Sunday, January 10, 2010

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Greens Keeper

Volume 12, Issue 02 Friday, January 08, 2010

Hello All,

The war is not far away. It’s as close as our friends and fellow believers. Last week [12/30/09] in Afghanistan, a suicide bomber got into one of the CIA's most important intelligence-gathering outposts and killed seven Central Intelligence Agency employees and contractors. One of them was former SEAL Jeremy Jason Wise, 35, who lived in Virginia Beach with his wife, Dana. He was working as security contractor after leaving the Navy in 2009. A funeral is expected to be held in the coming days. []
Wise was the son of Dr. Jean and Mary Wise, of Hope, and a native of California, who enlisted in the U.S. Navy in 2001. The family was en route to Virginia Beach, Va., during the weekend.

Jeremy Wise was separated from the U.S. Navy in 2009, according to the Naval Special Warfare Group Two, Joint Expeditionary Base Little Creek, Virginia Beach, Virginia. “Our condolences go out to the Wise family during what has to be a difficult time; Jeremy will be missed by his friends and former team members here at Special Warfare.”

In a 2003 interview in the Hope Star, Wise said that he joined the SEALs after completing a degree in biology and two years of medical school studies. “I’m not the salty old frogman,” Wise said in that interview. “But, you definitely learn to be part of the team; there is no Rambo; there is no tough, macho guy. It’s all about being part of the team.”

Forward Operating Base Chapman, where Wise was working as a security contractor at the time of the attack, is a former military facility which is now used primarily as a Central Intelligence Agency base of operations in Afghanistan. It is located in the Khost province, which borders Pakistan and is considered a stronghold area of the Taliban insurgency in Afghanistan, according to the Associated Press. The AP reported the Taliban took credit for the attack that took the lives of CIA employees and injured six other individuals in the gymnasium on the base.

AP reported Thursday that FOB Chapman housed military personnel working on what is known as a Provincial Reconstruction Team, a civilian-military unit designed to secure and develop areas of Afghanistan.
Posted January 3rd, 2010 by USNavySeals - - Yet another former Navy SEAL lost his life in Afghanistan. Jeremy Wise from Virginia Beach was a security contractor working in Khost, Afghanistan, and was among those who perished in the suicide bombing at Forward Operating Base Chapman. The attack was said to be in retaliation for the drone attacks launched by the CIA that claimed the lives of several Taliban leaders. The suicide bomber, the Taliban claimed, is a CIA operative who has switched allegiances and has sided with the Taliban.
Jeremy’s two brothers are also in the military. One is currently stationed in Afghanistan and the other is scheduled to go there this spring. I remember the Wise boys as blond headed kids running around Children’s Church.
(John 15:13-Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.)
We don't deserve the sacrifices of these fine young men and women.
Much of the news this week centered on another month of nationwide job losses. Calls for the feds to do more are mounting. Has anyone considered that the job losses may be due to things the feds have done? Maybe we need a quarter or two of the government NOT doing anything.
That might give business a chance to climb out of the recession and start creating jobs.
Arkansas is one of the few states with a budget in the black. Because our state constitution requires it. I don’t have much hope for the other states that are drowning in red ink. Their governments probably aren’t going to be able to make the hard choices required to get out of debt. And I can see them succeeding in getting the feds (us) to bail them out. Of course, they’ll just go back under again as there’s nothing to keep them from going back into debit spending.
Becky, the “Wrist Nazi” is doing a great job working with me. I took my pain pill before today’s session and only whimpered while she worked on my wrist. After two sessions we’ve seen improvement in my range of motion and I’m already able to grip some light objects. Still can’t tie my shoes but nurse Annette is handling that chore for me.
Ethan spent a couple of days with us. Everyone needs to enjoy a four year old once in a while. If nothing else, he’ll get you up and moving; "mammaw, papaw . . . open your eyeballs. let’s go get a toy."
Annette is addicted to the grandkids new dollar store toy. It’s a book with 1,000 questions on history and science. You’re supposed to be able to enter the question number and an answer (a, b, c, or d) and it will tell you if you’re correct. However, the device doesn’t work so Annette has been looking up the answers on the internet. This will enable Vanessa to use the book for Josiah’s school.
Raymond Robertson is running for state representative in 2010. Raymond is well known in Taylor as a fine businessman, and community leader. He would do a GREAT job for us in Little Rock.
You’re missing a feast for the mind and spirit if you’re not reading Jimmy’s blog []
Be the kind of person who, when their feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says "Oh no, they’re up!" Thanks to Martha Chapman
~~~~~ - - Miracle On Hudson Leads To Love Story
Of course you know about the Miracle on The Hudson story where Captain Chesley Sullenberger last January safely landed on the Hudson River. But did you know that incredible experience has led to a love story for two of the passengers? Love a good love story!
Watch Video >> []
America is not at war. The military is at war. - - America is at the mall, or watching the movie stars.
Each week the Defense Department highlights military personnel who have gone above and beyond in the war. [] - - Kathryn Van Auken and Lauralee Flannery - - Awarded: The Bronze Star with ‘Valor’

U.S. Army Lieutenant Colonel Kathryn Van Auken and Major Lauralee Flannery were awarded the Bronze Star with "V" for valor for their sustained courage and heroic performance of duties while serving in Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Van Auken and Flannery had been serving together in Iraq in support of a Kuwait Exploitation Team’s objective to secure, safe guard and assist a Kuwait forensic team in the recovery of the remains of Kuwaiti Prisoners of War and Missing from the end of the 1991 Gulf War.

Van Auken and Flannery were traveling together in the lead vehicle on February 14, 2007. They had been tasked with escorting the Kuwait Forensic Team’s convoy of 12 vehicles.

It was approximately 7:30 a.m. when the middle four vehicles of the convoy were hit with the largest planned improvised explosive device (IED) attack that had been recorded up until that time.

Ten daisy-chained 155mm mortar rounds had been buried under the raised causeway they were traveling on, south of Razzazah Lake in the vicinity of Karbala, Iraq.

When these IEDs exploded three vehicles were destroyed, and passengers -- disoriented and bleeding -- began exiting their vehicles.

"We both exited our vehicle," Van Auken said. "[MAJ Flannery] headed east and I headed west trying to gather up everyone and secure both ends of the roadway against secondary attacks."

As team leader, Van Auken deployed rapidly, undertaking a multiplicity of actions, quickly radioing instructions to move all vehicles through the smoke and debris and to follow her vehicle into safety away from the IED site to avoid secondary devices.

