202-224-4843
http://boozman.senate.gov/
~
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
http://pryor.senate.gov/
~
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314
http://ross.house.gov/
Other states congresspersons can be found at: [http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/]
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
GCF: The Gift

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines , surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Government Checks

There were many delays after the Army decided to purchase property from a civilian owner. The Army intended to convert the property into military housing. The owner's lawyer became very frustrated that it took so long to close the deal, and said, "I don't like working with the government. I'm not sure I'd even trust one of their checks."

"I wouldn't worry," was the government lawyer's reply. "Not only do they print their own checks, but they also print the money to back them up."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: At the Bank

I had just finished my dental appointment when I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."

"You should have used the drive-through," she said.

"Why?"

"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Vet Appointment

In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he come on his own?"
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Police Academy

My sister felt she was well prepared for her in-depth interview with the Police Academy Board who would determine her suitability as a candidate.

The first situation they presented to her was: "On routine patrol you see a car traveling at excessive speed, with undue care and attention. You pull it over and discover that the driver is your brother. What do you do?"

Without hesitation she replied, "Tell Mom!"

She was accepted.
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Bill Paying

A wholesale dealer who had a lot of trouble in getting a certain retailer to pay his bills finally lost patience and wrote the merchant a threatening letter.

He received the following reply: "Dear Sir: What do you mean by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to pay on my accounts. Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don't like my way of doing business, I won't even put your bills in the hat."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Job Application

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Medical Error

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"

"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Burnt Potato

Laura and Freddy are cousins, and their grandmother is babysitting them for the day.

Although Freddy's mom is the renowned chef in the family, Laura's mom prepared lunch earlier, including potatoes in the oven. But one fell and got badly burnt, almost like a piece of charcoal. Grandma jumped on the occasion to show the kids how to draw with it on a piece of paper.

Feeling sad, Freddy observed: "My mom would NEVER burn potatoes for me!"
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Scrubbing Bulkheads

I was scrubbing a bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced:

"Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue all unnecessary work."

An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement:

"Resume all unnecessary work."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Didn't See That Coming

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Impartiality

A friend of mine had just become a district court judge and was nervous about presiding impartially over his first criminal trial. As a former prosecutor, he could see the preponderance of evidence was clearly against the defendant.

The proceedings went smoothly, until it was time for him to instruct the jury.

"The jury," he began, "is to convene in the guilty room."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Secret Shopper

As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks' performances. After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job.

"I love it!" she replied. "I'm getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life -- shopping and criticizing people."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Bus Home

I was out at a bar, celebrating the weekend. At the end of the evening, I was totally wasted and decided to take a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which surprised me because I had never driven a bus before.
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Memento

Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"

Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair."

Friend: "But your husband is still alive."

Woman: "Yes, but his hair is gone."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Shaking Hands

"Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot of coffee?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Marksman

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," was the reply. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Casserole

Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to put it in at 350," I said.

"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Dining Out

One evening, I went with my parents to a fancy restaurant. Dad was about halfway through his meal when he took a hard look at the potato, called the waitress over and said, "This potato is bad!"

To my utter amazement, the waitress at this "5-Star" place, picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the plate, then told my Dad, "If that potato causes any more trouble, just let me know."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Flag Pin

I was touring a British naval vessel, wearing my American flag lapel pin. As I asked the tour guide a question, he called out, "Sir, you are in distress!"

I was greatly confused, until he pointed out that the flag on my lapel was upside down, the naval symbol for a ship in distress.

I fumbled with the sticky clasp for a moment, but was only able to turn the flag 90 degrees. "Ah," he said sternly, "now you're being boarded by pirates."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Marathon

It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is hobbling away, having just finished.

A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot worse tomorrow."

He pauses and then says, "But the really bad news is that in about 3 days, you're going to think you had fun today."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Courtroom Oops

Judge: I know you, don't I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Library Confusion

The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Where's the Paper?

"Have you seen this morning's paper?"

"Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it."

"But I hadn't seen it yet!"

