Sunday, May 9, 2010

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: The Pastor's Sermon

Volume 12, Issue 19 Friday, May 07, 2010

Hello All,

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks. I finished my Texas A&M training to teach the OSHA General Industry 10 and 30 hour courses. South Arkansas Community College [] has scheduled me to teach classes in July and August.
OSHA 10 hr General Industry Training Course
July 14-8:30-3:30 and July 15-8:30-12:30 (one class)
August 17-8:30-3:30 and August 18-8:30-12:30 (one class)
OSHA 30 hr General Industry Training
July 19-22-8:30-4:30 (one class)
August 23-26-8:30-4:30 (one class)
Annette and I have spent the last couple of weeks at the Doctor. Annette’s knee is acting up. She will see Dr. Gati next week. I started suffering with Congestive Heart Failure last Monday. It only took three days of Annette’s nagging for me to go to the Doctor. They changed my medications and I’ve been getting the fluid off ever since. It’s nice to be able to get a decent breath of air again.
Annette and I discovered a FANTASTIC little Greek Restaurant while we were in Mesquite. It’s in the strip mall just north of Town East. [Atheneos Greek Village Café - 1765 North Town East Blvd. Suite 141. Mesquite, TX 75150 ph: 972-279-4733.] If you're in the area, try them out.
Nancy Terry, Industrial Nurse Extraordinary, has retired. Her excellent care was responsible for my continued ability to work. Have fun Nancy, you deserve it and more.
Annette used to drive our 2000 GMC Yukon XL (before I hit a deer in it and had to get her an ‘09 Traverse.) Winter before last, on our way to church, I was driving us in the Yukon. It was a bitterly cold morning, sleeting and icy. As I navigated toward the church, I commented on how bitterly cold it was.
She responded by telling me; “Well, don’t roll down the window.” Now I couldn’t remember a time I’d ever rolled down the window on the way to Church in bad weather so I asked her; “What did you say?” She replied “Don’t roll down the window.”
I was still puzzled so I asked her, “What?” And again, she replied “Don’t roll down the window.”
Now I was getting a little irritated and I asked; “Why do you think I’d roll down the window?” She looked at me with exasperation and repeated; “Don’t roll down the window.”
Being a normal guy, I took that as a challenge and I hit the down button on the driver’s window (I wasn’t stupid enough to roll down her window.) The window buzzed down and Arctic air filled the vehicle. Then I hit the up button and ... nothing happened. I pounded on the button, rocking it back and forth, nothing. The window would not go up.
My wife, looking at me like I was an ignorant child, said; “I told you not to roll down the window.” Then she went on to explain that the window would not roll up when the temperature was below 40F. I asked her how long this had been going on and she told me she’d discovered it during the fall, and the window would roll up as soon as the temperature warmed up.
When we got to church, by which time I was almost frozen solid and covered with a fine coating of sleet, we got some plastic and covered the window. That afternoon, I took the car to the local Ambulance service and parked it inside their “bay” where it could warm up and, just like she said, the window rolled up when the car warmed up.
Since then I’ve had opportunity to test this device several times (when I forgot to leave the window up in weather below 40F.) In cold weather it won’t roll up. In warm weather it works fine.
Now that I’m the primary driver, I’d like to get this fixed. But what do I replace? The switch? The motor? The door?
Many are comparing the oil spill in the gulf to the Exxon Valdez incident. But it’s much more serious. Because the cry to limit off shore drilling is swelling like the slick covering the coast. We need to work toward reducing our energy usage, but we also need to produce as much as possible. Would that our government could multi-task.
“The two pillars of 'political correctness' are:
a) willful ignorance & b) a steadfast refusal to face the truth” - - George MacDonald
MSNBC's Contessa Brewer - I'm Sorry Times Square Suspect Has Islamic Ties
via Robert Lyons
“There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.” - - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Being ignorant is not so much a shame, as being unwilling to learn.” - - Benjamin Franklin

“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” - - Martin Luther King, Jr.
In October 2004, the FDA approved the use of Radio Frequency Identification microchips in humans, specifically for medical purposes.

The procedure has had few takers, but PayChip believes once consumers see the benefits, they will jump on board. PayChip, a leading finance company devoted to reinventing the future of credit cards, unveiled the world's first microchip credit card today.
In a historic partnership with ClearLabs, the producers of the microchip used by veterinarians to track canines, PayChip is looking to change the way credit and debit cards are used by millions of consumers.
"Rather than having to carry around different cards for various accounts, all of your credit card information will be stored in your own personal microchip," Peter Townshend, a spokesperson for PayChip, said. "Soon, no one will have to worry about their credit card being used by someone else."
A representative from PayChip said the company understands it will take time for retailers and consumers to catch on, but Townshend said they expect physical credit cards to be virtually non-existent within the next five years.
Major retailers like Target, Wal-Mart and Costco are planning to implement devices to scan the microchips in late 2010. []
A woman is like a teabag. It's only when she's in hot water that you realize how strong she is. Nancy Reagan [via Lou Murphy]
Earthquake Insight Field Trip Planned for October 2010

The next Earthquake Insight Field Trip will be held on October 6-8, 2010. This annual outreach event, hosted by the US Geological Survey, will start and end in Memphis, Tenn. Field trip participants will learn about the earthquake history of the central US and current exposures to earthquake hazards in this area.

It is especially for non-scientists, such as safety professionals, infrastructure managers, business leaders, elected officials, media, finance, risk managers, portfolio managers, lenders, and business continuity planners. The field trip will be led by geoscientists, engineers, and emergency planners who are active in current research and private state-of-the-practice.

The field-trip route will cross the heart of the New Madrid fault zone and will include parts of Tennessee, Arkansas, and Missouri. Stops will be made at sites that show geologic evidence of past large earthquakes as well as cost-effective engineering solutions that minimize earthquake risk to certain structures. There will also be discussion of several industries that have concentrated exposure to earthquake risk in the central US.

Much of the value of past Earthquake Insight Field Trips was from the candid, one-on-one discussions between earthquake professionals and field-trip participants, who have mostly been from private-sector leadership.

Past participants have represented State Farm Companies, Pfizer, FM Global, the Missouri State Senate, Wal-Mart, Chubb, AON, AG Edwards, ABC/Disney, General Reinsurance, Time-Warner, Dillard’s, Odyssey Re, The Republic Group, Shelter Insurance, Edward Jones, St. Paul/Travelers, Enbridge, Swiss Re, and many others.

For more information or to register, please contact Phyllis Steckel at or 636-239-4013 as soon as possible. Due to logistical constraints, the group is strictly limited to 35 participants. Registration cost for the field trip is $495.

The final report of the first Earthquake Insight Field Trip, which was in 2005, is posted at The route and content of each Earthquake Insight Field Trip since then has been unique.

Earthquake Insight LLC
Phyllis J. Steckel, RG
PO Box 2002
Washington, MO 63090
One of our favorite days of the year is here. National Train Day will be arriving at a station near you on May 8, 2010, so mark your calendar. Discover the Rail Way with the third annual coast-to-coast celebration of everything that Americans love about trains. Don't miss out on your chance to tour private and Amtrak train cars, explore interactive and educational exhibits, enjoy live entertainment and much more.
Check for updates on this year's activities, promotions and entertainment events.
Chemical industry lauds Wal-Mart's sustainability goals
Wal-Mart recently announced its goal to reduce greenhouse-gas emissions in its supply chain, furthering its efforts to increase the sustainability index of its products through its Packaging Scorecard program. ACC and its members were among the first industries to provide data for the scorecard, and the chemical industry has exceeded its own sustainability goals. "More than seven years ago, ACC companies pledged to lower GHG intensity by 18% by 2012, using 1990 as a base-reporting year," said Jennifer Killinger, senior director at ACC's plastics division. "GHG-emission savings enabled by the chemical industry outweigh the industry's emissions more than twofold," she added. ICIS Chemical Business (U.K.) []
You really do need to be reading Jimmy’s blog []
~~~~~ - - Have a great weekend!

Want to hang out with me for an hour or so? I tell you how you can do just that in today's blog.[]

Spiderman Catches Would Be Thief! - - A dress up event at a comic book store turns into a real life hero affair as the man dressed up as Spiderman helps stop a would be thief! - - []

Prison Inmates Save Life Of Sheriff's Deputy - - Let's keep the unlikely hero theme going here with two inmates who had a huge opportunity to escape. But when the sheriff's deputy escorting them had a medical emergency they chose to stick around and help save his life. - - []
America is not at war. The military is at war. - - America is at the mall, or watching the movie stars. []
Each week the Defense Department highlights military personnel who have gone above and beyond in the war. [] - - Leon Caffie - - # Gainesville, FL - - # Awarded: Distinguished Service Meda - - When Leon Caffie was drafted into the Army in 1970 during the Vietnam war, he had no idea that it was the beginning of a military career that would span four decades. Nor did he imagine that he would end his career serving as Command Sergeant Major of the U.S. Army Reserves.