In this highly fluid situation, vehicles became disabled. Van Auken and Flannery quickly ordered the destroyed vehicles to be pushed out of the kill zone by follow on vehicles in the convoy in order to assemble the team and get everyone to a safe and secure distance.

Van Auken then maneuvered the front column of Polish security elements and Korean Engineer vehicles into security postures along west side of the raised causeway with great speed and determination gaining the advantage against any follow-on IED or possible ambush.

Both soldiers reacted fearlessly and without hesitation, running alone down the west end of the roadway to halt any oncoming traffic, orienting Iraqi vehicles to block the road, dismissing large crowds gathering, and re-positioning Polish security forces to assist.

The team provided medical assistance to their Kuwaiti team members who had been badly cut with glass and debris, and who were vomiting and shaking on the side of the road from the shocking experience.

Their actions provided an example of urgency and purpose to fellow coalition forces, and their courage under fire unquestionably saved the lives of coalition forces, particularly the civilians in their charge.

" We are battle buddies to the end," Van Auken said.
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.

The Canadian military apparently is Censoring Afghanistan. []

U.S. soldiers are fighting under Canadian leadership in Afghanistan. If the Canadian military chooses censorship, they are in for a rough 2010.

Will be out of contact for about 36 hours; am boarding a flight from Hong Kong to the United States. Will finish a major dispatch on the plane.

Much information is being published on Face book [] but not on the main site.
Sad news reaches us today from Afghanistan. The Canadians have lost five, including four soldiers and a journalist. Other reports say that we lost eight of our own CIA people. Deepest condolences to the Canadians, our people at CIA, and their families.
While many people celebrate the New Year, others will begin the year with no joy. Some will embark on 2010 knowing they will fight through the year, unless the hand of God reaches down and takes them home. Tonight, I will watch the ball drop from Hong Kong with only silence and no celebration.

Please see the final dispatch for 2009: Into Thine Hand []

Your Writer,

Michael Yon

Please remember that this website accepts no advertisement and is dependent on your support.
Very Respectfully,

PS Please sign up for my updates at "Michael_Yon" [] (not Michael Yon).

We’ve Recently Watched:
All About Steve [6.4]
Star Wars: Episode III [7.0]
Robin and Marian [3.1]
A Walk in the Clouds [8.0]
Timeline [7.5]
Familiar Strangers [6.0]
Kate & Leopold [8.0]
The Strange Love of Martha Ivers [6.6]
Free Zone [4.6]
A Little Romance [6.8]
The Buccaneers [7.6]
It Happened One Night [9.9]
Campion: [7.2]
Sherlock Holmes: The Eligible Bachelor [7.5]
Inspector Alleyn [7.2]
We’ve recently read:
Hollowing out the middle : the rural brain drain and what it means for America / Patrick J. Carr, Maria J. Kefalas. [9]
Body of lies / Iris Johansen. [9]
Free fire / C.J. Box. [8]
Savage run / C.J. Box. [8]
Blood trail / C.J. Box. [8]
Three weeks to say goodbye / C.J. Box. [8]
Below zero / C.J. Box. [8] 2009
Hell's aquarium, bk.4 / Steve Alten. [7]
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include photos of Ethan at his birthday party.
We’ve now got several addresses on the web for "Da Bleat." For the latest issue, go to Other issues can be seen at
Our photos are posted at
If you want to see photos of the April ’08 train wreck in Magnolia, go to
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
Be sure and keep Dr. Pat Antoon and his lovely wife Mandy in your prayers.
Recipe(s) of the week - - Mississippi Caviar - - With its sprightly, fresh taste, this salsa is perfect with chips or as a side to chicken, beef or eggs.

1 (15-ounce) can black-eye peas, drained
1 (15-ounce) can black beans, drained
1 (15-ounce) can whole kernel corn, drained
2 large tomatoes, seeded and diced
1 medium onion, diced
1 medium green bell pepper, diced
3 tablespoons minced garlic (about 8 cloves)
½ bunch cilantro, chopped (about ½ cup)
1 jalapeño pepper, seeded and finely chopped
Juice of 1 lime
1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1 (.7-ounce) package dry Italian dressing mix (such as Good Seasons)
½ cup extra-virgin olive oil
½ cup vinegar

1. Combine first 11 ingredients (peas through seasoning) in a large bowl. Stir well.
2. Combine dressing mix, oil and vinegar. Pour over pea mixture. Stir well. Chill at least 2 hours. Serve with tortilla chips. Makes about 8 cups.

Recipe courtesy of Patricia Griffith, Southern Oven Foods, Relish the Holiday, "A Baking Heritage," December 2008.
Nutritional Information
Per (½-cup) serving: 130 calories, 7g fat, 0mg chol., 4g prot., 14g carbs., 3g fiber, 430mg sodium.
Beef and Black Bean Wraps - - Makes 6 servings

Amount Per Serving
Calories 322.6
Total Carbs 37.1 g
Dietary Fiber 6.7 g
Sugars 3.8 g
Total Fat 10.8 g
Saturated Fat 3.9 g
Unsaturated Fat 6.9 g
Potassium 317.7 mg
Protein 20.3 g
Sodium 552.4 mg

Dietary Exchanges 1 Meat, 2 Starch, 1 Vegetable

Whole wheat tortillas filled with seasoned beef, black beans, cheese, and lettuce.

Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Difficulty: EASY

8oz extra lean ground beef (5% fat)
1cup fresh chopped onion (2 medium onions)
2medium garlic cloves , minced
1 1/2tsp ground cumin
1tsp chili powder
1/2tsp ground coriander
15oz low sodium canned black beans , rinsed and drained
1large tomato , chopped
1/4tsp salt
1/4tsp black pepper , freshly ground
6whole wheat tortillas (8 inch size)
1 1/2cup Lettuce, iceberg, fresh, shredded
1cup Cheese, Monterey jack, shredded (or cheddar )
1cup Salsa (as garnish)

1 Cook ground beef, onion, and garlic in a large skillet for about 5 minutes or until meat is brown. Drain off fat.
2 Stir cumin, chili powder, and coriander into meat mixture in skillet; cook and stir for 1 minute.
3 Stir in black beans, tomato, salt, and pepper; cover and cook for 5 minutes more, stirring occasionally.
4 To serve, evenly divide beef mixture among tortillas, spooning it down center of each.
5 Sprinkle with lettuce and cheese; roll up. If desired, serve with salsa.
The Winter of Discontent
Government and the Mood of the People
By Chuck Colson January 08, 2010

There’s a lot of hand wringing going on in Washington about the mood of the American people. And with good reason.

The new year is normally a time of optimism. And after a rocky 2009, certainly hopes should be high for a better year ahead.