"You didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds and a few orange peels."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Driving Around

I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there's this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror ... shaving!!!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he's halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Company Examination

A company was hiring new staff. One question in the written exam was:

You are driving your car in a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus station, and you see three people waiting for the bus: an old lady who looks as if she is about to die, a doctor who had once saved your life, a person you have been dreaming to be with. You can only take one passenger in your car. Which one will you choose? Please explain your answer.

Think about it before you continue reading.

This must be some kind of personality test. Every answer has its reasoning.

You could pick up the old lady. She is going to die, and thus you should save her first. You could take the doctor, because he once saved your life. This will be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you could always pay the doctor back in the future, but you may never be able to find the perfect love once you pass this chance.

The candidate who was eventually hired (out of 200 applicants) did not have to explain his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "Give the car key to the doctor. Let him take the old lady to the hospital. I will stay and wait for the bus with the person of my dreams."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: A Touch of Home

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Telemarketers

I used to hate it when telemarketers would call but nowadays I welcome them with open arms. Their calls are opportunities for me to turn the tables and inconvenience them instead of them inconveniencing me. Perhaps they have now blacklisted me because I don't get as many calls as I used to but when my caller ID box shows "Private Caller" my adrenaline rushes and I am ready to play.

One of the new ploys that telemarketers are using is to call you electronically. You pick up the phone to hear a recorded voice say, "Please stay on the line for an important message." They actually expect you to wait on hold while they take their sweet time before getting around to selling you something.

The last time I got one of these calls, I put on some classical music and waited for someone to greet me. As soon as I heard the telemarketer say hello, I said in my best radio advertiser voice, "Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. Our next available representative will be with you shortly." I let the music play and would repeat those phrases at thirty second intervals.

Finally I turned off the music and said, "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Jane with Allied Travel. How are you today?"

"Well, my gouts been acting up, I've got terrible hemorrhoids, I've got poison ivy on the bottom of my feet and I just ate a pizza so the heartburn will be coming on soon."

"I'm sorry to hear that sir but I'm calling to tell you about some of our exciting travel packages that ..."

I interrupted her, "You don't really care about how I'm doing, do you?"

"Why, sure I do?"

"You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"

"Well sir, I can't do that right now. I have to call people and tell them about our travel packages."

"You can use my phone. Come on over."

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Of course I like you sir."

"So why won't you come over?"

"Well, I'm working."

"I got some pork rinds and some Pepsi and I could fry up a little fatback if you'd like."

"Boy, that sounds real tempting but I'll have to take a rain check on that."

"Okay, how about tomorrow then?"

"I can't. I'm working."

"How about the day after tomorrow then?"

"Actually sir, I'm not supposed to get too personal with the people I call."

"Why'd you ask me how I was doing then?"

"That's just a courtesy."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Yes sir. I like you just fine."

"So ... You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"

(click)
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Intercom Repair

My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school.

One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the Intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.

She asked, "Is that okay now?"

"Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Salesman Visit

One day a salesman stopped by the Jones farm, knocked, and Mrs. Jones came to the door.

"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.

"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn."

"Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"

"Shouldn't have any problem ... He's the one with the beard and mustache."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: Management vs. Solutions

After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!
If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.
In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning your approval."
_ _____________________________________ _
GCF: The Stockbroker

The phone rang in the stockbroker's office.

"May I speak with Mr. Bradford?"

"I'm sorry. Mr. Bradford is on another line."