Command Sergeant Major Caffie retired January 9, 2010, as one of the last remaining draftees from the Vietnam war still serving in the military today.

Caffie described being drafted in 1970 as "a focus moment,” in his life.

"It was inevitable that is was going to happen,” he said. "In some aspects I was looking forward to it…I wanted to do my duty.”

He had already discussed the possibility with his father, who told him "you gotta do what you gotta do,” Caffie said. "Not being drafted wasn’t an option.”

"He’s my hero,” Caffie said of his father. "He’s the person I go to first for advice.”

Caffie described the experience of landing in Vietnam as a Private First Class in September of 1970 as "surreal.”

"It was 10 p.m. at night,” he said. "You would see the tracers coming in, you could see the tracers going out. It makes you think ‘this is the real deal,” he said.

"First night in the jungle was an eye opening experience. There wasn’t much sleep. But you learn to adapt,” Caffie said.

Having buddies, Caffie said, is key in adjusting to and dealing with a deployment.

"Buddies help you overcome fears,” he said. "You depend on your buddies.”

Origin and ethnicity weren’t a big part of the bond between buddies, Caffie said. Rather it was that they were soldiers together and depended on each other.

In part it was the relationships he built in the Army that inspired Caffie to stay in the U.S. Army Reserves after returning from Vietnam.

Caffie returned from his deployment to Vietnam in July of 1971. Even though he’d been encouraged by a former First Sergeant he’d served with to stay in active duty, Caffie entered the inactive reserve in 1972. He used the G.I. Bill to go to college.

But he chose to join an Army Reserve unit in Gainesville, Fla., in 1974.

"I missed it,” he said. "I missed the esprit de corps. I missed the brotherhood. I missed being a member of a proud organization. I missed the uniform. Those were the driving factors.”

For as much as Caffie was present for changes to the U.S. Army Reserves over the past three decades, he did his part to affect change himself.

Working until he reached a level of authority gave him the power to make changes that would benefit the lives of the soldiers below him, he said.

"I saw a need to be inclusive,” he said, "regardless of ethnicity or gender.”

"It’s never been about me. It’s always been about the soldiers,” he said. "The young men and women who make enormous sacrifices…These young kids step forward, raise their hands and say ‘I do.’”

Caffie deployed to Iraq in November of 2002. Unlike his arrival in Vietnam as a Private First Class, this time Caffie arrived on the ground as a Sergeant Major. The difference between the two experiences, Caffie said, was "drastic.” He served in this deployment as the Command Sergeant Major of the 377th Theater Support Command, overseeing 43,500 soldiers, as well as service members from the other branches, he said.

Caffie was faced with a series of challenges in this deployment.

"We were saddled with departures in key positions,” he said, which mean he had to "reach down to find people and elevate them to a higher level.”

Working in combat support, Caffie used battle focus training on his soldiers, he said. Ultimately, he said, he felt good about the progress they made.

Caffie leaves his career in the military having earned many medals for his service. Too many to enumerate individually, they include the Bronze Star Medal, the Army Commendation Medal, and the Distinguished Service Medal, which honors his service all the way through last decade of his career and his service in Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom.

But the thing Caffie says he will take away more than anything are the faces, the joy, and the laughter of the men and women, --the soldiers he has served with.
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.
Big Guns []
Another never ending story. Turkish warplanes hit northern Iraq after this or that, and on and on.
The Associated Press: Turkish warplanes hit northern Iraq - -
The military's press office said on Saturday that Turkish warplanes pounded positions across the border on Friday after army helicopters came under anti-aircraft fire from Iraqi soil. It said the rebel positions there were destroyed.
General Stanley McChrystal: A pattern of censorship? James Lee disembedded:
"While developing this last installment of our Afghanistan photography blog, American military officials expelled Lee from Nangarhar province after he traveled with Afghan National Army Forces during an opium eradication operation near the Pakis...tan border; an alleged violation of media ground rules. One week later, Lee received written authorization from Afghanistan's Office of Social Affairs to rejoin ANA forces based in Laghman province. Due to purported concerns of suicide bombers, Afghan military officials prevented Lee from accompanying patrols into populated areas. Lee is scheduled to leave Afghanistan and return to the United States later this week." - - James Lee In Afghanistan - -
Why was James Lee disembedded from Afghanistan?

Was he learning too much about General Stanley McChrystal's war? I do not know. Very interested to listen to Mr. Lee's side. Apparently Mr. Lee still is in transit home.

This already was published:

"While developing this last installment of our Afghanistan photography blog, American military officials expelled Lee from Nangarhar province after he traveled with Afghan National Army Forces during an opium eradication operation near the Pakistan border; an alleged violation of media ground rules. One week later, Lee received written authorization from Afghanistan's Office of Social Affairs to rejoin ANA forces based in Laghman province. Due to purported concerns of suicide bombers, Afghan military officials prevented Lee from accompanying patrols into populated areas. Lee is scheduled to leave Afghanistan and return to the United States later this week."See “James Lee In Afghanistan Facing dust-loaded dry winds, Afghan Border Police officer Masoud Sayed watches for signs of trouble along the Durand Line in Nangarhar province on April 15, 2010. Drawn with British ink in the late-nineteenth ...”
Very Respectfully,
Your Writer,

Michael Yon

Please remember that this website accepts no advertisement and is dependent on your support.
Very Respectfully,

PS Please sign up for my updates at "Michael_Yon" [] (not Michael Yon).
We’ve Watched:
New In Town
Down with Love
The Blind Side

Desk Set
Muppets from Space
Thomas & Friends: Make Someone Happy
The Dresser
People Will Talk
My Man Godfrey
Ball of Fire
North to Alaska
Bunny Shorts:
Paper Books We’ve recently read:
Without fail / Lee Child.
Persuader : a Jack Reacher novel / Lee Child.
Eight lives down : the story of the world's most dangerous job in the world's most dangerous place / Chris Hunter.
Kindle books we recently read:
Healer - a novel of the LaNague Federation (The LaNague Federation series) F. Paul Wilson
Household Tales by Brothers Grimm
Aesop's Fables; a new translation
Fairy Tales Every Child Should Know
Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality - Miller, Donald
Living Organized: Proven Steps for a Clutter-Free and Beautiful Home - Felton, Sandra
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include Shots of the Columbia County Courthouse, a beautiful spring day in the Red River Bottoms and Annette’s Traverse after deer impact.
We’ve now got several addresses on the web for "Da Bleat." For the latest issue, go to Other issues can be seen at
Our photos are posted at
If you want to see photos of the April ’08 train wreck in Magnolia, go to
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
Be sure and keep Dr. Pat Antoon and his lovely wife Mandy in your prayers.
Recipe(s) of the week - - Apple Griddle Cakes - - Makes 8 servings

Amount Per Serving
Calories 189.9
Total Carbs 19.5 g
Dietary Fiber 5.2 g
Sugars 8.1 g
Total Fat 8.9 g
Saturated Fat 1.9 g
Unsaturated Fat 7 g
Potassium 69.3 mg
Protein 12.8 g
Sodium 328.1 mg

Dietary Exchanges
1 Fat, ½ Fruit, ½ Starch

Apple and cinnamon pancakes topped with applesauce.

2 large apples , peeled and finely chopped (Jonagold or Granny Smith)
2 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 ½ cup low carb baking mix
2 tbsp SPLENDA® No Calorie Sweetener, granulated
2 tsp baking powder
½ tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp salt
1 medium eggs , slightly beaten
1 ½ cup whole milk
3 tbsp vegetable oil (or melted butter)
1 butter flavored cooking spray (optional)
1 cup unsweetened applesauce (optional)

1 In a medium bowl, combine apples and lemon juice.
2 In another medium bowl, combine baking mix, SPLENDA, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt.
3 In a small bowl combine egg, milk, and oil.
4 Add egg mixture all at once to flour mixture and stir just until moistened (the batter should be lumpy). Gently fold in apple mixture.
5 Heat a lightly greased griddle or heavy skillet over medium heat (until a few drops of water dance across the surface).