But that’s not the mood of the people as we begin 2010. Not since the dark days of Watergate and Vietnam do I recall a time when the American people were more pessimistic. And I’m not talking just about the economy and the state of the world in general.

I’m referring specifically to the utter lack of confidence Americans have in our government. We see it in the polls. Only one quarter of Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. Less than one third of Americans believe the country is headed in the right direction.

Perhaps the wave of frustration began in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. Or consider the government’s response to the economic crisis—the so-called stimulus package was nothing more than a pork-barrel potpourri of political favors.

And then there is the latest shock. Despite the billions of dollars spent on homeland security since 9-11, despite the abundance of intelligence, a young terrorist-wannabe with explosives tucked in his underwear almost killed a plane full of people on Christmas Day. And the very office issuing the man the visa had information that he was a terrorist.

No wonder Americans feel that government isn’t working!

But even worse is that Americans are wondering whether our leaders give a fig for what we think or for the things we hold dear.

Right now as I speak, Congressional leaders and the administration are behind closed doors jerry-rigging the most massive government program in American history—euphemistically labeled “health-care reform.”

There will be no debate, no committee meeting. In fact, the bill is being written by just a handful of senators and congressman and government officials. We the people will not be able to read the final bill before it’s voted on. And despite the President’s campaign promises, don’t expect the negotiations to be shown on C-SPAN.

So we find ourselves in a potentially dangerous situation—an American public angry at its elitist leaders, who are at best oblivious to and at worst contemptuous of the will of the people.

No free society can function long under such conditions. It’s a perfect recipe for a populist revolt—certainly at the polls, hopefully not by other means.

So why should this concern us as Christians?

Scripture clearly teaches that man was made to be free, and that government, ordained by God, is to secure that freedom through preserving order and doing justice.

Western democracy as we know it, in fact, grew out of the Christian tradition. By the early middle ages, democracy for all—noble and peasant alike—was practiced in Christian monasteries. I talk about this in my book, The Faith, which I invite you to read.
It’s in times like these, then, that Christians must speak out. We acknowledge and support the high calling of government. We pray for those in authority as Scripture commands. And we can live out and extol the virtues of freedom and democracy.

But we also sound the alarm when government goes beyond its God-given authority. And when our elected leaders would rather be our lords and masters than our representatives, we simply say, “You’ll hear from us in November.”
Further Reading and Information

The Faith: What Christians Believe, Why They Believe It, and Why It Matters []
Chuck Colson

Just the Beginning: The Manhattan Declaration []
Chuck Colson | BreakPoint Commentary | November 25, 2009

Stinks to Be You: Health Care and the Utilitarian Calculus []
Chuck Colson | BreakPoint Commentary | November 11, 2009

Copyright © 2010 Prison Fellowship. All Rights Reserved _ _
Residents of Columbia County, Arkansas are represented in Congress by:
Senator Blanche Lambert Lincoln (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_4843
FAX 202_228_1371
Senator Mark Pryor (D_ AR)
Phone 202_224_2353
FAX 202_228_0908
Representative Michael A. Ross (D _ 04)
Phone 202_225_3772
FAX 202_225_1314§iontree=7677
Other states congresspersons can be found at: []
Words of the Day:
panacea: a cure-all.
constitutional: a walk taken for one's health.
tortuous: marked by repeated turns and bends.
enjoin: to direct or impose with authority; also, to forbid.
atelier: a workshop; a studio.
flibbertigibbet: a silly, flighty, or excessively talkative person.
quotidian: occurring daily; also, ordinary.
gesticulate: to make gestures or motions.
hauteur: haughtiness; arrogance.
expatiate: to speak or write at length.
surreptitious: done, made, or gotten by stealth; also, marked by stealth.
cajole: to coax.
presage: an omen; also, to predict.
vicissitude: a change in condition or fortune.
"Another fresh new year is here . . .
Another year to live!
To banish worry, doubt, and fear,
To love and laugh and give!

This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest . . .
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!

I have the opportunity
Once more to right some wrongs,
To pray for peace, to plant a tree,
And sing more joyful songs!" - William Arthur Ward

"If you want to be happy, be." - Leo Tolstoy

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be." - Marcel Pagnol

"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things."- Albert Einstein

"Opportunities multiply as they are seized." - Sun Tzu

"It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about." - Dale Carnegie

"There are only two distinct classes of people on this earth: those who espouse enthusiasm and those who despise it." - Germaine de Stael

"Wealth is the slave of a wise man. The master of a fool." - Seneca

"Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive." - Havelock Ellis

"Wouldn't life be worth the living
Wouldn't dreams be coming true
If we kept the Christmas spirit
All the whole year through?" - Author Unknown

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." - Anais Nin

"However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results." - Winston Churchill

"He that wrestles with us strengthens our nerves, and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper." - Edmund Burke

"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." - Hal Borland

Powerful Testimony of How Daughter of Iranian Baha'i Minister Found Jesus in America
Mark Ellis (January 6, 2010)
"'I said I was a sinner and I accepted Jesus as my Savior. But after I said this I felt like my body was a piece of paper.' She tried to control herself so she would not fall down, but she fell backward."
(Dana Point, California)—She was a math whiz who defied female stereotypes in Iran by becoming a civil engineer. But after Iran's 1979 revolution, this daughter of a Baha'i minister was forced to run for her life.
"As a child, I always thought there was something wrong with the world," says Maheen Vardakostas. Even at five-years-old, she asked her parents "Who is God?" When her mother tried to buy her nice clothes she protested, saying, "I want something that lasts, something eternal."
She grew up within the strict confines of the Baha'i religion, with prayers three times a day in Arabic. Despite the strong spiritual influences of Maheen's home, God's love always seemed remote to her. "There was always a distance," she says. "I wanted to know Him, but there was no possibility of an intimate relationship."
After the Iranian revolution of 1979, many Iranians were forced to flee their country. Maheen and her family were among them. She recalls that after they immigrated to Los Angeles, "We were traumatized. We lost everything and we didn't know if we would see my parents again. If we returned, we didn't know if they would kill us."
Maheen was able to continue her education in America and eventually married Angelo Vardakostas. She relates that her soul was still troubled, however, recalling a conversation she had with a friend before leaving Iran.
Her friend asked: "What's wrong with you? You're always thinking."
"There is something wrong with this world," Maheen retorted. "Something is missing. I'm looking for that…"
"All the philosophers have looked for that and you're not going to find it," her friend said.
