Friday, May 22, 2009

Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Old Geezers

Volume 11, Issue 21 Friday, May 22, 2009

Hello All,

It's been busy at the McClellan home. My work schedule leaves little time for “Da Bleat “during the week and that means the publishing activities have to occur on Saturdays. One Saturday, I concentrated on a little “Spring Cleaning” with the intention of getting out an issue the following weekend. But I ended up working the next Saturday (a 12 hour shift.) Then, I had DMAT duties, etc. So this edition is being cobbled together on my break, using my new Dell Linux machine.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining (much) but I didn't intend to work this much at my retirement job.
Five Columbia County residents (John Burge, Steve Savoy, Ricky and Sarah Shepherd and I), members of Arkansas's Disaster Medical Assistance Team (AR-1), participated in “LifeSaver 2009 “ a national joint Disaster training exercise, May 6-8. This drill involved moving simulated disaster patients cross country via Air Force C-130 aircraft. Volunteers were transported from bases in Florida and Mississippi to receiving communities in Arkansas and Texas.
We assisted other emergency response personnel in Little Rock by unloading these “patients” from the planes, logging them into the new national disaster medicine patient database and rendering emergency treatment before transferring them to local EMS personnel for transport to local hospitals.
The AR-1 DMAT team consists of members from throughout Arkansas and includes physicians, nurses, paramedics, emergency medical technicians and other medical specialists as well as Administrative, Communication and Computer Resources personnel. The unit is designed to be self-sufficient for 72 hours with supplies including food and medicine, with a primary mission of supporting the medical needs in areas heavily impacted by disasters.
Arkansas DMAT members have responded to large-scale disasters including the World Trade Center attack on September 11, 2001, Hurricane Isabel in 2003, Hurricanes Katrina and Rita in August 2005 as well as IKE and GUSTAV in 2008. NDMS DMAT Team members have also deployed in support of G8 Summits, the National Democratic and Republican Conventions, US Olympic venues, and other National gatherings such as the annual State Of the Union address.
In addition to AR-1 DMAT members, “LifeSaver 2009 ” involved the Metropolitan Emergency Medical Service in Little Rock, members of the Health and Human Services National Disaster Medical Service Disaster Medical Assistance Teams from Texas, Mississippi, and Florida, Veterans Administration personnel in Arkansas and Texas, National leadership of the Public Health Service, and members of the Air Force Reserve.
Annette let me have TiVo since I’m an only child and spoiled (her words.) Actually, since I’m working the early shift at Lion, we go to bed before he favorite programs come on. This way she can watch her favorites anytime we’re awake. Also, I get to record "The Penguins of Madagascar" and "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" so my grandsons can watch them when they come over. So far, TiVo is lots of fun.
Age, diabetes and Anemia have left me prone to falling. (That didn't sound as funny as I meant it to.) I’ve managed to avoid most of them by grabbing nearby objects and people but a couple have resulted in injury.
A couple of years ago, we were having a GIANT crawfish fry at the church and, as everybody was preparing to leave, I decided to start cleaning up the equipment. I tripped on something (my son said it was the line on the sidewalk) and started to fall. In an effort to avoid the inevitable, I lurched, hopped, skipped and finally came down like a great sequoia in the forest. My son said that I actually stumbled for about 25 yards before hitting the concrete. He also concluded that my attempts to avoid the fall just resulted in my body picking up speed and a resulting greater force of impact.
As I finally realized that I was going down I remember thinking “this is gonna hurt.” Then I was amazed at how flimsy the “spaghetti noodles” that I called arms were. They just folded up with little or no resistance at all as my face bounced off the concrete.
Immediately, I noticed blood spraying all over the place. Fortunately, my son thought quickly and grabbed one of the tow sacks that the crawfish had come in. Since we’d used these sacks to cover the crawfish with seasoning, they were “pre-medicated”. The peppers and other spices seemed to have a coagulant effect and dramatically slowed the bleeding as David applied them to my face. And the pain from the spices also partially took my mind off of the injury.
David drove me to the hospital where Annette met us. Seeing the blood and smelling the crawfish, the triage nurse immediately put us in a room where we were immediately forgotten.
Annette gently picked away the pieces of sack from my wounds and used the antiseptics and dressings in the ER room to begin cleaning my face up. It seems that the worst actual injury was where my glasses had been driven down my nose, slicing it apart. Of course this didn’t prevent me from complaining about the numerous abrasions to my hands, arms, knees, etc. which she also cleaned up and dressed.
Then, with me whining, crying and protesting, Annette proceeded to put my nose back together while attempting to calm me down.
After an hour or two, the ER doc came in to see me. He said that normally he would stitch up a laceration like that on my nose but since the “nurses” had done such a good job cleaning it up and since I was a diabetic he thought he would leave well enough alone. So he sent me home.
I looked like WC Fields for a few weeks but there were no lasting ill effects except the abuse I suffered at the hands of my fellow church members who continue to share the story of the “Great Fall” at the crawfish boil. And the "rest of the story?" When Annette brought me back to the church, bandaged and sort of groggy, Brandon DuPont declared "It ain't a real Cajun Crawfish Boil until someone gets a bloody nose."
I’m sharing this again in “Da Bleat” because face book blocked the story as “inappropriate content” when I tried to post it on my classmates group page.
We’re really enjoying our “New” $288 Dell refurbished laptop with Linux ubuntu version on it. Every time I use it I grin because I’m escaping a little of Bill Gates dominion.
I don't know how many hats I've got but Annette is always asking why we can't get rid of some. She gave in and put up a rack behind the bedroom door for my most often used hats and, for our Anniversary this year, she got me another hanging hat display. She has several plastic storage boxes for them in the closet.
My favorites are: NYFD, TEEX/ESTI, BNSF Railroad, Center for Domestic Preparedness, AR-1 DMAT, Razorbacks, L&NW Railroad, OEM, Wheeled Coach, Mercury NV Spill Mitigation Workshop, Albemarle ERT.
I've got a couple of hat rules:
1. I Don't normally buy a hat. I get them from classes I attend or folks give them to me.
2. I Don't wear a hat that doesn't mean something to you. All my hats represent an experience or friend, etc.
Chicago is on the brink of becoming the first city in the nation to ban the sale of baby bottles and sippy cups containing bisphenol A amid health concerns about the chemical. Mayor Richard M. Daley is expected to sign the measure, which was approved unanimously by the City Council; the ban would take effect in January. The American Chemistry Council said there is little proof of health risks: "This new Chicago law is contrary to the global consensus on the safety of BPA and ignores the expert evaluations of scientists and government bodies from around the world." The New York Times (5/13) []
Rule of law be damned
Bradley R. Gitz

Barack Obama says that it is most important that his replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter possess “empathy” and “understanding,” and recognize “that justice isn’t about some abstract legal theory or footnote in a case book.”
He couldn’t be more mistaken. The application of constitutional principles to cases is almost entirely about abstract legal theory and footnotes found in case books. It is such because the primary quality of a Supreme Court justice should be disinterested neutrality in the service of the rule of law.
Constitutional interpretation should have nothing to do with empathy or favoring particular groups or causes over other groups and causes. The only understanding that should be brought to bear is the effort to understand the original meaning and logical reach of specific constitutional provisions.
The qualities that Obama describes are more accurately the qualities not of Supreme Court justices but of legislators, a perceptual error that reveals much of what is wrong with leftist interpretations of the role of the judiciary in a democracy.
It is elected officials who should demonstrate, among other virtues, understanding and empathy, and be capable of grasping, in Obama’s words, “how our laws affect the daily realities of people’s lives.” This is because in democratic theory it is legislators, not judges, who make those laws.
Judges, on the other hand, scrupulously and impartially apply the laws that legislators pass. A judge more concerned with how a law affects the daily realities of people’s lives than with faithfully applying that law would be usurping the responsibility of elected legislators and substituting his wisdom in place of theirs.