6 For each pancake, pour a scant 1/4 cup batter onto the hot griddle, spread batter into a 4-inch circle.
7 Cook for 1 to 2 minutes on each side or until pancakes are golden, turning to second sides when pancake surfaces are bubbly and edges are slightly dry, adding oil to griddle as necessary.
8 Serve warm. If desired, top with applesauce.
Additional Information
These are great for breakfast or brunch.

Volcanoes and Hubris
A Little Dust Goes a Long Way
By: Chuck Colson|Published: May 7, 2010 5:00 AM
Topics: Environment, Health & Science

Every now and again, mankind gets reminded that we are not in control of our own destiny. The question is, will we ever learn the lesson?

The April eruption of the Icelandic volcano caused the largest air traffic shutdown since World War II. The disruption in transportation made it almost seem, as Washington Post columnist Anne Applebaum wrote, “as if we had gone back in time a century.”

Eventually, the planes started flying again, and the volcano dropped off our TV screens—which means that the lessons to be learned from the eruption will soon be forgotten.

Between April 16th and 21st, an estimated 95,000 flights were canceled because of because of volcanic ash in the upper atmosphere. Millions of passengers around the world were stranded as vital air corridors were declared off-limits to jet aircraft. The disruption cost airlines an estimated $200 million a day.

The source of the trouble? Tiny bits of pulverized rock less than one-half the diameter of a human hair. Volcanic ash and jet engines don’t mix. Once inside the engine, the ash melts, turns into liquid glass, and coats the engine’s vital parts.

The sigh of relief being breathed by travelers, airlines, and governments may be a bit premature. The last time this same volcano erupted, in 1821, the eruption lasted 18 months. Geologist Andy Hooper has written that “it remains a very real possibility that the volcano will continue to erupt on-and-off for months.”

What’s more, as volcanic eruptions go, this one was strictly minor league—a mere nuisance. What has volcanologists worried is its next-door neighbor, Katla. The two volcanoes tend to erupt in tandem, and a Katla eruption, according to Hooper, could make the recent one seem “trivial” in comparison. It was the Katla eruption in 1783 that led to extended crop failures and famines across Europe—an event that may have helped cause the French Revolution!

The recent eruptions, combined with the catastrophic earthquake in Haiti and even more powerful tremors in Chile, Mexico, and China, should have been seen as a rebuke to our hubris.

As Roberto Rivera recently wrote on the Colson Center website, an essential part of the modern secular worldview is the belief that by understanding how nature works, we can gain mastery over it. Thus, the mapping of the human genome was followed by talk about “taking control of our evolution.” Advances in computer technology led to talk about “improving” the human species by creating human-machine hybrids.

It didn’t matter that, hubris aside, what we know is infinitesimal compared to what we don’t know. Our confidence in our technological abilities is unbounded—we are creatures who dream of dispossessing our Creator and, as I said in a recent Two-Minute Warning, creating “the perfect society, the perfect climate, [and] the perfect person.”

Then a minor volcano coughs and brings the modern world to a standstill.

It’s a reminder that we are not in charge. Not even close. The Babels that inspire our hubris can be laid low in seconds. And the clock can be turned back to the ‘60s—that is, the 1860s.

The question is: Will we take the lesson to heart? Probably not. Acknowledging that we are not in charge requires us to submit to God. And since the Garden, the refusal to submit is what has driven our aspiration to God-like knowledge and power.

So, instead, we act as if nothing important happened, and we wait to catch the next flight.
Further Reading and Information

Headscarves and Hubris []
Roberto Rivera | Colson Center | May 3, 2010

The Hubris of Man []
Chuck Colson | Two-Minute Warning | May 6, 2010

Nature Hoists Europe Back in Time []
Anne Applebaum | Washington Post | April 29, 2010

Iceland Reminds Us Nature Is Boss []
Christopher Hitchens | Slate | April 19, 2010

Disaster Awaits Cities in Earthquake Zones []
New York Times | February 25, 2010

Copyright © 2010 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved _ _
Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:
Senator Blanche Lambert Lincoln (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_4843
FAX 202_228_1371
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314
Other states congresspersons can be found at: []
Words of the Day:
# perforce: by necessity.
# sough: to make a soft, low sighing or rustling sound.
# quisling: a collaborator; a traitor.
# quash: to annul; also, to crush; to subdue.
# pellucid: transparent, shining through; also, easily understandable.
# valetudinarian: a weak or sickly person.
# doula: a woman who assists in childbirth.
# omnific: having unlimited powers of creation.
# sesquipedalianism: given to using long words.
# jnana: absolute insight acquired through study.
# iatrogenic: (of a medical disorder) caused by the actions of a physician.
# vamoose: to leave hurriedly or quickly; decamp.
# perpend: to ponder; deliberate.
# eristic: pertaining to argument for its own sake.
"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less." - Nicholas Murray Butler

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem

"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do." - Benjamin Spock

"Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they can't be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them." - Adam Smith

"Curses are like young chickens, they always come home to roost." - Robert Southey

"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." - J.K. Rowling

"Whatever we build in the imagination will accomplish itself in the circumstance of our lives." - William Butler Yeats

"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up." - C.S. Lewis

"No sensible decision can be made any longer without taking into account not only the world as it is, but the world as it will be." - Isaac Asimov

"What people say behind your back is your standing in the community." - Edgar Watson Howe

"Life is a succession of moments. To live each one is to succeed." - Corita Kent

"Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense." - Gertrude Stein

"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him." - Robert Heinlein

"The unselfish effort to bring cheer to others will be the beginning of a happier life for ourselves." - Helen Keller

Federal Court Sides with Pro-Life Student's Expression of Belief News Release (May 3, 2010)
"The Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity provides the opportunity for students to exercise their constitutional right to express their viewpoint in a non-disruptive manner on abortion, just as other students have the right to express their views."
... []

Christian Music Beginning to Penetrate Mainstream More Aimee Herd (May 3, 2010)…everyone is searching for hope."
... []

310 2nd Ave SE
Albany, Oregon 97321
US Orders: 1_866_358_7426
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GCF: The Pastor's Sermon

Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to:

The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade. "For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun, but fuchsias thrive in the shade."

After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached him. "Your sermon did me so much good," she said.

Before he had time to gloat too much, she added, "I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Sarah) -Tom

GCF: Where's Mom?

A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian!"

Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her: "You shouldn't call me 'Marian'. I'm your mother. You should call me that."

"I know," said the child, "but the store is full of Mommies."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Clean Laffs) -Tom Subscribe to Clean Laffs at the website:

GCF: Naval Jargon

Jim was just out of Navy boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary."

The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttle- butt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I till throw you out of that little round window over there!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Dept of Transportation

At a dinner party to introduce the new Administrator of the Maryland State Highway, the new boss went on and on extolling his own virtues: the forward-thinking, the modernization he'd put in place, the down-sizing, equipment upgrades, roadway improvements he had both instituted and planned for the future while he was with the Pennsylvania Dept of Transportation.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, he opened the floor for questions.

"Sir," said a voice from the back of the room, "perhaps you'd also tell us why Pennsylvania didn't want you anymore."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Shopping vs Sailing

Last summer my wife and I met a couple at a restaurant. After lunch, the women decided to go shopping, and I invited the man to go sailing.

While we were out on the water, a storm blew in. The tide had gone out, and we were down-wind trying to work our way back through a narrow channel. At one point the boat grounded and we had to climb overboard and shove with all our might to get it back in deeper water.

As my new friend stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind blowing his hair wildly, rain streaming down his face, he grinned at me, and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Car vs Pedestrian

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted, "Your honor, if we are to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Finance Textbook

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the textbook and was shocked to find out it would cost me $125. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get $50," said the clerk.

"This is insane," I protested as I handed him my credit card.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $125 then sells it back for $50 should fail the course."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Clean Laffs) -Tom Subscribe to Clean Laffs at the website:

GCF: Airplane Cell Phone

En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone.

"Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean — You won't get a signal out here."

"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in first class."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Lost Weight

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 225."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Unvarnished Opinion

At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion.

One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."

As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Good Clean Funnies List) -Tom To subscribe The Good Clean Funnies List, (not to be confused with this list, which is Good Clean Fun) send an email to: with subject = add

GCF: Boneless Chicken

The food in China can be a challenge for newcomers. One example is that chicken is often served "cleaver style," leaving the meat and bones chopped up together, making it difficult to eat.