When their first child started school, Maheen and Angelo placed him in St. Margaret's Episcopal School, an elite private school in San Juan Capistrano, California. When the school invited them to an academic award ceremony where their son would receive an award, Maheen was dismayed because the ceremony would take place in a chapel.
She stood outside nervously, thinking it would violate her Baha'i faith to go inside. Then she thought, 'This is stupid,' and stepped into the back of the building. Immediately she noticed the students kneeling and reciting a prayer, "I believe in God the Father who created the world. I believe in God the Son who loved me and died for me…"
When Maheen heard the prayer, she broke into tears. Their God seemed so intimate, she thought. "A God who loves me and died for me? – I never heard of this."
As Maheen drove away from the school, she kept repeating one line of the prayer: "God the Son who loved me and died for me, God the Son who loved me and died for me…" Could this be the missing piece of life she had been searching for?
Angelo and Maheen enrolled their second son at Capistrano Valley Christian School – only a short distance away, because there was no room for him at St. Margarets.
Every day when she picked her son up at school she asked, "What did you do today?"
"We learned about the Bible," he replied. Day after day, he repeated the same thing, until Maheen became exasperated.
"We're paying $6000 a year and all they're teaching you is the Bible?" she exclaimed.
Soon they moved their second son to Capistrano Valley Christian School, and one of the boys' teachers, Mrs. Mulligan, invited Maheen to visit the Life Church in Mission Viejo, California.
When Maheen arrived at the church, she noticed many were praying with their eyes closed, so Maheen decided to do the same. When she opened her eyes she was shocked to see the guest speaker standing in front of her. He invited her to come up on the stage with him.
She felt compelled to go with him, but suddenly embarrassed as all eyes in the room fell on her.
"Where do you go to church?" he asked.
"I don't go to church," Maheen replied. In her discomfort, she couldn't help but ask, "What do you want me to do?"
The pastor looked intently into her eyes and said, "I want you to repeat after me," and he began to lead Maheen in the Sinner's Prayer.
"I said I was a sinner and I accepted Jesus as my Savior," Maheen recalls. "But after I said this I felt like my body was a piece of paper." She tried to control herself so she would not fall down, but she fell backward.
"I was so happy, so excited, I think I entered the Lord's presence. I got up and he said another prayer and I fell down one more time."
After the service, Maheen went to a prayer room where several women prayed for her. They showed her where to begin reading the New Testament.
When she got home, she picked up the Bible and began devouring the pages. She read until 4 a.m. In the next few days and weeks, Jesus entered her dreams at night. "At that time, my husband and I were very close," she recalls. "We had a good relationship."
"But my intimacy with Jesus Christ was much greater." In one of her dreams, Jesus looked at all the books she collected in the Baha'i faith, then He compared those with the truth found in the Bible. "Make sure they give you the real Jesus," He said to her.
"He was never condemning with me," Maheen extols. "It was the compelling love of Jesus Christ that led me to repentance," she says. "His humility knocked me down. I once was very tough, but now, I'm much more gentle."
Maheen still works at the same restaurant, which she owns with her husband. She believes God has seen her perseverance and is training her for ministry. "I meditate on Him while I'm working on the grill," she says.
"I took action and sought after the truth. I knocked on every door and found none completely fulfilling. Finally, when I was not seeking, the Lord found me."
Source: ASSIST News []

310 2nd Ave SE
Albany, Oregon 97321
US Orders: 1_866_358_7426

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GCF: Greens Keeper

Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to:

I was golfing with a soldier who had just returned from Afghanistan. His plans included becoming a greens keeper once he was discharged in a few months. He applied to a local college for its golf course superintendent program, but the department chair worried that he might not be up for the job. "It's stressful," he said. "You have to fight the weather, insects and demanding club members."
"Will anyone be shooting at me while I mow the grass?" asked the soldier.
"Of course not."
"I'll take the job."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Andrew) -Tom

GCF: Time to Go

Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

GCF: Flight Info

I am a reservations clerk for a commercial airline. A woman phoned one of my co-workers to ask if a particular flight had departed. While my friend was checking the information, the office cleaning staff turned on a vacuum cleaner behind her.
"Never mind," the woman said. "I just heard it take off," and she hung up.
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

GCF: Natural Beauty

I got stuck in a traffic jam while commuting into Los Angeles one day. The woman in the SUV in front of me took full advantage of the slowdown. She whipped out her eyebrow pencil, lip gloss and a mirror, applying the finishing touches on her face in the ten minutes it took us to creep through the Cahuenga Pass. Finally, the traffic broke up and as she zoomed away, I caught a glimpse of her vehicle's license plate: NTRL BTY.
_ ____________________________ _
From the collection of Flem Winders. Shared with to me by a friend (Thanks, Martha) -Tom

GCF: Last Day of Skiing

On the first day of a skiing vacation, the girl fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?"
The doctor replied, "This IS your last day of skiing."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Charter Plane

A lady called to make reservations on a small charter plane. She knew she would be flying in a very small plane, so she wasn't surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers."
Then he asked, "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?"
Not thinking clearly, she answered, "With or without clothes?"
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Michael) -Tom

GCF: Bucket o'Chicken

One day a state trooper was pulling off an expressway. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in, and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decided to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. He pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof, and offered it to the driver.
The driver looked at the trooper and said, "No thanks. I just bought some."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to:

GCF: Mushrooms

While hiking in the countryside, my friend Eve and I spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered a large basketful and sauteed them that night. My husband refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous.
Two weeks later, Eve and I gathered some more mushrooms. This time, my husband joined us eating them.
I asked him, "How is it that you're eating these mushrooms tonight when you wouldn't touch the ones we brought home two weeks ago? What changed your mind?"
"I thought about it and I figured it would be better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in my home."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to:

GCF: At the Zoo?

"Daddy took me to the zoo today."
"How was it?"
"It was great! One of the animals came in and paid $90.40 on the two dollar exacta!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Clean Laffs) -Tom Subscribe to Clean Laffs at the website:

GCF: Trendy Restaurant

We were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, "I'll have the 24."
"Uh, Jim," I whispered, "that's the price, not the meal number."
"Oh," he said. "In that case give me the 12."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Break Up

A daughter broke-up with her boyfriend. She asked for her Mother's advice about returning the gifts he'd given her.
Without a pause, her Mother replied, "Send back the stuffed animals and letters, but keep the jewelry for sentimental reasons."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to:

GCF: At the Grocery

A young boy stopped by the corner grocery store and read his list to the clerk: "10 pounds if sugar at $1.25 a pound; 4 pounds of coffee at $1.50 a pound; 2 pounds of butter at $1.10 a pound and 2 bars of soap at 83 cents each. How much does that come to?"