What Obama is inviting through thinly veiled code is more of what already plagues our federal judiciary: justices legislating from the bench. What he seeks are judges who are guided more by leftist political agendas than by what the clear meaning of the law might dictate. He has no problem with judges violating their oaths of office and playing fast and loose with the Constitution so long as such tactics produce the desired liberal policy outcomes.
As a United States senator, Obama voted in lockstep with other leftist Democrats against the nominations of Justices Samuel Alito and John Roberts. The reason was that he and his colleagues knew that the strict constructionist approach favored by Alito and Roberts doesn’t permit the kinds of constitutional mischief that he favors.
(The problem that liberals have with strict constructionism is that it promises the last thing liberals want: a faithful reading of constitutional provisions.)
We know what game Obama is playing here, but even on his own terms it remains to be explained precisely how empathy should inform a Supreme Court justice’s understanding of the precise relationship between the Second Amendment’s prefatory and operative clauses or how it will help a jurist to fathom the distinction between speech and expression upon which so many First Amendment rulings hinge.
Our president suggests that justices should be concerned with whether people “can make a living” and “feel safe in their homes and welcome in their nation”—nice sentiments, but also sentiments that have nothing whatsoever to do with constitutional interpretation. One is left to wonder what kind of slop Obama was taught at Harvard Law School and how much his students at the University of Chicago actually learned about law as opposed to mushy sentiments and warm, fuzzy political slogans.
Contrary to the historical ideal of justice as blind, in Obama’s world justice is supposed to be rigged in favor of some results and groups over others, and objectivity is discarded in favor of ideology and even subjective feelings, i.e., empathy. Judges should be free to consult their own inner child and rule against whichever groups or people they dislike regardless of facts or constitutional constraints and precedents.
What the president’s bizarre understanding of the judiciary entails is nothing more than a frontal assault on the concept of the rule of law itself. In his glib, arrogant fashion, he wishes to see the idea of “a nation of laws” replaced by “a nation of men” without perhaps even understanding what that shift implies for the integrity of the democratic process and the status of our most cherished liberties.
The impression grows that we have elected a remarkably superficial and ignorant man to the presidency.
Free-lance columnist Bradley R. Gitz, who lives and teaches in Batesville, received his Ph.D. in political science from the University of Illinois.

Thanks to Chuck Jackson
The Columbia County Library has reopened at the new location, 2057 N. Jackson St.
Our Magnolia High School Class of ‘69 40th Reunion is scheduled for June 19, and 20.
Don’t forget to use GoodSearch [] when you search the Internet!
~~~~~ - - Injured Marine's Wife Pays It Forward - - Tonia Sargent's life changed when her husband was shot in the head while serving in Iraq. Not only did Tonia refuse to give up on him, she's also on a mission to help other marines and families in need. - - Watch Video >> []
America is not at war. The military is at war. - - America is at the mall, or watching the movie stars.
Each week the Defense Department highlights military personnel who have gone above and beyond in the war. [] - - Zachary Rhyner - - Hometown: Medford, Wis. - - Awarded: The Air Force Cross

An Air Force combat controller received the Air Force's second highest award for valor on March 10 for saving his 10-man team from being overrun twice in a 6.5-hour battle in Afghanistan.

Staff Sgt. Zachary J. Rhyner received the Air Force Cross for his actions on April 6, 2008, in the Shok Valley. Although shot in the left leg, he called in airstrikes, fired his M-4 rifle at the enemy and helped move other wounded people down a cliff. At the time of the incident, Rhyner was a senior airman who had completed training less than a year earlier.

Rhyner was part of a 130-man combined assault force whose mission was to enter Shok Valley and capture a high-value target who was funding the insurgency. Shok Valley is located below 60-foot cliffs. The mission objective was at the top of the mountains surrounding the valley.

“This was the first time U.S. special operations forces entered the territory,” said Capt. Stewart Parker, the detachment commander at Bagram Airfield, Afghanistan, at the time.

“Initial infiltration began that day with snow on the ground, jagged rocks, a fast-moving river and a cliff,” said Rhyner. “There was a 5-foot wall you had to pull yourself up. The ridgeline trail was out of control.”

The U.S. and Afghan troops expected to encounter fire from about 70 insurgents.

“We were caught off guard as 200 enemy fighters approached,” said Staff Sgt. Rob Gutierrez, a combat controller with the second team in the fight. “Within 10 minutes, we were ambushed with heavy fire from 50 meters. The teams were split by a river 100 to 200 meters apart, north to south.”

“I have never seen a situation this bad,” said Parker, who was monitoring the situation back at the base.
Rhyner was shot within the first 15 minutes, according to an account from the Air Force Special Operations Command. The team came under fire from all directions from snipers, machine guns and rocket-propelled grenades.

"I was pulling security when I got shot in the leg," he said. "The rounds hit my left thigh and went through my leg and hit another guy in the foot."

"There was nowhere to go. I grabbed the wounded guys, but we were trapped by the enemy," Rhyner said. "I was calling in airstrikes and firing, while moving the wounded down (the cliff)."

Sergeant Gutierrez said he could see insurgent fire coming from the buildings on the hilltops above them and was trying to get across the river to meet up with Rhyner.

"Zach and I were in constant radio contact," he said. "I could hear the ammunition, sniper fire and rocket-propelled grenades with multiple blasts. We tried to push to the north to collocate with Zach's team, but every time we pushed up river, it put us in an open line of fire."

"My team ran across the freezing river. The water came off the mountains, and we were 100 to 200 feet beneath the enemy, like fish in a barrel," Sergeant Gutierrez said.

As the enemy surrounded them, Rhyner, who was being treated for his injuries, directed multiple rockets and gun runs from AH-64 Apache helicopters against enemy positions. Rhyner had been calling in airstrikes for three hours while he was injured; however, he still felt responsible for the others who had been hurt.

With disregard for his own life, he tried to get the injured to safety, still in the open line of fire. “I left injured personnel in a house and I had to get over there," Rhyner said. "I was frustrated being wounded. I tried to get the bombs there fast and talk to the pilots who didn't see what I saw on the ground."

Rhyner called in a total of 4,570 rounds of cannon fire, nine Hellfire missiles, 162 rockets, 12 500-pound bombs and one 2,000-pound bomb, constantly engaging the enemy with his M-4 rifle to deter their advance.

Toward the end of the fighting, 40 insurgents were killed and 100 wounded.

Sergeant Rhyner was directly credited with the entire team's survival due to his skill and poise under intense fire.

"If it wasn't for Zach, I wouldn't be here," Sergeant Gutierrez said.

Excerpts taken from article by Capt. Laura Ropelis, Air Force Special Operations Command Public Affairs, Dec. 25, 2008
Bug recommends . . . Kit Lange []
The latest from Michael Yon, the foremost “milnews” blogger on the web.

Having left Borneo, am turning myself back to the war. Meanwhile, interesting news about the "General Lee" has come in. Many folks might recall the "General Lee." The General Lee is a Stryker fighting vehicle that was blown up, along with crew, several times in Iraq. The crew survived and kept returning to battle, but finally the General Lee took a very hard shot. Captain Brad Krauss was the Commander of the General Lee when it kept getting blown up. I asked Captain Krauss if he could write a few words about his crew and the General Lee. Please see the good Captain's response. []

Strykers will soon be fighting in Afghanistan. The Taliban will not know what hit them.