Years ago, I went with a group of newcomers to a nice hotel to eat some hamburgers and normal Western food. One lady in our group, Marie, wanted to eat chicken without needing to spit out the bones, so she ordered "boneless chicken."

The waiter, whose English was quite good, could not imagine what Marie wanted. She was very insistent, saying, "I want boneless chicken. Chicken with no bones!"

After more confusion and more insisting, the waiter finally said he understood, wrote something down, and returned to the kitchen.

After about 15 minutes, our orders started coming out to the table. Marie's food was the last to arrive, and when the poor waiter placed her dish in front of her, we all laughed out loud. It was a plate of fried eggs.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Clean Joke of the Day) -Tom Subscribe to Clean Joke of the Day by visiting the website:

GCF: Getting the Children Ready

During the cold winter a family was preparing to go out for an evening activity. The wife, who was normally bustling about getting the children ready to leave, was this evening instead standing right inside the front door, her arms full of coats.

And instead of being prepared to leave, her four small children were busy running circles around her playing one of their non-stop games of tag.

Her husband, coming down the stairs, was shocked at the spectacle.

"Honey," he said, "What are you doing just standing there? We'll be late!"

"Here," his wife replied, handing him the coats with a smug smile, "I thought that this time you would like to have the privilege of putting the children into their coats, while I go and honk the horn."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Space Mountain

Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time and she headed straight for Space Mountain. I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, we rode it twice.

The next year we returned to Magic Kingdom and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain. As we stood in line, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.

"Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."

I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.

She replied, "This year I can read better!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

GCF: Carpet Store

A young woman walked into a local carpet store. She'd just moved out of her parent's home and needed something for her new living-room floor.

"Do you know how big the room is?" the clerk asked.

"Yes," she said. "It's 22 flip-flops long by 18 flip-flops wide ... and I wear a size 8."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

GCF: Old Age

In conversation, my adult son Larry expressed concern about my future. Confident in my children's love, I announced, "I'm not going to worry about old age. I have four kids, and I'll just spend three months with each one."

"Yes," Larry replied, "but what are you going to do the second year?"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, John) -Tom

GCF: Paint Supply

DANGER! Pun Ahead! Be prepared to groan!

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a small fortune supplying paints to the colonies.

One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.

As a result of this disaster, both crews were ... marooned.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

GCF: To-Do List

I was visiting a friend for a few days and noticed a "to do" list on her table.

It said:
Polish furniture
Scrub bathrooms
Change bedding in guest room
Buy homemade-looking cake
Bring out clock Florie gave us
Throw this list away before Florie arrives
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Good Clean Funnies List) -Tom To subscribe The Good Clean Funnies List, (not to be confused with this list, which is Good Clean Fun) send an email to: with subject = add

GCF: Iced Coffee

In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.

Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.

I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Clean Laffs) -Tom Subscribe to Clean Laffs at the website:

GCF: Wildlife Refuge

Driving in Ohio, we spotted a sign that read, "Wildlife Refuge."

Seeing a dead deer lying in front of it, my husband shook his head.
"He almost made it."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Medical Advice

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Burt) -Tom

GCF: Air Traffic Control

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."


PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.


A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little to high... San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the next exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to:

GCF: Weight Report

The small-town doctor was famous in the area for always catching VERY large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scale.

The baby weighed in at 32 pounds, 10 ounces.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Emma) -Tom

GCF: Forced Landing

A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge to his professional reputation.

With determination, full flaps and engine just above the stall, he maneuvered into the field. Climbing out, he shouted angrily to the trainee, "Just how did you manage to get into such a small field?"

"I landed in the big field over there," the trainee explained, "but in order to leave room for you, I had the farmer tow me here."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:


GCF: Lucky Number 5

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and who's lucky number is 5, receives a phone call from a friend.

The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.

Excitedly, the man withdraws $5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win.

Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Clean Laffs) -Tom Subscribe to Clean Laffs at the website:

GCF: Washington Shapes

On a recent trip to Washington, D.C., we took a side trip to Arlington, Virginia. While there, my wife overheard a patriotic father pointing out a well-known building to his son.

"You see that triangular-shaped octagon over there? That's the Pentagon."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Becky) -Tom

GCF: S.A.T. Prep Test

Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test (the S.A.P.)


1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
a. b. c. d. e. none of the above

2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______
a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bologna e. bleak

3. pork:algae :: green:_______
a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red

4. mugger:park :: king:_______
a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak


Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.

In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the weather. These contentions, however, are for the most part unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, a British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots." Corelatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scientists. Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such possibilities, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.

1. In what language is the British researcher speaking?
a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media

2. The term "most Western" means
a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct

3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is:
a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
b. The sun has sunspots
c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
d. all of the above


1. Which of the following is a number?
a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5

2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can get anything he wants from Grover?
a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only

3. Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch. The pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the watch's value?
a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above

/\50 6/\
5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \__/ \2
of the figure at the right. / 2 |
a. 0 b. 50% c. c only \ /\ |
d. the answer is a 9\ /7 \ |10
e. go back, it's a \/ 8\__|

6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will it really take him?
a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated


In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities. These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither. On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no idea.

a. 2 b. 15
a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square whose area is 10 whose area is 10
a. my dad b. your dad
a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa
a. something b. nothing
a. a mountain b. a molehill
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: The Student Athlete

A scout for one of the leading colleges went to the office of the athletic director and announced, "Have I got an athlete for you! This guy can play every sport and excels at every position. He is absolutely the finest athlete I have ever seen play."

The athletic director was very impressed but had to ask the question, "But how is he scholastically?"

The scout replied, "He makes straight A's in every subject. However, I must tell you his B's are a little crooked."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Tuscaloosa

A tourist on his way to Tuscaloosa came to a fork in the road and stopped. There was no sign indicating which route went where.

Spotting a boy by the road, he yelled out, "Hey, kid, does it matter which road I take to Tuscaloosa?"

"Not to me it don't," replied the boy.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

GCF: Tying a Tie

Shortly after reporting to the 101st Airborne Division, we were ordered to fall out in our dress uniforms. Only problem was, I didn't know how to tie a necktie. So I asked the guy in the next bunk for help.

"Sure," he said. "Lie down."

Confused, I lay down on the bunk and he tied my tie. "Sorry, but this is the only way I know how," he said. "Comes from practicing on my father's clients."

"What does your father do?"

"He's a mortician."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

GCF: Office Temperature

In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too low.

The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the temperature below seventy-two degrees or the computers will overheat."

Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Drinking at Lunch

Learning that several of his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during lunch hours, a wise company president issued the following memo:

To All Employees:

If you must drink during lunch, please drink whiskey. It is much better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.
_ ____________________________ _
Found posted in a humor newsgroup (rec.humor.funny) -Tom

GCF: Where's the Cat?

My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd been sowing his wild oats. Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again.

The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes. My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida every winter."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Clean Laffs) -Tom Subscribe to Clean Laffs at the website:

GCF: Wine with Dinner

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle Of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

She poured a small Amount for me to taste, and then our six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website: Subscribe

GCF: Taking Down The Flag

My husband was serving his last few years of military service on active duty with an Army reserve unit. There were three branches of military reserve units at our last duty station. During one month, my husband and his buddy were assigned to take down the flag at the end of the day, which is a very formal affair to watch.

One day my husband and his buddy marched solemnly out to the flag pole and saluted the flag. Then his buddy begin to haul the flag down. After a minute of this and not seeing a flag come down, they both looked up.

The flag had already been taken down.
_ ____________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | | \ \
_( (_ | | _) )_
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Punsters deserve to be \ /
\ _/ drawn and quoted. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Just because I have a short \ /
\ _/ attention span doesn't mean I \_ /
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Don't assume malice for what \ /
\ _/ stupidity can explain. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Sometimes the majority only \ /
\ _/ means that all the fools \_ /
/ / are on the same side. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Plan to be spontaneous. \ /
\ _/ \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Have you noticed that \ \_/ ////
\ / co-workers who have to go \ /
\ _/ outside to smoke, \_ /
/ / work an hour less a day \ \
than the rest of us?