"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents," replied the clerk.
"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?"
"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents."
"Thanks! That's my arithmetic homework for tomorrow."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

GCF: Two Words

My English teacher announced to the class: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

911 Dispatcher

Part of my job as a 9-1-1 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.
One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.
After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics were on the way, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?"
"No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"
_ ____________________________ _
Shared with to me by a friend (Thanks, Glenn) -Tom

GCF: Campaign Funding

Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack of campaign funds? Anyone who stops spending just because he's out of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway!
_ ____________________________ _
From the collection of Flem Winders. Shared with to me by a friend (Thanks, Martha) -Tom

GCF: Oil Farm

A man stopped by a booming oil field in southern Kentucky to give a lift to a man on his way to the county seat. They drove through once beautiful farm land now scarred by bulldozers and drilling rigs, cluttered with pumps and storage tanks. Guessing that his passenger was a farmer living in the area, the driver steered the conversation to the tall tales he had heard of quick riches for both speculators and farmers.
The local man acknowledged that many of the stories were founded on fact.
"You own a farm here?" the driver asked.
"Yeah," was the reply.
"Any oil wells on it?"
"Yeah, three good 'uns and they say they'll each make 300 barrels a day."
"What in the world are you going to do with all the money you'll be getting?"
The farmer gazed across a machine-scarred field for a moment and answered, "Why I'm gonna buy me a farm that ain't got no oil on it!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

GCF: Witty Waiter

The head waiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hip wader boots, frayed and torn jeans, dirty leather jacket, long stringy dirty hair and a beard with flecks of long-ago food marched right towards him.
The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's the bathroom?"
The head waiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me from another humor list (Humor_G) -Tom To subscribe to Humor_G, send a blank email to:

GCF: Computer Trouble

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11-year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID Ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Richard grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little twirp.
_ ____________________________ _
Shared with to me by a friend (Thanks, Martha) -Tom

GCF: Raising Children

A elderly gentleman was strolling through a quiet residential neighborhood when he came upon a little boy sitting on the curb, crying. "What's the trouble, son?" he asked. "Are you lost?"
"Worse than that," the youngster sobbed. "Mom lost her book on child rearing and now she's using her own judgement!"
_ ____________________________ _
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Bob) -Tom

GCF: How to Build a Campfire

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make a structure of slivers (including those embedded in the hand).
6. Light match.
7. Light match.
8. Repeat "A Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of flames.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
13. After thunderstorm has passed, repeat the above steps.
_ ____________________________ _
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / It is unfortunate that, as we \ \_/ ////
\ / grow up, nature robs us of the \ /
\ _/ knowledge of what youngsters are \_ /
/ / always giggling about. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Compromise: \ /
\ _/ The art of dividing a cake \_ /
/ / in such a way that everybody \ \
believes he got the biggest piece.
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / To live forever, \ /
\ _/ acquire a chronic disease \_ /
/ / and take care of it. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Work like you don't need the \ /
\ _/ money. Love like you've never been\_ /
/ / hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Any man who laughs at women's \ /
\ _/ clothes has never paid \_ /
/ / the bill for them. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / How come SUPERMAN could stop \ /
\ _/bullets with his chest, but always \_ /
/ /ducked when someone threw a gun at him?\ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / If you have your finger \ \_/ ////
\ / touching the rearview mirror \ /
\ _/ that says -- "objects in mirror \_ /
/ / are closer than they appear", \ \
how can that be possible?
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Never criticize a man \ \_/ ////
\ / until you've walked a mile \ /
\ _/ in his shoes. That way, if he \_ /
/ / doesn't like what you have to say, \ \
it'll be OK because you'll be a mile away
and you'll have his shoes.
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / The journey of a thousand miles \ /
\ _/ begins with a broken fan belt \_ /
/ / or a leaky tire. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Veni, Vedi, Velcro \ /
\ _/ (I came, I saw, I stuck to it) \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Tonight's weather: \ /
\ _/ Dark with continued darkness \_ /
/ / until dawn. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Whose cruel idea was it \ /
\ _/ for the word "lisp" \_ /
/ / to have an "s" in it? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / All syllogisms have three \ /
\ _/ parts, therefore this \_ /
/ / is not a syllogism. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I had amnesia and \ /
\ _/ deja vu at the same time. \_ /
/ / I think I forgot this before. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / A cement mixer \ \_/ ////
\ / collided with a prison van. \ /
\ _/ Be on the lookout for \_ /
/ / hardened criminals. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / The most thoroughly wasted of \ /
\ _/ all days is that on which \_ /
/ / one has not laughed. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / He who hesitates \ /
\ _/ is probably right. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / You know you are \ \_/ ////
\ / getting old when ... \ /
\ _/ Your back goes out \_ /
/ / more often than you do. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / You know you are \ \_/ ////
\ / getting old when ... \ /
\ _/ Your knees buckle \_ /
/ / and your belt won't. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / You know you are \ \_/ ////
\ / getting old when ... \ /
\ _/ You sit in a rocking chair \_ /
/ / and can't get it going. \ \
_ ____________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | | \ \
_( (_ | | _) )_
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_| ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, my dog is a democrat!
Thanks to John Burge
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A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco .. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Thanks to Shirley Heath
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
I think I will put the first message that you read on my phone LOL TO ALL MY FAMILY, FRIENDS AND BUDDIES..... HAVE A BLESSED NEW YEAR!!!!!!


I dialed a number and got the following recording: 'I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes.'
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
(This is a good one.)
My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting.
The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: 'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us....go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us....pass this on!

Thanks to Waneta
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

A salesman for a major cola company returns from his assignment in the Middle East and reports his assignment was a total failure.
"Tell me what happened," his boss says.
"When I accepted the assignment," replies the salesman, "I was confident I could turn a profit for the company there, since it was a brand new market and no one had ever tried our drink. But once I arrived, I realized that I had a problem: I didn't speak their language."
"So what did you do?" the boss probes.
"I decided to convey our message by using three posters. In the first, I showed a man crawling through the desert heat, exhausted and panting with thirst. The second poster shows the man having a drink of our cola. The final poster showed the man happy and totally refreshed. I had them plastered at every corner and in every market I could find."
"That should have worked," the boss chimes in. "Why didn't it?"
"Well," the salesman confesses, "not only did I not speak the language, but I also didn't realize that most people in that country read from right to left."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


School Question

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Boneless Chicken

The food in China can be a challenge for newcomers. One example is that chicken is often served "cleaver style," leaving the meat and bones chopped up together, making it difficult to eat.