Very Respectfully,
Your correspondent,
Michael Yon

We’ve Watched [Ratings are my own]:
Fireproof (2008) [9.0] Kirk Cameron ... Erin Bethea ... Ken Bevel ... Stephen Dervan
The Paradine Case (1947) [6.5] Staring Gregory Peck ... Ann Todd ... Charles Laughton ... Charles Coburn
Slumdog Millionaire (2008) [7.0] Staring Dev Patel ... Anil Kapoor ... Saurabh Shukla ... Rajendranath Zutshi
Kenny (2006) [2.25] Staring Shane Jacobson ... Travis Golland
Village of the Giants (1965) [5.0] Staring Tommy Kirk ... Johnny Crawford ... Beau Bridges ... Ron Howard
In Which We Serve (1942) [7.5] Staring Noel Coward ... Derek Elphinstone ... Michael Wilding
The Secret Life of Bees (2008) [7.0] Staring Dakota Fanning ... Queen Latifah ... Jennifer Hudson ... Alicia Keys
We’ve recently read; Cannibal Queen by Stephen Coonts
Corsair : a novel of the Oregon files / Clive Cussler, with Jack Du Brul.
Stephen Coonts' Deep black--Jihad / by Stephen Coonts and Jim DeFelice.
The Mercedes coffin / Faye Kellerman.
Prayers for the dead : a Peter Decker/Rina Lazarus novel / Faye Kellerman.
The quickie : a novel / by James Patterson and Michael Ledwidge.
Photos on the front of this week’s “Bleat” include John Burge, Ricky Shepherd and Steve Savoy moving a stretcher to a C-130 at Adams Field in Little Rock to begin unloading patients as part of a nationwide emergency drill. John and Ricky with a patient being moved from “Triage” to an ambulance. Activity on the ramp of the C-130 and the aircraft arriving at our location. “Bug” on board the plane. Sarah and Ricky Shepherd loading patient data into the new federal patient database. And Steve and John moving the last patient off of the plane.
We’ve now got several addresses on the web for "Da Bleat." For the latest issue, go to Last quarter’s issues can be seen at
Our photos are posted at
If you want to see photos of Last April’s train wreck in Magnolia, go to
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
Dr. Pat Antoon’s Address:
Pat Antoon 06669-010
Federal Prison Camp
P.O. Box 9300
Texarkana, TX 75505
Be sure and keep him in your prayers.
Recipe(s) of the week - - Barley Primavera - - Source dLife - - Prep Time 20 minutes – Cook Time 60 minutes - - Difficulty Easy - - Yields 1/2 cups - - Barley and vegetables cooked in a lemon-oil broth.

4 cup fat free reduced sodium chicken broth
2 medium garlic cloves, minced
1/2 cup fresh chopped red onion, minced
1/2 cup sliced carrots, diced
1 cup Barley, pearl
1/2 cup chopped zucchini, diced
2 tbsp chopped parsley
1 tsp olive oil
1 tbsp fresh lemon juice
1 pinch salt and pepper (to taste)

Amount Per Serving (1/2 cup)
Calories 147.5
Total Carbs 29.3g
Dietary Fiber 6g
Sugars 1.3g
Total Fat 1.7g
Saturated Fat 0.1g
Unsaturated Fat 1.5g
Potassium 43.2mg
Protein 4.4g
Sodium 315.9mg
1 1/2 Starch, 1/2 Vegetable

1 Heat 1/4 cup of the broth in a saucepan over medium high heat.
2 Add the garlic and onion, sautéing for 5 minutes. Add the carrots and sauté for an additional 5 minutes.
3 Add the remaining broth and bring to a boil. Add the barley, lower the heat, cover, and simmer until the liquid is almost absorbed, about 50 minutes.
4 Add the zucchini, parsley, oil, and lemon juice. Simmer for 5 more minutes; season with salt and pepper.

Additional Information
For an added zing, add extra lemon.
Taming Tween Divas
By Mark Earley
Learning Temperance

Note: This commentary was delivered by PFM President Mark Earley.

Georgie loves looking through fashion magazines and can’t pass a mirror without checking to see if she’s put on weight. She’s got 20 kinds of lip gloss and a closet chock full of expensive clothes, shoes, and handbags. In fact, she’s already saving up for enhancement surgery, reports Diana Appleyard of the Daily Mail.

But here’s the catch: Georgie is just 10 years old.

Newsweek calls girls like Georgie “Generation Diva.” They are tween girls who are becoming obsessed with hair, make-up, clothing, and body image at earlier and earlier ages. “Forget having mom trim your bangs, fourth graders are in the market for lush $50 haircuts,” writes Newsweek columnist Jessica Bennett.

Once they hit high school, $150 highlights will be the norm. Meanwhile, Bennett writes, “five year olds have spa days and pedicure parties.” And teens “get laser hair removal, the most common cosmetic procedure of that age group.”

According to market research, if the trends continue, by the time today’s 10-year-old turns 50, she’ll have spent almost $450,000 on hair, makeup, elective surgeries, manicures, and pedicures.

Even the recession doesn’t seem to be dampening Generation Diva’s spending very much. A recent survey commissioned by Seventeen Magazine found teen spending habits virtually unchanged by the downturn. Almost 75 percent reported that they would spend the same or more this year on cosmetics, clothing, hair products, or skin care.

While makeover shows, reality TV, and Madison Avenue exacerbate the trend, tween excess may find its roots in parental over-indulgence. Susan Thomas of MSNBC, writing of a similar phenomenon, notes that today’s Gen X parents were themselves raised on the self-esteem movement.

For all the “you’re special” indoctrination, half came from broken homes, and 40 percent were latchkey kids—leading experts to call them “the least nurtured children in American history.” Now, as Gen X parents nurse their own childhood wounds, they want to see that their kids don’t lack anything. Enter stage left the Tween Diva.

Whatever its roots, the trend points to the fact that we moderns have forgotten one of the cardinal virtues: temperance. The word “temperance” sounds quaint and antique today. C.S. Lewis lamented in Mere Christianity that the term has come to be associated merely with teetotaling. But temperance really means moderation or self-restraint. And it’s a virtue that relates to every area of our lives.

Lewis explained, “A man who makes his golf or his motor-bicycle the centre of his life, or a woman who devotes all her thoughts to clothes or bridge or her dog, is being just as ‘intemperate’ as someone who gets drunk every evening.”

The main difference, wrote Lewis, is that “bridge-mania or golf-mania do not make you fall down in the middle of the road.” In other words, they may not be so outwardly obvious. Still, such intemperance isn’t hidden from God’s sight.

As our young girls grow into young ladies, it’s not that we should aim to teach them that caring for the outer appearance is wrong. We should, however, be modeling by our own temperate lifestyles that any good thing can become an idol if carried to excess.

Whether it’s handbags, golf games, or lip gloss, that’s one lesson we never outgrow.

For Further Reading and Information

“Are We Turning our Tweens into Generation Diva?,” Newsweek, 30 March 2009.

“What a Lifetime of Beauty Will Cost the Average Diva,” Newsweek, 30 March 2009.

“Today's Tykes: Secure Kids or Rudest in History?,” MSNBC, 6 May 2009.

“Rise of the Child Women: The New Breed of Girls as Young as Ten Who Dream of Manicures, Diets and Breast Implants,” Daily Mail, 8 May 2009.

“Busy Little Buyers,” Newsweek, 22 July 2002.

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.

“Diversion from Reality: Teens and Entertainment,” BreakPoint Commentary, 27 May 2008.

“Fashion Rebels: Modeling for Modesty,” BreakPoint Commentary, 30 August 2007.