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I wasn't born a fool. \ /
\ _/ It took work to get this way. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / A penny saved is \ /
\ _/ a Congressional \_ /
/ / spending oversight. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Ambidextrose: \ /
\ _/ being able to put sugar in \_ /
/ / your coffee with either hand. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ /The clairvoyant meeting has been \ /
\ _/ canceled due to unforeseen events.\_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / No one is ever totally useless. \ /
\ _/ They can always serve \_ /
/ / as a bad example. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Living on Earth is expensive, \ /
\ _/ but it does include \_ /
/ / a free trip around the sun. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Experience is something you \ /
\ _/ don't get until \_ /
/ / just after you need it. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / There are 24 hours in a day. \ \_/ ////
\ / Do you realize that if there \ /
\ _/ were 24 hours and 15 minutes, \_ /
/ / we could all get enough sleep? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Money: \ /
\ _/ The Mint makes it first, \_ /
/ / and we try to make it last. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / There is much to be \ /
\ _/ thankful for. Right now I am \_ /
/ / thankful that wrinkles don't hurt. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ /Why does a slight tax increase \ \_/ ////
\ / cost you two hundred dollars \ /
\ _/ and a substantial tax cut \_ /
/ / save you thirty cents? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|(\\\\ \_/ / On my income tax 1040 it says \ \_/ ////)
\ / "Check this box if you \ /
\ _/ are blind." \_ /
/ / I wanted to put a check mark \ \
about three inches away.
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / When people tell you how \ /
\ _/ young you look, they are also \_ /
/ / telling you how old you are. \ \
-Cary Grant
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / If it weren't for marriage, \ \_/ ////
\ / men would go through life \ /
\ _/ thinking they had \_ /
/ / no faults at all. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Why are there 5 syllables \ /
\ _/ in the word "monosyllabic"? \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Never argue with a fool. \ /
\ _/ He may be doing the same thing. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If you think nobody cares, \ /
\ _/ miss a couple of payments. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Experience is what you get \ /
\ _/ when you don't get what you want. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / We can't control the wind, \ /
\ _/ but we have the power \_ /
/ / to adjust the sails. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Growing old is mandatory, \ /
\ _/ but growing up is optional. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Dieting is wishful shrinking. \ /
\ _/ \_ /
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Far too many people spend their \ /
\ _/ lives reading the menu instead \_ /
/ / of enjoying the banquet. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Far too many people spend their \ /
\ _/ lives reading the menu instead \_ /
/ / of enjoying the banquet. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Far too many people spend their \ /
\ _/ lives reading the menu instead \_ /
/ / of enjoying the banquet. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Learn from the past. \ \_/ ////
\ / Live for today. \ /
\ _/ Look for tomorrow. \_ /
/ / Take a nap this afternoon. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / A mother is a woman who can \ \_/ ////
\ / bake a cake with six other \ /
\ _/ hands helping her and \_ /
/ / still have it turn out fine. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Computers can never replace \ /
\ _/ human stupidity. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Politicians and diapers \ \_/ ////
\ / have one thing in common. \ /
\ _/ They should both be changed \_ /
/ / regularly and for the same reason. \ \
_ ____________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | | \ \
_( (_ | | _) )_
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_| ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Can't beat those Southern women..
Southern women know their summer weather report:

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know everybody's first name:

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Foat Wuth

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc.., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
one of my favorites
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way....

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, .... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Thanks To Annette
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Thanks To Ron Huett
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I came across this phrase yesterday 'FENDER SKIRTS.'

A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about 'fender skirts' started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like 'curb feelers'

And 'steering knobs.' (AKA) suicide knob, Neckers Knobs.

Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.

Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember 'Continental kits?'

They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them 'emergency brakes?'

At some point 'parking brake' became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with 'emergency brake.'

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the 'foot feed.' Many today do not even know what a clutch is or that the dimmer switch used to be on the floor.

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the 'running board' up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - 'store-bought.' Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

'Coast to coast' is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term 'world wide' for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, 'wall-to-wall' was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase 'in a family way?' It's hard to imagine that the word 'pregnant' was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company, so we had all that talk about stork visits and 'being in a family way' or simply 'expecting.'

Apparently 'brassiere' is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just 'bra' now. 'Unmentionables' probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the 'picture show,' but I considered 'movie' an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - 'rat fink.' Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss - 'percolator.' That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? 'Coffee maker.' How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like 'DynaFlow' and 'Electrolux.' Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with 'SpectraVision!'

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most, 'supper..' Now everybody says 'dinner.' Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts
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Good Old Days

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days and the lower cost of living in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, six oranges, two loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans ... all for a dollar!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore. They got those video cameras everywhere you look."

Received from Laugh & Lift.


Fast Drinker

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers, and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy replies, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy replies, "No money."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Dog Breeds That Just Didn't Make It

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer = Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks (or drools) incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by ... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work with you

Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Crying Husband

One night, a wife wakes up in the middle of the night to find her husband in the kitchen, crying at the kitchen table.

"What's wrong, honey?"

He says, "Remember when we told your father you were pregnant, and he gave me two options: to marry you, or spend ten years in prison?"

"Yes, of course, and we've had several wonderful years of marriage since. But what's wrong?"

"I would have got out of prison today."

Received from Jamie Miles.


Egg Broke

One morning my sister woke up to see her two-year-old son standing beside her bed. He said "Egg broke."

She promptly scolded him. "How many times have I told you not to touch the eggs?"

His immediate reply was "One, two, three..." as he pointed to a finger with each number.

Of course, the scolding was immediately over as she tried to stifle the laughter!

Received from Marie Ingellis.


Companies Merging

Times are tough, so many companies are contemplating mergers and acquisitions. Here are a few to keep an eye on:

(The new company will be called Farewell Honeychild)

(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)

(The new company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

(The new company will be called MMM Good)

(The new company will be called Deere Abi)

(The new company will be called Honey Im Home)

(The new company will be called Mine All Mine)

(The new company will be called Knott NOW)

(The new company will be Zip Audi Do-Da)

(The new company will be called Moron)

Received from Gary Sessions.


Failed Businessman

A man has been in business for many years, and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the rabbi to seek his advice.

The man tells the rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks what he should do. The rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it, and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.

Three months later, the man and his family come back to see the rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit. His wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and their child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue to thank the rabbi for his wonderful advice.

The rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies, "Chapter 11."

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.


Good-Looking Horse

A man wanted to buy a horse from a farmer whose command of the English language was quite limited. The buyer told the farmer he wanted to buy a "good-looking horse."

They walked to the stable, and the buyer pointed to a specific horse that he wanted to buy.

The farmer replied, "But that is not a good-looking horse."

The buyer said, "But it is a good-looking horse."

The farmer insisted, "No, it is not a good-looking horse!"

I spite of the farmers protests, and obviously thinking that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the buyer bought the horse.

The next day he returned, furious, saying, "That horse you sold me is blind!"

The farmer replied, "I told you it is not a good-looking horse!"

Received from Retief de Villiers.


Lower Animal Instincts

In the middle of one of Henry Ward Beecher's most potent political speeches, a member of the crowd gave a perfect imitation of a cock crowing. While the audience roared with laughter, the speaker gave no sign of annoyance, but he removed his watch and studied it while the noise died down.

"That's odd," Beecher said at last. "My watch says it's ten o'clock, but there can't be any mistake. It must be morning, for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible."

Received from Ed.



A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Lost & Found

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Last Name Usage

On my first day in basic training, we were lined up in a row, each of us in turn having to shout our last names.

After the guy next to me had yelled, "Florence," it was my turn. I had no sooner called out my name when the training instructor was in my face, demanding to know if I was some kind of smart aleck. Satisfied that I wasn't, the red-faced TI told me never to stand next to that guy again.

-- By Charles W. Nightingale



Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying, 'It's a madhouse.'"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Losing Weight

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.

"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Good News and Bad News

A newspaper editor offered a reward for people who phoned in with news stories.

The editor received a call from someone saying that a truck had lost its brakes on a hill and, after picking up great speed, had crashed into and demolished a house.

"I'm not interested," he said. "That sort of thing happens all the time. It's not news."

"I know what you mean, and I thought you might feel that way, but you'll probably be more interested," said the caller, "when I tell you that it was your house."

Received from Time2Chooz.


The Littlest Informant

As a recently divorced police officer, and new to the dating scene, I was thrilled but slightly intimidated to be dating a lovely woman with a young daughter.