This is Mr. Ingram's office. We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife. Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
_ _____________________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | tellswor@kcbx.net | \ \
_( (_ | http://www.kcbx.net/~tellswor | _) )_
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / When I'm feeling down, \ \_/ ////
\ / I like to whistle. It makes \ /
\ _/ the neighbor's dog run to the \_ /
/ / end of his chain. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Learn from the mistakes of \ /
\ _/ others. You can't live long \_ /
/ / enough to make them all yourself. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Learn from the mistakes of \ /
\ _/ others. You can't live long \_ /
/ / enough to make them all yourself. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Birthdays are good for you; \ /
\ _/ the more you have, \_ /
/ / the longer you live. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Real friends are those who, \ \_/ ////
\ / when you feel you've made a \ /
\ _/ fool of yourself, don't think \_ /
/ / you've done a permanent job. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If you're going to draw on the \ /
\ _/ wall, do it behind the couch. \_ /
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Don't cry because its over; \ /
\ _/ smile because it happened. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / How do you tell when you \ /
\ _/ run out of invisible ink? \_ /
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / A budget is just a method \ /
\ _/ of worrying before you spend \_ /
/ / money, as well as afterward. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I'm not afraid of heights, \ /
\ _/ I'm afraid of widths. \_ /
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ /If your dog doesn't like someone,\ /
\ _/ you probably shouldn't either. \_ /
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" \ /
\ _/ sound like what it is? \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I've changed my mind \ /
\ _/ a dozen times. \_ /
/ / It seems to work better now. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Winter is the season in which \ \_/ ////
\ / people try to keep the house \ /
\ _/ as warm as it was in the summer, \_ /
/ / when they complained about the heat. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Never lend your car \ /
\ _/ to anyone to whom \_ /
/ / you have given birth. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / The sole purpose of a \ \_/ ////
\ / child's middle name is so \ /
\ _/ he can tell when \_ /
/ / he's really in trouble. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / To err is human; \ /
\ _/ to blame it on someone else \_ /
/ / is more human. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / My mind works like lightning. \ /
\ _/ One brilliant flash \_ /
/ / and it is gone. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / A truly happy person is one \ /
\ _/ who can enjoy the scenery \_ /
/ / on a detour. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / The speed of light is 186,000 \ \_/ ////
\ / miles per second, or the \ /
\ _/ distance a baby can crawl \_ /
/ / when you turn your back. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If you can't be kind, \ /
\ _/ at least have the decency \_ /
/ / to be vague. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Experience is a wonderful thing.\ /
\ _/ It enables you to recognize a \_ /
/ / mistake when you make it again. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Let's face it. Traveling \ \_/ ////
\ / just isn't as much fun when \ /
\ _/ all the historical sites \_ /
/ / are younger than you are. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ /A husband is someone who takes \ \_/ ////
\ / out the trash and gives the \ /
\ _/ impression he just cleaned \_ /
/ / the whole house. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / A cement mixer collided \ \_/ ////
\ / with a prison van. \ /
\ _/ Be on the lookout for \_ /
/ / hardened criminals. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / My children never understood \ \_/ ////
\ / my logic. Both of them failed \ /
\ _/ to see why they had to go \_ /
/ / to bed when I was tired. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / STRESSED spelled \ /
\ _/ backwards is DESSERTS. \_ /
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / The only thing wrong with \ /
\ _/ a perfect drive to work \_ /
/ / is that you end up at work. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Ever wonder what the speed \ /
\ _/ of lightning would be \_ /
/ / if it didn't zigzag? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If the horse you're drawing \ /
\ _/ looks more like a dog, \_ /
/ / make it a dog. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I hope they don't raise the \ /
\ _/ standard of living any higher. \_ /
/ / I can't afford it now. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / You know those wheezing and \ \_/ ////
\ / popping noises the refrigerator \ /
\ _/ makes? It just means that it's \_ /
/ / making ice. I'm not getting old. \ \
I'm just making ice!
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance _ 234_7371 (24 Hour)
Jail _ 234_5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control _ 800_222_1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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Interested in getting in touch with the Banner_News through e_mail?
E_mail addresses for communicating with the newspaper’s various departments are:
editor@bannernews.net For the editor, news@bannernews.net For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events.
advertising@bannernews. net For retail and classified advertising.
circulation@bannernews. net To start, stop or cancel newspaper delivery or for comments about delivery.
outfitters @bannernews.net For Office Outfitters, the office supply division of the Banner_News.
[http://www.bannernews.net/]
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
~~~~~
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

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