© 2009 Prison Fellowship - -
Residents of Columbia County Arkansas are represented in Congress by:
Senator Blanche Lambert Lincoln (D- AR)
Phone 202-224-4843
FAX 202-228-1371
Senator Mark Pryor (D- AR)
Phone 202-224-2353
FAX 202-228-0908
Representative Michael A. Ross (D - 04)
Phone 202-225-3772
FAX 202-225-1314§iontree=7677
Other states congresspersons can be found at: []
Words of the Week:
quiddity: the essence or nature of a thing.
crepuscular: pertaining to twilight.
stormy petrel: a type of seabird; also, one fond of bringing strife.
peccadillo: a slight offense; a petty fault.
invidious: tending to provoke envy or ill will.
paladin: a champion of a cause.
gainsay: to contradict; to deny.
imbroglio: a complicated and embarrassing state of things.
somnolent: drowsy; also, tending to cause sleepiness.
ken: perception, view; especially, reach of sight or knowledge.
eleemosynary: relating to charity; charitable.
bumptious: crudely, presumptuously, or noisily self-assertive.
mellifluous: flowing sweetly or smoothly.
risible: exciting or provoking laughter.
senescent: growing old.
albatross: large web-footed bird chiefly of the Southern Hemisphere; a worrisome burden.
tyro: a novice.
quaff: to drink heartily.
lugubrious: mournful; gloomy; dismal.
coruscate: to emit vivid flashes of light; sparkle; scintillate; gleam.
aliment: nutriment or sustenance.
nostrum: a questionable remedy.
munificent: very generous.
bombinate: to buzz, hum, or drone.
odium: intense hatred or dislike.
abnegate: refuse or deny oneself; also, to give up (rights, claims, etc.).
unctuous: marked by a false or smug earnestness or agreeableness.
querulous: habitually complaining; also, expressing complaint.
"...The propitious smiles of Heaven can never be expected on a nation that disregards the eternal rules of order and right which Heaven itself has ordained..." George Washington - - Thanks to Janet Holiman Dickinson

"Just as those who practice the same profession recognize each other instinctively, so do those who practice the same vice." - Marcel Proust

"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." - Bernard Berenson

"From fanaticism to barbarism is only one step." - Denis Diderot

"We are not satisfied to be right, unless we can prove others to be quite wrong." - William Hazlitt

"Those who are believed to be most abject and humble are usually most ambitious and envious." - Benedict Spinoza

"Many a man fails to become a thinker for the sole reason that his memory is too good." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"Everything that emancipates the spirit without giving us control over ourselves is harmful." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"Tact in audacity consists in knowing how far we may go too far." - Jean Cocteau

"If a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it." - Edgar Howe

"You can tell the character of every man when you see how he receives praise." - Seneca

"The one absolutely certain way of bringing this nation to ruin, of preventing all possibility of its continuing to be a nation at all, would be to permit it to become a tangle of squabbling nationalities." - Theodore Roosevelt

"Let your capital be simplicity and contentment." - Henry David Thoreau

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." - Helen Keller

"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." - Marie Curie

"Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper." - Adelle Davis

"As you live, believe in life. Always human beings will live and profess to greater, broader and fuller life. The only possible death is to lose belief in this truth simply because the great end comes slowly, because time is long." - W.E.B. Du Bois

"Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric." - Bertrand Russell

"Charity and personal force are the only investments that are worth anything." - Walt Whitman

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us." - Herman Hesse

"Valor is stability, not of legs and arms, but of courage and the soul." - Michel de Montaigne

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." - Albert Einstein

"Who are a little wise the best fools be." - John Donne

"Nothing has an uglier look to us than reason, when it is not on our side." - George Savile

"The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness." - Honore de Balzac

"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought." - Alert von Szent-Gyorgy

"No one knows what he is doing so long as he is acting rightly; but of what is wrong one is always conscious." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"Mediocre minds usually dismiss anything which reaches beyond their own understanding." - Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld

"A man who is 'of sound mind' is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key." - Paul Valery

"If someone tells you he is going to make 'a realistic decision,' you immediately understand that he has resolved to do something bad." - Mary McCarthy

Hand of Hope" Boy Thanks God for Using Him to Save the Unborn
Teresa Neumann (May 13, 2009)
"This photo happened and God used it to show people that this baby in mom's tummy is alive. He's pleased that his photo conveyed that message."
(Villa Rica, Georgia)—9-year-old Samuel Armas was the boy who was "born famous" after photographer Michael Clancy shot the "Fetal Hand Grasp" in 1999; a photo showing 21-week old Armas in his mother's womb grasping a doctor's finger during surgery to correct spina bifida. That photograph, dubbed "The Hand of Hope" traveled the world, changing and saving countless lives. (Photo by: Michael Clancy)

Said Clancy, who was "pro-choice" before the photo, but now is actively pro-life, "It's just a miracle picture, a miracle moment. It shows the earliest human interaction ever recorded."

In a Fox News report, Armas said, "When I see that picture, the first thing I think of is how special and lucky I am to have God use me that way. It's very important to me. A lot of babies would've lost their lives if that didn't happen." (Photo by the Armas Family)
The report quotes Julie Armas, Samuel's mother, as saying her son has a "very strong sense of right and wrong" and understands the impact of his unconventional first baby photo.
Source: Joshua Rhett Miller - Fox News

310 2nd Ave SE
Albany, Oregon 97321
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GCF: Old Geezers

Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Gene) -Tom

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! Just send an email to:

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Noah's Ark - A Modern Tale

Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Michael) -Tom

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said the Lord.

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah for emphasis.

"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.

"Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood.

"Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"And the IRS (The tax authority) has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

"I really don't think I can finish Your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."

"What's that?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

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GCF: If Men got pregnant...

Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Rhonda) -Tom

... maternity leave would last two years ... with full pay

... there would be a cure for stretch marks

... natural childbirth would become obsolete

... morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem

... all methods of birth control would be 100% effective

... children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained

... men would be eager to talk about commitment

... sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

... briefcases would be used as diaper bags

... paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes

... they'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy

... restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees

... women would rule the world
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GCF: Missouri Farm Kid (Now at Camp Pendleton Basic Training Facility)

Emailed to me from another humor list (Joanna's Jokes) -Tom To subscribe to Joanna's Jokes, send a blank email to:

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are the same. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls -eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Leave of Absence

Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Glenn) -Tom

A newspaper writer, after working for 7 long years, was finally granted two months of leave, during which time he would be fully paid.

However, he turned down his boss' kind offer.

The boss asked him why.

The newspaper writer said there are 2 reasons.

"The first," he said "is that I thought by taking such a long leave it might affect the newspaper's circulation."

The boss asked him what is the other reason.

"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that it might *NOT* affect the newspaper's circulation."
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GCF: Law Clerk

Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, David) -Tom David relates that this is a true story, first-hand.

As a law student, I landed a summer job as a law clerk in a prestigious law firm in Charlotte, North Carolina. My duties included investigating personal injury claims arising from automobile accidents.

One day an elderly woman called in from Indian Hill, NC, a small rural town south east of Charlotte. On her way to work, an 18-wheeler plowed into the back of her car. The impact crumpled the back end of her car up past her door, pinning her inside.

Going through my litany of questions, trying to sound as lawyerly and professional as I could, I asked, "Ma'm, did you give the police a statement?"

"Yes" she answered.

"What statement did you give them mam?" I asked.

"I tolls 'em, 'git me outta' here!!'"
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GCF: Married - Divorced

Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

Q: "Are you married?"

A: "No, I'm divorced."

Q: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him ?"

A: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
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GCF: My Grandpa, the Blacksmith!

Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Franco) -Tom

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
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GCF: Diagnosis

Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Andrew) -Tom

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
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GCF: Smoke Detector

Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

One Sunday morning, when my son was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."
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GCF: Seaside Hotel

Emailed to me a friend (Thanks, Lou) -Tom

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location.

"It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: War and Peace

Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

The teacher had just finished a dissertation on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"

Not surprisingly, all hands went up.

The teacher asked, "Who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"

Tony raised his hand.

"Tony?" the teacher said.

"I hate war," Tony said, "because wars make history, and then some poor, innocent kid has to memorize it all."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Why Are We Here?

Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

On a beautiful summer's day, a father and his eight-year-old son were lying on the grass by the riverbank, looking up at the sky and watching the wisps of cloud float gently overhead.

After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to the father and asked, "Dad, why are we here?"