Parenting was new to me, however, and it constantly tripped me up. One evening, as I belted the little girl into her safety seat, she shocked me by asking, "Do you and mommy kiss?"

I stalled for time, looking to her mother for clues, and I asked, "Uh, well, uh, why do you ask, honey?" to which the little angel replied, with her nose crinkled in disgust, "Mommy and BOB do!"

Guess I'm not the only one tripped up by parenting...

Received from Anonymous.


Taxing Cinderella

The tax adviser had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

Received from Clean Laffs.


Tax Loophole

How do you know you've met a good tax accountant?

He has a loophole named after him.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new employee who never arrived at work on time. I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable and that other employees had noticed that she was walking in late every day.

After listening to my complaints, she agreed that this was a problem and even offered a solution. "Is there another door I could use?"

-- Contributed to Reader's Digest, "All In a Day's Work," by Barbara Davies

Received from Ed.


New Perfume

After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance.

The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


New Light Switch

My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.

"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found."

I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


The Oldest Profession

A surgeon, an architect, and a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest. The surgeon says, "Surgery is the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve, and you can't go back further than that."

The architect says, "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in seven days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"

The lawyer puffs his cigar and says, "Gentlemen, gentlemen -- who do you think created the CHAOS?"

Received from Pete Sawyer.


The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors, and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Received from Martha Mc.


Stay on the Line

I called my local utility for help with a minor malfunction in my outdoor gas grill. Their automated phone system put me on hold for over 20 minutes.

As I waited, I was grateful my problem wasn't worse -- especially when I heard a pre-recorded message repeatedly advise, "If you smell gas, stay on the line."

-- Contributed to Reader's Digest, "Life in These United States," by Herb Gitlin

Received from Ed.


New Dictionary

While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.

I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'" He got his new dictionary.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Children's Views on Love


"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." (Wendy, age 8)


"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." (Andrew, age 6)

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Mae, age 7)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Manuel, age 8)


"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (John, age 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Glenn, age 7)


"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Anita C., age 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Brian, age 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, age 9)


"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." (Greg, age 8)


"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." (Arnold, age 10)

"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." (Sherm, age 8)


"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Gavin, age 8)

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." (John, age 9)


"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." (Jill, age 6)

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." (Floyd, age 9)

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree." (Carey, age 7)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Dave, age 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, age 10)


"Sensitivity don't hurt." (Robbie, age 8)

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, age 8)


"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, age 6)

"Shake your hips and hope for the best." (Camille, age 9)

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." (Manuel, age 8)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, age 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, age 9)


"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (Bobby, age 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Bart, age 9)

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." (Sarah)

"See if the man has lipstick on his face." (Sandra, age 7)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire." (Christine, age 9)


"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, age 9)

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." (Dick, age 7)


"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, age 8)


"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." (Julia, age 7)

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Brian, age 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, age 9)


"When they're rich." (Pam, age 7)

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it." (Tammy, age 7)

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." (Roger, age 6)

"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." (Dave, age 8)


"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Dick, age 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love."

Received from Robert W.E. Jentzsch.


Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day

/* Snopes says this is not a true story... but it's still funny! Have a great day! */

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews, and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood, objecting to the ruling and saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

Received from Max2mus.


Cow's Advice

A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.

"Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



Our chiropractor, seeking a new name for his practice, decided to sponsor a contest and asked his patients to enter. One idea didn't win, but rightfully earned an honorable mention: "The Twist and Shout."

From Reader's Digest, "All in a Day's Work"

Received from Ed.


Cattle Guards

It was reported years ago that a Washington bureaucrat sent a letter to the state of New Mexico requesting the number of cattle guards in the state. The state promptly responded and was told by Washington, "That's too many. You'll have to fire about half of them."

(A cattle guard is an obstruction in a gate that allows vehicles to pass but not cattle.)

Received from John Webb.


Doctor's Fee

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the man's life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Gift Giving

Gifts for Children - "This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they'll tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift."

- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

Received from Laugh-A-Lot.


Do You Serve Lawyers?

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Economic Stimulus Payment Explained

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children are expected to repay the Chinese.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Oh, be quiet.

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Elderly Flyer

Today in the Arthritis Pool Exercise Class, a 90-year-old lady said, "I'm flying to Chicago for Thanksgiving, and they probably will charge me extra for being an 'old bag'!"

Received from Jean Wilcox.


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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Column - - - - South African Pinot’s Too Pricey? Blame The Baboons.

Are you a wine aficionado? A fan of pinot noir? Apparently baboons like pinot too, which is providing quite a challenge for South African vineyard owners and winemakers.

Largely undeterred by electric fences, hundreds of wild baboons in South Africa’s prized wine country are finding the vineyards of ripe, succulent grapes to be an “absolute bonanza,” said Justin O’Riain of the University of Cape Town.

Winemakers have resorted to using noisemakers and rubber snakes to try to drive the baboons off during harvest season.

That brings me to my latest limerick:

Though South African wine can be fine,
There’s a threat to each grape growing vine.
Cuz baboons enjoy feeding
On grapes. Their fave eating
Is prized pinot noir — that’s the whine.

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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TOURBUS Vol 15, Number 57
27 APR 2010
80,000 Riders in Over 100 Countries

Sell Your Car Online / Online Colleges Accredited? / Microsoft KIN / Speakers for Laptop / Free Laptop Scam? / Geekly Update / Antivirus for Smartphones? In today's TOURBUS, I've got some money saving tips about How To Sell Your Car Online, and how to find out if your Online College is Accredited. Also, the scoop on the Microsoft KIN SmartPhone, and a guide to buying Portable Speakers for a Laptop or notebook.

Hey... Did You Really Win a Free Laptop? Or is it a scam? And don't miss this week's Geekly Update, it's guaranteed to make your Facebook friends like you more. Oh, and does your Smartphone Need Antivirus Software? Read on!

How To Sell Your Car Online
When it's time sell a car, many people turn to the Web to unload their old clunkers. The good news is there are some excellent online resources to help. I've put together a tutorial and a handful of websites that will guide you through the process of determining a good asking price, figuring out where to advertise, and avoiding the potential pitfalls.
Here is a cogent guide to finding out what your used car is worth, and selling a car online...

Are Online Colleges Accredited?
It's true that college degrees, professional certifications, and continuing education credits are available online. And studying at home can be an efficient and cost-effective way to get the education you need to advance your career. Provided the online college with which you study is accredited, of course. If not, your hard work could be all for naught.
Here's the scoop on accreditation, and how to find out if an online college is accredited...

Microsoft KIN SmartPhone
Microsoft recently announced two versions of a new Windows smartphone aimed at social networkers. Dubbed the KIN, this phone targets your "kin" -- family and friends with whom you want to share information, photos, videos, etc. By combining your Facebook, MySpace and Twitter feeds all in one place, the KIN can simplify your social networking interactions.
But is the KIN really a smart phone, or a dumb idea? Read on...

Speakers for Laptop Or Notebook
Many people use a laptop or notebook computer as their primary computer, eschewing the bulk and immobility of desktop machines. But they also like their music and videos. However, the speakers that come with most portable computers are just a step above terrible.
Here are some tips on selecting a set of great portable speakers for your laptop or netbook, and some product recommendations...

Did You Really Win a Free Laptop?
A reader asked: "Today a flashing popup appeared on my screen saying I was the 999,999 visitor and I should claim my free laptop. I was afraid to click on it, because I assumed it was a scam or possibly a virus trap. But I guess anything is possible... is there any truth to this free laptop thing?" That was enough to set off my red flags.
So I decided to dig in to the details of the free laptop offer and find out how it works...

The Geekly Update
Can HP's new DesignJet 3D printer create a hamburger and fries on demand? McAfee security software attacks the Windows operating system as a virus -- were Linux fans proved right? And has the US government finally made that old "is your refrigerator running" phone prank illegal?
Get answers to these questions, and a guaranteed 146% more retweets, just by reading the most recent installments of the Geekly Update...

Antivirus for Smartphones?
Smartphones can do many of things that computers do - even catch viruses and other malware. With millions of people storing sensitive personal information on smartphones and using them to check email, surf the Web, and conduct financial business, it's not surprising that bad guys are writing malware that targets phones.