Years ago, I went with a group of newcomers to a nice hotel to eat some hamburgers and normal Western food. One lady in our group, Marie, wanted to eat chicken without needing to spit out the bones, so she ordered "boneless chicken."
The waiter, whose English was quite good, could not imagine what Marie wanted. She was very insistent, saying, "I want boneless chicken. Chicken with no bones!"
After more confusion and more insisting, the waiter finally said he understood, wrote something down, and returned to the kitchen.
After about 15 minutes, our orders started coming out to the table. Marie's food was the last to arrive, and when the poor waiter placed her dish in front of her, we all laughed out loud. It was a plate of fried eggs.

Received from Stephen DeVries.


Being Creative With Troublesome Kin

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:

"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image, and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

"Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


Wishes for the New Year

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count, and your mortgage interest not rise.
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and the IRS.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there, may you find a parking space.
May New Year's Eve find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may your checkbook and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for your church and charities.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, and your parent(s). You can say it to your secretary, your nurse, your butcher, your photographer, your masseuse, your seamstress, your hairdresser, or your tennis instructor, but not with a "twinkle" in your eye.
May we live as intended, in a world at peace with the awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.
Bless you with every happiness, great health, peace, and much love during the next year and all those that follow.

Received from Timothy Anger.



In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.
Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.
I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.


Best Puns of the Year

A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi. Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good. And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.

My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off his circulation. She replied, "That's what it is supposed to do."

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.

A naive young lass was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a minute or two and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..." "What makes you think you need all these?" " Well," replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganised."

The policeman couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a woman drive past him on the freeway, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled alongside the vehicle, rolled down his window and shouted, "Pull over!" "No," the women yelled back cheerfully, "Socks!"

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here.

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."

I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young member of the group. It appeared to be a vase sect to me.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just go ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an Angel!"

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a walking economy." His friend replies, "How so?" "His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."

I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened. Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of him.

Received from Stan Kegel.


The Shortest Books Ever Written

1000 Years of German Humor
Everything Men Know About Women
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
Who's Who in Puerto Rico
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Gun Control for the New Millenium: NRA Handbook

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Cooking Instructions

The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." -- until the agency received the following letter from an unhappy camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible."
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."

Received from Christopher Deffenbaugh.


At the Movies

While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


The Old Days: 45s

A few years back, I had my old 45 RPM records out to look through and my daughter asked what they were. I explained that back in the 1960s before CDs were invented, this was how we listened to music. I further explained how all the bands issued singles on these "45s," and radio stations would rate the top 40 songs every week.
She was quite impressed as I continued describing how one used a phonograph to play them. I burst out laughing when she asked -- perfectly straight faced -- "Daddy, how many megs of RAM does one of these hold?"

Received from Oz.


The Confessional

A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"

Received from Jeffrey A. Smith.



1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to use the bathroom.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last, and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, drink, or the bathroom and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. Those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well and make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Received from Harry Geedy.



An oral surgeon was scheduled to extract four wisdom teeth from Jim, a high-school football player, who had opted to be sedated for the procedure. As the intravenous anesthesia was being administered, the doctor asked Jim how he was feeling.
"Man," he replied, struggling to keep his eyes open, "I feel like I'm in English class."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.
The professor carefully studied the answer script and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


New Pilot

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?



Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command


and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,
Joyce at Tech Support

Received from Michelle H..


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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - -

Kindle Swindle? (Updated)
After a tough day at work you climb into bed, reach for a paperback book, and find that your nightstand reading material is gone, replaced with a credit for the purchase price. After some digging you learn that paperback copies of the novel you’re in the middle of reading have been repossessed by your local bookshop.

Inconceivable, right? Credit or no credit, invading the privacy of your home and taking a book without your permission would surely constitute one or more crimes.

Now imagine the same scenario, but with an e-book instead of a paperback — an e-book you purchased for your Kindle. That’s exactly what Amazon did to 1984 and Animal Farm buyers.

Repossession via electronic invasion of privacy. If it isn’t a crime, it sure as hell ought to be.

Kindle Swindle? (3 Verse Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Have you noticed your e-book list dwindle?
You’re probably using a Kindle.
A book that you bought
Has turned into naught —
Replaced with a refund. No swindle?

Yet the seller invaded your house.
And did it by clicking a mouse.
Something’s there. Then it’s not.
(An Orwellian plot?)
You’re surely entitled to grouse.

The fact that your money’s returned.
Doesn’t mean that you haven’t been burned.
Your privacy rights
Are gone with those bytes.
This vendor deserves to be spurned.

Update: Some updated information from the New York Times:

An Amazon spokesman, Drew Herdener, said in an e-mail message that the books were added to the Kindle store by a company that did not have rights to them, using a self-service function. “When we were notified of this by the rights holder, we removed the illegal copies from our systems and from customers’ devices, and refunded customers,” he said.

Amazon effectively acknowledged that the deletions were a bad idea. “We are changing our systems so that in the future we will not remove books from customers’ devices in these circumstances,” Mr. Herdener said.

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
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From the basketball coach - Chad McDowell at LSU-S

Something to think about

Two Different Versions.... .......... .... Two Different Morals

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away..

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.” Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood..

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

Thanks to Claiborne Sharp Jr.
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1. Drink plenty of water.
2 Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4 Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile

11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Thanks to Ron Huett
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TOURBUS _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _:) _ :)_ :)
Vol 15, Number 57

Anti Spam Tools / Google Voice / Geekly Update / Free Windows Themes / Picasa Photo Software / Laptop Encryption In today's TOURBUS, you'll learn how to reduce unwanted email with Anti Spam Tools, and how to get Free Phone Service With Google Voice. I've also got a new edition of the Geekly Update, with 10% more effervescense! You'll also find Free Windows Desktop Themes, the scoop on Picasa Photo Software, and how to Protect Your Laptop With Encryption. Read on!
Anti Spam Tools
Spam is a huge problem on the Internet. For many years now, well over half of all email traffic has been spam. Spam wastes much of the Net's bandwidth, slowing down legitimate traffic. On the personal level, few things irritate users more than unwanted sales pitches. Many spam emails are dangerous bait containing links to malware sites that can steal your identity.
You need all the antispam protection you can get. Here are some effective anti-spam tools...

Free Phone Service With Google Voice
Google Voice is a free enhanced telephone management service that works with your existing phone number and carrier, or all on its own. It includes features you want but will never get from a telephone carrier service because carriers can't make money off them.