"That's a good question, Son. I think we're here to enjoy days such as this, to experience nature in all its glory, the vastness of the sky, the beauty of the trees, the song of the birds, the rippling flow of the water. We're here to help make the world a better place, to pass on our wisdom to future generations who will hopefully profit from our achievements and learn from our mistakes. We're here to savor the small triumphs of life - passing your school exams, the birth of a new member of the family, promotion at work, a win for the home team! And we're here to comfort those dearest to us in times of distress, to provide kindness and compassion, support and strength, to let them know that, no matter how bad a situation may seem, they are not alone. Does that answer your question, Son?"

"Not really, Dad."


"No, what I meant was, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up forty minutes ago?"
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Alaskan Housewives

Emailed to me another humor list (Good Clean Funnies List) -Tom To subscribe The Good Clean Funnies List, (not to be confused with this list, which is Good Clean Fun) send an email to: with subject = add

A group of Alaskan housewives had gotten together for morning coffee and, since several were pregnant, the talk drifted to babies and doctors.

One of the women announced that she was now going to a woman doctor.

"At least," she said, "I'll be able to depend on my doctor being around during moose season!"
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Diaper Change

Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change.

As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Chat Room

Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

I'd always been apprehensive about joining a chat room for fear I'd do something wrong. One day after my son, Sean, had gotten off the computer, I logged on to the Internet to play a game. Suddenly a screen popped up saying, "Your friend is online." Apparently Sean had forgotten to sign off, and I took the opportunity to chat with someone I probably knew.

Sean's friend assumed he was still chatting with Sean, and I was having fun with the situation. After a few minutes, however, Sean's friend typed: "Who is this?"

"Why do you ask that?" I responded.

The reply came across the screen: "Because Sean doesn't spell that good."
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Emailed to me by a friend who got it from someone else who got it from someone else, etc. -Tom

One person who received this list, indicated that they started putting mental check marks alongside the ones that applied to them ... until it started getting scarry ...


You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow *your* tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel. (My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.")
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: The Carpenter's Testimony

Emailed to me another humor list (Tickled by Tony - Clean) -Tom Subscribe to the Tickled by Tony list by sending an email to:

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.
The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me, so I measured it!"
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Water in the Glass

Emailed to me from another humor list (Funny Jokes) -Tom Subscribe to Funny Jokes, at the website:

A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?"

The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts; one a colorless, odorless liquid, the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn't have enough ice in it.
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(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I would give my right arm \ /
\ _/ to be ambidextrous! \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / My memory's not as sharp \ \_/ ////
\ / as it used to be. \ /
\ _/ Also, my memory's not as sharp \_ /
/ / as it used to be. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Wisdom has two parts: \ /
\ _/ 1) Having a lot to say. \_ /
/ / 2) Not saying it. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / VENI, VEDI, VISA: \ /
\ _/ I came, I saw, \_ /
/ / I did a little shopping. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Hard work has a future payoff. \ /
\ _/ Laziness pays off now. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Strength is the capacity \ \_/ ////
\ / to break a chocolate bar into \ /
\ _/ four pieces with your bare hands \_ /
/ / and then eat just one piece. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Thesaurus: ancient reptile \ /
\ _/ with excellent vocabulary. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ /I spilled spot remover on my dog.\ /
\ _/ Now he's gone. \_ /
/ / - Steven Wright \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / How much deeper would \ /
\ _/ the ocean be \_ /
/ / if sponges didn't live there? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Whenever I think of the past, \ /
\ _/ it brings back so many \_ /
/ / memories . . . \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Ballerinas are always \ \_/ ////
\ / on their toes. \ /
\ _/ Why don't they just get \_ /
/ / taller ballerinas? \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Everyone has a \ /
\ _/ photographic memory. \_ /
/ / Some people just don't have film. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Sometimes when you cast your \ /
\ _/ bread upon the waters \_ /
/ / all you get back is wet bread. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Back up my hard drive? \ /
\ _/ How do I put it in reverse? \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I'm not into working out. \ /
\ _/ My philosophy is \_ /
/ / "No pain, no pain." \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / No matter where you go; \ /
\ _/ you're there. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Don't take life too seriously...\ /
\ _/ it's not permanent. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I tried to drown my problems, \ /
\ _/ but they can swim! \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )___________________( \_|\\\\ \_/ / Character Density: \ \_/ ////
\ / The number of very weird people \ /
\ _/ in the office, \_ /
/ / divided by the floor space. \ \
_ ____________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( \
/ / | | \ \
_( (_ | | _) )_
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A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning fire.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him..

So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Oh those . " Satan groaned.

"They're all from Arkansas . They're still too wet to burn."

Thanks to George Ingram
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Being a Grandparent...

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye!!

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

8. When my grandson Melvin and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'Mine says I'm four to six.'

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? ''It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'

11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'

12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'He's just for good luck .' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants!'


(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.



It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Thanks to David Lamb
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Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed.

It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service.

As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"

"Cousin," she replied.
The sewing machine - - The following is an ad from a newspaper that appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY - - For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY - - Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY - - Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY - - Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

Thanks to Waneta
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Fifty Years of Math In the USA (1957 - 2009)

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950's:

1. Teaching Math In 1950's - - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960's - - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970's - - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980's - - A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5.. Teaching Math In 1990's - - A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009 - - Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho.

Thanks to Waneta
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Who is your real friend?

Put your dog and your wife, In the trunk of the car for an hour...
When you open the trunk, Who is happy to see you?

Thanks to Mike Rowe
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You have to love children. Enjoy
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Thanks to Waneta
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Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest Psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile...

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

Thanks to Alita Ingram
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Do U Think English Is Easy?

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce .
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. Peop le stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dress ed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can addUP to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP..

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so............ it is time to shut UP ...!

Thanks to Alita Ingram
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An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumblebee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain 't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Thanks to Waneta
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Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Thanks to Waneta
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... And then the fight started

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... So, I took her to a gas station..... And then the fight started....
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants You might have gotten Disability, too". And then the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started ...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started....
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And then the fight started....
I took my wife to a restaurant The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started....
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the fight started....

Thanks to Polly
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The Ten Commandments are not a multiple choice !!!!!!

Human Intelligence! In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- 'Directions: Use like regular soap.' (and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.' (but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- 'Do not turn upside down.' (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- 'Product will be hot after heating.' (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- 'Do not iron clothes on body.' (but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.' (...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- 'For indoor or outdoor use only.' (as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- 'Not to be used for the other use.' (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- 'Warning: contains nuts.' (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.' (Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.' (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.' (Oh my..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Blessed are the cracked: For it is they who let in the light.
Life Goes on only for awhile ~VJ Ringold~

Thanks to Waneta
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Rear Window Love

My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet, and taped it to my rear window.

When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so."

Received from Jaron Summers.


Irish Reunion

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I! Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shakes his head, and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Received from Michael B. Wright, Tampa, FL.


Blonds Know Where To Go

A blond was trimming her lawn with a weed whacker and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat who was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat along with the tail over to Walmart.

Why Walmart?

Walmart is the largest retailer in the world!

Received from Larry.


The Kohl's Shopping Trip

Clutching their Kohl's Department Store shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit -- no flies, no smell. "What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen. "Come on, Ellen, let's just go...."

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue paper." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell. They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K & W Cafeteria. After they went through the serving line and they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long!

As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911 while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors -- the Kohl's bag perched on her stomach!

God does take care of those who do bad things! (AND once in a while He allows us to witness it!)

Received from Pam Block.


Windshield Wiper Quit

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm. Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear.

Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.

Received from Tom Bischel.


Mom's Where?

One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

Brian nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

Received from Kenneth W. Holmes, Reader's Digest.


You Know You Are in a Large Family When...

Someone asks where are the boys and you answer, which ones?