Does your Blackberry, iPhone, or Android smartphone need anti-virus protection?

That's all for now, see you next time!
-- Bob Rankin
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The Pump Handle. A water cooler for the public health crowd.

Using Facebook to react to MSHA chief’s latest on Massey investigation

May 7, 2010 in Confined Space @ TPH, MSHA, Mining, Occupational Health & Safety | by Celeste Monforton | Leave a comment

I can’t keep up with Ken Ward Jr.’s coverage of the trouble brewing, battle, strong difference of opinion between Secretary Hilda Solis/MSHA Asst. Secretary Joe Main and the United Mine Workers (UMWA), family members of deceased coal miners and journalists about the Department of Labor’s decision to have closed-door interviews of witnesses as part of the Massey Upper Big Branch disaster investigation.

Lest you think the press and blogs are the only way to take the pulse of the public, think again. Mr. Dennis O’Dell, the current UMWA H&S director, is sharing his disgust about MSHA’s decision on the social media site Facebook. His commentary begins:

May 2 (3:07 pm): “The UMWA has been asked by miners at Upper Big Branch to be their Representatives during the investigation. There are those out there who want to ice us out of the interviews. What happened to transparency? If there is nothing to hide then why keep us out. What about a Public Hearing?”

May 6 (8:27 am): “Ok so here is the deal..the UMWA,Upper Big Branch family members, the media, the WV Coal Board, and even Massey has asked for open public hearings on the UBB investigation. What does MSHA do…”

Read the rest of this entry »[]
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Weekly Toll _ _
Death In The Workplace w/News & Updates
John Donne _ ...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

2 Workers Are Killed in Kentucky Mine Collapse - - April 29, Providence, Kentucky — Two miners were killed when a roof collapsed in a coal mine with a long history of safety problems. Gov. Steven L. Beshear identified the miners as Justin Travis, 27, and Michael Carter, 28. The collapse happened late Wednesday at the Dotiki Mine near Providence, in western Kentucky. Carl Boone, district supervisor for the United States Mine Safety and Health Administration, said the investigation into the collapse would begin as soon as the mine was deemed safe to enter.

Worker dies in house renovation project - - April 29, Charlotte, North Carolina - Federal officials are investigating the death earlier this week of a man working on a house renovation project in Charlotte's Eastover neighborhood. Police say Christopher Brent Belk, 39, of Charlotte, was killed when he fell from the roof of a two-story house in the 600 block of Cherokee Place. The incident happened about 2:45 p.m. Tuesday. The house was under renovation, and authorities say investigators from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration are looking into the incident. Such investigations are customary in workplace fatalities.

Man found dead after fire at Phoenix business - - April 26, Phoenix, Arizona - Firefighters found the body of a slain man while fighting a blaze in a Phoenix industrial business Thursday morning, officials said. The victim, 64-year-old employee Angel Morales, was responsible for opening up the building-materials business in the morning, said Sgt. Tommy Thompson, a spokesman for the Phoenix Police Department. The fire alarm went off about 5 a.m., and crews arrived at the building near 35th Avenue and Buckeye Road to find water coming out of it and signs of forced entry, Thompson said.

Man killed in trench collapse identified - - April 29, Salem Township, Pennsylvania - The scene at a trench collapse that killed one man and injured a second on Thursday morning. The man who died today in a trench collapse in Salem Township has been identified as James Berry, 35, of Berwick. An autopsy is scheduled for Friday morning, Luzerne County Coroner John Corcoran said. Berry was trapped when the seven-feet deep trench collapsed around 8:45 a.m. off Route 11. His body was finally extricated around 2:30 p.m., Corcoran said.

Subway worker dies in third rail accident - - April 26, New York City, New York - A subway worker from East Rockaway working on rain-slicked tracks died Monday when he touched the high-voltage third rail, according to MTA officials. James Knell, a veteran MTA New York City Transit supervisor, was on elevated tracks at the Beach 90th Street Station in Rockaway at about 4:30 a.m. when he was electrocuted, according to MTA officials. "There is speculation that he slipped...

Family mourns railroad conductor killed in yard accident - - April 24, Chicago, Illinois - Melinda Carter lit up her mother's eyes recently when she talked about plans to buy a home in the southwest suburbs. But the bigger surprise was that Carter wanted her parents to sell their home in a rough Far South Side neighborhood and come live with her. "She said, ‘You're going to come move with me, you and daddy.' And that's what she always wanted ... to take care of her family," said her mother, Delois Carter. But on Saturday, family and friends gathered to mourn Melinda Carter's death. The 36-year-old train yard conductor for CSX Corp. was killed Friday night when she was tossed from a locomotive and struck by it. Carter was conducting routine switching operations while cars were being moved to prepare them for delivery, officials said. The accident occurred on the company's grounds near 134th Street and Ashland Avenue in Riverdale and an investigation is ongoing, a CSX spokesman said.
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NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed since our last Bleat was published. These records can be found at

01. Sgt. Joel D. Clarkson, 23, of Fairbanks, Alaska, died March 16 at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center, Germany, of wounds sustained March 13 during combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 75th Ranger Regiment, Joint Base Lewis-McChord, Wash.

02. Chief Petty Officer Adam Brown, 36, of Hot Springs, Ark., died March 18 in Afghanistan. He was assigned to an East Coast -based SEAL Team.

03. Spc. Robert M. Rieckhoff, 26, of Kenosha, Wis., died March 18 in Baghdad, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked his unit with rocket-propelled grenade fire. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 15th Field Artillery Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 10th Mountain Division (Light Infantry), Fort Drum, N.Y.

04. Lance Cpl. Justin J. Wilson, 24, of Palm City, Fla., died March 22 while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to 3rd Battalion, 10th Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

05. Sgt. 1st Class Carlos M. Santos-Silva, 32, of Clarksville, Tenn., died March 22 in Kandahar province, Afghanistan of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked his vehicle with an improvised explosive device. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 508th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C.

The Department of Defense announced today the deaths of two Marines who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. The following Marines died March 24 while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan:
06. Sgt. Maj. Robert J. Cottle, 45, of Whittier, Calif.
07. Lance Cpl. Rick J. Centanni, 19, of Yorba Linda, Calif.
Cottle and Centanni were assigned to 4th Light Armored Reconnaissance Battalion, 4thMarine Division, Marine Forces Reserve, based out of Camp Pendleton, Calif.

08. Lance Cpl. Jacob A. Ross, 19, of Gillette, Wyo., died March 24, while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

09. Lance Cpl. Randy M. Heck, 20, of Steubenville, Ohio, died March 28 from a non-hostile incident in Djibouti, Africa. He was assigned to 2nd Light Armored Reconnaissance Battalion, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.
10. Spc. James L. Miller, 21, of Yakima, Wash., died March 29 in Dashat, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked his vehicle with an improvised explosive device. He was assigned to the 4th Battalion, 23rd Infantry Regiment, 5th Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division, Joint Base Lewis-McChord, Wash.

11. Pfc. Raymond N. Pacleb, 31, of Honolulu, Hawaii, died March 29 in Baghdad, Iraq, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 487th Field Artillery Regiment, Wahiawa, Hawaii.

The Department of Defense announced today the death of two Marines who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. The following Marines died April 1 while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan:
12. Lance Cpl. Tyler O. Griffin, 19, of Voluntown, Conn.
13. Sgt. Frank J. World, 25, of Buffalo, N.Y.
Griffin was assigned to 1st Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.
World was assigned to 2nd Light Armored Reconnaissance Battalion, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

14. Staff Sgt. Scott W. Brunkhorst, 25, Fayetteville, N.C., died March 30 in the Arghandab River Valley, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when enemy forces attacked his unit with an improvised explosive device. He was assigned to 2nd Battalion, 508th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C.

15. Lance Cpl. Curtis M. Swenson, 20, of Rochester, Minn., died April 2 while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to 1st Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment, 3rd Marine Division, III Marine Expeditionary Force, Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii.

16. Sgt. Kurt E. Kruize, 35, of Hancock, Minn., died April 4 in Baghdad, Iraq of injuries sustained in a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 367th Engineer Battalion, St. Cloud, Minn.

The Department of Defense announced today the deaths of two airmen who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. They died April 9 near Kandahar, Afghanistan, in a crash of a CV-22 Osprey. They were assigned to the 8th Special Operations Squadron, Hurlburt Field, Fla.