Find out how to get caller-blocking, phone number portability, voicemail, and even speech-to-text message transcription -- all for free with Google Voice...

Protect Your Laptop With Encryption
If your laptop was lost or stolen, how bad would that be? Yep, really, really, bad. You need to protect yourself and your files, just in case your laptop ever falls into the wrong hands. Securing your laptop with a logon username and password is not enough, because there are easy ways to bypass that.
A much better idea is to encrypt your laptop's data so that only someone who knows the encryption key can access the files. Here's how to use encryption to secure your laptop...

Geekly Update December 7
Is it true that analog watches in Europe are running backward, after scientists jacked upped the voltage at the Large Hadron Collider? Have you heard about the Cambodian car that responds to telepathic commands? Can you use IP spoofing to fool Santa if you've been naughty?
Get answers to these burning questions and more, in the most recent installment of the Geekly Update...

Free Windows Desktop Themes
A theme is a set of icons, colors, borders, cursors, and other Windows elements that add up to the "look and feel" of your system. The convenient thing about a theme is that it can change the appearance of many things at once, sparing you the hassle of tweaking file views, cursor shape, size of icons, etc., one component at a time.
Learn how to trick out your desktop by downloading a free theme for XP, Vista or Windows 7...

Picasa Free Photo Software
Picasa is a free photo editing and management application offered by Google. It offers many image editing, organization and online storage features that photo buffs will find useful. The Picasa desktop app comes in various flavors for Windows, Mac, and Linux.
Here's my review of Picasa, and links to other photo editing software...
Vol 15, Number 57
06 JAN 2010

Unlock Cell Phone / Buying a Laptop / Geekly Update / Speed Up Your Computer / Buying A Monitor / Wireless N Routers / Laptop Crash / Who Owns That Website? In today's TOURBUS, You'll learn how to Unlock Your Cell Phone so you can switch carriers without buying a new one. I've also got some advice on How to Buy a Laptop or a Computer Monitor, and three shiny new editions of the Geekly Update!
Don't miss my handy tips Speeding Up Your Computer and find out if a Wireless N Router will improve your Wi-Fi experience. I hope that 2010 brings you the best of everything, so here's how to prevent a Laptop Hard Drive Crash, and what to do if it does happen. And finally, the curtain is pulled back... now you can find out Who Owns That Website? Read on!

Unlock Your Cell Phone
A reader asks: "I want to switch to another mobile provider, but I love my current phone and don't want to buy a new one. How can I unlock my phone so it will work on any cellular network?" Great question! Mobile service providers lock phones to keep you from switching to a competitor, but consumers want the freedom to switch without buying ew phones.
That should be as simple as switching a SIM card, but not if the phone is locked. Find out which phones CAN be unlocked, and how to do it...

How to Buy a Laptop
The laptop landscape is dotted with thousands of species and subspecies. Which one should you choose -- Netbook or Notebook -- and what are the differences between them? What technical specs are important and how should you buy your laptop - online or in a big electronics store?
Save yourself some time, money and trouble. Read my guide to choosing and buying a laptop that's perfect for you...

Geekly Update
Amazon sold 9.5 million items on December 14th, but not all were books. How many of them were Oster Electric Wine-Bottle Openers? Ford is bring Wifi to your car's dashboard. Will they block access to Facebook while the car is in motion? And those darn netbooks are just too light and easy to carry. How is Aileron Design fixing that problem? Oh, and what does the new Boeing 787 Dreamliner have in common with a six-pack of Miller Lite?
Get answers to these burning questions and more, in the most recent installments of the Geekly Update...

Speed Up Your Computer!
Ready to speed up your computer? I've got several easy, free tips you can use. Free tools are built into your operating system to keep your hard drive running at peak performance. And there are several other things you can tweak for increased system speed, in both hardware and software.
Whether a computer is brand new or several years old, it's never fast enough. Here are a few tips to make your computer run faster...

Buying A Monitor
A good computer monitor is one of the best investments you can make. It can save your eyesight and make you more productive. But which one should you buy? The easy answer is "buy the biggest monitor you can afford." The bigger the screen, the more information you can display, and the easier it will be to read. I've got some tips on which monitors offer the best value, how to decipher monitor tech specs and jargon, and a few words on monitor connectors and accesories.
Here are some things you should consider when buying a computer monitor...

Wireless N Routers
You may hear the terms "N router" or "802.11n" when discussing WiFi equipment. The "N" is taken from the "802.11n" wireless standard, which specifies how Wi-Fi equipment should communicate, and allows consumers to mix and match equipment from many manufacturers. Wireless N routers are 2-4 times as fast as the fastest previous "G" standard, offer increased wireless range, and are backward compatible with older wireless equipment.
But will it really benefit you to upgrade to N? Here's the scoop on N wireless, in plain English...

Laptop Hard Drive Crash
The surprising thing is not a laptop hard drive crash, but the rarity with which it happens. When you think about hard drives and what people do with laptops, it's surprising that laptop hard drives don't crash more often. But it does happen.
Learn why laptop hard drives sometimes fail, what you can do to minimize the risk of a laptop hard drive crash, and how to recover if one does happen...

Who Owns That Website?
So you want to find out who's behind a certain website. The reason could be an online store whose customer service hasn't been satisfactory, and you want to call a higher-up. It might be someone who is using your copyrighted work or even pictures of you without permission, and you want to "have a word with him" via phone or attorney.
Whatever your reasons for wanting to know who owns a website, here are some tools that can help you find out...

That's all for now, see you next time!
-- Bob Rankin

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The Internet Tourbus _ U.S. Library of Congress ISSN #1094_2238 Copyright 1995_2009, Rankin & Crispen _ All rights reserved Be Smarter & Better Looking Than [_99.959040_] Percent of Users Hop On the Bus and Join 80,000 Others Around the World!
Best of Everything _ Subscribe, Signoff, Archives, Free Stuff and More at the Tourbus Home _
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The Pump Handle. A water cooler for the public health crowd.

Mountain top removal impacts ‘pervasive and irreversible’
January 8, 2010 in Environmental Health, Environmental Protection Agency, Mining, Regulation | by The Pump Handle
by Ken Ward, Jr. cross-posted from Coal Tattoo [or as Grist reports: Science confirms that blowing up mountains harms mountains]

“Mining permits are being issued despite the preponderance of scientific evidence that impacts are pervasive and irreversible and that mitigation cannot compensate for the losses.”