You say eight different names before you get the right one.

When you have six people in one bedroom.

Everywhere you go people ask, "Are these all yours?"

You take up two pews in church.

You have to double any recipe.

You remember when something happened by what baby was born that year.

You have three bathrooms and they are always full.

Everything you buy at the store is in bulk.

You go through a McDonald's drive-thru and order burgers, and they ask you to repeat your order four times.

You do eight large loads of laundry every day and you are still not done.

You use up two boxes of cereal for breakfast.

Received from Ethan.


Out of Business

My mother began getting calls from people who misdialed the similar number of a new computer repair business. Mom, who had had her number for years, asked the owner of the company to have the number changed. He refused. The calls kept coming day and night.

Finally, Mom began telling the people who called that the company had gone out of business. Within a week, the computer repair company voluntarily changed its number.

Received from Marian Burgess.


Hellmann's Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.

And now you know where the name originated!

Received from Tina Gardner.


The Sergeant-major's Circle

During a training session at an artillery unit the sergeant-major was busy describing how the sophisticated aiming device of the artillery weapon system is used:

"As you all know, there are 180 degrees in a circle."

One of the soldiers put up his hand and said: "But there are 360 degrees in a circle, sergeant-major."

"You idiot," replied the sergeant-major, "I am obviously speaking about a small circle!"

Received from Retief de Villiers.


Crash Landing

As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field, and hit another tree. Then I lost control."

Received from John D. Millard.


A Crazy Test

Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."

"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."

"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."

Received from Josh Roberts.


Broke Monks

Some monks were running low on funds, but didn't want to close up their monastery. After much consideration, they decided to start selling the flowers they grew. Soon after opening up shop, business boomed, much to their delight. They had plenty of cash now for burlap and oatmeal and everything else good monks need.

Unfortunately, the town already HAD a flower shop. The disgruntled owner of the rival store tried everything -- having discount sales, spreading slander about the monks, and even poisoning the monks' flower beds. Unfortunately, they'd been blessed and nothing could stop their little business.

Finally, the rival shop owner sought out a much-rumored-of man: Hugh. No one knew his last name, just that he got the job done, no questions asked. After the appropriate amount of money had changed hands, Hugh went over to the friars' place, thoroughly beat them silly, and then destroyed their flower beds. The next day, the monks promptly boarded up the windows and closed shop permanently, thus proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Received from Dalton Green.


Babies at the Mall

A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six-month-old baby and her sister's three-month-old baby.

Two elderly women approached the mother. "Are they twins?" one asked.

"No, they're three months apart."

"My! You sure had them close together."

Received from Morgan.


Alaskan Housewives

A group of us Alaskan housewives had gotten together for morning coffee and, since several of us were pregnant, the talk drifted to babies and doctors.

One of the women announced that she was now going to a woman doctor. "At least," she said, "I'll be able to depend on my doctor being around during moose season!"

Received from Nancy P. Donner.


Blond Handywoman

A blond, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing the neighborhoods. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blond quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blond handywoman came to the door to collect her money.

"You finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blond replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus."

Received from Larry.



I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the server brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



During spring break some years back, my family and I took a trip to Grand Junction, Colorado, to visit some pastoral friends there.

One day after we ate lunch at a fast food restaurant, just outside the local mall in this small town, we all decided that we wanted to go out and see the nearby mountain towns and do the things tourists typically do.

"I sure could use a map right now so I can figure out the best way to go so we can see all that we want to see around here," commented my dad.

Without a moment's hesitation and not skipping a beat, my older sister chimed, "Well, duh, Dad! They have a map over in the mall!"

Received from Courtney Dion.


Next Survivor Series

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and three kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and take either music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his three kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment, and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside, and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will have access to television only when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, and keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps and back aches and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings and church and find time at least once each week to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth, and comb their hair by 7:00 a.m.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothing size, and doctor's name. He also must know the child's weight and length at birth, time of birth, and length of labor; and each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, and biggest fear. He also will know what they all want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if he still has enough energy to spend quality time with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years, eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

Received from Paula Sanning.


Working for the Family

My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later.

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"

"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.


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Brought to you by The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - - There’s a new White House dog. Stop the presses!
Yes, at last there’s an end to the guesses:
What dog will Obama
Acquire? Next drama:
Just who will clean puppy Bo’s messes? - - An Ode To The American Idol Finalists - - May 14th, 2009
Since American Idol is one of the few TV shows I watch regularly, I’d be remiss if I didn’t comment on the finalists and write a limerick for finalists Kris Allen and Adam Lambert:

An Ode To The American Idol Finalists
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Many kudos to Adam and Kris!
Having Allison there would be bliss.
But it could have been worse.
I am Gokey-averse,
And he’s one guy I surely won’t miss.

© Madeleine Begun Kane. All Rights Reserved.
1st Published Bridge News
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Clay Balls - - A man was exploring caves by the Seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake. They didn't look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him. As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could.

He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock . Inside was a beautiful, precious stone!

Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure. He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left.

Then it struck him. He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of thousands of dollars in treasure, he could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away!

It's like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see the external clay vessel. It doesn't look like much from the outside. It isn't always beautiful or sparkling, so we discount it.

We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful or stylish or well known or wealthy. But we have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside that person.

There is a treasure in each and every one of us. If we take the time to get to know that person, and if we ask God to show us that person the way He sees them, then the clay begins to peel away and the brilliant gem begins to shine forth.

May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships because the gems were hidden in bits of clay. May we see the people in our world as God sees them.

Thanks to Norma Kay Rowe
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Navy Petty Officer Mike Monsoor PO2 (EOD2) (Explosive Ordnance Disposal)
Mike Monsoor, a Navy EOD Technician, was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor posthumously for jumping on a grenade in Iraq, giving his life to save his fellow Seals. (Notice: Mike was not a Navy SEAL, he was EOD. He gave his life to save a group of Navy SEALS.)

During Mike Monsoor's funeral in San Diego, as his coffin was being moved from the hearse to the grave site at Ft. Rosecrans National Cemetery, SEAL's were lined up on both sides of the pallbearers route forming a column of two's, with the coffin moving up the center. As Mike's coffin passed, each SEAL, having removed his gold Trident from his uniform, slapped it down embedding the Trident in the wooden coffin.

The slaps were audible from across the cemetery; by the time the coffin arrived grave side,
it looked as though it had a gold inlay from all the Tridents pinned to it.

This was a fitting send-off for a warrior hero. This should be front-page news instead of the junk we see every day.

Thanks to Gary Foreman
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TOURBUS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -:) - :)- :)
Vol 14, Number 16
05 May 2009

Internet Explorer 8 / Portable GPS / OpenDNS / Free Apps / Online Evil In today's TOURBUS, you'll get the scoop on Internet Explorer 8. Should you upgrade, and how does it compare to Firefox? I've also got reviews of Five Portable GPS Units, and a guide to speeding up your Internet with OpenDNS.

You'll also find out about Internet Speedway -- deal or no deal? For fun, I've got a list of 10 Free Apps You Must Have On Your iPhone or iPod Touch, and my Lexicon of Online Evil is guaranteed to make you the life of any party. Read on!

What's New in Internet Explorer 8
Thinking about taking the plunge with the new Internet Explorer? IE8 has only been out a short time but has already received widespread publicity. The company claims it is "faster, easier and safer," so let's take a look at what's new in this browser release and see if it lives up to the hype.
Should you upgrade to Internet Explorer 8? Find out how it compares to Firefox, when it comes to features, speed and security...

Portable GPS Units Reviewed
A reader asked: "I want to buy a portable GPS that I can use in multiple cars, or when walking around the city. Which model do you recommend?" You car may already be equipped with a GPS unit, but what about those times when you're walking, biking or hiking, and you need a little navigation help? The new handheld portable GPS units on the market are the perfect solution.