Killed were:
17. Maj. Randell D. Voas, 43, of Lakeville, Minn.
18. Senior Master Sgt. James B. Lackey, 45, of Green Clove Springs, Fla.

The Department of Defense announced today the deaths of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died April 7 in Mosul, Iraq, when enemy forces attacked their vehicle with an improvised explosive device. The soldiers were assigned to the 1st Battalion, 64th Armor Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, Fort Stewart, Ga. Killed were:
19. 1st Lt. Robert W. Collins, 24, of Tyrone, Ga., and .
20. Pfc. William A. Blount, 21, of Petal, Miss.

21. Sgt. Roberto E. Diaz Borio, 47, of San Juan, Puerto Rico, died April 8 in Mombassa, Kenya. The circumstances of his death are under investigation. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 65th Infantry Regiment, 92nd Maneuver Enhancement Brigade, Cayay, Puerto Rico.

22. Sgt. Sean M. Durkin, 24, of Aurora, Colo. died April 9 at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked his vehicle with an improvised explosive device near Forward Operating Base Wilson, Afghanistan, on March 27. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 12th Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, Fort Carson, Colo.

23. Spc. Joseph T. Caron, 21, of Tacoma, Wash., died April 11 in Char Bagh, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when insurgents attacked his unit using an improvised explosive device. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 508th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C.

24. Cpl. Michael D. Jankiewicz, 23, of Ramsey, N.J., died April 9 in Zabul, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when the CV-22 Osprey he was flying in crashed. He was assigned to the 3rd Battalion, 75th Ranger Regiment, Fort Benning, Ga.

25. Pfc. Jonathon D. Hall, 23, of Chattanooga, Tenn., died April 8, at the Landstuhl Regional Medical Center, Landstuhl, Germany, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked his vehicle with an improvised explosive device at Contingency Outpost Khayr-Kot-Castle, Afghanistan. He was assigned to the 3rd Battalion, 187th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault), Fort Campbell, Ky.

26. Sgt. Randolph A. Sigley, 28, of Richmond, Ky., died April 18 in Bagram, Afghanistan. The circumstances of his death are under investigation. He was assigned to the 2123rd Transportation Company, Richmond, Ky.

27. Sgt. Michael K. Ingram Jr., 23, of Monroe, Mich., died April 17 in Kandahar, Afghanistan of wounds suffered when an improvised explosive device detonated near his dismounted patrol. He was assigned to 1st Battalion, 12th Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, Fort Carson, Colo.

28. Staff Sgt. James R. Patton, 23, of Fort Benning, Ga., died April 18 in Tikrit, Iraq, of injuries sustained as the result of a helicopter crash. He was assigned to the 3rd Battalion, 75th Ranger Regiment, Fort Benning, Ga.

29. Pfc. Charlie C. Antonio, 28, of Kahului, Hawaii, died April 18 in Annassar, Iraq, of injuries suffered in a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 8th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, Fort Carson, Colo.

30. Sgt. Robert J. Barrett, 20, of Fall River, Mass., died April 19 in Kabul, Afghanistan, of injuries sustained when a suicide bomber attacked his unit. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 101st Field Artillery Regiment, Fall River, Mass.

31. Command Sgt. Maj. John K. Laborde, 53, of Waterloo, Iowa, died April 22 at Kandahar Air Field, Afghanistan, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 649th Regional Support Group, Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

32. Staff Sgt. Christopher D. Worrell, 35, of Virginia Beach, Va., died April 22 in Baghdad, Iraq, of injuries sustained during a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 702nd Combat Support Battalion, 4th Stryker Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division, Joint Base Lewis-McChord, Wash.

The Department of Defense announced today the deaths of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. They died April 23 in Logar province, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained while conducting combat operations. Both soldiers were assigned to the 3rd Battalion, 75th Ranger Regiment, Fort Benning, Ga. Killed were:
33. Sgt. Ronald A. Kubik, 21, of Brielle, N.J., and .
34. Sgt. Jason A. Santora, 25, of Farmingville, N.Y.

35. Lance Cpl. Thomas E. Rivers Jr., 22, of Birmingham, Ala., died April 28 while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to 1st Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

36. Sgt. Grant A. Wichmann, 27, of Golden, Colo., died April 24 at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, Washington, D.C., of wounds sustained March 12 when enemy forces attacked his unit using small arms fire at Out Post Bari Alai, Afghanistan. He was assigned to the 3rd Squadron, 61st Cavalry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, Fort Carson, Colo.

37. Sgt. Keith A. Coe, 30, of Auburndale, Fla., died April 27 in Khalis, Iraq, of wounds suffered when enemy forces attacked his unit with an explosive device. He was assigned to 1st Battalion, 37th Field Artillery Regiment, 3rd Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division, Joint Base Lewis-McChord, Wash.

38. Sgt. Nathan P. Kennedy, 24, of Claysville, Pa., died April 27, of wounds sustained when enemy forces attacked his unit using small arms fire near Quarando Village, Afghanistan. He was assigned to 2nd Battalion, 12th Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, Fort Carson, Colo.

39. 1st Lt. Salvatore S. Corma, 24, of Wenonah, N.J., died April 29 at Forward Operating Base Bullard, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when insurgents attacked his unit using improvised explosive devices. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 508th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C.

40. Sgt. Anthony O. Magee, 29, of Hattiesburg, Miss., died April 27 at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center, of wounds sustained April 24 when enemy forces attacked his unit with indirect fire at Contingency Operating Base Kalsu, Iskandariyah, Iraq. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 69th Armor Regiment, 3rd Heavy Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division, Fort Benning, Ga.

41. Airman 1st Class Austin H. Gates Benson, 19, of Hellertown, Pa., died May 3 of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident near Khyber, Afghanistan. He was assigned to the 54th Combat Communications Squadron at Robins Air Force Base, Ga.

42. Sgt. Ralph Mena, 27, of Hutchinson, Kan., died May 4 in Tikrit, Iraq, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to 72nd Expeditionary Signal Battalion, 7th Signal Brigade, 5th Signal Command, Mannheim, Germany.

43. Master Sgt. Mark W. Coleman, 40, of Centerville, Wash., died May 2 at Khakrez, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when enemy forces attacked his unit with an improvised explosive device. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 1st Special Forces Group, Joint Base Lewis-McChord, Wash.

44. 1st Lt. Brandon A. Barrett, 27, of Marion, Ind., died May 5 while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to 1st Battalion, 6th Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

45. Spc. Eric M. Finniginam, 26, of Colonia, Federated States of Micronesia, died May 1 at Forward Operating Base Blessing, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when insurgents attacked his unit using indirect fire. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 12th Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, Fort Carson, Colo.

46. Spc. Wade A. Slack, 21, of Waterville, Maine, died May 6 at Jaghatu, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when insurgents attacked his unit using indirect fire. He was assigned to the 707th Ordnance Company (Explosive Ordnance Disposal), Joint Base Lewis-McChord, Wash.

47. Lance Cpl. Richard R. Penny, 21, of Fayetteville, Ark., died May 6 while supporting combat operations in Helmand province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to 1st Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

48. Staff Sgt. Esau S.A. Gonzales, 30, of White Deer, Texas, died May 3 in Mosul, Iraq, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 38th Explosive Ordnance Disposal Company, Fort Stewart, Ga.
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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Scheduled Activities
Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there.
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance _ 234_7371 (24 Hour)
Jail _ 234_5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control _ 800_222_1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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Interested in getting in touch with the Banner_News through e_mail?
E_mail addresses for communicating with the newspaper’s various departments are: For the editor, For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events.
advertising@bannernews. net For retail and classified advertising.
circulation@bannernews. net To start, stop or cancel newspaper delivery or for comments about delivery.
outfitters For Office Outfitters, the office supply division of the Banner_News.
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
Ezek 34:21-22 Psa 119:163-168 Heb 10:15-17 Gen 14:21-23 Job 23:14-16 John 5:5-8 Acts 27:20-22,25 Rom 3:10-17 2 Chr 20:2-4 Psa 9:9-11 Luke 1:35-37 Psa 32:3-5 Prov 22:8 Prov 6:1-5 Micah 7:2-3 Psa 85:1-4 Psa 94:17-19 Job 40:3- 4 Psa 86:12-15 Psa 126:5-6 Zec 1:1-3 Gal 5:13-16 Isa 30:20-21 Acts 26:9-11 Eccl 12:13-14 Isa 43:11-13 Psa 78:26-29 Titus 2:1-3
Heb 4:7
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

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Blossom Festival Steak Cook off is Coming. This year with 83 cooking teams. Be There or Be Square.

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