That quote above is the conclusion of a blockbuster study by a group of the nation’s top scientists, detailing the incredibly damaging environmental impacts of mountaintop removal coal mining and the failed efforts at reclaiming mined land or mitigating the effects. Based on a comprehensive analysis of the latest scientific findings, the paper calls on the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency and the federal Army Corps of Engineers to stay all new mountaintop removal mining permits unless new mining and reclamation techniques “can be subjected to rigorous peer review and shown to remedy these problems.”

According to the paper:

Read the rest of this entry » []
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Weekly Toll _ _
Death In The Workplace w/News & Updates
John Donne _ ...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Corporate Trickery
Shifting the blame following a worker's death.

If you've ever lost someone to a workplace fatality. You already know how much harder surviving the loss becomes with each company statement issued to the media. All of us here at Screw You Construction are extremely sorry for your loss John Doe will be greatly missed by all of us and rest assured we will do everything in our power to asses what caused the accident while conducting our own investigation into whether or not John Doe was following all safety procedures.

To the untrained eye statements such as these appear professionally sympathetic demonstrating just enough corporate concern to create less focus on the fatality itself while tossing out the subtlest of hints that employee error had a role in the incident. But for those directly affected statements like these are a brutal and unnecessary infliction of additional grief at their most vulnerable point.

Just imagine for a moment John doe is your family friend or coworker and read the company statement again.

It's a slap in the face designed to take the emotional to irrational.

To ensure that if anyone should want to come forward with conflicting yet accurate information the chances of anyone listening is very unlikely. I've seen it so many times more than I can count. In-fact this technique is used so often that in the 7 years I have been involved with Health & Safety/Workplace Fatalities I have only come across two out of over 42,000 instances where this technique wasn't used.

Over the years I've repeatedly questioned how and why corporations are able to get away with this behavior. And finally I was given the answer. The medias main source of information following a workplace tragedy MUST begin with the most direct source AKA the Company.
Okay that part I knew. But what I did not know is that the media source can be held liable in a court of law for withholding and/or not including any & all company statements verbatim from its report.

Which is why any dispute of company statements must include some form of legal documentation proving that they are not based on hearsay. Regardless of whether the the first source of information was legitimate or not. Without which the source can also be sued. Rarely will you find anyone who is willing to risk taking that chance.
So the next time you run across a story like the one that prompted me to write this

Remember that the closest source to the story is not what one should consider the most accurate and learning how to read between the lines is often our best resource for seeking the truth.

So the next time a corporation releases a statement downplaying it's role in the death of three workers in under a year

Such as CES Environmental Services Inc did today claiming the $1,477,500 in penalties issued by OSHA in connection with 17 allegedly willful violations and 54 allegedly serious violations are NOT justified intending to contest them vigorously.

The statement given to the media claiming that
"CES works diligently to ensure the safety of its many employees in Houston and Port Arthur. It is a shame that overzealous regulators are continuing to harass a business that has done its best to provide an essential industrial service here in Houston."
Is nothing more than corporate trickery designed to detour the public from reading between the lines...
Translation Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh Stop harassing us by doing your job OSHA! Or we'll tell everyone how dedicated you are in your attempts to seek some kind of justice for the 3 life's needlessly lost in in 2009 due to our blatant and negligent disregard for workplace safety
Here's a thought... Perhaps CES Environmental Services Inc should just stop endangering/killing workers if they don't like the attention! I'm just sayin'
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NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed since November 01. These records can be found at

01. Staff Sgt. David H. Gutierrez, 35, of San Francisco, Ca., died Dec. 25 at Kandahar Air Field, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked his dismounted patrol with an improvised explosive device in Howz-e Madad. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 1st Infantry Regiment, 5th Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division, Fort Lewis, Wash.

02. Spc. Jason M. Johnston, 24, of Albion, N.Y., died Dec. 26 in Arghandab, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked his unit with an improvised explosive device. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 508th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C.

03. Staff Sgt. Ronald J. Spino, 45, of Waterbury, Conn., died Dec. 29 in Bala Morghab, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when he was shot while unloading supplies. He was assigned to the 274th Forward Surgical Team, 44th Medical Command, Fort Bragg, N.C.

04. Spc. Brushaun X. Anderson, 20, of Columbus, Ga., died Jan. 1 in Baghdad, Iraq, of wounds suffered from a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 14th Infantry Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 10th Mountain Division (Light Infantry), Fort Drum, N.Y.

05. Senior Airman Bradley R. Smith, 24, of Troy, Ill., died Jan. 3 near Kandahar Airfield, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained while supporting combat operations. He was assigned to the 10th Air Support Operations Squadron, Fort Riley, Kan.

The Department of Defense announced the death of three soldiers who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. They died Jan. 3 in Ashoque, Afghanistan, from wounds suffered when insurgents attacked their unit with multiple improvised explosives devices and small arms fire. They were assigned to the 1st Battalion, 12th Infantry Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, Fort Carson, Colo. Killed were:
06. Sgt. Joshua A. Lengstorf, 24, of Yoncalla, Ore.
07. Spc. Brian R. Bowman, 24, of Crawfordsville, Ind.
08. Pvt. John P. Dion, 19, of Shattuck, Okla.

09. Spc. David A. Croft Jr., 22, of Plant City, Fla., died Jan. 5 in Baghdad, of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked his unit with an improvised explosive device and small arms fire. He was assigned to the 1st Squadron, 7th Cavalry Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 1st Cavalry Division, Fort Hood, Texas.
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." __ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. _ _ George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" _ _ Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
"The things that will destroy America are prosperity-at-any-price, peace-at-any-price, safety-first instead of duty-first, the love of soft living, and the get-rich-quick theory of life." - - Theodore Roosevelt
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Scheduled Activities
Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there.
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234_5655
(Non _ Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance _ 234_7371 (24 Hour)
Jail _ 234_5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control _ 800_222_1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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Interested in getting in touch with the Banner_News through e_mail?
E_mail addresses for communicating with the newspaper’s various departments are: For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events.
advertising@bannernews. net For retail and classified advertising.
circulation@bannernews. net To start, stop or cancel newspaper delivery or for comments about delivery.
outfitters For Office Outfitters, the office supply division of the Banner_News.
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." __ "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" __ "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." __ "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." _ _ "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." _ _ Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. _ Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day _ James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" __"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
2 Sam 22:29-35 Mat 13:22 Acts 17:26-27 Eph 4:22-24 Jer 18:1-4 Luke 23:18-24 Hag 2:18-19 Hag 1:5-7 Heb 11:36-39 Micah 3:9-12 Psa 34:12-14 Eph 3:20-21 Micah 6:6-8 Acts 14:26-27 Acts 13:1-3 Zec 7:4-6 Ezek 34:17-19 Dan 8:1,2,27 Psa 86:5-7
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT_I KC5HII

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