Spanning a range of prices and features, here is my top 5 list of portable GPS systems...

Should You Use OpenDNS?
OpenDNS is a free service that can make your Internet access faster. But what exactly is OpenDNS and how does it work? First, let's define some terms. DNS stands for "Domain Name Service" and is the piece of the Internet that deals with routing and addressing. In a nutshell, DNS converts a human-readable domain name into a machine-friendly IP address. DNS service is typically provided by your internet service provider, but you don't have to use your ISP's DNS service.
Enter OpenDNS - a free, alternative domain name service that speeds up your Internet access by connecting you to high-performance DNS servers that are faster and more reliable than the DNS service provided by most ISPs. Here are the simple steps to using OpenDNS...

My Top Ten iPhone/iPod Free Apps
Two of the most popular mobile devices are the iPhone and the iPod Touch. Since these devices were launched, over 25,000 user-developed apps (programs) have been created and made available through the App Store. Apps can add cool new functionality to your iPhone or iPod, and run the gamut from Games, Entertainment and Music, to Utilities, Productivity, News and other categories. Even cooler, a lot of great apps for the iPhone and iPod Touch are free. Here are my picks for the top ten free iPhone and iTouch apps.
Some are insanely popular, others I picked because I'm a little quirky...

Is Internet Speedway a Scam?
Maybe you've heard those commercials for Internet Speedway saying 'Make thousands of dollars a week with your own Internet business.' It sounds too good to be true... so is Internet Speedway a scam? Internet Speedway advertises heavily on radio and TV as a home-based business opportunity, offering to provide you with everything you need to run your own Internet business. That sounds great, but does it really work, or is it just another work-from-home scam? I've done some research on the subject and found both plusses and minuses.
Here's the scoop on the Internet Speedway business opportunity...

The Lexicon of Online Evil
When we discuss the issues surrounding all the bad stuff that bad guys do online, and the good stuff that the good guys do to keep things running smoothly, we run into a bunch of jargon. And even if you're just an ordinary user, you should be familiar with all these terms and their definitions. I might be mixing too many metaphors, but you can think of my dictionary of hacker terms as "Plausible Denial of Terms of Service".
So bone up on your hacker slang. At the very least, you'll sound smarter at your next social gathering...

• Send a Free Fax []
Learn how to send and receive faxes for free, using online fax services.
• Make Windows Run Faster []
Here's my special recipe to clean that icky goo out of your computer's pipes, so Windows will start quicker, run more reliably, and go faster on the info-superhighway.
• Free Satellite TV? []
Can this software download really give you free satellite TV broadcasts on your PC?

• Free Internet Security Software []
Staying safe on the Internet doesn't have to cost big bucks. Here are my recommendations for the best FREE anti-virus, anti-spyware, and popup blocker software.

Flowers Fast! The Popular Online Florist
Use Promo Code TOURBUS to Save 10% on your order!
Free PC Performance Scan []
The more you use your computer, the slower it will get. Research shows, that after only months of use, your PC will be performing at just a fraction of its original performance.
Run the all new, FREE PC Pitstop Optimize 2.0 scan now and in just minutes, you'll discover numerous ways you can keep your PC running like new. Start the Free Scan Now!

That's all for now, see you next time! -- Bob Rankin
+ ------------------------------------- +
====[ Tourbus Rider Information ]====
The Internet Tourbus - U.S. Library of Congress ISSN #1094-2238
Copyright 1995-2009, Rankin & Crispen - All rights reserved
Be Smarter & Better Looking Than [-99.959028-] Percent of Users
Hop On the Bus and Join 80,000 Others Around the World!
Best of Everything - Subscribe, Signoff, Archives, Free Stuff and More at the Tourbus Home -
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The Pump Handle. A water cooler for the public health crowd.

Fuel tank explosion in Arkansas kills 3 workers
May 14, 2009 | by Celeste Monforton

Three Indiana men – Stoney Powell, 45 and Roy Mathis, 60 of Wheatfield, and William Decker, 48 of Scottsburg – were killed near Searcy, Arkansas on Wednesday, May 14 in an explosion at a fuel storage facility. The three men worked for the Kentucky-based firm C&C Welding. Losing a loved one is difficult in any circumstance, but it must be especially painful when your love is killed so far away from home. An Associated Press story [] reports that the storage facility is owned by TEPPCO Partners LP [] (NYSE: TPP) and the firm’s spokesman Rick Rainey noted:

“the explosion occurred just before 2:30 p.m…..[and] the tank had been previously cleaned and workers were preparing to install a new gauge on it. [I]t was not immediately clear whether the workers were inside or outside of the tank at the time of the explosion.”

Other brief news is provided at KATV coverage [] and[]

Offer a moment of silence for these men and their families.
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Weekly Toll - -
Death In The Workplace w/News & Updates
John Donne - ...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Body shop owner killed at work - - May 9, Beaver Dam, Wisconsin - A longtime body shop owner is found dead at his Beaver Dam shop after a car fell on him. Town of Beaver Dam Police said a race car rolled off four weight monitors at Falbe Crash 1 Collision Center and fell on 50-year-old Jeff Falbe. Two customers came to the shop arond 9 p.m. and found the Beaver Dam man trapped. Police said the death appears to be an accident.

Man, 67, dies after tractor rolls over him - - May 9, Spokane, Washington - A Deer Park man died Friday after the tractor he was working on ran over him before crashing through a door and continuing into a field. The 67-year-old victim was working on his fixed-throttle farm tractor at his home in the 29200 block of Spotted Road when it suddenly started and rolled over his chest, said Spokane County sheriff’s Sgt. Dave Reagan. The man had been unable to get the tractor running, Reagan said. The machine then crashed through a closed shop door and went into a field, where it made an abrupt turn and rammed through a corral before crashing into a tree, Reagan said.

Omaha teen dies when forklift falls on him - - May 9, Omaha, Nebraska - Federal labor officials will investigate the death of a 17-year-old employee killed in a forklift accident at his south Omaha workplace. Miguel Herrera-Soltero was driving a forklift out of a meat rendering plant at 5102 S. 26th St. about 10:25 p.m. Friday. The forklift was on a ramp and tipped over. He fell out and the forklift landed on top of him. His employer, Progressive Protein, issued a statement Saturday expressing condolences to the family. The firm declined to comment further pending the outcome of an investigation by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration.
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NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed weekly. These records can be found at

Since April 17, the following soldiers were killed;

01. PFC Richard A. Dewater, 21, of Topeka, Kan., died April 15, of wounds sustained from an improvised explosive device, while on a dismounted patrol near Korengal Valley, Afghanistan. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 26th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Hood, Texas.

02. Lance Cpl. Ray A. Spencer II, 20, of Ridgecrest, Calif., died April 16 as a result of a non-hostile incident in Anbar province, Iraq. He was assigned to 3rd Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment, 3rd Marine Division, Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii.

03. Cpl. William C. Comstock, 21, of Van Buren, Ark., died April 22 as a result of a non-hostile incident in Anbar province, Iraq. He was assigned to 2nd Supply Battalion, Combat Logistics Regiment 25, 2nd Marine Logistics Group, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

04. Cpl. Brad A. Davis, 21, of Garfield Heights, Ohio, died April 22 near Baghdad, Iraq, of wounds sustained when an improvised explosive device detonated near his vehicle. He was assigned to the 82nd Brigade Support Battalion, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C.

05. CSM Benjamin Moore, Jr., 43, of Waycross, Ga., died Apr 24 at Contingency Operating Base Speicher, Iraq, of injuries sustained in a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 2d Battalion, 27th Infantry Regiment, 3d Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division, Schofield Barracks, Hawaii.

06. Staff Sgt. Leroy O. Webster, 28, of Sioux Falls, S.D., died April 25 near Kirkuk, Iraq, after being shot while on a dismounted patrol. He was assigned to the 3rd Battalion, 82nd Field Artillery Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Cavalry Division, Fort Hood, Texas.

07. Petty Officer 2nd Class Tyler J. Trahan, 22, of East Freetown, Mass., died on April 30 while conducting combat operations in Fallujah, Iraq. Trahan was assigned to Explosive Ordnance Disposal Unit Twelve in Norfolk, Va., and was deployed with an East Coast based Navy SEAL team.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two Marines who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. The following Marines died April 30 while supporting combat operations in Al Anbar province, Iraq:
08. Sgt. James R. McIlvaine, 26, of Olney, Md.
09. Staff Sgt. Mark A. Wojciechowski, 25, of Cincinnati, Ohio.
Sgt. McIlvaine was assigned to 1st Battalion, 7th Marine Regiment, 1st Marine Division, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Twentynine Palms, Calif.
Staff Sgt. Wojciechowski was assigned to 7th Engineer Support Battalion, 1st Marine Logistics Group, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Pendleton, Calif.

10. Sgt. Christopher D. Loza, 24, of Abilene, Texas, died Apr. 10, 2009, at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, Washington, D.C., of a non-combat related illness after becoming ill 17 March in Radwaniyah, Iraq. He was assigned to the 1st Squadron, 124th Cavalry Regiment, 56th Infantry Brigade Combat Team, 36th Infantry Division, Waco, Texas.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers, and one soldier as Duty Status Whereabouts Unknown (DUSTWUN). The action occurred May 1 near the village of Nishagam, in Konar Province, Afghanistan, where all three were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. Killed were:
11. Sgt. James D. Pirtle, 21, of Colorado Springs, Colo. He was assigned to the Special Troops Battalion, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Hood, Texas; and
12. Spec. Ryan C. King, 22, of Dallas, Ga. He was assigned to the Special Troops Battalion, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Hood, Texas.
These soldiers died of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked their unit using direct fire.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died from wounds sustained after they were shot by enemy forces in Mosul, Iraq on May 2. They were assigned to the 1st Battalion, 12th Cavalry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Cavalry Division, Fort Hood, Texas. Killed were:
13. Spc. Jeremiah P. McCleery, 24, of Portola, Calif.; and
14. Spc. Jake R. Velloza, 22, of Inverness, Calif.

The Department of Defense today announced the death of a soldier while supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. On May 5, the Armed Forces Medical Examiner positively identified human remains recovered in Afghanistan to be those of a soldier who had been previously listed as Duty Status Whereabouts Unknown (DUSTWUN).
15. Staff Sgt. William D. Vile, 27, of Philadelphia, Pa. died of wounds suffered when insurgents attacked his unit using direct fire May 1 near the village of Nishagam, in Konar Province, Afghanistan. He was assigned to the 1st Brigade, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Riley, Kan.

16. Spc. Shawn D. Sykes, 28, of Portsmouth, Va., died May 7 at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center in Landstuhl, Germany, of wounds suffered from an accident that occurred May 5 at Combat Outpost Crazy Horse, Iraq. He was assigned to 215th Brigade Support Battalion, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Cavalry Division, Fort Hood, Texas.

17. Staff Sgt. Randy S. Agno, 29, of Pearl City, Hawaii, died May 8 at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, of wounds sustained Apr. 27 from a non-combat related incident at Forward Operating Base Olsen in Samarra, Iraq. He was assigned to the 325th Brigade Support Battalion, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division, Schofield Barracks, Hawaii.

18. Pvt. Justin P. Hartford, 21, of Elmira, N.Y., died May 8 at Joint Base Balad, Iraq, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 699th Maintenance Company, Corps Support Battalion, 916th Support Brigade, Fort Irwin, Calif.

19. Commander Charles K. Springle, 52, of Wilmington, N.C., died May 11 from injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident at Camp Liberty, Iraq.

20. Spc. Omar M. Albrak, 21, of Chicago, Ill., died May 9, in Baghdad, of injuries sustained during a motor vehicle accident. He was an Individual Ready Reserve soldier assigned to the Headquarters, Multi-National Forces Iraq.

21. Sgt. Lukasz D. Saczek, 23, of Lake in the Hills, Ill., died May 10 in Nangarhar Province, Afghanistan, of injuries sustained from a non-combat related incident. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 178th Infantry Regiment, Illinois Army National Guard, Woodstock, Ill.

The Department of Defense announced the death of four soldiers who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died May 11 in Camp Liberty, Baghdad of wounds suffered in a non-combat related incident. The circumstances surrounding the incident are under investigation. Killed were:
22. Maj. Matthew P. Houseal, 54, of Amarillo, Texas. He was assigned to the 55th Medical Company, Indianapolis, Ind.;
23. Staff Sgt. Christian E. Bueno-Galdos, 25, of Paterson, N.J. He was assigned to the 3rd Battalion, 66th Armor Regiment, 172nd Infantry Brigade, Grafenwoehr, Germany;
24. Spc. Jacob D. Barton, 20, of Lenox, Mo. He was assigned to the 277th Engineer Company, 420th Engineer Brigade, Waco, Texas; and
25. Pfc. Michael E. Yates Jr., 19, of Federalsburg, Md. He was assigned to the 3rd Battalion, 66th Armor Regiment, 172nd Infantry Brigade, Grafenwoehr, Germany.

26. Maj. Steven Hutchison, 60, of Scottsdale, Ariz., died May 10, in Basrah of wounds suffered when an improvised explosive device detonated near his vehicle in Al Farr, Iraq. He was assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 34th Armor Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Riley, Kan.

27. Cpl. Ryan C. McGhee, 21, of Fredericksburg, Va., died May 13 from wounds suffered when his unit came in contact with enemy forces while conducting combat operations in Central Iraq.
He was assigned to the 3rd Battalion, 75th Ranger Regiment, Fort Benning, Ga.
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"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. - - George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" - - Queen E. Watson
“A political class of Republicans and Democrats that look after themselves, not the Nation. A media hostile to the very precepts of this nation. A generation of Americans who see morals as vices, and are ignorant of America's Actual History.”
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Scheduled Activities
Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there.
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234-5655
(Non - Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance - 234-7371 (24 Hour)
Jail - 234-5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control - 800-222-1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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Interested in getting in touch with the Banner-News through e-mail?
E-mail addresses for communicating with the newspaper’s various departments are: For news and sports items, Coming Events, Diary, Church News, school and civic events.
advertising@bannernews. net For retail and classified advertising.
circulation@bannernews. net To start, stop or cancel newspaper delivery or for comments about delivery.
outfitters For Office Outfitters, the office supply division of the Banner-News.
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"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." -- "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" -- "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." -- "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." - - "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." - - Paul Troquille
“Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est.” Knowledge is power. - Francis Bacon
"The problem is here and now. The time for talk is past. The time for action is now."
Comments on the first Earth Day - James F. McClellan via John "Fuzzy" Thurman
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" --"Bug"
God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT-I KC5HII

P. S. If you'd like to be added to the distribution, just drop us E-mail at
. We offer "Da Bleat" as text, a "Blog" and as a newsletter with pictures in Word and PDF format. The latest issue is usually updated sometime Saturday. For the "Blog" version just go to one of the several addresses on the web. For the latest issue, go to Older issues can be found at, where _ is the quarter (1, 2, 3, or 4) and __ is the year (05, 06, 07, 08 or 09). We also have a site [] where we post photos that I like.
Let us hear from you if we can switch you over to the "Word" or "PDF" version of "Da Bleat".
If you'd prefer to read "Da Blog" version, just drop us a note at and we'll switch you from e:mail delivery to "Da Bleat" Blog. We appreciate your encouragement. We also appreciate your communication when you desire to be taken off our mail list. If you are on this mail list by mistake or do not wish to receive "Da Bleat," please reply back and tell us to discontinue service to you. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2009 before it was sent.
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